The purpose of this message board is to provide encouragement to anyone whose life has been touched by sexual abuse. Through the sharing of our personal opinions, questions, fears and experiances we can support one another in efforts to heal from it's effects! For parents, and other caretakers who want online support regarding a child within a closed group environment, please click on the link below:
if ever i'm not available, bree is also a moderator!! thanks bree!! i guess we should get another here on a regular basis...anyone interested, email me....
Posted on Aug 4, 2009, 5:38 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Did you get my message asking you to delete the specific email I posted to jack on what my new address was? I don't want all of the stuff on here published for everyone and didn't know that what would happen. Why are you not responding? For anyone who would like to see my facebook page and see what is going on and why I have concern contact me. Why are you doing this?
sm
Posted on Aug 4, 2009, 1:07 PM from IP address 24.217.239.118
Maybe there is someone else who can help you fix this. I know it is upsetting to you but you should remember that Gina is dealing with her own things like a hubby with cancer! I hope someone can help you as it is obvious that you are upset. I know Gina as well as one can online and she would NEVER ignore you or "slight" you on purpose.
Ann
Posted on Aug 4, 2009, 4:35 PM from IP address 68.210.129.9
such a sweetie! yep, hubby is on his 5th treatment tommorrow and i've not been feeling tip top this last week...kinda getting worried...oh well, it's probably all the running i've been doing with my father in law in the hospital..sigh...it's 'raining' again!! love to all..gina
sm, you email was removed, but, i noticed that you include it with your screen name on several other posts...perhaps on a regular basis?..i don't know...anyway...if you're worried about the email...don't include it when you post either...all ppl have to do is click on your name to get it!
Posted on Aug 4, 2009, 5:36 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
but it shouldn't show up unless someone was seeking it out then maybe? Thank you Gina. I still can't get it off Gmail's search. if anyone knows it would be helpful. thank you G! I'm sorry for the bother.
Posted on Aug 5, 2009, 3:34 PM from IP address 24.217.239.118
no problem...glad to help! regarding your email...if you include it while posting, then your name has an underline beneath it...ANYONE can click on your name and get the email you've provided!!
Posted on Aug 5, 2009, 3:51 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Just wanted to say hi to all of you. It has been a while sice I have post it my thoughts and you guys are so good listeners that here they are.
My DD is 11 years old today, who knows what the day might bring. I had already decided to take the day off to be with her, but as it turns out I have to take the week off. I cut 2 of my toes on a metal latter on Sunday night, got 10 stitches between the 2 toes and now I am home trying to recover, of course the girls want me to be their chouffer anyways. So here I am the day of me daughter's birthday in bed with pain and pondering what has life and CSA has done to our lives. Who could have imagine 11 years ago at 4:00 a.m. when my much expected baby arrived, the one that came to this world in a rush (yes, in a rush) she did not make it to the delivery room, nor my doctor made it on time, she was caught by the on call doctor in the middle of the hall, after just 1 hour of me having arrived at the hospital. As soon as I saw her, I knew she was different than my other daughter (who took 20 hours to come). I have always known that this one was the one to watch out for, the one that was going to give me gray hair, and as my mom put it the one that was going to make me pay for all my teenage years. She has been the light of my life, she has never bitten her tongue, she tells you what it is, how it is and when it is, regardless of feelings, she is the most fun the watch and be with, I have always been looking forward to what antics she is going to use to get away from her mishavour. But I never expected CSA to be in the picture, never expected her to live what she has lived in her short life.
Her personality had been so charismatic that she is one of the most popular 6th grades in school, not only with the kids but with teachers and administration as well, everybody knows who she is (even the lower grades) and everybody wants to be with her.
Then CSA came, her personality has dampened a little and I do not think it will ever come back, she is still a popular girl, but I know that if anybody finds out she was the child involved things would be different. I am so saddened that her short life has gone thru so much. Today I will do everything in my power to make her feel the most special girl in the world, to show her my love and try to get her to be the same little girl that I held in my arms at 4:00 a.m. a day like today 11 years ago.
Sorry for the long post, my ramblings thoughts are all swimming in my head and had to put them down somewhere. Thank you for reading and supporting me even at the distance.
Bella
Posted on Aug 4, 2009, 7:53 AM from IP address 98.163.114.169
I'm sorry Bella.I can understand all you are feeling...I too look at my kids and wonder how life would have been different without CSA.Your D will be okay.She was empowered by her ability to speak out and find justice.That is a beautiful thing.It will take a little time but I know she will land on her feet.Sending many positive and healing thoughts your way...
Posted on Aug 5, 2009, 8:03 AM from IP address 98.25.230.69
Today the new caseworker came out, very pleasant, nothing like the old one. She had me sign a consent form release to get records. She had me put all D's, then myself. At the time she was talking about school, doctors, etc...
After she left, I realized I was on the form in that section too. When I put my name there I thought I was just giving consent, not that I was allowing them to get into MY medical records. Last week I went on Prozac, at the beginning of this mess it was Xanax. Really, there's nothing that I care about except it's the principle of the fact they don't need my info.
Why would she want to get into my medical records? It's too late now, but should I call the attorney tomorrow or is this normal?
Posted on Aug 3, 2009, 5:18 PM from IP address 74.130.44.221
This is totally normal and not to be worried about. In the absence of any "harder" psych drugs (those that treat for bipolar, dissociative disorders, schizophrenia, etc.), antidepressants/mild sedatives mean nothing.
I'm not sure if I have your email... if not, you are more than welcome to email me, and we can talk offline.
take care,
b
Posted on Aug 3, 2009, 10:32 PM from IP address 174.100.166.206
Hi all... Its been awhile since Ive posted. We have spent almost the entire summer visittion time working on getting the kids tested and helped.. wow a lot has happened and a lot has NOT happened. The kids are really good kids BUT they have acted out in sexual ways several times now. The older half sis(mom) is at her wits end. Shes ben fighting so hard just to get the afencies and Judge involvced to listen. First we were all on the juridictional merrygo round Mbile saying we had to get help here, ATL saying we had to get help in Mobile.. Social worker in Mobile Lying to us about what she had done, not answering calls etc. As it turns out the father of these kids is running around telling people "hes not worried about losing his kids because his MOM is close friends with the social worker" eek gads... Should she not remove herself from this case on that basis alone?????She says its not true but why would he say that??? So Last week Half sis goes to Court before the Judge that is hearing custody on the 17th to try to get a Temporary Exparte protection order for the kids. The Judge would NOT grant it but reset the case for a week later pending notification of the father... The week is up and she goes back this morning ( this is also the day that the kids "are supposed to" be returned to there father (abuser) He called all day yeterday and gave no indication that he was made aware that there was a pending case today. So obviously his attorney has NOT notified him nor has MOBILE even started an investigation. He is clueless... So she has gone to Mobile this morning and kept the kids here... just on case....Because his attorney has failed to notify him Im sure that he wont show. Im hoping and praying that the Judge will grant the PFA on that basis.. That hes ano show... theve had 7 days I cant immagine that his attorney has NOT been notified about this..
Back to OUR case... One of the children 9 year old girl, plainly stated in forensic interview that her Pawpaw . messed with her.. that 3 on record now that have reported him for CSA .. Still no one makes a move... now while half sis was at "nanas (his mom's) house last week she was carrying on about finding child porn on his lap top. She went into to full blown denial mode and said that REnt-a Center (who they bought the laptop from sold them a "used" computer and it MUST have been on there from that.. now Mind you Rent a center says they have documentation that it was NEW when purchased... immagine that??? Do they not think that RentaCenter will pull there attorneys into this once they are accused of selling a computer with child porn on it??? ha you bet your A** they will.... The lap top is now at the pawn shop pending pick up by the perv... OMG would I love to get my hands on that laptop... Ive called our investigator and gotten NO response.. MObile is not listening or even making a move... Can I get the Feds involved now that there has beed indication of child porn involved???? Should I call the FBI in Mobile this morning??? Ugh just gettig someone to listen... and make a move...
OMG
Posted on Aug 3, 2009, 6:02 AM from IP address 98.192.84.210
Judge gave mom custody untill the hearing on the 17th ... whew... He also advised dad to keep his mouth shut today least he incriminate himself... I think his stupid attorney was dumbfounded that mom could pull this off without benifit of her own attorney... sometimes just the truth works...
Posted on Aug 3, 2009, 2:57 PM from IP address 98.192.84.210
Hi everyone, Things aren't much different here. Just waiting.We have a new cps worker & we are supposed to meet Monday to make a new prevention plan. Not sure why. Other than that, D loves therapy. She shows no signs of anxiety. Ex tried to take D's. It's just doesn't seem to end.
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 10:04 PM from IP address 74.128.177.5
Hi,things haven't been great. Just blah. The D's & I have been in counseling, my H is on home incarceration at his parents. This week has been a down week. Still wondering and waiting. Today was littlest D's b-day (that H & I share-not s.a. D). Just keep wondering what the future holds.
D shows no anxiety. Ex is trying to take my older 2 D's. He's trying to say I'm withholding records from him, so I signed a release to show I wasn't. Asked D if she wanted bio D to take her to T this week & she said "NO!" Not sure what's going on with that. Hope everyone is able to enjoy some summer sunshine.
Posted on Aug 2, 2009, 10:00 PM from IP address 74.128.177.5
LJ - are you able to have any contact with your H?? This has got to be so stressful on the marriage front. Are you able to talk to your T about it? My D also doesn't seem stressed. I know it will probably all come out someday, but now I try to consider it helpful - one less thing to be crazy about.
Take it easy - if there's a lull, try to do those non stressful things, like the sprinkler and popsicles!
{H}
CG
Posted on Aug 2, 2009, 10:25 PM from IP address 68.252.95.195
Dear CG,
Thank you! I have been unable to shut down from this, I need to get some popsicles :) It's always there. No signs or symptoms. Just the reality. H & I can talk. He is able to see little D supervised. He went to his Dr. today, I went to mine last week.
The positive side is with little D we started speech therapy so it gave me something else to focus on. The other two D's I've been trying to strengthen the bond with games, walks, etc.
Hub & I are both insecure with this and were discussing counseling together. On Friday (if I'm not in court w/my ex), I have an appt with T. It's the gray area that keeps me paralyzed. My first instinct was divorce. But with everything else being thrown in the picture, with both kids saying at different times that they wanted him to come home, how do I know what's right in the long-term? I keep trying to step out of the box & just don't get anywhere. Am I wrong for not knowing?
Posted on Aug 3, 2009, 5:03 PM from IP address 74.130.44.221
I don't think you're wrong. I think this is a very mixed up and confused situation. Everyone's safe right now, so I don't think you need to rush in to a divorce. Not with all the doubt about the truth. I think you could keep communication open, but withhold judgement and decisions for a while. Maybe as this goes along, it will become clearer who the real perp is.
Just take care of yourself, and your girls. Buy LOTS of popscicles! lol. Really though, I wouldn't stress about making life decisions just yet.
CG
Posted on Aug 3, 2009, 7:01 PM from IP address 68.252.95.195
Haven't written in a long time. We thought our case was over back in March when the perp was sentenced to 5 years probation. Within a week of going into a court-ordered dual-diagnosis treatment facility, he walked away. He's been sitting since May in prison. Oh yeah, the perp is my husband's nephew.
It was amazing to watch my inlaws delay for 2 months the hearing on his probation violation. They wanted to try to find ANOTHER facility that would take him. They felt he needed another chance--that his meds hadn't been right when he violated his probation. Now, he would be better.
Third hearing was Thursday and I wrote a letter to the judge. I couldn't go. The thought of this man getting another chance and then another was more than I could take. I begged the judge to send him to prison. Thursday morning, the County Attorney called and said the family (my in-laws) had been unable to locate a facility willing to take the perp and that there was only one program that would take him--and it was run by the state prison.
After the call on Thursday, I cried. I didn't feel happy--just that we had done the right thing. I don't care what my in-laws think and we haven't spoken since Dec 07 when this happened. All I know is now, he's locked away and for at least the next year and a half or so, we can continue to heal our family.
But there is also a part of me that is sad. Sad for the human I held as a baby during his baptism, sad for the little boy who would spend Thanksgiving night with my husband and I. I know that little boy has been gone a very, very long time and I wonder what happened to make that little boy go away. This "creature" that is now my husband's nephew is barely human--he's suicidal, he sexually assaults children and animals, he cares for noone and nothing. He didn't come from a bad family--a messed up family, yes--but not a bad family. He was loved by his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles.
Now I find myself praying as I look at my own 7 year old son . . . .I pray that my boy stays as sweet and loving, joyful and carefree as he is. I don't want my little boy to become like this monster. I know I have no reason to believe my son will . . .but then, there was no reason to believe my nephew would become the creature he has.
Has anyone felt like this before? I'm hoping it's a natural mother thing--to want your children to grow up good, smart, law abiding. I mean sometimes it scares me to death. The perp never hurt my son--just my daughter. And we've never really talked to our son about this. We just want to heal.
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 4:12 PM from IP address 97.119.70.96
I really felt your pain through your post - I'm so sorry you have to go through this! It sounds like you had to relive this trauma several times even after it seemed to be over!
I don't know you, but obviously you are a compassionate person. That you are able to feel sorrow about your nephew after all that's obviously happened says a lot about you. Not everyone can take that perspective - looking back at the child you once knew. I could feel your pain and confussion. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug!!
I think that your question about your own son - could he turn out that way? - is normal. But I don't think you have to worry about it, because of the description you gave of your newphew. He sounds like a psychopath. (I think they have a new word in the psychology world now, but I don't know it.) Being a psycopath is a psychiatric diagnosis. It is a personality disorder and is generally incurable. Do you happen to know if he set fires? Wet his bed at a very late age, like 12-14? Torturing animals, setting fires, and betwetting TOGETHER (if you have a betwetter, don't freak out!) are a very dangerous personality that has the strong potential to be a serial killer. Even if he didn't have all three characteristics, psychopaths are always bad news. You did the right thing. He needed to be locked up.
I don't know your story, but it's obviously been a very painful journey, filled with loss. I am wishing your family peace and healing.
Big Hugs,
CG
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 11:00 PM from IP address 68.252.95.195
I can relate to your feelings about whether your child will be "normal" after what's happened. Once they've been exposed to this type of behavior, it's hard to say how it will impact them - at least this is what my counselor and my son's counselor have both said. It's hard not to have a definite answer...I know. Then again, perhaps we never really would have had a firm answer on this. Even kids who come from "good" families and are raised "normally" can turn out to be crazy.
I think about this too. I don't mean to come across as unsupportive or overly practical about this - I think that the best we can do as parents is to listen to and believe our children when they come to us, get them the help they need, and move forward. Easier said than done, but I'm not sure what else can be done.
Posted on Aug 11, 2009, 4:11 AM from IP address 76.121.225.231
For anyone following the "story" I finally worked up the courage to talk to my S. I called him on his birthday. He was very emotional, and hung up the phone because he was crying. I caught myself wanting to tell him it was okay, (mom response), but really, it isn't. He is totally taking responsibility, which is good, and paying his summer income towards therapy. Thanks to all of you who supported me when I couldn't bring myself to speak to him! Maybe in the end, it was good for him to suffer?
Thanks again everyone - I couldn't have made it this far without you!!
Hugs,
CG
Posted on Jul 30, 2009, 8:06 PM from IP address 68.252.95.195
I'm so glad you were able to speak to him, and you did it on your own timetable because you felt ready, not because you thought it was what you were 'supposed' to do. This is the first step towards really healing and repairing your relationship. As for making your son suffer, I think he needed to see exactly how devastating this was to you. Surely he knows you love him so for you to not even be able to talk to him for months shows him that this is the hardest thing you've ever gone through. Clearly he's remorseful and is doing what he can to make things right again within the family, not that the CSA can ever be erased, but I believe one day you will be a close family again, just take things one step at a time, when it feels right to you.
Posted on Jul 30, 2009, 8:48 PM from IP address 68.63.139.188
CG, I know how wonderful, yet difficult this phone call must have been for you! Take the "good" feelings and cherish them...forgetting about the rest! As KL said, this is the first step forward...One day you will have a 'new' relationship together and judging from your commitment, it will be a lasting one! Your son is so fortunate to have you! I'm so happy for you both!
BIG HUGS, gina
I saw our son online the other day, it startled me! I 'almost' im'd him, but couldn't bring myself to do so...
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 8:17 AM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Thanks Gina. It really helped having everyone let me know it was okay to wait until I was ready. I know what you meat about S - I don't see mine online, but when he's talking to another family member on the cell, I start to reach for the phone...
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 10:42 PM from IP address 68.252.95.195
Things are okay. I am just fried. Summer w/ 4 kids is brutal. Because of the economy, I couldn't sign any up for camp. And now that summer is in full swing, hubby is finally working.... 14-hr days. My kids are just too often out of control... in that normal kid way, but it's exhausting. My 4-yr old is *yikes* and my 10-yr old goads him on constantly. My middle girl is mostly a sweetie and the baby is a GEM! But I am fried and summer is only 2/3 over!
My daughter started therapy again and seems SOOOOOO happy. YAY! And no longer claims to be hungry 24/7. Simply by changing how the whole family eats over the past one month, she is back in the "normal" weight range.
I just wish I could figure out how to cope with the 4-yr old now. I want to do fun things with the kids, but I am scared to take them out in public. Heck, I am scared to be at home with them!
Can't wait till school starts!
thanks again for asking about me and thinking of me!
Posted on Jul 31, 2009, 1:53 AM from IP address 76.227.8.150
Why do they say the "lazy days of summer"? I'm sure it wasn't a mom who coined that phrase!!
I'm so glad the therapy is helping your D that has to be a big weight off your shoulders.I just got back from a week at the beach with the family and had the most wonderful time.I was pretty low before we went felt like we were NEVER going to heal but this week I saw so many signs that we can and will heal...First time I've felt this hopeful since the disclosures started...
Our summer is almost over,kids go back to school in less than 3 weeks...I love when the summer comes and we get a break but by the end of summer I think even the kids are ready for some routine:)
I did threaten my girls today that if the bickering didn't stop I was going to lose it!(The 11 yr old and 14 yr old)
Hope things simmer down some for you soon...
((Hugs))
E
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 11:04 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
e,
our two girls are bickering so much i am about to lose it!! lol we've got about SIX weeks till school starts!! yikes...i'm never going to make it! smiles....hope all is well with you!!!
nonnie...so glad that all is better with your dd!! you too...think of you LOTS..gina
Posted on Aug 2, 2009, 11:20 AM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I hear you!! My 8 year old is so ADHD I've had trouble with family outings for years. I know where you're coming from. I've been doing OT with him, and it's starting to help. If you want to hear some of the easy stuff you could try, e-mail me.
When the kids pick at each other out of sheer bordom - I want to run screaming or hide in my room.(Kids fighting? Where? No, certainly not my kids. Must be someone else's kids. I don't have to pay any attention to this.) lol
Yay about your D!! Good job mom, for taking her back to T. Couldn't have been easy.
hang in there,
CG
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 11:20 PM from IP address 68.252.95.195
Can I please ask you why you are scared of public places?
I too am scared of many public places with my children in
hand... I would like to know if this is common fear?
Posted on Aug 5, 2009, 2:51 PM from IP address 74.137.126.116
Scared to take them out in public because their behavior is ATROCIOUS! lol
It is scary-bad. They don't listen, they don't notice other people... almost knocking down little old ladies, running into driveways where cars are backing out, wrestling in busy parking lots... you name it.
Posted on Aug 5, 2009, 6:14 PM from IP address 76.227.8.150
I can not sleep again ,I cry for myself and the abuse I went threw.Now my kids are victoms ,and I tried verything to keep them safe.Will there ever be a stand for victoms,when will these sick sexualy twisted people fear us,the courts and laws do not protect us.MY???? when will all the victoms stand as one and make changes in the laws to keep these people off the street ,and make them fear there action of sexual abuse.Or will, I, my kids and others, forever be someones victom of sick sexual abuse.
Posted on Jul 30, 2009, 4:09 AM from IP address 205.209.12.21
I'm so sorry for all you are going through.I too am a victim from childhood who has children who were victimized.I understand the intensity of the pain you feel.I'm glad you have found this site.I have only been here for 4 months but I can tell you of all the steps I have taken to move toward healing being here has been one of the best things I ever did.The ladies and men are the most wonderful people...Please post often.We understand.
Posted on Jul 30, 2009, 8:25 AM from IP address 64.20.130.144
Laurie,
Gosh it seems that there is soo much need in this area.. OmG the system is so broken and so stupid when it comes to this stuff .. It seems as if they think that if they just ignore it it will go away. That is not working as all here well know!!! They have to be brought to justice laws have to be stronger, AGENCIES have to beheld accountable for there lack of action!!!!!!And we need to scream untill they are held so!!This business of passing the buck and ignoring phone calls and outcrys for help from parents and victims is obsurd.. Just in the last two weeks weve had 4 different case handlers that suddenly went on vacation... hmmm you think they all went at the same time or is that standard issue excuse when you dont know what the F**k you are doing and youd be better off bagging groceries than calling your self a child advocate...I am finding that you cant rely on the forces of social services in any way ... you really have to take matters into your own hands and push and push to get them to do there jobs. So many could care less as long as its not them or there kids involved.
The good news is I found all of you .. the greatest people I know to date!!!I would have found a cabin on the top of the rockies without you all. Something has to be done for sure . And the sooner the better..I hope we can do something to make some changes.. Children should never have to suffer this..
Take care Laurie Im right there with you ..
Debi
Posted on Jul 30, 2009, 7:01 PM from IP address 98.192.84.210
Lauire,
You are totally right. My son recently told me he was sexually abused at the age of 10 he is now 28. I have searched through the internet and counseling centers. It is very evident that there is a large problem that has no places or places that can help and furnish us with help. I have called I have searched but there are less than what I thought would be offices or places or people that can help. It's ridiculious. I feel for you I am the parent, and I hate what happened to my son and other children or people that have been abused in any way. You do not deserve that. Know that I hear you loud and clear. I believe that you are a wonderful person and you should never be mad at yourself but be upset and angry at the lack of control this person who abused you. He or she is the problem. Love your self you are wonderful Yvonne
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 5:30 PM from IP address 74.126.226.125
Hi Yvonne like you I found out about my sons abuse years after it had taken place.In some this may make it easier like knowing they are safe but in other ways I think it's even harder.It breaks my heart to know how long this poor kid carried his pain and how much it has affected his life.If you ever need to "talk" about it please know I understand and am there if you need me...right after disclosure we went through our own living hell but I can tell you now that we are truly on the path to real healing...just to give you hope..
Posted on Aug 1, 2009, 10:46 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and yes, like the others have said...the system is broken but there ARE those in it that want to help. And sometimes it takes a determined individual to get them to listen. You have to listen carefully and you have to take the emotional side out of it if you are going to get anywhere in changing the laws...or in winning your case. And I'm not saying shut down and not have ANY emotions...far from it...I'm saying stay calm...sit back and let them see how you handle yourself with dignity. Hold your head high and hold it together. They are going to listen to a woman or to a group that wants to change things that can stay calm and focused and that is so hard for most of us to do!!!
I had some great advice from a wonderful friend once...she told me to not let them see the desperate, raw, hurt side of me. She said that their hands are tied...meaning the judge and the caseworkers...there is only so much they can do...so much they can try and charge him with but I need to let them do their jobs but I need to be an advocate to my children. Stay involved, ask questions. And that's what I did. I got a lawyer, I asked questions, I made sure I knew what every single document said and meant. I was there for every single hearing even if I didn't need to be.
And CPS told me that without me they probably wouldn't have had as strong a case...meaning...the things I pushed, how I was a huge advocate for my children. How I did research on the laws, and made sure that they didn't just let my kids go back to him unsupervised, I worked with CPS! But the biggest thing I did was I was proactive! I did the research myself...I didn't wait for all of them to do it...bc they can't and frankly...bc the way some of the ppl in office, whether it be judges or like in my case our County Attorney they believe that the parent(even if they are an offender) deserves a second chance.
But so you know...there are those that WANT to help...their hands are just tied...it's up to us to help them out...bc we are our children's biggest advocates!
Anyway...enough of my rant...if you got this far...THANK YOU! I have a lot to say about it and I have a some experience so i know I can help!
Hugs,
Bree :)
Posted on Jul 31, 2009, 1:22 AM from IP address 70.59.1.54
