The purpose of this message board is to provide encouragement to anyone whose life has been touched by sexual abuse. Through the sharing of our personal opinions, questions, fears and experiances we can support one another in efforts to heal from it's effects! For parents, and other caretakers who want online support regarding a child within a closed group environment, please click on the link below:
My 4-year old son just revealed to us today that the 13-year-old girl had put her mouth on his penis. I knew about the kissing and the vagina to penis rubbing from the csa interview with the police, but this is new information.
Here's my vent:
I HATE having to address these new details. I HATE being forced to teach my 4 year old about sex - outside the bounds of what I would normally be teaching him at this phase in his life. I HATE that the State has not yet made a decision about whether to charge this 13-year-old monster in the making. I HATE that her sociopath mother blames my 4-year-old for her daycare license being suspended. I HATE that this same mother may still be running her daycare and DSHS is so incompetent that they are not checking on her regularly. I HATE that after 5 months, I still can't sleep through the night. I HATE feeling so consumed by all of this.
I am praying so that I will be able to forgive the mother and daughter, and have some peace of mind for myself - it's hard because both of them haven't accepted responsibility for any of this and to add insult to injury, they've spread vicious lies about my son (a 4 year old--for pete's sake) and our family.
I just want my family to be able move forward....
Posted on Nov 22, 2009, 6:14 PM from IP address 76.121.224.48
i'm sorry for your continued pain! one things for sure, i really could relate to your post...as the 'details' surface our pain becomes more intense...i remember feeling i couldn't handle anything more...but, i did!...you will handle each with the strength you didn't know ya had...eventually, the details stop and so does the all intense pain in your heart! all the hate you feel is TOTALLY normal..keep strong and just keep believing that it will one day ease and normalcy WILL return in your lives...IT DOES..really!!...thinking of you...gina
Posted on Nov 22, 2009, 8:29 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I'm so sorry Lee.I understand how incredibly painful this all is.I am more than a year out from a couple of the disclosures and still find myself thinking from time to time "Is this really my life?" It's sad to know how little our society cares about children.We give a lot of lip service to caring about children but it only takes a couple visits to this site to see we truly do not...not until a child is killed and then we become outraged...how sad?
I will keep you in my prayers.My children carried their pain for many years without sharing it.I wish I had known right away so that maybe I could have helped.Be thankful that your little one does not carry his secret any longer.Sending positive and healing thoughts your way.
Posted on Nov 22, 2009, 10:05 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
I'm so sorry...having to hear more and more details can just suck the life out of you. I remember that I got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore so the girls' therapist stopped telling me about the details of the disclosures. All that I wanted to know was how they were doing. Are they OK. The pain can be all-consuming!
And I want you to know that it's OK to not forgive them right now...or ever if you can't. God understands your pain and He doesn't expect you to worry about them right now. You just focus on you and your baby. They need to carry the burden of what was done. You just work on healing...and God will do the rest. {{{{LEE}}}}
Thinking of you and your little pumpkin...
Bree :)
Posted on Nov 23, 2009, 11:41 AM from IP address 70.59.1.4
I feel like I'm a bit isolated in this. I'm having trouble locating a support network as a parent. I would really like to share some of the issues we are dealing with, to vent and to get some feedback. I hope to get somewhere here, but are there are other places online that I haven't found yet?
Posted on Nov 21, 2009, 11:31 PM from IP address 24.179.10.134
Welcome,sorry you need to be here but this is a place for all you have described.I am the mother of 5 sexually abused children and this place has meant everything to me.I have only been here since March but don't know what I would do without it.Post often it will help.We understand (((Hugs)))
Posted on Nov 22, 2009, 2:21 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
i see that you've already visited the green site suggested by blurrrb. let me assure you that this forum is filled with great moms,some have experiances with the court system others do not, we all share one common thing, our child/ren were sexually abused and we know what a parent feels after their child's disclosure..i am so sorry that you've the need to find a group such as ours, but very glad you found us!! there are other groups out there some really good and others well not so much, bottom line is it's which ever one/s provide you with the support you need! please feel free to vent, ask questions, share concerns..we're here listening! hope to hear more from you..take gentle care..and remember, you are NOT alone in this...gina
Posted on Nov 22, 2009, 8:22 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
for forums, very little was out their in the beginning, now it is finally growing. This is the 1st fourm I found w/a message board. From my experience it has helped me the most to commuicate & share. I'm sorry you are here...but thankful you found this fourm/board...it has helped me already!
saldy; your not alone....like other responders said we are here for you. Hang in there...thoughts and blessing to you & yours...
Posted on Nov 27, 2009, 3:27 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
Hi. Perp was arrested two months ago. Case involves two young children. The bio mom was also a victim under 12. Case will deal with all three victims. Can anyone give me some insight into how court will go when we actually get to that point?
Eight months into custody and luckily we started therapy immediately.
Posted on Nov 21, 2009, 11:28 PM from IP address 24.179.10.134
We are just getting to the court process after 10 months. Do you have a victims advocate? I email mine whenever I have a question and we've gotten together a few times for them to explain the process and any new developments. It has been helpful for me. I will let you know what happens as we go along.
Posted on Nov 22, 2009, 10:35 PM from IP address 71.231.127.145
I can't give you any insight into court, because My X/SO...took the plea vs. court. the above repsonder is right on. The DA should have you hooked-up w/a victim's advocate right from the get go. I had one at grand jury and at his indictment (the next day after his arrest) she went with me to court and explained every step...
Thoughts and prayers to you & yours!*
Posted on Nov 27, 2009, 3:21 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
My S (the perp) is starting to ask me for normal stuff, like paying for driver's ed, and new clothes. I am having such a stupidly hard time with this! I feel like - "What?! After what you did I should pay for you to drive??" on the other hand, he's taking responsibility, and is in counseling, so I think maybe I'm being too...too..I don't know! Vindictive? Part of me is so hurt all the time, because I was so close to this son (so I thought) and now he doesn't share anything with me. Which is of course crazy because I don't know if I want him to share. Arg!!
Any thoughts??
CG
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 4:47 PM from IP address 65.43.221.213
Apologies for being so blunt..but i have just found myself wondering and wanting to find the answer to this. From my life experience i have so far found this to be true. My dad was one and i found my husband to be one aswell. Is this it??
Is this how all men are?
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 7:53 AM from IP address 80.239.242.33
a pervert and THANK GOD for that. He gets so mad and disgusted it when we hear of a crime committed to any kid, the killing of Shaniya Davis was specially hard for us, How can anybody do that to any child, she did not do anything wrong in this world to deserve that faith, but I know she is in a better place with God's arms around her but I feel so bad for her dad and the family, and this is just one example. My H might not be a proactive guy but he is a wonderful man, husband and daddy. He loves his girls and will never do anything bad to them, and I can put my hands on fire for him on this, I know he will never do anything to hurt his girls or any kid around him. He is not perfect and has many defects but that is not one of them, thank god.
I was race by my stepdaddy and he is also good. I am the only girl out of 4 and he never did anything pervert to me or my brothers I thank God every day for that. But I think I know were you coming from, is disgusting to hear of case of CSA everyday, and it makes you wonder if they are all preverts, but sadly it is not only men there are a lot of women that as bad if not worse that men sometimes.
Please do not loose it there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know you had the misfortune to have married one of those perverts, but there will be satisfactory ending for you and yours, have little faith your "happiness" will come one day.
Hugs,
Bella
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 8:46 AM from IP address 208.247.58.25
It is hard to see beyond what i have exzperienced with the 2 important males in my life turning out the way they did. I have alwas had more of a feminist attitude and found it difficult to put up with other stuff that my H would do or be into, but i would have to shut up and put up. Then for him to go on and abuse dd. Thats something i can't put up with. Crazy thing is he has alwys and still does speak ill of my father because he had abused my bro for 4yrs. But to me they are both as bad as each other. He is NOT any better than my dad. He just feels like a hypocrite.
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 9:35 AM from IP address 80.239.242.53
Well...my hubby isn't and neither is my dad. They are truly wonderful men. Now my ex on the other hand...and when you said that your ex is a hypocrite I believe they ALL are. My ex use to say how much he hated pedophiles and the such but I think they all feel that way. They have to put up a good front but I also think they really do think that way. I think somewhere inside they really don't want to be the way they are but the urge to do outweighs the "good conscience".
So no, they aren't all perverts :) I walk around sometimes and will look at all these men and wonder "is he a pedophile?" I have a hard time trusting any male...but my hubby is patient with me and knows my doubts about the male gender! You aren't alone in your thinking but I do want you to know that there are good men...plenty of good men...you just have to trust your instincts...as hard as that is to do!
{{{{{SHABS}}}}}
Much love and hugs,
Bree :)
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 10:53 AM from IP address 70.59.1.4
As paeodiphiles...men who perve on anything female, young or old. It just really peeeves me off. I feel totally sick and disgusted by the way they lear at women and girls. I never thought my H was like that, i always believed he was 'DIFFERENT'. Much to my dissappointement, he has turned out to be someone who lears at girls and women, has no respect for females. We are only there to serve them. Its a pity bcos our religion teaches to respect females and value them. I guess he is more inclined to the social concept of where he is from in regards to women. Aaagggghhhhh
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 11:11 AM from IP address 80.239.242.121
bree..i have a wonderful hubby, 'like yours', he understands my insanities...i as you describe see all men as 'offenders'...when it comes to trusting my instincts...i probably never will again, not totally anyway...as shabs says, she never dreamed her husband was capable of doing what he did, nor did you feel that about your ex!...i know NEVER in a million would i have believed our precious son capable of the acts he committed...so, i ask...how am i to trust my 'instincts' when they so terribly failed me in the past?!!!! i think that trusting my judgement is the biggest issue i face..not being able to trust men is secondary...
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 1:18 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Oh...I know what you mean about instincts and not trusting them. And I DID feel like there was something TOTALLY wrong with my ex...if I wouldn't have sex with him he would get sooo mad and then leave the room. I thought he was going to sleep on the couch. One night this happened and I went out into the hall and found him in the bed with my daughter. I asked him what the hell he was doing??!!! He told me that he was going to sleep in her room and I told absolutely not!! He does not need to sleep with our daughter when we are fighting about sex!!! I yelled at him to get out of her room right now!! This was years before my other daughter disclosed...sigh...I felt weird about him before that but after that it was always in the back of mind. I always felt there was something about him that he wasn't telling me. Just this "instinct".
And I guess when I say for Shabs to use her instinct...I think all of us see in hindsight what was "wrong" with our children. We all see the signs that we were missing before...sigh...
I watched this Oprah show, and there was also one on Dr. Phil, about teaching your kids how to protect themselves. A FANTASTIC show! But it says to teach your kids to use their instincts. If there is something happening that just doesn't feel right...always look over your shoulder at the person who makes you feel uncomfortable. Don't take your eyes off of them. I know that with my ex I just had this instinct and I ignored it...it was this feeling in my gut, I just didn't feel right about him...sorry about the ramble and hope I got my point across...it's hard to explain what I mean!
Hugs,
Bree :)
P.S. I've taught my kids how to defend themselves in situations. Of course after the abuse...wish I would have before hand. But my girls feel so very empowered knowing they can fight and have a voice :)
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 6:59 PM from IP address 70.59.1.4
we taught our daughter to say NO! scream and kick and TELL the person who trys to touch you that you're telling on them...all of it...BEFORE they were abused...the reality is, no matter what a child does or says...their abuser is older and 'wiser'...expecting that a child can protect themselves from the likes of an offender is really a scary thought!
Posted on Nov 27, 2009, 1:27 AM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I have been so blessed to have been married to a wonderful man for the last 28 years.He is not a pervert.He is a kind and gentle human being.There are alot of good men out there...I promise.Men who care about children and would never hurt a child for anything.I'm sorry you have had such bad luck with men but believe me there are many wonderful men.
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 3:19 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
bree, e and any others...reasonably, i 'know' there are many wonderful men...i have been married to my hubby for nearly 26 years now...he's gentle and kind...i 'know' he'd never hurt our children...ANY child...however, i then think about all the women who are married to WONDERFUL men..gentle, kind...and THEN...their child discloses sexual abuse...i am not trying to discourage anyone...these are the thoughts that i have...i mean of course there HAS to be 'good' men in our world...it's just how can you tell one from the other?!!
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 3:40 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
My perp is not my husband...but it's one of my sons. My trust in people has also been severely compromised. One of my other sons went to babysit for a neighbor, and I felt nervous. I had to remind myself that he wasn't the perp, and hasn't been abused. There was no reason to suspect he'd molest other kids. That's sad, IMO.
Shabs, did you have any individual or family therapy after your brother's disclosure??
with you,
CG
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 4:40 PM from IP address 65.43.221.213
Shabs, I don't want to play amateur therapist, but it is a fact that women who were battered children, tend to marry men who batter them. Children of alcoholics, marry alcoholics. This trend, to repeat your family of origin, happens a lot. This doesn't mean you have any blame here!!! But I know you don't want to repeat this situation in your life, and the best way is to understand yourself better.
CG
Posted on Nov 21, 2009, 7:28 PM from IP address 65.43.221.213
I know 2 for sure that aren't. My dad and husband. I have some serious issues with men because of past abuse issues and now what happened to my daughter. I dont know if I'll ever fully trust another man again except for these 2. I understand how you feel. I'd say the majority of the men I've met are but maybe I just gravitate toward that type of person.
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 4:58 PM from IP address 71.231.127.145
I am not sure why these PERPS are perverted - especially when it comes to children - and I probably won't ever get an answer to that question - "why?" I just know that they're not ALWAYS men...sometimes they are women or teenagers (and in my case, both), and that there are GOOD people in this world - even when it seems like they are hard to find.
Posted on Nov 22, 2009, 6:29 PM from IP address 76.121.224.48
but I woke up in the middle of the night & started watching an episode of roseanne where Darlene has a premature baby & it just made me start crying & thinking of how we can't control what happens to our kids. The victims advocate told us the other day how theres a new law which gives a mandatory minimum of 30 years in prison for sexual assault of a child. She has to find out if that applies to the crimes my nephew committed. He was offered a plea deal of 2 years and turned it down. He is going to face charges for my daughter and my neice as well. Even if he does get 30 years is that suppose to make me happy? I'm starting to figure out that there is no win because I just wish this all didn't happen and no matter what I don't think I'm going to be happy with the outcome because look what it's done to my family.
Posted on Nov 19, 2009, 1:29 PM from IP address 71.231.127.145
just last night...i cried because it was so sad..you're right...seeing/hearing about any situation that is beyond one's control is so emotional for us...i've cried many times just reading posts here on the forum!! keep strong angie...it will get better...Hugs, gina
Posted on Nov 19, 2009, 3:58 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Angie - one step forward, two steps back.
Don't think because you had a bad night (week, month) that there's no progress! I am so much more functional than I was, but many times the hurt gets a hold of me and... You're still very day to day involved with this stuff. The trial, etc. - how can you NOT be upset? And I know your D doesn't always seem grateful for your help, but she WILL. That might take a long time for her to say. We are here for you!
Hugs,
CG
Posted on Nov 19, 2009, 4:15 PM from IP address 65.43.221.213
I'm sorry you are having a tough time.That happens to me too.I think I am doing okay or great and then something triggers me and I spiral.I am thinking of you and praying for you...Hang in there.I picture it like being stuck in the undertow...you just have to swim parallel to the shore until it breaks it's grip.(((hugs)))
E
Posted on Nov 20, 2009, 3:24 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
I think there's light at the end of this DARK tunnel...
by Lee
I am going through the same thing, Angie. It's all so raw for me still. Part of me believes that this is the type of thing that you never get over...but you learn how to cope and push through it. I bounce between anger, depression, and anxiety. I read an article about forgiveness today in Good Housekeeping Magazine (Dec 2009 issue). It gave some pretty good insight and tips for moving toward peace of mind. In the article, the quote, "forgiveness does not make what someone did to you is ok" and the idea that we should look at forgiveness in terms of our OWN peace of mind resonated with me.
My point is - just keep faith. I think eventually we'll be able to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Posted on Nov 22, 2009, 6:24 PM from IP address 76.121.224.48
Never seems to end... But you know & I know we are far from alone sadly enough. But like a responder wrote, keep the faith, that's all I do, and of course hold on tight to my youngest D...
Prayers to you and yours
Posted on Nov 23, 2009, 3:22 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
Never seems to end... But you know & I know we are far from alone sadly enough. But like a responder wrote, keep the faith, that's all I do, and of course hold on tight to my youngest D...
Prayers to you and yours
Posted on Nov 23, 2009, 3:22 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
Never seems to end... But you know & I know we are far from alone sadly enough. But like a responder wrote, keep the faith, that's all I do, and of course hold on tight to my youngest D...
Prayers to you and yours
Posted on Nov 23, 2009, 3:22 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
advice on finding information to help famil understand
by
I am the mother of a 7 yr old son who was sexually abused a year ago by a female family friend and her sons.
My son is in counciling as so have i but my inlaws are finding it very hard to understand what my son has and is going through and are making life very difficult for me to let them take him even for an hour without having a nervous break down. As i know my son is very unsure of new situations and likes everything to be set to a plan .
I have searched the web looking for information so they can understand that it takes time for an abused child to gain trust again and for information on the diffrent stages they are likley to go through in there recovery but i have found nothing help ful as yet
I had thought of getting my sons councilor involved but feel that it would be invading his space introducing his grandparents to her.
Does anyone know of any sites that would be helpful for me to look at ?
Posted on Nov 18, 2009, 11:34 AM from IP address 86.153.166.56
Hi Gail so sorry that you find yourself here but glad you found this site. There is another site called ArielsSolace?(not sure if I spelled it right)anyhow they have a spot where you can buy books...A lot of them looked very good.I hope this helps.
Posted on Nov 18, 2009, 4:21 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
Just to update...my dd had her 1st session with her therapist. It was a bit of trek but i felt good about having done it. As it means i'm doing something towards helping my daughter....to begin healing.
My dd was really excited and just wanted to get in there and start playing. I told her she can talk to the therapist if she wants to, but she doesn't want to do any talking just playing. Which is fine by me.
Her dad on the other hand has become quite arrogant and seems to think that just because the police haven't done anything, i should just let it go and we should go back to living together.
It angers me when he says that.
Because he hasn't done anything for me to even BEGIN to try trusting in him. He isn't getting any sort of help or practically doing something to show me that he is trying to sort himself out. Then how dare he expect me to trust him 'just like that'. I just can't do it.
He still comes round as he has a legal right to the house and demanding that he wants to see his kids.
I had been holding this in for quite some time but i eventually blew and said that i can't trust him on Sunday at which he got angry and became violent.
Posted on Nov 17, 2009, 4:36 PM from IP address 80.239.242.65
this seems to be the biggest story of abuse - the un-proved - unbeleived- unprotected children,
The system forces these very children that were so brave to talk. to see the very perp. because he is biologically connected and there is no legal action taken. - Must be proven beyond a doubt.
Well we believe, and know the struggles you face ahead but you can succeed. you have already proven yourself a very strong women and mother.
Posted on Nov 18, 2009, 1:24 AM from IP address 72.188.106.188
My husband just got 20 years for molesting two of my grand-daughters. I don't know how to feel. I am numb and confused and so alone. My son only wants me to babysit and give him money, but I have none. I drive a school bus and just go day to day. I cry all the time and have no one to talk to I could really use that right now. I sometimes just want to kill myself.
Posted on Nov 19, 2009, 3:02 PM from IP address 75.134.5.26
Bonnie..i can only imagine your pain! are your granddaughters in treatment? you are welcome here anytime...post anything you feel..no judgements here...gina
Posted on Nov 19, 2009, 3:20 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Bonny, what a terrible ordeal! I'm so sorry for your pain!
CG
This message has been edited by ginamck from IP address 98.224.224.223 on Nov 19, 2009 5:09 PM This message has been edited by ginamck from IP address 98.224.224.223 on Nov 19, 2009 5:09 PM
Posted on Nov 19, 2009, 4:18 PM from IP address 65.43.221.213
shabs..what happened on sunday?...i hope you called the police! how horrible, on top of everything he's done, now he gets violent...plz be careful! so how did the session go? was your babe able to talk?...how was she afterwards?...thinking of you and your precious daughter! hugs, gina
Posted on Nov 18, 2009, 7:11 AM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Unfortunately, this sounds all too typical. From your H's point of view, it's in his best benefit in 100 ways to pretend nothing happened. Loss of marriage, kids, jail time, humiliation - very few people are going to admit they deserve that. You are showing amazing determination and strength, Shabs!! If he became violent, you might be able to use that to keep him away! Can you change the locks on the house??
If you need to e-mail off board, you can click CG where it's underlined.
Strength and Hugs!
CG
Posted on Nov 19, 2009, 9:08 AM from IP address 65.43.221.213
It means alot to hear someone say what i was just thinking. It helps me to stay strong and know that i'm not 'going cazy' or being 'stubborn' as he calls it. It hurts that after everything a part of me still is hoping and giving him 'a chance' but he just dosnt want to take it. His 'respect' and 'ego' is more important tio him then 'us'.
he doesn't deserve a chance i know.
Posted on Nov 19, 2009, 9:20 AM from IP address 80.239.242.56
Thank you to all who took the time to take my survey! The results while exactly as I expected are none the less quite interesting!
I first surveyed the general population here locally and as KL points out, the results were very different! Those 1st surveyed were;30% 20-30 yrs old, 30% men and 40% women over 30 yrs old. Question 1 80% of those polled felt that child sexual abuse was a MAJOR problem in society today. Question 3 70% believe that their child or a child very close to them is NOT at risk of being sexually abused.
Surveying parents of sexual abuse victims 90% feel that csa is a MAJOR problem in society and 90% feel that their child or a child close to them IS at risk of being sexually abused!
Feedback from any is welcomed/appreciated...thanks again to ALL...gina
Posted on Nov 15, 2009, 10:39 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
So in other words, most people in the general population believe CSA is a major problem, just not THEIR problem, nor is it likely to ever be their problem. I think we all probably remember those days.....
Very interesting, Gina, thanks for posting the results.
KL
Posted on Nov 15, 2009, 11:30 PM from IP address 68.63.139.188
