Note: The following scoop is funny for a while but then gets really sick at the end. I advise you to please turn back now.
For the last few days, the Star Trek internet community has been buzzing over news that Kate Mulgrew may be leaving Star Trek: Voyager after her contract runs out next year. Then, Robert Beltran said he might leave the show too. That would take out the most incompetent captain in all of Star Trek and the most annoying first officer. Obviously, Voyager will be unable to continue without drastic changes, I mean Tuvok would be in charge of the ship. As I suspected those clever producers would do, they came up with a solution. A solution that would come straight from Brannon Braga himself.
It all starts out with the 6th season finale... Paramount execs know that UPN won't last that much longer, so the 6th season finale will be the last time UPN will broadcast. Don't worry, Voyager won't be ending and no one gives a damn about UPN 'Jiggy Wit' It' programming block. In the finale itself, we learn that the ship has finally run out of it's energy source for the replicators and the holodecks. There is a fun moment at the beginning of the episode where it is revealed that if they just didn't use the highly energy consuming holodecks and just did something like read a book to relax, they wouldn't have had to ration the replicators and eat Neelix's cooking. In fact, they would easily have had an energy surplus to manufacture spare parts.
When Janeway comes up with an ingenious solution of landing on a dangerous planet and adapting crude oil to fuel the replicators. Several bridge officers try to force their opinions on the subject but Janeway utters the phrase, "Need Coffee!" in a demonic voice and everyone shuts up. On the planet, the entire crew is enlisted to go down to the surface to hand drill for oil. Tuvok once again tries to mention that even though crude oil won't fuel the replicators, he could just easily retrieve it from orbit using the phaser banks and the transporters, but Janeway says coffee again and Tuvok cowers in fear. After trying to dig with toy shovels for a while, the crew awakens a group of Species 8472 made up to look like Borgified half-Kazon, half-Cardassian shock troops. A stunning land battle will ensue that will be entirely in CGI. Early estimates say the battle footage will have the quality of Doom II running on a 486. The crew of Voyager will easily beat the 8472, even if they are better armed and more powerful. So as they fall the 8472, pull a nasty trick. They release a nano-plasma-quantum virus that was developed in a dimensional anomaly. The virus destroys all organic material on an organism, so all the crew is dying except for two. The EMH is obviously fine as he is just a hologram. (Note: His program continues to work even after the holodecks go powerless. I guess they could use the mobile emitter, but it is not seen on him at all) The other surviving crew member is Seven of Nine. Even though in First Contact they stated that Borg can not survive without their organic content and even killed many Borg using a technique nearly identical to that of 8472 virus, Seven survives as some metallic parts and two mysterious gel packs on her chest, the computer chips in her brain include a complete back-up of her brain so the EMH puts her in a chamber to regenerate her body. As you see the Doctor put her in the chamber some stunning cross promotion is shown with a little Intel Inside logo on the metallic skull.
It may seem that Voyager will be up a creek without a paddle but Brannon Braga's plan still has many parts left to it. Remember what I said about Voyager moving to a new network, that network is Showtime. Showtime has had an excellent record for quality Sci-Fi programming like The Outer Limits and Stargate SG-1, but the team that worked on those shows isn't working on Voyager. In fact, Voyager isn't going to even be in the same programming block as these shows. If you haven't guessed by now, Star Trek: Voyager is going to become an adult series. Yes, you may think that this will ruin everything Gene Roddenberry's dream stands for, but Rick Berman himself is stimulated by what look to be promising results of the new format.
The Season premere will start out with a new opening sequence with the Voyager theme remastered to a heavy bass beat and a woman breathing in the backgroung. The new sequence will also have the ship flying around nude siloutes (massive Spelling Error) of women. The actual episode will start out with the Doctor going about his normal duties, he has now reprogramed himself so he now controls all of the ship's functions and no one else is needed. He goes to wake up Seven after the regeneration sequence is complete. Apparently, the regeneration had a few problems. Seven's chest size has now blown up to a size that is just sickening for any sane non-teenage male. Her back-up brain also has a defect in it, a nypho clause. The EMH, correction the ESFH (Emergency Ship Functions Hologram), goes back to his duties. Being as no one else is aboard, Seven no longer feels the need to wear a uniform and goes around the ship completely naked.
Naked shots of Seven continue for a good ten minutes, until a Red Alert is sounded when a ship pulls up aside Voyager. It is appearently the Lesbian Cat Women from Orgyiana Prime. They ask for permission to beam over and Seven grants it. Well, you can guess what happens next. All I will tell you is that this episode will really set the mood for the rest of Voyager and Seven's bust size will make me throw up in sickness once it is actually displayed in it's new form.
I'm sorry, I got out of line on this one.
Little Bob
PS Scoop Guy, I will be starting on some reviews pretty soon.
Posted on Nov 16, 1998, 6:58 PM from IP address 208.134.202.73