I don't want to be pedantic but if I make up 5% of all your visitors...
by Queasly
Oh forget it. I thought I'd share with you a scoop that I myself happened to come across one evening, and a very fine evening it was too. As you know, Data is going to be killed off in the next film - the only question being how. Well I can reveal that it will be an emotional sendoff, more gut-wrenching even than Spocks, a death in which Data and we the audience will together go on a journey of self-dicovery and enlightenment.
This scoop covers the final scenes of Trek X, in which Data takes his first dump. We watch this powerful event in his life as the climax to a tense and powerful film. Data's first attempt is successful, and the universe sees the birth of the first absolutely perfectly formed turd. Data has integrated his neural-net programming into it so that it becomes sentient. And Q pops up and Picard says "What Are You Doing Here Q?" and Q points out that Jean-Luc is there too - and in fact the whole crew are there to witness the birth of a new life-form, it is their job, after all.
BUT THEN - and this is where it gets dark - Q kills the new-born turd so that Data with his emotion-chip can experience the pain of loosing a loved one. Q buggers off to take the piss out of Janeway and Data decides to have another attempt. HOWEVER - he gets constipation and begins to die. Crusher is unable (well, unwilling) to save him. There is a touching last scene in which each crew member in turn kneels by Data on the toilet and says their goodbyes. When it gets to Picard's turn he begins a long and intellectually-challenging speech but unfortunately Data dies mid-way through. His last words are - "Now I finally know what it is to be human - I feel as if my long quest has finally been completed. I feel so happy that I could...urrpgh" and he is finally at rest.
The camera will silently linger on the dead robot at this point, slowly zooming out - this shot will continue until we find ourselves watching the Enterprise drift by, to the sad music of, I dunno, some Scottish folksong? - The Enterprise will then go to warp with the fanfare from the Motion Picture blaring away. Black Screen. Credits. More recycled Trek music. The End.
What do you think? Do I win a prize?
Posted on Mar 7, 1999, 12:26 PM from IP address 212.211.15.62