DnD, starring the -Slayer- of -God-, and his -Gear-!
by
> Zelda: We're here!!!
[EON makes techno music noises]
TBS <Cloud>: What kind of hospital is this?
> Dav: That ride totally sucked @$$!!! Someone one was
> squeezing my @$$!!!
EON <Dav>: And I can't seem to stop saying the word @$$! What a load of @$$!
TBS <Pilot>: Thank you for flying Arse-Bandit Airlines!
> Barret: Red farted in ma' face and I almost fell!!!
> Red XIII: Barret wouldn't stop singing!
SAMAS <Red>: And he refused to stop pitying foo's!
EON <random character>: Dav wouldn't stop kicking the back of
my seat!
SIG <random character>: The in-flight movie featured Pauly Shore!
TBS <random character>: The Dom Peringon was served at room
temperature! It was supposed to be *slightly chilled!*
> Vincent: Someone said my tarts sucked!!!!
T.OGRE: Nonono. We were saying that you 'tards suck.
> Tifa: They do, Vincent!!!
> Vincent: Only 2-cent whores think my tarts suck!!!
TBS <Vincent>: And their power levels are lower than mine!
SAMAS <Tifa>: Only angsty whiners with crappy tarts have higher power levels than me!
TBS <Vincent>: Shucks, you got me there.
> Tifa: Shut up! (does her chain of limit breaks on him)
EON: Break the chain of limit breaks... with NicoBrevin!™
> Vincent: Owwwwwwwwwww, m'kay?
R.JAK <Vincent>: Now, hitting people is bad, mmkay? Because when you hit people, you're bad. Mmkay?
> Aeris: Vegeta didn't squeeze my breasts!!!!
> Vegeta: Sorry...
R. JAK: He thought they were rubber ducks.
> Tifa: Cloud didn't squeeze mine either!!!!!
TBS <Barret>: He didn't squeeze mine either!
> Aeris: How could he!?!?!? They're silicon implants!
> They're hard as a rock!!
ALL <singing>: Hard as steel and still getting harder!
> Tifa: Shut up, Ancient b***h!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off, you two!!!!!!
> Aeris and Tifa: Sorry Cloud...
[ALL make whip-cracking noises]
> Cid: They didn't serve any goddamn tea or let me watch the
> Dukes!!!!!
> Goku: I thought it was a descent ride. Someone told me I
> was hot!!!!
R.JAK: Wow, they finally went to Hell.
SAMAS: About damn time.
> Zelda: Hee! Hee! Hee!
> Cloud: Hey look over there!!! (points to two huge robots)
T.OGRE: Yes, when all else fails in your fic, go for giant robots.
R.JAK: Please tell me they're not in Tokyo-3, please tell me
they're not in Tokyo-3...
> Link: What in tarnation are those!?!? They look scary!!!!!
> Cid: That's because your a big baby!!!!!
> Link: Shut up!!!!!! I'm a big boy!!!!!
> Red XIII: Oh did you finally outgrow diapers baby!?!? What
> are you in now training pants!?!?
EON <Link, singing>: Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!
> Link: Shut up!!!!!!!!
> (The crew walks over to the robots)
> Red XIII: Damn those things are huge!!!!!!
T.OGRE: Good one, Tiny R!
EON <marine>: That means they have huge guts! RIP AND TEAR!!
> Dav: Hey! Check it out! There's a refrigerator here!!!
SIG <Dav>: Oh crap, it's filled with Sunny D! Run!
> Vegeta: Let's steal all of the drinks and run!!!!
EON: That was Vegeta's plan throughout the whole of Dragonball Z, by the by.
> Goku: For once that's a good idea! I'm thirsty as a dried
> up ocean!!!
R.JAK: But then it wouldn't be an oc- aw, screw it!
> Cloud: I guess it's okay to steal a few drinks! After all,
> we DO have to survive out here while we look for the
> Spirit Temple.
> Link: We can't do it guys!!!
SIG: Ah. Link is the anti-Rob Schneider.
SAMAS <narrator>: That would not be wise, Avatar.
> Red XIII: Why not?
> Link: Stealing is wrong no matter what!!!!
T.OGRE <Vincent>: Stealing is bad, mmkay?
> Cid: Yeah, bringing you with us wasn't the best idea
> either but we did anyway!!!
> Vincent: Cid has a point there...
> Link: Without me, you wouldn't have known the location of
> the Gerudos' fortress so there!!!!
SIG <Levitt>: Cartesian co-ordinates! Why didn't I see that before?
> Cloud: Dav knew where it was right?
> Dav: Damn correct!!!!
> Link: Well...... I knew the EXCAT location of it!!!
R.JAK: That's good. That's great. Too bad he doesn't know the EXACT location of it.
SAMAS: EXCAT must be one of those new Satellite location systems.
TBS: EXCAT! Trained and honed by Professor X to protect those who fear them!
> Zelda: Hush Link! I feel a presence near by!!!!
EON <Cloud>: That would be us.
> Red XIII: Who cares? I'm thirsty!!!
> Cid: Yeah! (opens the refrigerator and takes out a can. He
> opens it and takes a sip)
> Cid: (spits the drink out) Ah crap! This s**t ain't
> tea!!!!
THIEF <over intercom>: Now with Meno, the pause that refreshes!
[EON covers his ears and whimpers like a scared rabbit.]
MMK <over intercom>: Huh, how'd you get him to do that?
THIEF <over intercom>: A little conditioning goes a long way!
[Mads. Don't. Riff!!]
> Cloud: It's called "Bartweiser"!!!!!!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: "Bartweiser" is beer you can get in
> Xenogears when you reach the city of Bledavik.
SAMAS: Home to the largest collection of lost socks known to man.
> They're
> holding a festival that's celebrating the 500th
> anniversery of the existence of their country, Aveh.
> There's a shop there where you can get some
> "Bartweiser"!!!!
SIG: There's something to be said for the target audience of this fic when he has to explain Xenogears references, but doesn't feel obliged to explain any of the other series he crossed over.
R.JAK: Yeah. And I know what that thing is. [takes a breath]
T.OGRE <covering R.JAK's mouth>: Don't worry, I think we can figure it out ourselves.
> Dav: (takes a whiff of it) Whoa!!! This crap smells like
> poop!
SAMAS: Wow. How profound.
TBS <lowering bottle>: He's right. What do they put in this stuff?
R. JAK: Lemme taste.
[He does so]
R. JAK: Holy crap! This is really bad beer! You guys have *got* to try this!
SAMAS: You ever hear of that experiment about the rats that shock themselves out of boredom?
T. OGRE: At this point, I'd throw myself off a cliff ro relieve the boredom.
> Red XIII: It should be renamed to "Fartweiser"!!!!! Now
> that's my kind of drink!!!!!
> (AVALANCHE hears a couple of mysterious voices)
SIG <Sudou>: The voices wouldn't let me off with just arson.
> Mysterious voice 1: Hey! Get your hands off our beer you
> damn d**ks!!!!!
TBS: Charleton Heston?
> Mysterious voice 2: Yeah! That's our beer and you have no
> right taking it!!!
> Barret: This s**t ain't beer!!! It tastes like pee foo's!!
> Cloud: Yeah, it tastes like Sephiroth's gin!!!
> Sephiroth: (appears out of nowhere) Only puppets don't
> like my gin!!!
TBS <Cloud>: Only people with lower power levels than me call people puppets!
TBS: Couldn't they just have kicked in in the nuts? It would've
done the same thing...
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: Read "FF7 Roadtrip!!!" by Cloud and Cait to
> find out about Sephiroth's gin.
T.OGRE: Okay! It'll be right before I shove a pistol into my mouth.
> Vegeta: Who are you and what's your business here!?!?!?!?
TBS <Guy 1>: Oh, murders and executions, mostly.
> Guy 1: We might ask you the same question!?!?!?!?!?
> Goku: We asked you first!!!!!!
> Guy 2: Fine, we'll tell you. We're here 'cause we're
> taking a pit stop but we can't seem to find a bathroom
> anywhere...
> Cloud: You guys better not have went in these cans or I'll
> kick your sorry @$$s across this gay desert!!!!!!!!
> Guy 2: No! Of course we didn't!!!!!!!! What do guys think
> we are sickos!?!?
> Guy 1: Hey Fei, should we tell them the "secret
> ingredient"?
TBS <Captain Murphy>: The secret ingredient... is love. Dammit.
> Fei (from Xenogears): Shut up, Bart!!!! They don't need to
> know the secret ingredient!!!!
> Vegeta: What secret ingredient!?!?!?!?
> Bart (from Xenogears): Ah, it's nothing... bad... anyway,
> but that's not important!!!!!!
> Cloud: Well, I guess you guys aren't hostile so lets get
> on with the introductions. I'm Cloud Strife and this is my
> hot, sexy, fun to pump wife Tifa Lockhart!!!!!
> Tifa: (playfully) Cloud!!!!!
> Dav: The name's Cole... Dav Cole!!!!!
TBS <Dav>: And I like to pump Tifa too! Really!
R.JAK <Aeris>: Hell, who hasn't? I know I have.
> Barret: The name's Barret Wallace, foo's!!!!
SAMAS <Jules>: What does Barret Wallace look like!?
> Cid: I want some tea!!!! I want some hash!!! I wanna watch
> the Dukes!!!!!!
T.OGRE: Cid: Acting out every dominant impulse of our generation.
> Cloud: We all want you shut up!!!!
> Fei: Who the hell is that!?!?!?
> Tifa: Oh that's Cid!
> Fei: What's his problem?
> Red XIII: He has hemorrhoids!!!!
TBS: Ding! That brings the total amount of offended groups in this fic to... 275!
SIG: So use a Remedy. Hey, problem solved.
> Cid: You disgusting crossbreed!! I don't have
> hemorrhoids!!!!!! (scratches his @$$)
> Vegeta: I'm Vegeta...
> Aeris: Or according to Cait's friend, Fejita! Oh by the
> way, I'm Aeris! I'm what we call an Ancient.
SAMAS <Bart>: Odd. Where we come from, we usually call 'em "women..."
> Tifa: (talking to herself) Yeah, an Ancient b***h...
> Aeris: Mind saying that to my face Double D!?!?!?!?!?
> Cloud: Both of you cut it out NOW!!!!!
> Tifa and Aeris: Sorry Cloud...
R. JAK <Cloud>: And I believe it'll be time for my sponge bath later.
SAMAS: I'm beginning to think Cloud got Dav's Aura of Smooth by
accident.
> Goku: I'm Goku.
> Zelda: (walks up beside Goku) I'm the Princess of Hyrule,
> Zelda.
> Link: And I'm her boyfriend!!!!!
> Zelda: I don't go out with fairy boys!!!!
> Dav: Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Link is gay!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!
> Vincent: Then why is there a fairy flying above your head?
> Link: He's my good luck fairy!
TBS: Goodness. Navi got a sex change.
SAMAS: Link, some advice: You can't say "I hang out with fairies" and preserve your masculinity.
> Navi: Yeah so shut up!!!!!
> Fei: Nice to meet you guys! My name is Fei Fong Wong.
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: Fei Fong Wong IS his name!!!
TBS: And nude ping pong IS his game!!!
> Link: Fei! Fei! Fei is gay!
> Fei: Shut up you little prick! (does his Yamikei combo on
> Link, it knocks out 11 hearts out of 12 off Link's life
> meter)
SAMAS: I haven't seen this much homophobia since the last Jack Chick tract.
> Link: Oh....poopy that....hurt....
> Bart: I'm Bartholomew Fatima, but people call me Bart.
T.OGRE: I bet he went to Our Lady of Fatima high school.
[SnotNote: Yeah, *that* wasn't clumsy. Go me!]
> Aeris: Hey Fei, what are those giant robots anyway?
T.OGRE: Evangelions.
EON: Wanzers.
R.JAK: Gundams.
SAMAS: Um... pass.
[T.OGRE, EON and R.JAK stare at SAMAS in confusion.]
SIG: ACs.
TBS: Well, that one on the left looks like like...
[TBS jumps out of his seat and throws a punch.]
TBS <Jin Saotome>: BLODIA!!
> Fei: They're called "Gears". It's one way we get around...
SAMAS <Cloud>: Gears are normally these little round things with teeth, guys...
SIG <Fei>: And we steer them with this wheel! We call it a 'fan belt!'
> Bart: And let's not forget they're also one way we
> fight!!!!
> Red XIII: Hey Bart, do you fart?
> Bart: Yeah, but only when I've drinken about 12
> "Bartweisers" in a day.
SIG: And thus, a beautiful relationship based on a solid foundation of flatulence was formed.
> (suddenly AVALANCHE, Vegeta, Link, Zelda, Goku, Fei and
> Bart hear another mysterious voice)
> Mysterious voice 3: I fart when I want to....
TBS <singing>: We can leave your friends behind! 'Cause your friends don't fart and if they don't fart, well they're no friends of mine!
> if I take
> over a body to do so!
> Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
EON: He's a very merry sort of evil, isn't he?
> Fei: Oh great! Not him!
> (The mysterious figure reveals himself as Grahf, a stupid
> s**tty worthless excuse for a bad guy @$$hole, also from
> Xenogears)
SIG: Good, I almost mistook him for someone who's a competent villain.
R.JAK: He's also supposed to be *dead*...
SIG: That didn't stop Sephiroth, did it?
> Vegeta: Who is that weird looking prick!?!?!?
> Goku: He looks worse than Frieza, for a cry in out
> loud!!!!!
> Cid: Damn! This is all too confusing! I'm gonna sit on
> this rock and drink some "Fartweiser".... I mean
> "Bartweiser"! (opens a can up and starts drinking)
> Red XIII: Yeah, let me join you!!!!! (grabs a can and
> opens it with his paw and starts drinking)
> Grahf:
> Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I
> need your power, Fei!!!!
> Link: Fei! Fei! Fei is gay!!!
> Fei: Don't make me beat the living s**t out of you
> again!!!!!!
> Cid: Damn! I want some Brisk but this s**t'll have to do!
> (opens another can of "Bartweiser" and starts drinking)
> Red XIII: Damn correct... (takes another sip from his can)
> Cloud: Shut up, Cid!!!!!
> Fei: I not gonna give my power to an @$$hole like you!!!!
> Grahf: Well, you have no choice!!
TBS <Optimus Prime>: But there are still people... *friends*... on Cybertron!
> Fei: We'll just see about that!!!!! (Fei climbs in his
> gear, Weltall, and grabs Grahf)
R.JAK: But Weltall was transformed into Xenogears...
T.OGRE: Just out of curiousity, are you using the endings as a reference? I mean, that guy [points to Grahf] is supposed to be dead at the end, right? So are Sephiroth and Aeris, so maybe all of this is taking place midway between the two stories, and... ow, my head...
TBS: Maybe it's like in Zor the Man's stories, where ten years
after Final Fantasy VII but before the epilogue of the first story
is two years before the end of Xenogears, but-
[SAMAS's eyes glaze over as he falls out of his seat.]
TBS: ...oops.
> Grahf: Hey!!! Put me down!!! Your gonna pay dearly for
> this!!!
> Fei: Alright!! This one's for the game! Kick the Grahf!!!
> Grahf: Don't kick the Grahf!!!!!
> Fei: KICK THE GRAHF!!!!! (kicks Grahf's gay @$$ across the
> desert)
SAMAS: On the other hand, this is more assertive than Fei ever got in the entirety of Xenogears.
> Cid: (opens a third can of "Bartweiser") Yeah! Yeah!
> Finally, some action!!!! This is almost as good as the
> Dukes!!!!!!!!
SIG: Now where's all those naturally occuring earth ramps?
> Bart: (climbs into his gear, Brigandier) And take your gay
> @$$ looking gear with you! (kicks Grahf's gear across the
> desert and it blows up on impact, causing a nuclear
> explosion)
ALL: Then, Gear explode.
> Zelda: Holy crap!!!!!
> Barret: Dat' was one helluva an explosion!!!!!
TBS <Barret>: That Bart can kick helluva far!
> Cloud: Hey Red, how come you can't make explosions like
> that when you fart?
> Red XIII: ........I'm not touching that with a 50 foot
> pole!!!!!
> Fei: Well we have to go now. It was nice meeting you all!
> Bart: Gimmie that! (take Cid's beer can away)
> Cid: I wasn't finished with that you @$$hole!!
> Bart: Too bad!!!!!!!!!
> Fei: We need to hurry, Bart. Elly's waiting for the dinner
> of a lifetime!!! (climbs back in his gear)
> Bart: On our way back let's stop at Taco Bell.
TBS <Bart>: We can pick up a few fejitas!
> Chihuahua: (appears out of nowhere) Yo' quiero taco
> bell!!!
> Red XIII: Talk like a dog you d**k!!!! (mauls the
> chihuahua to death)
SAMAS: I'm mailing that to Grudge Match.
> Goku: Bye! See you around!!!!!
> (Fei and Bart start their Gears up and fly away)
> Vincent: An odd pair I must say...
SIG: That doesn't stop the dojinshi artists.
> Zelda: Well then, now that's over, let's head for the
> Spirit Temple!!!!
> Cloud: Where is it? I don't see it anywhere.
> Link: It's right there! (points to the entrance)
> Vegeta: That's the Spirit Temple!?!?!?!?
> Barret: I've seen better houses in da' Midgar slums!!!!!
> Tifa: (smells the walls) And they smell better too!!!!!!!!
> Link: (sees a rattlesnake looking at him) Hey! Whatta
> lookin' at!?!?
> Snake: (slithers)
SAMAS <snake>: A man... wassssss once... a mannnnnn...
> Zelda: Who the hell are you talking too!?!?!?!?
> Link: That stupid snake that's staring at me!
> Cloud: It's just a snake! He'll leave you alone if you
> leave him alone!
> Link: Oh....alright!
> Snake: (sticks his tail up)
> Link: He flicked me off!!!!!
> Red XIII: Snakes can't flick people off, fairy boy!!!!
> Dav: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Link's gay!!!
> Link: I am not!!!!!
> Navi: Don't call Link gay, you meanie! (divebombs Dav)
> Dav: (holds his Atma Weapon straight up in the air and
> cuts Navi in half)
> Link: NAVI!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Dav: That takes of him!
R.JAK: I think this author is a translator for SNK.
> Barret: Dat' was coo' foo!
> Link: WAHHHHHHHH!! My only friend in the world is gone!
> WAAHHHHHHHH!!
TBS <Quinten>: Oh, poor Worth, nobody loves me... is that the chip on your shoulder?
> Goku: Ah c'mon kid, you don't really need a fairy to
> protect you.
> Link: (crying) Why not?
> Barret: 'Cause day're stupid, gay and they piss on ya'
> head!
> Link: Navi never did! He was poty trained!
> Goku: Face it kid, you can't potty train a fairy!
SIG: I'd like to know how Goku knows that.
> Dav: Then that means Link isn't potty trained!
> Link: Shut up! It's because of you, Navi's dead!
> Dav: Hey, s**t happens kid.
> Zelda: Dav's right, s**t DOES happen!
[Holy. FUCK. Hey R.Jak, this scene seem FAMILIAR? >_< -- Dragomorph]
EON: Have a nice day. Keep on trucking.
> Vegeta: Dammit! Your holding us up!!!!! Leave the snake
> alone and let's get going!!!
> Link: Oh....okay...
> Snake: (sticks his tail up again)
> Link: He did it again!!!!!!
SIG <Snake>: Well I can't *not* do it if I don't know what *it* is!
> Zelda: If you don't leave the snake alone, your gonna get
> a spanking!!!
> Link: That would hurt!!!!!!
EON <Link>: But somehow, I find it strangely exciting...
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Aeris: C'mon! I burning up here!!!!! Let's go inside the
> temple!!!!!
> Tifa: I gotta pee! I gotta pee! Aeris, come with me!
> Vincent:.............Okay....
> Tifa: I said Aeris!!!!!
> Vincent: Oh poopy....
> Goku: I hope you gals realize the only bushes around for a
> thousand miles are cactus plants!!!
> Cloud: Owwwwww!!!! That hurts just thinking about it!!!!
> Cid: (walking around in a drunken craze) Duuhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
> Two plus two is eighty-five!!!!
> Barret: Well looky here! The tea drinkin' faggit is
> drunk!!!!!!!!
> Cid: Duuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I'm crazy for beer!
> Vegeta: How could he be drunk!?!?!?!? He only had three
> cans!!!!
> Dav: It must have been the secret ingredient that Bart and
> Fei were talking about!!
> Vincent: (grabs an empty can) Holy crap! It says here
> "Secret Ingredeint is alcoholic pee water!!!!
EON <Vincent>: BARTWEISER IS MADE OF PEE WATER! IT'S PEE WATER...!
> Barret: I knew it!!!!!!!
> Cid: (runs around with his shirt above his head)
> Hahahahahaha!!!! I am the great Cornholio! I want TP for
> my bung hole!!!!!
> Red XIII: Come here you drunk b*****d or I'll vaporize you
> with my atomic fart!!!!
T.OGRE: Anyone want to take bets as to what percentage of this
'fic is composed of bathroom humor?
SIG: Put me down for fifty percent.
EON: Ehh... sixty.
SAMAS: Forty.
R.JAK: Seventy-five.
TBS: One percent.
[ALL turn to look at TBS.]
TBS: What? Haven't you ever seen "The Price is Right?"
> (starts to chase Cid)
> Cid: Are you threatening me!?!?!?
> Red XIII: YES I AM!!!!
> Cid: "Bartweiser!!!" Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!
> "Bartweiser!!!"
> Link: I'll take care of this!!!! (picks up a Deku Nut and
> throws it at Cid, hitting him in the head and knocking him
> unconscious)
[Over the intercom, ZEEK audibly twitches]
TBS: How does he *do* that?
> Cid: Ack!!!!!
> Link: I hit him! I hit him!
> Aeris: Calm down!
> Tifa: (approaching Cid) Cid's gonna have quite a hangover
> in the morning.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Tifa: Hey that's Cait's line!!!!
SIG <Cloud>: It's officially open source.
> Goku: Where should we put him so he can rest?
> Barret: How 'bout sending da' foo' on a one way trip to
> Cuba!!!!
> Dav: Nah, that's being too nice.
> Cloud: We'll leave him here for now. Right now, we have a
> mission to complete!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like getting my dragon balls back!!!!
> Tifa: Plus rescuing Cait...
> Red XIII: And let's not forget beating the living s**t
> outta Yuffie and her lesbo friends!!!!!
> Zelda: Okay then, follow me but stay close.
EON <Zelda>: But not too close, if you get my drift. In fact, anything closer than ten feet and I start breaking heads.