SAMAS: Hey, look, the introductory line to about a billion infomercials!
> Aeris: I know of something you can do!!!!!
SIG <Vegeta>: Can I destroy the world now? Huh, can I? Can I? Pleeese?
TBS <Aeris>: You can play with your pet crocoStimpy!
SIG <Vegeta>: Joy!
> Vegeta: Hell ya'!!!!! (they head for their bedroom)
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Time to level up my Pichu...
T.OGRE: I don't get that joke.
R.JAK: That's nice.
> Cloud: Oh great now I'm bored!
> Tifa: I know of something you can do!!!!!
EON <Tifa>: Exhaust the world's supply of exclamation points for the next thirty years!!!!! Fuck you, future generations!!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!!!
> Cloud: Hell ya'! (they also head for their bedroom)
SIG <Cloud>: You brought the paper for our origami lessons, right?
EON <Tifa>: Remember not to bite so hard this time when you fold the paper with your teeth.
> Barret: I'm bored also!!!!
EON <Cid>: I know of something you can do!!!!!
TBS <Barret>: I ain't never gonna be that bored, foo'!
> Cid: Don't start that s**t again!!!!
TBS <Link>: But I'm a chimney sweep! It's what I *do!*
EON: He doesn't mean soot, Snot.
TBS: Oh, okay. <switches to Link voice>: But I've got a cold! It's what my nose does!
> Barret: Get away from me you queer!!!!!
> Link: Not that you jack@$$!
SAMAS: Oh, thank god.
T.OGRE: I dunno. That DID have some humor quotient in it.
> I was gonna say you can clean
> the deck with Cid's mop!!!
SIG: ... Which he BROKE two chapters ago.
SAMAS <Link>: Do it with your tongue then!
> Cid: Now there's a good idea!!!!!
SAMAS: And now, the *middle* of a billion different infomercials!
> Barret: I won't do it foo's!!!! You can't make me!!!!
EON <Barret>: I don't do housework, foo'.
R.JAK <Barret>: 'Sides, I can't equip Cid's weapons. I can scour the rust out with my Missing Score tho.
> Cid: (smashes Barret over the head with his Mop) Too
> bad!!!! Now clean the damn deck!!!!!
SAMAS <Barrett>: Where's Dante Aligheri when you need him?
> Barret: Damn! (looks over at Link) Your gonna die,
> foo'!!!!!
SIG <ominous>: All people live... not everyone truly dies.
> Link: (snickering) While your at that, my room could use a
> good cleaning also!!!!!!
EON: How to own your own issues by delegating responsibilty, now with FF7 characters!
> Barret: (thinking to himself) God only knows what's in
> there!
T.OGRE: He's only been on the ship for five friggin' minutes...
SIG: Maybe he brought a lot of luggage for a three hour tour like the Howells did.
EON: That's a thought.
> Cid: Yeah, Barret, clean all of the rooms also!!
> Barret: Okay I'll clean the rooms!!!! (leaves the room)
> But I'll leave a surprise in there...
TBS <Barret>: A MINT on your pillow! BWAHAHAHAHA!
> Link: What an idiot!!! He believed us!
SIG: Believed you regarding what, precisely?
> Cid: And you are gonna help him!!!!
> Link: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
EON <Cid>: Gonna clean the decks!
TBS, SIG <crowd>: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
EON <Cid>: Mop the floors!
TBS, SIG <crowd>: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
EON <Cid>: Tote the barge!
TBS, SIG <crowd>: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
EON <Cid>: Lift the bale!
TBS, SIG <crowd>: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
EON <Cid>: I said lift the bale!
TBS, SIG <crowd>: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
SAMAS: ... I feel dizzy.
> Cid: That's right!!!!
R.JAK <Cid>: ...Meowth.
> Now grab a bucket and a sponge and go help Barret!!!
EON <Barret>: Oh no, that little elf kid is coming at me with a sponge and a bucket! Curse my damned sexy body!
> Link: Goddammit!!!!!!!! (grabs a bucket and sponge and follows Barret)
SIG <Link>: GODDAMMIT! I'LL DO IT!
TBS <Tom Waits as told by Henry Rollins>: Aw, no, you handled that *all* wrong.
> Suddenly, they hear a loud crash...
T.OGRE: It's Mankind!
ALL: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
> Dav: What the hell was that?
SAMAS <Cid>: I don't know WHAT the hell that was!
EON <Dav>: Well, better get a photo of me with it!
T.OGRE <Red>: Hey you kids! Get away from that thing! Don't put your lips on it!
SIG <Zor>: Lets go see.
> Red XIII: I sounded like it came from the other room...
TBS: When I think of great horror film titles, I think of It Came from the Other Room.
R.JAK: That's nice.
> Cid: Well don't just stand there, go see what the hell it
> is!!!!!
TBS <Saliveri>: And *five* exclamation marks? The man's obviously a nutter.
> Dav: (thinking to himself) What an @$$hole!!!!!!! (turns
> to Red) How can you guys stand living with him?
SAMAS <Red XIII>: It's not so bad, at least since we installed his V-chip.
TBS <Red XIII>: I'm into birdwatching.
> Red XIII: You'll get a used to it, trust me. We all had too!!!!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: And he owns the Highwind too, so that puts a cramp into the relationship...
> Dav: Yeah I guess your right!!!! (they walk through the
> hallway)
T.OGRE: Really, why is everyone yelling so loudly? I mean, is everybody deaf or what?
SIG: Well...airships tend to be noisy...
(R.JAK just lets his eye twitch)
SIG: Or maybe it's a psychological effect...
TBS: Or maybe their supply of exclamations marks was going bad.
EON <Tifa>: Fuck you, future generations!!!!!
> Red XIII: (approaches Cloud and Tifa's room)
T.OGRE: Where demons fear to tread...
KRINN <Over intercom>: Not me!
> Red XIII: Hey Dav, come here quick!
> Dav: What is it?
R. JAK <Ned>: Mrs. Tannenbaum's taking off her bra... and her breasts are bigger than I ever imagined!
> Red XIII: Listen, you can hear Tifa's moaning and
> groaning!!!!!
SIG: Point being?
EON <Tifa>: No one appreciates me, I'm so tired of getting air sick, my back hurts...
TBS <Cloud>: Have you tried backpacking?
EON <Tifa>: How could that possibly help?
TBS: Yay! A person moaning loud! Fun!
> Dav: Hell ya'!
TBS <Dav>: Peeping is fun, kids!
> Voice: Uh excuse me?
TBS <Dav>: Er, Mom!? I swear I didn't hear anything! You can't prove it! I plead the fifth!
> Red XIII: AHHHHHH!!!
SIG: The pause that refreshes!
> Dav: (turns around) Wh...wh..who are you?
R.JAK: Would the next mystery crossover guest please sign in?
> Voice: My name is Goku. I came here because I heard Vegeta
> was here.
EON <Dav>: I'm Dav Cole. I'm here because I've got self esteem issues.
T.OGRE <Nitz>: My name is Nitz. That's not really my name, it's a nickname. I don't remember how I got it. Yep.
> Red XIII: Vegeta's in there but I wouldn't go in there if
> I were you.
TBS: Hey wait, I thought it was Tifa and Cloud in there?
> Goku: Ah c'mon it can't be THAT bad!
T.OGRE: Yes. It. Can.
> Dav: No wait don't... (Goku walks into Vegeta and Aeris'
> room)
> Goku: Hey, Vegeta, are you in... AHHHHHHHHHH!
TBS <Goku>: You're both doing it all wrong! The plug should go to the 110 volts socket, not the 220 volts one!
EON: It took over three hours to wipe the smile off his face...
[I still most likely misquoted Top Secret. Help? -Sig]
> Vegeta: Goddammit, Kakaraught!!!! You could have at least
> knocked before you came in!!!!!!!
> Aeris: Wait a minute, you didn't lock the door!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: So let me get this straight: Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris are all having sex in the same room?
EON: Looks like it.
R.JAK: ...and they left the door unlocked.
SIG: Yup.
R.JAK: ...and they're all having sex in the SAME ROOM...
TBS: You seem awfully hung up on that.
R.JAK: And they LEFT the DOOR unlocked...
T.OGRE: Technically, Goku walked into a seperate room as indicated by the author's use of the phrase "Vegeta and Areris' [sic] room." Most Dav and Dyne scholars agree that this is a turning point in the plot, symbolising as it does the essential, quintessential self-imposed loneliness of the two pairs of lovers. The reader is left to imagine just what *might* have been, if only they could have brought themselves to communicate.
R.JAK: SEX. in the SAME. ROOM.
T.OGRE: I can see you aren't really into this discussion very much.
> Vegeta: Sorry...
> Aeris: Hey s**t happens!!!!
T.OGRE: Aw...so nice of her...
SIG: I think Cid may be more of a big influence to the rest of the cast than they realize.
SAMAS: You think?
EON: Hey... why haven't Cloud and Tifa said anything yet?
TBS: Maybe they haven't noticed?
> Goku: I may be a super Saiyan but I DO have weaknesses you
> know!!!!!
TBS: So Sayains are weak against sex?
T.OGRE: Kinda like how Chichi bosses Goku around...
EON: Three thousand Dragonball lemons say otherwise!
> Vegeta: Ah what do you want!?!?!?!?
> Goku: King Kai sent me here to help you guys retrieve the
> dragon balls.
SAMAS <King Kai>: Fetch!
TBS <Aeris>: We're managing just fine, thanks.
[T. OGRE thinks for a bit, then back-hands him on general principle.]
> Red XIII: It's not like it's gonna be hard or
> anything!!!!!!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: Really, we're *only* looking for seven softball-sized objects scattered across the world! How hard could *that* be?
> Dav: Well we should tell the rest of the crew about our
> visitor...
> Goku: Sorry for dropping in like this but the door on the
> deck was locked!
SIG <Red XII>: If that is so, then how did you get in the ship? Through the window?
T.OGRE <Goku>: No, through that hole on the side.
SAMAS <Cid>: I was wondering about that draft...
> Red XIII: Locked!?!? Barret knows better than to lock the
> deck door!!!!
> Goku/Dav: Why?
> Red XIII: (farts) Does that answer your question?
R.JAK: Was the question surrounded around intestinal bloating?
> Dav: Ah! Christ! Did something crawl up your @$$ and
> die!?!?!?
TBS [Red XIII]: Actually, yes.
> Red XIII: Not to my knowledge.. (farts again) Ah! That's
> better!
> Goku: Now that's what I call chemical warfare!!
EON <Goku>: Not as bad as Bulma's cooking, but hey...
TBS: It would make for a strange Limit Break, though.
[You couldn't have... -Alair]
> A few minutes later on the Highwind...
>
> Goku: And that's what King Kai told me.
R. JAK: And what does King Gai know about the Highwind?
> Cloud: Well if Goku's right getting the dragon balls back
> won't be as easy as we previously thought.
> Barret: (with an apron on) So, whatta are we gonna do now
> foo'?
> Link: (also has an apron on) Yeah, those thieves being
> lesbos gives me the willy gillies!
SAMAS <Link, childish>: ...and they probably have cooties!
TBS: Willy Gillies. He's a blues musician, right?
R.JAK: Is it just me or anyone else notice the distinct distaste for homosexuality in this 'fic?
T.OGRE: ...no, *really*?
R.JAK: Okay, so maybe it's well established by now, but *nonetheless*--
SIG: Hey, what's wrong with lesbian thieves?
[EON and T.OGRE exchange looks.]
R.JAK: I have nothing wrong with lesbians either. Just saying...
> Cid: Hey look on the bright side! They could be bi!!!
SIG, SAMAS: AMEN!
> Everyone: SHUT UP, CID!!!!!
> Red XIII: Barret! Why did you lock the deck door?
> Link: Oh I'm sorry, that was me who did that.
R.JAK <Link>: There was this weird-ass guy flying towards the ship, so I figured I'd lock him out of... oh. Hi there.
SAMAS <Goku>: Hey there, guy!
> Cloud: You locked the deck door!?!?!? You idiot!!!
> Link: What's so bad about that?
SAMAS <Cid>: Occupational Safety and Health will have my freaking head!
R. JAK <Ten Thousand Lawyers>: Hello there!
> Cid: Show him Red!
[TBS holds up a red square.]
TBS <Alex Trebek>: Name this colour.
> Red XIII: Damn right I will!! (lets a big, sloppy, wet
> fart out on Link)
> Link: AHHHH!!! The smell! The smell! The horrible smell!!
R.JAK <Kurtz>: The horror...the horror...
> Dav: Anyway, like I said before these aren't your normal
> thieves.
T.OGRE: They have kungfu grip!
> Goku: Dav's right. They can manipulate us and make us have
> do their evil for them!
T.OGRE <Leb>: They'll use mind control. So there.
EON: Don't you mean INRCEDIBUL LEZBO MIND CONTROL POWURZ?
> Tifa: That doesn't sound good!
> Aeris: I'm scared now!
> Vegeta: Thanks a lot, Kakaraught!!!!
> Link: Hey that rhymed!!!
R.JAK: ...
TBS <Lame Bus>: *beep beep*
> Cloud: No s**t Shelock!!
TBS: It's No S**t Shelock! The fastest gun in the Oooooooool West!
> Vincent: Isn't that Cait Sith's line?
> Cloud: Well, since he's not here I'm using it for right
> now.
R.JAK: Just like how Thomas Edison isn't here right now, so I can use his patent for the electric light.
SAMAS: That patent expired ages ago.
R.JAK: Damn him and his crafty ways!
> Pilot: Sir! We've reached Midgar!!!
> Cid: MIDGAR!?!?!? We are supposed to be at Corel
> Desert!!!!!!!
SAMAS <Cid>: You couldn't have just pulled over and asked for directions, could you? "Trust me, I know how to get there," you said...
> Pilot: I was just kiddin'! Yes we've reached Corel
> Desert!!!
SIG: Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. In case you may forget who these morons are supposed to be.
SAMAS: An easy mistake to make.
[R.JAK sniffles.]
> Cid: Land the ship!
> (Highwind lands near Gerudo's Fortress.)
> Cloud: (looks down) Ah s**t!!!!
> Red XIII: What's wrong Cloud?
TBS <Cloud>: *That*'s what I forgot today! *Pants*!
> Cloud: We landed in quicksand!!!!
EON <singing>: I lost my self-confidence... in the quicksaaaand...
> Cid: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
T.OGRE: All of you shut up.
[A beat.]
TBS, SIG, EON <crowd>: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
T.OGRE: I hate all of you.
> Cloud: Your pilot landed us in quicksand!!!
> Barret: I pity da' foo' who lands us in quicksand!!!!!!
T.OGRE <Barret>: An' I pity da foo' who don' use 1-800-COLLECT!!
> Pilot: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Fools! Don't you
> realize who I am?
R.JAK: It's Fritz Fraundorf and he's pissed!
TBS: [gasps] SEPHIORTH?!?
EON <Pilot>: My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID! KID ROCK!
> Dav: What? A gay demented retard that can't fly worth
> s**t?
R.JAK <Dav>: Who is GAY, might I add? GAY GAY GAY GAY?
> Pilot: Besides that!!!!
> Link: A mean person?
> Pilot: Besides that!!!
T.OGRE <Cid>: Another miserable failed attempt at suspense?
SAMAS <Pilot>: *Besides* that!
> Red XIII: Just tell us before I maul your sorry @$$ to
> death!!!
> Pilot: (unmasks himself) It is I!!!!
T.OGRE: Takuma Sakazaki?
> Everyone: SEPHIROTH!?!?!?!?!?
> Sephiroth: Yes, it is I, the Great Sephiroth!!
[A loud *ding* is heard from somewhere in the theater.]
TBS: Yeah! Who's da man! Who's da man!
R.JAK: Didn't anybody notice the hair, or the voice, or the fact that he had a large black cloak and A SEVEN-FOOT LONG SWORD?
EON [Karn]: Look at him! He's so cool, he's *got* to join the party!
TBS: No way, no party members cooler than the main character! It's a rule! End of story!
> Cid: Your not great, your a pansy!
SAMAS: I always thought of Sephy as more of a daffodil person myself...
> Sephiroth: So what if I am? What are you gonna do about
> it?
SIG: Cry?
[*ding!*]
TBS: Hey! That was my cue!
SIG: Um... Sorry?
> Cloud: We're gonna kick your sorry @$$ again!!!!
> Sephiroth: Too late!!! Your gonna die in the quicksand!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
> (disappears)
TBS: Ninja...
T.OGRE: You already did that one.
TBS: Crud.
[A pause.]
TBS: What about if I said he got kicked in the nuts?
T.OGRE: I *suspect* you may have already done that one as well.
TBS: Damn!
> Goku: Whatta jack@$$!!!!
> Dav: You said it!!!!!!!
> Vincent: So how our we gonna get to the Gerudo Fortress if
> we're surrounded by quicksand!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: You're on an airship. Airships *fly*...
T.OGRE: But the airship's in the SAND.
R. JAK: Yes, that...DON'T CONTRADICT ME!
> Cloud: Something called a Gold Chocobo!!!!
SAMAS [Cloud]: Just give me fifty hours to breed one of the bastards.
> Vincent: Do we have any aboard?
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) No Vincent, we have horses
> aboard and they're gonna be able to cross the quicksand!!!
TBS <Cid, incredulous>: We have horses?!?... What are horses, anyway?
SIG: See, didn't I tell you? Kingdom Hearts.
SAMAS: Yeah, yeah, now shut up before Squall shows up.
TBS: At this rate, he probably will, along with Zidane and Tidus.
> Link: I have a horse!!!!
> Vegeta: That's nice...
> Goku: Well, Vegeta and I can fly and we'll be more then
> happy to carry the dog for you!!
> Red XIII: I'm not a dog!!! I'm a crossbreed!
SAMAS: I would imagine the family reunions would get ugly rather quickly...
R.JAK: What with all the butt sniffing.
> Goku: Dog, crossbreed, same thing!
> Link: I have two pairs of Hover Boots so one of you guys
> can use a pair.
> Barret: Cid will use one!
> Cid: Why me!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause you suck and ya' a foo'!
R. JAK: Which is why he gets the easy way out.
SAMAS: Yeah.
> This really sucks!!!!!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta, carry me!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah baby!
> Goku: I guess I'll have to carry the crossbreed!
SIG: Was Goku really this insulting when in character? I mean, I can see Vegeta saying things like that, but Goku?...
EON: What do you mean "in character"? Nobody's "in character" in this fic since the title.
R.JAK: It depends on who's writing.
T.OGRE: Whose side are you on anyway?
> Red XIII: The name's Red XIII!
SAMAS [Red XIII]: And I'm the meanest cat on the scene! Word!
> Cloud: Okay then! There are three Gold Chocobos and the
> Buggy.
SIG: But didn't they say that there wasn't any--
TBS: Ssshhh!
> Vincent: I have the buggy...
> Dav: You sure?
> Vincent: Yeah, I have a bad case of Chocobo sickness!
> Barret: Just like Yuffie!!!!
T.OGRE: Is that like "morning sickness"?
EON <Barret>: I'm sure Cid wouldn't mind riding Yuffie's Chocobo...
> Vincent: Shut up!
> Tifa: I guess I'll go with him!
SIG: Or you could go with Demi Moore.
[A loud DING! is heard.]
SIG: That thing broken or something?
> Cloud: NO!!!! You can ride on the back of mine!
> Tifa: Okay!!!
TBS: And Tifa tosses a red cap and poses.
T.OGRE: She sure changed her mind quickly.
R.JAK <Dav>: Being consistant with what you've already written is GAY! GAY GAY GAY!
> Cloud: All right crew, let's move out!!!!!!!
>
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you
> say "let's get those b***hs and get our stuff back?"
> Cloud: How 'bout "GO TO HELL, CID!"
> Cid: That would also work!!
T.OGRE <Shelley>: Congratulations. I now hate everyone and everything.
TBS <Lame Bus>: *beep beep*
> They depart from the half-sunken Highwind.
SIG: Leaving their best mode of transportation just like that, huh?
TBS: They'll just leave for a couple of screens, then when they come back, it'll be as good as new.
> Cid: S**t! I can't control these things! I feel like I'm
> gonna fall!!!
> Link: Just go with the flow and you'll be fine!
EON <singing>: In the rain or in the snow, got the got the funky flow...
> Cid: Easy for you to say!!!! Wahh! Damn! That was close!!!
SAMAS: What was?
SIG: The world will never know.
> On the chocobos...
T.OGRE: The horrid, STINKY chocobos.
R.JAK: Which are GAY?
T.OGRE: I believe so.
EON: I think I liked you two better when you were being the *intelligent* kind of condescending.
R.JAK <Thom Yorke>: Sod off.
> Dav: Damn! This guy reminds me of my Gold Chocobo back
> home!
> Barret: Really!?
> Cloud: You have a Gold Chocobo of your own!?
> Dav: Yeah, her name is Jessika. Her top speed is about
> 165-175 kph!
SIG <Cloud>: Damn, now that's one sweet ride...
T.OGRE <Dav>: She also has cup holders and a sweet AM/FM radio.
> Cloud: Pretty fast chocobo!
> Barret: I pity da' foo' who has a faster chocobo then me!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: Don't make do what I did to Ash to you
> guys!
SAMAS <Author>: I'll cut off your hands with a chainsaw!
T.OGRE: No, Ash did that himself.
SAMAS <Author>: Oh. Nevermind.
> Barret: Sorry 'bout that foo'.
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem...
SIG: Go on, people! Peek behind that curtain! Find out what the wizard really is!
> In the air...
ALL <singing>: Over here...over there...
> Red XIII: Please don't drop me! Please don't drop me! I
> can't stand heights!!!!
SAMAS: Heights aren't the problem, only the sudden stop at the end.
> Goku: Close your eyes and don't look down. Believe me, it
> helps.
R.JAK: Then how can he see where he's going?
SIG: Sonar.
R.JAK: Right.
TBS: The idea of Goku flying around with his eyes closed and emitting high-pitched barks to navigate is a fairly amusing one.
> Aeris: I'm in the mood for a song!
> Vegeta: I know the perfect one!
EON <singing>: When, exactly, did we become white trash? How come we got seven dogs living in the garage? How come the only eight-track in our car is Johnny Cash? When, exactly, did we become white trash!
> Hey Kakaraught! Lead us in a song!
TBS <Danny>: *Lead* us, Danny.
> Goku: Okay but I have to warn you my singing isn't the
> best!
> Red XIII: Can't be worse then Barret's!!!
> Barret: (voice echoing through the wind) I he-a-rd- t-ha-t
> f-oo'!
R.JAK: But Barret does a nice Luther Vandross!
[A beat.]
SAMAS: ...L?
SIG: Nope.
> Aeris: What the hell was that?
> Vegeta: Probably just an owl my dear!
> Goku: Okay, here I go! ( starts singing to the theme of
> "Fly Away") I wanna fly!
(ALL go wide-eyed.)
SIG: Help me...it's a MUSICAL!
EON <Goku>: Fuck you, EVERYBODY!!!!!
> Like a dragon fly! While eatin' an apple pie!
> Vegeta: (starts singing along) Then I poke you in the eye!
[EON's eyebrows twitch.]
TBS <Stephanie>: Take it, Chavo!
> Goku: (continues singing) And I start to cry! All over my
> apple pie! Then I throw it at King Kai!
SIG <Stephanie>: Take it, Raven!
> King Kai: (starts singing out of nowhere) Then I beat you
> with a fry!!
[EON's arms begin to twitch slightly.]
> Red XIII: (not singing) What the hell was that!?!?
> Goku and Vegeta: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away!
> Yeah yeah yeah! I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah
> yeah yeah!
SIG <Stephanie>: JUSTIN!
> Aeris: (joins in the singing)I wanna throw Double D in
> grass! That's covered in gas! So I can burn her @$$!
[R.JAK whimpers. EON's twitching reaches his head.]
T.OGRE: Someone please start putting me out of my misery.
> Red XIII: (starts singing) That won't last!
> Aeris: It will be fast! When those piles of mass! Burn in
> flammable gas!
[EON's twitching has now spread across his entire body, giving the impression of a man about to explode.]
SAMAS: Uh, Eon--
EON <standing up, screaming at screen>: For FUCK'S SAKES! At least TRY, a LITTLE BIT, to ADHERE TO THE LENGTH OF EACH LINE!
SAMAS: Uh--
EON <still screaming at screen>: It's a *LENNY KRAVITZ* SONG! JESUS *CHRIST*! WE AREN'T EVEN *PRETENDING* TO WORK WITH A DIFFICULT SONG HERE!
[A tiny crane lowers a syringe of unidentified fluid down to TBS. TBS takes the syringe and nods in resignation.]
> Tifa: (voice echoing through the wind) They're silicon
> implants!
EON <now waving his hands around in exasperated rage>: I MEAN, *LENNY KRAVITZ*? OF *ALL* THE FUCKING POSSIBLE CHOICES OF MUSIC FROM THE PAST TEN YEARS *ALONE*, THE AUTHOR FEELS THAT THE ONLY WAY HE CAN EXPRESS HIMSELF IS THROUGH THE WORKS OF *LENNY KRAVITZ*? *WHAT KIND OF FUCKING WORLD--
[TBS stealthfully pokes the syringe into EON's neck and injects the unidentified fluid into his body. EON's eyes roll into the back of his head and he collapses, unconscious.]
SIG: *Dude*!
TBS: It had to be done.
> Aeris and Red: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah
> yeah yeah! I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah
> yeah! (songs done)
(Silence.)
SIG: I want a hug. But back off, Snot.
> Goku: Great singing guys!
> Aeris: Thank you Kakaraught!
> Goku: Only Vegeta is supposed to call me that!
TBS <Goku>: It's my pet name that should be only used by those nearest and dearest to me.
THIEF <over intercom>: I like you.
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Oh goody, I feel special now!
SIG: SayaGin! Only $2.99 on aisle four!
> In the buggy...
[EON slowly stirs and crawls back into his seat.]
EON <hazily>: Urghl.
> Vincent: (listening to rap music)
SIG <Vincent, deadpan>: I am a thug. Word.
TBS <MC Stephen Hawking, signing>: You down with Entropy?
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: That traitor!!!!!!!!
R.JAK: Great, not only is the author a homophobe, but he's apparently racist as well.
T.OGRE: But Barret talked like that in the game!
> Vincent: (not paying attention) I miss my Yuffie! I miss
> all the good times we.....AHHHHH!! (crashes into a bolder
> and the buggy sinks into the quicksand)
> Vincent: Ah nuts! Now I'm gonna have to transform into
> Chaos and fly to the fortress on an empty stomach! (begins
> to fly toward the fortress)
R.JAK <snorting>: And HE gets all the girls.
> At Gerudo's Fortress, Yuffie has finally summoned the
> dragon after three hours of "fun" with a friend of hers!
TBS: They played Monopoly all night and then watched old episodes of S Club 7 in Hollywood?
T.OGRE: No.
TBS: Oh, then I guess they must've had lesbian sex then.
T.OGRE: That about sums it- hey!
TBS <Cal>: We just play a game I like to call 'unprotected sex'!
T.OGRE: Oh, shut up.
> Nabooru: Mr. Dragon, we would like to wish our old leader,
> Ganondorf, back. Cloud you grant this wish?
TBS: <gasps, horrorstruck> Cloud is a genie?!
R.JAK: No, I think he meant--
TBS: One of those things that lets you wish for whatever you want?!
EON: Actually--
TBS: <slightly irked> And they never saw fit to alert us of this fact?!
SIG: Um, y'know--
TBS: <angrily> Damn you, Squaresoft! Damn you to hell! This horrible lie has gone on long enough! It's not fair! WHY, SQUARESOFT, WHY?!
T.OGRE: Why does it matter what--
[TBS jumps up to a standing position on his chair, waving one clenched fist in protest of this great injustice.]
TBS: BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE GRANTED MY ONE, TRUE, FF7-RELATED WISH AT ANY TIME!!!
SAMAS: No, he couldn't. It was just a typo.
[TBS calmly sits down.]
TBS: Oh. Sorry 'bout that.
[A long pause.]
EON: ...which FF7-related wish would this be?
[Silence.]
> Dragon: Your wish is my command!
> (They hear horse noises outside. They all run outside to
> see
R.JAK <narrator>: ...a man made out of fejitas.
SAMAS <Dragon>: Ha HA! *Gotcha*! *Oh* that cracks me up. Ha ha ha ha! Ohhh. Whoo!
> Ganondorf approaching the fortress)
> Ganondorf: I'm back and with a vengeance!
SIG: Part three!
> (getting ready to jump the gate)
> Thief 2: It's Ganondorf!!!!!!
> Ganondorf: Here I com.....Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (his horse
> trips over the gate. Ganondorf falls to the ground and his
> horse crushes him to death, again)
EON: While we're on this subject... why is Ganondorf a leader of lesbian thieves with mind control powers?
TBS: They find him non-threatening.
EON: Fair enough.
> Thief 3: Ganondorf died again!
> Nabooru: Oh well, I didn't like or trust him anyway.
T.OGRE <Nabooru>: Which makes the plan we had to resurrect him rather than wish for something else look *all the more brilliant*!
R.JAK <Dav>: Yeah. He was, like, gay.
> Thief 4: So, who's gonna be our rebel leader?
> (They all turn toward Cait Sith)
EON <Ken Titus>: Do you know where I can get a Korean boy?
SIG <Christopher Titus>: DAD!
> Cait Sith: Oh no! You guys are out of your minds!
TBS [Thief 2]: We will be once we use your body to manufacture adrenochrome.
> Yuffie: If you don't wanna be auctioned off, you must lead
> the rebellion!!
SAMAS: This is the circular argument at its most... I was going to say "non-linear", but that doesn't really work.
SIG: You've confused me.
SAMAS: I've confused *myself*.
> Cait Sith: Just you wait until Cloud comes! He'll teach
> you 100 things or two about messing with me!
R.JAK <commercial spokesman>: As you can see, the I.Q. of our heroes as manipulated by today's author is at an all-time low. Characterization, basic rules of grammar, and even simple math skills have left most of the roaming packs commonly known as 'fandoms.' Here we have a prime example: a 'crossover author,' as his species has been named.
TBS <'Cloud'>: Duh. Uh. Har. Sex is good. Final Fantasy gooood. DBZ gooood explosions go bang!!!! Fart tequila man funny har har!!!!! @$$???
R.JAK <commercial spokesman>: Now, 'Cloud.' Can you tell me what <slowly> twwwooo pluusss twwwooo is?
TBS <'Cloud'>: ...Uh. Uh. Uh. You F***g b****d. Two plus two is eighty-five!!!!!!!!
R.JAK <commercial spokesman>: No, I'm sorry. That's incorrect. <to the audience> What does this have to do with you? Simply, you can donate money to our 'Educate the Authors Fund.'
[R.JAK holds up a popcorn bucket with the word 'fund' scribbled on it with a black sharpie.]
R.JAK <commercial spokesman>: Even five dollars could change the life of some poor author out there without an education. We can give him a home, a life, and a basic education. See?
TBS <'Cloud'>: Two plus two is four!
R.JAK <commercial spokesman>: Good boy! Have a biscuit. So, donate money today. Remember, you're the one who suffers the consequences of bad writing.
[He bows as the others politely applaud. TBS munches on his doggy biscuit.]
SAMAS <dryly>: ...is there a branch for MiSTers?
[*KA-BOOM, yo!*]
{ [SNOTNOTE: From OUT OF NOWHERE!]
[Knight Note: "Bang", as it were. ^^] }
MMK <over intercom>: Okay, new rule. You break the Fourth Wall, the Fourth Wall breaks you. Kao, pull that lever, huh?
[The FOURTH WALL falls on our heroes with a thud, then springs back up into place. ALL hold their heads woozily for a second.]
KAO <over intercom>: That was COOL!
MMK <over intercom>: I love this theater.
[Lazy, month of sleep deprivation. Can't finish scene. MMK's retaliation would be...? --Mazoku]
[SnotNote: Good enough?]
[Knight Note: o/~ That'll do, pig... that'll do. ~/o ^^]
> Nabooru: Shut your trap, cat or I'll shut it for you!!!!
> Cait Sith: (sarcastically) Oh I'm really scared! I gonna
> get my @$$ kicked by a whore! Oh the humanity!
T.OGRE: She's a better character than him, right?
> Nabooru: Your testing my patience, cat!
> Cait Sith: Well in that case you get a "F"!!!!
TBS <Lame Bus>: *beep beep*
> Nabooru: Guards! Seize that cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh crap! I better run like hell!
> (Guards catch him in seconds)
> All right people, we're heading for the Spirit Temple! Let's move out!
> Yuffie: Hey that's Cid's line!
> Nabooru: WHO!?
TBS, SIG, EON <crowd>: WHAT?
> Yuffie: An ex-friend and lover of mine!
EON: The question is, are they lovers or are they friends?
T.OGRE: Shut up.
> Nabooru: Oooooooooookay, well anyway lets go!
> (The group of thieves head for the Spirit Temple as
> AVALANCHE, Goku, Vegeta and Link arrive at the fortress)
R.JAK: So, if the thieves are heading west at 30 miles per hour at the same time that AVALANCHE moves east at 40 miles per hour...
[TBS watches R.JAK intently, who gives him an odd look.]
R.JAK: And, uh... etcetra.
TBS: Pfft.
> Cid: Just great! It's deserted!!!
> Tifa: (notices Vincent without the buggy) Hey Vincent!
> Where's the buggy?
> Vincent: The boogy man took it....
TBS <Cait's Friend>: Boogy man!
> Tifa: Okay............
SIG: It was then that Tifa resolved to make sure Vincent got some serious counselling.
> Barret: Ooga booga foo'!
SAMAS: Barret as neanderthal, or more so anyway.
R.JAK: The following scene will be spoken entirely in pictures.
> Cloud: I wonder where they went... (he hears a voice)
EON <singing>: I hear that voice again!
> Sheik: (appears out of nowhere) They went to the Spirit
> Temple, across the haunted desert.
> Dav: Who are you?
SIG <Kaufmann>: My name is Dr. Kaufmann. I work at this hospital.
> Sheik: My name is Sheik!
> Link: Dammit Zelda! I know it's you so don't fart around!
TBS <Sheik>: Like the royals, I don't.
> Cid: That's Red's job!!!
> Red XIII: And a good one at that!!!!
> Zelda: (dripping with sarcasm) Okay okay I guess I can't
> fool you Link.
> Dav: Holy crap! She's beautiful!
EON <Dav>: Yet another fine addition to my harem...
R.JAK <Dav>: And I *didn't even see her transform*! Wow!
> Cid: Not bad for a pointy eared person...
T.OGRE <Cid>: Because, as we all know, minorities are inherently inferior to us white folk in every way!
> Zelda: Nice to meet you all. I'm Zelda, Princess of
> Hyrule.
> Cloud: Where?
> Zelda: Hyrule...
> Vegeta: Is that some far away planet?
> Zelda: No...
TBS: Isn't that the beach off that DiCaprio movie?
SIG: No...
TBS: Forget I said anything then.
SIG: I often do.
> Tifa: Is it a concentration camp or something?
R.JAK <Red XIII>: Are we now just making up really stupid guesses because we think we're funny?
> Aeris: Show's how much you know!
TBS: You know, the Big Show should *really* consider that as a catchphrase.
> Tifa: Shut up, Ancient b***h!!!!
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a U?
SIG: I'm afraid not.
> Cloud: Both of you, stop it right now!!!!!
> Tifa and Aeris: Sorry Cloud...
SIG: That's the second time Cloud's owning them. Wouldn't the new guy object?
SAMAS: Well, you'll notice that the author signed in as "Dave (Cloud)".
TBS: So *guess who the author's favourite is*!
SIG: Okay, okay! Sheesh!
> Zelda: No, it's a peaceful kingdom that is on the other
> side of the world.
> Vincent: Sounds interesting....
SAMAS <Vincent>: I wonder what new species will I find there?
> Barret: C'mon foo's! We need to find Yuffie so we can get
> our stuff back!
> Goku: Can you take us to this Spirit Temple?
EON <Zelda>: Two blocks down that way, hang a right. Look, you can't miss it.
> Zelda: Of course, hang on! This could get rough!
TBS: Yeah, but they like it-
T.OGRE: Stop. Right. There.
> Zelda plays the "Requiem of Spirit" and the crew is
> transported to the Colossus outside of the Spirit
> Temple...
SIG: Unfortunately, the appeared just as Colossus came down from his Power Dive. Oh, the humanity!