> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple. Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
SAMAS: Wedge Antilles?
SIG: Sarah Conner?
>
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!! In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy 'fic!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans
than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on
a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!? Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
> Thief 2: Oh poopy... (stops dancing)
> Yuffie: (starts to dance)
> Cait Sith: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm
> blind!!!!!!!!!
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
>
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!! This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
>
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking! He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: ONLY *TEN CENTS* A MINUTE?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Ti-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Thief 3: Who's Miller?
> Thief 4: My mom's appendix.
> Thief 3: EEEWWWWWWWWWW!!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was
a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
>
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
>
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
> (looks
> toward Link)
> Link: Oh yeah, blame the fairy boy!!!!!
> Dav: Hahahahahahaha!!!!
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the
Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks
> toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes
them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get
out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
> Barret: It's okay, foo'. We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right... we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's
clothing again, Ramza?
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
(slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you. Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
>
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
>
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
R.JAK: Dav, do you know what "TMI" means?
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
>
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
>
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.