> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple.
EON: Okay, okay! Get this. AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku and Vegita enter this Spirit Temple. Now the bartender...
T.OGRE: You know what? I've heard this one before.
EON: Oh.
> Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
R.JAK: By baking a nice big cake with vanilla frosting.
T.OGRE: With sprinkles?
R.JAK: No.
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!!
EON <Nabooru>: Thieves, lackeys, panhandlers, lend me
your wallets!
> In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead
SAMAS: Because that's what leaders usually do.
> our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
TBS <random thief>: Call me now fer free psychic
advise!
EON <random thief>: No sushi tonight?
R.JAK <random thief>: I like shorts! They're comfy and
easy to wear!
T.OGRE <random thief>: Look at me! Follow me! Don't
rely on me!
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy group!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
T.OGRE: THRILL at the non-setiquor references to pop stars!
EON: I think the author is going for "Guilt by Association".
T.OGRE: For which side though?
EON: ... point.
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
TBS: 'Cuzz they're thieves, you see. It's FUNNY, damn you!
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: That's not how you warm up a frozen--
T.OGRE: Don't you dare!
TBS: Awwww....
> Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
TBS <Panther King>: Don't make me get... the duct tape.
EON: They must really be awful thieves, the one sword between them and whatnot.
EON <Yuffie, narration>: In my dreams, I am a ballerina. I sweep across the stage, as light as a feather! The audience watches, not a whisper to be heard. All eyes are fixed upon me, dancing as if I was flying through the clear blue sky...
[Beat]
SAMAS: Okay, who bet on eonsinger again?
EON: No, I'm fine. Really.
TBS: STELLAAA!!!!!!!
SAMAS: KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
T.OGRE: GANDAAALF!!!
EON: Why couldn't I have been the one to fill your dark soul... WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
SIG: 15 exclamation marks... Does anything really deserve 15 exclamation marks?
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
R.JAK: Remind me what Cait Sith has to do with the Dragon Balls again.
TBS: Absolutely nothing.
R.JAK: So why are they having him make the wish then?
TBS: Because this way his wish can fulfill our zaniness quotient for the next few chapters.
R.JAK: Right... just checking.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
EON <singing>: Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
EON <Yuffie>: So, we're just gonna let him screw us over then?
R.JAK <Nabooru>: Yeah, pretty much.
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
T.OGRE: ALL of us?
TBS <Dragon>: No. *POOF*!
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
EON <chanting>: Oooooh, The Master wishes that you'd make up your mind so he can get back to trying to score!
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!!
SIG <Cait>: The type of leader who can spit out his gum and smack it away. Who can toss a towel around his
back and catch it. The type of leader with long, blonde hair and a light blue singlet. The type of
leader who can defeat all challengers with his Fisherman's Suplex!
R.JAK: They need Funaki with a hair extension?
> This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
SIG <Cait Sith>: ...capri pants!
R.JAK <Cait Sith>: ...mullets!
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
EON <Dragon>: Well, at least you ain't wishing for frilly panties like that pig guy.
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
SIG: I before E, except after C. Come on, say it with me author...
EON: Uh, dude? The fic can't hear you.
SIG: ... I know that.
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking!
SIG: Mistaken, that would be having been... Mistaking, in the act of making a mistake... Describes everyone in the fic, really.
> He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
EON: YAAAAAAY!
[The group looks to EON]
EON: I mean that's HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Time?
SAMAS: Yes, very insightful.
SIG: I thought so too.
SAMAS: And I will probably have to kill you now.
T.OGRE: What sort of half-assed woman would bother to name her expendable organs? It...
R.JAK: No.
T.OGRE: But she said she...
R.JAK: No...
T.OGRE: Does she have a pancreas named Lenny?
R.JAK: NO!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
T.OGRE: She's a member of GAG. Gays Against Gays.
EON: Closely affiliated with the Log Cabin Republicans.
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif 4 who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
TBS <voice from doorway>: Because I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
R.JAK <Leader>: HELLOOOOOO LADIES!
TBS <Thief>: Morton Downey Junior! BACK FROM THE DEAD!
R.JAK <Leader>: Suck my armpit, MURDERER! SUCK MY ARMPIT!
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
SIG: And the bartender...
T.OGRE: We went over this.
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
SAMAS: Two of them, half and half you see.
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
TBS: Shouldn't it be "I pity da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar?"
T.OGRE: Yes, now be quiet.
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
T.OGRE: Hey wait, he just laughed maniacally...
TBS: Does that mean he's going to explode in a pile of gore?
EON: If he just reintroduces himself... we can only hope.
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
R.JAK: Yes. He has people making witty alterations in his name but it didn't stop him from grossing lots of money in "The Beach".
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
EON <Link>: And I'll bet that's not all you'd like to do it, is it Tiger?
[Pause]
EON: Well look, someone's got to say it.
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
TBS: Talk about an anal-oriented fic, folks.
EON: Now why could that be?
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
TBS: No, jars.
EON <Link>: Oh, I knew that. Thanks.
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar
SIG: Only people with a lower power level think he hits people with jars.
> (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
R.JAK: How nice, in their last few moments on earth Barret finally recognizes his true feelings...
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
T.OGRE: Instead of just killing them as he does in the non-Saban version.
SIG: Yet more proof of how bad dubbing can warp a young mind.
> Barret: It's okay, foo'.
SAMAS <Barret>: We sent the money American Express!
> We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
SIG: So, why don't they just get rid of him?
R.JAK: Huh?
SIG: Well, they just 'needed' him to show them where the Spirit Temple was, right? If they're so homophobic, why are they keeping him around still?
R.JAK: You're just going to hurt yourself if you keep on thinking about this. [aside] Make that a twenty.
TBS: Right.
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right...
ALL: He's ALWAYS right!
> we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
SAMAS: ...how old are you? The new craze is seeing how many you can pack into a _________
[svennernote: pulling a TOTAL blank here. Someone think of something to put in there, please?}
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
TBS <Ramza>: No, man. An Arabian! I sold him Alma and Agrias for thirty camels!
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's clothing again, Ramza?
TBS <Ramza>: I'm still just trying to figure out how she knew... and that's none of your business!
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
SAMAS <Ramza>: Take THAT subspace!
R.JAK <Link>: Shut up.
SAMAS <Ramza>: No.
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........!
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
> (slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
T.OGRE: It occurs to me that the villians have a much lower bystander bodycount than the heros so far in this fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
TBS: (standing up) It's PUBLIC DOMAIN, you silicone infested BITCH!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you.
SAMAS: And Fred and Daphne go...(points)...thataway.
> Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
TBS <Vegita>: I say we take the Maze of Death.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death?! Why don't we just take the tunnel?
TBS <Vegita>: That tunnel could lead to ANYWHERE. I say we take the maze.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death.
TBS <Vegita>: Yep. That's the one.
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
R.JARK <Red XIII>: But it's my thing! My only thing! I'm nothing without my flatulence, nothing!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
R.JAK: Christ...now I'm smelling it from here.
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
EON <between slightly on edge bursts of laughter>: Funny?!
T.OGRE <Cloud>: And even then, you have to apply for a license signed by the Ministry of Health, the Surgeon General, and the Farrelly Brothers.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
R.JAK <Tifa>: Open it, quick!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
T.OGRE: Who?
R.JAK: That Minnesotan guy.
T.OGRE: Right...
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
SAMAS: And whatever you do, DO NOT SCREAM LIKE A LEEETLE WOMAN!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
R.JAK: I dunno. I never had tits.
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits
R.JAK: Hey! Stop tapping into my mind!
> and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
(R.JAK blinks.)
SIG: This guy know what "TMI" means?
TBS <Dav>: In fact... where is Aeris?
T.OGRE: No, just *no*.
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUUUN...
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
R.JAK <Goku>: You're not allowed to say that.
SIG <Cloud>: Huh?
EON <Vegita>: You're only allowed to ask "How can he be alive?!" after you blow him up and he's still standing when the smoke clears.
SIG <Cloud>: Oh. Well now I know.
R.JAK and EON <Goku and Vegita>: And knowing is half the battle!
ALL <singing>: D! B! Zeeeeee!
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
(long pause)
T.OGRE <Dav>: Saaaaaay...you don't think CAIT'S responsible for this, do you?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
SIG: (groaning) Sweet Jesus Flutie...
MMK <from the booth>: GODDAMMIT! That's *MY* line!
SIG: Whoa. OK.
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
R.JAK: Hell, I'd say shoot the bastard.
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.