TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you don't use any commas
because we need to save all our punctuation for other sentences
with far far too many exclamation points and question marks!
[gasps for breath]
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
SIG: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little
like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped
princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
R.JAK: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something
like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[R.JAK starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the
snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
> Link: My dream's finally coming true!!!!
> Zelda: Help!!! Rape!!! RAPE!!!!
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as
climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed,
as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall,
it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
SAMAS: That's a rather strange location for a power switch...
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough
to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the
wall!
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your
sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of
death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything
useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
EON <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
SIG: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
SIG: Tempting, but... I'll pass.
> It's
> da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: Oh boy. John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
>
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst!
Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ... rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
>
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
R.JAK: Speak for your goddamn self.
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He
only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
R.JAK <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!