> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
R.JAK: The BETTER way to perform root canals.
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him) Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
TBS <Rosebud>: Soon I'll be seeing thousands of little stuffed *me* all over shopping malls around the country...
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics, you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart...of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already
paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
SIG: We're not going to think about why that particular song is associated with Ganon, right?
R.JAK: Well...not for long anyway...
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
ALL: Kaitty Cait!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
EON <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Fine, I'll go! And I'll NEVER LOOK BACK!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
(R.JAK twitches noticably)
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
R.JAK: It's the STORAGE jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (turns toward Link) Watch what ya'
> firin' at, foo'!!!!
> Link: Sorry...
SIG: Nice aim tho.
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
SIG: Shelock?
TBS: She's a psychic knife-weilding member of the X-men-
SAMAS: That's Psylocke.
TBS: Oh. Then it's a clear protective coating for woodwork-
T.OGRE: That's shelack.
TBS: Oh...then it's the guy that won public acclaim and criticism as the author of "The Manchurian Candidate" and led the development of the movie with Frank Sinatra.
(There is a long pause)
R.JAK: Erm...that's James Condon.
TBS: Yes...
R.JAK: How the ring-tailed, wooly hell did you get JAMES CONDON out of Shelock?
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
ALL: Awwww...
EON: Damn party pooper!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
EON: They're being threaten by a hot dog?
TBS: Stop and think about it. Does anyone really know what's in them?
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
T.OGRE: Too late. Still here.
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
TBS: Quick thinking. We almost had some sort of dramatic tension.
T.OGRE: Dramatic tension, no...
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
T.OGRE: ...mindlessly repetitive attempt at humor, yes.
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that I've seen in my life.
R. JAK: Maybe it's Hungarian.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
EON <singing>: All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever...
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
SAMAS: Now, wait a minute and think carefully about that, Sephiroth, do you really want to merge spirits with the reject cast of failed Southpark wannabes?
R.JAK: Maybe he'll just buy Junon and turn it into a theme-park again.
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
R.JAK: Neurotic little devil, isn't he?
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
TBS: Okay, what the hell is he *on*?
EON: The fairy dust, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
SAMAS <Link>: I'm an emotionally instable boy wearing a skirt!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
SIG <Wakko>: That's "Macalania."
TBS <singing>: Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
R.JAK: It IS a hard thing to understand, isn't it?
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehovah's Witnesses.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
[EON twitches.]
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it
to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
R.JAK: That would be '*was* such a whore'. Or it would be if death was any impediment to continued involvement in this asinine excuse for a plot.
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMOSITION, DARN YOU!!
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?