Let me be the first to brave -- the Wrath of the Dildo
by
>
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan! Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT! They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
SAMAS: Well. *She* sure recovered quickly from being *date-raped*!
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
EON <Professor Treacherous Cockroach>: No, that's just what they'd *expect* me to do.
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
TBS: Wah! No testicle-kicking!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
>
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle. Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
EON: At NERV, Ritsuko discovers lobster sticks to magnet.
TBS: [sings] You got a Yuffie and you got a magnet, Yuffie has materia but don't you grab it...
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
TBS <Butt-Head>: Hey Beavis, look -- words.
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
T.OGRE: This fic is reading my mind again.
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
SIG <Zarbon>: Frankly, I think Team Rocket has a much better routine.
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
TBS: Hey! This is Chase with the dildo that they mentioned earlier!
SAMAS: That's nice. Wake me when I care.
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him)
R.JAK: Lucky b*****d.
[R.JAK coughs for a minute or two, then spits up a giant wad of asterisks.]
R.JAK: FUCK! [pause] Much better.
> I like
> soap operas!
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
EON: Shouldn't Guldo -- oh, I'm sorry, *Goldo* be dead?
SAMAS: If you're going to split hairs, the entire fucking Ginyu Force should be dead, except for Captain Ginyu, who should be a frog. Puff.
R.JAK: Don't think about it. It can only lead to head-explody.
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Recoom will be played by Fighter.
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit, some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch, a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila, a year supply of
> hair care products, the "Pleasure Machine 2000", a
> mastered Shiva materia, the cat, a grenade, a magnet, and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
TBS: --Mum.
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
TBS: Magnet's made of iron, Yuffie made of meat.
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
R.JAK: Look in mirrors much, Cait?
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
EVIL BLACK FURBY: Somebody's baking brownies.
R.JAK: What the--?
TBS: Must have followed me from the apartment.
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
SAMAS: I'm not even going to ask.
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
>