"But I NEED my spleen!" "Come on! You don't know what it's FOR!"
by
> Zelda thaws Barret out of the ice...
>
> Barret: Dat's better! Thanks, Zelda!
> Zelda: Don't mention it!!!!
> Link: What else could go wrong!?!?
SIG: Well, you could find out your girlfriend has the clap... or any other VD that I'm too lazy to bother mentioning...
> Dark Link: (appears out of nowhere) Ah ha! You have
> returned for a re-match against me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
T.OGRE: Or that could happen.
SAMAS: "Evil" palette-swapped characters: If they're good enough for Capcom, then damn it, they're good enough for you!
TBS <Earthworm Jim>: Saaaaay... we're opposites, right? So if I hate losing, you must hate winning!
EON <Evil Jim>: Oh please, I'm not going to fall for *that* one...
> Link: Dark Link!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What the hell are you doing
> here!?!?!?
TBS <Dark Link>: I tripped down a Dark flight of stairs and my Dark girlfriend laughed at me. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
> Dark Link: Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious? I've been
> assigned to guard the dragon balls for the hot sexy leader
> of the Gerudos, Scarlet!
SAMAS: I'm confused. Is this bottom of the barrel scraping, or just a unconventional attraction?
SIG: Don't insult the barrel, Puffy.
> Cid: Oh brother...
T.OGRE: ...where art thou?
MMK <over speaker, singing> IIIIIIIIIIIII am a man of constant sorroooooooow...
R.JAK: (covering ears) You HAD to say that, didn't you, Ogre?
> Link: Go back to the Water Temple where you belong!!!!
> Dark Link: What if I don't want to? It'll be hard for you
> to defeat me because I can mimic every move you do!!!!!
TBS <Link>: Even the ones I did at that Salsa championships last spring? That got me first place?
EON <Dark Link>: ESPECIALLY those.
TBS <Link>: Aw, fuck!
> Link: Oh yeah? Can you mimic this?
> Dark Link: What?
[EON and TBS look at each other and nod solemnly.]
SAMAS: Well, it's nice to know that you two learned your-
TBS <Dark Link>: Dear GOD, man, I don't think I WANT to mimic that! Geez, that poor Bombchu...
[SAMAS facepalms.]
SAMAS <muttering>: I don't even know why I bother...
> Link: (grabs Zelda and starts singing) Swing your partner
> 'round and 'round! Pick her up and throw her down! (picks
> her up between the legs and throws her down)
[ALL cringe heavily]
TBS: U GROPIN': AWFUL
T.OGRE: Jesus, he's doing it too?!
SIG: Kill him, Zelda... You know you want to...
> Zelda: Oh Link!
> Link: (grabs Zelda's arms and continues singing) Slap your
> knees! Slap your thighs! Slap her @$$ then she'll slap
> mine! (songs done)
SIG: Use the Adamantium Paddle, dammit!
R.JAK: Oy.
SAMAS: You know, Zelda seems to be pretty forgiving to someone who date-raped her earlier.
R.JAK: Thank you Akanepuff, now that memory I was trying to repress is coming back up again. Bitch.
SAMAS <Angry manga cross on his helmet>: No problem.
> Dark Link: Oh, okay, you found out I can't mimic you when
> you sing gay songs and do gay dances!
EON <Link>: Hey, whaddaya think I am, a member of the fuckin' Ginyu Force?!
> Link: Then go the hell! (beats the living s**t out of Dark
> Link with the Megaton Hammer)
TBS <Homer Simpson>: Stupid evil clone! You go squish now!
> Dark Link: Oh.... poopy.... (dies)
> Red XIII: Now that that b.s. is over with, let's get the
> dragon balls!
SIG: The fanfic's not over yet, though.
> Zelda's party heads into the next room. Meanwhile in the
> tower...
TBS <Captain Ginyu>: Yuffie, I am your father.
SIG <Yuffie>: Well, just when I think my life can't get any worse...
> Captain Ginyu: Listen, you half cent whore! I'll only pay
> 400 Rupees and nothing more!!!!!
> Scarlet: Well, I want 100,000 Rupees and not one less!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Well go smack a dog!
> Scarlet: Go smack a pecan tree!
SAMAS: Now this is a mature debate. Please excuse me while I disembowel myself.
> Captain Ginyu: Go smack DiCrapio's mama!
> Scarlet: Go smack Winslut's dad!
EON: Go smack my bitch up.
(techno music starts playing)
SIG: I think we're losing it...
> Cait Sith: (spits the grenade out) Why don't they just
> both shut the hell up!?!?!?
T.OGRE: Because arguing and exchanging childish insults are FUN!
> Yuffie: Magnet stick on! Magnet stick off! Magnet stick
> on... (shoves the grenade back in Cait's mouth)
TBS <singing>: Don't put a Yuffie on a plate; she'll use her magnet to escape.
EON: Cait Sith made of steel, Yuffie has a... um, grenade.
SIG: Boy, with villans like this, who needs heroes?
SAMAS: Dude...this is Cait Sith. No one likes Cait Sith.
> Scarlet: Yuffie! Gimmie your weapon! I'm gonna teach this
> guy a lesson on what happens when you mess with the
> Gerudos!!!!!
T.OGRE: You get insulted about your sexual heritage using stars of James Cameron's cash cow "Titanic"?
> Yuffie: Oh okay! (hands Scarlet her bra)
> Scarlet: Not your bra, you retard, your Conformer!!!
R.JAK <Yuffie>: That IS my Conformer? How do you think I keep my breasts tiny?
> Yuffie: No way! It's MY Conformer!
> Scarlet: Give it here now!!!
> Yuffie: No way! I won't let you take it!
> Scarlet: Hey Yuffie look! The Backstreet Boys are over
> there drooling over you!
TBS: Eww...
EON: What? She's only sixteen!
SAMAS: Damn pedophiles, the lot of them.
> Yuffie: WHERE!?!?!? WHERE!?!?!?
> Scarlet: (grabs the Conformer) Stupid b***h! You'll fall
> for anything won't ya!!
> Yuffie: I'm not a b***h!
EON <singing>: The only things you wanna see are kitsch, and the only thing you wanna be is rich, and your little pink up-turned nose begins to twitch, I know you know you're just a little bitch!
SIG: Word.
> Scarlet: Die Captain Poopoo! (swings the Conformer at
> Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: (breaks the Conformer into five pieces)
SIG: 'Cause he's just that cool, to break a four-pointed shuruiken in five pieces.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: Next time I'm buying an American-made ultimate weapon!
> Yuffie: My Conformer! It's broken! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
> Dav: (gets up the stairs first) Take it like the b***h you
> are, Yuffie!
> Captain Ginyu: Who are you!?!?!?
R.JAK <Dav>: I'm the first one in, last one out. Line up your asses for the ritual kicking, playas!
> Scarlet: Wha...wha...what's going on here!?!?
> Yuffie: YOU!?!?!?!? You call yourself a thief! I'm the
> best thief on this planet!
> Dav: First off, I'm a TREASURE hunter and second, a
> two-year old is better at stealing then you'll ever be,
> materia b***h!
EON: She's living in... No wait, that's been done.
SAMAS: It has?
EON: Well...I dunno...it's been so long...
> Cloud: That's telling her, Dav!!!
> Yuffie: Why you little... I'll finish you off! ALL
> CREATION!!!!
SIG: All Creation: The other other *other* other beam Super.
> Dav: (deflects it and it hits Scarlet in the pussy)
[ALL fall silent. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot screams]
T.OGRE: What the fuck was that?
SIG <wincing>: ...That looks damn painful.
KAO <Over the intercom>: You're damn right it's damn painful!
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
EON: But should the force of the blast just rip her legs off?
SAMAS: Maybe. But why the fucking crotch?! It's not like women have balls. Puff
COSMOS <Over the intercom>: It does hurt, yours are just more vunerable.
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
> Scarlet: (makes a groaning noise then dies)
> Yuffie; How did you deflect that!?!? That was my strongest
> move!!!
R.JAK: Because he's a FUCKING MARY SUE who won't sell a spitball shot like THAT!
SIG <Wanderer>: LOOK AT ME, I'M A FANFIC WRITER!
> Dav: Weak moves for a weak b***h!! You would be stronger
> if you hadn't spent so much time stealing materia!!!
> Yuffie: You'll still fall at the hands of the mighty
> Yuffie!!
> Dav: I don't think so, weak b***h! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!!
SIG: For great ju-
T.OGRE: NO.
R.JAK: He is the just-
T.OGRE: NO.
SAMAS: With liberty and ju-
T.OGRE: NO! NO NO NO!
EON: You are a really sensit-
T.OGRE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> Yuffie: AHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (gets sliced up into 20 pieces
> and dies)
SIG: And this is the final fight...thanks for watching.
TBS: And she didn't even get to decapitate herself. Dammit.
> Cloud: Alright Dav!!!!
> Cait Sith: That's the way to kick a materia whore's
> @$$!!!!
> Vegeta: That was cool!!!
SIG <Vegeta>: So cool, in fact, that I'll eat you with butter now.
R.JAK <Vegeta>: Let's have SEX now! Ha ha ha!
> Captain Ginyu: Vegeta!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Well, if it ain't Captain Ginyu of the GAYU
> FORCE!! Hahaahahaha!
TBS: Isn't that a brand of beans?
EON: That's Goya.
TBS: Oh. Then it must be the Raging Demon in the Street Fi-
ALL: WILL YOU SHUT *UP*?!?
TBS: Apostates...every one of you.
> Captain Ginyu: Frieza will be thrilled to see your ugly
> face alive again!!!
> Vegeta: I see Freezer's become even more gay and stupid
> then before!!!!
EON: You know, I think I would be able to predict this fic to about three lines!
> Captain Ginyu: Your totally wrong...
> Vegeta: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: What's so funny!?!?
> Vegeta: I see you peed your pants!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Oh crap... I did!!!!
> (everyone laughs at him)
ALL <Cats>: HA HA HA HA.
SAMAS <voice-over>: Uncontrolled bladder contractions affect millions of overpowered villians each year...
> Captain Ginyu: Stop laughing at me!!!
> (everyone continues to laugh)
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! I'm gonna get out of here but
> I'll return and get my revenge on all of you!!!!
TBS <Ginyu>: Ginyu Force, RETREAT!!! Oh wait, it's just me... See ya!
> Goku: What a wuss!!!!
> Tifa: (unties Cait) Hey Cait, why the hell are you eating
> a grenade?
R.JAK <Cait Sith>: It's Jane Fonda's latest diet! All I do is eat one grenade a day, then the pounds fall off in weeks!
SIG: Weeks? Pull the pin off, and shed them pounds in seconds -- along with the rest, of course.
> Cait Sith: (takes the grenade out of his mouth and being
> sarcastic) Well since I was starving to death, I said to
> myself "Cait, if you don't eat something, your gonna die,"
> so I found a grenade and I was trying to eat it!
R.JAK: See, like I was *SAYING*. Geez.
> Tifa: (shoves the grenade back into his mouth) That's
> nice! Now eat up!
> Cait Sith: (takes it back out) Some people are just plain
> f**kin' stupid!!!
ALL: Speak for yourself.
> Vegeta: Let's go get my dragon balls back!!!
>
> Captain Ginyu flies off but in mid-air, gets hit by an
> on-coming comet.
SAMAS: Boy, what are the odds, huh?
SIG: Pretty good, considering the fact that this *is* a world where people routinely pull celestial objects out of orbit just to get rid of a few soldiers...
> The comet smashes him through Zora's
> Domain and it collides, melting the ice there...
>
> King Zora: It's about time this place melted!!!!
TBS <Zora>: Now I can stop spraying all these aerosol cans!
SIG: Although with the way Red XIII was acting, you'd
think global warming would've kicked in ages ago.
Ruto,
> push your old man in the water!!!!
> Ruto: I don't know, dad. I kinda' liked it frozen. I mean
> it was so peaceful and still.
> King Zora: Dammit, Ruto! Just push me into the water and
> then go to your room! No Discovery Channel for you
> tonight!!!
TBS: NO MAMMALS? WAAAAH!
> Ruto: Ah crap!! (pushes King Zora over the edge)
> King Zora: (lands on an ice block) Ack! I'm getting too
> old for this!!
T.OGRE: So, what was that pointless scene supposed to achieve?
SAMAS: A zen-like quality.
> Back at the castle...
>
> Zelda: We got the dragon balls back guys! Our mission is
> complete!
R.JAK <Zelda>: And our hit total is 200! We've got a medal, people!
[ALL cheer. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
R.JAK: And can someone please shut him up?!
> Cloud: Plus we got all of our other stuff back!!
> Cait Sith: And I'm FINALLY free!!!!
SIG: Cait, considering how many gamers despise you, most people couldn't give you away if they tried.
> Vegeta: As a reward for all of you helping me retrieve my
> dragon balls, I'll allow for you to each get one wish!!
T.OGRE: I wish for a decent booker.
SAMAS: I wish the MMK would stop call me Jigglypuff.
EON: I wish I had a donut.
R.JAK: I wish I got that Quistis plushie I saw today...
TBS: I wish for a decent alternative to plastic, but we all can dream...
> Goku: Sorry, Vegeta, but I have to get back to my wife and
> Gohan. (looks at Vegeta's watch) Oh s**t! I'm 10 hours
> late for dinner! Well I'll see you all around some time!
> Bye!
T.OGRE: The next day, Goku was found at the family home, hanging by his shoulders from meat hooks, disemboweled, castrated and legless. Chi-Chi couldn't take it anymore.
> Zelda: Bye! Hey, Link, we should also be getting going!
> Dav: Must you leave so early?
> Zelda: I have a promise to fulfill! C'mon Link!!!!
> Link: Yeah baby!!!!!!
SAMAS <Link>: Now I can have sex with her without it being called rape! Happy day!
R.JAK: I swear...I'm going to stop asking questions about logic...
> Zelda: Bye!!!! (warps off to Link's house)
SIG: Afterwards, a charred, unrecongizable lump of a corpse was found in the outskirts of Hyrule. Only through DNA testing was the remains identified as belonging to a certain Link, supposedly a hero of Hyrule...
> Vincent: I, too, must go.
> Cid: Where are you going?
R.JAK <Patrick Bateman>: I have to go return some videos.
[EON plays an ominous chord on The Anachronistic Keyboard. (tm)]
> Vincent: I have.... an errand to run.... I should be back
> by tonight... (flies off)
SIG: Yeah, for HOJO. [singing] Vincent and Hojo sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
[Awkward pause]
T.OGRE: Oh yuck!
TBS: You sick fuck!
SIG <very evil grin>: I know.
> Aeris: Where is going?
> Cloud: He better not go to that old guy's tool shed again!
> Last time we got a call a demon was in there doing the
> "whack a whack a ding dong" moaning out Yuffie's name!!!!
> Tifa: Eeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
SIG: Called it.
TBS: No, that was Racewing, he fucked up the incantation.
T.OGRE: What the fuck was Racewing doing in the fanfic?!
TBS: In the fanfic?
SIG: ...
> Cait Sith: Well, I'm all for a caviar dinner so let's
> mosey.
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you
> say...
> Red XIII: We get the point already!!!
R.JAK: No you don't. You thumb-heads couldn't get a point if you were hosed down with point pheromones and dropped into a field of points at the height of point mating season.
SIG: I thought you said you'd...
R.JAK: Hey look! Aspirin! (he swallows another bottle)
TBS: That can't be good for the gastric system.
> While AVALANCHE and Vegeta made their way to the nearest
> caviar resturant, an alien ship was flying through the
> solar system...
TBS: It's the attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars!
[*DING!*]
TBS: Eleventh hour Weird Al reference, bay-bee!
> Visitor 1: Prepare for anal incision!
> Visitor 2: (opens up the butt crack) Eeeeewwwwwww!! It's
> infested!!!!
> Joe: (looking at a Playboy) Sweeeeeeeet!!!!!
> Visitor 2: God, if only I was a security guard for the
> Toys R Us back on our homeworld, I wouldn't have to stare
> up alien butt cracks!
EON: Remember, "Klaatu barada nikto" is Reticulian for "Squeal like a pig, boy!"
[T.OGRE powerbombs EON, just because.]
SAMAS: You have to wonder, though: What could you possibly learn from an anal probe?
SIG: Well, if you want to gather crap right from the source...
> Joe: Sweeeeeeet!!! (flips the page and farts)
> Visitor 1: Ah s**t!! I almost stabbed myself with the anal
> probe!!!!
> Visitor 2: Just shut up and shove it up there!!!!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeeeetttttt!!!!
>
> In the now peaceful kingdom of Hyrule...
SAMAS: The same scene was being played out, only with Walkmen.
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh we've been saved!
> Guy 2: It's a miracle!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
SIG <Guy 1>: Now we're safe to enjoy our nitrous oxide! Hahahahhahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: (in Chaos form) Don't think your safe yet!! I
> am..... CHAOS!!!!
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh no! Run before we
> die!! Hahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: You shall not escape the wrath of.... CHAOS!!!
> Mwhahahahahahahaha!!!
SAMAS <Vincent>: You bastards, you left the gas on! Mwahahahahaha!!
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahaha!!! We're gonna die!!!
> Guy 1: (gets his head ripped off by Chaos)
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh no my head's gonna
> get ripped off also!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Vincent: You shall be slaughtered along with many gay
> people in this crappy kingdom of Hyrule!!!!
EON <Vincent>: No-one can take that much laughing!
TBS <Guy>: ...
EON <Vincent>: What?
TBS <Guy>: Dude, your line!
EON <Vincent>: Huh? Oh, right. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Back at Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Vegeta has summoned the
> dragon so everyone can make their wish...
T.OGRE: I thought it was one wish in...
R.JAK: Samas, if you will...
(SAMAS takes out a comically sized mallet and bonks T.OGRE on the head, knocking him out.)
R.JAK: Thank you.
SAMAS: 'Sno problem.
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you get one wish.
> Vegeta: I wish for a better sex life with Aeris!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
EON <Shen-Long>: Why do 85% of these people's wishes involve sex?
TBS: ...and so Vegeta was transformed into a vibrator.
SIG: Rotary or jackhammer?
TBS: Does it matter?
> Aeris: Yeah baby!!!!
> Barret: I wish I could beat Cloud and Vegeta in Goldeneye!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SAMAS <Cloud>: Hey, Barret, we think Goldeneye sucks shit now, let's play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
TBS <oddly cheerful>: I'll play as Mai Shiranui! She's beautiful, smart and funny, and her special moves kick ass, and she's the sexiest girl around, even sexier than the Dead or Alive girls!
[A familiar red thong falls down into TBS's lap. He takes a sniff at it.]
TBS: Woo hoo, used, just the way I like 'em!
[TBS wears the panties on his head as the others peer at the rafters suspiciously.]
> Cloud: I wish Barret would shut up, sit down and eat
> tacos!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Barret: (sitting down and starts eating tacos) You foo'
> Cloud!
EON <Barret>: Tacos give me gas!
> Cait Sith: I wish for a lifetime supply of caviar!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (dozens of huge
> barrels appear behind him)
R.JAK: And lo, did the entire house stink up.
> Red XIII: I wish that everyone who calls me a crossbreed
> would get constipated for a month!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Paperboy: Message for a "Mr. Crossbreed!"
> Red XIII: Curses of steal! With a caviar meal! Give this
> worker of the nation! A month of constipation!!!
TBS: ...and then Red XIII throws his staff down to earth, and it strikes the paperboy, and... wait, that's something else.
Sorry, my bad.
> Paperboy: What are you talking.... AHH!!! My stomach!!!! I
> need to poop!!!!!! (runs to the bathroom)
> Tifa: I wish that Cloud and I would have passionate love
> with me every night for the rest of our lives!!!!
R.JAK: So that would mean that she would end up having sex with *herself* and Cloud, but that would mean...
(SAMAS bonks R.JAK with the hammer.)
R.JAK: OW! GEEZ! MY FRICKIN' HEAD!
EON: Hey, Cloud's not complaining about that detail.
TBS: Double the pleasure, double the fun.
SIG: Yes...that's nice.
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Hey, you copied my wish! I'll kill you now!
EON: So, does this mean that Cloud's going to turn into a vibrator too?
SIG: Nah. Tifa made the wish, so she turns into a blow-up doll.
TBS: You mean she isn't already?
> Dav: I wish that Yuffie will never be able to be wished
> back to this dimension ever again!!!
R.JAK <Dragon>: Okay...now that's just fucking munchkin-like.
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SIG: Fucking dubbie.
SAMAS: Now how come nobody ever thought of doing THAT in Dragon Ball?
EON: Well, that's a relief for them. I wonder what dimension she might end up in?
[An feminine shadow zips past the screen.]
SIG <blinks>: Huh? Must be my imagination...
> Cid: I want chicken! I want liver! Meow mix! Meow mix!
> Please deliver!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (hears a door bell)
> Aeris: I'll get it!!! (opens the door)
> Delivery Guy: Yeah, I'm hear to deliver some chicken,
> liver and two boxes of Meow mix to a Mr. Highwind. That'll
> be 2000 gil!!!!
EON <Frank>: It's Baxter!
> Aeris: Oh Cid!!!!!!!
> Cid: Wait a second! That wasn't my wish! I wish for Kate
> Winslit to come back!!
> Dragon: You've already made a wish.
> Cid: (flicks off the dragon)
> Dragon: (blows fire at Cid and burns his @$$ up)
R.JAK & SIG: Oh... My... God...
SIG: It *IS* Skrib in a cameo. No wonder...
> Cid: Owwwwwww!! M'kay?
> Cloud: Here's your money and I'll take the stuff!!!
> Delivery Guy: Thank you! (gets back in his crappy car)
> Aeris: I wish that my upcoming birth will be completely
> successful!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. Now I must depart.
TBS: Sometime later, Aeris gave birth to a bouncing baby girl, who promptly blew her and Vegeta to pieces, then grew up to rule the universe with an iron fist. The end.
SIG <sniffling>: That'll be sooo cool...
> (the dragon disappears and the dragon balls, once again,
> are separated to the four corners of the earth)
R.JAK: Well, about damn time...
> Cloud: Your gonna have a baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Aeris: Yep! I'm hoping ot's a girl!
> Cid: You better hope it doesn't have Fejita's brains OR
> looks!!!
> Vegeta: You goddamn piece of f**kin' s**t!!! I'll fry you
> to pieces.... at Goldeneye! C'mon Cloud!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: But I wanna make love to Tifa!
R.JAK <Vegeta> Screw that! GOLDENEYE FIRST!
> Cid: C'mon Barret, let's kick these guy's sorry @$$s....
> Barret?
> Barret: Not now foo'! I'm still eatin' tacos!!!!
>
> THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TBS: And about damn time, too.
SIG: There goes the last of the exclamation points.
ALL: FUCK YOU, FUTURE GENERATIONS!!!!!!!
T.OGRE: (woozy) Wha...huh...?