> A Third Universe from the Right Production
> of a
> Straight On Till Morning Film
ARL: Brought to you by Mind's Eye Theater.
> STREET FIGHTER: WARRIOR'S LEGACY
???: I tried loading a warrior on my computer, but it turned out that it was too old, and I ended up having to download some files to support it.
ARL: Oh really? What kind of files?
???: Warrior's legacy drivers.
[ALL groan.]
[Botched computer jokes? Check...]
> BATTLE 03: RAPPROCHEMENT
GAVOK: I'm not Rapprochement.
> Benjamin D. Hutchins
> MegaZone
RACE: The Coreys of the fanfiction world.
> Fight choreographer for Mr. Hoshi:
> Kris Overstreet
S.D.: Is it a name or directions?
> with the gracious assistance of The Usual Suspects
GAVOK: Old McDonald had a fic. E-I-E-I-O. And in this fic he shot some guys.
> (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited
>
>
> The one Spaniard I had hit was still on the ground, and showed
> no signs of an imminent return to consciousness. The other one,
> however, was holding my attention fairly well on his own;
> he was fast,
> and I had to concentrate to keep from getting skewered by that silly
> sword of his. Not too long ago, I stepped right into the arc of one
> of those and took it away from its owner, but I was pretty drunk at
> the time.
ARL: Wow. He just retroactively booked that chick from Chapter One as being even *less* competent.
RACE: It's impressive.
ARL: Really?
RACE: Fuck no, dude. I'm being polite.
> Sober, I wasn't sure if I could do it.
TBS: Try it anyway. If you screw up, hey, you can always send it to
Worcester's Funniest Home Videos.
> I ducked to one
> side and weaved back as the swordsman lunged at me, once, twice,
MMK: [sings] Three times a lady...
[Um, no. It's:
MMK <singing>:
[remember?]
> again, gathering my concentration and pushing the energy into my left
> forearm. From the elbow down, that arm began to glow with a soft blue
> radiance,
ARL: Gryph must be a big hit at candy raves.
> and in another second or so, Senor Ninja was going to ride
> the lightning.
TBS: Pregnant women and people with heart conditions should not ride the lightning.
MMK <singing>: Flash before my eyes, now it's time to die, burning in my
brain, I can feel the flames...
> That's when he feinted left and then slashed at me. The
> reaction patterns of the Icon of Stone took over from my conscious
> aversion to sharp metal objects, and again I stepped inside its arc,
> driving my upraised left forearm against the flat of the blade to push
> it out of position.
MMK: Good thing the Spaniard didn't think to twist his wrist slightly.
> The theory here was that, having accomplished
> that, I'd hold the blade away with my left and punch the guy with my
> right,
ARL: ...you know, I never realized how goofy the action in 2D fighting games would be until I saw it written out here.
[RACE, GAVOK, MMK, and TBS all mutter something that sounds like "Sorge."]
> but that turned out not to be necessary.
ARL <other Spainard>: Here. Let me punch myself out for you.
S.D. <Gryphon>: How kind.
> The moment my arm, which was still flared, touched the blade,
> there was a sharp SNAP, and my arm and hand tingled just as if I had
> thrown the Psycho Lightning I'd been preparing.
RACE <sotto voce>: The tingle tells you it's working.
> The ninja stood bolt
> upright, surprise in his eyes melting to incomprehension and then
> flickering out entirely as he slumped over backward.
S.D.: I do that whenever I see a David Lynch movie.
GAVOK: So is *that* an Electric Boogaloo?
> Little jolts of
> blue energy kept playing over his sword and his right arm for a couple
> of seconds as I looked down at him.
ARL: Hey! You just decked Alex Rovias! You bastard!
[I'm kinda riding the line between obscure and pointless, here.]
> Hmm.
MMK <rubbing his chin>: Hmmm... Hmmm! HMMMM!
GAVOK: Blah. [Gavok's head falls off]
> It never did -that- before.
ARL: Did he just accidentally discover *another* technique?
> People have compared my
> flare effect to an electric shock, which was what led me to develop
> the Psycho Lightning's look, but metal never conducted it before.
S.D. <Gryphon>: Funny. Psycho Lightning doesn't conduct metal at our house...
> Apparently while I had been working to make it look and act more like
> electricity, I had been doing better than I thought!
ARL: So it's possible to control the properties of one's INCREDIBUL CHEE
POWURZ simply through force of will...
TBS: So theoretically, one could have a cheese danish chi blast?
ARL: Well, if you want to go by Ben's logic, then technically, yes.
TBS: I see.
[TBS pulls out a notebook, writes something down, then resumes watching the
'fic.]
> This bore
> further investigation, but right now I was thirsty and wanted to get
> out of here before Sancho and Pancho woke up.
RACE <Gryphon>: Did I forget to mention that they were wearing giant sombreros and sitting against a wall?
> When I turned around, I saw that Zoner and Meg were long gone;
> my jacket was hanging from a fire escape. I can't say that came as a
> great surprise.
RACE: Oh, leather jacket! You wacky funster!
> Reclaiming my jacket, I dropped one of my calling
> cards (the one with just the recursive G arrow)
GAVOK <Gryphon>: Because even though you're unconscious and badly beaten, you *still* probably pay too much for long distance.
> on one of the ninja (does it matter which?)
S.D.: Yes, oh heavens YES! How will I live my life without knowing on which
ninja Ben left his card??
> and continued on my way to the T, mopping at
> my forehead with the tail of my outer shirt. I wondered if the fact
> that it took two Spanish ninja and a sunny August afternoon to make me
> break a sweat would go to my head.
GAVOK: Some ninja... they didn't even wail.
> MZ
> "Will he be all right?" Meg asked, concerned. She was cute
> when she was concerned. OK, well, cuter.
S.D.: You know, to extrapolate from the Hutchinsverse lore I gained by watching "Hopelessly Lost," he's still technically cheating on Yuri *and* Sylia here.
RACE: He's just *looking*.
S.D.: Chapter ain't over yet, man.
RACE: ...point.
> She deactivated her bionics
> as we walked and returned to her street clothes.
> "He'll be fine. Two ninjas are nothing for Gryphon.
MMK: Two vikings, though, watch out.
> He's a
> street fighter, you see. I guess I should fill you in --
RACE <Zoner>: --no, up--no, I mean *in*! OH! Naughty Zoner! [slaps self]
> you want the
> long version up front or would you rather have the Cliff Notes now and
> I can fill in the blanks later?"
MMK <Zoner>: Either way, you ain't gonna believe *any* of this shit.
> I was hoping she'd choose Cliff Notes;
ARL: So were we.
> I couldn't wait to hear -her- story.
> "Well... I... Cliff Notes." Bingo.
[ALL throw Bingo cards up in the air and grumble in dissatisfaction.]
RACE: I was [holds up his pointer finger] ONE number away!
> "OK. Gryphon is a street fighter working his way up the ranks
> of the World Circuit Martial Arts Tournament Authority so that he may
> eventually bring down Shadolu, the Southeast-Asian organized crime
> syndicate.
S.D. <Meg>: ...
RACE <Zoner>: ...actually, he owns a dojo and he had a taser.
S.D. <Meg>: That's more like it.
> M. Bison, head of the whole shebang, uses his style and
> has tried to kill his master a few times.
ARL: Gryphon tried to kill his master a few times?
GAVOK <Gryphon>: Hey. Wake up, asshole.
MMK <Gryphon's master>: [sleepily] Whaaaat?
GAVOK <Gryphon>: You ate my fucking schnitzel.
MMK <Gryphon's master>: What?
GAVOK <Gryphon>: You ate my fucking schnitzel!
MMK <Gryphon's master>: Well... it was in there! And if it's in there, then it's fair game.
GAVOK <Gryphon>: Then maybe this is fair game! HOO-WAH!
[GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.]
MMK <Gryphon's master>: OW!
GAVOK <Gryphon>: You like that? That's right. That's a karate chop! HEE-YAH!
[GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.]
MMK <Gryphon's master>: Jeez!
GAVOK <Gryphon>: KEE-AI!
[GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.]
MMK <Gryphon's master>: OW!
> Those ninjas work for one
> of the higher-ups in Shadolu and..."
> "Wait.
ARL <Meg>: I'm supposed to believe a story like this when a guy named "Zoner" is telling it?
> Ninjas? I thought ninjas wore black pajamas and
> carried little short swords -- you know, like the guy in 'Shinobi'."
> "Well, yes. But these were Spanish ninjas."
S.D. <Meg>: Okay, then. Like the Shinobi-lleros.
> "I... umm... see." I could tell by the look in her eyes that
> she was actually rather confused. It made her look even cuter.
ARL: Warrior's Legacy! The story that *dares* to tell you, "Hey, Meg's cute."
RACE: The real bitch of this is that "Bionic Six" was a Robotech-era cartoon. Meg looked like a guy with tits.
> Technically, I don't know how that is possible, but there it was.
MMK: Well, then, there it is.
> "Don't worry, it will all become less clear as we go on.
ARL: No kidding.
> Now
> then, enough about him, let's talk about me." I said with a jaunty
> grin and an 80's tone.
RACE: Not talking about Ben... is that allowed?
> I could tell she related.
> "You're a street fighter too?"
MMK <Zoner>: Actually, I'm a Street Fighter Alpha.
> "Hell no, they'd beat the living daylights out of me.
ALL <singsong>: Happy Thought!
> I'm no
> pushover but I'm not in that class - I haven't had the training or the
> experience for it.
> No, I'm simply a master pilot, crack shot,
MMK <MegaZone>: Power Wave...
TBS <MZ>: Rising Tackle...
RACE <MZ>: Power Geyser...
GAVOK <MZ>: Ridiculously flamboyant superhero with the power to animate
cheese...
> and
> agent provocateur. I work for the NSA, sometimes the CIA, but I
> prefer working on Her Majesty's Secret Service.
ARL <Meg>: But you're not Brit--
RACE <Zoner>: SILENCE, designated cartoon booty!
> You could call me a freelance spy."
ARL <Zoner>: But the kids in highschool called me Stinky.
RACE: So if he was named Sluggy, would that make him Sluggy Fr--
ARL: No.
[A pause.]
ARL: Well... no.
> Meg eyed me in disbelief.
> "I'm quite serious." How would she react?
RACE: YOU MAKE THE CALL!
> "Hmm, sounds interesting."
> "I guess that's one way to look at it."
> Ah, she laughed. It was a good sign. No screaming. No
> fleeing. No backing up several feet and looking around for a cop.
> And laughter. Cute laughter. The kind of laughter that
GAVOK: --lets you eat the fries off his plate.
> reaches
> around and does a little dance up your spine.
S.D.: MegaZone was later found dead, his spine pulverized. Tragically, nobody
mentioned to him the fact that the laughter was doing the little dance on
Maniac until it was too late.
> I shivered. I wanted a
> bottle of that laugh, a big bottle, with lots of ice. And a chaser.
> And a lemon twist - no, make it a lime. With one of those little
> twisty straws. And a paper umbrella.
RACE <Squidward>: And if there's anything else you want, PLEASE hesitate to ask!
> I was going off on a tangent.
> It's possible I was out of control.
ARL: Okay, why did I just get the mental image of MegaZone rampaging
through MegaTokyo?
S.D.: Funny you should mention Zoner in MegaTokyo...
> "Is that really what you do?" she asked, having regained
> control of her lungs.
> "Honestly yes. That is really what I do. I was being a bit
> absurd, and I don't think I've actually started any wars - well,
> except... Never mind.
MMK <MegaZone>: Remember the Bay of Pigs? ME, baby!
> Yes, I'm really a spy. I do freelance work
> mostly. I fly things where they need to be flown. I don't ask too
> many questions and I charge outrageous rates. Deniability has a
> price. Trailing Edge Air Lines, when it absolutely, positively has to
> get there - wherever 'there' is. No job is too big, no -fee- is too
> big. And yes, sometimes I've had to kill people, but you never really
> enjoy that.
RACE <Zoner>: Well I did, but that was a Menudo concert and had nothing to do with my work.
> It is part of the job, a part I'd rather forget." OK,
> so, there were a few people who I would gleefully kill again, and a
> few people who weren't dead yet that I'd cheerfully make that way,
> given the opportunity.
MMK <MegaZone>: But I wouldn't enjoy it. No sir ree.
> But there was no sense in scaring her off with
> my dark, anti-heroic moral ambiguity so soon. "I hang out with
> Gryphon because I enjoy the travel, I enjoy watching the fights, and
> he needs someone to watch his back..."
> "And?"
[* ? *]
> "And... He's a damn good friend and I'd hate myself if
> anything every happened to him.
S.D.: Oh, so you're "just friends?" Tch, guys are always "just friends."
You'd feel better about it if you just came out and told each other the
truth...
> Shadolu doesn't go easy on those who
> oppose them. OK, OK, so I'm one of those sensitive new age guys. A
> crunchy shell with a soft, chewy center."
TBS <MegaZone>: I'm like a stale Cadbury egg!
MMK <MegaZone>: I'm like an overcooked biscuit!
ARL <MegaZone>: I'm like a cockroach!
S.D. <MegaZone>: I'm like a jar of Play-Doh!
> I need new metaphors.
> "That's OK. I sort of like guys like that. My dad is a lot
> like that, in an old kind of way."
> "Speaking of which... Do you parents know you go around
> transforming into a super-hero? Or is this a whoops-I've-blown-my-
> secret-identity moment? Let me guess, you needed a little extra money
> for college and you answered an ad in the paper. Next thing you knew
> you were all metallic." She looked momentarily taken aback, then she
> broke.
TBS: Wind.
MMK: Page Break strikes again!
> "Nah. Turns out my dad was an agent for the Office of
> Scientific Intelligence. He was a cyborg superspy too. We never knew
> about it. All we knew was that he was an astronaut and he had to
> travel a lot."
> Something tickled at the back of my mind that felt like the
> beginning of recognition, but I put it aside;
MMK <Freemedicalcare>: Ooh! I just had a thought. [pause] Lost it. Slippery little buggers.
> I had other things I
> needed to know. "So how did you end up like this? It certainly isn't
> genetic."
> "Well, we're all adopted anyway. But no, it isn't. We were
> on vacation when Dad was attacked.
ARL <Meg>: Mother asked us if we were bad enough dudes to save our father.
> We all got caught in the attack.
> He was fine, being bionic and all, but the rest of us went into a
> coma. The only way to save us was to bionicize all of us.
S.D. <Meg>: He said he could make us better, stronger--
RACE <Zoner>: Okay, I get it!
> That's how
> I became Rock-1."
> Wham.
RACE: Biff!
GAVOK: Socko!
TBS: Fnord!
> It all came flooding back.
GAVOK <Zoner>: And from then on out I couldn't get that "Wake me up before you Go-Go" song out of my head.
> In one dizzying blipvert
> moment I remembered the news reports, the massive fights, the Trapper
> Keeper I used to have -- the Bionic Six! The really cute one. How do
> *you* spell awkward?
TBS: R-o-l-a-i-d-s.
S.D. <darkly>: However I darn well please.
> I had a poster of her on my bedroom wall back in
> New York. In fact, it's probably still there. No, I do *not* plan on
> telling her that. Not now, anyway.
RACE <MegaZone>: Hey! I have a poster of you on my bedroom wall back in New York! In fact, it's probably still the-... oh, crap.
> "I remember you!" Not smooth. "I mean, I remember seeing
> you, the whole family, on the news. You used to fight that Shadolu
> mad scientist... Doctor whatshisname? Scallop? Scallion?
> Scaramouche? Oh what was it?"
MMK <Harry>: Samsonite!
GAVOK <Lloyd>: See, I knew it started with an S.
> She barely contained her giggles.
> Cute giggles.
> "Scarab." We had arrived at the station. We descended into
> the dark underbelly of the city.
TBS: Luckily for them, the city has an innie.
> "Right! Dr. Scarab. What ever happened to him? I haven't
> seen you guys in years."
> Ow. Looked like I hit some kind of nerve. Her face closed up
> like a bagel shop on Yom Kippur.
[* This looks like as good a spot as any to introduce the Racial Slurs Drinking Game. *]
> "He's dead," she said at length. "He tried some kind of
> ultimate superweapon of doom a few years back and it backfired.
ARL: They reversed the polarity, didn't they?
RACE: They *always* reverse the polarity!
MMK <writing on a pad of paper>: Note to self: Change superweapon to AC power.
> Last
> we saw of him and his goons they were sucked into a singularity." She
> didn't look too happy about it, considering it was the end of her
> family's nastiest arch-foe she was discussing.
> "What's wrong? You seem depressed about it." The train
> arrived. We boarded. It pulled out.
[MMK, GAVOK and S.D. open their mouths at the same time. They stop and look at each other.]
MMK: Ladies first.
S.D.: Darn. I forgot what I was going to say.
> "That was the beginning of the end. With Scarab gone we were
> sent on fewer and fewer missions.
ARL: Bob Dylan can't find his keys! We need your help!
> The government started to claim
> they didn't have work for us. Dr. Sharp was moved to some old Army
> lab with barely enough funding to keep the power on. Dr. Wells
> decided to retire. It really just sucked." Typical. The government
> used them until they were no longer useful and tossed them away like a
> used bandage. I need new similes too.
ARL <MegaZone>: They're as stale as week-old bread.
[A beat.]
ARL <MZ>: *Damn* it...
> "Then the shit hit the fan," she continued. "Oscar was
> transferred out of OSI. They replaced him with some tightassed Air
> Force officer. He proceeded to 'restructure' the OSI, pushed Steve
> and Jamie into retirement, slashed the budget. Overnight the Bionic
> Six were extraneous.
GAVOK: Oh. So they got hard outer shells like insects.
MMK: No. That's "exoskeletons."
GAVOK: Oh. Then they died off and would become fossil fuels in a million years time.
MMK: No. That's "extinct."
GAVOK: So they stopped focusing on themselves and busied themselves with others?
MMK: No. That's "extrovert."
GAVOK: Then what's "extraneous?"
MMK: It means that they had to take their liquids through a needle.
GAVOK: Oh.
[ARL grinds his teeth audibly.]
> Goodbye. Don't call us, we won't call you."
> "You were downsized!" People turned to look at us; that came
> out a bit louder that I intended. Hey, it isn't every day you find
> out even super-heroes are subject to Dilbertization.
RACE <MegaZone>: I can't wait to tell Michael Moore about THIS one.
> "Man, that
> really sucks. So, what happened to you all?"
> "Mom and Dad retired. They have enough saved up to live off
> of. Mom does some work for Woods Hole from time to time, and Dad has
> a couple of cookbooks out; he's thinking about maybe doing one of
> those afternoon cooking shows on the Discovery Channel. J.D. went off
> to find himself in the Valley of Shadows, or something like that.
TBS: How hard is it to find yourself? I mean, no matter where you go,
there you are!
GAVOK: That's why whenever I need to hide from myself I always head to
Starbucks. I'd *never* think of finding me there.
> I
> guess he got tired of racking up degrees. Eric is playing Double-A,
GAVOK: [makes two car-horn honking noises]
TBS: M-C-O
> trying to attract a scout's attention. Bunji has a budding film
> career in Hong Kong. And me... Well, I'm hoping to build some kind
> of band I guess. I don't know really. I'm sort of on autopilot. One
> day you're fighting to save the world, the next day you're unemployed
> with an uncertain future." She looked like she was fighting the urge
> to cry. At that moment I wanted to tear a bloody path through the
> administration that did this to her.
MMK <MegaZone>: But I wouldn't enjoy it. Because I don't enjoy killing. Honest.
> Which is how I knew I had fallen for her. I don't kill for
> just anyone - and hey, you didn't see that look in her eyes. At the
> moment I had more immediate concerns. What the hell, I thought; I put
> my arm around her and hugged her tight. I think this is sort of
> disturbing, but: I wasn't sure what to expect. I think somewhere in
> the back of my mind I was expecting cold steel,
ARL: You're moving too fast. Cold steel isn't until the THIRD date.
> and you know, I don't
> think I would have minded it all that much. But she was warm and
> soft, and she yielded readily.
RACE: Yeah, that's the nice part about women, they're-
S.D.: You're not speaking from experience, are you Race?
> She reminded me a great deal of myself: a strong exterior to
> face a cold, violent world. And inside,
ALL <MegaZone>: A soft, creamy center.
> the pain hides, only to come
> out late at night to remind you of the things you thought, and hoped,
> you had long forgotten. The kind of nights that made you want to go
> out and scream at the dark skies,
GAVOK: Turn that music down! We're trying to sleep down here!
> but you didn't, because you knew it
> wouldn't help. The nights when the memories drove you out into the
> relentless rain, trying to wash away the blood and the scars.
TBS: Additional writing by Ace Sanchez.
> We sat, quietly embracing, until we arrived at Park Street.
> We resumed our positions on the Red Line train, sitting in silence all
> the way to Alewife. We would have sat there longer, but that was the
> end of the line.
MMK <Janeane Garofalo>: But lines are infinite! This is a line segment! Can't I at least get a RAY of cocaine?
> "C'mon, we'd better go." The train had long since emptied.
> Boarding passengers were looking at us oddly.
RACE <passenger>: Why are those two dressed as wookies?
> "Yeah..." Her eyes were tinged with red. I had the feeling
> mine were too. They were stinging like they were.
[* Insert "bees" riff here. *]
> We strolled up to the parking garage, my arm across he
> shoulders, her arm around my waist. We reached my Suburban it what
> seemed like far too short a time, still without a word spoken. It was
> an amazingly comfortable silence.
ARL: It was easy-listening silence, the kind of silence you could hear all
day...
> I unlocked her door and as she
> slipped past me I stopped her on an impulse, gathered her into my
> arms, leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. We
> parted slightly, our eyes locked.
TBS: She must have Windows installed on her.
RACE <MegaZone>: It was time to hit her Ctrl-Alt-Delete, if you know what I mean...
> She tipped her head up and stood on
> her toes, her lips brushing mine lightly.
> "Thank you," she whispered. We parted and she climbed into the
> passenger seat, pulling the door closed.
> Have you ever had one of those moments of perfect clarity?
GAVOK: I have!
ARL: You bloody well have not!
GAVOK: Have too! For one, brief, shining moment, I knew! I knew where in the world Carmen Sandiego was!
[ARL rubs his head and groans.]
> One of those zen Hathcock moments when the bullets all slow down, and
> you can see the target frozen in your sights, and you know you have
> him?
S.D.: I played Max Payne. Does that count?
> If you haven't, you just can't know what it is like.
MMK <singing>: You don't know what it's like to be me... you don't
know what it's like to go between...
> Right then,
> at that moment, I knew I had found the woman who would be the love of
> my life. I know it sounds sentimental, maybe a bit of a retcon, but I
> swear it is true. I had known her for all of half an hour and I would
> kill for her.
MMK <MegaZone>: But I wouldn't enjoy killing for her. [pause] Well... maybe a little...
> Die for her. Do anything, say anything, endure
> anything, to see her smile.
> I shook myself free of the reverie and walked around to take
> my place behind the wheel. In unison we shared a sly smile.
> "Do you think Ben is OK?"
GAVOK <Zoner>: We'll get Terry Bogard to ask him. That's always fun!
> I glanced at my watch. "Oh yeah, he's done by now. He should
> be on his way back here."
>
> G
> So there I was, chillin' on the T. I bought a Coke out of the
> machine at Park Street, on my way from the Green Line to the Red
> Line, then lucked out and got one of the nice new silver Red Line
> trains which don't make a lot of noise and rattle out your teeth. I
> found a corner seat, kicked back and started reading again.
RACE <MegaZone>: Oh, Sam I Am, you silly fool. Don't you realize that he doesn't want your green foodstuffs?
> There were two ways I could interpret Zoner's abrupt
> departure. I could take the viewpoint that he had ditched me in a
> moment of crisis to make time with the cute girl he'd picked up at the
> music festival, and be mad at him.
S.D.: Jealous, Gryph?
> Or I could take the viewpoint that
> he had the utmost confidence in my abilities to handle the two Spanish
> ninja and had felt he could best demonstrate that confidence by not
> hovering over me constantly checking if I needed help.
> I chose the second option, not because I necessarily thought
> it was true, but because it would save me a lot of hassle later on.
> And, restored to my good humor, I plowed through another
> chapter before arriving at Alewife.
RACE <MegaZone>: Wait. If the Lorax speaks for the trees, shouldn't he have asked for plant food and water as well?
> Yup, there they were, in the Suburban. I noted with mild
> irritation that Meg had bagged my customary shotgun seat, put it down
> and climbed in back. Now was not the time for pointless bickering;
> now was the time for action!
> "I hunger," I declared.
MMK <Mr. Grimm>: ...for human flesh.
GAVOK <Gryphon, booming voice>: ...FOR THE SOULS OF THE LIVING!
ARL: Ben "Gryphon" Hutchins IS... SINISTAR!
> "Joyce Chen's."
GAVOK: Eh, good enough.
> "I've just been filling her in," said Zoner helpfully.
> "Of course you have."
> "You up for Chinese?" Zoner asked Meg.
> "Yeah, sure. Whatever you guys want, I'm easy to please."
ARL: Well, that explains why she's been hanging out with Gryph and Zoner...
RACE <Gryphon>: Phew! That's a relief then. Zoner here is hung like a nat and...
TBS <Zoner>: Dude!
> Zoner put on that sly little grin that infuriates me so. I declined
> to comment; it was too early. Not for the first time, I thanked the
> cosmic planners that human beings aren't, as a general rule, able to
> hear each other's thoughts.
GAVOK <singing with mouth closed>: Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends! Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends! Garfield and Friends!
(Everyone stares)
GAVOK: What?
> "Right then, Joyce Chen's ahoy," Zoner said as he started the
> Suburban. I've always figured they called them that because they're
> roughly the size of a New England suburb. At least Zoner hadn't
> decided on the Hummer -- he wasn't quite that Combat Carl. Not that a
> blacked out Suburban is exactly subtle.
ALL <Ninjas>: We are hedge. Move along.
> To date I've resisted the
> urge to install little American flags on the front fenders or paint
> "DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY OFFICIAL USE ONLY" on the tailgate.
> The drive was unbearably long, at -least- 3 minutes, since
> Joyce Chen's is directly across the street from the station. We
> disembarked and made our way inside.
>
> We went through the usual routine:
S.D. <Maitre'd>: For the love of GOD, will you PLEASE put some PANTS on?
> "How many?" "Three"
> "Smoking or non?" "Non" "Right this way please." I'd never make a
> good host, I'd be way too tempted to ask patrons what their quest was,
> or their favorite color, or something.
ARL: That probably stems from your complete inability to be concise in any
way, shape or form.
> Most people don't think about it, but most of the time the
> life of a street fighter, or a sometime spy, is actually pretty damn
> dull. Zoner, since he graduated college earlier that year, still
> hadn't established just what it was he'd be doing. He didn't really
> need to work, money wasn't an issue, but, as enticing as it sounds,
> just sitting around doing nothing all day gets very maddening, very
> quickly.
MMK: Three words, man: Gee. Tee. Ai.
ARL: Those are letters.
MMK: What, so letters can't be words all of a sudden? You bigot.
> I supposed he'd actually start flying regular cargo missions
> more often or something, maybe start giving instruction.
> I don't really need to worry about money either, making my
> living as I do in a rather prosaic manner: I bet on my fights. I
> don't want to seem immodest, but when you win as consistently as I
> tend to (sixty-seven wins, two losses),
GAVOK: Kinda makes you wonder how many of them were jobbers, huh?
MMK <Zoner>: And tell them who the losses were against.
TBS <Gryphon>: I'd rather not.
MMK <Zoner>: Just tell 'em. It's cute!
TBS <Gryphon>: (mutters something)
MMK <Zoner>: What was that?
TBS <Gryphon>: I SAID I LOST TO SHAQUILLE O'NEIL AND BRIAN BATTLER, NOW SHUT UP!
> that makes for a pretty
> substantial income. Occasionally governments even pay me for my part
> in our operations. I'm still not sure how I really feel about that,
> not having set out to be in the black operations field. Then again, I
> don't know what I'd be doing if not that. It certainly fills the
> time, and there have been times when, if I hadn't been present,
> Zoner's career would have come to an abrupt and painful end.
> Anyway, over the three years of my 'professional' career I've
> built up a pretty sizeable nest egg,
ARL: Oh, God.
RACE: What?
ARL: I just had the image of Gryphon flying around on a golden chocobo.
> which is sitting happily in a
> bank earning enough interest for me to live comfortably on. I spend
> most of my time training or gallivanting about with Zoner for the sake
> of the experience. Besides, good friends stick together.
ARL: These waffles are stuck together.
MMK: That's what good waffles do!
S.D.: "Good friends." Riiiiiiiight...
RACE: You're making an awful lot of yaoi comments, considering that Gryph's five-seven and three-hundred... unless you're into that-
S.D.: Finish that sentence and DIE.
> If he got
> himself offed who would fly me to my fights? Egad, I'd have to fly
> commercial. I hate flying commercial. Wedging a size 48 butt into a
> size 42 seat isn't much fun.
> "So, how'd the fight go?" Zoner inquired by way of an opening
> line.
> "Oh, the usual. That first guy I hit as you left never got
> up. Their quantity is going up but quality is going down. Henry Ford
> would never have built good ninja... you can't just crank them out.
RACE <MegaZone>: [pockets plans labeled "Model T Ninjas" and whistles innocently]
> But then, when has Spain ever mass-produced anything decent?
[* Yet another "Racial Slurs Drinking Game" opportunity. *]
> What did
> you two get up to?"
> "Oh nothing much. Meg was just telling me her story really.
> Let me fill you in..."
TBS: One Gary-Shandling-esque Time Thingie later...
> "They were downsized. I see."
> "Yeah, it really sucks," Meg chimed in.
> "Your tax dollars at work. You seem to be dealing with it OK,
> though." Zoner gave me one of those looks that said I didn't have the
> whole story, but that he couldn't talk at the moment.
MMK: Which would be Zoner Look #19, the "You don't have the whole story,
but I can't talk at the moment" look.
RACE <MegaZone>: MMMPH! MMMPH BMMMPH BMMMMMMMPH!
> (Yes, all that
> can be conveyed in a look if you know the person well enough. When
> you go through combat with someone you can get to know them rather
> well.) I wonder how much of that look came from information he really
> had, and how much of it came from his usual determination that
> -everything- had to have a darker subtext somewhere in it.
S.D. <Gryphon>: Damn it, Zoner! For the last time, the Smurfs are NOT Satan-worshipping CIA midgets that eat the flesh off of alien drug lords operating out of Graceland!
> "I've had some time to deal with it, but I'm still kind of
> numb. There are days that I expect to get called into the SPL. Or
> I'm watching the news and I feel like I should be there helping out.
> You spend a major part of your life fighting the good fight and then
> they tell you to quit cold turkey. Hell, I'm not even supposed to
> appear in public as Rock-1.
GAVOK: So she can't wear blue armor and fight against Dr. Wily.
MMK: That's "Rockman," Gavok.
GAVOK: Oh. Then she can't become an American cable station that plays classic/soft rock.
MMK: That's "VH1," Gavok.
GAVOK: Then she can't hold concerts and sing "American Badass."
MMK: That's "Kid Rock," Gavok.
GAVOK: Then who's Rock-1?
[* Damn. I can't think of a good closer. ;_; *]
> Some bogus security restriction or
> something. For that matter I shouldn't be telling either of you all
> of this. I have no idea why I'm doing it."
> Zoner got that amused look of his. "Don't worry about it,
> happens all the time. People meet me, give me their life story, and
> then look confused because all they meant to do was say 'hi, nice day
> isn't it?'
RACE: Maybe they've got Auras of Exposition.
> Besides, you couldn't pick a better pair to tell.
MMK: Unless you talk to pants.
> We keep
> our secrets, and I just might be able to help you out."
> Uh-oh. Zoner was having an Idea with a capital 'I' and that's
> what "I have a problem" starts with.
> "What do you mean?"
> "Well, so the OSI is basically history. Poof, gone. But!
GAVOK <Kin Korn Karn>: It does not have! MONGOLIAN CHOP!
> There are plenty of other agencies out there with black budgets.
> After all, they have to pay people like me. I'm sure I can help find
> you a position with one of them. If you're interested, of course."
> I knew what Zoner was interested in. I shouldn't say that --
> to be fair, he can be a fairly altruistic person -- but you didn't
> have to be Sherlock Holmes to tell he had an interest in her.
GAVOK <MegaZone>: Man, I'd love to put my hand upon your little sexy ass and squeeze. And squeeeeeeeeeeeze!
> Then
> again, she didn't seem to mind, and I couldn't particularly fault him
> for it.
> He looked at me as if he expected me to join in, so I did.
> "Sure, let's see. There's NSA, CIA, MI-5, MI-6, IMF, FBI, ATF,
> Mossad, SAS, SBS, Secret Service, GSG9, Spectrum, Interpol, UNIT,
> UNCLE, CONTROL, DEA, NASA, NACA... "
> I was starting to build up steam.
> "...TVA, WPA, SSA, FCC, FAA, NTSB, ICC, MBTA, BART, PBS, CBS, AFL-CIO,
> AT&T, ITT, MCI, IBM... " I seemed out of control by this time, but I
> knew what I was doing. "...NBC, ABC, OSS, MTV, VH-1, A&E, TLC, KFC,
> KLF, NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, NHRA, CART, NASCAR, W3O, OSF, FSF, SCO, Ext2,
> HPFS, CCITT, ITU-T, IETF, BGP(4)... "
RACE <Gryphon>: At this point, I just started banging my head in the keyboard.
> Now I was just being silly.
> "...RIPv2, OSPF, ISIS, VLSM, BRI, PRI, SPID, TEI, B8ZS, AMI, TCP, UDP,
> ICMP, SPX, NCSA, RADIUS, TACACS, ACP... " Zoner was gasping for air
> and waving for me to stop. Meg looked both amused and confused.
> "...EIEIO."
> That was all it took; Zoner nearly fell out of his chair. Meg
> mildly injured herself snarfing green tea.
RACE: Crossing over to other cheesy 80s cartoons.
> That was not my intention.
> I felt bad.
> "Are you OK?" I asked.
GAVOK <MegaZone>: Yeah, I'm-
MMK <Gryphon>: BUSTA WORLFF!!
[MMK punches GAVOK in the arm, who oversells and flies across the theater. A long silence follows, with the others staring at at him.]
MMK: What?
ARL: ...did you just do something *besides* an "it doesn't matter" in response to a question?
MMK: Well, yeah.
TBS: The MMK I know would *never* do that...
MMK: Yeah, well, I'm trying to branch out, and-
[TBS pulls out a towel and points it threateningly at MMK.]
TBS: Who are you, and what have you done with the MMK??
[MMK pulls a mask off of his face, revealing GAVOK. Meanwhile, THE OTHER
GAVOK gets up and walks back to his seat. TBS looks at GAVOK, then at
THE OTHER GAVOK, and blinks.]
TBS: ...
S.D.: Ohhh-kay...
RACE: ...what the hell?
ARL: Dear sweet merciful crap, there's *two* of them.
[THE OTHER GAVOK grins and pulls a mask off of his face, revealing MMK. He
^_^s]
MMK: Gotcha.
[I am really, truly sorry for this... -RoP]
[I'm cool with it. Sorry for cutting out the mass "Buster Wolf!" cry, but I liked this Loon moment better. -z]
> "Yeah." *cough* "I'm fine. Boy, that really clears your head.
> I don't recommend it though."
> We both paused to observe Zoner gasping like a fish. (Odd
> expression, that, because when you come down to it a fish gasping
> isn't really like a person gasping at all...) I was just biding my
> time. He regained most of his composure and sipped some water to calm
> things. I struck.
TBS: "When Gryphons Attack," coming up next on FOX!
> "Booger."
> Zoner's cheeks immediately puffed as he fought to restrain the
> water now trapped by the air that wanted to escape. He looked
> remarkably helpless. What was going through his mind? Do I spew
> water all over the table in front of this remarkably cute woman I've
> only know for an hour? Is it any cooler to choke to death on water?
GAVOK <MegaZone>: How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll tootsie pop?
ARL <MegaZone>: What would Jesus do?
> How long can I hold my breath anyway? By this time his lungs were
> aching for air and he had to do something.
S.D.: Megazone stars in... "The Poseidon Adventure!"
> I'm sure it didn't help to
> have Meg and I watching him like hawks on nitrous.
> In the end he managed to force the water down the right pipe
> and dragged in the overdue breath. I think my ears popped from the
> pressure drop. It was priceless. Ah, what are friends for?
> "That was really cruel, Gryph," he croaked.
> "I know."
> "I hate you."
> "I'm aware of that."
MMK <MegaZone>: I'm going to kill you. [pause] But I won't enjoy it.
> Meg was trying to hide her giggles behind her hand. It was
> working about as well as you'd expect.
> "But," I reminded him, "it's worth it; by making you look like
> a fool I've achieved temporary pack dominance."
> Meg's giggles became slightly more pronounced. "You guys are
> great."
RACE <Gryphon>: You're not saying that just because we're writing you
that way, are you?
> "We try," we stereoed.
> "I was serious, you know." Trust Zoner to snap the
> conversation back to an old track. Sometimes he answers questions you
> asked him hours ago and thought he ignored or didn't hear.
> "I don't know," said Meg, ambivalent.
> "Well, think about it."
> "(Think about it.)"
[ALL blink and look around.]
RACE: Do the acoustics in this place seem a little off to you?
ARL: There's a little bit of an echo, if that's what you mean...
> "Think about it," Zoner finished. "I'm serious, I'd like to
> help out if I can. From what you've told me it seems like everyone
> else is dealing because they have things to occupy them. Maybe you
> were just cut out for the heroine's part." Zoner ignored my rolling
> eyes. He can really be corny sometimes. I busied myself with the
> placemat. That was unsatisfactory. I hate those placemats,
GAVOK <Gryphon>: They MOCK me.
> they
> remind me that I was born in the year of the Ox, an animal
> uncomfortably close to being a bison. That doesn't sit well with me.
> Maybe I'm paranoid. Still, it beat listening to Child of the Corn
> over there.
> "Thanks. That's very nice."
> "Think nothing of it, m'lady."
> That was too much. You haven't seen cheese until you've seen
> Zoner's moves.
TBS <Zoner>: HYPER VIPER BEAM!
> It's like watching "Shaft's Big Score!" back to back
> with "Master Ninja." It hurts. Deep down inside, it hurts.
RACE: They've got some nice theme songs, though.
> I had to
> so something fast, or I'd lose my humanity.
> "Sooo..." I clapped my hands together. "What d'you guys
> want?"
> "Hmm? Oh, -food-. Right." Zoner had obviously first thought
> of something else, but I wasn't touching that.
> "I don't know, what do you guys recommend?"
> I pitched my voice down into the Barry White range. "Meat."
ARL <MegaZone>: You're a vegetarian.
GAVOK <Gryphon>: [high-pitched voice] ...celery?
> "Gryph is a real carnivore. Personally I have no idea, I've
> only been here a couple of times before."
> "Well," I said, drawing on my equally limited experience with
> this particular restaurant, "the noodle buffet is a way to get lots of
> food for cheap. The chicken fingers rock. And the orange beef is
> good. Other than that, you're on your own."
> So we studied the menus for a while and did that classic
> "group of people go out for Chinese and try to decide on dishes they
> all like so they can share" debate.
TBS: It's funnier when Abbot and Costello do it.
> (This is especially entertaining
> when the debate involves one or more especially weak-willed persons.
MMK: ...but it's a lot more fun when you're with strong-willed ones!
GAVOK: Like that time when were at Double M's, and we broke half a dozen tables and nearly every chair in the place arguing over what pizza toppings we wanted?
MMK: Greatest. Lunch. *Ever.*
GAVOK: IN-DEED.
> Not a problem this particular evening.) But within five minutes we
> had settled on an order. I filled Meg in on my story while we waited
> for the food. I figured I knew Zoner's, Zoner knew mine, Zoner knew
> Meg's, I knew Meg's, Meg knew Zoner's,
ARL: But if Zoner knew Zoner's, and Grypon knew Meg's, then how did Meg know Meg's when Zoner knew...
[Something in ARL's head makes a loud popping noise.]
GAVOK: Ouchie.
RACE: Poor guy.
> so, for symmetry's sake, I
> should complete the loop. Besides, I'm not much of a man of mystery,
> though I kept back a few of the more private bits. Later, perhaps, if
> and when I knew her better.
RACE <Gryphon>: And then she'd see my private bits, if you get my drift.