Ghostbusters quotes, deadly ninja bees, and NESTS clones of wrestlers...
by
========
> Eyrie Productions, Unlimited
> presents
MMK: Final Fight's Guy getting hit by a football!
> A Third Universe from the Right Production
> of a
> Straight On Till Morning Film
ARL: Brought to you by Mind's Eye Theater.
> STREET FIGHTER: WARRIOR'S LEGACY
???: I tried loading a warrior on my computer, but it turned out that it was too old, and I ended up having to download some files to support it.
ARL: Oh really? What kind of files?
???: Warrior's legacy drivers.
[ALL groan.]
[Botched computer jokes? Check...]
> BATTLE 03: RAPPROCHEMENT
GAVOK: I'm not Rapprochement.
> Benjamin D. Hutchins
> MegaZone
RACE: The Coreys of the fanfiction world.
> Fight choreographer for Mr. Hoshi:
> Kris Overstreet
S.D.: Is it a name or directions?
> with the gracious assistance of The Usual Suspects
GAVOK: Old McDonald had a fic. E-I-E-I-O. And in this fic he shot some guys.
> (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited
>
> The one Spaniard I had hit was still on the ground, and showed
> no signs of an imminent return to consciousness.
???: E's not dead, e's just resting.
RACE: You know, it's funny he didn't say "Return to his senses", what with him being a Spanish Ninja and all... [He looks around] I'll just be quiet now.
ARL: Please.
> The other one,
> however, was holding my attention fairly well on his own;
> he was fast,
> and I had to concentrate to keep from getting skewered by that silly
> sword of his.
???: Silly Spaniard and your silly sword.
ARL: What's so silly about it? Does Gryphon's skin turn aside sword blades as if they were drops of rain?... Wait, what am I saying? Of course it does.
> Not too long ago,
???: In a galaxy not too far away.
> I stepped right into the arc of one
> of those and took it away from its owner, but I was pretty drunk at
> the time.
ARL: Wow. He just retroactively booked that chick from Chapter One as being even *less* competent.
RACE: It's impressive.
ARL: Really?
RACE: Fuck no, dude. I'm being polite.
> Sober, I wasn't sure if I could do it.
S.D.: Does Gryphon need B33R in order to unlock his true powers?
RACE: I don't care, as long as he doesn't have l33t n3kkid skillz.
TBS: Try it anyway. If you screw up, hey, you can always send it to Worcester's Funniest Home Videos.
> I ducked to one
> side and weaved back as the swordsman lunged at me, once, twice,
MMK <singing>: Three times a lady...
> again, gathering my concentration and pushing the energy into my left
> forearm. From the elbow down, that arm began to glow with a soft blue
> radiance,
ARL: Gryph must be a big hit at candy raves.
> and in another second or so, Senor Ninja was going to ride
> the lightning.
S.D. <Smiling broadly>: Huzzah!
RACE: ... bad Shady, bad.
TBS: Pregnant women and people with heart conditions should not ride the lightning.
MMK <singing>: Flash before my eyes, now it's time to die, burning in my
brain, I can feel the flames...
> That's when he feinted left and then slashed at me. The
> reaction patterns of the Icon of Stone took over
ARL <Gryphon>: And I dropped like a rock.
> from my conscious
> aversion to sharp metal objects,
???: Which is a long-winded way of saying "Ben runs with scissors"
> and again I stepped inside its arc,
> driving my upraised left forearm against the flat of the blade to push
> it out of position.
MMK: Good thing the Spaniard didn't think to twist his wrist slightly.
> The theory here was that, having accomplished
> that, I'd hold the blade away with my left and punch the guy with my
> right,
ARL: ...you know, I never realized how goofy the action in 2D fighting games would be until I saw it written out here.
[RACE, GAVOK, MMK, and TBS all mutter something that sounds like "Sorge."]
> but that turned out not to be necessary.
ARL <other Spainard>: Here. Let me punch myself out for you.
S.D. <Gryphon>: How kind.
> The moment my arm, which was still flared, touched the blade,
> there was a sharp SNAP, and my arm and hand tingled just as if I had
> thrown the Psycho Lightning I'd been preparing.
RACE <sotto voce>: The tingle tells you it's working.
> The ninja stood bolt
> upright, surprise in his eyes melting to incomprehension and then
> flickering out entirely as he slumped over backward.
S.D.: I do that whenever I see a David Lynch movie.
GAVOK: So is *that* an Electric Boogaloo?
> Little jolts of
> blue energy kept playing over his sword and his right arm for a couple
> of seconds as I looked down at him.
RACE <Gryphon>: So be it, Jedi.
ARL: Hey! You just decked Alex Rovias! You bastard!
[I'm kinda riding the line between obscure and pointless, here.]
[Isn't that the point? -RoP]
> Hmm.
MMK <rubbing his chin>: Hmmm... Hmmm! HMMMM!
GAVOK: Blah. [Gavok's head falls off]
> It never did -that- before.
ARL: Did he just accidentally discover *another* technique?
> People have compared my
> flare effect to an electric shock, which was what led me to develop
> the Psycho Lightning's look, but metal never conducted it before.
S.D. <Gryphon>: Funny. Psycho Lightning doesn't conduct metal at our house...
> Apparently while I had been working to make it look and act more like
> electricity, I had been doing better than I thought!
ARL: So it's possible to control the properties of one's INCREDIBUL CHEE
POWURZ simply through force of will...
TBS: So theoretically, one could have a cheese danish chi blast?
ARL: Well, if you want to go by Ben's logic, then technically, yes.
TBS: I see.
[TBS pulls out a notebook, writes something down, then resumes watching the
'fic.]
> This bore
> further investigation, but right now I was thirsty
???: So first a drink, then we explode the deeper meaning of life.
> and wanted to get
> out of here before Sancho and Pancho woke up.
RACE <Gryphon>: Did I forget to mention that they were wearing giant sombreros and sitting against a wall?
> When I turned around, I saw that Zoner and Meg were long gone;
???: They got while the getting was good.
RACE <Zoner, whispering>: I think we might have lost him---
TBS <Gryphon>: Hey, guys?! Where are you! I thought the party was just getting started!
S.D. <Meg>: [Screams] He's coming!
RACE <Zoner>: Run!
> my jacket was hanging from a fire escape. I can't say that came as a
> great surprise.
RACE: Oh, leather jacket! You wacky funster!
> Reclaiming my jacket, I dropped one of my calling
> cards (the one with just the recursive G arrow)
GAVOK <Gryphon>: Because even though you're unconscious and badly beaten, you *still* probably pay too much for long distance.
> on one of the ninja (does it matter which?)
S.D.: Yes, oh heavens YES! How will I live my life without knowing on which
ninja Ben left his card??
> and continued on my way to the T, mopping at
> my forehead with the tail of my outer shirt. I wondered if the fact
> that it took two Spanish ninja and a sunny August afternoon to make me
> break a sweat would go to my head.
GAVOK: Some ninja... they didn't even wail.
> MZ
> "Will he be all right?" Meg asked, concerned. She was cute
> when she was concerned. OK, well, cuter.
S.D.: You know, to extrapolate from the Hutchinsverse lore I gained by watching "Hopelessly Lost," he's still technically cheating on Yuri *and* Sylia here.
RACE: He's just *looking*.
S.D.: Chapter ain't over yet, man.
RACE: ...point.
> She deactivated her bionics
> as we walked and returned to her street clothes.
> "He'll be fine. Two ninjas are nothing for Gryphon.
MMK: Two vikings, though, watch out.
> He's a
> street fighter, you see. I guess I should fill you in --
RACE <Zoner>: --no, up--no, I mean *in*! OH! Naughty Zoner! [slaps self]
> you want the
> long version up front or would you rather have the Cliff Notes now and
> I can fill in the blanks later?"
MMK <Zoner>: Either way, you ain't gonna believe *any* of this shit.
> I was hoping she'd choose Cliff Notes;
ARL: So were we.
> I couldn't wait to hear -her- story.
> "Well... I... Cliff Notes." Bingo.
[ALL throw Bingo cards up in the air and grumble in dissatisfaction.]
RACE: I was [holds up his pointer finger] ONE number away!
> "OK. Gryphon is a street fighter working his way up the ranks
> of the World Circuit Martial Arts Tournament Authority so that he may
> eventually bring down Shadolu, the Southeast-Asian organized crime
> syndicate.
S.D. <Meg>: ...
RACE <Zoner>: ...actually, he owns a dojo and he had a taser.
S.D. <Meg>: That's more like it.
> M. Bison, head of the whole shebang, uses his style and
> has tried to kill his master a few times.
ARL: Gryphon tried to kill his master a few times?
GAVOK <Gryphon>: Hey. Wake up, asshole.
MMK <Gryphon's master>: [sleepily] Whaaaat?
GAVOK <Gryphon>: You ate my fucking schnitzel.
MMK <Gryphon's master>: What?
GAVOK <Gryphon>: You ate my fucking schnitzel!
MMK <Gryphon's master>: Well... it was in there! And if it's in there, then it's fair game.
GAVOK <Gryphon>: Then maybe this is fair game! HOO-WAH!
[GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.]
MMK <Gryphon's master>: OW!
GAVOK <Gryphon>: You like that? That's right. That's a karate chop! HEE-YAH!
[GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.]
MMK <Gryphon's master>: Jeez!
GAVOK <Gryphon>: KEE-AI!
[GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.]
MMK <Gryphon's master>: OW!
> Those ninjas work for one
> of the higher-ups in Shadolu
S.D.: Ricky Martin.
> and..."
> "Wait.
ARL <Meg>: I'm supposed to believe a story like this when a guy named "Zoner" is telling it?
> Ninjas? I thought ninjas wore black pajamas and
> carried little short swords -- you know, like the guy in 'Shinobi'."
> "Well, yes. But these were Spanish ninjas."
S.D. <Meg>: Okay, then. Like the Shinobi-lleros.
???: So would, say Australian ninjas wear slouch hats, thongs and carry boomerangs?
> "I... umm... see." I could tell by the look in her eyes that
> she was actually rather confused. It made her look even cuter.
ARL: Warrior's Legacy! The story that *dares* to tell you, "Hey, Meg's cute."
RACE: The real bitch of this is that "Bionic Six" was a Robotech-era cartoon. Meg looked like a guy with tits.
[Not too sure what you mean there, the girls in Robotech defitely looked like Girls - Rick who should know.]
> Technically, I don't know how that is possible, but there it was.
MMK: Well, then, there it is.
> "Don't worry, it will all become less clear as we go on.
ARL: No kidding.
> Now
> then, enough about him, let's talk about me." I said with a jaunty
> grin and an 80's tone.
RACE: Not talking about Ben... is that allowed?
> I could tell she related.
> "You're a street fighter too?"
MMK <Zoner>: Actually, I'm a Street Fighter Alpha.
> "Hell no, they'd beat the living daylights out of me.
ALL <singsong>: Happy Thought!
> I'm no
> pushover but I'm not in that class - I haven't had the training or the
> experience for it.
> No, I'm simply a master pilot, crack shot,
MMK <MegaZone>: Power Wave...
TBS <MZ>: Rising Tackle...
RACE <MZ>: Power Geyser...
GAVOK <MZ>: Ridiculously flamboyant superhero with the power to animate
cheese...
> and
> agent provocateur. I work for the NSA, sometimes the CIA, but I
> prefer working on Her Majesty's Secret Service.
ARL <Meg>: But you're not Brit--
RACE <Zoner>: SILENCE, designated cartoon booty!
> You could call me a freelance spy."
ARL <Zoner>: But the kids in highschool called me Stinky.
RACE: So if he was named Sluggy, would that make him Sluggy Fr--
ARL: No.
[A pause.]
ARL: Well... no.
> Meg eyed me in disbelief.
> "I'm quite serious." How would she react?
RACE: YOU MAKE THE CALL!
> "Hmm, sounds interesting."
> "I guess that's one way to look at it."
> Ah, she laughed. It was a good sign. No screaming. No
> fleeing. No backing up several feet and looking around for a cop.
> And laughter. Cute laughter. The kind of laughter that
GAVOK: --lets you eat the fries off of its plate.
> reaches
> around and does a little dance up your spine.
S.D.: MegaZone was later found dead, his spine pulverized. Tragically, nobody
mentioned to him the fact that the laughter was doing the little dance on
Maniac until it was too late.
> I shivered. I wanted a
> bottle of that laugh, a big bottle, with lots of ice. And a chaser.
> And a lemon twist - no, make it a lime. With one of those little
> twisty straws. And a paper umbrella.
ARL: Okay... this is starting to disturb me.
RACE <Squidward>: And if there's anything else you want, PLEASE hesitate to ask!
> I was going off on a tangent.
> It's possible I was out of control.
ARL: Okay, why did I just get the mental image of MegaZone rampaging
through MegaTokyo?
S.D.: Funny you should mention Zoner in MegaTokyo...
> "Is that really what you do?" she asked, having regained
> control of her lungs.
???: She did a buy-out of most of the major shareholders.
> "Honestly yes. That is really what I do. I was being a bit
> absurd, and I don't think I've actually started any wars - well,
> except... Never mind.
MMK <MegaZone>: Remember the Bay of Pigs? ME, baby!
> Yes, I'm really a spy.
TBS: He's a world-famous secret agent!
GAVOK <Guard>: Hey, aren't you Megazone?
MMK <Zoner>: [Smiles] Why, yes I am!
GAVOK <Guard>: Wow! I'm a big fan!
MMK <Zoner>: Really?
GAVOK <Guard>: My kids aren't going to believe me when I tell them I saw you at work today! Can I have your autograph? Please!
MMK <Zoner>: [Mimes signing something] Here you go. Tell them hi for me, won't you?
GAVOK <Guard>: [Take it back] Sure thing Megazone!
MMK <Zoner>: It was nice meeting you. [Turn around and starts walking away]
GAVOK <Guard>: I'm really sorry about this, but I'm still going to have to shoot you.
MMK <Zoner>: Well... crap.
> I do freelance work
> mostly. I fly things where they need to be flown. I don't ask too
> many questions and I charge outrageous rates.
???: So next time you need to get weapons-grade Plutonium out of the country and it has to be there without those bothersome customs officials getting in your way, Zoner's your man!
> Deniability has a
> price. Trailing Edge Air Lines, when it absolutely, positively has to
> get there - wherever 'there' is. No job is too big, no -fee- is too
> big.
[Isn't he 'borrowing' this line off of Ghostbusters? I'm sure I remember Peter saying that. I'm sure that deserves some small form of tribute here... - Alair]
S.D. <Meg>: You don't act like a spy.
RACE <Zoner>: They're kind of stiff.
S.D. <Meg>: You're more like a game show host?
[Failing that, there's always the complimentary line:]
RACE <Venkman>: Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
> And yes, sometimes I've had to kill people, but you never really
> enjoy that.
RACE <Zoner>: Well I did, but that was a Menudo concert and had nothing to do with my work.
GAVOK <Zoner>: There was that time I crash landed my plane into the orphanage, but I *really* had to go and I didn't enjoy it, not one little bit!
> It is part of the job, a part I'd rather forget."
TBS <Zoner>: In fact, what job? Who are you? Who am I?
S.D. <Meg>: I'm Meg. You're Zoner.
TBS <Zoner>: Hi Meg, I'm Zoner!
> OK,
> so, there were a few people who I would gleefully kill again, and a
> few people who weren't dead yet that I'd cheerfully make that way,
> given the opportunity.
MMK <MegaZone>: But I wouldn't enjoy it. No sir ree.
> But there was no sense in scaring her off with
> my dark, anti-heroic moral ambiguity so soon.
???: Scaring her off? Heck, say "bub" every few words and you're a best seller.
> "I hang out with
> Gryphon because I enjoy the travel, I enjoy watching the fights, and
S.D. <Zoner>: --- the vibrantly romantic sunsets, arm in arm, side by side...
> he needs someone to watch his back..."
> "And?"
[* ? *]
> "And... He's a damn good friend and I'd hate myself if
> anything every happened to him.
S.D.: Oh, so you're "just friends?" Tch, guys are always "just friends."
You'd feel better about it if you just came out and told each other the
truth...
> Shadolu doesn't go easy on those who
> oppose them. OK, OK, so I'm one of those sensitive new age guys. A
> crunchy shell with a soft, chewy center."
TBS <MegaZone>: I'm like a stale Cadbury egg!
MMK <MegaZone>: I'm like an overcooked biscuit!
ARL <MegaZone>: I'm like a cockroach!
S.D. <MegaZone>: I'm like a jar of Play-Doh!
> I need new metaphors.
> "That's OK. I sort of like guys like that. My dad is a lot
> like that, in an old kind of way."
> "Speaking of which... Do you parents know you go around
> transforming into a super-hero?
??? <Meg>: They've got nothing against it as long as I'm home before ten.
> Or is this a whoops-I've-blown-my-
> secret-identity moment? Let me guess, you needed a little extra money
> for college and you answered an ad in the paper. Next thing you knew
> you were all metallic." She looked momentarily taken aback, then she
> broke.
TBS: Wind.
MMK: Page Break strikes again!
> "Nah. Turns out my dad was an agent for the Office of
> Scientific Intelligence.
ALL: SCIENCE!
> He was a cyborg superspy too. We never knew
> about it. All we knew was that he was an astronaut and he had to
> travel a lot."
> Something tickled at the back of my mind that felt like the
> beginning of recognition, but I put it aside;
MMK <Freemedicalcare>: Ooh! I just had a thought. [pause] Lost it. Slippery little buggers.
> I had other things I
> needed to know. "So how did you end up like this? It certainly isn't
> genetic."
??? <Meg>: Actually, it was. Dad was a cyborg spy, mum was a toaster overn.
> "Well, we're all adopted anyway. But no, it isn't. We were
> on vacation when Dad was attacked.
ARL <Meg>: Mother asked us if we were bad enough dudes to save our father.
GAVOK: From evil Turkish Ninjas?
ARL: ... sure, why not?
> We all got caught in the attack.
> He was fine, being bionic and all, but the rest of us went into a
> coma. The only way to save us was to bionicize all of us.
S.D. <Meg>: He said he could make us better, stronger--
RACE <Zoner>: Okay, I get it!
> That's how
> I became Rock-1."
> Wham.
RACE: Biff!
GAVOK: Socko!
TBS: Fnord!
S.D. <Meg>: Did you like that? ... because here comes Rock-2! [She smacks her fist against her palm and mutters] Did you really expect me to buy that whole 'Spanish Ninja' story?
> It all came flooding back.
GAVOK <Zoner>: And from then on out I couldn't get that "Wake me up before you Go-Go" song out of my head.
> In one dizzying blipvert
> moment I remembered the news reports, the massive fights, the Trapper
> Keeper I used to have -- the Bionic Six! The really cute one. How do
> *you* spell awkward?
TBS: R-o-l-a-i-d-s.
S.D. <darkly>: However I darn well please.
> I had a poster of her on my bedroom wall back in
> New York. In fact, it's probably still there. No, I do *not* plan on
> telling her that. Not now, anyway.
RACE <MegaZone>: Hey! I have a poster of you on my bedroom wall back in New York! In fact, it's probably still the-... oh, crap.
> "I remember you!" Not smooth. "I mean, I remember seeing
> you, the whole family, on the news. You used to fight that Shadolu
> mad scientist...
???: So in Ben's little world, every villain workes for Bison?
???: It makes about as much sense as Shredder's Zombie working for Gannon, or Iczer-2 for Largo, I guess.
> Doctor whatshisname? Scallop? Scallion?
> Scaramouche? Oh what was it?"
MMK <Harry>: Samsonite!
GAVOK <Lloyd>: See, I knew it started with an S.
> She barely contained her giggles.
> Cute giggles.
> "Scarab." We had arrived at the station. We descended into
> the dark underbelly of the city.
TBS: Luckily for them, the city has an innie.
> "Right! Dr. Scarab. What ever happened to him? I haven't
> seen you guys in years."
> Ow. Looked like I hit some kind of nerve. Her face closed up
> like a bagel shop on Yom Kippur.
[* This looks like as good a spot as any to introduce the Racial Slurs Drinking Game. *]
> "He's dead," she said at length. "He tried some kind of
> ultimate superweapon of doom a few years back and it backfired.
ARL: They reversed the polarity, didn't they?
RACE: They *always* reverse the polarity!
MMK <writing on a pad of paper>: Note to self: Change superweapon to AC power.
> Last
> we saw of him and his goons they were sucked into a singularity."
???: Singualrities suck.
[I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me - Rick R.]
> She
> didn't look too happy about it, considering it was the end of her
> family's nastiest arch-foe she was discussing.
> "What's wrong? You seem depressed about it." The train
> arrived. We boarded. It pulled out.
[MMK, GAVOK and S.D. open their mouths at the same time. They stop and look at each other.]
MMK: Ladies first.
S.D.: Darn. I forgot what I was going to say.
> "That was the beginning of the end. With Scarab gone we were
> sent on fewer and fewer missions.
ARL: Bob Dylan can't find his keys! We need your help!
MMK: The world is running out of potato chips! This looks like a job for the Bionic Six!
> The government started to claim
> they didn't have work for us. Dr. Sharp was moved to some old Army
> lab with barely enough funding to keep the power on. Dr. Wells
> decided to retire. It really just sucked." Typical. The government
> used them until they were no longer useful and tossed them away like a
> used bandage. I need new similes too.
ARL <MegaZone>: They're as stale as week-old bread.
[A beat.]
ARL <MegaZone>: *Damn* it...
> "Then the shit hit the fan," she continued. "Oscar was
> transferred out of OSI. They replaced him with some tightassed Air
> Force officer.
> He proceeded to 'restructure' the OSI, pushed Steve
> and Jamie into retirement, slashed the budget. Overnight the Bionic
> Six were extraneous.
GAVOK: Oh. So they got hard outer shells like insects.
MMK: No. That's "exoskeletons."
GAVOK: Oh. Then they died off and would become fossil fuels in a million years time.
MMK: No. That's "extinct."
GAVOK: So they stopped focusing on themselves and busied themselves with others?
MMK: No. That's "extrovert."
GAVOK: Then what's "extraneous?"
MMK: It means that they had to take their liquids through a needle.
GAVOK: Oh.
[ARL grinds his teeth audibly.]
> Goodbye. Don't call us, we won't call you."
> "You were downsized!" People turned to look at us; that came
> out a bit louder that I intended. Hey, it isn't every day you find
> out even super-heroes are subject to Dilbertization.
RACE <MegaZone>: I can't wait to tell Michael Moore about THIS one.
> "Man, that
> really sucks. So, what happened to you all?"
> "Mom and Dad retired. They have enough saved up to live off
> of. Mom does some work for Woods Hole from time to time, and Dad has
> a couple of cookbooks out; he's thinking about maybe doing one of
> those afternoon cooking shows on the Discovery Channel. J.D. went off
> to find himself in the Valley of Shadows, or something like that.
TBS: How hard is it to find yourself? I mean, no matter where you go,
there you are!
GAVOK: That's why whenever I need to hide from myself I always head to
Starbucks. I'd *never* think of finding me there.
MMK: How is he going to be able to find himself in the Valley of Shadows? It sounds like its probably *really* dark!
> I
> guess he got tired of racking up degrees. Eric is playing Double-A,
GAVOK: [makes two car-horn honking noises]
TBS: M-C-O
> trying to attract a scout's attention.
[RACE <Eric> snaps his fingers and winks suggestively at S.D.]
RACE <Eric>: Hey baby... did I ever tell you I used to be a superhero?
S.D. <Sailor Jupiter>: ... why are you following us?
> Bunji has a budding film
> career in Hong Kong. And me... Well, I'm hoping to build some kind
> of band I guess. I don't know really. I'm sort of on autopilot. One
> day you're fighting to save the world, the next day you're unemployed
> with an uncertain future." She looked like she was fighting the urge
> to cry. At that moment I wanted to tear a bloody path through the
> administration that did this to her.
MMK <MegaZone>: But I wouldn't enjoy it. Because I don't enjoy killing. Honest.
> Which is how I knew I had fallen for her. I don't kill for
> just anyone - and hey, you didn't see that look in her eyes. At the
> moment I had more immediate concerns.
??? <Zoner>: Where can I get an outfit like hers?
> What the hell, I thought; I put
> my arm around her and hugged her tight. I think this is sort of
> disturbing, but: I wasn't sure what to expect. I think somewhere in
> the back of my mind I was expecting cold steel,
ARL: You're moving too fast. Cold steel isn't until the THIRD date.
> and you know, I don't
> think I would have minded it all that much. But she was warm and
> soft, and she yielded readily.
RACE: Yeah, that's the nice part about women, they're-
S.D.: You're not speaking from experience, are you Racey?
> She reminded me a great deal of myself: a strong exterior to
> face a cold, violent world. And inside,
ALL <MegaZone>: A soft, creamy center.
> the pain hides, only to come
> out late at night to remind you of the things you thought, and hoped,
> you had long forgotten. The kind of nights that made you want to go
> out and scream at the dark skies,
GAVOK: Turn that music down! We're trying to sleep down here!
MMK: The kind of nights that made you grow fur on every spot of your body and howl at the moon... wait, that's werewolves, my bad.
> but you didn't, because you knew it
> wouldn't help.
TBS: Plus, the neighbors have a tendency to complain.
> The nights when the memories drove you out into the
> relentless rain, trying to wash away the blood and the scars.
TBS: Additional writing by Ace Sanchez.
> We sat, quietly embracing, until we arrived at Park Street.
> We resumed our positions on the Red Line train, sitting in silence all
> the way to Alewife. We would have sat there longer, but that was the
> end of the line.
MMK <Janeane Garofalo>: But lines are infinite! This is a line segment! Can't I at least get a RAY of cocaine?
> "C'mon, we'd better go." The train had long since emptied.
> Boarding passengers were looking at us oddly.
RACE <passenger>: Why are those two dressed as wookies?
> "Yeah..." Her eyes were tinged with red. I had the feeling
> mine were too. They were stinging like they were.
TBS: That's probably because you were being attacked BY THE BEES!! THE DEADLY NINJA BEES!! AHHHH!!
[ARL slaps TBS upside the head.]
TBS: Thank you.
ARL: No problem.
[* Insert "bees" riff here. *]
[That good?]
> We strolled up to the parking garage, my arm across he
> shoulders, her arm around my waist. We reached my Suburban it what
> seemed like far too short a time, still without a word spoken. It was
> an amazingly comfortable silence.
ARL: It was easy-listening silence, the kind of silence you could hear all
day...
> I unlocked her door and as she
> slipped past me I stopped her on an impulse, gathered her into my
> arms, leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. We
> parted slightly, our eyes locked.
TBS: She must have Windows installed on her.
RACE <MegaZone>: It was time to hit her Ctrl-Alt-Delete, if you know what I mean...
> She tipped her head up and stood on
> her toes, her lips brushing mine lightly.
> "Thank you," she whispered. We parted and she climbed into the
> passenger seat, pulling the door closed.
> Have you ever had one of those moments of perfect clarity?
GAVOK: I have!
ARL: You bloody well have not!
GAVOK: Have too! For one, brief, shining moment, I knew! I knew where in the world Carmen Sandiego was!
[ARL rubs his head and groans.]
> One of those zen Hathcock moments when the bullets all slow down, and
> you can see the target frozen in your sights, and you know you have
> him?
S.D.: I played Max Payne. Does that count?
> If you haven't, you just can't know what it is like.
RACE <Zoner>: You just don't understand the very special type of bond I'm writing about between myself and my anime love interest of the month.
[This could be just a *little* bit harsh, maybe...]
MMK <singing>: You don't know what it's like to be me... you don't
know what it's like to go between...
> Right then,
> at that moment, I knew I had found the woman who would be the love of
> my life. I know it sounds sentimental, maybe a bit of a retcon,
ARL: He's just reconned his life. Can he do that?
> but I
> swear it is true. I had known her for all of half an hour and I would
> kill for her.
MMK <MegaZone>: But I wouldn't enjoy killing for her. [pause] Well... maybe a little...
> Die for her. Do anything, say anything, endure
> anything, to see her smile.
> I shook myself free of the reverie and walked around to take
> my place behind the wheel. In unison we shared a sly smile.
> "Do you think Ben is OK?"
GAVOK <Zoner>: We'll get Terry Bogard to ask him. That's always fun!
> I glanced at my watch. "Oh yeah, he's done by now. He should
> be on his way back here."
>
> G
> So there I was, chillin' on the T.
MMK <Gryphon>: Can you dig it?
> I bought a Coke out of the
> machine at Park Street,
[OK, Ben normally seems to go out of his way to mention Pepsi at every opportunity, like he was getting apid for product placement or somehting. Now I'm trying ot think of somehting, but nothing's coming - Rick R.]
> on my way from the Green Line to the Red
> Line, then lucked out and got one of the nice new silver Red Line
> trains which don't make a lot of noise and rattle out your teeth. I
> found a corner seat, kicked back and started reading again.
RACE <Gryphon>: Oh, Sam I Am, you silly fool. Don't you realize that he doesn't want your green foodstuffs?
> There were two ways I could interpret Zoner's abrupt
> departure. I could take the viewpoint that he had ditched me in a
> moment of crisis to make time with the cute girl he'd picked up at the
> music festival, and be mad at him.
S.D.: Jealous, Gryph?
> Or I could take the viewpoint that
> he had the utmost confidence in my abilities to handle the two Spanish
> ninja and had felt he could best demonstrate that confidence by not
> hovering over me constantly checking if I needed help.
> I chose the second option, not because I necessarily thought
> it was true,
??? <Gryphon>: Well, it was, but never mind.
> but because it would save me a lot of hassle later on.
> And, restored to my good humor,
MMK <Gryphon>: Mmm... It's Good Humor time... hit it Zoney!
GAVOK <Zoner, singing>: Oh, that crispy creamy ice cream, no room for a stick! What would you dooooo for a Klondike Bar!
MMK <Gryphon>: Zoney... what was the last thing you said there?
GAVOK <Zoner>: Klondike Bar... oops, sorry Gryphon.
MMK <Gryphon>: My Good Humor is ruined thanks to you.
[Beyond the ever-so-obvious weirdness, I'm also infamous for getting song lyrics messed up... -Alair]
> I plowed through another
> chapter before arriving at Alewife.
RACE <MegaZone>: Wait. If the Lorax speaks for the trees, shouldn't he have asked for plant food and water as well?
> Yup, there they were, in the Suburban. I noted with mild
> irritation that Meg had bagged my customary shotgun seat, put it down
> and climbed in back. Now was not the time for
S.D.: ... a lovers' quarrel.
> pointless bickering;
> now was the time for action!
> "I hunger," I declared.
MMK <Mr. Grimm>: ...for human flesh.
GAVOK <Gryphon, booming voice>: ...FOR THE SOULS OF THE LIVING!
ARL: Ben "Gryphon" Hutchins IS... SINISTAR!
TBS <Gryphon>: Beware I live! Run, run, run!
GAVOK <Zoner>: Um... you aren't still mad about that whole Spanish Ninja desertion thing, are you?
TBS <Gryphon>: Beware, coward! Aargh!
[Oh, has anyone else ever seen http://www.videotopia.com/errata2.htm ? Deep, very deep... -Alair]
> "Joyce Chen's."
GAVOK: Eh, good enough.
> "I've just been filling her in," said Zoner helpfully.
> "Of course you have."
> "You up for Chinese?" Zoner asked Meg.
> "Yeah, sure. Whatever you guys want, I'm easy to please."
ARL: Well, that explains why she's been hanging out with Gryph and Zoner...
RACE <Gryphon>: Phew! That's a relief then. Zoner here is hung like a nat and...
TBS <Zoner>: Dude!
> Zoner put on that sly little grin that infuriates me so.
???: Is Ben talking about what irks him hypocracy?
> I declined
> to comment; it was too early. Not for the first time, I thanked the
> cosmic planners that human beings aren't, as a general rule, able to
> hear each other's thoughts.
GAVOK <singing with mouth closed>: Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends! Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends! Garfield and Friends!
(Everyone stares)
GAVOK: What?
> "Right then, Joyce Chen's ahoy," Zoner said as he started the
> Suburban. I've always figured they called them that because they're
> roughly the size of a New England suburb. At least Zoner hadn't
> decided on the Hummer -- he wasn't quite that Combat Carl. Not that a
> blacked out Suburban is exactly subtle.
ALL <Ninjas>: We are hedge. Move along.
> To date I've resisted the
> urge to install little American flags on the front fenders or paint
> "DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY OFFICIAL USE ONLY" on the tailgate.
> The drive was unbearably long, at -least- 3 minutes, since
> Joyce Chen's is directly across the street from the station. We
> disembarked and made our way inside.
>
> We went through the usual routine:
S.D. <Maitre'd>: For the love of GOD, will you PLEASE put some PANTS on?
> "How many?" "Three"
> "Smoking or non?" "Non" "Right this way please." I'd never make a
> good host, I'd be way too tempted to ask patrons what their quest was,
> or their favorite color, or something.
ARL: That probably stems from your complete inability to be concise in any
way, shape or form.
> Most people don't think about it, but most of the time the
> life of a street fighter, or a sometime spy, is actually pretty damn
> dull.
MMK <Gryphon>: Bored bored bored bored bored.
GAVOK <Zoner>: Can't you keep it down? I'm trying to look after a multi-million dollar cargo plane here.
MMK <Gryphon>: But I'm bored!
> Zoner, since he graduated college earlier that year, still
> hadn't established just what it was he'd be doing. He didn't really
> need to work, money wasn't an issue, but, as enticing as it sounds,
> just sitting around doing nothing all day gets very maddening, very
> quickly.
MMK: Three words, man: Gee. Tee. Ai.
ARL: Those are letters.
MMK: What, so letters can't be words all of a sudden? You bigot.
> I supposed he'd actually start flying regular cargo missions
> more often or something, maybe start giving instruction.
> I don't really need to worry about money either, making my
> living as I do in a rather prosaic manner: I bet on my fights. I
> don't want to seem immodest, but when you win as consistently as I
> tend to (sixty-seven wins, two losses),
GAVOK: Kinda makes you wonder how many of them were jobbers, huh?
MMK <Zoner>: And tell them who the losses were against.
TBS <Gryphon>: I'd rather not.
MMK <Zoner>: Just tell 'em. It's cute!
TBS <Gryphon>: (mutters something)
MMK <Zoner>: What was that?
TBS <Gryphon>: I SAID I LOST TO SHAQUILLE O'NEIL AND BRIAN BATTLER, NOW SHUT UP!
> that makes for a pretty
> substantial income. Occasionally governments even pay me for my part
> in our operations. I'm still not sure how I really feel about that,
> not having set out to be in the black operations field. Then again, I
> don't know what I'd be doing if not that. It certainly fills the
> time, and there have been times when, if I hadn't been present,
> Zoner's career would have come to an abrupt and painful end.
> Anyway, over the three years of my 'professional' career I've
> built up a pretty sizeable nest egg,
ARL: Oh, God.
RACE: What?
ARL: I just had the image of Gryphon flying around on a golden chocobo.
> which is sitting happily in a
> bank earning enough interest for me to live comfortably on. I spend
> most of my time training or gallivanting about with Zoner for the sake
> of the experience. Besides, good friends stick together.
ARL: These waffles are stuck together.
MMK: Stickin' together's what good waffles do!
S.D.: "Good friends." Riiiiiiiight...
RACE: You're making an awful lot of yaoi comments, considering that Gryph's five-seven and three-hundred... unless you're into that-
S.D.: Finish that sentence and DIE.
> If he got
> himself offed who would fly me to my fights? Egad, I'd have to fly
> commercial. I hate flying commercial. Wedging a size 48 butt into a
> size 42 seat isn't much fun.
???: Maybe you should shed some of that size 48 butt.
??? <Gryphon>: Maybe they could make bigger airline seats.
> "So, how'd the fight go?" Zoner inquired by way of an opening
> line.
> "Oh, the usual. That first guy I hit as you left never got
> up. Their quantity is going up but quality is going down. Henry Ford
> would never have built good ninja... you can't just crank them out.
RACE <MegaZone>: [pockets plans labeled "Model T Ninjas" and whistles innocently]
> But then, when has Spain ever mass-produced anything decent?
[* Yet another "Racial Slurs Drinking Game" opportunity. *]
[Fellow Quasispacers, Hutchins is apparantly stealing one of our gimmicks...]
> What did
> you two get up to?"
> "Oh nothing much. Meg was just telling me her story really.
> Let me fill you in..."
TBS: One Gary-Shandling-esque Time Thingie later...
> "They were downsized. I see."
> "Yeah, it really sucks," Meg chimed in.
> "Your tax dollars at work. You seem to be dealing with it OK,
> though." Zoner gave me one of those looks that said I didn't have the
> whole story, but that he couldn't talk at the moment.
MMK: Which would be Zoner Look #19, the "You don't have the whole story,
but I can't talk at the moment" look.
RACE <MegaZone>: MMMPH! MMMPH BMMMPH BMMMMMMMPH!
> (Yes, all that
> can be conveyed in a look if you know the person well enough.
[The MMK smiles at GAVOK]
GAVOK: ... the stolen money is stashed in a black briefcase in safe deposit box #3,286 at the San Francisco International Airport?
MMK: Close, but it was a brown briefcase.
GAVOK: Damn it!
> When
> you go through combat with someone you can get to know them rather
> well.) I wonder how much of that look came from information he really
> had, and how much of it came from his usual determination that
> -everything- had to have a darker subtext somewhere in it.
S.D. <Gryphon>: Damn it, Zoner! For the last time, the Smurfs are NOT Satan-worshipping CIA midgets that eat the flesh off of alien drug lords operating out of Graceland!
> "I've had some time to deal with it, but I'm still kind of
> numb. There are days that I expect to get called into the SPL. Or
> I'm watching the news and I feel like I should be there helping out.
> You spend a major part of your life fighting the good fight and then
> they tell you to quit cold turkey. Hell, I'm not even supposed to
> appear in public as Rock-1.
GAVOK: So she can't wear blue armor and fight against Dr. Wily.
MMK: That's "Rockman," Gavok.
GAVOK: Oh. Then she can't become an American cable station that plays classic/soft rock.
MMK: That's "VH1," Gavok.
GAVOK: Then she can't hold concerts and sing "American Badass."
MMK: That's "Kid Rock," Gavok.
GAVOK: Then who's Rock-1?
[* Damn. I can't think of a good closer. ;_; *]
[Uh, Duane Johnson's backup clone? I dunno...]
MMK: One of the clones of Duane Johnson that NESTS made during King of Fighters '99.
GAVOK: Ohhhh yeah...
[Who da man? ^^ -RoP]
> Some bogus security restriction or
> something. For that matter I shouldn't be telling either of you all
> of this. I have no idea why I'm doing it."
> Zoner got that amused look of his. "Don't worry about it,
> happens all the time. People meet me, give me their life story, and
> then look confused because all they meant to do was say 'hi, nice day
> isn't it?'
RACE: Maybe they've got Auras of Exposition.
> Besides, you couldn't pick a better pair to tell.
MMK: Unless you talk to pants.
> We keep
> our secrets, and I just might be able to help you out."
> Uh-oh. Zoner was having an Idea with a capital 'I' and that's
> what "I have a problem" starts with.
> "What do you mean?"
> "Well, so the OSI is basically history. Poof, gone. But!
GAVOK <Kin Korn Karn>: It does not have! MONGOLIAN CHOP!
> There are plenty of other agencies out there with black budgets.
> After all, they have to pay people like me.
???: Say, who does pay Zoner?
???: Pay to keep him away, maybe.
> I'm sure I can help find
> you a position with one of them. If you're interested, of course."
> I knew what Zoner was interested in. I shouldn't say that --
> to be fair, he can be a fairly altruistic person -- but you didn't
> have to be Sherlock Holmes to tell he had an interest in her.
GAVOK <MegaZone>: Man, I'd love to put my hand upon your little sexy ass and squeeze. And squeeeeeeeeeeeze!
> Then
> again, she didn't seem to mind, and I couldn't particularly fault him
> for it.
> He looked at me as if he expected me to join in, so I did.
> "Sure, let's see. There's NSA, CIA, MI-5, MI-6, IMF, FBI, ATF,
> Mossad, SAS, SBS, Secret Service, GSG9, Spectrum, Interpol, UNIT,
> UNCLE, CONTROL, DEA, NASA, NACA... "
> I was starting to build up steam.
> "...TVA, WPA, SSA, FCC, FAA, NTSB, ICC, MBTA, BART, PBS, CBS, AFL-CIO,
> AT&T, ITT, MCI, IBM... " I seemed out of control by this time, but I
> knew what I was doing. "...NBC, ABC, OSS, MTV, VH-1, A&E, TLC, KFC,
> KLF, NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, NHRA, CART, NASCAR, W3O, OSF, FSF, SCO, Ext2,
> HPFS, CCITT, ITU-T, IETF, BGP(4)... "
RACE <Gryphon>: At this point, I just started banging my head in the keyboard.
> Now I was just being silly.
> "...RIPv2, OSPF, ISIS, VLSM, BRI, PRI, SPID, TEI, B8ZS, AMI, TCP, UDP,
> ICMP, SPX, NCSA, RADIUS, TACACS, ACP... "
> Zoner was gasping for air
> and waving for me to stop. Meg looked both amused and confused.
> "...EIEIO."
> That was all it took; Zoner nearly fell out of his chair. Meg
> mildly injured herself snarfing green tea.
RACE: Crossing over to other cheesy 80s cartoons.
> That was not my intention.
ARL: No, the intention was to drown the audience in another overplayed joke.
> I felt bad.
> "Are you OK?" I asked.
GAVOK <MegaZone>: Yeah, I'm-
MMK <Gryphon>: BUSTA WORLFF!!
[MMK punches GAVOK in the arm, who oversells and flies across the theater. A long silence follows, with the others staring at at him.]
MMK: What?
ARL: ...did you just do something *besides* an "it doesn't matter" in response to a question?
MMK: Well, yeah.
TBS: The MMK I know would *never* do that...
MMK: Yeah, well, I'm trying to branch out, and-
[TBS pulls out a towel and points it threateningly at MMK.]
TBS: Who are you, and what have you done with the MMK??
[MMK pulls a mask off of his face, revealing GAVOK. Meanwhile, THE OTHER
GAVOK gets up and walks back to his seat. TBS looks at GAVOK, then at
THE OTHER GAVOK, and blinks.]
TBS: ...
S.D.: Ohhh-kay...
RACE: ...what the hell?
ARL: Dear sweet merciful crap, there's *two* of them.
[THE OTHER GAVOK grins and pulls a mask off of his face, revealing MMK. He
^_^s]
MMK: Gotcha.
[I am really, truly sorry for this... -RoP]
[I'm cool with it. Sorry for cutting out the mass "Buster Wolf!" cry, but I liked this Loon moment better. -z]
> "Yeah." *cough* "I'm fine. Boy, that really clears your head.
> I don't recommend it though."
> We both paused to observe Zoner gasping like a fish. (Odd
> expression, that, because when you come down to it a fish gasping
> isn't really like a person gasping at all...)
???: Um, Ben, the story?
> I was just biding my
> time.
MMK <Gryphon>: For, I planned not only to cast down Bison in order to destroy him... I planned to supplant him! Bwa ha ha ha!!!
RACE: Uh, Gryphon? We knew that.
MMK <Gryphon>: You did?
[RACE nods]
MMK <Gryphon>: Did anybody not know that?
[A short moment of silence passes]
MMK <Gryphon>: Well, fudge!
> He regained most of his composure and sipped some water to calm
> things. I struck.
TBS: "When Gryphons Attack," coming up next on FOX!
> "Booger."
S.D.: Not a Psycho Booger? You shame us all, Gryphon.
> Zoner's cheeks immediately puffed as he fought to restrain the
> water now trapped by the air that wanted to escape. He looked
> remarkably helpless. What was going through his mind?
RACE: Boobs. Defintely boobs.
> Do I spew
> water all over the table in front of this remarkably cute woman I've
> only know for an hour? Is it any cooler to choke to death on water?
GAVOK <MegaZone>: How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll tootsie pop?
ARL <MegaZone>: What would Jesus do?
> How long can I hold my breath anyway? By this time his lungs were
> aching for air and he had to do something.
S.D.: Megazone stars in... "The Poseidon Adventure!"
> I'm sure it didn't help to
> have Meg and I watching him like hawks on nitrous.
> In the end he managed to force the water down the right pipe
> and dragged in the overdue breath. I think my ears popped from the
> pressure drop. It was priceless. Ah, what are friends for?
> "That was really cruel, Gryph," he croaked.
> "I know."
> "I hate you."
> "I'm aware of that."
MMK <MegaZone>: I'm going to kill you. [pause] But I won't enjoy it.
> Meg was trying to hide her giggles behind her hand. It was
> working about as well as you'd expect.
> "But," I reminded him, "it's worth it; by making you look like
> a fool I've achieved temporary pack dominance."
??? <Ben>: I'm the god! I'm the god!
> Meg's giggles became slightly more pronounced. "You guys are
> great."
RACE <Gryphon>: You're not saying that just because we're writing you
that way, are you?
S.D. <Meg>: "Of course not!"
RACE <Gryphon>: Sweet.
> "We try," we stereoed.
> "I was serious, you know." Trust Zoner to snap the
> conversation back to an old track. Sometimes he answers questions you
> asked him hours ago and thought he ignored or didn't hear.
> "I don't know," said Meg, ambivalent.
> "Well, think about it."
> "(Think about it.)"
[ALL blink and look around.]
RACE: Do the acoustics in this place seem a little off to you?
ARL: There's a little bit of an echo, if that's what you mean...
> "Think about it," Zoner finished. "I'm serious, I'd like to
> help out if I can. From what you've told me it seems like everyone
> else is dealing because they have things to occupy them. Maybe you
> were just cut out for the heroine's part." Zoner ignored my rolling
> eyes. He can really be corny sometimes. I busied myself with the
> placemat. That was unsatisfactory. I hate those placemats,
GAVOK <Gryphon>: They MOCK me.
> they
> remind me that I was born in the year of the Ox, an animal
> uncomfortably close to being a bison. That doesn't sit well with me.
> Maybe I'm paranoid. Still, it beat listening to Child of the Corn
> over there.
> "Thanks. That's very nice."
> "Think nothing of it, m'lady."
> That was too much. You haven't seen cheese until you've seen
> Zoner's moves.
> It's like watching "Shaft's Big Score!" back to back
> with "Master Ninja." It hurts. Deep down inside, it hurts.
RACE: They've got some nice theme songs, though.
> I had to
> so something fast, or I'd lose my humanity.
> "Sooo..." I clapped my hands together. "What d'you guys
> want?"
> "Hmm? Oh, -food-.
MMK: Make that two food.
GAVOK: With a side of drink.
> Right." Zoner had obviously first thought
> of something else, but I wasn't touching that.
> "I don't know, what do you guys recommend?"
> I pitched my voice down into the Barry White range. "Meat."
ARL <MegaZone>: You're a vegetarian.
GAVOK <Gryphon>: [high-pitched voice] ...celery?
> "Gryph is a real carnivore. Personally I have no idea, I've
> only been here a couple of times before."
> "Well," I said, drawing on my equally limited experience with
> this particular restaurant, "the noodle buffet is a way to get lots of
> food for cheap. The chicken fingers rock. And the orange beef is
> good. Other than that, you're on your own."
> So we studied the menus for a while and did that classic
> "group of people go out for Chinese and try to decide on dishes they
> all like so they can share" debate.
TBS: It's funnier when Abbot and Costello do it.
> (This is especially entertaining
> when the debate involves one or more especially weak-willed persons.
MMK: ...but it's a lot more fun when you're with strong-willed ones!
GAVOK: Like that time when were at Double M's, and we broke half a dozen tables and nearly every chair in the place arguing over what pizza toppings we wanted?
MMK: Greatest. Lunch. *Ever.*
GAVOK: IN-DEED.
> Not a problem this particular evening.) But within five minutes we
> had settled on an order. I filled Meg in on my story while we waited
> for the food. I figured I knew Zoner's, Zoner knew mine, Zoner knew
> Meg's, I knew Meg's, Meg knew Zoner's,
ARL: But if Zoner knew Zoner's, and Grypon knew Meg's, then how did Meg know Meg's when Zoner knew...
[Something in ARL's head makes a loud popping noise.]
GAVOK: Ouchie.
RACE: Poor guy.
> so, for symmetry's sake, I
> should complete the loop. Besides, I'm not much of a man of mystery,
> though I kept back a few of the more private bits. Later, perhaps, if
> and when I knew her better.
RACE <Gryphon>: And then she'd see my private bits, if you get my drift.