Episode 201: Wanderer: Coast to Coast intro part 1
by
Just to show you guys that I'm working on it. I'll get to the rest in the next couple of days where I'll answer the questions that will arise from this. Also, I decided to have Ryukage play the role of Tanzut the announcer in this version. Until then, enjoy:
WAITING...
WAITING...
Wanderer, AoD and Falconer sat around the cafeteria, drinking their respective beverages. Besides the five full minutes of slurping and heavy sighing, not a sound was made.
"Say," Falconer said. The others continued drinking and heavily sighing for about two minutes. Falconer inserted his drink straw somewhere through his bushy beard and slurped. How they spent all this time drinking without any refills is anyone's guess.
"Anyway," he began again. "The ratings came in. We did pretty well. Number three on the Nielsen's."
Wanderer took a loud, mostly empty sip of his coffee. This lasted for about thirty seconds. "You don't say. Can I see the list?" Before Falconer could even grab it from under the table, Wanderer yelled, "Today Falconer!"
"All right! Hold on." Falconer handed him the printed results of the Nielsen ratings. "Hey, neat! We're number three *again*! The only guys before us are Urien's Dance Party and, uh... Multi... Multi... Wow, this is a big word."
"Multimediocre?" AoD asked.
"No, it's not--" AoD burped loudly, interrupting the statement. "No, it's not that. It's Multi... pass. Something, something Council. Wait... Falconer, how old is this list?"
"I don't know. From '97?"
"Well do you have anything from this week?"
"Oh, you don't want that."
"Falconer, I'm this close to trimming your beard with my katana. And you're next after that."
"Fine! Here!" Falconer angrily handed Wanderer a long, white sheet of paper with a red circle at the bottom.
Wanderer looked over the list. "Where's my name on here?"
"The bottom."
"That's impossible. I'm a hit sensation. I can't be right above Oro's Half Hour of Hip Gyrating."
AoD peered over. "You're not. You're two spots below him."
"You're telling me that the public would rather watch a homely prune, who has to be over a century and a half years old, and is wearing a collection of dirty rags, gyrate his hips for about 22 minutes plus commercial breaks?"
AoD spent a full minute taking a sip from It's mug. "It knows It would. He gets better guests."
Wanderer lowered his head and pounded the table. "Where did we go wrong?"
"Fell, for starters," said Falconer, "our biggest guests of the last season were Captain Kidd and Beans."
Burghy suddenly jumped into frame. "Did somebody say 'beans'?"
AoD tossed his coffee mug at Burghy.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! IT HURTS! YOU'RE MEAN! WAAAAH!"
Wanderer was deep in thought. "What we need is a new direction." He popped up. "I know! We'll change our show to a story about Kim Kaphwan and his quest to reform all the bad guys of--"
"It's been done," Falconer told him. Then he looked inspired. "But... what if instead of Kim Kaphwan we use a monkey in a muumuu? Yeah! I can see it now!"
Wanderer crossed his arms. "That's stupid Falconer. It's stupid because it's... stupidacular. Hm... what's number one in the ratings?"
AoD looked at the list. "Reruns of MMK and Gavok's stupidacular Japanese shows."
Wanderer scratched his chin. "They should make new episodes of those."
Falconer held his hands behind his back and looked down at the screaming Burghy. Burghy had, in fact, been screaming in pain for the last minute or so. "Uh, they can't make new episodes. We have them prisoner, remember?"
"Oh yeah. I'm planning on making them fight tigers, once the eBay deal goes through. Tigers." Wanderer looked away from his partners and upward. "...Tigers..."
There was a pause for about half a minute, filled with Burghy screaming in pain.
"So anyway, why don't we just steal the ideas from one of their shows? Then we'll surely get the ratings!"
AoD stopped sipping from a second mug off coffee. "First you get the ratings. Then you get the power. Then you get the women."
Falconer looked the list over again. "Well, why don't we go with a show like Gavok's?"
"Feh. Feh, I say! How, I ask you, are we going to fit tigers into a show like that? It would... it would be..."
"Stupidacular?" AoD suggested.
"Yes! I say we go with Howard's deal. We have the stuff; we should just make some poor saps watch a bad fanfic. Like that Hutchins thing with Sakura."
Falconer gave a mix between a sigh and a grunt. "And what about the tigers you're so hung up about?"
"Falconer, Falconer, Falconer. ...Falconer. Still talking about tigers, are we? You're living in the past, man! This is the '90s. Catch up... dude."
"But it's the year two thousand and--"
"Listen, the fact is, we're wasting time. We need some more prisoners. Who do we have so far?"
AoD told him. "The Knight, Gavok and Arlieth. That's it."
"That's it? Hm... Where am I going to get a couple more victims?" Wanderer looked at Falconer, AoD and the screaming Burghy.
"We'll pound you," Falconer threatened.
Wanderer looked in Burghy's direction. "And him?"
Falconer looked at him too. "There's a chance he lost his sight. We should probably find others."
Wanderer agreed. "But where?"
Just then, Racewing the intern walked in dressed up exactly like Wanderer. "Anybody want a refill?"
Falconer broke the table over Racewing's head. Race immediately passed out. "There's one more."
Wanderer scoffed. "You can't make me believe that Racewing is a tiger."
"He's not a tiger! He's another victim for the show!"
"Oh. Good work, then."
AoD pounced onto Racewing's unconscious body and began to viciously punch him with It's fists, like they were pistons. It didn't even have an angry look on It's face. But you couldn't tell from the beating It gave.
"That's enough, AoD," Wanderer said while pulling him off. "I think he's under."
AoD nudged Racewing's arm with It's foot. "Look. He moves."
"Take this, tenacious intern!" Wanderer began kicking Racewing many times in the ribs. "Okay, I think that did it."
Burghy raised his hand while lying on his back and stopped screaming. "Can I kick him too?"
"No!" Wanderer yelled back.
"Please?"
"Okay, but make it quick. We have a show to do."
Gavok
"Then yes, I made it. For you. For Christmas."