Here's the full thing. Edit how you see fit. I'm certain it makes as little sense as it did when I wrote it. I was originally going to give MMK the part of Future Man. But since black dub used that bit so well in Forgot About Jae (the Wily/Megaman X meeting), I figured I'd just make MMK Busta Rhymes. And before anyone asks, the tiger thing never happened on the show. It's just something I came up with that I thought would work. I'll probably do the ending once some more skits are written. Now on with the chlorophyl.
WAITING...
WAITING...
Wanderer, AoD and Falconer sat around the cafeteria, drinking their respective beverages. Besides the five full minutes of slurping and heavy sighing, not a sound was made.
"Say," Falconer said. The others continued drinking and heavily sighing for about two minutes. Falconer inserted his drink straw somewhere through his bushy beard and slurped. How they spent all this time drinking without any refills is anyone's guess.
"Anyway," he began again. "The ratings came in. We did pretty well. Number three on the Nielsen's."
Wanderer took a loud, mostly empty sip of his coffee. This lasted for about thirty seconds. "You don't say. Can I see the list?" Before Falconer could even grab it from under the table, Wanderer yelled, "Today, Falconer!"
"All right! Hold on." Falconer handed him the printed results of the Nielsen ratings. "Hey, neat! We're number three *again*! The only guys before us are Urien's Dance Party and, uh... Multi... Multi... Wow, this is a big word."
"Multimediocre?" AoD asked.
"No, it's not--" AoD burped loudly, interrupting the statement. "No, it's not that. It's Multi... pass. Something, something Council. Wait... Falconer, how old is this list?"
"I don't know. From '97?"
"Well do you have anything from this week?"
"Oh, you don't want that."
"Falconer, I'm this close to trimming your beard with my katana. And you're next after that."
"Fine! Here!" Falconer angrily handed Wanderer a long, white sheet of paper with a red circle at the bottom.
Wanderer looked over the list. "Where's my name on here?"
"The bottom."
"That's impossible. I'm a hit sensation. I can't be right above Oro's Half Hour of Hip Gyrating."
AoD peered over. "You're not. You're two spots below him."
"You're telling me that the public would rather watch a homely prune, who has to be over a century and a half years old, and is wearing a collection of dirty rags, gyrate his hips for about 22 minutes plus commercial breaks?"
AoD spent a full minute taking a sip from It's mug. "It knows It would. He gets better guests."
Wanderer lowered his head and pounded the table. "Where did we go wrong?"
"Well, for starters," said Falconer, "our biggest guests of the last season were Captain Kidd and Beans."
Burghy suddenly jumped into frame. "Did somebody say 'beans'?"
AoD tossed his coffee mug at Burghy.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! IT HURTS! YOU'RE MEAN! WAAAAH!"
Wanderer was deep in thought. "What we need is a new direction." He popped up. "I know! We'll change our show to a story about Kim Kaphwan and his quest to reform all the bad guys of--"
"It's been done," Falconer told him. Then he looked inspired. "But... what if instead of Kim Kaphwan we use a monkey in a muumuu? Yeah! I can see it now!"
Wanderer crossed his arms. "That's stupid Falconer. It's stupid because it's... stupidacular. Hm... what's on the top in the ratings?"
AoD looked at the list. "Reruns of MMK and Gavok's stupidacular Japanese shows."
Wanderer scratched his chin. "They should make new episodes of those."
Falconer held his hands behind his back and looked down at the screaming Burghy. Burghy had, in fact, been screaming in pain for the last minute or so. "Uh, they can't make new episodes. We have them prisoner, remember?"
"Oh yeah. I'm planning on making them fight tigers, once the eBay deal goes through. Tigers." Wanderer looked away from his partners and upward. "...Tigers..."
There was a pause for about half a minute, filled with Burghy screaming in pain.
"So anyway, why don't we just steal the ideas from one of their shows? Then we'll surely get the ratings!"
AoD stopped sipping from a second mug of coffee. "First you get the ratings. Then you get the power. Then you get the women."
Falconer looked the list over again. "Well, why don't we go with a show like Gavok's?"
"Feh. Feh, I say! How, I ask you, are we going to fit tigers into a show like that? It would... it would be..."
"Stupidacular?" AoD suggested.
"Yes! I say we go with Howard's deal. We have the stuff; we should just make some poor saps watch a bad fanfic. Like that Hutchins thing with Sakura."
Falconer gave a mix between a sigh and a grunt. "And what about the tigers you're so hung up about?"
"Falconer, Falconer, Falconer. ...Falconer. Still talking about tigers, are we? You're living in the past, man! This is the '90s. Catch up... dude."
"But it's the year two thousand and--"
"Listen, the fact is, we're wasting time. We need some more prisoners. Who do we have so far?"
AoD told him. "The Knight, Gavok and Arlieth. That's it."
"That's it? Hm... Where am I going to get a couple more victims?" Wanderer looked at Falconer, AoD and the screaming Burghy.
"We'll pound you," Falconer threatened.
Wanderer looked in Burghy's direction. "And him?"
Falconer looked at him too. "There's a chance he lost his sight. We should probably find others."
Wanderer agreed. "But where?"
Just then, Racewing the intern walked in dressed up exactly like Wanderer. "Anybody want a refill?"
Falconer broke the table over Racewing's head. Race immediately passed out. "There's one more."
Wanderer scoffed. "You can't make me believe that Racewing is a tiger."
"He's not a tiger! He's another victim for the show!"
"Oh. Good work, then."
AoD pounced onto Racewing's unconscious body and began to viciously punch him with It's fists, like they were pistons. It didn't even have an angry look on It's face. But you couldn't tell from the beating It gave.
"That's enough, AoD," Wanderer said while pulling him off. "I think he's under."
AoD nudged Racewing's arm with It's foot. "Look. He moves."
"Take this, tenacious intern!" Wanderer began kicking Racewing many times in the ribs. "Okay, I think that did it."
Burghy raised his hand while lying on his back and stopped screaming. "Can I kick him too?"
"No!" Wanderer yelled back.
"Please?"
"Okay, but make it quick. We have a show to do."
The scene changed to a neat CG sequence of the television studio, accompanied by the theme song by the famous medieval rock group, "Man or Lizard Man." In an unseen recording booth, Shadow Dragon Ryukage (call her "Super Deformed" and she'll kill you) read her lines into the microphone.
"Hey everybody! This is SD Ryukage, and welcome to Wanderer: Coast to Coast! Today we... uh... I'm sorry. Usually there's a list of guests. But instead I was handed these torn out encyclopedia pages about tigers. So I have no clue about-- oh, hey AoD. Do you know who's on the show tonight?"
"You."
*whack*
*thud*
*grunt*
AoD grabbed the microphone. "And now, the fucktard himself, Wanderer." Then It picked Shady up, carried her over It's shoulder and bolted.
In the main set, Wanderer jumped into frame from above and waved to the viewers. "Hey! Welcome to my show. Tonight we have some very special guests." He turned to his left. "AoD, did you drop them in?"
AoD breathed heavily as It got settled back into the keyboard station. "Yeah... they're... *whew*... they're just waking up..."
In his booth, Falconer was surprised. "That was a lot of running for less than a minute. I mean, you went up three flights up stairs, down five to drop Shady off, then two more to get back here."
"It... knows..."
Wanderer looked at AoD slouched over. "You don't look so well. Falconer, get the bastard something to drink."
"Blood. With ice."
Wanderer sniffed the air. "What's the smell?" He looked at AoD again. "Hey, you didn't tell me you sweat sulfur. That's neat!"
[---]
Meanwhile, Racewing and SD Ryukage woke up in pain with no idea of the pain they were about to endure. "Where am I?" they asked in unison while tending to their wounds.
Arlieth sprung to their sides. "You're awake! Thank God! Normal people!"
Race rubbed his head. "Huh? 'Normal people'?"
"Hey!" MMK yelled from high above. He and Gavok were both posing on top of two separate pillars. MMK had his hands to his sides in a gun-like shape while Gavok was pointing at himself with his thumbs. "Since they're awake, does this mean we're not allowed to deliver a Swanton/Five Star Frog Splash combo?"
Arlieth grabbed Racewing and Ryukage by the arms in preparation to pull them away. "Yes!"
"Yes we can jump or yes we're not allowed?" Gavok wondered.
"The latter!"
"What did he say?" Gavok asked MMK.
"I think he says he wants us to jump off ladders." MMK called down. "We can't fit ladders up here! There's not enough room to hold them up!"
Arlieth grew annoyed quickly. That was understandable considering how long he was stuck with the loons. "No! I said I forbid you from delivering Swantons and Five Star Frog Splash to Racewing and Ryukage!"
Gavok and MMK shrugged. "Ah well," the Vok said. "Plan B." He turned around and flipped back off the pillar. Arlieth pulled Race and Shady away just in time for Gavok to belly flop the cement floor with a loud crunch.
"What did I just tell you?!" Arl demanded.
"Hey, man. You didn't say anything about moonsaults." Gavok could hear the sound of something falling above him.
*crunch*
MMK stood back up. "And you never said anything about Swantoning Gavok."
Shady snapped out of her stupor and fumed at the sight of the tuxedo-clad madman. She tried rushing him, but Racewing and Arlieth pulled her back. She stopped trying and merely shook her fist at MMK.
"I wish I could tear him apart!"
She could have sworn she saw Gavok standing right behind her, mimicking her actions, but when she turned around he was already gone. Huh.
MMK shrugged. "Well at least she didn't say, 'You... you're Geese!' Like I haven't heard that joke a hundred times. I mean just because you happen to share the last name of an evil martial--"
Racewing interrupted. "What the hell is going on? Why are we stuck in here?"
The movie screen turned on to the image of Wanderer smiling. "Greetings!"
Gavok did his best impression of the Shade, which wasn't so hard considering his appearance. "Thomas Wilde. The plot thins."
Arlieth groaned. "Is it a rule that everyone but me gets to do this gig?"
"Why did you throw us in here, Wanderer?" Race asked as he removed his Wanderer head accessories and put his green cap back on.
"A new direction for the show. I suggested making this a reality show, but you know AoD. Always trying to destroy reality. Heh heh heh. Hoo boy. So we decided to kidnap the five of you and force you to watch more of Hutchins' work."
All in the theater except MMK shrieked. "HUTCHINS!?"
"Yes, Hutchins."
MMK thought to himself for a second. "He's the guy who writes himself as a cube who could kill Akuma on a whim if he felt like it, right?"
"Yes," Wanderer repeated. "Him."
MMK smiled. "Oh. Well fuck you too, then."
Wanderer continued. "We'll record your time in there and broadcast it across the globe. Isn't that right, AoD?"
"It's true. It *does* want to destroy reality."
"Isn't that right, Burghy?"
"My face still smells like coffee!"
"Isn't that right, Falconer?" No answer. "Falconer?"
Falc was in his director's booth flipping through the channels.
"I can throw that. I can throw that. I have thrown that. I can throw that. I plan on throwing that after the show. I can throw that. I... give me another week in the gym. I can throw that. I have thrown--"
"Falconer!"
"Huh?!"
"Stop playing around. We have a show to do."
Falc growled like a bear being woken up from hibernation. "Fine. Oh, and your wife is on the line."
Wanderer paused in shock. "My-my wife? I... uh... I don't have a wife."
"You're married?" AoD asked incredulously.
"Listen, this is a farce!" Wanderer glared, stone faced, into nothing. <Change the subject, Wilde. Change the subject.>
"Hey, look! It's our friend the Rappin' Black Snotling!"
The Black Snotling, dressed in a backwards cap, basketball jersey, sunglasses, gold rings and necklaces, crossed his arms and bounced to the beat.
"Well, I'm the Black Snotling and I'm here to say,
That Wanderer's show is A-okay!
He's gonna make the other guys watch the fic,
And then he'll make a buck watching them get sick! Word."
Wanderer was sitting at his desk by the end of the rap. "That was 'solid', Snotling. So can you 'kick it' with some 'words' on Warrior's Legacy?"
"We-e-e-e-e-e-e-llllll... I'm the Black Snotling and I'm here to say,
I don't envy Vok and MMK!
Because if the first two chapters reeked like potty,
Then this'll be pain, take it from Snotty!"
"What a 'fly' 'jam' that was. Do you have any more lyrics for us, Rappin' Black Snotling?"
Snotty abided.
"Well. Well. Well, well, well, well...
Well I'm the Black Snotling and I'm here to say,
That I say 'wowsers' every day!
Like-- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
AoD held on to the rope that triggered the trap door that the Black Snotling had conveniently been standing on. "It took all It could stands and It could stands no more."
Wanderer slowly advanced. He stared AoD in the white things that acted as eyes. "AoD, you have imprisoned a valuable educational tool."
"So?"
Wanderer held up his sword. "And a dear friend." He sliced AoD in two, down the middle. As AoD's split remains fell to the bottom of It's keyboard station, It respawned and popped up behind them.
"Your mother."
In the theater, Race looked at the other victims, including the Black Snotling, who fell into his seat at that moment. "I don't get it. I know how I was suckered in here, and I can guess what happened to Shady, but what about you guys?"
Wanderer gave a cheesy smile. "I'll field that one. Ah yes, it happened a week ago. Join me in flashback as I tell you the story of fifteen sexy kung fu minutes... kung fu... kung fu..."
[---]
Arlieth traded words with the current guest of Arlieth: Coast to Coast, who was Metaljedd. With a lull in their interview, which was seemingly going well, AoD popped in with a comment.
"Metaljedd, you have a kind face."
"Oh. Well thank you."
AoD pulled out one of It's weapons of mass destruction. "The kind of face It would like to rail!"
With true aim, the monitor went explody after Arlieth ducked and covered under the desk. "Well," he said. "That was the third guest you've done that too. Luckily I won't mind about the next guy. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome James Howard, the Multimediocre Knight."
Another monitor lowered down. "Hey, how's it going?" MMK asked.
There was a long pause.
Then MMK started laughing his ass off.
"What in the name of Jim Jarmusch is going on in here!?" Wanderer yelled, entering the scene with a wrench in his hands.
"Holy crap!" Falconer exclaimed. "He is alive!"
"Damn," AoD muttered.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Wanderer checked his pulse, just in case. "Um... yeah! Why wouldn't I be?"
AoD told him, "You left to go fix a gas leak three weeks ago. When you didn't come back, It tried to hunt you do-- It means start a search party. But since they and It never found you, you were assumed dead."
"Ohhhhhh! Right. That thing. Well I tried fixing the pipe from the inside, you see, but I couldn't find a way out. So three days later I decided to just smash my way out. Then I got the brilliant idea to create a theater prison downstairs that we can use."
"For what?!" Falc asked.
"Stuff. Geez, do I have to think of everything?"
Arlieth waved. "Hello, Wanderer. I guess this means I'm no longer--"
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*
Arlieth fell from the might of Wanderer's wrench. He didn't make a peep.
"Who is this guy?"
"That's Arlieth, remember?" Falc told him from his booth. "He was your understudy."
"Oh, he's not a replacement. He's a prisoner. A prisoner of war. A prisoner of the ratings war."
"What does that even mean?" Falconer wondered.
"Just shut up and dump this guy downstairs."
"Aye-aye, cretin."
"So..." AoD began, "you did fix that leak, right?"
Wanderer took a long pause, turned his head and looked at the bandleader. "There's a leak?"
MMK continued to laugh hysterically.
Falconer walked by, dragging the body of Arlieth. "Apparently he didn't."
MMK stopped giggling for a second and pointed at Wanderer's katana. "I was wondering if I could have that."
"Have what, this?"
"Yeah. Heeheeheehee!"
"And what are you going to do with it?"
"Hehehehe. I think I'm going to slash some people up, or slice up some cheese, or..."
Burghy popped into frame, right in front of the desk. "Did somebody say 'cheese'!?"
AoD tossed It's coffee mug at Burghy's face.
"AAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH!! EVEN IN A FLASHBACK IT HURTS!"
Wanderer looked at AoD, then turned to MMK. "Excuse me for a minute." He stalked over to AoD and beat It senselessly with the wrench. After about six or seven shots, he returned to his seat. "God, that was violent."
MMK just laughed in response.
"You laughing at me?"
"Heheh. No, I'm laughing with you, man."
"I wasn't laughing." Wanderer pulled on a cord. "And neither will you be."
MMK fell down a trap door and into the theater prison below.
"Yes," Wanderer's narration went on. "Two of the loons were taken care of. But then terror struck. From above. He struck from above. 'He' meaning the terror. That's what I meant."
Gavok descended down upon Wanderer, flattening him with an elbow drop.
"I was pinned to the ground."
AoD's narration butted in. "Yeah. By freaking Gavok."
[---]
Wanderer, back in the present, pounded on his desk. "No! No, no, no, no! This wasn't just regular, plain Gavok."
In the theater, Gavok shrugged. "Yeah it was."
"No. This was The Gav-Ok!"
[---]
Gav-Ok! got into the face of the lying Wanderer. "So, Wanderer we meet again!"
"Gav-Ok! The pleasure is all mine."
"Nonono! Correction: the pleasure is all for me! Leg drop!" Gav-Ok! leg dropped Wanderer into the floor. "Ho-HO!"
"No!"
"Boston Crab!"
Wanderer groaned in pain. "He's pulling my legs and damaging my lower back! Must get together!"
Gav-Ok! let go and stomped on Wanderer's back. "You! Deal with it!"
"Ugh! Son of a..."
Gav-Ok! wrapped his arms around Wanderer's head and held his right arm down with his legs. "Time to fall to the Crippler Crossface! And prepare to die!"
"Not while I'm alive!" Wanderer stood back up, bringing Gav-Ok! with him and delivered a Russian Leg Sweep. "Medical school!" He picked him up again and gave him a back breaker.
Falconer looked on in awe. "Wanderer has mastered the Bret Hart Five Moves of Doom!"
Wanderer delivered a vertical suplex. "May cause drowsiness."
"Ow!"
He gave Gav-Ok! an elbow drop from off the desk. "From your coffin!" Then he grabbed his enemy by the ankles.
"No, you don't have to do that!"
"Because you're dead!"
Gav-Ok! tapped out to the Sharpshooter until falling unconscious.
Wanderer flexed. "That's one loon who is going to be locked up."
"He sure is, Wandy!" AoD enthusiastically yelled.
"Falconer, I think I have another load for you to take down."
"You sure do, Wandy!"
"Shut up, AoD."
*blink*blink*
"You make me sick."
"It does, doesn't It?"
The three began to laugh heartily except for Burghy, who was still screaming in agony.
[---]
Wanderer sighed in admiration of himself. "Yep. It was all action. Pro wrestling and action."
"Unbelievable," Ryukage scoffed.
"But yet very true. But yet very, very true."
Snotling looked to Gavok. "Did that really happen?"
"Well, most of it was until he got to the part with me. Truth be told, I knocked him out with that elbow drop. Then I just wandered aimlessly thanks to the gas leak and found myself in here."
"Wait," Racewing sprang up, "are you saying you know the way out of here?"
"Well yeah." Gavok looked up and saw that Wanderer and costars were busy discussing his reluctant marriage to Rainbow Mika. He whispered, "This is what we'll do. You play along with the Wilde Bunch. I'm going to go secure the way out of here. Be back in a sec."
The others gave him thumbs up. Except for Arlieth who was pissed that Gavok didn't mention this a week before. Gavok ducked down and began his escape route.
Wanderer, meanwhile, was still busy dealing with Falconer and AoD. "Listen, all things get married. Even spiders and Choi Bounge. What's so big about me doing it? I think we should just let this go."
Rainbow Mika appeared on the monitor.
Wandy was bemused. "Thank you, Falconer. Hey, honey."
"RAIN-BOOOOW!!"
"Falconer, go to a commercial."
[END TRANSMISSION]
"This week on Aqua Deformed Hoolee Force:"
The eDANgelist, Kenma and Nere huddled inside their apartment. eDAN looked around with a look of paranoia. "It seems to me that that crash outside was really the apocalypse. And miraculously, we're the only survivors."
Kenma rolled his eyes. "eDAN..."
"And since we're the last living beings left on earth, I declare myself to be the first in command. Kenma, you're the second in command. Nere... you have to take your own life."
"What!?" the other two said.
"Come on. Be noble."
Nere just stared at eDAN. "Well... if it's for a good cause."
[BEGIN TRANSMISSION]
Wanderer continued talking with his wife. "And while I have you here, tell that Russian friend of yours, Zangief, to stop pile driving the sofa."
"He makes all the children happy!"
"Those aren't children. Those are claw-induced scars."
"I like to talk to the music."
Wanderer sighed. "That's nice. Listen, this isn't working out. Honey, I think we should get a divorce."
Mika continued to give off a clueless smile. "I have always been a big fan of bunnies."
"Well, I've always been a big fan of Terry Bogard. And Terry Bogard dresses like a pizza boy, and the Noid was a pizza mascot, and he looked like a bunny. You know, Mika, all this talk about Terry Bogard makes me want to get married all over again."
A siren went off.
"What's that about?"
"It's the fic sign, you moron!" Falc yelled.
"Oh. Right! Honey, I'll talk to you later. Daddy has a show to host."
[---]
Racewing saw that the fic was starting. "Where's Gavok?"
"There he is," MMK pointed. Gavok was indeed walking back to his seat. But he looked like he had just walked through a hallway made of buzz saws.
"What happened to you?" Snotty asked.
In a voice sounding exactly like Emo Phillips, Gavok explained. "It seems....... that the path.... OUT... is guarded......... by tiiiiiiiiiiiiigers." He then collapsed into his seat.
"Oh," Race said to himself. "I guess the eBay deal finally came through."