Out of the product of free time comes...a commercial.
by
For use in either Episode 113 or 201. I don't care. Doesn't pay to be particular.
[SCENE: A basic table on a white set. Sitting behind is Scorpion, in his typical ninja armor and, in regards to his new game, a set of katanas across his back. Sub-Zero stands behind him, wearing similar blue ninja armor.]
SCORPION: Hello and good evening, fellow denizens of the Dream City area and outlying principalities. I am Scorpion, undead star of the outstanding Boon and Tobias gaming franchise "Mortal Kombat". And behind me is the Lin Kuei assassin yet not technically undead companion Sub-Zero, of the same said franchise.
SUB-ZERO: Yes. We do indeed come from the same franchise and earn royalty checks from time to time from many resources.
SCORPION: Indeed we do, ninja brother, but that is not why we have come before you today.
SUB-ZERO: Correct, slightly undead brother.
SCORPION: Yes. We have come before you today as we represent an organization addressing a very distrubing trend to our community. It is the inaccurate archetype, and it is causing havoc in our streets.
SUB-ZERO: Indeed so. When was the last time this happened to you, faithful viewer.
[The scene shifts. Mortal Kombat Ninja REPTILE stands at a street corner in Dream City, seemingly lost in his thoughts. Then, suddenly, a teenager in a karate gi jumps out.]
KID: Hey! Fight me!
REPTILE: I do not wish to. I am late for an appointment with my friends.
KID: You're chicken! You're afraid of my insane Sayien powurz! HAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(The kid charges up, hair turning gold as he grunts, charging his power.)
REPTILE: I am? Well, I didn't say tha...
KID: KAMEHAMEHA!
(The kid launches a fireball into REPTILE's chest. The ninja immediately curls up and groans as the kid laughs and runs off.]
REPTILE: Oh...oooooh...I have felt my spleen in a place where it should not be in...
[we zip back to SCORPION and SUB-ZERO.]
SCORPION: This staged scene is perhaps a sad example on what is happening in our streets. Every fifteen minutes, a citizen of Dream City is either injured or harassed by raving packs of Dragonball Z self-insert delinquents, spurred on by the stereotype that to become a fighter, you must wander around a lot and start fights.
SUB-ZERO: The cause is not limited to the shotoclones. Watch this next example.
[We move back to the same street corner. REPTILE stands, trying to regain his breath.]
REPTILE: Oh...my organs seem to be rearranging themselves quite...
(A blue-jumpsuited figure with a large sword walks over, promptly kicking REPTILE in the nuts.)
REPTILE: OUCH! How can I propogate my tribe now?
SOLDIER: You are a pathetic opponent. My training in the SOLDIER program has rendered me invulnerable to your worthless attacks.
REPTILE: Attacks...? I did not...
SOLDIER: SILENCE! (kick)
REPTILE: AAAAAUGH!
(Another figure walks out, clad in a black trenchcoat and fingerless gloves.)
BLACK TRENCHCOAT: Ah...another one to test his mettle against the famed BLACK TRENCHCOAT, best Street Fighter in the world!
REPTILE: What the fu...OW! You are kicking me in private areas! Stop it! HELP! HELP!
(The black trenchcoat man and the SOLDIER start kicking REPTILE. Then suddenly, a brown haired girl in a sailor suit, cat ears, and a tail jumps down.)
SAILOR: Halt! In the name of the Moon! I, Sailor Fuzzy Omega Neko Bomber shall destroy all the evildoers! In the name of me and ONLY me, I will...
REPTILE: Thank Boon and Tobias...I am saved!
SAILOR: AIYA! You messed up my speech! Ninja no baka!
(The sailor scout bops Reptile on the head with her scepter as the group starts beating up on the helpless ninja, who screams for help as we move back to SUB-ZERO and SCORPION.)
SCORPION: And every other fifteen minutes, an innocent ccanon character gets accosted or terribly injured by hordes of wandering self-inserts concerned only in making reputations than being members of a productive community.
SUB-ZERO: Fellow citizens, do you not find it saddening that we as a city have not grown out of this campaign of bigotry and wallowing into general stereotypes? We have, and we have decided to act out upon it.
SCORPION: Yes. Here at the Society of Consistant Reeducation on Archetypal Maladies in Self-Insertion, or SCRAMS for short, we have sent our competent team of experts out in the field to teach our community the evils of overgeneralization and stereotype, so that the self-inserts of tomorrow will not commit the mistakes of the self-inserts of today.
[The scene shifts to a large building looking like an oversized military complex labeled SCRAMS. Outside, random Sayiens, shotoclones, and sailor scouts wander around with books and texts. We shift to a classroom scene where many types of self-inserts are in class, taught by famous instructor DAN HIBIKI.]
SUB-ZERO [voice over]: Our teaching staff is one of the best in the world in deprogramming destructive or munchkin-like tendencies, and even promotes a style of ettiquete.
DAN: Now class, remember what you learned and tell me what you can do to impress members of the opposite sex.
(The class raises their hands)
DAN: Yes, SuperRanma20x. I saw your hand up first.
(The class mutters as a large bouffanted figure speaks)
SUPERRANMA20X: Have a witty, humble disposition?
DAN: Yes...that's a good one...what else? Almighty Krodd?
(A large, loincloth clad warrior stands up.)
KRODD: Attentive listening and conversation skills?
DAN: Another good one. James?
JAMES: Use the Aura of Smooth to attract the well established characters of certain...
DAN: No! NO! Do I not teach you anything?
[The scene shifts again to another classroom, this one a home economics course, where various mages, wizards, and the random fuku-wearing catgirl are learning wonderful baked dishes. The instructor, who looks fat, pink and oddly Arabian dressed is looking over the works.]
SCORPION [voice over]: And in return, we teach the students useful traits that they can take back home for proper use.
MAJIN BU: Ha ha ha! What you cook for Bu, kitty kitty Nyao Nyao?
CATGIRL: (lifting up a tray of cookies, which are, of course, catshaped.) I made cookies! =^.^=
(Majin Bu takes one of the cookies and eats it.)
MAJIN BU: Mmmmmm...chocolate! And what you make, magic Soulreaver?
(A teenager wearing a monk's cowl walks forward with his bowl, which seems to be oddly steaming.)
SOULREAVER: I have perfected a potion so LETHAL it can kill anyone by just looking at it!
(Majin Bu looks at the bowl, then slurps it. There is a long pause.)
MAJIN BU: Needs ketchup.
[We shift to SCORPION and SUB-ZERO at the table.]
SCORPION: Our goal at SCRAMS is to educate our young heroes the qualities of teamwork, humility, and the respecting of their elders. With a little help and generous donations, we will be able to complete this enterprise.
SUB-ZERO: If you know someone suffering from self-insertion symptoms, or just wish to make something out of your career, contact our office on Aensland Parkway, just past Lucky Dan's Shrub Emporium and the Peek-A-Boo Hello Kitty Panty Panty Revue, or call our number at 1-877-69-SCRAMS to receive a brochure and other interesting liturature on this growing problem.
SCORPION: And now, back to the wonderful programming on the station, or something.