[SCENE: Back in the lobby. THE LOONS have gathered around a table, chatting
and drinking sundry beverages that, due to a lack of commercial investors,
will not be mentioned by brand name. ARL, S.D. and RACE are standing by
the snack bar, keeping a safe distance from the trio.]
S.D.: You know, I've been thinking about the 'fic...
ARL: That's probably a bad idea.
RACE: Speaking from experience, Arly?
ARL: Yes, and I have the hospital expenses to prove it. [to S.D.] I'm sorry,
what were you about to say?
S.D.: I was about to say that there's a possibility that Hutchins'
munchkin-like ways may not entirely be his fault.
ARL: "Not his fault?" He wrote the 'fic! How can it NOT be his fault?
S.D.: You ever see any of the source books for the Street Fighter RPG?
ARL: Can't say I have.
S.D.: How about you, Race?
RACE: Yeah, once. "30% less angst than other White Wolf products," right?
S.D.: Something like that. Anyway, I checked the books out on a whim, and
the way the newer fighting styles and skill point systems are set up seems
to encourage munchkin behavior. Heck, I've seen mock character sheets for
cybernetic human/agave worm hybrids that would make Hutchins look like *Dan*,
for chrissakes.
[Unseen to all, WANDERER shudders and clutches his temple in pain.]
RACE: Which means...?
S.D.: Which means that Ben is technically writing his character as he would
behave in a "normal" SFRPG. [pauses] Minus the smarm, of course.
ARL: There's always the possibility that self-insertion authors are, on the
whole, twinks, regardless of their styles or role-playing bases.
S.D.: Yeah, well, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the dou-
LOONS: YAY! FURY!
[ALL blink.]
RACE: ...the hell?
ARL: Something tells me I don't want to know, but morbid curiousity has the
best of me... unfortunately.
[They cast their gazes over to the table THE LOONS are sitting at, and find
that all three of them are wearing hats and T-shirts emblazoned with Fury
the dog's head and the words "FURY 3:16."]
GAVOK: I tell ya, Fury is a son of a bitch! You fellas know Fury?
TBS: Yeah, I know Fury! About seventy-five pounds, fourty-two teeth... and he
really *is* a son of a bitch, you know. I mean, he's a dog, right?
MMK: Not just *any* dog! He's FURY!
LOONS: YAY! FURY!
GAVOK: Fury dragged me from my burning car! He was the one who set it on fire!
MMK: I saw him paddle into the frigid waters of the Arctic and swallow a live
adult seal in one bite!
TBS: Fury's shedded fur is used to make Turkish Delight!
MMK: Fury taught Piro how to draw, and bought Largo his first b33r!
GAVOK: You know Fury's a big dog, right?
MMK: Oh yeah, he's, what? One hundred and thirty pounds, with seventy teeth?
GAVOK: Well, once I saw Fury bench-press five Nissan Pathfinders with one
paw! To Fury!
LOONS: YAY! FURY!
MMK: Fury knows the secret to KFC's blend of herbs and spices!
TBS: His Space Ghost episode was the third or fourth greatest ever!
GAVOK: Fury totally kicked my ass, Knight's ass and his *own* ass in Twisted
Metal: Black!
MMK: He introduced heroin and flannel to Kurt Cobain!
GAVOK: Fury was best man at my wedding! Slobbered on all the bridesmaids and
stole the wedding car!
TBS: Fury single-handedly kicked the ass of the Brazilian soccer team in the
qualifiers!
MMK: Well, why wouldn't he? He's a big dog.
GAVOK: Yeah, two hundred and twenty pounds, two rows of ninety-six teeth...
he's a tough bastard.
TBS: Reminds me of that time I was out drinking with Fury. Out of nowhere he
pulls out this chainsaw and slices me right in half! I ask him why he did it,
and he says, "if you have to ask, you'll never know." Those words changed my
life. To FURY!
LOONS: YAY! FURY!
RACE: Fury? I *know* Fury!
[THE LOONS turn and stare at RACE.]
RACE: ...what?
GAVOK: You're just trying to get free drinks out of us, aren't you?
RACE: No.
[They glare at him. He sighs.]
RACE: Alright, fine. I was.
MMK: The truth will set you free, Race. Now leave, lest the Great Fury
turn his righteous... righteous... uh... [gesticulates] ...help me
out here, guys...
TBS: Fury?
MMK: Yeah! Lest the Great Fury turn his righteous fury upon you!
LOONS: YAY! FURY!
[RACE sighs in exasperation and walks away.]
MMK: Hey guys, I hear Fury, E. Honda and Bill Brasky are hidden characters in
King of Fighters 2002!
GAVOK: He's faster than Strider, stronger than Zangief, tougher than Sentinel
and can combo five beam Supers together, and he's probably going to be even
tougher in the game!
TBS: Well, he's a tough dog. Four hundred pounds, three hundred teeth...
MMK: You guys know Fury wrote the source code for Earthbound?
GAVOK: I hear Fury is single-handedly responsible for the extinction of the
carrier pidgeon!
MMK: I once saw that magnificent bastard go fourty minutes in a Japanese Death
Match with Super Crazy and it was one of the greatest matches I've ever seen!
TBS: He has the number one television show in Japan!
GAVOK: Snot, that's me you're thinking of.
TBS: Oh, cool! TO GAVOK!
LOONS: YAY! GAVOK!
GAVOK: Thanks guys. Say, you know how Fury's a huge mother of a dog, right?
MMK: Yeah! Seven hundred and fifty-three pounds, four hundred and twenty
teeth...
GAVOK: Well, I heard-
SD <smirking>: I heard he's a giant chicken.
[THE LOONS blink, glance over at SD, look back at each other and think
for a moment before shrugging.]
MMK: He's a giant chicken! To FURY!
LOONS: YAY! FURY!
[SD growls.]
RACE: Your Loon-interrupting mojo has failed.
SD: Oh, shut up.
GAVOK: Fury fought the robot kings and saved the human race again!
MMK: I was in a black operation in the Amazon with Fury! Crazy mofo gnawed
down a tree to use as an escape raft with his tail!
TBS: His involvement in the Kananaskis G8 summit has led to policy changes
that will reduce the national debt of twenty-two African countries by over
$19 billion U.S.!
GAVOK: Fury leveled Tokyo *five times* with his psychic powers, just because!
TBS <singing>: Fury was a lensman, a way-ay-ay-ay...
MMK: Fury owns 51% of Macintosh AND Microsoft's stock, and pits them against
each other for kicks!
GAVOK: In King of Fighters '96 Fury pimp-slapped Goenitz to death, then slept
with Mature, Vice AND Chizuru, and it was the best damn night any of them
ever had! Here's to Fury, a one thousand and twenty pound, thousand-toothed
beast that could eat a hammer and no-sell a shotgun blast!
LOONS: YAY! FURY!
TBS: ...you know something? Even though Fury's responsible for seventeen
movie soundtracks and all the Billboard Top 40 hits of the week of June 15,
1997, nobody's ever written a song about him.
GAVOK: But if someone did write a song about him, I'm sure it would go a
little like this...
[Eighties-style synth music begins playing. GAVOK blinks.]
GAVOK: No, wait.
[The music abruptly stops with a loud record scratch.]
GAVOK: It would go like *this*...
------
The All Loon Revue
"What Would Wonder Dog Fury Do? (with apologies to DVDA)"
It Still Kinda Hurts When I Think About It
'Vok Around the Clock Records
Director: Roger Christian
------
GAVOK:
What would Wonder Dog Fury do
If he was here right now,
He'd make a plan
And he'd follow through,
That's what Wonder Dog Fury'd do.
MMK: Woah, hang on. "Wonder Dog Fury?"
GAVOK: If it was "Fury the Wonder Dog" then the beat would be off.
MMK: It sounds a little weird, but I'll roll with it.
TBS:
Fury the Wonder Dog was in Worcester,
Fighting Shadoloo,
He beat up Bison and his goons,
And trained Sakura too!
MMK:
When Fury was in MegaTokyo,
Duelling boomers rogue,
He kicked their ass with his Tae Kwan Do,
And his mighty... um...
[MMK pulls out a dictionary out of his sleeve and flips through it.]
MMK: ...brogue!
TBS: What's a brogue?
MMK: Says here it's "a thick and heavy shoe."
GAVOK: That works.
TBS: Wait, can dogs wear shoes?
GAVOK: No... but Fury can!
TBS: Oh yeah! Fury can do *anything!*
LOONS:
So if we turned on the Fury-Signal,
And he came to help today,
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or three,
That's what Fury would do for me.
GAVOK:
Fury's a credited M.D.,
And can perform brain surgery!
TBS:
Fury knows his Jeet Kun Do,
Judo, Karate and Tae Bo!
MMK:
He's a prodigy, like Doogie Howser,
But he's a dog, so he's Doogie Schnauser!
LOONS:
And what would Wonder Dog Fury do,
He'd call all SI's in town,
Make them repent their munchkin ways,
That's what Wonder Dog Fury would do.
TBS:
When Fury travelled through Space in the Wedge,
To Fahrvergnugen's space den,
He fought the evil Iczer-2,
And saved Gryph and Zoner again.
GAVOK:
And when Fury founded NASA,
He beat up Lord Quan Chi...
LOONS:
'Cause Fury the Wonder Dog doesn't take shit from ANYBODY!
So lets all get together,
And go to stop Shadoloo,
And we'll mock Gryphon and MegaZone too,
Cuz that's what Wonder Dog Fury'd do.
And we'll mock Gryphon and MegaZone too,
Cuz that's what Wonder Dog Fury'd dooooooo,
That's what Wonder Dog Fury'd do!
------
The All Loon Revue
"What Would Wonder Dog Fury Do? (with apologies to DVDA)"
It Still Kinda Hurts When I Think About It
'Vok Around the Clock Records
Director: Roger Christian
------
ARL: Wait, why would Fury make fun of Gryphon and Zoner? They're the
ones who feed him, take him on walks-
MMK: He's questioning the greatness of the One True Fury! GET HIM!!
ARL: Eep.
[ARL turns and runs for his life, with THE LOONS in hot pursuit.]
SD: ...I hate this theater.
WAND <over intercom>: Quick, Arly! Hide in here!
[The theater doors open and ARL runs in, still being chased by THE
LOONS.]
WAND <over intercom>: I am *smooth*.
AOD <over intercom>: Smooth like a gravel pit.
WAND <over intercom>: AoD, try as you may, you will not knock my moon
out of orbit and upset my tides of well-being-ness.
[SD and RACE look at each other, then roll their eyes and head into
the theater.]
---
So... yeah.
--RoPOH
"Remember this: Wandy thought it would be a good idea for me to write this, so if it sucks, then *technically* it's partly his fault."