May God forgive us. May history judge us charitably.
We have created text copies of all 20 chapters of James Sorge's "The Mark of Zenretsu", a Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat/Dragon Warrior/Mighty Ducks/Pokemon/Secret of Mana/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/WildC.A.T.S crossover fanfiction which has been clinically demonstrated to cause rats in laboratory cancer. We will post the first of these chapters to this board at noon tomorrow, Eastern Standard Time, to demonstrate that we are not bluffing.
All of the other chapters will be posted in succession, on alternating days, until all our demands are met. If any attempt is made to apprehend and arrest us -- any attempt at all -- all the remaining chapters will be posted at once, back-to-back.
We demand:
* That President George W. Bush immediately confiscate all personal fortunes above one million dollars;
* That this money, which we estimate makes a sum of approximately six trillion dollars, be distributed at once to the ten million families who are, according to the government's own standards, living below the poverty line, so that each poor family receives US$600,000;
* That all preparations for war on Iraq be suspended until President Bush explains, in a press conference, with neither assistance from a TelePrompTer nor advice from his staff, why it is a sign of being "soft on terrorism" to be less concerned about the known whereabouts whereabouts of Saddam Hussein than about the uncertain whereabouts of Osama bin Laden (among other philosophical conundra of the administration's ever-shifting rationale for the war pre-planned in 1998 by the Project for the New American Century);
* That Bob Somerby, David Brock and Eric Alterman be immediately given their own cable-TV talk shows;
* That the Supreme Court reverse 117 years of decisions predicated on the principle that it is unconstitutional to deny corporations any of the rights of natural persons, and equally unconstitutional to expect those corporations to shoulder any of the responsibilities of natural persons;
* That George Washington and Abraham Lincoln be removed from the one- and five-dollar bills and be replaced by Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig, respectively, as eternal reminders of the idiocy of worshipping money.
A final word of warning: We have been working on this project for several months and have the full capacity to do all that we say. The Bush Administration has been an oil executive's heaven and a progressive's hell. We intend to change that.