Fifty thousand fanboys at fifty thousand computers...
by
>Chapter 5: Evaluation Back At Base
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>Back at base, Chris recapped the evidence with Dino.
MMK: Don't make me bust a recap in yo' ass, foo'!
[It sounds kind of awkward to me, rephrase? -Zem]
[How's that? - zedd]
>"That's all I could get from Master So," said >Chris. "He didn't say any more than what I
>told you."
MARK <Chris>: Otherwise, I'd be making crap up, and that would be counterproductive.
>"Still, enough," said Dino. "So Dann is working for >Necrosaro."
>
>"Yeah, and now I'm done with this."
>
>"No you're not, Chris!" yelled Dino.
MMK <Albert the Alligator>: Us still got a couple miles of jollity to romp through before us is clear of this comic book.
TBS <Pogo Possum>: Don't strike us, sir, or you will rue it!
>"James is still defending another lawsuit he's under,
TIFF <Dino>: And by "defending," I mean "scaring off all the witnesses."
>so you're our best agent, Secret Kid. I'm charging >you with all the responsibility
VID: The individual words are fine; it's only the order they're in that worries me.
>to bring down Dann and his friends and bring them to >me."
>
>"Master Dino, Tung So Karate has been ransacked!" >said a young apprentice.
MARK <Dino>: What'd they take, all the dirty gis?
MMK: This is *clearly* the work of Baek. Dispatch Marshall Law immediately!
>"Who's responsible?" asked Dino.
VID: All right, you get three guesses, and the first two don't count.
>"Necrosaro and Dann Zenretsu," said the apprentice.
ALL: SHOCK!
>"Damn, they're tracking us," said Dino. "Make sure >all agents wear nothing Necrosaro can track. Everyone >wears only official suits now issued by the Heroes >Committee."
TIFF: The Heroes Committee! Your one-stop shop for all your clothing needs!
VID: Shouldn't the fact that you're wearing a Heroes Committee suit tip off the bad guys?
>"Got'cha," said the young apprentice as he forwarded >the message to all the members of the Heroes >Committee.
TBS: Who, convenietly, are all standing right behind him.
>"But I will not," said Chris. "I will still wear my >Rangers uniform."
>
>"Chris, you're such an old-hat.
GAVOK [Dino]: You're a fedora!
[Hey, Zem...? Style guide, plzkthx.]
> This is for your own safety," said Dino.
>
>"I've been on this team for three years: I can wear >what I want!"
>
MMK <Zack de la Rocha>: Fukk you, I won't wear what you tell me!
>"Chris, you have to follow orders," said Dino. "If >you don't, then you'll be killed by Dann Zenretsu for >sure."
>
>"I'll do it on my own," said Chris. "There's nothing >you can do to stop me!
VID: *Thrill* as Chris risks being *sent to bed without supper*!
> I'm doing as I please with my uniforms."
MMK [Dino]: Then do it on your own time!
>"Then, keep on this assignment and head for >Gardenbur.
TIFF <Dino>: Pardon me while I fold like a Chinese fan.
>I want you to contact Misty about
>the possible whereabouts of Dann Zenretsu."
>
>"Misty? The Poke-Girl?" asked Chris.
>
TIFF: ...He's dragging *Pokemon* into this.
MMK: Yes.
TIFF: There *is* no God.
TBS: Not last I checked.
> "Yes, that's right," said Dino. "Get all the
> information about Zenretsu and Pokemon out of her."
[TBS waggles his eyebrows.]
>"I don't do Pokemon
ALL: ...
>missions,"
ALL: Phew.
>said Chris. "I only work on the action ones."
>
>"You will do as I say or you will no longer have the >ability to be a hero,"
GAVOK [Dino]: We'll kick you off the team for not following regulations. Then you'll go out
on your own and single-handedly defeat all the bad guys. After we see how good a job you did,
we'll reinstate you in a huge awards ceremony!
MMK: Ladies and gentlemen, the plot of 90% of all action movies ever made, summed up in 3 lines.
[Sorry, Zem, but that was too good to stay a mere auctorial comment. -z]
> said Dino. "So go out and get the Pokemon >information!"
>
>"As you say, Master Dino," said Chris.
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>"Liu, I think something's up here," said >Chris. "Dino's never made us wear uniforms before!"
VID <Liu Kang>: I'd be more worried about the uniform's skirt, if I was you.
>"I think he's worried of the psychic power of Dann >Zenretsu personally," said Liu Kang. "He's only doing >it for your protection."
[MMK, GAVOK and TBS are suddenly wearing toilet seats on their heads.]
LOONS <chanting>: Sanitized for your protection, sanitized for your protection...
>"Still, isn't the agent's responsibility to keep >himself protected? It was when I came here after >Curse of the Nightmare.
MMK <Chris>: Which is available *now*, from Soft Skull Press!
MARK: Sander Hicks really *will* publish anything.
> Damn James for joining this group when he ran into >all the lawsuits!
TBS: I may be able to fanwank this into a witty postmodern commentary on the abuse of the American justice system, if I start now and try real hard.
GAVOK: Keep chasing that dream, Snot.
> I should've never listened."
>
>"Restrictions get tighter every time,"
TIFF [Liu Kang]: They're like seatbelts.
MMK: Or straitjackets.
> said Liu Kang. "You've got to learn how to live with
>it."
>
>"OK, so what do we know about Dann Zenretsu?" asked >Chris.
MARK [Liu Kang]: He's a Mary Sue. Like you.
>"We know he's attacked Edenia, been trained by a Sema >student, has psychic powers, an athletic talent, has >three friends, and blasted Master So's school to >oblivion," said Liu Kang.
GAVOK <Liu>: And he's a damn fine parcheesi player.
>"Not a very lot except for his display of power," >said Chris. "Any clue on where they may strike next?"
MMK: Dairy Queen?
GAVOK: The playground?
TBS: Preschool?
>"Not really," said Liu Kang.
>
>"Damn, then I got to go to Gardenbur,"
MARK: ...ger.
>said Chris. "I hate dealing with Pokemon, it's not
>my forte.
> I wish I was going to somewhere like Van Damme in >Sudden Death."
MARK: Van Damme isn't a location...
>"Hockey, is that all you think about?" asked Liu Kang.
GAVOK <Chris>: Well, that and the work of Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
>"Yeah, it's what I do for a living," said Chris.
> "I enjoy it: It's even more of a priority
> than karate and even seeing James sometimes."
TIFF: They do this on purpose, don't they?
TBS: See? I *told* you it's not my fault!
>"But you still respect the hell out of each other, right?" asked Liu Kang.
GAVOK <Chris>: If by "respect" you mean "hot steamy manlove," then--
>"Oh yeah, without James, I wouldn't be half as good >as I am now," said Chris. "What an inspiration he is, >despite his lack of skill."
>
>"You can say that again,"
MMK [Chris]: What an inspiration he is, despite his lack of skill.
VID: And the Most Obvious Joke award goes to... MMK!
MMK: I'd like to thank everyone in the Theater...
> said Liu Kang. "I wonder what he would do in this >situation..."
TIFF: "What Would James Do?" It's like "What Would Jesus Do," but even more annoying!
[GAVOK starts humming "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" under MMK's breath.]
MARK: Guys, you're *really* starting to freak me out now.
MMK: Only *now*? Sweet Kim, we *have* been lying down on the job!
>"I don't know," said Chris. "It's kind of tough >without the evidence: We're really going to have to >dig into this one here."
>
>"I'll put some holes into Dann's e-mail links," said >Liu Kang.
TIFF: And now, we present: Computer Secrets of the Shaolin Monks!
VID: It's like the Wheel of Life tour except no one moves!
> "We'll track the sources from here."
>
>"Wise idea," said Chris. "I'll go to Gardenbur to >make Dino happy. Just do something so Dann shows up >somewhere!"
>
MARK: Don't just do something, stand there!
>"I will do so," said Liu Kang. "You have my word on >it, big guy."
>
>"Also, watch Dino," said Chris. "I just have a very >suspicious feeling about this guy: I'm bringing the >suit, but I'm not going to wear it."
>
>"Excellent choice," said Liu Kang. "You're getting >smarter by the day."
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>Meanwhile, on the far-distant planet of Congo,
MMK <singing>: My name is little Bongo, my ear is very long-o...
> James had just finished getting a hoard of
>bananas because he lost to Donkey Kong in a Smashing >contest.
VID: What was the prize for the winner?
GAVOK: Ten minutes alone with a bound Pikachu and the Hammer powerup.
TIFF: Hey, wait. Pause to savor it, people: James just *lost*.
[ALL are silent for a moment.]
>"I hope I'm out of here soon," said James. "This is >not the nicest way to be spending your off time >between those lawsuits
TIFF: Up your ass.
>and no quests to go on!"
MMK: On the other hand, he *does* get to mack on Dixie Kong.
>"James! James!" announced a little cell phone.
TBS: I've heard mobiles with egotistical ringtones before, but that takes the *entire* cake.
>"Yes, who is this?" asked James.
>
>"It's Liu Kang. We have a bit of a problem here..."
>
>"Yes, Liu?" asked James.
GAVOK <Liu Kang, choking>: Shang Tsung has me in a chokehold, and--
>"Dann Zenretsu and three kids have launched attacks >all over the place, and Chris has been put on the >mission of finding them and bringing them down."
>
>"Who put Chris on that kind of mission?" asked >James. "He'll be destroyed by Dann's psychic power in >a flash."
[MMK [Dann] mimes flashing GAVOK [Chris]. GAVOK bursts into flame and falls over.]
MARK: Are you okay?
GAVOK: [still smoldering] I'll be fine.
>"Dino," said Liu Kang.
>
>"I don't care if Dann's a kid," said James,
TIFF <James>: ...since as we all know, the younger you are, the more ass you kick.
TBS: I have this darkly hilarious mental image of what childbirth must be like in the Ryogaverse.
TIFF: Kindly don't share.
TBS: I'd need sixty gallons of chum.
TIFF: I don't care.
TBS: And a RealDoll.
TIFF: Stop talking.
> "He can destroy anyone. It's why I don't work
>for Dino anymore. I can't trust his judgement."
>
>"I figured as much," said Liu Kang. "Is there any way >you can help Chris?"
>
>"I'll intercept Zenretsu when he attacks Chris. >They'll run for sure," said James. "Just give me >location details!"
VID <VSSE>: He lives in an old castle on the northwest island.
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RACE <over intercom>: Break time, little Smurfs.
[The doors open; six twangs, six clouds of dust left hanging in the front row, with speed lines leading to the doors.]