>Chapter 5: Evaluation Back At Base
>
>
>
>Back at base, Chris recapped the evidence with Dino.
MMK: Don't make me bust a recap in yo' ass, foo'!
[It sounds kind of awkward to me, rephrase? -Zem]
[How's that? - zedd]
>"That's all I could get from Master So," said
>Chris.
TBS <Chris>: ...and this nifty authentic chinese finger trap. [Shows a finger trap holding together his index fingers] Do you know how to take it off?
>"He didn't say any more than what I
>told you."
MARK <Chris>: Otherwise, I'd be making crap up, and that would be counterproductive.
>"Still, enough," said Dino. "So Dann is working for
>Necrosaro."
>
>"Yeah, and now I'm done with this."
GAVOK <Chris>: Quitting time! [Mimes punching in a timecard]
>"No you're not, Chris!" yelled Dino.
MMK <Albert the Alligator>: Us still got a couple miles of jollity to romp through before us is clear of this comic book.
TBS <Pogo Possum>: Don't strike us, sir, or you will rue it!
>"James is still defending another lawsuit he's under,
TIFF <Dino>: And by "defending," I mean "scaring off all the witnesses."
>so you're our best agent, Secret Kid. I'm charging
>you with all the responsibility
VID: The individual words are fine; it's only the order they're in that worries me.
>to bring down Dann and his friends and bring them to
>me."
GAVOK <Dino>: Bathe them and bring them to me!
>"Master Dino, Tung So Karate has been ransacked!"
>said a young apprentice.
MARK <Dino>: What'd they take, all the dirty gis?
MMK: This is *clearly* the work of Baek. Dispatch Marshall Law immediately!
>"Who's responsible?" asked Dino.
VID: All right, you get three guesses, and the first two don't count.
>"Necrosaro and Dann Zenretsu," said the apprentice.
ALL: SHOCK!
>"Damn, they're tracking us," said Dino. "Make sure
>all agents wear nothing Necrosaro can track. Everyone
>wears only official suits now issued by the Heroes
>Committee."
TIFF: The Heroes Committee! Your one-stop shop for all your clothing needs!
VID: Shouldn't the fact that you're wearing a Heroes Committee suit tip off the bad guys?
MARK: I mustn't think about the fic, I mustn't think about the fic...
>"Got'cha," said the young apprentice as he forwarded
>the message to all the members of the Heroes
>Committee.
TBS: Who, conveniently, are all standing right behind him.
VID: All five of them.
>"But I will not," said Chris. "I will still wear my
>Rangers uniform."
MMK: Chris, Chris, Chris... anyone can track you if you're wearing that... *especially* when you don't even bother to change after a stinking game!
>"Chris, you're such an old-hat.
GAVOK <Dino>: You're a fedora!
[Hey, Zem...? Style guide, plzkthx.]
> This is for your own safety," said Dino.
>
>"I've been on this team for three years: I can wear
>what I want!"
>
MMK <Zack de la Rocha>: Fukk you, I won't wear what you tell me!
>"Chris, you have to follow orders," said Dino. "If
>you don't, then you'll be killed by Dann Zenretsu for
>sure."
MARK: We can only hope.
>"I'll do it on my own," said Chris. "There's nothing
>you can do to stop me!
VID: *Thrill* as Chris risks being *sent to bed without supper*!
> I'm doing as I please with my uniforms."
MMK <Dino>: Then do it on your own time!
>"Then, keep on this assignment and head for
>Gardenbur.
TIFF <Dino>: Pardon me while I fold like a Chinese fan.
>I want you to contact Misty about
>the possible whereabouts of Dann Zenretsu."
>
>"Misty? The Poke-Girl?" asked Chris.
>
TIFF: ...he's dragging *Pokemon* into this.
MMK: Yes.
TIFF: There *is* no God.
TBS: Not since last I checked.
> "Yes, that's right," said Dino. "Get all the
> information about Zenretsu and Pokemon out of her."
[TBS waggles his eyebrows.]
>"I don't do Pokemon
ALL: ...
>missions,"
ALL: Phew.
>said Chris. "I only work on the action ones."
>
>"You will do as I say or you will no longer have the >ability to be a hero,"
GAVOK <Dino>: We'll kick you off the team for not following regulations. Then you'll go out on your own and single-handedly defeat all the bad guys. After we see how good a job you did, we'll reinstate you in a huge awards ceremony!
MMK: Ladies and gentlemen, the plot of 90% of all action movies ever made, summed up in 3 lines.
[Sorry, Zem, but that was too good to stay a mere auctorial comment. -z]
> said Dino. "So go out and get the Pokemon
>information!"
MARK <Chris>: Why not just buy a freaking Pokedex?
GAVOK <Chris>: Or download something from GameFAQs?
>"As you say, Master Dino," said Chris.
>
>
>
>"Liu, I think something's up here," said
>Chris. "Dino's never made us wear uniforms before!"
VID <Liu Kang>: I'd be more worried about the uniform's skirt, if I was you.
>"I think he's worried of the psychic power of Dann
>Zenretsu personally," said Liu Kang. "He's only doing
>it for your protection."
[MMK, GAVOK and TBS are suddenly wearing toilet seats on their heads.]
LOONS <chanting>: Sanitized for your protection, sanitized for your protection...
>"Still, isn't the agent's responsibility to keep
>himself protected?
TBS <Chris>: I mean, I bring along a condom in my wallet all the time!
>It was when I came here after
>Curse of the Nightmare.
MMK <Chris>: Which is available *now*, from Soft Skull Press!
MARK: Sander Hicks really *will* publish anything.
> Damn James for joining this group when he ran into
>all the lawsuits!
TBS: I may be able to fanwank this into a witty postmodern commentary on the abuse of the American justice system, if I start now and try real hard.
GAVOK: Keep chasing that dream, Snot.
> I should've never listened."
>
>"Restrictions get tighter every time,"
TIFF <Liu Kang>: They're like seatbelts.
MMK: Or straitjackets.
> said Liu Kang. "You've got to learn how to live with
>it."
>
>"OK, so what do we know about Dann Zenretsu?" asked
>Chris.
MARK <Liu Kang>: He's a Mary Sue. Like you.
>"We know he's attacked Edenia, been trained by a Sema
>student, has psychic powers, an athletic talent, has
>three friends, and blasted Master So's school to
>oblivion," said Liu Kang.
GAVOK <Liu Kang>: And he's a damn fine parcheesi player.
TBS: The part of Liu Kang is temporarily being portrayed by Sailor Exposition.
>"Not a very lot except for his display of power,"
>said Chris. "Any clue on where they may strike next?"
MMK: Dairy Queen?
GAVOK: The playground?
TBS: Preschool?
>"Not really," said Liu Kang.
>
>"Damn, then I got to go to Gardenbur,"
MARK: ...ger.
>said Chris. "I hate dealing with Pokemon, it's not
>my forte.
>I wish I was going to somewhere like Van Damme in
>Sudden Death."
MARK: Van Damme isn't a location...
>"Hockey, is that all you think about?" asked Liu Kang.
GAVOK <Chris>: Well, that and the work of Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
>"Yeah, it's what I do for a living," said Chris.
MARK: Profession: Peewee Amateur Hockey Player/Uber SI.
MMK: Looks good on any resume!
> "I enjoy it: It's even more of a priority
> than karate and even seeing James sometimes."
TIFF: They do this on purpose, don't they?
TBS: See? I *told* you it's not my fault!
>"But you still respect the hell out of each other, right?" asked Liu Kang.
GAVOK <Chris>: If by "respect" you mean "hot steamy manlove," then--
>"Oh yeah, without James, I wouldn't be half as good
>as I am now," said Chris.
MARK: See, it's kinda like how wrestlers need bookers to book them against jobbers...
>"What an inspiration he is,
>despite his lack of skill."
>
>"You can say that again,"
MMK <Chris>: What an inspiration he is, despite his lack of skill.
VID: And the Most Obvious Joke award goes to... MMK!
MMK: I'd like to thank everyone in the Theater...
> said Liu Kang. "I wonder what he would do in this
>situation..."
TIFF: "What Would James Do?" It's like "What Would Jesus Do," but even more annoying!
[GAVOK starts humming "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" under MMK's breath.]
MARK: Guys, you're *really* starting to freak me out now.
MMK: Only *now*? Sweet Kim, we *have* been lying down on the job!
>"I don't know," said Chris. "It's kind of tough
>without the evidence: We're really going to have to
>dig into this one here."
TBS: I brought the spade! [Waves around a spade]
GAVOK: I brought the pick-axe! [Waves around the pick-axe]
MMK: I brought the Pocky! [Waves around a box of Pocky]
ALL: Dig in!
[ALL grab snacks.]
>"I'll put some holes into Dann's e-mail links," said
>Liu Kang.
TIFF: And now, we present: Computer Secrets of the Shaolin Monks!
VID: It's like the Wheel of Life tour except no one moves!
> "We'll track the sources from here."
>
>"Wise idea," said Chris. "I'll go to Gardenbur to
>make Dino happy.
TBS: Ewww... too much information.
>Just do something so Dann shows up
>somewhere!"
>
MARK: Don't just do something, stand there!
>"I will do so," said Liu Kang. "You have my word on
>it, big guy."
[ALL blink.]
GAVOK: Big guy?
MMK <Francis>: Gaaaaaaay...
>"Also, watch Dino," said Chris. "I just have a very
>suspicious feeling about this guy: I'm bringing the
>suit, but I'm not going to wear it."
>
>"Excellent choice," said Liu Kang. "You're getting
>smarter by the day."
MARK <narrator>: We've secretly replaced Liu Kang with Waylon Smithers. Let's see if Chris notices.
>
>
>Meanwhile, on the far-distant planet of Congo,
MMK <singing>: My name is little Bongo, my ear is very long-o...
> James had just finished getting a hoard of
>bananas because he lost to Donkey Kong in a Smashing
>contest.
VID: What was the prize for the winner?
GAVOK: Ten minutes alone with a bound Pikachu and the Hammer powerup.
TIFF: Hey, wait. Pause to savor it, people: James just *lost*.
[ALL are silent for a moment.]
>"I hope I'm out of here soon," said James. "This is
>not the nicest way to be spending your off time
>between those lawsuits
TIFF: Up your ass.
>and no quests to go on!"
MMK: On the other hand, he *does* get to mack on Dixie Kong.
>"James! James!" announced a little cell phone.
TBS: I've heard mobiles with egotistical ringtones before, but that takes the *entire* cake.
>"Yes, who is this?" asked James.
>
>"It's Liu Kang. We have a bit of a problem here..."
>
>"Yes, Liu?" asked James.
GAVOK <Liu Kang, choking>: Shang Tsung has me in a chokehold, and--
>"Dann Zenretsu and three kids have launched attacks
>all over the place, and Chris has been put on the
>mission of finding them and bringing them down."
TBS <Liu Kang>: Err... figuratively-speaking... er, you know what I mean...
>"Who put Chris on that kind of mission?" asked
>James. "He'll be destroyed by Dann's psychic power in
>a flash."
[MMK <Dann> mimes flashing GAVOK <Chris>. GAVOK bursts into flame and falls over.]
MARK: Are you okay?
GAVOK: [still smoldering] I'll be fine.
>"Dino," said Liu Kang.
>
>"I don't care if Dann's a kid," said James,
TIFF <James>: ...since as we all know, the younger you are, the more ass you kick.
TBS: I have this darkly hilarious mental image of what childbirth must be like in the Ryogaverse.
TIFF: Kindly don't share.
TBS: I'd need sixty gallons of chum.
TIFF: I don't care.
TBS: And a RealDoll.
TIFF: Stop talking.
> "He can destroy anyone. It's why I don't work
>for Dino anymore. I can't trust his judgement."
GAVOK <James>: That, and he keeps hitting on me!
>"I figured as much," said Liu Kang. "Is there any way
>you can help Chris?"
MMK <James>: Hmmm... Here's what I want you to do: bring a bucket of lime, some wire hangers, a llama, and a portable teleporter and meet me at the old clock tower.
GAVOK <Liu Kang>: Okay! [Pause] How will this help Chris?
MMK <James>: It won't. But I got a *great* idea for a prank!
GAVOK <Liu Kang>: All right!
>"I'll intercept Zenretsu when he attacks Chris.
>They'll run for sure," said James.
TIFF: I don't doubt it, upon seeing him.
>"Just give me location details!"
VID <VSSE>: He lives in an old castle on the northwest island.
>
>
>
RACE <over intercom>: Break time, little Smurfs.
[The doors open; six twangs, six clouds of dust left hanging in the front row, with speed lines leading to the doors.]