TBS <Pikachu>: Pika, pika pi.
MMK <Bulbasaur>: Bulba! Bulbasaur bul.
GAVOK <Charmander>: Charmander char!
MARK <narrator>: The end!
>Chris arrived out of his transporter near the well by Izmit in the World of Dragon Warrior.
GAVOK: ...resting on the backs of four elephants that stood on the back of a giant turtle...
TIFF: ...near Bifrost the rainbow bridge...
TBS: ...along the yellow brick road...
MMK: ...around the old oak tree...
MARK: ...over the hill and over the dale...
VID: ...and over the bourn to Dawlish.
{There's your obligatory classical cultural references. -Mark}
>"This should take care of Dino's suit," said Chris. "I smell trouble with it."
VID: Funny, I usually smell trouble with my nose.
[The sound ofchirping crickets is heard.]
VID: Well...I do.
> Chris then
>took the suit and threw it down the deep, dark, damp well where kids used to play.
GAVOK <singing>: This used to be my playground...this used to be my deep, dark dank hole in the ground...
TBS: A certain woman is angry about that whole set-up.
MARK <Sadako>: Damn pesky kids and their rock music!
>"This once peaceful place is now dangerous," said Chris. "If Dino's plans are sinister,
>then his plans will go to the monsters."
VID: Well, this story is a quack which has gone to the dogs. So?
[This needs a fitting, if horrible, hospital-type pun.]
>Chris then took his boat down the river and proceeded to go towards the Castle of
>Gardenbur, the Castle of Women.
TBS: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Sir Galahad will be played by Chris.
>"I'm not going to get past these guards," said Chris. "Ugh, what do I do?"
>
>"Yo Chris!" yelled a voice over the cell phone.
TIFFA: "Yo Chris!"? That has to be the stupidest ring tone I've ever heard.
MARK: Still better than a Blink 182 song.
TIFFA: True.
>"Who is this?" asked Chris.
>
>"Agent Mana, not a member of Dino's Heroes Committee," said the voice.
>
>"Eric Mana?" asked Chris. "One of James's old buddies?"
>
>"Oh yeah, former member of the Karate Four years ago, like Caliera also was," said the
>voice. "So, you're trying to get into Gardenbur, eh?"
MMK <Chris>: Yeah, I--wait, how did you know?
GAVOK <Eric>: We're psychic, remember?
VID <Eric>: Could you wait a while? We're still setting up the traps.
>"Yeah," said Chris. "They're all women!"
MMK <Mana>: Stay put! It's too perilous!
GAVOK <Chris>: No, let me face the peril!
MMK <Mana>: You shouldn't even know about peril at your age.
GAVOK <Chris>: Just a little peril?
MMK <Mana>: No, it's unhealthy.
GAVOK <Chris>: I bet you're gay.
>"Use your Hockey Stick.
TBS: That's one good way to get oneself into a woman.
VID <to TIFF>: Um, match you for it?
[VID and TIFF play Rock-Paper-Scissors. TIFF wins. A moment of unimaginable violence ensues, after which TIFF krazy-glues TBS back together.]
[Violence, anyone?]
[How's that? -z]
>James put a little surprise in there before he left you the last
>time."
TIFF: If the surprise can't be measured in megatons, I don't care.
MMK <Chris>: It's a... [mimes taking out something] halibut?
>Chris then said in surprise, "C'mon, James wouldn't do that!"
>
>"He put the Staff of Change in there.
MMK: It only cost a couple of quarters.
GAVOK: Ba-dum-bum-CHING!
>You can change your shape to sneak past the guards!"
>
>"COOL," exclaimed Chris. "That'll fool those stupid guards!"
VID: Yeah. All he'd have to do is change himself to look less like a certain fanfic author, and no one would recognize him.
>Chris, after disconnecting Agent Mana,
TIFF: ...in particular, his head from his spine....
>waved his hockey stick. Wa-la, Chris suddenly became
>a beautiful dancer in place of his original self.
>
>"This should be a dandy,"
MARK: "Dandy"? He's crossdressing? Who wrote this, Harvey Feirstein?
> said Chris. "Now, to find Misty."
>
>
>
>"Who goes there?" asked the guard.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio," said Chris. "I wish to enter the all-women's castle of Gardenbur.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio? You're a good dancer all right," the guard said speaking to Chris
>dancing.
[TBS leaps up on to the backs of the chairs in front of the group.]
TBS: That's the cue for the big dance number I have choreographed! Under your seats you'll find diagrams describing your place and actions in the dance!
[All the others stare at him hard. He pulls out a bag.]
TBS: I've got all the costumes in here! Tutus and combat boots for all! C'mon kids! Let's put on a show! We can save Mr. McMurtry's farm with a little elbow grease and Mark's dad's barn! It'll be swe...
[It's uncertain who put their boot to TBS's head first. Some would say TIFF, others would say GAVOK, some would swear up and down that it was Keyzer Soze. No matter who it was, Snotling flew the length of the theatre, bounced off the screen, and landed back in the exact same place he started.]
TBS: Or I could just sit down and shut up! But I'm still wearing this tutu! [weeping] It makes me feel pretty.
>"OK, you can come in. Our queen will be most pleased."
>
>
>
>Chris walked into the castle, and after secretly losing his disguise, headed straight for
>the castle pool.
VID: The Perv is strong in this one.
>"Now what will get Misty's attention?" asked Chris. "Now I remember!
TIFF: Pokemon?
MARK: Mall sales?
TBS: Ash in bondage gear?
>James always labeled
>this one ball he gave me
TIFF <Chris>: ...'My testicle.'
[ALL MALES involuntarily cross their legs as TIFF snickers.]
>'Misty's worst fear'. I wonder what it does..."
MARK: Maybe it releases a batch of Professor Crane's gas?
TBS: Riiight...
MARK: I can hope for something fun, can't I?
>Chris then took the ball, and threw it into the pool. Out came a Caterpie Pokemon!
MMK <Caterpie>: Hey! This isn't Pismo Beach!
[And all the clams we can eat. -z]
>Many of the girls did not notice the Caterpie Pokemon, but one sure did.
>
>"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE BUGS!"
TIFF: My, I'm amazed by the three-dimensional characterizations here...
>"Misty?" asked Chris. "I should've known from our profiles that you hated bugs!"
>
>"YEEEEAH! YOU THREW THAT BUG?!" yelled Misty. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
>
TIFF: Misty -- she doesn't take kindly to having Bug Pokemon thrown at her, and she *doesn't* take Johto Express.
>"I need to..."
>
>"STARMIE, I CHOOSE YOU!" Misty threw out a large Starfish-like Pokemon that looked pretty
>ticked off.
MMK <Starmie>: Keen!
>"OOOOH!" said the Starmie, as it hunted Chris down.
>
>"STARMIE, SWIFT ATTACK!" directed Misty.
TBS <Starmie>: Umm, what's my motivation?
MARK: After which Misty immediately said "Cut!"
> The Starmie then fired hundreds of energy star
>bolts at Chris until he was bruised all over.
ALL: Yay!
>"I hope that teaches you to respect the fact that I don't like bugs," said Misty.
>
>"Well, if you won't talk, then I will. CATERPIE, CRAWL!"
>The Caterpie crawled up Misty's shoulder and started tickling her.
VID: "[PING] Misty: 3 seconds".
>"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Misty. "What do you want?"
>
>"I don't like Pokemon too much, but Dino asked me to get some information on the Starmie
>Pokemon
TIFF: Did he? I must have blinked and missed that.
[I know I did, first time through anyway. -z]
>for the Heroes Committee, and information on Dann Zenretsu."
GAVOK <Chris, valley girl>: Like, what are his likes and dislikes, his fave colors, you know?
TBS <Chris, valley girl>: And does he think I'm cute?
>"DANN Zenretsu?!!!!" yelled Misty.
TIFF: Which was about all she did in this fic so far. Yell, that is.
>"That no-good Filipino bruiser with all of his friends
>bullying Ash and Brock into submission???!!!
MARK: And all this happened since when?
MMK: Last Tuesday.
> I'd do ANYTHING to bring him down,
TBS: ...annnything?
[Weapons are readied.]
TBS: I'll be good.
>but first,
>get rid of the Caterpie, please."
>
>"How do I do that?" asked Chris. "I do not like Pokemon that much."
>
>"Just tell it to RETURN, you idiot!" yelled Misty.
TIFF <Misty>: Hit any key to continue! I don't care which one!
"Can't you figure out ANYTHING
>simple???!!!"
MARK: And here, Misty displays the same winning interpersonal skills that make it clear why Ash kept travelling with her for so long.
TBS: Until Mystaria and Ashura were old enough to make ze wild manque-lurve.
[The grinding of TIFF's teeth is as like unto that of tectonic plates.]
>"CATERPIE, RETURN!" commanded Chris, and the Pokemon returned to its ball.
>
>"STARMIE, RETURN!" Misty returned the favor with her Pokemon.
>
>
>
>"Dann Zenretsu, that no good, sniveling Filipino kid, has been picking on Ash, Brock and me
>since that no-good Necrosaro returned from his grave.
MMK <Zeus>: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE.
>He has been searching out for the
>most powerful Pokemon, even though he admits he hates them himself. Worse, Alex Getney and
>the other two are rampagaing occasionally through Gardenbur, plundering and taking whatever
>they can find," commented Misty.
GAVOK: Mostly ales and whores.
MMK: And cheese.
TBS: And nachos. Can't forget nachos.
>So, Dann's behavior went totally south when Necrosaro arrived?" asked Chris. "I've heard
>the same story over and over again."
>
>"They're after the Pokemon and the legendary Items of Legend," said Misty. "Why I do not
>know."
MMK <Haohmaru>: HA! IT IS BECAUSE THEY HOPE TO BE AS LEGENDARY AS ME, THAT IS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU! BUT ALAS, THEIRS IS A FOREDOOMED ATTEMPT, FOR MINE IS THE WARRIOR'S WAY, THE WANDERING WAY, THE WAY-HEY-HEY...
>"Well, you know that the Items of Legend are the things that can defeat Necrosaro, right?"
>asked Chris.
MARK: Why do I suddenly have this ominous feeling that one of the Items of Legend is going to turn out to be a hockey stick?
TIFF: You too?
>"Yes, that's a very good reason. But why Pokemon also?" asked Misty.
VID: Because you just gotta catch 'em all!
[I oughta be bapped for that one.]
>
>"I know James was experimenting with the monsters," said Chris. "If these four are on a
>mission to destroy James, then that could be why."
>
>"James? The Great Hero?" asked Misty.
[ALL giggle.]
>"Yes," said Chris.
>
>"Then you must be THE LEGENDARY CHRIS!"
VID <Misty>: LEGENDARY CHRIS! Seeker of the legendary Item of Legendary Legends! Legend says that legendary things happen around you legendarily often! I'm legendarily pleased to meet a legendary legend among legends as yourself!
> yelled Misty. "I'm so honored to be around you."
MARK <Misty, wailing>: I just want to bask in your reflected glory! Reflected glory!
>"Cut the flattery," said Chris, "I want to know if Dann Zenretsu and company are still here
>at Gardenbur."
>
>"As far as I know, yes they are!" said Misty. And they're.... RIGHT THERE!"
GAVOK <The Joker>: Made you look!
>Alex Getney was running with what seemed to be a green helmet.
VID <Bill Maher>: You just make stuff up, don't you?
>Alex Getney knocked the
>Starmie flat back in one shot.
>
>"GRRRRRR," yelled Misty.
TBS <Misty>: STUPID CAPS LOCK KEY!
>"I got him Misty," said Chris, as he took out his hockey stick and a puck and suddenly
>fired it at the back of Alex Getney's head, "HOCKEY PUCK!"
>
>Alex was banged,
[TBS opens his mouth.]
TIFF: No.
TBS: But dammit, it's right there on the--!
GAVOK: IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHAT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE SCREEN!
TIFF: Thank you. I think.
>and he dropped like a rock, but Emmanuel was there and caught the
>Zenethian Helmet. Dann also looked on.
>
>"You FIENDS!" yelled Misty. "Give back that helmet, it's the property of the queen!"
>
>"You had your chance to join us, girly!" said Dann. "Now face my psychic power!" Dann used
>his psychic power to put a choke-hold on Misty.
VID <Dann>: [mimes pinching his thumb and index finger and squinting] I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!
>"Get out of that, girly!" cackled Dann. "Stay out of our business."
>
>Chris then charged Dann,
MARK <Chris>: That'll be five bucks.
[TBS does a rimshot.]
>"HOCKEY STICK SLICE!" Dann let go of the psychic hold to dodge
>Chris.
>
>"We're not out for a ten-year old," said Dann.
TBS <Dann>: I mean, who do we look like, Jacko?
>"Let's go, boys! We've already got the
>legendary Moltres and the Zenethian Helmet."
>
>"You're not going anywhere," said Chris.
>
>"That's what you think," said Adam who just walked in. "VOLTORB, SELF-DESTRUCT!"
>
>Adam then threw what seemed to be a Poke Ball in the direction of Misty and Chris.
>"VOLTORB!"
>
>Suddenly, the Voltorb blew into smoke,
MMK <Voltorb>: I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your Pokemon Center down!
>and Dann and his friends made an exit.
>
>"DAMN YOU!" yelled Misty to Dann and his friends.
MMK <Dann>: That's right, DANN ME!
>
>A bit later, Misty and Chris were chatting at the dinner table after they had cleaned up
>their slight wounds.
>
>"Chris, understand me now. You cannot defeat Dann Zenretsu.
MARK: If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die.
>You might be able to defeat
>even Alex, but Dann's power is given to him by a great evil source, possibly greater than
>even Necrosaro himself."
>
>"Jedi Knights?" asked Chris.
[Mass facefault.]
VID: I think my head is melting.
>"Possibly, but he does have that power, but I don't think it's Jedi."
>
MMK: Could be Jei.
TBS: Or Asagiri Kenjutsu.
VID: Please, don't let it be Teras Kasi.
>"What could it be?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know," said Misty. "But I do know that James is investigating this as we speak."
>"WHAT? I thought James was on..." said Chris.
MARK <Misty>: Actually, we don't tell you a lot of things.
>"I don't know, you'd have to ask James himself," said Misty.
>
>"But no one knows where the hell James is!" yelled Chris.
>
TIFF: You can tell it's mature 'cause he swears like a sailor.
MMK: And drinks like a Mick.
TBS: And don't forget, his only words of wisdom were--
GAVOK <hastily>: [RADIO EDIT].
>"Then, my suggestion: Go back to Dino, but don't wear any of those uniforms. Heroes
>Committee heroes are falling by the minute."
MMK <Beowulf Shaeffer>: Perfectly respectable gentlemen took to leaving their hotel windows without their lift belts.
>"I knew something was funny about those," said Chris. "Any information on what Dann and
>company has collected?"
VID <Misty>: Why, yes. I have his pokedex right here.
>"Dino will know," said Misty. "Ask him, and on your next mission, be prepared for
>anything."