> Sure, Ryu and Ben and their fellow fighters make their living
> knocking each other
S.D.: --up.
> out,
[S.D. snaps her fingers.]
> and there's an obvious danger involved with
> that.
GAVOK <announcer>: Necks broken; bodies bruised; careers ended in an instant...
MMK <announcer>: Yes, this is fight fanfiction, but the hazards are real.
TBS <announcer>: Whatever you do, please don't try this at home.
> But at their skill level especially, they have such an intimate
> knowledge of their abilities and the way their bodies work that they
> can do it carefully. Any decent fighter on the circuit knows how to
> take even a knockout blow with minimal damage,
RACE: So, in reality, when they writhe and moan in pain while clutching their sides, that's really just "selling" the move?
[The LOONS nod.]
RACE: Fancy that.
> and the honorable ones
> know how to throw a knockout blow with care as well, oxymoronic as
> that sounds.
ARL: So I punch you out... with love.
TBS: It works in Alabama.
> A common street thug with a two-by-four, on the other hand,
> isn't likely to be as careful or as skilled,
MMK: And they're probably not as considerate, too.
> and Sakura was both inexperienced and taken by surprise.
TBS: At this point the gags are helpfully writing themselves for me.
ARL: You don't say.
> Gryph I glanced at each other,
RACE: Ah. The prequel to Gryph II.
> and didn't need to elaborate on the message we exchanged with that
> brief eye contact.
S.D.: Ah, young love...
> We were both deeply worried.
TBS <Zoner>: We both forgot to set the VCR, didn't we?
> They'd only just met the day before yesterday... for that
> matter, I'd only just met her the day before yesterday myself. And
> yet I was easily as worried as Ben. Neither of us even like kids.
GAVOK <MZ>: They're too greasy, and there's hardly enough meat on their
bones.
> We went straight to the maze of streets that crawl up Bancroft
> Hill near WPI,
ARL <MZ>: And spent the next three hours trying to locate that damn piece of cheese that was supposed to be waiting for us.
> as fast as I could safely get the Suburban to go,
MMK <MZ>: ...unfortunately, Gryphon drove like a near-sighted grandmother.
GAVOK <Gryphon>: Hey! It's called "defensive driving"!
> then pulled up at a familiar house. As I entered the house's foyer
RACE <Zoner>: ...the doors closed behind us with an ominous yell.
"Go check around that way," Gryphon said, shortly before
becoming zombie fodder...
> (Gryphon behind me, cradling Sakura in his arms like a big rag doll),
S.D.: ...which it actually was.
ARL: They had to resort to low budget special effects because Ryu's contract was expensive.
> the jangling bell on the door summoned Dr. Joachim Mueller from the
> back of the house. As he entered the foyer, he recognized us
> immediately,
TBS <Dr. Mueller>: I already *buy* from Amway, you pesky fucks!
> and took in the sight of the three of us impassively.
> Dr. Mueller has known Gryph and I long enough to take this kind of
> thing in stride.
S.D. <Dr. Mueller>: Yeah, yeah, *another* underage pregnancy, whoop dee do. I can't leave you two anywhere.
> "Well, well," he murmured, patting his large hands together.
> "You find the most interesting things for old Doctor Mueller to
> handle, don't you?"
[MMK and S.D. snicker. RACE growls.]
> Tall, white-haired, and patrician,
TBS: With a little terrier called Wuffles...
> Dr. Mueller is from Germany, and it still echoes in his English today.
MMK: [suddenly wearing a Colonel Klink costume] Vell, shouldn't he be speakink like this?
GAVOK: He didn't take Stereotypical German Acting 101 in high school, unfortunately.
MMK: [abruptly normal] Ah!
> He left Germany as a young medical student in the late 1930s, just
> before Hitler plunged the nation into the insanity that was the
> Second World War.
ARL: And, immigration acts being what they were at the time, had nowhere to go but the South Pole for thirty years.
> Now in his late seventies, he was mostly retired, but as an old friend
> of my family's, he still came out from time to time
TBS <Dr. Mueller>: I'm a septuagenarian doctor from Germany and I am gay.
> to patch me or Gryph up after our less than reportable injuries.
RACE: ...or when they run out of cash and insurance for the hospital.
> I trusted his skills and his
> discretion implicitly.
ARL: Translation: Allies 2.
> "Well, what's the story with this one?"
S.D: Oh yeah. Discreet like a hand grenade.
> he asked as he led us to the guest bedroom
RACE <MZ>: "Bomp-chicka-wow-wow"ing all the way there.
GAVOK <Dr. Mueller>: Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggety-*goo*!
> he used as an exam room for his infrequent visitors
ARL: And as a storage room for extra ammunition in case them zombies attack again.
GAVOK: It also doubles as a paintball arena during Fourth of July mock battles!
MMK: And a hemp rope factory in the summer!
TBS: Sometimes, it's used by the local backyard wrestling federation!
GAVOK: Of course, the head booker and heavyweight champion of said federation is -- FURY!
LOONS: YAY FURY!
[More?]
> and gestured for Gryph to put Sakura down on the bed.
GAVOK <Dr. Mueller>: Heh. Heh. Alllll-right.
> Gryph and I between us told him as much of the story as we knew.
MMK <Gryphon>: Okay, sto--
[He is drowned out by the audible grinding of ARL's teeth.]
> Dr. Mueller raised an eyebrow when we got to the part about Gryph's
> ill-fated call to Sakura's father,
RACE <Dr. Mueller>: You *didn't* *use* 1-800-COLLECT?
> but he said only, "Mmm, your day is
> just beginning to get complicated, then," as he bent over the guest bed.
> "Pulse is good... breathing is strong.
MMK <Dr. Mueller>: Muscle tone good.
S.D. <Dr. Mueller>: Breasts are firm and perky.
TBS <Dr. Mueller>: Lips need lip gloss.
[RACE snaps a mini-spatula into two as the others giggle.]
> Hello? Young lady, can you hear
> me?" He took a penlight out of his pocket, gently pried open one of
> Sakura's eyes,
[TBS makes a creaking noise.]
> and shone the light in.
MMK <singing>: In the end, the thing that keeps me walkin' is your shine...
GAVOK <Zoner>: AUGH! PHOTONS! The sun is way too loud today!
> She blinked, flinched, and then settled slowly into the
> mattress and pillows with a long, descending groan.
ARL <narrating>: ...as the La Brea Mattress claimed another victim.
> "Pupil reaction is good," mused Dr. Mueller to himself as he
> returned the pen to his pocket. "How do you feel, young lady?"
TBS <Sakura>: Like chicken tonight.
> "Like a Texaco tank truck ran over me," Sakura replied
> weakly, "backed up, and ran over me again."
[A pause.]
RACE <Gryphon>: Texaco has tanks? Oh, shit.
> "Well, you remember your English, that's a good sign," Mueller
> replied. "Whenever I get clonked on the head, first thing I do, I
> start speaking in German again."
GAVOK: Me too.
ARL: Gavok, you don't *know* any German.
GAVOK: Sure I do! Watch.
[GAVOK smacks himself in the head with a steel chair.]
GAVOK: Mein luftkissenfahrzeug ist von den aalen voll.
> "If I was speaking German," Sakura said with a wan smile, "I'd
> really be in trouble."
MMK: Well, she knows a *little* German... and as a matter of fact,
I know a little German, too!
S.D.: Really.
MMK: Yup. He's sitting right over there.
[MMK points to TBS, dressed in leiderhosen.]
TBS: Guten tag!
S.D.: ...
> "Well, let's look at your head, now. Sit up, but slowly, or
> you'll make yourself sick."
> Obediently, Sakura sat gingerly up so Mueller could look at
TBS: Too easy.
RACE: [Puts away some spatulas] Good.
He gently moved the blood-matted hair out of
> the way with one hand and used the other to wield the penlight again.
[GAVOK makes lightsaber noises.]
> "Mmm... broken skin and a bit of bleeding, but the scalp is fine, and
> you've got a good strong skull, young lady.
TBS <Dr. Mueller>: Just to make sure, I'm prescribing a few test headbutts.
> If there were anything seriously wrong, I doubt
> I would have been able to wake you by simply
> shining a light in your eye. All right, lie back. Are you hurt
> anywhere else?"
S.D., MMK: PORN TRIGGER!
RACE: Cut that the hell out!
> "Right now I hurt all over," she said, leaning her head gently
> back against the pillow.
TBS <Mueller>: Then let me kiss your booboo.
> "How does your head feel?"
RACE <Sakura>: Round?
> She considered, then reported with a slightly surprised tone,
S.D. <Sakura>: I actually *can't* feel it, any more.
ARL <Dr. Mueller>: I see.
S.D. <Sakura>: Is that bad?
ARL <Dr. Mueller>: No, should be fine.
S.D. <Sakura>: Well, okay.
> "No worse than the rest of me, really."
> "Also a good sign," said Mueller with a smile. "Well, I don't
> think you've suffered any permanent harm." He turned to me. "Keep an
> eye on her for the rest of today. Don't let her go to sleep until you
> turn in tonight, and only a light dinner is in order.
ARL <Mueller>: ...but don't feed her after midnight, all right?
> If she gets overwhelmingly drowsy, passes out, or becomes incoherent,
TBS <Mueller>: She is *not*... "coming on to you," I believe you have put it.
> call me and we'll get her over to UMassMed for some X rays.
S.D. <Zoner>: And if she starts singing the blues?
GAVOK <Mueller>: I'll keep the paddy wagon running just in case.
> I'll also
> leave cleaning her up to you - I presume you have the medical knowledge
> necessary to clean a few cuts, ja?"
MMK <Gryphon>: Right. Sponge bath.
> I nodded, his good humor making me grin.
TBS <Gryphon>: Boy, that laughter, it really *is* the best med--
ARL <Dr. Mueller>: Oh, just shut the hell up already.
> "Thanks, Doctor."
> He waved. "Don't mention it. It's all part of the service."
TBS <Misato>: Service, service!
> Snapping his bag shut, he turned to Sakura again. "Now you be good
> and follow my instructions, and you'll feel much better in the
> morning.
MMK <Mueller>: You'll be pining over these two in no time!
RACE: I hate you.
MMK: Look, the fic is just *giving* me these things.