Based on the comic The Watchmen. Keep in mind that the grammar is supposed to be crap. Comments and stuff welcome.
Gavok's Journal, Day 353, 8:30 pm:
The night was quiet. Jumped from rooftop to rooftop to see if my help was needed anywhere. At first, nothing. Was glad. Nothing to obstruct from my investigation. Famed FAQ writer Arlieth Tra... something-or-other was missing. No leads so far. Tried breaking Kevin Kanda's fingers, but the only information received was that I was going to hear from his lawyer. Hurm.
Then saw something, lying on the sidewalk down below. It was right under a suspiciously shattered window. The object raised my alarm.
"Man," I said. "That dog must've been sick."
But then I looked over about ten feet and saw something else. It was a green cap. Kind of looked like something Terry Bogard would wear in mirror-match. Got closer to investigate. Looking back, I probably should've used the stairs or the fire-escape rather than jumping off the roof and trying to run on the way down. Believe me, doesn't work.
Cap looked familiar. Did some checking and found that as I expected, it belonged to Racewing, or, as he's known in some circles: The Pervert. That broken window was part of his apartment. Poor guy. He's letting all the heat out.
Turns out The Pervert's been missing for days. Nobody knows what's happened to him. Wondered to myself whether or not his disappearance and Arlieth's disappearance were related. Nah. Arlieth has like twenty long distance/internet girlfriends. It was only a matter of time before one of the crazier ones tried kidnapping him.
Locating The Pervert was now my first priority. If I didn't save him, we may never finish UVR3. Took a second to gather my thoughts on who could do such a thing. Racewing's a good guy. For someone to kidnap him, they'd have to be sinister. Well, I knew just who to look for first.
Gavok's Journal, Day 353, 9:13 pm:
Figured if anyone would want The Pervert out of the picture it would be AoD and Tiffa. Stopped by their place to question them. They insisted they had nothing to do with it, and after Tiffa burrowed through my head with a chainsaw, I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean, good God. That hurt like Hell. Noticed that Falconer wasn't with them, which suggested that he was a suspect himself.
Also, for reasons can't fathom, AoD was nude the whole time. The two of them weren't doing anything that would warrant that. It was just nude. Thank God It's appearance is non-relective. Guess the clothes thing has to do with It's growing distance from It's own humanity. Wait, AoD never had any humanity to begin with. And why do I insist on calling him "It"? Like he's ever going to read this.
Didn't want to intrude on Falconer by myself. After getting a couple of my limbs removed by Tiffa, figured I'd need backup from now on. Needed the help of an old friend.
Gavok's Journal, Day 353, 10:05 pm:
Paid a visit to my old partner James Howard, The Multimediocre Knight Owl. Multimediocre Knight for short. MMK for shorter. Knight for short if you're talking out loud. He and I used to work together, back before the law against being a loon in public. Good team. But then, as always feared, he got soft.
Wait. Replace "soft" with "a Gamecube".
Figured he had to be involved with this somehow. Got idea that The Pervert's disappearance had to do with another bad fanfiction experiment. Knight Owl always involved somehow. Either he behind it all or he was target. Stick around long enough and I'd get answers.
He acted strange. Wouldn't look me in the eye. Seemed suspicious.
"That's because I don't want to crash my go-kart, slapass. Ha! Eat red shell, Waluigi!"
Damn. Talking out loud again. Hurm.
Couldn't get any information from him. Worst of all, he refused to help me question Falconer. Guess have to do it myself.
Reminded him to get his second controller fixed and was off.
Gavok's Journal, Day 353, 11:47 pm:
Tried blind-siding Falconer by jumping through the window. He chokeslammed me through a table. Hurm. Figured that wouldn't work.
"The hell are you doing here?! ...And why are you writing down what I'm saying?"
Thought fast and grabbed his finger. With a little effort, got him to let me go.
"Ow! You little weasel! You tore out my hangnail!"
Threatened to tear out the rest unless he gave information on The Pervert's disappearance. Didn't seem to know anything. He did promise to give me information if he found anything. In return I promised not to snitch on the fact that he rebroadcasted a San Francisco Zombies game without expressed written consent from Mutant League Football.
Zero for three tonight. Damn it. Figured I'd go sleep and figure this out tomorrow.
Gavok's Journal, Day 354, 2:02 pm:
Walked around without the hat today so I wouldn't be recognized. Spent the day holding my sign that says, "THE SELF-INSERTS ARE COMING!" It's a thankless job.
Paid a visit to Mark Poa. Guy runs a newspaper stand. Good man in small doses.
"Strange news day," he told me.
"Hurm?" I hurmed.
"You haven't heard? You know that inkblot guy, AoD? Turns out It's completely left this realm."
"Really? Why?"
"It was on some talkshow, where they ambushed It and--"
"You know," I reminded him, "we don't have to call him that. He can't hear us."
"Oh. Right. So AoD was ambushed on this show and found out that despite his effort, not one person who's come in contact with him has contracted cancer. He got all angry and stormed out of this dimension."
Huh. Racewing and Arlieth are missing and AoD was excommunicated. Wonder if there's a connection.
"Also, you know that Black Snotling?"
I nodded.
"He tried kidnapping Ripper Jak earlier today. R. Jak foiled him, but nobody's seen Snotling since."
Bingo. Finally had a lead. Scanned over the front of the newspaper. Looked back up and Poa was gone. Probably kidnapped.
Good thing. Didn't have money to pay for the paper.
Gavok's Journal, Day 354, 7:30 pm:
Got hot tip from Falconer. Went over to his place. Searched whole house, but couldn't find him. Found "GAVOK WAS HERE" carved into wall. Hurm. I was getting too close to the truth. Somebody was framing me for the kidnappings.
Heard a cop from outside. "Come out with your hands up!"
Wasn't looking good.
"If you don't come out here in thirty seconds, we're sending a team in!"
"Let them come," I said. But then I paused. I was alone and unarmed. Asked myself, "Am I really this stupid?"
Thought I heard the Jeopardy theme for a second. Interrupted by blinding light.
Outside window was Kim Kaphwan, only just his giant head and it was made of metal. I'm pretty sure it's not usually like that.
Rope came down for me.
"Climb up!" MMK said. Did so.
Police shot at us for a bit, but The Floating Kim Grin blinded them enough to let us get away. The face part of the aircraft darkened, allowing us to escape without being chased.
"Knight. Good to see you back in costume."
"What are you talking about? I'm always wearing this. I was wearing this last night. Remember?"
"Hurm."
Spent the next hour explaining everything. Looking back, probably should've told him verbally instead of playing charades. He read my journal to understand better. Read wrong passage and now knows about my fan letters to King Hippo. Pointed out pages with kidnapping information in an attempt to make him stop laughing.
"We should go question R. Jak," I said. "He's a target in all of this."
"What a coincidence," MMK told me. "I was just talking with Snotty earlier and he said that he was going to be working at R. Jak's place tonight."
Suddenly it all started to come together.
"Don't you realize what this means?!" I asked.
"That even though The Good, The Bad and The Ugly was made last, it still took place prior to A Fistful of Dollars and A Few Dollars More?"
"YES!"
Beat.
"And also, R. Jak is behind the kidnappings."
MMK nodded. "I knew that. Let's go."
When he said "Let's go" I thought he meant "Let's go get R. Jak." Turned out meant "Let's go get as far away from R. Jak as possible." Tried explaining to him that it was our duty to stop him. Mainly because if we didn't, then story just kinda sits there. He agreed and we flew to his hideout.
Gavok's Journal, Day 354, 9:30 pm:
We made it into R. Jak's hideout with little incident. No sign of guards or Snotling. Finally found R. Jak sitting in a chair in dining room. Knight Owl and I decided on a plan to sneak up on him and take him down. We nodded to each other and advanced.
R. Jak seemed to be paying attention to the soup he was eating. Mmm. Soup. Curious as to what kind it was, I reached over for his spoon. R. Jak, without looking back, grabbed me by the wrist, twisted it and then used the other hand to splash me in the face with the scolding hot soup. Good thing my writing accuracy was still in tact. He broke the empty bowl over MMK's head, grabbed our heads and bonked them together. Then he quietly walked away like nothing happened.
Soup tasted good, though.
Got back up. MMK too. Cautiously followed R. Jak into next room.
"So what are you up to?" MMK asked.
"Yeah. What kind of evil are you behind?" I wondered.
He smiled. "You're mistaken. I don't have any evil plans."
MMK and I looked to each other and raised our eyebrows.
R. Jak continued. "No. I'm merely saving the world. Do you realize the conflict tearing this world apart? Good vs. evil, Marvel vs. Capcom, Spy vs. Spy, Freddy vs. Jason, Aliens vs. Predator, I can go on and on. Soon all this conflict will end reality as we know it. It's only a matter of time before the nukes wipe us all out. That's where I come in. I figure that if I can link everyone together with tragedy, they will band together and put aside their petty and not-so-petty differences for a better tomorrow."
I stepped forward. "What are you talking about and what does it have to do with the people you kidnapped? And... why would you have yourself kidnapped?"
"These people I kidnapped are just test subjects. You two tried to use those silly fics for ratings purposes. You never realized how awesome their power truly is. As for Black Snotling's kidnapping attempt, I staged that to make myself seem less suspicious to you. I didn't want to ruin the surprise just yet."
Fic experiment. I was right.
"I figure I would experiment with some work by the Lemon Master. Cellmates, Chocobo Nights, you get the idea. Some nice, fun Final Fantasy 7 fiction. Something to make Arlieth's ears bleed. Something that would even make The Pervert quiver."
MMK was shocked. "You're a monster!"
I whispered into his ear.
"Oops. Sorry, it's the bad lighting. But you're still a bad, bad man!"
"And you're not going to get away with this!" I added.
R. Jak's laughter was unnerving.
"Do you really think I would tell you my master plan if you two had any sort of chance to prevent it? Please. I'm smarter than that."
"How so?" MMK asked.
"Ahem."
Looking to the right, we saw Black Snotling holding switch. Looking down, noticed we were on trap door.
MMK smiled. "Well, then. I guess I'll see you in Hell."
Snotling shrugged and pulled switch. "Guess so."
---
Now trapped down here. All six of us. Arlieth, Racewing, Mark Poa, Falconer, MMK and I. About to be shown a fate worse than death. If you find this journal, please help before it's too late. Fate of world depends on it.
Also, if you do come across this, disregard pages 95-115. So I like to write poetry about Boss Hog. Shut up.
Before I go, I'd like to make shout out to black dub and Demonicuss Krinn for pre-readin--
[---]
"Gavok! Shut the hell up!" Racewing yelled.
"Huh?" Gavok stopped scribbling for a moment.
"Nobody is going to find your journal. How are you going to send it out when you're stuck down here?"
"Hurm. Good point."
"Yeah," MMK said. "Didn't that Eminem song teach you anything?"
A siren went off.
"Guys," Mark Poa pointed to the entrance, "we got Fic Sign!"
Gavok scribbled more into the journal.
"Seriously, put that away!" Arlieth demanded.
Gavok walked towards the theater and shook his head. "No. Not even in the face of Lemon Master. Never compromise."
Falconer looked to Racewing and cracked his knuckles. "I'm going to kill him. You realize I'm going to kill him, right?"
Gavok
"Not guilty" I said
You got the wrong man
Nothing touched the trigger
But the Devil's right hand