It's all because of those spur-of-the-moment lesbians!
by G.H.
> "Sir! We need them in good condition for the boss."
GAVOK: Ah. So that's how Springsteen gets his groupees.
> The commander
> grumbled then said. "Your right again Private Robin."
> "What's your name you Shinra kid-fucker?"
RACE <Aeris>: Tifa! That's rude!
MMK <Tifa>: Well, what is his name?
FALC <Commander>: Commander Kidd Fukker.
RACE <Aeris>: But it's spelled differently!
> "The name of me, the man who has beaten you, is Commander Typhon,
> Commander Lynx Typhon. The man will bury you Miss Lockheart, and all
> your AVALANCHE friends. Why do you want my name?"
> "So I'll know who's grave to dance on when i flatten this place,
> once and for all!"
MARK: Yes, folks. Her breasts are just that big.
> "You should talk, by the time the boss is finished with you,
> there wouldn't be enough of you to fill a grave."
GAVOK: Ah. So she's like Steve Buscemi in a Cohen Brothers movie.
> The lift came to a halt, and the doors slid open.
> The girls were
> brought up several flights of stairs and through a beautiful office
> reception, to a huge office. The Shinra president was sitting at his
> desk.
> "Yes Commander Typhon, what is it." "Sir! I have captured these
> women who escaped from the prison level, since it is your birthday,
> we thought maybe you would like to 'have' them?"
ARL: You know, after telling him that they just came from prison, would the president even *want* them?
MMK <president>: Hell, no! I want my bitches fresh.
> "How very considerate, i accept."
> "Ok troops, and a one.. and a two..." All the troops sang.
GAVOK and MMK <soldiers, singing>: I GOT THE HEART OF A LION AND THE WINGS OF A BAT BECAUSE IT'S MIDNIGHT!
> "Happy Birthday to you!, Happy Birthday to you!, Happy Bir....."
> "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!, i hate that song! Now, leave me with the girls."
> "Sir, i must protest, i insist that i leave a few guards, those girls
> are dangerous, they've killed one of my privates already."
ALL <cringing>: Oooooooh!
> Tifa spoke up. "Sir, we're sorry about the guard,
> let us make it up to you.(Aeris)"
> "(what? oh yea) We're not really with AVALANCHE, they kidnapped us and
> use us as sex slaves. They bring us on missions, just to frighten us
> and make us horny."
MARK <president>: And I assume you have a bridge I could buy as well?
> "(good one Aeris) Please sir, untie us, and we'll show you how
> much we prefer Shinra to AVALANCHE."
ARL <Tifa, spreading arms>: We love you THIS much.
> "You heard them commander, untie
> them and leave." "But sir..." "Can't you smell that pussy cum,
> commander? It proves they're telling the truth about AVALANCHE.
MMK: Strange superstition, that.
> Besides, if something happens, my security drone will protect me."
> "(security drone?)"
> "(there's a robot attached to the wall, don't worry, they're fairly
> stupid, by the time it realises what's happening, we'll be long gone.)"
MARK <wall robot>: Hey, bite my shiny, metal ass!
> The commander unties the girls. "(i won't forget this Lockhart)"
> "(sure you won't, I'll be sure to write it on you face when
> i strangle you.)"
>
> The commander storms out of the office with his platoon.
> "Aeris take my hand."
MMK: o/~ Oh won't you come with me, and take my hand? Oh won't you come with me, and walk this land? Please take my hand o/~
The girls walked up to the desk and then stopped.
> "Ok girls, show me how much you love Shinra."
MMK, GAVOK <cheerleaders, jumping around>: Give me an 'S'! Give me an 'H'! Give me an "INRA"! What's that spell? SHINRA! Yay!
> "(Ok Aeris come close to me)" Tifa embraced Aeris tightly,
> squeezing their breasts together, encouraging her to hold her
> the same way. "(now, kiss me Aeris)" "(but i don't know...)"
MMK <president>: You smell that falling green slime? It's proof that they're telling the truth.
> "(just let your instincts guide you...)"
> They locked lips and were soon passonintly kissing each other.
> This excited the Shinra president.
> "Now that's how people should feel about Shinra, ooh yea!"
GAVOK <president, rapping>: Diggity damn, Cloud Strife you set it off!
MMK: Set it off!
GAVOK <president, rapping>: Used to be tough, Cloud, now you done gone soft! Showin' up in Kingdom Hearts, yeah I seen ya! And I hear you cross dress like a ballerina! I knew all along you had those tendencies, because you've been runnin' from Shinra like I got a disease!
> Tifa slides her hands down Aeris' back, and begins to groap her ass.
> "(Hey, what are you doing?)" "(I'm just making the act more convincing,
> besides, I'm imagining that I'm groaping Cloud's ass.)"
> "(are you saying that I've got a man's ass!!)"
ARL <Tifa>: No, I'm just saying Cloud has a woman's ass.
> "(think whatever you want.)" "(ok then)"
RACE <Aeris>: Hmm...
MMK <Lee Harvey Oswald>: Heh heh heh. Say goodbye, Mr. President.
RACE <Aeris>: You hit 'em high, I'll hit 'em low!
GAVOK <Abe Lincoln>: Got it!
[GAVOK and RACE mime beating on MMK.]
> Aeris reaches down Tifa's back and groaps her ass real hard.
> "OOOOWWWW! You bitch! That hurt!" "Serves you right for saying those
> things. I've had it up here with your domination, you raped me,
> ridiculed me, and embarrassed me beyond belief,
> and I'm going to make you pay! "
MMK: What's the going rate for that kind of service nowadays, anyway?
> The president was perplexed by this.
>
> The girls start a bitch fight, they lock hands, and try to pin each
> other to the ground. Since Aeris was the eldest, she used her extra
> weight to pin Tifa to the ground.
FALC: Um, I'm pretty sure Tifa has the extra weight here.
ARL: WAITWAITWAIT HOLD ON A DAMN MINUTE!
FALC: What?
ARL: It JUST SAID earlier that Tifa was the stronger of the two!
FALC: It did!
ARL: YES IT DID! Do we have a rewind or something?!
MARK: Arl, PLEASE don't give them any ideas -
BS: Actually, we DO have a rewind.
[LOONS all fall silent.]
BS: It looks like that button got buried underneath a dried Jolt-encrusted pile of papers with "All yaoi and no Roll makes Racey go crazy" written repeatedly on them.
[RACE shifts uncomfortably in seat as everybody turns to stare at him. {It's too easy, I swear. -G.H.}]
R.JAK: So anyway, let's see if we can find what Arl was talking about -
[Film stops and reverses quickly, shifting back to an earlier scene]
**> Tifa advances menacingly towards Aeris, while taking off her belt.
> "No Tifa! Keep away!" Tifa, who was much stronger than Aeris, grabbed
> her arms and held them behind her back.**
[ARL jumps up and starts screaming uncontrollably]
ARL: YES I knew it! This godforsaken fic can't even keep things CONSTANT! If TIFA is so much stronger than Aeris earlier then WHY THE HELL is Aeris overpowering her now!? Did Tifa suddenly lose about TWENTY POUNDS inbetween the beginning and now?!! Why is this author so incompetent that-that-that-th-th-th-th-
RACE: Oooooooohhhh shit. Everybody DUCK!
[The loons all dash away and duck under seats as ARL's head explodes in spectacular killographic imagery. Suddenly GAVOK pops out from underneath his seat.]
GAVOK: HA! I *knew* he wouldn't last long for this one. Pay up, Mark!
MARK: [creeping out from under the seat] Look, I TOLD you I wanted to change the bet.
GAVOK: Excuses, excuses! Time to cough up the bling bling!
MMK: Umm, guys...
MARK & GAVOK: What?
MMK: You're covered in cerebellum kibbles.
[MARK and GAVOK examine themselves to discover squishy brain pieces draped all over them.]
MMK: Now can SOMEBODY help us clean this up?
{Note: Feel free to add/edit as you all like - G.H.}
> "Now, you'll know what it was like
> for me, when you raped me."
> "Now, now girls, this isn't what i want to see,
FALC: <Pres> Where are the cute kittens?
> get back together, NOW"
> "Erm... Yes master!" The girls stood up and embraced each other again.
> "(Aeris, what was it like to be raped?)"
RACE: Basically, it was just surprise sex.
[RACE instinctively ducks beneath his seat]
MMK: Racey, do you realize Tiffa isn't here, right?
RACE: It's a force of habit.
"(it was scary, not knowing
> what was coming, and when you do see it coming, you can't do anything
> about it.)" "(I'm so sorry Aeris, i never realised.
RACE <Tifa>: ...what big eyes you have.
> i shouldn't of got
> you into this, i shouldn't have taken your virginity.
> Please forgive me.)" Tifa began to cry quietly. Aeris hugged her
> tighter and then kissed her with genuine feeling.