> "(i forgive you)" Aeris pushes Tifa gently away and walks seductively
> towards the desk. "I want to love Shinra for real. Come here.
MMK <Aeris>: And get down with your bad self.
> I want you." The president, excited by the prospect, gets up from his
> seat, and walks to Aeris.
RACE <President>: Screw you, pointy! I want the pathetic one!
> She wraps her arms around the man's
> overweight body and kisses him, trying not to vomit in the process.
MMK: But just think, Aeris - regurgitation might just be the hot new fucked-up fanfic fetish wave OF THE FUTURE!
> Tifa saw her opportunity.
RACE: She stole some pens and paperclips from his desk.
> She slipped behind the president and, while
> groaping his colossal ass, swipes a letter-opener from his desk.
FALC <Tifa>: I shall call it, "The Silver Sword!"
> "Aeris, MOVE!" Aeris, seeing what was happening jumps away from the
> president.
MARK <Tifa>: Aeris, cool it. It's a non-exploding letter-opener.
> As soon as she was clear, Tifa plunged the sharp
> letter-opener into the president's neck.
ARL: His colossal neck.
He twitched violently, as he
> began to die.
GAVOK <Strong Sad>: Every day you get stabbed in the neck, you die a little more.
> Aeris was overjoyed. "WE DID IT! Shinra is finished! WE WON! Wait till
> The guys hear about this!" A grim complexion enveloped Tifa's face.
> "The... guys... They'll... think your great, especially Cloud."
FALC: And soon they'll think you're swiss cheese.
> "You think?" Tifa pulls some optical cable from the desk's computer.
> While Aeris isn't looking, she grabs her arms and ties them behind her
> back with the cable. "TIFA! What are you doing!"
RACE <Aeris>: You see, I have this condition...
> "I can't let you have
> Cloud, he's the only reason i have to live. I don't want to kill you,
> I'm... I'm going to throw you down the waste chute,
> you'll be safe there."
GAVOK <Tifa>: Except for those whirling garbage disposal blades. Those are a bit tricky, so try HOLDING down LEFT as you fall... I read it in a Protip, so it's gotta work. [Shoves MMK <Aeris> down on the floor.] Or was it right?
MMK <Aeris>: YAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
GAVOK <Tifa>: Oops, it WAS left. My bad.
> Tifa spanks Aeris on the ass. "Get moving." "I thought you were my
> friend... i guess i was wrong... story of my life."
MMK <Aeris>: You see, it all started a little over 22 years ago, back at Icicle Lodge after a few drinks...
> "Well... well...
GAVOK: Joel Gertner?
> i... ohh... I can't do it! I've never had a girlfriend before,
> I'm glad your my first!" "Girlfriend?" "Uh huh.
RACE: You *GO*, girlfriend! Uh-HUH!
> And I'm sorry for
> saying you have a man's ass, you don't,
GAVOK <Tifa>: I meant Michael Mann's ass.
> you have a cute little
> tight ass, and it's so much softer than mine!"
> "Well... thanks, i suppose." "And your not a slut, I'm the slut, you
> should have Cloud instead of me."
ARL <Aeris>: But I get the DVD player.
> "Don't be so hard on yourself."
[RACE snickers.]
FALC: Now what are you thinking about?
RACE: Oh, nothing. Nothing.
> "Ohh, your so kind, that's what i love about you! Come here!"
ARL: These two swing between hating each other's guts and confessing their deep undying love in the course of a few paragraphs.
[LOONS all eye ARL uneasily]
ARL: I... really... hate you, fic.
> Tifa hugged the still bound Aeris and looked into her eyes. "Tifa?"
> "Yes Honeybuns?"
MMK: Now at a Panera near you!
>"(Honeybuns?) Erm... How about you untie me, and we
> get out of here." "I've got a better idea, why don't we have some fun?"
MARK <Tifa>: Tag!
GAVOK <Aeris>: No fair! You tied me up!
> "Haven't you forgotten something?" "What?"
> Just then a huge eight-legged robot (looks like a spider)
ARL: Because we might get think it looks like something ELSE with eight legs.
GAVOK: You know, crabs have eight legs...
[FALC elbows GAVOK forcefully]
FALC: For chrissakes, don't provoke him!
MMK: Octopusses too.
FALC: GAH!
GAVOK: No, those are tentacles.
FALC: SHUT UP!
MMK: Yes, but in the realm of animation, tentacles can double as arms and legs, much in the same way they can for a spider.
GAVOK: Point.
FALC: I'm going to hurt you both.
> emerges from
> The side of a wall, it just realised what had
> happened.
MMK <spider>: PORKCHOP SANDWICHES!
ARL: Took its sweet time! Must be a delayed reaction security device.
> "OH SHIT! I forgot about the drone. That's the last time i think with
> my pussy!"
MARK <Aeris>: Oh, is that what you usually use for your thought processes? Well, THIS could explain a lot.
RACE <Tifa>: My vagina has like a *gig* of RAM.
FALC: You stop talking now.
> The drone could see the now dead remains of it's master, and became
> enraged.
GAVOK <Iron Giant>: Ho...Hogarth...?
> It leaped off the wall and in-between the door and the girls.
> It looked at them with it's cold metal eyes, preparing to kill them.
> Tifa held onto Aeris tight. "I think this is it Aeris.
> I love you Honeybuns"
RACE: Don't you mean "I love YOUR Honeybuns?"
[FALC tries to smack RACE with a convenient two-by-four. RACE jumps out of his seat at the last moment.]
> "I probably won't get another chance so... i.. I also... i also lov..."
> Just then the droid collapsed.
ARL <Droid>: Argh! My insulin dependancy!
> They looked at it in disbelief.
RACE: We've had this thing for just over a year, it won't work now, and Sony's warranty already expired! What the hell?
> At least till they noticed the massive
> Sword impaled in it's back.
MARK: So massive, it needs its own capital letter!
>The girl's faces lit up as they
> screamed out.
FALC: They should really have that looked at.
>"CLOUD!" Cloud and the rest of AVALANCHE had found them.
GAVOK <Tifa>: I totally turned her lesbian.
MMK <Cloud>: Are you serious?
GAVOK <Tifa>: Totally. I won. Now fork up the five bucks!
MMK <Cloud>: Aw... Double or nothing on me and Vincent.
> "Tifa, Aeris, are you two O..... K......?" Cloud stopped when he
> noticed that the girls were naked, hugging each other, with Aeris tied
> up.
RACE: And now, Cloud's OTHER massive Sword comes into play, as -
[RACE leaps out from his seat in the nick of time as a blade comes piercing through the back.]
RACE: I'm getting so good at this.
>"What the... Tifa? What's..."
ARL <Cloud>: That thing between your legs? Where's your happy stick?
> "Oh it was awful Cloud!
GAVOK <Cloud>: Liar! I wasn't behind it!
> They stripped
> us naked and raped us!
ARL: You know, rape usually includes visible signs of trauma...
>(Aeris)" "(yea i know)
MMK <singing>: I know you want what's on my mind, I know you you like what's on my mind...
> Then they brought us here
> to the president.
RACE <Aeris>: He gave us the State of the Union address, ifyaknowwhatImean.
MMK <Cloud>: Not really, no.
MARK <Tifa>: Then he deployed his National Guard all night long!
MMK <Cloud>: I don't follow.
RACE <Aeris>: Uh... he totally approved our legislation!
MMK <Cloud>: That inhuman monster!
> While they gang raped Tifa, i was tied up and given
> to the president, luckily, Tifa fought them off and killed the
> president, the rest ran when the drone came."
GAVOK <Cloud>: Ew, robot sex?!
RACE: I hate you.
> "(you're too good at this Aeris) We're so glad your here!"
>
> Tifa ran over to Cloud and hugged him. He was sort of embarrassed and
> aroused to be hugged by a naked Tifa. Aeris however didn't bother,
> she was still tied up,
ARL: The only logic in this thing so far, and it's come from stating the blatantly obvious.
> and could see how the two matched each other.
> She just stood there with a sad face.
RACE <Aeris>: Hetero love makes me sad. *snif*
> "Cloud..." "Aeris... Listen,
> I'll untie you, and we can go home." "Together?" "Yea... Together."
> This made her happier.
RACE <Aeris>: But polygamy rules!
> She began to meekly walk over to Cloud, when...
>
> The room suddenly filled with thick fog,
RACE: What would happen if FF7 got an N64 port.
> and when it cleared, a young
> man and a mechanical panther were at the end of the office. "What the?
> Who are you?"
RACE: What's your name?
ALL: SUPER BROTHER!
> said Cloud threateningly. "...Tifa Lockheart, i must
> thank you for finishing off my father, now i am head of Shinra."
> "(he's the president's son) What do you want?" "My destiny"
MARK <Dr. Zaius>: Okay, you go straight that way, take a left at the third light and keep going until you reach a beach. You can't miss it.
> With that he used Materia magic to levitate Aeris and brings her over
> to him. "LET HER GO! NOW!" Aeris struggled to get free from her binds.
> "Pre-packaged and all, you shouldn't have AVALANCHE"
MARK <President's Son>: But next time, you may want to use FedEx. We send out so many packages, anyone who sends us stuff can get a discount rate. Very handy.
ARL <Cloud, bitter>: Thanks. I'll be sure to remember that next time you CAPTURE ONE OF US!
He sits Aeris on
> his robot panther. She was unable to move, partly because of the binds,
> partly because the cold metal back of the panther was touching off her
> pussy lips, arousing her.
FALC: The first one to make jokes about, quote, "metallic pussy" faces the stark fist of justice.
MMK: You said it, Pidge.
[FALCONER pauses, and punches Knight in the face]
MMK [rolling]: Ow. Worth it. Ow.
> "You will bring me unbelievable power!" said the new president.
>
> "Leave her alone! Take me instead!"
> "How very considerate Miss Lockheart"
> Said the new president as he gagged Aeris. "But only she has the power
> To control Mako energy." Cloud drew his sword from the droid.
> "GET READY TO DIE, SHINRA KID-FUCKER!"
GAVOK <Commander>: You leave me out of this!
> "I'm gonna shred this guy to
> pieces!" said Barrett as he attached a massive claw to his gun arm.
> They charged at him, but they were too late, the man and his panther
> had jumped over to the balcony to a waiting helicopter.
GAVOK <Cloud>: You could've just shot him with your arm gun, you fucking nimrod!
[Erm... Barret IS the one with the gun arm. -WF]
> "AERIS!" Tifa ran over to the balcony with the others.
ARL <Cloud>: You think maybe you could've untied her earlier?
MARK <Tifa>: ARGH! My optical cable!
> They arrived just in time to see the helicopter take off.
> "AERIS! NOOO!" They were gone. "Oh Fuck, we'll get you, you Bastard!
> COUNT ON IT!" Cloud puts his jacket over Tifa's naked body as she
> collapses to the ground in tears.
RACE: Ssh! Cloud! Ixnay on the lothes-cay!
> "Aeris no.... Aeris... (I love you)...."
RACE <Cloud>: Yeah, I love her too... say WHAT?
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Phew... that was a long one! Maybe you should have printed it.
MMK: Makes great toilet paper!
> Instead of reading off the screen!
ARL <Lemon Master>: Because it's on a computer! And unless you print it out, it'll only be available on the screen!
> Hope you liked it, as you might guess, there's more to the story,
> I'll finish the other episodes as soon as i can.
MARK: Nonono, that's FINE. Take your sweet time. PLEASE. Trust me, these things are better after they've simmered for a while. Like, after a few thousand years.
> This is my first lemon, and I'm thinking of writing a few other
> Different stories when I've finished this series.
GAVOK <Lemon Master>: Like a story about an amusement park on an island where cloned dinosaurs roam. I call it... The Boy and The Dinosaur.
> If you have any comments, questions or ideas, regarding this lemon,
> please email.
[ARL raises hand]
ARL: I have a question: How does a kind and loving diety allow such a travesty to happen?
VOICE <over intercom>: BECAUSE I HATE YOU.
[ALL jump.]
R.JAK <over intercom>: Hehe, gotta love that reverb button and the button that disguises your voice.
TBS <over intercom>: Um, they can still hear you.
R.JAK <over intercom>: They can? Dammit.