There's a Hulkamania prevention kit on the market. Will that help?
by O. Hakubi
> Tifa ran as fast as she could along the bay.
MARK: That's cheating! She's beating on the Power Pad with her hands!
> The feel of
> the ocean spray and wind, on her naked skin was like
> nothing she had ever felt. Her nipples were rock hard,
RACE: ...My god. This is a Chevy commercial.
MMK: "Like a rock.... oooooh, like a rock!"
> she
> could feel every bounce of her breasts, with incredible
> detail.
ARL: I suppose you're going to GIVE us every detail, huh story?
FALC: Every vertabrae cracking and snapping from the strain of said bouncing...
> Every stride she ran was bliss, from the feel of
> the soft sand on her feet, to the wind massaging her ass,
MMK: From the inside-out.
> to the flow of her hair. She never felt so relaxed, she was
> at one with nature.
GAVOK <Tifa>: These new Herbal Essences products really DO combine the best of natural goodness with inexplicable sexual stimulation!
RACE: Shut up, you.
> But this wasn't right, she wanted Aeris
> to enjoy this with her.
MARK: Assuming she doesn't mind that whole "cheating on her with another woman" thing.
RACE: You think Aeris is into 3-ways?
FALC: ...don't get any ideas.
> She stopped running and looked at the stars. "(I wish you
> were here with me Honeybuns, my little Aeris.)"
FALC: Nobody says a word about hermaphrodites. GOT IT?
[ALL stare at FALC.]
MMK: Why would you think we were... EWW! SICKO!
[FALC prepares to club MMK, but stops.]
FALC: ...no, you're right.
[FALC digs out some brass knuckles and punches himself in the face, wobbling in his seat.]
> She started to walk on slowly, trying to gather her
> thoughts. Just then, she could hear galloping. She looked
> behind her. Two Chocobos were charging up the beach,
> Chicabo on one of them. "YEEE HA! I'm coming to get you
> Honey!"
MARK <singing>: And it's just like honey, When your love comes over me, Oh baby I've got a dependency, Always strung out for...
FALC: Do not finish that if you know what's good for you. [rubs his face.] Goddamn, did that hurt.
> "Shit i forgot!"
GAVOK <Tifa>: Klaatu verata... necktie?
> Tifa runs as fast as she can, but it was
> no use, Chicabo quickly caught up. "WOOOO HOOO! Look at
> her pump those buns!"
RACE: Oh god no, please don't tell me we're getting into yaoi territory with this now...
[LOONS squirm in their seats visibly]
> Chicabo begins to swing a lasso she
> made from the rope. "Your not getting away Tifa!"
RACE <Dr. Robotnik>: She's not going to get away with this!
> Chicabo throws the lasso and manages to catch Tifa,
> binding her hands to her waist. Tifa falls to the ground
> in a sandy puff of dust.
RACE: PUFF, BIATCH!
> Chicabo leaps off her Chocobo and grabs Tifa. "Now Honey,
> I've GOT YOU!"
GAVOK <Chicabo>: GET OVER HERE!
MMK <Alex>: YOU CAN'T ESCAPE!
> She pulls Tifa up using the lasso.
RACE <Chicabo>: Oooh, got me a big 'un! Look at the rack on this buck!
[RACE dodges a thrown lance from FALC.]
> "Now i get to do whatever i want with you! Now.. what can
> i do?"
GAVOK <Manray>: World domination!
MMK <Dirty Bubble>: Ooo! Make her eat dirt!
GAVOK <Manray>: .....
MMK <Dirty Bubble>: In addition to the world domination.
> "How about untie me?" "Do you want a spanking? Cos
> that's what you get if you don't stay quiet and behave!"
ARL: PLEASE tell me this isn't going where I think this is.
MMK: It is.
ARL: You're not helping.
> Chicabo looks down the beach. "Hey! I've an idea!"
> She pulls Tifa along until they reach a large wooden,
> depth measuring pole.
ARL: Oh no. Nonononononono...
FALC: She's not gonna...
MARK: I'm not seeing this...
> She undoes the lasso, places Tifa's
> back against the pole and ties her hands behind the pole.
[ARL, MARK, and FALC relax.]
MARK: Phew. Just bondage. [pause] I feel so dirty saying that. Falc, if you would?
FALC: Sure thing. [FALC grabs MARK and gives him a Death Valley Driver, then puts him back in his seat.]
MARK: Thank you.
> She then gets another rope and ties her legs tightly to
> the pole as well.
GAVOK <Chicabo>: All we need is the firewood, and the human sacrifice ritual to the Great Chocobo God is all ready to go!
> "Ok, you tied me up, i give up, lets do something else."
> "The game ain't over yet Honey!"
MARK: You need to run throught it again with the bracelet this time!
> She removes a shaver,
> and shaving foam from her Chocobo's bag.
FALC: Because you'll never know when you might get lost in the wood with no food, no water, and ugly armpit stubble.
> "No.. Wait! Don't!" "Hee hee hee!" She sprays the foam
> all over Tifa's crotch. "OOOHHH It's COLD!" "It's time
> to start!" Chicabo gets her razor and starts to work on
> Tifa's pubic hair. "Mercy! You do let this thing grow
> WILD!"
MMK <Chicabo>: ...Why is there a little tattoo of a guy with a lawnmover here?
GAVOK <Tifa>: Well, uh, me and my friends were all pretty hammered that night. and...
> "Please don't!" Said Tifa desperately, as she
> struggled in vain to free herself. "Don't worry, it'll
> look cute!"
MMK <Chicabo>: Awww, idn't it pwecious?
> Chicabo made her finishing touches, then washed off the
> foam with sea water. She got a mirror, so Tifa could
> see. Her pubic hair was in the shape of a Chocobo's
> head, just like Chicabo's "Heh heh heh, we look the
> same now!" Tifa didn't know what to think.
ARL: Why start now?
RACE: How about, "How the FUCK did she just do that?"
FALC: Very carefully.
RACE: That's not very helpful.
> "We can be Chocobo Sisters!
MARK <Tifa>: Like the Mario Bros.?
MMK <Chicabo>: Sure. But you have to be Luigi.
MARK <Tifa>: Awwwwww, no fair.
> Hmmmm. I know. If you
> promise to follow one last command, I'll untie you
> and finish the game!" "Ok then.."
>
> Chicabo unties Tifa from the pole. "Ok.. Now...
> Go over there, and get on all fours!"
GAVOK: For Tifa, wouldn't it be all sixes?
> "Well....
> Ok then" Tifa gets on all fours. Chicabo takes
> some Greens from her bag, and shoves them up Tifa's
> cunt.
MMK <George Newman>: Sex with vegetables, what do you think? [holds a microphone in front of ARL, who does not respond]
> "Ohhhhhhh! Hey, why'd you do that?"
> "Remember that other benefit of Greens i was talking
> about? Well here it comes now."
ARL: ...why do I now feel that a huge empty void is preparing to swallow my soul?
RACE: You... you're not alone.
> Suddenly a huge furry
> dick rams up Tifa's cunt, it was a Chocobo.
[ALL stare blankly at screen with a wide-eyed expression.]
RACE: ...I have lost my will to live.
[FALC continues staring for a while, then starts clenching and unclenching his fists.]
> "AAAAHHHHHHH! OHHHHH! IT'S SO FURRY!
MMK: YAY FU- oh, wait.
GAVOK <Sammy Sosa>: EEET'S SO REEEEAL!
ARL: Tifa... just got rammed by a chocobo... and the only thing she can think to say is "IT'S SO FURRY?"
MARK: ...Wow, Arl, you're not even steaming over this now. I'd think you'd have spontaneously combusted at all of this.
ARL: No. It's hard to get explosively angry when all the joy of life has been sucked from your soul in one sentence.
[FALC grits his teeth, continuing his slow burn.]
> OH OH OH OH!"
MARK <singing>: Staying alive! Staying alive!
> Chicabo encourages the Chocobo to start pumping.
> "OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH AH AH AH AH MMMMMMMMM
> mmmmm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm m!"
> Suddenly the Chocobo cums, shooting Tifa 3 feet away.
RACE: It's times like this when you realize that in the great scheme of things, dolphinsex.org isn't that bad.
GAVOK: I could have lived very, very peacefully for the rest of my life without knowing the intense centrifugal force of chocobo jizz.
[FALC breaks the armrests off of his seat, visibly pissed.]
MMK: Hey Arl! I think he's gonna pull a you!
ARL: Shut up.
> "What'd you think of that?"
ALL: .................
> "Ohhhhhhhhhh! Wait! Oh NO!
> He came inside me!"
ARL: She only worries about this NOW.
> "Don't worry Honey, you'll be ok!
> I should know, I've been humped by them, for years!"
FALC: I DID NOT JUST HEAR THAT.
RACE: [attempting to slit wrists with a spatula] Yes, you did.
[FALC's skin starts to turn a healthy pink color. The metal remnants of the armrest are crushed into lumpy masses.]
GAVOK: Any second now...
ARL: Shut *up*.
> "I'm safe then?"
GAVOK <customer>: Yeah... it's safe. Very safe.
MMK <Randal>: Is it safe?
GAVOK <customer>: What's going on in here?!
RACE <Dante>: It puts the lotion on it's skin and puts it in the basket!
MMK <Randal>: Shut up, man. Is it safe?
GAVOK <customer>: AAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!!
> "Sure, now Honey, you are now my
> Chocobo Sister for sure! You made love to a Chocobo
> and got the mark shaved into you!"
MARK: We have now witnessed the horrors of hazing firsthand.
> "My hair?" "Yep!
> Now! Time to celebrate!" Chicabo jumps on Tifa's back,
> and starts spanking her. "Ride 'em Chocobo Sister!
> Move!" "Alright then! But when it's my turn to ride
> you, I'll spank the ass off you!"
ARL <Tifa>: And I'll get rid of that damn donkey!
> "Hee hee hee! I
> look forward to it!"
FACE: We wait with bated breath. No. Really. I mean that.
[FALC just sits there, seething.]
MMK: C'mon, just get it over with.
[FALC gets up and slowly walks over to the nearest wall. He proceeds to punch several holes into it, uttering profane words and phrases with every punch. After a minute or so, he walks back to his seat, sporting bruised knuckles.]
MMK: Don't you feel better now?
[FALC eyes MMK, still somewhat irate.]
FALC: She FUCKED a CHOCOBO.
MMK: Close enough.