>Campbell : It's been a long time Snake.
>Snake : I should've known you were behind this, Colonel.
MMK <Campbell>: And you fell for it! Hook! Line! and Sinker!
GAVOK: I actually thought Jean Loring was behind this, but what do I know?
>Campbell : That's no way to greet an old war buddy Snake.
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: Then again, I *have* seen you melt G.I. Joes for fun before, so I guess I should expected this.
>Snake : What do you want from me?
>Campbell : I just invited you here so we could have a talk.
TBS <Campbell>: Snake, cigarettes are ruining your life. We're your friends, okay?
VIPER <Snake>: The great piece of advice you gave me is the past was "Crawl through the gap in the fence," and some crazy crap about Zanzibar hamsters. Great friends you are.
MMK: Hey, don't dis the hamsters. They can skeletonize a cow in under a minute.
>Snake : Invited!? That's what you call sending armed soldiers after me?
ZEMYLA: Actually, that's what we call "Pac-Man".
GAVOK: The Infinite-Ammo Bandana: A Modern Day Power Pellet? The lecture and discussion will be followed by a catered reception.
>Campbell : Sorry if they were a little rough with you.
TBS <Snake>: There was no call for the ponyhorse!
>But we've got a serious situation
>here.
WAND <Campbell>: I lost the top of my yogurt and I'm no longer hungry.
>Only you can get us out of it.
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: Only *you* can save Aerosmith!
> Snake : I'm retired from FOX-HOUND.
GAVOK <Snake>: Furthermore, I hate Aerosmith.
>You're not my commander anymore, and I don't have to take orders from you
>or anyone else.
>Campbell : You will take these orders. I know it.
MMK: He has a Klondike Bar to offer him. I just know it.
GAVOK: Damn good incentive.
>Naomi : Excuse me.
>Snake : Who's this?
VIPER <Campbell>: Your hot battle poontang that'll die horribly in the middle of the film a la Rambo: First Blood, Part Two.
MMK: In fairness, I'd say that's actually better than the Klondike Bar.
>Campbell : Dr. Naomi Hunter. She's chief of FOX-HOUND's medical staff and an
>expert in gene therapy.
GAVOK <Gene Snitsky>: It wasn't my fault!
ZEMYLA <Naomi>: It's okay. Let your feelings out.
GAVOK <Gene Snitsky>: It wasn't my fault!
>Snake : Are you military?
VIPER: No, she's Naom-- oh, wait.
>Naomi : No, civilian. I've been sent here from ATGC. Pleasure to meet you
>Naomi : Don't worry this injection won't hurt a bit.
VIPER <Snake>: Ahh, God! Get that out of my arm!
WAND <Naomi>: Oh, I forgot! You have a low pain tolerance!
>Snake : What's the shot for?
MMK: The heavyweight title. Duh.
>Naomi : What's wrong? You don't like shots?
TBS <Snake>: I don't do shots or any invasive maneuvers on the first date.
>Campbell : Snake listen up. It all went down five hours ago.
GAVOK <Campbell>: It's like three AM and I'm on the corner wearing my leather, this dude comes up and he's like "Hey punk--", I'm like "yeah, *whatever*!"
>Heavily armed soliders occupied Shadow Moses Island, a remote island off the coast of Alaska.
WAND <Campbell>: Named, of course, after the Moses cybernetically enhanced by Shadowlaw and only selectable as a secret character in Marvel vs. Capcom.
>Snake : What soldiers?
>Campbell : Next-Generation Special Forces
VIPER: --which would be a totally badass name for a metal band.
>led by members of unit FOX-HOUND.
VIPER: --which would be a totally badass name for a Disney movie.
WAND: Yes, but which one of them is the Klingon and which one is the Android?
>They've presented Washington with a single demand,
TBS <Washington>: . . . "tone down Marth"?
>and they say that if it isn't met, they'll launch a nuclear weapon.
>Snake : A nuclear weapon?
WAND <Campbell>: Snake, stop listening to your walkman during briefing!
>Campbell : I'm afraid so. You see, the island is the site of a secret nuclear
>weapons disposal facility.
>Snake : FOX-HOUND hijacking a nuclear weapon?
ZEMYLA: This isn't dictation, Snake. Stop it.
TBS: I didn't know dogs could pick locks.
MMK: Maybe it was Fury working for the forces of evil.
MMK, GAVOK, TBS: YAY EVIL FURY!
>Campbell : Now you understand
GAVOK <Benimaru>: DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
>how serious the situation is. You'll have two mission objectives.
>First, you're to rescue the DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency)
TBS <Snake>: Bitchin' handbags! Yeah!
WAND <Campbell>: DARPA, Snake. Not Prada.
TBS <Snake>: Oh.
(A pause.)
TBS <Snake>: So... no handbags?
WAND <Campbell>: *No*, no handbags!
>Chief, Donald Anderson, and the president of ArmsTech, Kenneth Baker.
VIPER <Campbell>: The latter will be disguised as a white and blue trash can with legs and will try to respond to you in clicks and whistles.
> They're both being held as hostages.
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: Them and Aerosmith, of course. Don't forget Aerosmith.
GAVOK <Snake>: Dude, fuck Aerosmith. Seriously. We just went over this.
>Snake : Those are some heavy duty hostages.
TBS <Campbell>: Yes, but not as heavy as the Three Tenors, who you will be rescuing tomorrow.
>Campbell : Secondly, you're to investigate whether or not the terrorists have
>the ability to launch a nuclear strike, and stop them if they do. Any questions, Snake?
>Snake : Questions? I haven't even said whether I'd accept this mission.
GAVOK: Oh, you sneaky... uh, snake.
>Campbell : Well you can make up your mind after you hear more about the
>situation.
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: Have you ever heard of a timeshare, Snake? It's a heck of a thing...
>Snake : Tell me about the nuclear weapons disposal facility.
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: Does that mean a yes?
MMK <Snake>: No, I didn't--
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: 'Cause if you didn't, I can explain to you the timeshares we have to offer you--
MMK <Snake>: That's it! I'm retiring again!
>Campbell : The disposal facility includes a hardened underground base.
VIPER <Campbell>: Protecting the creamy center, of course. Mmm. *God* yes.
>Even with our most advanced intelligence gathering equipment, we can't tell
>what's happening inside.
WAND: Hideo Kojima uses the artistic medium of video games to make subtle allusions regarding the practice of exit-polling.
>Snake : So someone needs to penetrate, gather intelligence, and report
>back... Sounds like a spy movie.
MMK <Campbell>: It'll sound even *more* like a spy movie when we do it a second time on the GameCube!
TBS <Snake>: If it means half you people drop your ridiculous accents, I'm all for it.
> What's the insertion method?
GAVOK: "Penetrate"? "Insertion"? Sounds like a porn movie.
TBS: See, I wasn't gonna *say* it first, but... yeah.
WAND: *Thrill* as we skim along the Lowest Common Denominator like flat stones across a pond!
>Campbell : Well an air insertion is impossible.
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: No matter how well I aim the cannon.
>Snake : Not with this storm going on.
>Campbell : We'll approach the disposal facility by sub.
>Snake : Approach?
VIPER <Campbell>: Don't mind if I do!
>Campbell : Yes, within a few miles of it. The facility is equipped with sonar
>detection capability. They'd be able to hear our engine or
>propeller noise.
ZEMYLA: And, of course, these people have never heard of "gliders".
>Snake : And then?
TBS: NO "AND THEN!"
MMK: They strap him to a torpedo and have Snake wave a cowboy hat and scream "Yahooooo!"
WAND: Stop mixing genres on us, will you?
>Campbell : We'll launch a one-man SDV
GAVOK <Snake>: Like those repair vehicles in Starcraft?
MMK <Campbell>: No, that's an SCV.
GAVOK <Snake>: Then you're delivering me in the spaceship from Robotech?
MMK <Campbell>: No, that's the SDF.
GAVOK <Snake>: Then you're dropping me off in a large pickup-truck-like vehicle?
MMK <Campbell>: No, that's an SUV.
GAVOK <Snake>: I don't suppose it's that comic book series that was written by Warren Ellis?
MMK <Campbell>: That's DV8.
GAVOK <Snake>: So, what's an SDV then?
MMK <Campbell>: It's a... [Mimes continuing to speak]
>(swimmer delivery vehicle).
GAVOK <Snake>: Oh.
[Can someone finish this? - Zem]
>Snake : Launch?
GAVOK: No thanks. Watching my weight.
>Campbell : Same as a torpedo. Only this has no propulsion device of its own.
>After the SDV gets as close as it can, dispose of it. From there
>on you'll have to swim.
>Snake : You want me to swim in sub-zero Alaskan water?
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: Yeah, 'cause I'd be lying if I said I liked you.
VIPER <Snake>: I show concern because no ocean can stand a snake *this* hot.
[VIPER licks his finger, then touches his arm and hisses.]
>Campbell : Don't worry. That suit represents the latest advances in poly-
>thermal technology.
TBS <Campbell>: It's ribbed -- for *her* pleasure!
>The nuclear weapons disposal facility covers
>the whole island. I'll contact you by Codec after you reach your
>target.
GAVOK <Campbell>: Until such time as I've contacted you, you'll be unable to play movie files properly.
>Snake : Anyone going with me?
>Campbell : As usual, this is a one-man inflitration mission.
MMK: Tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. Tax dollars at work.
WAND: Whatever isn't nailed down, pretty much.
VIPER: They're going to be so embarassed when they find out that the terrorists took over everything with their bare hands.
>This a top-secret black op. Don't expect any official support.
MMK: Snake was crushed as he was really looking forward to the ticker-tape parade.
>Snake : The Chief of DARPA and the president of an arms manufacturing
>company... what business did they have at a nuclear weapons disposal facility?
GAVOK <Snake>: ...I can't believe I just said something that stupid.
WAND: I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that there was one bitching clambake over there.
>Campbell : The truth is that secret exercises were being conducted at the time
>the terrorist group attacked.
>Snake : Must be extremely important exercises if those two were directly
>involved.
ZEMYLA: No, they were both just *really* out of shape.
>Were they testing some kind of new advanced weapon?
>Campbell : I'm not privy to that information.
TBS: Hee hee. He said privy.
GAVOK: Sounds like horses.
>Snake : Do we know exactly where they're being held?
>Naomi : The DARPA chief has also been injected with a mini-transmitter.
WAND <Naomi>: We figured, what the hell. It would be funny.
>As you get closer you should be able to pick up his location on your radar.
>Snake : Do they really have the ability to launch a nuclear missile?
>Campbell : They say they do. They even gave us the serial number of the
>warhead they plan to use.
ZEMYLA: Because you never know whether your bomb is authentic.
WAND: I bet there were a few counterfeiting issues.
>Snake : Was the number confirmed?
>Campbell : I'm afraid so. At the very least, they've got their hands on a real nuclear
>warhead.
>Snake : Isn't there some kind of safety device to prevent this kind of terrorism?
MMK <Campbell>: Don't look at *me*! No one was dumb enough to *try* it before.
>Campbell : Yes. Every missile and warhead in our arsenal is equipped with a
>PAL, which uses a discreet detonation code.
>Snake : PAL?
WAND <Campbell>: Yes. It prevents American PS2 games from working on European
consoles.
TBS <Snake>: The world truly is a better place, then.
WAND <Campbell>: And if someone tries, the nuclear bomb blows up in their house.
TBS <Snake>: Truly...better...what?
WAND <Campbell>: Oh, like it wouldn't have just broken anyway. It's a *PS2*.
>Campbell : Permissive Action Link. A safety control system built into all
>nuclear weapons systems. But even so, we can't rest easy.
>Snake : Why not?
>Campbell : Because the DARPA Chief knows the detonation code.
ALL: D'oh!
>Snake : But even if they have a nuclear warhead, it must've been removed
>from its missile. All the missiles on these disposal sites are
>supposed to be dismantled.
GAVOK <Campbell>: Yes, but then they had just put them back together again. Clever bastards we're dealing with.
>It's not that easy to get your hands on an ICBM (intercontinental ballistic missle).
WAND: On the other hand, it's not very *hard*, either.
TBS: Fun with semantics!
WAND: No, I take them seriously.
TBS: Uh... er. Hmm.
>Campbell : That used to be true, but since the end of the Cold War you can get
>anything if you have enough money and the right connections.
ZEMLYA: And a gun.
VIPER: Guns usually help.
>Snake : So what exactly are they demanding?
VIPER <Campbell>: A coherant ending to the first sequel.
>Campbell : A person's remains.
>Snake : Remains?
MMK <Campbell>: Of the day. You know... the one with Anthony Hopkins and
Christopher Reeve.
>Campbell : That's right. To be more accurate, cell specimens which contain the
>individual's genomic information.
>Snake : Cell specimens? Why would they want that?
TBS <Campbell>: Marilyn Monroe sex slaves.
GAVOK <Snake>: Makes sense to me!
>Campbell : The terrorists need them. You see these Next-Generation Special
>Forces have been strengthened through gene therapy.
>Snake : Strengthened?
>Campbell : You've heard of the Human Genome Project.
VIPER <Campbell>: But I'm going to pretend you haven't, because I enjoy the sound of my own voice.
>They've been mapping the human genome, and they're nearly finished.
GAVOK: Then they threw away the map.
TBS: Things got hairy when they threw away the map.
> Following up on this research, the military has been working towards
> identifiying those genes which are responsible for making effective soldiers.
WAND <Campbell>: But that was actually pretty expensive, so we said fuck it. Then we just made everybody play Grand Theft Auto and recruited whoever turned violent.
>Snake : There are genes that do that?
MMK: Yeah, seriously, all my genes do is fit tightly about my buttocks and get me fly honeys. I feel ripped off.
>Campbell : Yes, and using gene therapy they're able to transplant those genes
>into regular soldiers.
>Snake : Gene therapy?
VIPER: What, is this guy writing this down?
>Naomi : I'll explain this part.
GAVOK <Naomi>: Now *Naomi* is the popular one! Everyone pay attention to me!
>With gene therapy, we can remove those genes which we know may lead to
MMK <Naomi>: --stiff and uncomfortable denim trousers.
> sickness or disease, and that the same time, splice in genes with beneficial effects
> such as resistance to cancer for example.
WAND: So they can't kill them with cigarettes and fatty foods. Smart bastards.
ZEMYLA: They just didn't want to spend the five character points for "Disease Resistance." Cheap bastards.
>Campbell : In other words, we can overcome all sorts of genetic diseases and
>at the same time add genetic characteristics as desired.
VIPER <Naomi>: As a scientist and as a doctor, I dream eagerly of the day when my research can finally give each and every person on Earth a hilarious gigantic butt-chin.
>Snake : Okay, and so if you knew what genes were responsible for making
>the perfect soldier, you could implant them in the same way, right?
>Naomi : Yes we could.
>Campbell : But it all depends on being able to isolate and identify those
>"soldier genes".
ZEMYLA: Does that mean they all have blue eyes and big swords?
TBS: Wrong soldiers, bud.
>Naomi : And in order to do that, it's helpful to study the genomic
>information of one of the greatest soldiers ever.
GAVOK: Well. Can't wait to see Snake get hit with the Final Justice.
>Snake : One of the greatest soldiers ever?
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: Is there an echo in here?
MMK <Snake>: Is there an--er, sorry.
>Naomi : The man they call the greatest warrior of the twentieth century.
MMK: James Hellwig?
GAVOK: So is this how they made Renegade?
>Snake : You don't mean Big Boss?!
>Naomi : That's right. We've been working feverishly to identify the genes
>responsible for his incredible combat skill. So far we've
>discovered about sixty of the so-called "soldier genes."
>Snake : So his body was recovered after all.
VIPER <Snake>: Told you we should have eaten him.
>Campbell : Yes, and his cells have remained frozen in cryo-chamber.
TBS <Campbell>: Right next to Walt Disney.
ZEMYLA <Naomi>: Animator genes!
WAND <Snake>: Oh, *come on*.
>His genomic information is a priceless treasure to mankind.
>Snake : Priceless to the military perhaps.
>Naomi : His body was burned severely, but it was possible to restore his
>DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) profile from just a single strand of his hair.
VIPER <Naomi>: Please don't ask where the hair came from.
GAVOK <Snake>: Please don't mention the question to me ever again.
VIPER <Naomi>: Deal.
>Snake : You people are amazing. And then you're going to transplant those
>genes into soldiers?
>Naomi : Yes. We'll use a process that I discovered called gene targeting.
>The strongest soldiers don't become what they are by acquiring
>their skills through training or experience, we now know that
>hereditary factors are far more crucial for creating superior soldiers.
WAND <Snake>: Question. Why are you telling me all this?
ZEMLYA <Naomi>: Well, we'd be lying if we said we liked you.
>Campbell : Snake, we can't give them his body. It's potentially more dangerous
>than all the warheads on that island put together.
MMK: Hell, just give them the genetic samples of Dom Deluise and tell them it's Big Boss.
GAVOK: Yeah, but when they discover their soldiers suffering hair loss and obesity, BOOM! Bye bye New York.
>Naomi : I hear the terrorists are calling themselves the "Sons of Big
>Boss."
WAND: Big Boss made Wilt Chamberlain look like Isaac Newton.
>Snake : The Sons of Big Boss.
[TBS mimes feverish writing.]
>Snake : What's the time limit?
>Campbell : 24 hours. They say they'll launch after 24 hours.
>Snake : Did they say what the target will be?
>Campbell : So far they haven't mentioned a target.
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: Nor a Wal-Mart.
>Snake : When did the countdown start?
>Campbell : 5 hours ago.
WAND <Snake>: How long have you been briefing me?
TBS <Campbell>: Three hours.
ZEMYLA <Naomi>: Exposition genes!
WAND <Snake>: I hate you guys.
>Snake : Colonel, who are you speaking for?
>Campbell : Naturally, I'm representing the US government.
>Snake : So who's in supervisory control of this operation?
>Campbell : The President of the United States.
GAVOK <Campbell>: I am, in fact, a bad enough dude to represent the President.
>Snake : Which means that the President must be meeting with his top aides
>in the map room about now, huh?
VIPER <Campbell, German accent>: No, at dis point, they are still trying to get zee medallion from Jones.
>Campbell : No at this point they're still video conferencing with each other.
VIPER: Damn.
WAND: At least they've gotten past Instant Messaging.