> Snake: Colonel, you're retired. Why are you involved in this?
TBS <Campbell>: I got nowhere else to go.
> Campbell: Becaue there aren't many people who know FOX-HOUND as well as I do.
WAND <Campbell>: For instance, Ken from Jeopardy.
> Snake: Is that really the only reason?
> Campbell: I've been soldiering for a long time, I don't know anything else. I
> guess even though I'm getting a little old, I still love to be in
> the field.
> Snake: Colonel, you're a lousy liar. Tell me the real reason.
GAVOK <Campbell>: I love the cafeteria food here, okay?!
> Campbell: Okay Snake. Sorry. I'll be frank. A person very dear to me is being
> held hostage.
> Snake: Who is it?
MMK: They're not saying anything! So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
> Campbell: My neice. Meryl.
> Snake: What was your niece doing here?
VIPER <Campbell>: The Macarena.
> Campbell: Several soldiers were reported missing the day of the revolt. And
> my niece was one of those called in as an emergency replacement.
WAND <Campbell>: I got suspicious, considering she is five.
> Snake: She looks like you.
> Campbell: She's my little brother's girl. He died in the Gulf War. Since then
> I've been watching after her.
> Snake: A personal motive, Colonel. That's not very soldierly.
> Campbell: I'm retired. I'm just an old man now. And I'm your friend.
> Snake: Since when are we friends?
TBS <Campbell>: Since I got two tickets to the Lakers game!
> Campbell: I've thought of us as friends since the fall of Zanzibar.
> Snake: With my personality I don't have too many friends.
WAND: Dude, it's the mullet.
> Campbell: That's what I trust about you. It's what makes you human. Please
> Snake. Save my niece Meryl.
> Snake: All right, but I have two conditions.
> Campbell: Name them.
GAVOK <Snake>: Condition 1 and Condition 2.
WAND: You son of a bitch...
VIPER <Snake>: Alive and dead.
WAND: *You* son of a bitch...
> Snake: One, no more secrets between us. I want complete disclosure at all
> times and two, I'll only accept orders from you, Colonel. No cutoffs
> involved okay?
ZEM <Snake>: It's cold and I need full pantlegs.
> Campbell: Agreed. That's why I was called. But one thing.
> Snake: What?
> Campbell: I'm not a colonel anymore. Just a retired old warhorse.
> Snake: I understand, Colonel.
> Snake: That doctor. Is she part of this operation too?
TBS <Campbell>: No, she just lives here.
> Campbell: She was in charge of FOX-HOUND's gene therapy. She knows more about
> those men than anyone else.
> Snake: You mean you've seen them naked?
> Naomi: Make no mistake. I'm not a nurse. I'm a scientist.
WAND <Naomi>: Damn it, Jim!
> Snake: By the way, what was that injection for?
> Naomi: It's a combination of and nanomachines and an anti-freezing peptide
> so that your blood and other bodily fluids don't freeze, even at
> sub-arctic temperatures.
> Snake: Nanomachines?
ZEMYLA <Naomi>: They're like cars, but extremely tiny!
> Naomi: Not just one kind either. There are different types which will
> replenish the supply of adrenaline, nutrition and sugar in your
> bloodstream.
> Snake: Now I don't have to worry about food.
MMK: Where's the fun if you can't replenish your energy by busting up an oil drum
and eating a fully cooked turkey?
ZEMYLA: I see they've finally cracked that "conservation of energy" bullshit.
> Naomi: I also put some nootropics in there.
> Snake: Say what?
> Naomi: Nootropics. It's a class of drugs which wil help improve your
> mental functioning.
GAVOK: Yeah, worked gangbusters on Charlie and Algernon.
> Snake: It'll make smarter huh? Anything else?
> Naomi: Benzedrine. It's a type of stimulant. It'll keep you alert and
> responsive for twelve straight hours.
VIPER: But afterwards, you'll right asleep, no matter what you're doing!
> Snake: That was quite a cocktail. Anything else in there?
> Naomi: Those nanomachines will also keep your Codec's batteries charged up.
> Snake: I guess I can call you when I'm ready to go on a diet.
TBS: -or star in Nanobreaker.
> Naomi: You're welcome.
> Snake: I need to borrow your scissors.
> Naomi: What are you going to do?
ZEMYLA <Snake>: Run around for a bit.
> Snake: Don't worry. Just going to clean myself up a little.
> Naomi: Huh?
VIPER <Snake>: Oh, they didn't tell you? Sometimes you need more than a shaver down there.
GAVOK <Naomi>: NO. DON'T.
> Snake: I don't want to be mistaken for the leader of the terrorists.
ZEMYLA: ...you idiot. If you had kept your hair that way, you could impersonate him!
Besides, who is there that would shoot at you for looking like him? All of the friendlies
have been- [ZEMYLA is interrupted by TBS]
TBS: We don't want your head exploding, blast it!
VIPER: You too can have a cleaner swimming pool, thanks to Infiltration!
>
> (Snake swims through the lower dock of the disposal facility. We see
> a man riding up the cargo elevator.)
>
> Liquid: Stay alert! He'll be through here, I know it. I'm going to go
> swat down a couple of bothersome flies.
>
> (Snake removes his flippers and calls Campbell on the codec.)
>
> Snake: This is Snake. Colonel, can you hear me?
TBS <Snake>: Do you care?
> Campbell: Loud and clear Snake. What's the situation?
> Snake: Looks like the elevator in the back is the only way up.
> Campbell: Just as I expected. You'll have to take the elevator to the
> surface. But make sure that nobody sees you. If you need to
> contact me by codec, the frequency is 140.85. When you want to use
> the codec push the Select button.
ZEMYLA <NPC>: To place a flag, push the X button!
WAND <Ardam>: But we don't have an X button!
VIPER <Drecker>: I do.
WAND <Ardam>: Okay- wait a minute, this is from a keyboard! Where did you get this?
TBS <Khrima>: Back to my memoirs. That was the day I got my first xylophone- what the?!
> When we need to contact you the
> codec will beep. When you hear that noise push the Select button.
> The codec directly stimulates the small bones of your ear, no one
> but you will be able to hear it.
VIPER: Except, of course, when the plot deems it necessary.
> Snake: Got it, okay, I'm ready to go.
>
> (Snake takes off his scuba gear and watches the landscape slide by as
> the elevator ascends. The title appears on the screen "Metal Gear
> Solid". The elevator stops and Snake quickly runs out and looks for
> cover behind a storage crate.)
TBS <Snake>: Damn, not here either! I'll never be able to return that movie on time!
>
> Snake: It's Snake.
VIPER <Campbell>: But I was expecting the pizza guy!
> I'm in front of the disposal facility.
> Campbell: Excellent, Snake. Age hasn't slowed you down one bit.
> Naomi: How's that Sneaking Suit working out?
GAVOK <Naomi>: And how's your workout suit sneaking?
> Snake: I'm nice and dry, but it is a little hard to move.
> Naomi: Bear with it. It's designed to prevent hypothermia. This is
> Alaska you know.
> Snake: Take it easy, I'm grateful. If it wasn't for your suit and your
> shot I would have turned into a popsicle out there.
VIPER <Snake>: -or perhaps I should say...a *Snake*-sicle? Oh ho HO!
WAND <Campbell>: Ugh, Christ, just get in there.
> Naomi: An anti-freezing peptide Snake. All of the Genome soldiers in this
> excercise are using it.
ZEMYLA: And if all these Genome soldiers jumped off a bridge, would you?
> Snake: I'm relieved to hear that. Already tested, huh? By the way, how's
> the diversionary operation going?
WAND <Campbell>: We've got a guy jumping up and down on a boat yelling "I'm being annoying!"
They'll be distracted for hours.
> Campbell: Two F-16s just took off from Galena
ZEMYLA <Campbell>: -and they're full of lead.
> and are headed your way. The
> terrorist's radar should have picked them up by now.
>
> (Snake peers out from behind the crate and sees a group of terrorists
> by a helicopter.)
>
> Snake: A Hind D? Colonel, what's a Russian gunship doing here?
TBS: You should know. Your dad named it.
VIPER: It could be worse. It could be a Heavy D.
> Campbell: I have no idea...but it looks like our little diversion got their
> attention. Now's your best chance to slip in unnoticed.
>
>(The helicopter takes off, throwing snow in all directions, the guards
> on the ground shield their eyes as they follow it up into the sky.)
VIPER <soldier>: Wheeeee! Flying!
>
> Campbell: There are only 18 hours left until their deadline. You've got to
> hurry.
GAVOK <Campbell>: BS stuff to make it 4 pages!
> Mei Ling: Wow...you must be crazy to fly a Hind in this kind of
> weather.
> Snake: Who's that?
> Campbell: Oh sorry, I haven't introduced you two yet. This is Mei Ling. She
> was assigned to us as our visual and data processing specialist.
> She designed your codec, as well as your Soliton radar system.
> Contact her if you have any questions about either of them.
> Mei Ling: Nice to meet you Snake. It's an honor to speak to a living legend
> like yourself.
> Snake: ......
MMK: Oh crap! Randy Orton's gotten to him!
> Mei Ling: What's wrong?
> Snake: Nothing...I just didn't expect a world-class designer of military
> technology to be so...cute.
> Mei Ling: You're just flattering me...
> Snake: No, I'm serious. Now I know I won't be bored for the next 18 hours.
> Mei Ling: C'mon, I can't believe I'm being hit on by the famous Solid Snake...
> But I'm surprised, you're very frank for a trained killer.
VIPER: I would've said he was very Jason for a trai-
WAND: -I suggest you don't finish that sentence.
> Snake: Looks like we both have a lot to learn about each other.
WAND <Snake>: Like what we look like naked.
> Mei Ling: Yeah, I'm looking forward to meeting the man behind the legend
WAND: That's easy. Just watch VH1.
>...but
> first, let me explain about your Soliton radar system.
> Mei Ling: The bright dot in the middle is you Snake. The red dots are your
> enemies and the blue cone shape represents their field of vision.
> Naomi: Be careful Snake. The Genome soldiers have highly developed senses
> of hearing and vision due to their gene therapy. Make sure you
> don’t let them see you.
VIPER <Naomi>: Because you look ridiculous in that getup.
> Campbell: First I want you to infiltrate the disposal site and look for the
> DARPA Chief.
> Naomi: The DARPA Chief was injected with the same GPS transmitting
> nanomachines as you.
ZEMYLA: Wow. A nanomachine that can transmit a signal bright enough for a satellite to pick out. I'm impressed.
> Mei Ling: He should appear on your radar as a green dot.
> Campbell: Get whatever information you can from him about the terrorists. If
> he’s alive that is...
> Mei Ling: Snake, your radar isn't affected by the weather, but if you're
> discovered by an enemy you won't be able to use it.
> Campbell: Yes, it gets jammed easily I'm afraid.
> Mei Ling: Yes, it's all made from currently existing technology. You won't be
> able to use it in an area with strong harmonic resonance. So be
> careful.
VIPER <Snake>: Ah, I see. A hippee radar.
> Campbell: We'll be monitoring your movements by radar... so contact us by
> Codec anytime you want.
GAVOK <Campbell>: I got like a million minutes on this cellphone plan.
> Snake: Got it. I'll call if I'm feeling lonely.
> Naomi: Seriously Snake. We're here to back you up, so call if you need
> some information or advice.
> Mei Ling: I'm also in charge of your mission data. Contact me if you want me
> to record your current status. My frequency is 140.96. It's a
> dedicated frequency for saving data. Don't forget it.
[VIPER pulls a radio out of nowhere and calls that frequency. OTHERS look at him.]
VIPER: What? You never know what might happen.
> Campbell: Remember, except for your binoculars you're naked. You need to arm
> yourself with whatever weapons you can find.
TBS: Like pants.
> Snake: I remember. First I'm strip searched by Doctor Naomi here, and then
> all my weapons are taken away. Imagine yourself put in that
> position.
MMK <Campbell>: My nipples are getting hard just thinking about it.
> Naomi: Well, if yck in one you make it back in one peice, maybe I'll let
> you do a strip search on me.
VIPER: Well, that's "if yck in one" taken care of, but what about Snake?
> Snake: I'll hold you to that doctor. By the way, sorry to dissapoint you
> but I did manage to smuggle out my smokes.
> Naomi: How did you do that?
> Snake: In my stomach. Thanks to the shot you gave me that suppressed my
> stomach acids.
> Mei Ling: Cigarettes? How are those going to help you?
> Snake: You never know.
GAVOK: Snake, if you blow up Crazy World, I'll love you forever.
WAND: ...so, is he going to light them with his gun?
> Campbell: If you want to get in, there's the front door.
TBS <Campbell>: Wear a red carnation and recite "bibbedy bobbedy boo."