Welcome to Mystery Octagon Theater's message board, where we write our MiSTings. Please read these guidelines:
before you submit a MiSTing post, make sure that you've checked your spelling. Please, as a favor to your long-suffering editor, adhere to the MOT Style Guide as much as possible, DAMMIT.
MOT is usually peopled by six to eight self-insertions. To get into the theater, call dibs when a new episode begins.
How to MiST: when someone posts part of a 'fic to be worked on, reply to that message with your jokes. When a section has been thoroughly worked over, we move on.
please do not impersonate another user or post anonymously. Evil twins are strictly prohibited.
all comments, compliments, and criticism relating to our MiSTings are encouraged and welcome on this board.
we are usually up to our collective ass in interested newbies. To handle these individuals, there is Quasispace, also known as the MOT B-Team. If you're interested in writing for MOT, go there.
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Updates [3/1/2005]: several eps are in the editing stage, and will go up when I next update the site.
The plan, such as it is, is for ep. 205 to be a MiSTing of the script for Metal Gear Solid. Nick is the Mad with TV's Austin as his lackey; theater meat includes Gavok, MMK, TBS, and Wanderer, with n00bs Viper and Zemyla. You may wish to get it started, monkeypants.
Admins: Thomas Wilde (Wanderer), the Black Snotling
Continuing the MSTing
by
I've started up a network54 board of my own to do some msting and would like to invite anybody here over if you'd like to participate.
I'd like to continue the msting of metal gear after the point where the commentary here stopped if there are no plans to continue it. Of course I will not be using any riffers/avatars of the people here, as they are not mine.
If you would like to participate in this, you can do so here:
http://www.network54.com/Forum/548026/
But it's just too much work for one person to do alone. I could do it, but I have more important things to do right now. Maybe someday we can get the band back together again.
>Chapter 6: Pokemon Adventure in Gardenbur
>
>
>
>Chris arrived out of his transporter near the well by Izmit in the World of Dragon Warrior.
>
>"This should take care of Dino's suit," said Chris. "I smell trouble with it." Chris then
>took the suit and threw it down the deep, dark, damp well where kids used to play.
>
>"This once peaceful place is now dangerous," said Chris. "If Dino's plans are sinister,
>then his plans will go to the monsters."
>
>
>
>Chris then took his boat down the river and proceeded to go towards the Castle of
>Gardenbur, the Castle of Women.
>
>"I'm not going to get past these guards," said Chris. "Ugh, what do I do?"
>
>"Yo Chris!" yelled a voice over the cell phone.
>
>"Who is this?" asked Chris.
>
>"Agent Mana, not a member of Dino's Heroes Committee," said the voice.
>
>"Eric Mana?" asked Chris. "One of James's old buddies?"
>
>"Oh yeah, former member of the Karate Four years ago, like Caliera also was," said the
>voice. "So, you're trying to get into Gardenbur, eh?"
>
>"Yeah," said Chris. "They're all women!"
>
>"Use your Hockey Stick. James put a little surprise in there before he left you the last
>time."
>
>Chris then said in surprise, "C'mon, James wouldn't do that!"
>
>"He put the Staff of Change in there. You can change your shape to sneak past the guards!"
>
>"COOL," exclaimed Chris. "That'll fool those stupid guards!"
>
>
>
>Chris, after disconnecting Agent Mana, waved his hockey stick. Wa-la, Chris suddenly became
>a beautiful dancer in place of his original self.
>
>"This should be a dandy," said Chris. "Now, to find Misty."
>
>
>
>"Who goes there?" asked the guard.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio," said Chris. "I wish to enter the all-women's castle of Gardenbur.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio? You're a good dancer all right," the guard said speaking to Chris
>dancing. "OK, you can come in. Our queen will be most pleased."
>
>
>
>Chris walked into the castle, and after secretly losing his disguise, headed straight for
>the castle pool.
>
>"Now what will get Misty's attention?" asked Chris. "Now I remember! James always labeled
>this one ball he gave me 'Misty's worst fear'. I wonder what it does..."
>
>Chris then took the ball, and threw it into the pool. Out came a Caterpie Pokemon!
>
>Many of the girls did not notice the Caterpie Pokemon, but one sure did.
>
>"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE BUGS!"
>
>"Misty?" asked Chris. "I should've known from our profiles that you hated bugs!"
>
>"YEEEEAH! YOU THREW THAT BUG?!" yelled Misty. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
>
>"I need to..."
>
>"STARMIE, I CHOOSE YOU!" Misty threw out a large Starfish-like Pokemon that looked pretty
>ticked off.
>
>"OOOOH!" said the Starmie, as it hunted Chris down.
>
>"STARMIE, SWIFT ATTACK!" directed Misty. The Starmie then fired hundreds of energy star
>bolts at Chris until he was bruised all over.
>
>"I hope that teaches you to respect the fact that I don't like bugs," said Misty.
>
>"Well, if you won't talk, then I will. CATERPIE, CRAWL!"
>
>The Caterpie crawled up Misty's shoulder and started tickling her.
>
>"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Misty. "What do you want?"
>
>"I don't like Pokemon too much, but Dino asked me to get some information on the Starmie
>Pokemon for the Heroes Committee, and information on Dann Zenretsu."
>
>"DANN Zenretsu?!!!!" yelled Misty. "That no-good Filipino bruiser with all of his friends
>bullying Ash and Brock into submission???!!! I'd do ANYTHING to bring him down, but first,
>get rid of the Caterpie, please."
>
>"How do I do that?" asked Chris. "I do not like Pokemon that much."
>
>"Just tell it to RETURN, you idiot!" yelled Misty. "Can't you figure out ANYTHING
>simple???!!!"
>
>"CATERPIE, RETURN!" commanded Chris, and the Pokemon returned to its ball.
>
>"STARMIE, RETURN!" Misty returned the favor with her Pokemon.
>
>
>
>"Dann Zenretsu, that no good, sniveling Filipino kid, has been picking on Ash, Brock and me
>since that no-good Necrosaro returned from his grave. He has been searching out for the
>most powerful Pokemon, even though he admits he hates them himself. Worse, Alex Getney and
>the other two are rampagaing occasionally through Gardenbur, plundering and taking whatever
>they can find," commented Misty.
>
>So, Dann's behavior went totally south when Necrosaro arrived?" asked Chris. "I've heard
>the same story over and over again."
>
>"They're after the Pokemon and the legendary Items of Legend," said Misty. "Why I do not
>know."
>
>"Well, you know that the Items of Legend are the things that can defeat Necrosaro, right?"
>asked Chris.
>
>"Yes, that's a very good reason. But why Pokemon also?" asked Misty.
>
>"I know James was experimenting with the monsters," said Chris. "If these four are on a
>mission to destroy James, then that could be why."
>
>"James? The Great Hero?" asked Misty.
>
>"Yes," said Chris.
>
>"Then you must be THE LEGENDARY CHRIS!" yelled Misty. "I'm so honored to be around you."
>
>"Cut the flattery," said Chris, "I want to know if Dann Zenretsu and company are still here
>at Gardenbur."
>
>"As far as I know, yes they are!" said Misty. And they're.... RIGHT THERE!"
>
>Alex Getney was running with what seemed to be a green helmet.
>
>"He's got the Zenethian Helmet!" yelled Misty. "GO STARMIE!"
>
>Alex Getney suddenly turned around, "Starmie, eh? COWER PUNCH!" Alex Getney knocked the
>Starmie flat back in one shot.
>
>"GRRRRRR," yelled Misty.
>
>"I got him Misty," said Chris, as he took out his hockey stick and a puck and suddenly
>fired it at the back of Alex Getney's head, "HOCKEY PUCK!"
>
>Alex was banged, and he dropped like a rock, but Emmanuel was there and caught the
>Zenethian Helmet. Dann also looked on.
>
>"You FIENDS!" yelled Misty. "Give back that helmet, it's the property of the queen!"
>
>"You had your chance to join us, girly!" said Dann. "Now face my psychic power!" Dann used
>his psychic power to put a choke-hold on Misty.
>
>"Get out of that, girly!" cackled Dann. "Stay out of our business."
>
>Chris then charged Dann, "HOCKEY STICK SLICE!" Dann let go of the psychic hold to dodge
>Chris.
>
>"We're not out for a ten-year old," said Dann. "Let's go, boys! We've already got the
>legendary Moltres and the Zenethian Helmet."
>
>"You're not going anywhere," said Chris.
>
>"That's what you think," said Adam who just walked in. "VOLTORB, SELF-DESTRUCT!"
>
>Adam then threw what seemed to be a Poke Ball in the direction of Misty and Chris.
>"VOLTORB!"
>
>Suddenly, the Voltorb blew into smoke, and Dann and his friends made an exit.
>
>"DAMN YOU!" yelled Misty to Dann and his friends.
>
>
>
>A bit later, Misty and Chris were chatting at the dinner table after they had cleaned up
>their slight wounds.
>
>"Chris, understand me now. You cannot defeat Dann Zenretsu. You might be able to defeat
>even Alex, but Dann's power is given to him by a great evil source, possibly greater than
>even Necrosaro himself."
>
>"Jedi Knights?" asked Chris.
>
>"Possibly, but he does have that power, but I don't think it's Jedi."
>
>"What could it be?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know," said Misty. "But I do know that James is investigating this as we speak."
>"WHAT? I thought James was on..." said Chris.
>
>"James never told you for your own safety, but he left Dino's group. He did it when he
>discovered a dirty secret about Dino."
>
>"Well, why wasn't I told?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know, you'd have to ask James himself," said Misty.
>
>"But no one knows where the hell James is!" yelled Chris.
>
>"Then, my suggestion: Go back to Dino, but don't wear any of those uniforms. Heroes
>Committee heroes are falling by the minute."
>
>"I knew something was funny about those," said Chris. "Any information on what Dann and
>company has collected?"
>
>"Dino will know," said Misty. "Ask him, and on your next mission, be prepared for
>anything."
>
>
>
>
>
>Chapter 6: Pokemon Adventure in Gardenbur
>
>
>
>Chris arrived out of his transporter near the well by Izmit in the World of Dragon Warrior.
>
>"This should take care of Dino's suit," said Chris. "I smell trouble with it."
VID: Funny, I usually smell trouble with my nose.
[The sound of crickets is heard]
VID: Well...I do.
> Chris then
>took the suit and threw it down the deep, dark, damp well where kids used to play.
GAVOK [singing]: This used to be my playground...this used to be my deep, dark dank hole in the ground...
>"This once peaceful place is now dangerous," said Chris. "If Dino's plans are sinister,
>then his plans will go to the monsters."
>
>
>
>Chris then took his boat down the river and proceeded to go towards the Castle of
>Gardenbur, the Castle of Women.
>
>"I'm not going to get past these guards," said Chris. "Ugh, what do I do?"
>
>"Yo Chris!" yelled a voice over the cell phone.
TIFFA: "Yo Chris!"? That has to be the stupidest ring tone I've ever heard.
MARK: Still better than a Blink 182 song.
TIFFA: True.
>"Who is this?" asked Chris.
>
>"Agent Mana, not a member of Dino's Heroes Committee," said the voice.
>
>"Eric Mana?" asked Chris. "One of James's old buddies?"
>
>"Oh yeah, former member of the Karate Four years ago, like Caliera also was," said the
>voice. "So, you're trying to get into Gardenbur, eh?"
>
>"Yeah," said Chris. "They're all women!"
MMK [Mana]: Stay put! It's too perilous!
GAVOK [Chris]: No, let me face the peril!
MMK [Mana]: You shouldn't even know about peril at your age.
GAVOK [Chris]: Just a little peril?
MMK [Mana]: No, it's unhealthy.
GAVOK [Chris]: I bet you're gay.
>"Use your Hockey Stick. James put a little surprise in there before he left you the last
>time."
TIFFA: If the surprise can't be measured in megatons, I don't care.
>Chris then said in surprise, "C'mon, James wouldn't do that!"
>
>"He put the Staff of Change in there. You can change your shape to sneak past the guards!"
>
>"COOL," exclaimed Chris. "That'll fool those stupid guards!"
VID: Yeah. All he'd have to do is change himself to look less like a certain fanfic author, and no one would recognize him.
>Chris, after disconnecting Agent Mana, waved his hockey stick. Wa-la, Chris suddenly became
>a beautiful dancer in place of his original self.
>
>"This should be a dandy,"
MARK: "Dandy"? He's crossdressing? Who wrote this, Harvey Feirstein?
> said Chris. "Now, to find Misty."
>
>
>
>"Who goes there?" asked the guard.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio," said Chris. "I wish to enter the all-women's castle of Gardenbur.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio? You're a good dancer all right," the guard said speaking to Chris
>dancing.
[TBS leaps up on to the backs of the chairs in front of the group]
TBS: That's the cue for the big dance number I have choreographed! Under your seats you'll find diagrams describing your place and actions in the dance!
[All the others stare at him hard. He pulls out a bag.]
TBS: I've got all the costumes in here! Tutus and combat boots for all! C'mon kids! Let's put on a show! We can save Mr. McMurtry's farm with a little elbow grease and Mark's dad's barn! It'll be swe...
[It's uncertain who put their boot to TBS's head first. Some would say Tiffa, others would say Gavok, some would swear up and down that it was Kaizer Soze. No matter who it was, Snotling flew the length of the theatre, bounced off the screen, and landed back in the exact same place he started]
TBS: Or I could just sit down and shut up! But I'm still wearing this tutu! [weeping] It makes me feel pretty.
>"OK, you can come in. Our queen will be most pleased."
>
>
>
>Chris walked into the castle, and after secretly losing his disguise, headed straight for
>the castle pool.
VID: The Perv is strong in this one.
>"Now what will get Misty's attention?" asked Chris. "Now I remember! James always labeled
>this one ball he gave me 'Misty's worst fear'. I wonder what it does..."
>
>Chris then took the ball, and threw it into the pool. Out came a Caterpie Pokemon!
>
>Many of the girls did not notice the Caterpie Pokemon, but one sure did.
>
>"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE BUGS!"
>
>"Misty?" asked Chris. "I should've known from our profiles that you hated bugs!"
>
>"YEEEEAH! YOU THREW THAT BUG?!" yelled Misty. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
>
>"I need to..."
>
>"STARMIE, I CHOOSE YOU!" Misty threw out a large Starfish-like Pokemon that looked pretty
>ticked off.
>
>"OOOOH!" said the Starmie, as it hunted Chris down.
>
>"STARMIE, SWIFT ATTACK!" directed Misty. The Starmie then fired hundreds of energy star
>bolts at Chris until he was bruised all over.
>
>"I hope that teaches you to respect the fact that I don't like bugs," said Misty.
>
>"Well, if you won't talk, then I will. CATERPIE, CRAWL!"
>The Caterpie crawled up Misty's shoulder and started tickling her.
>
>"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Misty. "What do you want?"
>
>"I don't like Pokemon too much, but Dino asked me to get some information on the Starmie
>Pokemon for the Heroes Committee, and information on Dann Zenretsu."
>
>"DANN Zenretsu?!!!!" yelled Misty. "That no-good Filipino bruiser with all of his friends
>bullying Ash and Brock into submission???!!! I'd do ANYTHING to bring him down, but first,
>get rid of the Caterpie, please."
>
>"How do I do that?" asked Chris. "I do not like Pokemon that much."
>
>"Just tell it to RETURN, you idiot!" yelled Misty. "Can't you figure out ANYTHING
>simple???!!!"
>
>"CATERPIE, RETURN!" commanded Chris, and the Pokemon returned to its ball.
>
>"STARMIE, RETURN!" Misty returned the favor with her Pokemon.
>
>
>
>"Dann Zenretsu, that no good, sniveling Filipino kid, has been picking on Ash, Brock and me
>since that no-good Necrosaro returned from his grave. He has been searching out for the
>most powerful Pokemon, even though he admits he hates them himself. Worse, Alex Getney and
>the other two are rampagaing occasionally through Gardenbur, plundering and taking whatever
>they can find," commented Misty.
>
>So, Dann's behavior went totally south when Necrosaro arrived?" asked Chris. "I've heard
>the same story over and over again."
>
>"They're after the Pokemon and the legendary Items of Legend," said Misty. "Why I do not
>know."
>
>"Well, you know that the Items of Legend are the things that can defeat Necrosaro, right?"
>asked Chris.
>
>"Yes, that's a very good reason. But why Pokemon also?" asked Misty.
>
>"I know James was experimenting with the monsters," said Chris. "If these four are on a
>mission to destroy James, then that could be why."
>
>"James? The Great Hero?" asked Misty.
[ALL giggle.]
>"Yes," said Chris.
>
>"Then you must be THE LEGENDARY CHRIS!"
VID [Misty]: LEGENDARY CHRIS! Seeker of the legendary Item of Legendary Legends! Legend says that legendary things happen around you legendarily often! I'm legendarily pleased to meet a legendary legend among legends as yourself!
> yelled Misty. "I'm so honored to be around you."
>
>"Cut the flattery," said Chris, "I want to know if Dann Zenretsu and company are still here
>at Gardenbur."
>
>"As far as I know, yes they are!" said Misty. And they're.... RIGHT THERE!"
>
>Alex Getney was running with what seemed to be a green helmet.
>
>"He's got the Zenethian Helmet!" yelled Misty. "GO STARMIE!"
>
>Alex Getney suddenly turned around, "Starmie, eh? COWER PUNCH!" Alex Getney knocked the
>Starmie flat back in one shot.
>
>"GRRRRRR," yelled Misty.
>
>"I got him Misty," said Chris, as he took out his hockey stick and a puck and suddenly
>fired it at the back of Alex Getney's head, "HOCKEY PUCK!"
>
>Alex was banged, and he dropped like a rock, but Emmanuel was there and caught the
>Zenethian Helmet. Dann also looked on.
>
>"You FIENDS!" yelled Misty. "Give back that helmet, it's the property of the queen!"
>
>"You had your chance to join us, girly!" said Dann. "Now face my psychic power!" Dann used
>his psychic power to put a choke-hold on Misty.
>
>"Get out of that, girly!" cackled Dann. "Stay out of our business."
>
>Chris then charged Dann, "HOCKEY STICK SLICE!" Dann let go of the psychic hold to dodge
>Chris.
>
>"We're not out for a ten-year old," said Dann. "Let's go, boys! We've already got the
>legendary Moltres and the Zenethian Helmet."
>
>"You're not going anywhere," said Chris.
>
>"That's what you think," said Adam who just walked in. "VOLTORB, SELF-DESTRUCT!"
>
>Adam then threw what seemed to be a Poke Ball in the direction of Misty and Chris.
>"VOLTORB!"
>
>Suddenly, the Voltorb blew into smoke, and Dann and his friends made an exit.
>
>"DAMN YOU!" yelled Misty to Dann and his friends.
>
>
>
>A bit later, Misty and Chris were chatting at the dinner table after they had cleaned up
>their slight wounds.
>
>"Chris, understand me now. You cannot defeat Dann Zenretsu. You might be able to defeat
>even Alex, but Dann's power is given to him by a great evil source, possibly greater than
>even Necrosaro himself."
>
>"Jedi Knights?" asked Chris.
>
>"Possibly, but he does have that power, but I don't think it's Jedi."
>
>"What could it be?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know," said Misty. "But I do know that James is investigating this as we speak."
>"WHAT? I thought James was on..." said Chris.
>
>"James never told you for your own safety, but he left Dino's group. He did it when he
>discovered a dirty secret about Dino."
GAVOK [giggly voice]: Big...Dino...is...TICKLISH!
>"Well, why wasn't I told?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know, you'd have to ask James himself," said Misty.
>
>"But no one knows where the hell James is!" yelled Chris.
>
>"Then, my suggestion: Go back to Dino, but don't wear any of those uniforms. Heroes
>Committee heroes are falling by the minute."
>
>"I knew something was funny about those," said Chris. "Any information on what Dann and
>company has collected?"
>
>"Dino will know," said Misty. "Ask him, and on your next mission, be prepared for
>anything."
---
Eh heh-heh-heh. Feel free to rewrite to taste.
>Chapter 6: Pokemon Adventure in Gardenbur
>
>
>
>Chris arrived out of his transporter near the well by Izmit in the World of Dragon Warrior.
>
>"This should take care of Dino's suit," said Chris. "I smell trouble with it."
VID: Funny, I usually smell trouble with my nose.
[The sound of crickets is heard]
VID: Well...I do.
> Chris then
>took the suit and threw it down the deep, dark, damp well where kids used to play.
GAVOK [singing]: This used to be my playground...this used to be my deep, dark dank hole in the ground...
>"This once peaceful place is now dangerous," said Chris. "If Dino's plans are sinister,
>then his plans will go to the monsters."
>
>
>
>Chris then took his boat down the river and proceeded to go towards the Castle of
>Gardenbur, the Castle of Women.
>
TBS: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Sir Galahad will be played by Chris.
>"I'm not going to get past these guards," said Chris. "Ugh, what do I do?"
>
>"Yo Chris!" yelled a voice over the cell phone.
TIFFA: "Yo Chris!"? That has to be the stupidest ring tone I've ever heard.
MARK: Still better than a Blink 182 song.
TIFFA: True.
>"Who is this?" asked Chris.
>
>"Agent Mana, not a member of Dino's Heroes Committee," said the voice.
>
>"Eric Mana?" asked Chris. "One of James's old buddies?"
>
>"Oh yeah, former member of the Karate Four years ago, like Caliera also was," said the
>voice. "So, you're trying to get into Gardenbur, eh?"
>
>"Yeah," said Chris. "They're all women!"
MMK [Mana]: Stay put! It's too perilous!
GAVOK [Chris]: No, let me face the peril!
MMK [Mana]: You shouldn't even know about peril at your age.
GAVOK [Chris]: Just a little peril?
MMK [Mana]: No, it's unhealthy.
GAVOK [Chris]: I bet you're gay.
>"Use your Hockey Stick. James put a little surprise in there before he left you the last
>time."
TIFFA: If the surprise can't be measured in megatons, I don't care.
>Chris then said in surprise, "C'mon, James wouldn't do that!"
>
>"He put the Staff of Change in there. You can change your shape to sneak past the guards!"
>
>"COOL," exclaimed Chris. "That'll fool those stupid guards!"
VID: Yeah. All he'd have to do is change himself to look less like a certain fanfic author, and no one would recognize him.
>Chris, after disconnecting Agent Mana, waved his hockey stick. Wa-la, Chris suddenly became
>a beautiful dancer in place of his original self.
>
>"This should be a dandy,"
MARK: "Dandy"? He's crossdressing? Who wrote this, Harvey Feirstein?
> said Chris. "Now, to find Misty."
>
>
>
>"Who goes there?" asked the guard.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio," said Chris. "I wish to enter the all-women's castle of Gardenbur.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio? You're a good dancer all right," the guard said speaking to Chris
>dancing.
[TBS leaps up on to the backs of the chairs in front of the group]
TBS: That's the cue for the big dance number I have choreographed! Under your seats you'll find diagrams describing your place and actions in the dance!
[All the others stare at him hard. He pulls out a bag.]
TBS: I've got all the costumes in here! Tutus and combat boots for all! C'mon kids! Let's put on a show! We can save Mr. McMurtry's farm with a little elbow grease and Mark's dad's barn! It'll be swe...
[It's uncertain who put their boot to TBS's head first. Some would say Tiffa, others would say Gavok, some would swear up and down that it was Keyzer Soze. No matter who it was, Snotling flew the length of the theatre, bounced off the screen, and landed back in the exact same place he started]
TBS: Or I could just sit down and shut up! But I'm still wearing this tutu! [weeping] It makes me feel pretty.
>"OK, you can come in. Our queen will be most pleased."
>
>
>
>Chris walked into the castle, and after secretly losing his disguise, headed straight for
>the castle pool.
VID: The Perv is strong in this one.
>"Now what will get Misty's attention?" asked Chris. "Now I remember! James always labeled
>this one ball he gave me 'Misty's worst fear'. I wonder what it does..."
>
>Chris then took the ball, and threw it into the pool. Out came a Caterpie Pokemon!
>
>Many of the girls did not notice the Caterpie Pokemon, but one sure did.
>
>"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE BUGS!"
>
>"Misty?" asked Chris. "I should've known from our profiles that you hated bugs!"
>
>"YEEEEAH! YOU THREW THAT BUG?!" yelled Misty. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
>
TIFF: Misty -- she doesn't take kindly to having Bug Pokemon thrown at her, and she *doesn't* take Johto Express.
>"I need to..."
>
>"STARMIE, I CHOOSE YOU!" Misty threw out a large Starfish-like Pokemon that looked pretty
>ticked off.
>
>"OOOOH!" said the Starmie, as it hunted Chris down.
>
>"STARMIE, SWIFT ATTACK!" directed Misty. The Starmie then fired hundreds of energy star
>bolts at Chris until he was bruised all over.
>
>"I hope that teaches you to respect the fact that I don't like bugs," said Misty.
>
>"Well, if you won't talk, then I will. CATERPIE, CRAWL!"
>The Caterpie crawled up Misty's shoulder and started tickling her.
>
>"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Misty. "What do you want?"
>
>"I don't like Pokemon too much, but Dino asked me to get some information on the Starmie
>Pokemon
TIFF: Did he? I must have blinked and missed that.
[I know I did. -z]
>for the Heroes Committee, and information on Dann Zenretsu."
>
>"DANN Zenretsu?!!!!" yelled Misty. "That no-good Filipino bruiser with all of his friends
>bullying Ash and Brock into submission???!!! I'd do ANYTHING to bring him down, but first,
>get rid of the Caterpie, please."
>
>"How do I do that?" asked Chris. "I do not like Pokemon that much."
>
>"Just tell it to RETURN, you idiot!" yelled Misty. "Can't you figure out ANYTHING
>simple???!!!"
>
MARK: And here, Misty displays the same winning interpersonal skills that make it clear why Ash kept travelling with her for so long.
TBS: Until Mystaria and Ashura were old enough to make ze wild manque-lurve.
[The grinding of TIFF's teeth is as like unto that of tectonic plates.]
>"CATERPIE, RETURN!" commanded Chris, and the Pokemon returned to its ball.
>
>"STARMIE, RETURN!" Misty returned the favor with her Pokemon.
>
>
>
>"Dann Zenretsu, that no good, sniveling Filipino kid, has been picking on Ash, Brock and me
>since that no-good Necrosaro returned from his grave.
MMK <Zeus>: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE.
>He has been searching out for the
>most powerful Pokemon, even though he admits he hates them himself. Worse, Alex Getney and
>the other two are rampagaing occasionally through Gardenbur, plundering and taking whatever
>they can find," commented Misty.
>
>So, Dann's behavior went totally south when Necrosaro arrived?" asked Chris. "I've heard
>the same story over and over again."
>
>"They're after the Pokemon and the legendary Items of Legend," said Misty. "Why I do not
>know."
>
MMK: HA! IT IS BECAUSE THEY HOPE TO BE AS LEGENDARY AS ME, THAT IS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU! BUT ALAS, THEIRS IS A FOREDOOMED ATTEMPT, FOR MINE IS THE WARRIOR'S WAY, THE WANDERING WAY, THE WAY-HEY-HEY...
>"Well, you know that the Items of Legend are the things that can defeat Necrosaro, right?"
>asked Chris.
>
>"Yes, that's a very good reason. But why Pokemon also?" asked Misty.
>
>"I know James was experimenting with the monsters," said Chris. "If these four are on a
>mission to destroy James, then that could be why."
>
>"James? The Great Hero?" asked Misty.
[ALL giggle.]
>"Yes," said Chris.
>
>"Then you must be THE LEGENDARY CHRIS!"
VID [Misty]: LEGENDARY CHRIS! Seeker of the legendary Item of Legendary Legends! Legend says that legendary things happen around you legendarily often! I'm legendarily pleased to meet a legendary legend among legends as yourself!
> yelled Misty. "I'm so honored to be around you."
>
>"Cut the flattery," said Chris, "I want to know if Dann Zenretsu and company are still here
>at Gardenbur."
>
>"As far as I know, yes they are!" said Misty. And they're.... RIGHT THERE!"
>
GAVOK <The Joker>: Made you look!
>Alex Getney was running with what seemed to be a green helmet.
>
>"He's got the Zenethian Helmet!" yelled Misty. "GO STARMIE!"
>
>Alex Getney suddenly turned around, "Starmie, eh? COWER PUNCH!"
VID <Bill Maher>: You just make stuff up, don't you?
>Alex Getney knocked the
>Starmie flat back in one shot.
>
>"GRRRRRR," yelled Misty.
>
>"I got him Misty," said Chris, as he took out his hockey stick and a puck and suddenly
>fired it at the back of Alex Getney's head, "HOCKEY PUCK!"
>
>Alex was banged,
TBS: --
TIFF: No.
TBS: But dammit, it's right there on the--!
GAVOK: IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHAT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE SCREEN!
TIFF: Thank you. I think.
>and he dropped like a rock, but Emmanuel was there and caught the
>Zenethian Helmet. Dann also looked on.
>
>"You FIENDS!" yelled Misty. "Give back that helmet, it's the property of the queen!"
>
>"You had your chance to join us, girly!" said Dann. "Now face my psychic power!" Dann used
>his psychic power to put a choke-hold on Misty.
>
>"Get out of that, girly!" cackled Dann. "Stay out of our business."
>
>Chris then charged Dann, "HOCKEY STICK SLICE!" Dann let go of the psychic hold to dodge
>Chris.
>
>"We're not out for a ten-year old," said Dann.
TBS <Dann>: I mean, who do we look like, Jacko?
>"Let's go, boys! We've already got the
>legendary Moltres and the Zenethian Helmet."
>
>"You're not going anywhere," said Chris.
>
>"That's what you think," said Adam who just walked in. "VOLTORB, SELF-DESTRUCT!"
>
>Adam then threw what seemed to be a Poke Ball in the direction of Misty and Chris.
>"VOLTORB!"
>
>Suddenly, the Voltorb blew into smoke,
MMK <Voltorb>: I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your Pokemon Center down!
>and Dann and his friends made an exit.
>
>"DAMN YOU!" yelled Misty to Dann and his friends.
>
MMK <Dann>: That's right, DANN ME!
>
>
>A bit later, Misty and Chris were chatting at the dinner table after they had cleaned up
>their slight wounds.
>
>"Chris, understand me now. You cannot defeat Dann Zenretsu. You might be able to defeat
>even Alex, but Dann's power is given to him by a great evil source, possibly greater than
>even Necrosaro himself."
>
>"Jedi Knights?" asked Chris.
>
[Mass facefault.]
VID: I think my head is melting.
>"Possibly, but he does have that power, but I don't think it's Jedi."
>
MMK: Could be Jei.
TBS: Or Asagiri Kenjutsu.
>"What could it be?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know," said Misty. "But I do know that James is investigating this as we speak."
>"WHAT? I thought James was on..." said Chris.
>
>"James never told you for your own safety, but he left Dino's group. He did it when he
>discovered a dirty secret about Dino."
GAVOK [giggly voice]: Big...Dino...is...TICKLISH!
>"Well, why wasn't I told?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know, you'd have to ask James himself," said Misty.
>
>"But no one knows where the hell James is!" yelled Chris.
>
TIFF: You can tell it's mature 'cause he swears like a sailor.
MMK: And drinks like a Mick.
TBS: And don't forget, his only words of wisdom were--
GAVOK <hastily>: [RADIO EDIT].
>"Then, my suggestion: Go back to Dino, but don't wear any of those uniforms. Heroes
>Committee heroes are falling by the minute."
>
MMK <Beowulf Shaeffer>: Perfectly respectable gentlemen took to leaving their hotel windows without their lift belts.
>"I knew something was funny about those," said Chris. "Any information on what Dann and
>company has collected?"
>
>"Dino will know," said Misty. "Ask him, and on your next mission, be prepared for
>anything."
>Chapter 6: Pokemon Adventure in Gardenbur
>
>
>
>Chris arrived out of his transporter near the well by Izmit in the World of Dragon Warrior.
>
>"This should take care of Dino's suit," said Chris. "I smell trouble with it."
VID: Funny, I usually smell trouble with my nose.
[The sound of crickets is heard]
VID: Well...I do.
> Chris then
>took the suit and threw it down the deep, dark, damp well where kids used to play.
GAVOK [singing]: This used to be my playground...this used to be my deep, dark dank hole in the ground...
>"This once peaceful place is now dangerous," said Chris. "If Dino's plans are sinister,
>then his plans will go to the monsters."
VID: Well, this story is a quack which has gone to the dogs. So?
[This needs a fitting, if horrible, hospital-type pun.]
>
>
>
>Chris then took his boat down the river and proceeded to go towards the Castle of
>Gardenbur, the Castle of Women.
>
TBS: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Sir Galahad will be played by Chris.
>"I'm not going to get past these guards," said Chris. "Ugh, what do I do?"
>
>"Yo Chris!" yelled a voice over the cell phone.
TIFFA: "Yo Chris!"? That has to be the stupidest ring tone I've ever heard.
MARK: Still better than a Blink 182 song.
TIFFA: True.
>"Who is this?" asked Chris.
>
>"Agent Mana, not a member of Dino's Heroes Committee," said the voice.
>
>"Eric Mana?" asked Chris. "One of James's old buddies?"
>
>"Oh yeah, former member of the Karate Four years ago, like Caliera also was," said the
>voice. "So, you're trying to get into Gardenbur, eh?"
>
>"Yeah," said Chris. "They're all women!"
MMK [Mana]: Stay put! It's too perilous!
GAVOK [Chris]: No, let me face the peril!
MMK [Mana]: You shouldn't even know about peril at your age.
GAVOK [Chris]: Just a little peril?
MMK [Mana]: No, it's unhealthy.
GAVOK [Chris]: I bet you're gay.
>"Use your Hockey Stick.
TBS: That's one good way to get oneself into a woman.
VID <to TIFF>: Um, match you for it?
[VID and TIFF play Rock-Paper-Scissors. TIFF wins.]
[Violence, anyone?]
James put a little surprise in there before he left you the last
>time."
TIFFA: If the surprise can't be measured in megatons, I don't care.
>Chris then said in surprise, "C'mon, James wouldn't do that!"
>
>"He put the Staff of Change in there.
MMK: It only cost a couple of quarters.
GAVOK: Ba-dum-bum-CHING!
You can change your shape to sneak past the guards!"
>
>"COOL," exclaimed Chris. "That'll fool those stupid guards!"
VID: Yeah. All he'd have to do is change himself to look less like a certain fanfic author, and no one would recognize him.
>Chris, after disconnecting Agent Mana,
TIFF: ...in particular, his head from his spine....
waved his hockey stick. Wa-la, Chris suddenly became
>a beautiful dancer in place of his original self.
>
>"This should be a dandy,"
MARK: "Dandy"? He's crossdressing? Who wrote this, Harvey Feirstein?
> said Chris. "Now, to find Misty."
>
>
>
>"Who goes there?" asked the guard.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio," said Chris. "I wish to enter the all-women's castle of Gardenbur.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio? You're a good dancer all right," the guard said speaking to Chris
>dancing.
[TBS leaps up on to the backs of the chairs in front of the group]
TBS: That's the cue for the big dance number I have choreographed! Under your seats you'll find diagrams describing your place and actions in the dance!
[All the others stare at him hard. He pulls out a bag.]
TBS: I've got all the costumes in here! Tutus and combat boots for all! C'mon kids! Let's put on a show! We can save Mr. McMurtry's farm with a little elbow grease and Mark's dad's barn! It'll be swe...
[It's uncertain who put their boot to TBS's head first. Some would say Tiffa, others would say Gavok, some would swear up and down that it was Keyzer Soze. No matter who it was, Snotling flew the length of the theatre, bounced off the screen, and landed back in the exact same place he started]
TBS: Or I could just sit down and shut up! But I'm still wearing this tutu! [weeping] It makes me feel pretty.
>"OK, you can come in. Our queen will be most pleased."
>
>
>
>Chris walked into the castle, and after secretly losing his disguise, headed straight for
>the castle pool.
VID: The Perv is strong in this one.
>"Now what will get Misty's attention?" asked Chris. "Now I remember! James always labeled
>this one ball he gave me 'Misty's worst fear'. I wonder what it does..."
>
>Chris then took the ball, and threw it into the pool. Out came a Caterpie Pokemon!
>
>Many of the girls did not notice the Caterpie Pokemon, but one sure did.
>
>"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE BUGS!"
>
>"Misty?" asked Chris. "I should've known from our profiles that you hated bugs!"
>
>"YEEEEAH! YOU THREW THAT BUG?!" yelled Misty. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
>
TIFF: Misty -- she doesn't take kindly to having Bug Pokemon thrown at her, and she *doesn't* take Johto Express.
>"I need to..."
>
>"STARMIE, I CHOOSE YOU!" Misty threw out a large Starfish-like Pokemon that looked pretty
>ticked off.
>
>"OOOOH!" said the Starmie, as it hunted Chris down.
>
>"STARMIE, SWIFT ATTACK!" directed Misty. The Starmie then fired hundreds of energy star
>bolts at Chris until he was bruised all over.
>
>"I hope that teaches you to respect the fact that I don't like bugs," said Misty.
>
>"Well, if you won't talk, then I will. CATERPIE, CRAWL!"
>The Caterpie crawled up Misty's shoulder and started tickling her.
VID: "[PING] Misty: 3 seconds".
>
>"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Misty. "What do you want?"
>
>"I don't like Pokemon too much, but Dino asked me to get some information on the Starmie
>Pokemon
TIFF: Did he? I must have blinked and missed that.
[I know I did. -z]
>for the Heroes Committee, and information on Dann Zenretsu."
>
>"DANN Zenretsu?!!!!" yelled Misty. "That no-good Filipino bruiser with all of his friends
>bullying Ash and Brock into submission???!!! I'd do ANYTHING to bring him down,
TBS: ...annnything?
[Weapons are readied.]
TBS: I'll be good.
but first,
>get rid of the Caterpie, please."
>
>"How do I do that?" asked Chris. "I do not like Pokemon that much."
>
>"Just tell it to RETURN, you idiot!" yelled Misty.
TIFF <Misty>: Hit any key to continue! I don't care which one!
"Can't you figure out ANYTHING
>simple???!!!"
>
MARK: And here, Misty displays the same winning interpersonal skills that make it clear why Ash kept travelling with her for so long.
TBS: Until Mystaria and Ashura were old enough to make ze wild manque-lurve.
[The grinding of TIFF's teeth is as like unto that of tectonic plates.]
>"CATERPIE, RETURN!" commanded Chris, and the Pokemon returned to its ball.
>
>"STARMIE, RETURN!" Misty returned the favor with her Pokemon.
>
>
>
>"Dann Zenretsu, that no good, sniveling Filipino kid, has been picking on Ash, Brock and me
>since that no-good Necrosaro returned from his grave.
MMK <Zeus>: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE.
>He has been searching out for the
>most powerful Pokemon, even though he admits he hates them himself. Worse, Alex Getney and
>the other two are rampagaing occasionally through Gardenbur, plundering and taking whatever
>they can find," commented Misty.
>
>So, Dann's behavior went totally south when Necrosaro arrived?" asked Chris. "I've heard
>the same story over and over again."
>
>"They're after the Pokemon and the legendary Items of Legend," said Misty. "Why I do not
>know."
>
MMK: HA! IT IS BECAUSE THEY HOPE TO BE AS LEGENDARY AS ME, THAT IS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU! BUT ALAS, THEIRS IS A FOREDOOMED ATTEMPT, FOR MINE IS THE WARRIOR'S WAY, THE WANDERING WAY, THE WAY-HEY-HEY...
>"Well, you know that the Items of Legend are the things that can defeat Necrosaro, right?"
>asked Chris.
>
>"Yes, that's a very good reason. But why Pokemon also?" asked Misty.
VID: Because you just gotta catch 'em all!
[I oughta be bapped for that one.]
>
>"I know James was experimenting with the monsters," said Chris. "If these four are on a
>mission to destroy James, then that could be why."
>
>"James? The Great Hero?" asked Misty.
[ALL giggle.]
>"Yes," said Chris.
>
>"Then you must be THE LEGENDARY CHRIS!"
VID [Misty]: LEGENDARY CHRIS! Seeker of the legendary Item of Legendary Legends! Legend says that legendary things happen around you legendarily often! I'm legendarily pleased to meet a legendary legend among legends as yourself!
> yelled Misty. "I'm so honored to be around you."
>
>"Cut the flattery," said Chris, "I want to know if Dann Zenretsu and company are still here
>at Gardenbur."
>
>"As far as I know, yes they are!" said Misty. And they're.... RIGHT THERE!"
>
GAVOK <The Joker>: Made you look!
>Alex Getney was running with what seemed to be a green helmet.
VID <Bill Maher>: You just make stuff up, don't you?
>Alex Getney knocked the
>Starmie flat back in one shot.
>
>"GRRRRRR," yelled Misty.
>
>"I got him Misty," said Chris, as he took out his hockey stick and a puck and suddenly
>fired it at the back of Alex Getney's head, "HOCKEY PUCK!"
>
>Alex was banged,
TBS: --
TIFF: No.
TBS: But dammit, it's right there on the--!
GAVOK: IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHAT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE SCREEN!
TIFF: Thank you. I think.
>and he dropped like a rock, but Emmanuel was there and caught the
>Zenethian Helmet. Dann also looked on.
>
>"You FIENDS!" yelled Misty. "Give back that helmet, it's the property of the queen!"
>
>"You had your chance to join us, girly!" said Dann. "Now face my psychic power!" Dann used
>his psychic power to put a choke-hold on Misty.
VID: I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!
>
>"Get out of that, girly!" cackled Dann. "Stay out of our business."
>
>Chris then charged Dann, "HOCKEY STICK SLICE!" Dann let go of the psychic hold to dodge
>Chris.
>
>"We're not out for a ten-year old," said Dann.
TBS <Dann>: I mean, who do we look like, Jacko?
>"Let's go, boys! We've already got the
>legendary Moltres and the Zenethian Helmet."
>
>"You're not going anywhere," said Chris.
>
>"That's what you think," said Adam who just walked in. "VOLTORB, SELF-DESTRUCT!"
>
>Adam then threw what seemed to be a Poke Ball in the direction of Misty and Chris.
>"VOLTORB!"
>
>Suddenly, the Voltorb blew into smoke,
MMK <Voltorb>: I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your Pokemon Center down!
>and Dann and his friends made an exit.
>
>"DAMN YOU!" yelled Misty to Dann and his friends.
>
MMK <Dann>: That's right, DANN ME!
>
>
>A bit later, Misty and Chris were chatting at the dinner table after they had cleaned up
>their slight wounds.
>
>"Chris, understand me now. You cannot defeat Dann Zenretsu.
MARK: If you go to Zha'ha'dum, you will die.
You might be able to defeat
>even Alex, but Dann's power is given to him by a great evil source, possibly greater than
>even Necrosaro himself."
>
>"Jedi Knights?" asked Chris.
>
[Mass facefault.]
VID: I think my head is melting.
>"Possibly, but he does have that power, but I don't think it's Jedi."
>
MMK: Could be Jei.
TBS: Or Asagiri Kenjutsu.
VID: Please, don't let it be Teras Kasi.
>"What could it be?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know," said Misty. "But I do know that James is investigating this as we speak."
>"WHAT? I thought James was on..." said Chris.
>
>"James never told you for your own safety, but he left Dino's group. He did it when he
>discovered a dirty secret about Dino."
GAVOK [giggly voice]: Big...Dino...is...TICKLISH!
>"Well, why wasn't I told?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know, you'd have to ask James himself," said Misty.
>
>"But no one knows where the hell James is!" yelled Chris.
>
TIFF: You can tell it's mature 'cause he swears like a sailor.
MMK: And drinks like a Mick.
TBS: And don't forget, his only words of wisdom were--
GAVOK <hastily>: [RADIO EDIT].
>"Then, my suggestion: Go back to Dino, but don't wear any of those uniforms. Heroes
>Committee heroes are falling by the minute."
>
MMK <Beowulf Shaeffer>: Perfectly respectable gentlemen took to leaving their hotel windows without their lift belts.
>"I knew something was funny about those," said Chris. "Any information on what Dann and
>company has collected?"
VID <Misty>: Why, yes. I have his pokedex right here.
>
>"Dino will know," said Misty. "Ask him, and on your next mission, be prepared for
>anything."
{Someone needs to reread the style guide. :/ Or at least, make sure they don't mix up IFR and MOT styles. :/ I think I caught all of them this time around though. -Mark}
>Chapter 6: Pokemon Adventure in Gardenbur
TBS <Pikachu>: Pika, pika pi.
MMK <Bulbasaur>: Bulba! Bulbasaur bul.
GAVOK <Charmander>: Charmander char!
MARK <narrator>: The end!
>Chris arrived out of his transporter near the well by Izmit in the World of Dragon Warrior.
GAVOK: ...resting on the backs of four elephants that stood on the back of a giant turtle...
TIFF: ...near Bifrost the rainbow bridge...
TBS: ...along the yellow brick road...
MMK: ...around the old oak tree...
MARK: ...over the hill and over the dale...
VID: ...and over the bourn to Dawlish.
{There's your obligatory classical cultural references. -Mark}
>"This should take care of Dino's suit," said Chris. "I smell trouble with it."
VID: Funny, I usually smell trouble with my nose.
[The sound ofchirping crickets is heard.]
VID: Well...I do.
> Chris then
>took the suit and threw it down the deep, dark, damp well where kids used to play.
GAVOK <singing>: This used to be my playground...this used to be my deep, dark dank hole in the ground...
TBS: A certain woman is angry about that whole set-up.
MARK <Sadako>: Damn pesky kids and their rock music!
>"This once peaceful place is now dangerous," said Chris. "If Dino's plans are sinister,
>then his plans will go to the monsters."
VID: Well, this story is a quack which has gone to the dogs. So?
[This needs a fitting, if horrible, hospital-type pun.]
>Chris then took his boat down the river and proceeded to go towards the Castle of
>Gardenbur, the Castle of Women.
TBS: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Sir Galahad will be played by Chris.
>"I'm not going to get past these guards," said Chris. "Ugh, what do I do?"
>
>"Yo Chris!" yelled a voice over the cell phone.
TIFFA: "Yo Chris!"? That has to be the stupidest ring tone I've ever heard.
MARK: Still better than a Blink 182 song.
TIFFA: True.
>"Who is this?" asked Chris.
>
>"Agent Mana, not a member of Dino's Heroes Committee," said the voice.
>
>"Eric Mana?" asked Chris. "One of James's old buddies?"
>
>"Oh yeah, former member of the Karate Four years ago, like Caliera also was," said the
>voice. "So, you're trying to get into Gardenbur, eh?"
MMK <Chris>: Yeah, I--wait, how did you know?
GAVOK <Eric>: We're psychic, remember?
VID <Eric>: Could you wait a while? We're still setting up the traps.
>"Yeah," said Chris. "They're all women!"
MMK <Mana>: Stay put! It's too perilous!
GAVOK <Chris>: No, let me face the peril!
MMK <Mana>: You shouldn't even know about peril at your age.
GAVOK <Chris>: Just a little peril?
MMK <Mana>: No, it's unhealthy.
GAVOK <Chris>: I bet you're gay.
>"Use your Hockey Stick.
TBS: That's one good way to get oneself into a woman.
VID <to TIFF>: Um, match you for it?
[VID and TIFF play Rock-Paper-Scissors. TIFF wins.]
[Violence, anyone?]
>James put a little surprise in there before he left you the last
>time."
TIFF: If the surprise can't be measured in megatons, I don't care.
MMK <Chris>: It's a... [mimes taking out something] halibut?
>Chris then said in surprise, "C'mon, James wouldn't do that!"
>
>"He put the Staff of Change in there.
MMK: It only cost a couple of quarters.
GAVOK: Ba-dum-bum-CHING!
>You can change your shape to sneak past the guards!"
>
>"COOL," exclaimed Chris. "That'll fool those stupid guards!"
VID: Yeah. All he'd have to do is change himself to look less like a certain fanfic author, and no one would recognize him.
>Chris, after disconnecting Agent Mana,
TIFF: ...in particular, his head from his spine....
>waved his hockey stick. Wa-la, Chris suddenly became
>a beautiful dancer in place of his original self.
>
>"This should be a dandy,"
MARK: "Dandy"? He's crossdressing? Who wrote this, Harvey Feirstein?
> said Chris. "Now, to find Misty."
>
>
>
>"Who goes there?" asked the guard.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio," said Chris. "I wish to enter the all-women's castle of Gardenbur.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio? You're a good dancer all right," the guard said speaking to Chris
>dancing.
[TBS leaps up on to the backs of the chairs in front of the group.]
TBS: That's the cue for the big dance number I have choreographed! Under your seats you'll find diagrams describing your place and actions in the dance!
[All the others stare at him hard. He pulls out a bag.]
TBS: I've got all the costumes in here! Tutus and combat boots for all! C'mon kids! Let's put on a show! We can save Mr. McMurtry's farm with a little elbow grease and Mark's dad's barn! It'll be swe...
[It's uncertain who put their boot to TBS's head first. Some would say TIFF, others would say GAVOK, some would swear up and down that it was Keyzer Soze. No matter who it was, Snotling flew the length of the theatre, bounced off the screen, and landed back in the exact same place he started.]
TBS: Or I could just sit down and shut up! But I'm still wearing this tutu! [weeping] It makes me feel pretty.
>"OK, you can come in. Our queen will be most pleased."
>
>
>
>Chris walked into the castle, and after secretly losing his disguise, headed straight for
>the castle pool.
VID: The Perv is strong in this one.
>"Now what will get Misty's attention?" asked Chris. "Now I remember!
TIFF: Pokemon?
MARK: Mall sales?
TBS: Ash in bondage gear?
>James always labeled
>this one ball he gave me
TIFF <Chris>: ...'My testicle.'
[ALL MALES involuntarily cross their legs as TIFF snickers.]
>'Misty's worst fear'. I wonder what it does..."
MARK: Maybe it releases a batch of Professor Crane's gas?
TBS: Riiight...
MARK: I can hope for something fun, can't I?
>Chris then took the ball, and threw it into the pool. Out came a Caterpie Pokemon!
MMK <Caterpie>: Hey! This isn't Fresno Beach!
>Many of the girls did not notice the Caterpie Pokemon, but one sure did.
>
>"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE BUGS!"
TIFF: My, I'm amazed by the three-dimensional characterizations here...
>"Misty?" asked Chris. "I should've known from our profiles that you hated bugs!"
>
>"YEEEEAH! YOU THREW THAT BUG?!" yelled Misty. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
>
TIFF: Misty -- she doesn't take kindly to having Bug Pokemon thrown at her, and she *doesn't* take Johto Express.
>"I need to..."
>
>"STARMIE, I CHOOSE YOU!" Misty threw out a large Starfish-like Pokemon that looked pretty
>ticked off.
MMK <Starmie>: Keen!
>"OOOOH!" said the Starmie, as it hunted Chris down.
>
>"STARMIE, SWIFT ATTACK!" directed Misty.
TBS <Starmie>: Umm, what's my motivation?
MARK: After which Misty immediately said "Cut!"
> The Starmie then fired hundreds of energy star
>bolts at Chris until he was bruised all over.
ALL: Yay!
>"I hope that teaches you to respect the fact that I don't like bugs," said Misty.
>
>"Well, if you won't talk, then I will. CATERPIE, CRAWL!"
>The Caterpie crawled up Misty's shoulder and started tickling her.
VID: "[PING] Misty: 3 seconds".
>"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Misty. "What do you want?"
>
>"I don't like Pokemon too much, but Dino asked me to get some information on the Starmie
>Pokemon
TIFF: Did he? I must have blinked and missed that.
[I know I did. -z]
>for the Heroes Committee, and information on Dann Zenretsu."
GAVOK <Chris, valley girl>: Like, what are his likes and dislikes, his fave colors, you know?
TBS <Chris, valley girl>: And does he think I'm cute?
>"DANN Zenretsu?!!!!" yelled Misty.
TIFF: Which was about all she did in this fic so far. Yell, that is.
>"That no-good Filipino bruiser with all of his friends
>bullying Ash and Brock into submission???!!!
MARK: And all this happened since when?
MMK: Last Tuesday.
> I'd do ANYTHING to bring him down,
TBS: ...annnything?
[Weapons are readied.]
TBS: I'll be good.
>but first,
>get rid of the Caterpie, please."
>
>"How do I do that?" asked Chris. "I do not like Pokemon that much."
>
>"Just tell it to RETURN, you idiot!" yelled Misty.
TIFF <Misty>: Hit any key to continue! I don't care which one!
"Can't you figure out ANYTHING
>simple???!!!"
MARK: And here, Misty displays the same winning interpersonal skills that make it clear why Ash kept travelling with her for so long.
TBS: Until Mystaria and Ashura were old enough to make ze wild manque-lurve.
[The grinding of TIFF's teeth is as like unto that of tectonic plates.]
>"CATERPIE, RETURN!" commanded Chris, and the Pokemon returned to its ball.
>
>"STARMIE, RETURN!" Misty returned the favor with her Pokemon.
>
>
>
>"Dann Zenretsu, that no good, sniveling Filipino kid, has been picking on Ash, Brock and me
>since that no-good Necrosaro returned from his grave.
MMK <Zeus>: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE.
>He has been searching out for the
>most powerful Pokemon, even though he admits he hates them himself. Worse, Alex Getney and
>the other two are rampagaing occasionally through Gardenbur, plundering and taking whatever
>they can find," commented Misty.
GAVOK: Mostly ales and whores.
MMK: And cheese.
TBS: And nachos. Can't forget nachos.
>So, Dann's behavior went totally south when Necrosaro arrived?" asked Chris. "I've heard
>the same story over and over again."
>
>"They're after the Pokemon and the legendary Items of Legend," said Misty. "Why I do not
>know."
MMK <Haohmaru>: HA! IT IS BECAUSE THEY HOPE TO BE AS LEGENDARY AS ME, THAT IS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU! BUT ALAS, THEIRS IS A FOREDOOMED ATTEMPT, FOR MINE IS THE WARRIOR'S WAY, THE WANDERING WAY, THE WAY-HEY-HEY...
>"Well, you know that the Items of Legend are the things that can defeat Necrosaro, right?"
>asked Chris.
MARK: Why do I suddenly have this ominous feeling that one of the Items of Legend is going to turn out to be a hockey stick?
TIFF: You too?
>"Yes, that's a very good reason. But why Pokemon also?" asked Misty.
VID: Because you just gotta catch 'em all!
[I oughta be bapped for that one.]
>
>"I know James was experimenting with the monsters," said Chris. "If these four are on a
>mission to destroy James, then that could be why."
>
>"James? The Great Hero?" asked Misty.
[ALL giggle.]
>"Yes," said Chris.
>
>"Then you must be THE LEGENDARY CHRIS!"
VID <Misty>: LEGENDARY CHRIS! Seeker of the legendary Item of Legendary Legends! Legend says that legendary things happen around you legendarily often! I'm legendarily pleased to meet a legendary legend among legends as yourself!
> yelled Misty. "I'm so honored to be around you."
MARK <Misty, wailing>: I just want to bask in your reflected glory! Reflected glory!
>"Cut the flattery," said Chris, "I want to know if Dann Zenretsu and company are still here
>at Gardenbur."
>
>"As far as I know, yes they are!" said Misty. And they're.... RIGHT THERE!"
GAVOK <The Joker>: Made you look!
>Alex Getney was running with what seemed to be a green helmet.
VID <Bill Maher>: You just make stuff up, don't you?
>Alex Getney knocked the
>Starmie flat back in one shot.
>
>"GRRRRRR," yelled Misty.
TBS <Misty>: STUPID CAPS LOCK KEY!
>"I got him Misty," said Chris, as he took out his hockey stick and a puck and suddenly
>fired it at the back of Alex Getney's head, "HOCKEY PUCK!"
>
>Alex was banged,
TBS: ...
TIFF: No.
TBS: But dammit, it's right there on the--!
GAVOK: IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHAT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE SCREEN!
TIFF: Thank you. I think.
>and he dropped like a rock, but Emmanuel was there and caught the
>Zenethian Helmet. Dann also looked on.
>
>"You FIENDS!" yelled Misty. "Give back that helmet, it's the property of the queen!"
>
>"You had your chance to join us, girly!" said Dann. "Now face my psychic power!" Dann used
>his psychic power to put a choke-hold on Misty.
VID <Dann>: [mimes pinching his thumb and index finger and squinting] I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!
>"Get out of that, girly!" cackled Dann. "Stay out of our business."
>
>Chris then charged Dann,
MARK <Chris>: That'll be five bucks.
[TBS does a rimshot.]
>"HOCKEY STICK SLICE!" Dann let go of the psychic hold to dodge
>Chris.
>
>"We're not out for a ten-year old," said Dann.
TBS <Dann>: I mean, who do we look like, Jacko?
>"Let's go, boys! We've already got the
>legendary Moltres and the Zenethian Helmet."
>
>"You're not going anywhere," said Chris.
>
>"That's what you think," said Adam who just walked in. "VOLTORB, SELF-DESTRUCT!"
>
>Adam then threw what seemed to be a Poke Ball in the direction of Misty and Chris.
>"VOLTORB!"
>
>Suddenly, the Voltorb blew into smoke,
MMK <Voltorb>: I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your Pokemon Center down!
>and Dann and his friends made an exit.
>
>"DAMN YOU!" yelled Misty to Dann and his friends.
MMK <Dann>: That's right, DANN ME!
>
>A bit later, Misty and Chris were chatting at the dinner table after they had cleaned up
>their slight wounds.
>
>"Chris, understand me now. You cannot defeat Dann Zenretsu.
MARK: If you go to Zha'ha'dum, you will die.
>You might be able to defeat
>even Alex, but Dann's power is given to him by a great evil source, possibly greater than
>even Necrosaro himself."
>
>"Jedi Knights?" asked Chris.
[Mass facefault.]
VID: I think my head is melting.
>"Possibly, but he does have that power, but I don't think it's Jedi."
>
MMK: Could be Jei.
TBS: Or Asagiri Kenjutsu.
VID: Please, don't let it be Teras Kasi.
>"What could it be?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know," said Misty. "But I do know that James is investigating this as we speak."
>"WHAT? I thought James was on..." said Chris.
MARK <Misty>: Actually, we don't tell you a lot of things.
>"I don't know, you'd have to ask James himself," said Misty.
>
>"But no one knows where the hell James is!" yelled Chris.
>
TIFF: You can tell it's mature 'cause he swears like a sailor.
MMK: And drinks like a Mick.
TBS: And don't forget, his only words of wisdom were--
GAVOK <hastily>: [RADIO EDIT].
>"Then, my suggestion: Go back to Dino, but don't wear any of those uniforms. Heroes
>Committee heroes are falling by the minute."
MMK <Beowulf Shaeffer>: Perfectly respectable gentlemen took to leaving their hotel windows without their lift belts.
>"I knew something was funny about those," said Chris. "Any information on what Dann and
>company has collected?"
VID <Misty>: Why, yes. I have his pokedex right here.
>"Dino will know," said Misty. "Ask him, and on your next mission, be prepared for
>anything."
TBS <Pikachu>: Pika, pika pi.
MMK <Bulbasaur>: Bulba! Bulbasaur bul.
GAVOK <Charmander>: Charmander char!
MARK <narrator>: The end!
>Chris arrived out of his transporter near the well by Izmit in the World of Dragon Warrior.
GAVOK: ...resting on the backs of four elephants that stood on the back of a giant turtle...
TIFF: ...near Bifrost the rainbow bridge...
TBS: ...along the yellow brick road...
MMK: ...around the old oak tree...
MARK: ...over the hill and over the dale...
VID: ...and over the bourn to Dawlish.
{There's your obligatory classical cultural references. -Mark}
>"This should take care of Dino's suit," said Chris. "I smell trouble with it."
VID: Funny, I usually smell trouble with my nose.
[The sound ofchirping crickets is heard.]
VID: Well...I do.
> Chris then
>took the suit and threw it down the deep, dark, damp well where kids used to play.
GAVOK <singing>: This used to be my playground...this used to be my deep, dark dank hole in the ground...
TBS: A certain woman is angry about that whole set-up.
MARK <Sadako>: Damn pesky kids and their rock music!
>"This once peaceful place is now dangerous," said Chris. "If Dino's plans are sinister,
>then his plans will go to the monsters."
VID: Well, this story is a quack which has gone to the dogs. So?
[This needs a fitting, if horrible, hospital-type pun.]
>Chris then took his boat down the river and proceeded to go towards the Castle of
>Gardenbur, the Castle of Women.
TBS: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Sir Galahad will be played by Chris.
>"I'm not going to get past these guards," said Chris. "Ugh, what do I do?"
>
>"Yo Chris!" yelled a voice over the cell phone.
TIFFA: "Yo Chris!"? That has to be the stupidest ring tone I've ever heard.
MARK: Still better than a Blink 182 song.
TIFFA: True.
>"Who is this?" asked Chris.
>
>"Agent Mana, not a member of Dino's Heroes Committee," said the voice.
>
>"Eric Mana?" asked Chris. "One of James's old buddies?"
>
>"Oh yeah, former member of the Karate Four years ago, like Caliera also was," said the
>voice. "So, you're trying to get into Gardenbur, eh?"
MMK <Chris>: Yeah, I--wait, how did you know?
GAVOK <Eric>: We're psychic, remember?
VID <Eric>: Could you wait a while? We're still setting up the traps.
>"Yeah," said Chris. "They're all women!"
MMK <Mana>: Stay put! It's too perilous!
GAVOK <Chris>: No, let me face the peril!
MMK <Mana>: You shouldn't even know about peril at your age.
GAVOK <Chris>: Just a little peril?
MMK <Mana>: No, it's unhealthy.
GAVOK <Chris>: I bet you're gay.
>"Use your Hockey Stick.
TBS: That's one good way to get oneself into a woman.
VID <to TIFF>: Um, match you for it?
[VID and TIFF play Rock-Paper-Scissors. TIFF wins. A moment of unimaginable violence ensues, after which TIFF krazy-glues TBS back together.]
[Violence, anyone?]
[How's that? -z]
>James put a little surprise in there before he left you the last
>time."
TIFF: If the surprise can't be measured in megatons, I don't care.
MMK <Chris>: It's a... [mimes taking out something] halibut?
>Chris then said in surprise, "C'mon, James wouldn't do that!"
>
>"He put the Staff of Change in there.
MMK: It only cost a couple of quarters.
GAVOK: Ba-dum-bum-CHING!
>You can change your shape to sneak past the guards!"
>
>"COOL," exclaimed Chris. "That'll fool those stupid guards!"
VID: Yeah. All he'd have to do is change himself to look less like a certain fanfic author, and no one would recognize him.
>Chris, after disconnecting Agent Mana,
TIFF: ...in particular, his head from his spine....
>waved his hockey stick. Wa-la, Chris suddenly became
>a beautiful dancer in place of his original self.
>
>"This should be a dandy,"
MARK: "Dandy"? He's crossdressing? Who wrote this, Harvey Feirstein?
> said Chris. "Now, to find Misty."
>
>
>
>"Who goes there?" asked the guard.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio," said Chris. "I wish to enter the all-women's castle of Gardenbur.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio? You're a good dancer all right," the guard said speaking to Chris
>dancing.
[TBS leaps up on to the backs of the chairs in front of the group.]
TBS: That's the cue for the big dance number I have choreographed! Under your seats you'll find diagrams describing your place and actions in the dance!
[All the others stare at him hard. He pulls out a bag.]
TBS: I've got all the costumes in here! Tutus and combat boots for all! C'mon kids! Let's put on a show! We can save Mr. McMurtry's farm with a little elbow grease and Mark's dad's barn! It'll be swe...
[It's uncertain who put their boot to TBS's head first. Some would say TIFF, others would say GAVOK, some would swear up and down that it was Keyzer Soze. No matter who it was, Snotling flew the length of the theatre, bounced off the screen, and landed back in the exact same place he started.]
TBS: Or I could just sit down and shut up! But I'm still wearing this tutu! [weeping] It makes me feel pretty.
>"OK, you can come in. Our queen will be most pleased."
>
>
>
>Chris walked into the castle, and after secretly losing his disguise, headed straight for
>the castle pool.
VID: The Perv is strong in this one.
>"Now what will get Misty's attention?" asked Chris. "Now I remember!
TIFF: Pokemon?
MARK: Mall sales?
TBS: Ash in bondage gear?
>James always labeled
>this one ball he gave me
TIFF <Chris>: ...'My testicle.'
[ALL MALES involuntarily cross their legs as TIFF snickers.]
>'Misty's worst fear'. I wonder what it does..."
MARK: Maybe it releases a batch of Professor Crane's gas?
TBS: Riiight...
MARK: I can hope for something fun, can't I?
>Chris then took the ball, and threw it into the pool. Out came a Caterpie Pokemon!
MMK <Caterpie>: Hey! This isn't Pismo Beach!
[And all the clams we can eat. -z]
>Many of the girls did not notice the Caterpie Pokemon, but one sure did.
>
>"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE BUGS!"
TIFF: My, I'm amazed by the three-dimensional characterizations here...
>"Misty?" asked Chris. "I should've known from our profiles that you hated bugs!"
>
>"YEEEEAH! YOU THREW THAT BUG?!" yelled Misty. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
>
TIFF: Misty -- she doesn't take kindly to having Bug Pokemon thrown at her, and she *doesn't* take Johto Express.
>"I need to..."
>
>"STARMIE, I CHOOSE YOU!" Misty threw out a large Starfish-like Pokemon that looked pretty
>ticked off.
MMK <Starmie>: Keen!
>"OOOOH!" said the Starmie, as it hunted Chris down.
>
>"STARMIE, SWIFT ATTACK!" directed Misty.
TBS <Starmie>: Umm, what's my motivation?
MARK: After which Misty immediately said "Cut!"
> The Starmie then fired hundreds of energy star
>bolts at Chris until he was bruised all over.
ALL: Yay!
>"I hope that teaches you to respect the fact that I don't like bugs," said Misty.
>
>"Well, if you won't talk, then I will. CATERPIE, CRAWL!"
>The Caterpie crawled up Misty's shoulder and started tickling her.
VID: "[PING] Misty: 3 seconds".
>"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Misty. "What do you want?"
>
>"I don't like Pokemon too much, but Dino asked me to get some information on the Starmie
>Pokemon
TIFF: Did he? I must have blinked and missed that.
[I know I did, first time through anyway. -z]
>for the Heroes Committee, and information on Dann Zenretsu."
GAVOK <Chris, valley girl>: Like, what are his likes and dislikes, his fave colors, you know?
TBS <Chris, valley girl>: And does he think I'm cute?
>"DANN Zenretsu?!!!!" yelled Misty.
TIFF: Which was about all she did in this fic so far. Yell, that is.
>"That no-good Filipino bruiser with all of his friends
>bullying Ash and Brock into submission???!!!
MARK: And all this happened since when?
MMK: Last Tuesday.
> I'd do ANYTHING to bring him down,
TBS: ...annnything?
[Weapons are readied.]
TBS: I'll be good.
>but first,
>get rid of the Caterpie, please."
>
>"How do I do that?" asked Chris. "I do not like Pokemon that much."
>
>"Just tell it to RETURN, you idiot!" yelled Misty.
TIFF <Misty>: Hit any key to continue! I don't care which one!
"Can't you figure out ANYTHING
>simple???!!!"
MARK: And here, Misty displays the same winning interpersonal skills that make it clear why Ash kept travelling with her for so long.
TBS: Until Mystaria and Ashura were old enough to make ze wild manque-lurve.
[The grinding of TIFF's teeth is as like unto that of tectonic plates.]
>"CATERPIE, RETURN!" commanded Chris, and the Pokemon returned to its ball.
>
>"STARMIE, RETURN!" Misty returned the favor with her Pokemon.
>
>
>
>"Dann Zenretsu, that no good, sniveling Filipino kid, has been picking on Ash, Brock and me
>since that no-good Necrosaro returned from his grave.
MMK <Zeus>: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE.
>He has been searching out for the
>most powerful Pokemon, even though he admits he hates them himself. Worse, Alex Getney and
>the other two are rampagaing occasionally through Gardenbur, plundering and taking whatever
>they can find," commented Misty.
GAVOK: Mostly ales and whores.
MMK: And cheese.
TBS: And nachos. Can't forget nachos.
>So, Dann's behavior went totally south when Necrosaro arrived?" asked Chris. "I've heard
>the same story over and over again."
>
>"They're after the Pokemon and the legendary Items of Legend," said Misty. "Why I do not
>know."
MMK <Haohmaru>: HA! IT IS BECAUSE THEY HOPE TO BE AS LEGENDARY AS ME, THAT IS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU! BUT ALAS, THEIRS IS A FOREDOOMED ATTEMPT, FOR MINE IS THE WARRIOR'S WAY, THE WANDERING WAY, THE WAY-HEY-HEY...
>"Well, you know that the Items of Legend are the things that can defeat Necrosaro, right?"
>asked Chris.
MARK: Why do I suddenly have this ominous feeling that one of the Items of Legend is going to turn out to be a hockey stick?
TIFF: You too?
>"Yes, that's a very good reason. But why Pokemon also?" asked Misty.
VID: Because you just gotta catch 'em all!
[I oughta be bapped for that one.]
>
>"I know James was experimenting with the monsters," said Chris. "If these four are on a
>mission to destroy James, then that could be why."
>
>"James? The Great Hero?" asked Misty.
[ALL giggle.]
>"Yes," said Chris.
>
>"Then you must be THE LEGENDARY CHRIS!"
VID <Misty>: LEGENDARY CHRIS! Seeker of the legendary Item of Legendary Legends! Legend says that legendary things happen around you legendarily often! I'm legendarily pleased to meet a legendary legend among legends as yourself!
> yelled Misty. "I'm so honored to be around you."
MARK <Misty, wailing>: I just want to bask in your reflected glory! Reflected glory!
>"Cut the flattery," said Chris, "I want to know if Dann Zenretsu and company are still here
>at Gardenbur."
>
>"As far as I know, yes they are!" said Misty. And they're.... RIGHT THERE!"
GAVOK <The Joker>: Made you look!
>Alex Getney was running with what seemed to be a green helmet.
VID <Bill Maher>: You just make stuff up, don't you?
>Alex Getney knocked the
>Starmie flat back in one shot.
>
>"GRRRRRR," yelled Misty.
TBS <Misty>: STUPID CAPS LOCK KEY!
>"I got him Misty," said Chris, as he took out his hockey stick and a puck and suddenly
>fired it at the back of Alex Getney's head, "HOCKEY PUCK!"
>
>Alex was banged,
[TBS opens his mouth.]
TIFF: No.
TBS: But dammit, it's right there on the--!
GAVOK: IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHAT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE SCREEN!
TIFF: Thank you. I think.
>and he dropped like a rock, but Emmanuel was there and caught the
>Zenethian Helmet. Dann also looked on.
>
>"You FIENDS!" yelled Misty. "Give back that helmet, it's the property of the queen!"
>
>"You had your chance to join us, girly!" said Dann. "Now face my psychic power!" Dann used
>his psychic power to put a choke-hold on Misty.
VID <Dann>: [mimes pinching his thumb and index finger and squinting] I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!
>"Get out of that, girly!" cackled Dann. "Stay out of our business."
>
>Chris then charged Dann,
MARK <Chris>: That'll be five bucks.
[TBS does a rimshot.]
>"HOCKEY STICK SLICE!" Dann let go of the psychic hold to dodge
>Chris.
>
>"We're not out for a ten-year old," said Dann.
TBS <Dann>: I mean, who do we look like, Jacko?
>"Let's go, boys! We've already got the
>legendary Moltres and the Zenethian Helmet."
>
>"You're not going anywhere," said Chris.
>
>"That's what you think," said Adam who just walked in. "VOLTORB, SELF-DESTRUCT!"
>
>Adam then threw what seemed to be a Poke Ball in the direction of Misty and Chris.
>"VOLTORB!"
>
>Suddenly, the Voltorb blew into smoke,
MMK <Voltorb>: I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your Pokemon Center down!
>and Dann and his friends made an exit.
>
>"DAMN YOU!" yelled Misty to Dann and his friends.
MMK <Dann>: That's right, DANN ME!
>
>A bit later, Misty and Chris were chatting at the dinner table after they had cleaned up
>their slight wounds.
>
>"Chris, understand me now. You cannot defeat Dann Zenretsu.
MARK: If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die.
>You might be able to defeat
>even Alex, but Dann's power is given to him by a great evil source, possibly greater than
>even Necrosaro himself."
>
>"Jedi Knights?" asked Chris.
[Mass facefault.]
VID: I think my head is melting.
>"Possibly, but he does have that power, but I don't think it's Jedi."
>
MMK: Could be Jei.
TBS: Or Asagiri Kenjutsu.
VID: Please, don't let it be Teras Kasi.
>"What could it be?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know," said Misty. "But I do know that James is investigating this as we speak."
>"WHAT? I thought James was on..." said Chris.
MARK <Misty>: Actually, we don't tell you a lot of things.
>"I don't know, you'd have to ask James himself," said Misty.
>
>"But no one knows where the hell James is!" yelled Chris.
>
TIFF: You can tell it's mature 'cause he swears like a sailor.
MMK: And drinks like a Mick.
TBS: And don't forget, his only words of wisdom were--
GAVOK <hastily>: [RADIO EDIT].
>"Then, my suggestion: Go back to Dino, but don't wear any of those uniforms. Heroes
>Committee heroes are falling by the minute."
MMK <Beowulf Shaeffer>: Perfectly respectable gentlemen took to leaving their hotel windows without their lift belts.
>"I knew something was funny about those," said Chris. "Any information on what Dann and
>company has collected?"
VID <Misty>: Why, yes. I have his pokedex right here.
>"Dino will know," said Misty. "Ask him, and on your next mission, be prepared for
>anything."
TBS <Pikachu>: Pika, pika pi.
MMK <Bulbasaur>: Bulba! Bulbasaur bul.
GAVOK <Charmander>: Charmander char!
MARK <narrator>: The end!
VID: From the people who brought us "Ryooki's Short 'n Fluffy Tale."
>Chris arrived out of his transporter near the well by Izmit in the World of Dragon Warrior.
GAVOK: ...resting on the backs of four elephants that stood on the back of a giant turtle...
TIFF: ...near Bifrost the rainbow bridge...
TBS: ...along the yellow brick road...
MMK: ...around the old oak tree...
MARK: ...over the hill and over the dale...
VID: ...and over the bourn to Dawlish.
{There's your obligatory classical cultural references. -Mark}
>"This should take care of Dino's suit," said Chris. "I smell trouble with it."
VID: Funny, I usually smell trouble with my nose.
[The sound ofchirping crickets is heard.]
VID: Well... I do.
> Chris then
>took the suit and threw it down the deep, dark, damp well where kids used to play.
GAVOK <singing>: This used to be my playground...this used to be my deep, dark dank hole in the ground...
TBS: A certain woman is angry about that whole set-up.
TIFF: I can relate to that.
MARK <Sadako>: Damn pesky kids and their rock music!
>"This once peaceful place is now dangerous," said Chris. "If Dino's plans are sinister,
>then his plans will go to the monsters."
MARK <Sadako>: Have you ever looked at a mirror recently, you twerp?!?
VID: Well, this story is a quack which has gone to the dogs. So?
[This needs a fitting, if horrible, hospital-type pun.]
>Chris then took his boat down the river and proceeded to go towards the Castle of
>Gardenbur, the Castle of Women.
TBS: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Sir Galahad will be played by Chris.
>"I'm not going to get past these guards," said Chris. "Ugh, what do I do?"
>
GAVOK: Disguise youself in drag. Crosdressing always works. Cloud, for instance.
MARK: Too well, in that case.
>"Yo Chris!" yelled a voice over the cell phone.
TIFFA: "Yo Chris!"? That has to be the stupidest ring tone I've ever heard.
MARK: Still better than a Blink 182 song.
TIFFA: True.
>"Who is this?" asked Chris.
>
>"Agent Mana, not a member of Dino's Heroes Committee," said the voice.
>
MMK <Eric>: I don't have any evil plans.
>"Eric Mana?" asked Chris. "One of James's old buddies?"
>
>"Oh yeah, former member of the Karate Four years ago, like Caliera also was," said the
>voice. "So, you're trying to get into Gardenbur, eh?"
MMK <Chris>: Yeah, I--wait, how did you know?
GAVOK <Eric>: We're psychic, remember?
VID <Eric>: Could you wait a while? We're still setting up the traps.
>"Yeah," said Chris. "They're all women!"
MMK <Mana>: Stay put! It's too perilous!
GAVOK <Chris>: No, let me face the peril!
MMK <Mana>: You shouldn't even know about peril at your age.
GAVOK <Chris>: Just a little peril?
MMK <Mana>: No, it's unhealthy.
GAVOK <Chris>: I bet you're gay.
>"Use your Hockey Stick.
TBS: That's one good way to get oneself into a woman.
VID <to TIFF>: Um, match you for it?
[VID and TIFF play Rock-Paper-Scissors. TIFF wins. A moment of unimaginable violence ensues, after which TIFF krazy-glues TBS back together.]
TBS: Ow... Not... My... Fault...
[Violence, anyone?]
[How's that? -z]
>James put a little surprise in there before he left you the last
>time."
TIFF: If the surprise can't be measured in megatons, I don't care.
MMK <Chris>: It's a... [mimes taking out something] halibut?
>Chris then said in surprise, "C'mon, James wouldn't do that!"
>
>"He put the Staff of Change in there.
MMK: It only cost a couple of quarters.
GAVOK: Ba-dum-bum-CHING!
>You can change your shape to sneak past the guards!"
>
GAVOK: Called it.
MARK: Well, close enough.
>"COOL," exclaimed Chris. "That'll fool those stupid guards!"
VID: Yeah. All he'd have to do is change himself to look less like a certain fanfic author, and no one would recognize him.
>Chris, after disconnecting Agent Mana,
TIFF: ...in particular, his head from his spine....
>waved his hockey stick. Wa-la, Chris suddenly became
>a beautiful dancer in place of his original self.
>
>"This should be a dandy,"
MARK: "Dandy"? He's crossdressing? Who wrote this, Harvey Feirstein?
> said Chris. "Now, to find Misty."
>
>
>
>"Who goes there?" asked the guard.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio," said Chris. "I wish to enter the all-women's castle of Gardenbur.
>
>"Christina DeCapnio? You're a good dancer all right," the guard said speaking to Chris
>dancing.
[TBS leaps up on to the backs of the chairs in front of the group.]
TBS: That's the cue for the big dance number I have choreographed! Under your seats you'll find diagrams describing your place and actions in the dance!
[All the others stare at him hard. He pulls out a bag.]
TBS: I've got all the costumes in here! Tutus and combat boots for all! C'mon kids! Let's put on a show! We can save Mr. McMurtry's farm with a little elbow grease and Mark's dad's barn! It'll be swe...
[It's uncertain who put their boot to TBS's head first. Some would say TIFF, others would say GAVOK, some would swear up and down that it was Keyzer Soze. No matter who it was, Snotling flew the length of the theatre, bounced off the screen, and landed back in the exact same place he started.]
TBS: Or I could just sit down and shut up! But I'm still wearing this tutu! [weeping] It makes me feel pretty.
>"OK, you can come in. Our queen will be most pleased."
>
>
>
>Chris walked into the castle, and after secretly losing his disguise, headed straight for
>the castle pool.
VID: The Perv is strong in this one.
>"Now what will get Misty's attention?" asked Chris. "Now I remember!
TIFF: Pokemon?
MARK: Mall sales?
TBS: Ash in bondage gear?
>James always labeled
>this one ball he gave me
TIFF <Chris>: ...'My testicle.'
[ALL MALES involuntarily cross their legs as TIFF snickers.]
>'Misty's worst fear'. I wonder what it does..."
MARK: Maybe it releases a batch of Professor Crane's gas?
TBS: Riiight...
MARK: I can hope for something fun, can't I?
>Chris then took the ball, and threw it into the pool. Out came a Caterpie Pokemon!
MMK <Caterpie>: Hey! This isn't Pismo Beach!
[And all the clams we can eat. -z]
>Many of the girls did not notice the Caterpie Pokemon, but one sure did.
>
>"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE BUGS!"
TIFF: My, I'm amazed by the three-dimensional characterizations here...
>"Misty?" asked Chris. "I should've known from our profiles that you hated bugs!"
>
>"YEEEEAH! YOU THREW THAT BUG?!" yelled Misty. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
>
TIFF: Misty -- she doesn't take kindly to having Bug Pokemon thrown at her, and she *doesn't* take Johto Express.
>"I need to..."
>
>"STARMIE, I CHOOSE YOU!" Misty threw out a large Starfish-like Pokemon that looked pretty
>ticked off.
MMK <Starmie>: Keen!
>"OOOOH!" said the Starmie, as it hunted Chris down.
>
>"STARMIE, SWIFT ATTACK!" directed Misty.
TBS <Starmie>: Umm, what's my motivation?
MARK: After which Misty immediately said "Cut!"
> The Starmie then fired hundreds of energy star
>bolts at Chris until he was bruised all over.
ALL: Yay!
>"I hope that teaches you to respect the fact that I don't like bugs," said Misty.
>
>"Well, if you won't talk, then I will. CATERPIE, CRAWL!"
>The Caterpie crawled up Misty's shoulder and started tickling her.
VID: "[PING] Misty: 3 seconds".
>"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Misty. "What do you want?"
>
>"I don't like Pokemon too much, but Dino asked me to get some information on the Starmie
>Pokemon
TIFF: Did he? I must have blinked and missed that.
[I know I did, first time through anyway. -z]
>for the Heroes Committee, and information on Dann Zenretsu."
GAVOK <Chris, valley girl>: Like, what are his likes and dislikes, his fave colors, you know?
TBS <Chris, valley girl>: And does he think I'm cute?
>"DANN Zenretsu?!!!!" yelled Misty.
TIFF: Which was about all she did in this fic so far. Yell, that is.
>"That no-good Filipino bruiser with all of his friends
>bullying Ash and Brock into submission???!!!
MARK: And all this happened since when?
MMK: Last Tuesday.
> I'd do ANYTHING to bring him down,
TBS: ...annnything?
[Weapons are readied.]
TBS: I'll be good.
>but first,
>get rid of the Caterpie, please."
>
>"How do I do that?" asked Chris. "I do not like Pokemon that much."
>
>"Just tell it to RETURN, you idiot!" yelled Misty.
TIFF <Misty>: Hit any key to continue! I don't care which one!
"Can't you figure out ANYTHING
>simple???!!!"
MARK: And here, Misty displays the same winning interpersonal skills that make it clear why Ash kept travelling with her for so long.
TBS: Until Mystaria and Ashura were old enough to make ze wild manque-lurve.
[The grinding of TIFF's teeth is as like unto that of tectonic plates.]
>"CATERPIE, RETURN!" commanded Chris, and the Pokemon returned to its ball.
>
>"STARMIE, RETURN!" Misty returned the favor with her Pokemon.
>
>
>
>"Dann Zenretsu, that no good, sniveling Filipino kid, has been picking on Ash, Brock and me
>since that no-good Necrosaro returned from his grave.
MMK <Zeus>: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE.
>He has been searching out for the
>most powerful Pokemon, even though he admits he hates them himself. Worse, Alex Getney and
>the other two are rampagaing occasionally through Gardenbur, plundering and taking whatever
>they can find," commented Misty.
GAVOK: Mostly ales and whores.
MMK: And cheese.
TBS: And nachos. Can't forget nachos.
>So, Dann's behavior went totally south when Necrosaro arrived?" asked Chris. "I've heard
>the same story over and over again."
>
>"They're after the Pokemon and the legendary Items of Legend," said Misty. "Why I do not
>know."
MMK <Haohmaru>: HA! IT IS BECAUSE THEY HOPE TO BE AS LEGENDARY AS ME, THAT IS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU! BUT ALAS, THEIRS IS A FOREDOOMED ATTEMPT, FOR MINE IS THE WARRIOR'S WAY, THE WANDERING WAY, THE WAY-HEY-HEY...
>"Well, you know that the Items of Legend are the things that can defeat Necrosaro, right?"
>asked Chris.
MARK: Why do I suddenly have this ominous feeling that one of the Items of Legend is going to turn out to be a hockey stick?
TIFF: You too?
VID: That makes all of us.
>"Yes, that's a very good reason. But why Pokemon also?" asked Misty.
VID: Because you just gotta catch 'em all!
[I oughta be bapped for that one.]
>
>"I know James was experimenting with the monsters," said Chris. "If these four are on a
>mission to destroy James, then that could be why."
>
>"James? The Great Hero?" asked Misty.
[ALL giggle.]
>"Yes," said Chris.
>
>"Then you must be THE LEGENDARY CHRIS!"
VID <Misty>: LEGENDARY CHRIS! Seeker of the legendary Item of Legendary Legends! Legend says that legendary things happen around you legendarily often! I'm legendarily pleased to meet a legendary legend among legends as yourself!
> yelled Misty. "I'm so honored to be around you."
MARK <Misty, wailing>: I just want to bask in your reflected glory! Reflected glory!
>"Cut the flattery," said Chris, "I want to know if Dann Zenretsu and company are still here
>at Gardenbur."
>
>"As far as I know, yes they are!" said Misty. And they're.... RIGHT THERE!"
GAVOK <The Joker>: Made you look!
>Alex Getney was running with what seemed to be a green helmet.
VID <Bill Maher>: You just make stuff up, don't you?
>Alex Getney knocked the
>Starmie flat back in one shot.
>
>"GRRRRRR," yelled Misty.
TBS <Misty>: STUPID CAPS LOCK KEY!
>"I got him Misty," said Chris, as he took out his hockey stick and a puck and suddenly
>fired it at the back of Alex Getney's head, "HOCKEY PUCK!"
>
>Alex was banged,
[TBS opens his mouth.]
TIFF: No.
TBS: But dammit, it's right there on the--!
GAVOK: IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHAT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE SCREEN!
TIFF: Thank you. I think.
>and he dropped like a rock, but Emmanuel was there and caught the
>Zenethian Helmet. Dann also looked on.
>
>"You FIENDS!" yelled Misty. "Give back that helmet, it's the property of the queen!"
>
>"You had your chance to join us, girly!" said Dann. "Now face my psychic power!" Dann used
>his psychic power to put a choke-hold on Misty.
VID <Dann>: [mimes pinching his thumb and index finger and squinting] I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!
>"Get out of that, girly!" cackled Dann. "Stay out of our business."
>
>Chris then charged Dann,
MARK <Chris>: That'll be five bucks.
[TBS does a rimshot.]
>"HOCKEY STICK SLICE!" Dann let go of the psychic hold to dodge
>Chris.
>
>"We're not out for a ten-year old," said Dann.
TBS <Dann>: I mean, who do we look like, Jacko?
>"Let's go, boys! We've already got the
>legendary Moltres and the Zenethian Helmet."
>
>"You're not going anywhere," said Chris.
>
>"That's what you think," said Adam who just walked in. "VOLTORB, SELF-DESTRUCT!"
>
>Adam then threw what seemed to be a Poke Ball in the direction of Misty and Chris.
>"VOLTORB!"
>
MARK: Satoshi, in a cameo role.
>Suddenly, the Voltorb blew into smoke,
MMK <Voltorb>: I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your Pokemon Center down!
>and Dann and his friends made an exit.
>
>"DAMN YOU!" yelled Misty to Dann and his friends.
MMK <Dann>: That's right, DANN ME!
>
>A bit later, Misty and Chris were chatting at the dinner table after they had cleaned up
>their slight wounds.
>
>"Chris, understand me now. You cannot defeat Dann Zenretsu.
MARK: If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die.
>You might be able to defeat
>even Alex, but Dann's power is given to him by a great evil source, possibly greater than
>even Necrosaro himself."
>
>"Jedi Knights?" asked Chris.
[Mass facefault.]
VID: I think my head is melting.
>"Possibly, but he does have that power, but I don't think it's Jedi."
>
MMK: Could be Jei.
TBS: Or Asagiri Kenjutsu.
VID: Please, don't let it be Teras Kasi.
>"What could it be?" asked Chris.
>
>"I don't know," said Misty. "But I do know that James is investigating this as we speak."
>"WHAT? I thought James was on..." said Chris.
MARK <Misty>: Actually, we don't tell you a lot of things.
>"I don't know, you'd have to ask James himself," said Misty.
>
>"But no one knows where the hell James is!" yelled Chris.
>
TIFF: You can tell it's mature 'cause he swears like a sailor.
MMK: And drinks like a Mick.
TBS: And don't forget, his only words of wisdom were--
GAVOK <hastily>: [RADIO EDIT].
>"Then, my suggestion: Go back to Dino, but don't wear any of those uniforms. Heroes
>Committee heroes are falling by the minute."
MMK <Beowulf Shaeffer>: Perfectly respectable gentlemen took to leaving their hotel windows without their lift belts.
>"I knew something was funny about those," said Chris. "Any information on what Dann and
>company has collected?"
VID <Misty>: Why, yes. I have his pokedex right here.
>"Dino will know," said Misty. "Ask him, and on your next mission, be prepared for
>anything."
TBS <Chris>: Does being sent into a private island resort while having to wear nothing more than a string bikini count?
GAVOK <Misty>: ...Well, almost anything.
I'm just writing this to give you guys a heads up; the website on dimfuture.net is showing a 404 error. I don't know whether you all know about it; this all makes me very sad since I really do adore your work. Out of the myriad MST websites out there, you guys have to rank as one of the best, if not the best. It's sad that your work is no longer available on one site. Anyway, I've rambled enough; you will reply if there's another website that y'all have found, won't you? Take care and keep up the wonderful work!
Well, this looks like a lovely bar to get thrown out of....
by TMP
Just wondering...I was sorta observant of the fun, or lack thereof, on the other ballad, and figured I'd wander over to this clambake.
Wanted to see if I can get it on the hot babes, cool beer, and total maximum awesomeness you seem to have over here. It's like an episode of Fastlane, except it's not total crap.
At the very least, can I apply for the position of MOT Guest Rapper...I'm really good at standing around, wearing team apparel, and saying "Yeah." and "Uh-huh." off the beat. I'll even have my driver take the heat if Wanderer shoots anyone.
Since you guys seem to have personas, here's mine.
TMP (The Mystery Poster) - Nobody seems to know him. This isn't because of his secrecy, but rather that he's completely forgettable. In fact, people often forget who he is while talking to him. He is the most exceedingly (in fact, even grammar left him behind...) generic superhero of all times. Black hat, black mask, black cape, black slacks, white shirt, white teeth. Not even his menacing attitude is convincing. He was assigned Omaha, Nebraska as his superhero territory. He spent many years making Omaha the safe, secure, bland midwestern territory it has become. Well, actually, it was bland, safe, and secure before he got there, and he spent most of his time fighting to keep himself employed. Having decided that Omaha has been made so safe that nobody will dare encroach, he left to seek a legacy, fame, and fortune. Upon his departure, it was oft heard in the hills and wheat fields and...ummm...places where there aren't hills and wheat fields... "The Mystery Poster? Who?"
The Mystery Poster makes a fantastic foil, as while he's not stupid, he's awe-inspiringly midline - it's like Elvis's EKG. Yesterday. Most sex-jokes, obscure comments, and Loon activities will probably go over his head, although he does have a joke in those categories from time to time. He does have a tendency to miss the boat, so puns and misinterpretations would probably be his best stuff. His primary hero powers are preening, failing at critical moments, and throwing random items which make no sense as weapons, but just happen to slay the villain.
> (Snake calls the Colonel on the codec.)
>
> Snake : Naomi! The chief! What happened?
>
> Naomi : I... I don't know. It looked like a heart attack but...
>
> Campbell : A heart attack? No...
>
> Snake : ...Colonel, are you hiding something from me?
>
> Campbell : Absolutely not. Snake, you've got to understand. This op is
> security level Red. You need the highest security clearance to
> get access to the complete file.
>
> Snake : You want me to believe that you are in charge of this op, but
> you don't have access to the complete file!?
>
> Campbell : I told you. The Secretary of Defense is in operational control.
> I'm just here as your support.
>
> Snake : ........
>
> Campbell : Snake, we don't have time to debate. get out of there and find
> President Baker!
>
> (The door to the woman's cell is opened and a struggle is heard. After
> a moment it stops and somebody opens Snake's door. He looks out and
> sees the guard naked on the floor, unconscious. Snake is held up by
> somebody disguised in an enemy uniform. It is the woman from the cell.)
>
> Woman : Don't move! So you killed the Chief. You bastard!
>
> (Snake turns around to face the woman.)
>
> Woman : Liquid!? No... you're not.
>
> (Snake makes a sudden movement, he startles the woman.)
>
> Woman : Don't move!
>
> (Her hands are shaking. Snake notices this.)
>
> Snake : Is this the first time you've ever pointed a gun at a person? Your
> hands are shaking.
>
> Woman : !!!
>
> (Snake grabs her gun and points it at her. She reacts quickly and grabs it
> back. Snake grabs the barrel of her gun and pulls it to his forehead.)
>
> Snake : Can you shoot me, rookie?
>
> Woman : Careful, I'm no rookie!!
>
> Snake : Liar. Your eyes wander. There's no confidence in them. The eyes of
> a rookie You've never shot a person, have you?
>
> Woman : You talk too much.
>
> Snake : You haven't even taken the safety off, rookie.
>
> Woman : I told you I'm no rookie!!!
>
> (Enemy soldiers are waiting outside the door listening to this, waiting
> to come in.)
>
> Snake : You're not one of them are you?
>
> (One of the soldiers motions to the others to make their move. They
> nod in agreement.)
>
> Woman : Open that door! You've got a card don't you!?
>
> Snake : Why?
>
> Woman : So we can get the hell out of here.
>
> (The door opens and the guards rush in.)
>
> Snake : Looks like we'll be a little delayed. What are you doing!? Don't
> think! Shoot!
>
> (They battle the guards and defeat them. The woman from the cell runs
> out of the room.)
>
> Woman : Thanks for the help.
>
> Snake : Wait!
>
> (She makes a bee-line for the elevator. Snake is looking at her butt. As soon
> as she reaches to the doors of the elevator, she turns, and a mysterious man
> appears floating behind her in a flash. The screen dissolves into static...)
>
> First man : You fool! You've killed him!!
>
> Second man : I'm sorry, Sir.
>
> (A third man speaks, his voice is distorted, as if speaking through a
> gas-mask.)
>
> Third man : ...His mental shielding was very strong. I could not dive
> into his mind.
>
> First man : Now we'll never get that detonation code...
>
> Third man : Boss, I have a good idea.
>
> (The third man stares at the first one. The first one stares back, and both
> look behind them to see the arm of a woman with a tattoo briefly as the scene
> all fades into noise. We see Snake mysteriously gazing into space, as if he'd
> see a ghost. The woman in cocks her rifle sideways...)
>
> Snake : Hmm?
>
> (She begins to fire at him. Snake quickly dodges back into the cell room as
> he sees her firing in a circular pattern. The elevator doors open and she
> enters, taking off her headgear as the doors close in front of her. We can see
> it is a girl. Snake leaps out of the corner with his Socom aiming at the
> elevator, but the doors have already doors closed in front of him. Too late.
> Snake suddenly hears breathing, and the floating man briefly appears behind
> him for a split second. Snake turns around to find nobody there, but then the
> man appears back near the elevator doors. Snake now sees him and is puzzled.
> He sounds like the third man from the last scene.)
>
> Third man : Good girl. Just like that...
>
> (The man disappears just a abruptly as he came. Snake is now very confused.
> He calls up Naomi on the Codec.)
>
> Snake : Naomi, I just had some kind of hallucination. Is it from the
> nanomachines?
>
> Naomi : No, Snake. The nanomachines are functioning properly.
>
> Snake : So what was it?
>
> Naomi : It must have been psychometric interference coming from Psycho
> Mantis. FOX-HOUND's psychic. Think of it as a mental feedback
> loop.
>
> Snake : So that was Mantis...?
>
> (Snake finds President Baker tied to a concrete support beam on level B2. He
> walks over to him.)
>
> Snake : Am I too late?
>
> (Baker coughs up blood.)
>
> Snake : He's alive. You're the ArmsTech president Kenneth Baker, right?
> Don't worry, I'm here to save you.
>
> (Snake reaches out to touch the old man.)
>
> Baker : Noooo! Don't touch it...
>
> (Snake retracts his hand quickly as he sees C4 attached to wires
> surrounding the president.)
>
> Snake : C4!
>
> (A gun is cocked somewhere in the back of the room and a shot is fired.
> Snake jumps up into the air and the bullet flys beneath him.)
>
> Ocelot : Right. Touch that wire and the C4 will blow up along with the
> old man! So you're the one the Boss keeps talking about.
>
> Snake : And you?
>
> Ocelot : Special Operations FOX-HOUND.
>
> (The man twirls a revolver in his hand.)
>
> Ocelot : Revolver...
>
> (More gun-action.)
>
> Ocelot : ...Ocelot.
>
> (Ocelot holsters his gun.)
>
> Ocelot : I've been waiting for you, Solid Snake. Now we'll see if the man
> can live up to the legend!
> (Snake calls the Colonel on the codec.)
>
> Snake : Naomi! The chief! What happened?
>
> Naomi : I... I don't know. It looked like a heart attack but...
>
> Campbell : A heart attack? No...
>
> Snake : ...Colonel, are you hiding something from me?
WAND <Colonel>: Yes.
VIPER <Snake>: All *right*, then.
>
> Campbell : Absolutely not. Snake, you've got to understand. This op is
> security level Red. You need the highest security clearance to
> get access to the complete file.
>
> Snake : You want me to believe that you are in charge of this op, but
> you don't have access to the complete file!?
>
> Campbell : I told you. The Secretary of Defense is in operational control.
> I'm just here as your support.
>
> Snake : ........
ALL <Squall Leonhart, deadpan>: Whatever.
>
> Campbell : Snake, we don't have time to debate. get out of there and find
> President Baker!
>
> (The door to the woman's cell is opened and a struggle is heard. After
> a moment it stops and somebody opens Snake's door. He looks out and
> sees the guard naked on the floor, unconscious. Snake is held up by
> somebody disguised in an enemy uniform. It is the woman from the cell.)
MMK <Snake>: ...that guy over there is naked.
ZEMLYA <Woman>: I know. I had to knock him out so I could escape and disguise myself so I can't get caught.
MMK <Snake>: Why'd you take his briefs off?
[A long, uncomfortable silence follows. ]
MMK <Snake>: ...l-lady...why'd you take his briefs o-
ZEMLYA <Woman>: -it's my first day, okay!?
[This could end much better, but I can't think of anything... -V]
>
> Woman : Don't move! So you killed the Chief. You bastard!
>
> (Snake turns around to face the woman.)
>
> Woman : Liquid!? No... you're not.
>
> (Snake makes a sudden movement, he startles the woman.)
>
> Woman : Don't move!
>
> (Her hands are shaking. Snake notices this.)
>
> Snake : Is this the first time you've ever pointed a gun at a person? Your
> hands are shaking.
>
> Woman : !!!
>
> (Snake grabs her gun and points it at her. She reacts quickly and grabs it
> back. Snake grabs the barrel of her gun and pulls it to his forehead.)
>
> Snake : Can you shoot me, rookie?
VIPER <Woman>: At this range? Not sure...
>
> Woman : Careful, I'm no rookie!!
>
> Snake : Liar. Your eyes wander. There's no confidence in them. The eyes of
> a rookie You've never shot a person, have you?
>
> Woman : You talk too much.
>
> Snake : You haven't even taken the safety off, rookie.
>
> Woman : I told you I'm no rookie!!!
>
> (Enemy soldiers are waiting outside the door listening to this, waiting
> to come in.)
[MMK, TBS and GAVOK all mime putting their ears up to a door.]
MMK <soldier, whispering>: Ooooooh, he is in sooooo much trouble...
[TBS and GAVOK snicker like little girls. MMK <Soldier> weakly hits them.]
MMK <soldier, whispering and snickering>: Shhhhh! Shut up, shut *uuuuup*!
>
> Snake : You're not one of them are you?
>
> (One of the soldiers motions to the others to make their move. They
> nod in agreement.)
>
> Woman : Open that door! You've got a card don't you!?
>
> Snake : Why?
>
> Woman : So we can get the hell out of here.
>
> (The door opens and the guards rush in.)
VIPER <Soldier, singing>: I'm tellin' all y'all, it's a-
[VIPER and ZEMLYA <soldiers> jump through an imaginary door in bizarre poses.]
VIPER, ZEMLYA <soldiers>: -SABOTAAAaaaa...gurk...
[WAND is holding both VIPER and ZEMLYA by their throats.]
WAND <deadpan>: Sit. Down.
[He drops them both back into their seats, then returns to his.]
>
> Snake : Looks like we'll be a little delayed. What are you doing!? Don't
> think! Shoot!
>
> (They battle the guards and defeat them. The woman from the cell runs
> out of the room.)
>
> Woman : Thanks for the help.
>
> Snake : Wait!
TBS <Snake>: Wait a minute! She nicked my wine gums!
>
> (She makes a bee-line for the elevator. Snake is looking at her butt. As soon
> as she reaches to the doors of the elevator, she turns, and a mysterious man
> appears floating behind her in a flash. The screen dissolves into static...)
>
> First man : You fool! You've killed him!!
>
> Second man : I'm sorry, Sir.
>
> (A third man speaks, his voice is distorted, as if speaking through a
> gas-mask.)
>
> Third man : ...His mental shielding was very strong. I could not dive
> into his mind.
>
> First man : Now we'll never get that detonation code...
>
> Third man : Boss, I have a good idea.
>
> (The third man stares at the first one. The first one stares back, and both
> look behind them to see the arm of a woman with a tattoo briefly as the scene
> all fades into noise. We see Snake mysteriously gazing into space, as if he'd
> see a ghost. The woman in cocks her rifle sideways...)
VIPER: Cheeky.
>
> Snake : Hmm?
>
> (She begins to fire at him. Snake quickly dodges back into the cell room as
> he sees her firing in a circular pattern. The elevator doors open and she
> enters, taking off her headgear as the doors close in front of her. We can see
> it is a girl. Snake leaps out of the corner with his Socom aiming at the
> elevator, but the doors have already doors closed in front of him. Too late.
> Snake suddenly hears breathing, and the floating man briefly appears behind
> him for a split second. Snake turns around to find nobody there, but then the
> man appears back near the elevator doors. Snake now sees him and is puzzled.
> He sounds like the third man from the last scene.)
>
> Third man : Good girl. Just like that...
>
> (The man disappears just a abruptly as he came. Snake is now very confused.
> He calls up Naomi on the Codec.)
>
> Snake : Naomi, I just had some kind of hallucination. Is it from the
> nanomachines?
>
> Naomi : No, Snake. The nanomachines are functioning properly.
>
> Snake : So what was it?
VIPER <Naomi>: Interference from a phone sex line.
>
> Naomi : It must have been psychometric interference coming from Psycho
> Mantis. FOX-HOUND's psychic. Think of it as a mental feedback
> loop.
>
> Snake : So that was Mantis...?
>
> (Snake finds President Baker tied to a concrete support beam on level B2. He
> walks over to him.)
>
> Snake : Am I too late?
>
> (Baker coughs up blood.)
>
> Snake : He's alive. You're the ArmsTech president Kenneth Baker, right?
> Don't worry, I'm here to save you.
>
> (Snake reaches out to touch the old man.)
>
> Baker : Noooo! Don't touch it...
MMK <Snake, hysterical>: Why? Why are you afraid of our love!? Is it because you think I'm UGLY!? Am I FATTER than the other girls!? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!
[MMK <Snake> jumps out of his seat, tears streaming down his face.]
MMK <Snake>: WHY!? WHY MUST YOU TURN THIS PLACE INTO A HOUSE OF *LIES*!?
[MMK <Snake> runs around the theatre, wailing like a banshee.]
VIPER <watching MMK>: Such a nice guy... [^_^s]
ZEMLYA: [nudges WAND] He...does this a lot?
WAND <still looking forward>: *All* the *time*.
>
> (Snake retracts his hand quickly as he sees C4 attached to wires
> surrounding the president.)
>
> Snake : C4!
>
> (A gun is cocked somewhere in the back of the room and a shot is fired.
> Snake jumps up into the air and the bullet flys beneath him.)
>
> Ocelot : Right. Touch that wire and the C4 will blow up along with the
> old man! So you're the one the Boss keeps talking about.
>
> Snake : And you?
>
> Ocelot : Special Operations FOX-HOUND.
WAND <Ocelot>: ...and you...are levitating.
VIPER <Snake>: Sorry. My bad.
>
> (The man twirls a revolver in his hand.)
>
> Ocelot : Revolver...
>
> (More gun-action.)
>
> Ocelot : ...Ocelot.
>
> (Ocelot holsters his gun.)
>
> Ocelot : I've been waiting for you, Solid Snake. Now we'll see if the man
> can live up to the legend!
> (Snake calls the Colonel on the codec.)
>
> Snake : Naomi! The chief! What happened?
>
> Naomi : I... I don't know. It looked like a heart attack but...
>
> Campbell : A heart attack? No...
>
> Snake : ...Colonel, are you hiding something from me?
WAND <Colonel>: Yes.
VIPER <Snake>: All *right*, then.
>
> Campbell : Absolutely not. Snake, you've got to understand. This op is
> security level Red. You need the highest security clearance to
> get access to the complete file.
>
> Snake : You want me to believe that you are in charge of this op, but
> you don't have access to the complete file!?
>
> Campbell : I told you. The Secretary of Defense is in operational control.
> I'm just here as your support.
>
> Snake : ........
ALL <Squall Leonhart, deadpan>: Whatever.
>
> Campbell : Snake, we don't have time to debate. get out of there and find
> President Baker!
>
> (The door to the woman's cell is opened and a struggle is heard. After
> a moment it stops and somebody opens Snake's door. He looks out and
> sees the guard naked on the floor, unconscious. Snake is held up by
> somebody disguised in an enemy uniform. It is the woman from the cell.)
MMK <Snake>: ...that guy over there is naked.
ZEMLYA <Woman>: I know. I had to knock him out so I could escape and disguise myself so I can't get caught.
MMK <Snake>: Why'd you take his briefs off?
[A long, uncomfortable silence follows. ]
MMK <Snake>: ...l-lady...why'd you take his briefs o-
ZEMLYA <Woman>: -it's my first day, okay!?
[This could end much better, but I can't think of anything... -V]
>
> Woman : Don't move! So you killed the Chief. You bastard!
>
> (Snake turns around to face the woman.)
>
> Woman : Liquid!? No... you're not.
>
> (Snake makes a sudden movement, he startles the woman.)
>
> Woman : Don't move!
>
> (Her hands are shaking. Snake notices this.)
>
> Snake : Is this the first time you've ever pointed a gun at a person? Your
> hands are shaking.
>
> Woman : !!!
>
> (Snake grabs her gun and points it at her. She reacts quickly and grabs it
> back. Snake grabs the barrel of her gun and pulls it to his forehead.)
>
> Snake : Can you shoot me, rookie?
VIPER <Woman>: At this range? Not sure...
>
> Woman : Careful, I'm no rookie!!
>
> Snake : Liar. Your eyes wander. There's no confidence in them. The eyes of
> a rookie You've never shot a person, have you?
>
> Woman : You talk too much.
>
> Snake : You haven't even taken the safety off, rookie.
>
> Woman : I told you I'm no rookie!!!
>
> (Enemy soldiers are waiting outside the door listening to this, waiting
> to come in.)
[MMK, TBS and GAVOK all mime putting their ears up to a door.]
MMK <soldier, whispering>: Ooooooh, he is in sooooo much trouble...
[TBS and GAVOK snicker like little girls. MMK <Soldier> weakly hits them.]
MMK <soldier, whispering and snickering>: Shhhhh! Shut up, shut *uuuuup*!
>
> Snake : You're not one of them are you?
>
> (One of the soldiers motions to the others to make their move. They
> nod in agreement.)
>
> Woman : Open that door! You've got a card don't you!?
>
> Snake : Why?
>
> Woman : So we can get the hell out of here.
>
> (The door opens and the guards rush in.)
VIPER <Soldier, singing>: I'm tellin' all y'all, it's a-
[VIPER and ZEMLYA <soldiers> jump through an imaginary door in bizarre poses.]
VIPER, ZEMLYA <soldiers>: -SABOTAAAaaaa...gurk...
[WAND is holding both VIPER and ZEMLYA by their throats.]
WAND <deadpan>: Sit. Down.
[He drops them both back into their seats, then returns to his.]
>
> Snake : Looks like we'll be a little delayed. What are you doing!? Don't
> think! Shoot!
WAND: I can't, I botched my initiative check.
> (They battle the guards and defeat them. The woman from the cell runs
> out of the room.)
>
> Woman : Thanks for the help.
>
> Snake : Wait!
TBS <Snake>: Wait a minute! She nicked my wine gums!
>
> (She makes a bee-line for the elevator. Snake is looking at her butt.
> As soon
> as she reaches to the doors of the elevator, she turns, and a mysterious > man appears floating behind her in a flash. The screen dissolves into > static...)
>
> First man : You fool! You've killed him!!
>
> Second man : I'm sorry, Sir.
>
> (A third man speaks, his voice is distorted, as if speaking through a
> gas-mask.)
>
> Third man : ...His mental shielding was very strong. I could not dive
> into his mind.
>
> First man : Now we'll never get that detonation code...
>
> Third man : Boss, I have a good idea.
MMK <Liquid>: Well, okay, but this one had better not involve you painting me like a doll and forcing me to sing "I Love Being A Girl" again.
> (The third man stares at the first one. The first one stares back, and both
> look behind them to see the arm of a woman with a tattoo briefly as the >scene all fades into noise. We see Snake mysteriously gazing into space, as > if he'd see a ghost. The woman in cocks her rifle sideways...)
VIPER: Cheeky.
>
> Snake : Hmm?
>
> (She begins to fire at him. Snake quickly dodges back into the cell room as
> he sees her firing in a circular pattern. The elevator doors open and she
> enters, taking off her headgear as the doors close in front of her. We can > see it is a girl. Snake leaps out of the corner with his Socom aiming at >the elevator, but the doors have already doors closed in front of him. Too >late.
> Snake suddenly hears breathing, and the floating man briefly appears behind
> him for a split second. Snake turns around to find nobody there, but then > the man appears back near the elevator doors. Snake now sees him and is >puzzled. He sounds like the third man from the last scene.)
>
> Third man : Good girl. Just like that...
TBS: [opens mouth]
[The sound of the Fuerstenberg cocking reverberates through the theater.]
Nick <over intercom>: No.
TBS: [closes mouth]
> (The man disappears just a abruptly as he came. Snake is now very confused.
> He calls up Naomi on the Codec.)
>
> Snake : Naomi, I just had some kind of hallucination. Is it from the
> nanomachines?
>
> Naomi : No, Snake. The nanomachines are functioning properly.
>
> Snake : So what was it?
VIPER <Naomi>: Interference from a phone sex line.
>
> Naomi : It must have been psychometric interference coming from Psycho
> Mantis. FOX-HOUND's psychic. Think of it as a mental feedback
> loop.
>
> Snake : So that was Mantis...?
>
> (Snake finds President Baker tied to a concrete support beam on level B2. He
> walks over to him.)
>
> Snake : Am I too late?
>
> (Baker coughs up blood.)
WAND: Hey! These shoes are brand new!
> Snake : He's alive. You're the ArmsTech president Kenneth Baker, right?
> Don't worry, I'm here to save you.
>
> (Snake reaches out to touch the old man.)
>
> Baker : Noooo! Don't touch it...
MMK <Snake, hysterical>: Why? Why are you afraid of our love!? Is it because you think I'm UGLY!? Am I FATTER than the other girls!? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!
[MMK <Snake> jumps out of his seat, tears streaming down his face.]
MMK <Snake>: WHY!? WHY MUST YOU TURN THIS PLACE INTO A HOUSE OF *LIES*!?
[MMK <Snake> runs around the theatre, wailing like a banshee.]
VIPER <watching MMK>: Such a nice guy... [^_^s]
ZEMLYA: [nudges WAND] He...does this a lot?
WAND <still looking forward>: *All* the *time*.
>
> (Snake retracts his hand quickly as he sees C4 attached to wires
> surrounding the president.)
>
> Snake : C4!
>
> (A gun is cocked somewhere in the back of the room and a shot is fired.
> Snake jumps up into the air and the bullet flys beneath him.)
>
> Ocelot : Right. Touch that wire and the C4 will blow up along with the
> old man! So you're the one the Boss keeps talking about.
>
> Snake : And you?
>
> Ocelot : Special Operations FOX-HOUND.
WAND <Ocelot>: ...and you...are levitating.
VIPER <Snake>: Sorry. My bad.
>
> (The man twirls a revolver in his hand.)
>
> Ocelot : Revolver...
>
> (More gun-action.)
>
> Ocelot : ...Ocelot.
MOT 205, part 4: holy crap, this is going to be a long episode
by Gavok
> (Snake pulls out his binoculars and takes a look.)
> Campbell: It's the fastest way, but there's too much risk of being spotted by
> the enemy.
> Snake: I can't just knock on the door and ask them to let me in. One
> sentry on the left and one on the right. They're armed with "five
> five sixers" and pineapples...
> (As the guard on the right approaches Snake puts back his binoculars
> and hides behind the crate again. Then he goes over to the left and
> pulls out his binoculars again.)
> Campbell: What about the air duct near the door?
> (Snake locates the duct but it is guarded, he pans up to the upper
> level of the facility.)
> Campbell: There should also be a duct on the second floor.
> (Snake looks across to the walkway on the second floor to find the
> vent but his view is blocked by the railing.)
> Snake: I can't see it from here.
> (Snake lowers his binoculars and once again hides behind the crate.)
> Campbell: I'll let you decide the best COA. I'm counting on you
Snake.
> (The game resumes and the player takes control. Eventually, Snake
enters the vent on the second floor of the facility, he gets a codec
call from Master Miller, his old instructor.)
> Master:Snake, it's been a long time.
> Snake: Master? What are you doing here?
> Master:I quit being a drill instructor, so I moved out here for some
> peace and quiet. I'm in retirement just like you. Once in a while
> I still help train the Alaskan Scouts.
> Snake: Passing on the skills to a new generation, huh?
> Master:Campbell told me about the situation here. I thought I might be of
> some use.
> Snake: There's no one I'd rather have in a foxhole than you.
> Master:Well, I know lots about survival in a harsh environment. I've lived
> in Alaska longer than you, so call me if you have any questions
> about the flora or fauna out here. My frequency is 141.80.
> (Snake is moving through the vent shafts and he sees two Genome Soldiers
> talking through one of the vent covers.)
> Genome 1: I moved the DARPA Chief to the cell in the 1st floor basement.
> Genome 2: What about the vent shaft cleaning?
> Genome 1: They just opened the vent covers. They're about to start spraying
> for rats.
> Snake: 1st floor basement ventilation shaft...
> Genome 1: Shut those covers as soon as they're done spraying. Also, keep
> your eye on that woman in the cell. Don't get careless now.
> Snake: Woman in the cell?
> Genome 2: Did something happen?
> Genome 1: There's an intruder.
> Genome 2: Really?
> Genome 1: He's already done three people.
> Genome 2: He's killed three people?
> Genome 1: Yeah. They say he's using stealth too.
> Genome 2: Stealth?
> Snake: There's an intruder besides me?
> Genome 1: Anyway, I want you to increase the security detail on the chief.
> (Snake finds the DARPA chief in his cell and drops down through a vent
> opening.)
> DARPA chief: Who... who, who's that?
> Snake: I'm here to save you. You're the DARPA Chief, Donald Anderson,
> right?
> DARPA chief: You're here to save me, huh? What's your outfit?
> Snake: I'm the pawn they sent here to save your worthless butt.
> DARPA chief: Really? It's true... You don't look like one of them. In that
> case, hurry up and get me out of here.
> Snake: Slow down. Don't worry. First I want some information... about
> the terrorists.
> DARPA chief: The terrorists?
> Snake: Do they really have the ability to launch a nuke?
> DARPA chief: What are you talking about?
> Snake: The terrorists are threatening the White House. They say if they
> don't accede to their demands they'll launch a nuclear weapon.
> DARPA chief: Sweet Jesus...
> Snake: Is it possible?!
> DARPA chief: ... It's possible. They... could launch a nuke.
> (The woman in the next cell here this bit of information and stops the
> sit-ups she was doing.)
> Snake: How do they plan to launch? I though this place was just for
> keeping the dismantled warheads. THey shouldn't have access to
> a missile...
> DARPA chief: What I'm about to tell you is classified information. Okay? We
> were conducting exercises of a new type of experimental weapon.
> A weapon that will change the world.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: A weapon with the ability to launch a nuclear attack from any
> place on the face of the earth. A nuclear equipped, walking
> battle tank.
> Snake: Metal Gear!? It can't be!
> DARPA chief: ... You knew!? Metal Gear is one of the most secret black
> projects! How did you know that?
> Snake: We've had a couple of run-ins in the past. So that's the reason
> you were here at this disposal site?
> DARPA chief: Why else would I come to a God-forsaken place like this.
> Snake: I had heard the Metal Gear project was scrapped.
> DARPA chief: On the contrary, it has grown into a huge joint project between
> ArmsTech and ourselves. We were going to use this exercise as
> raw data and then proceed to mass production. If it hadn't been
> for the revolution.
> Snake: Revolution... ?
> DARPA chief: Rex has fallen into the hands of terrorists.
> Snake: Rex?
> (A guard takes notice of the conversation in the cell and slowly creeps
> to the door.)
> DARPA chief: Metal Gear Rex, the codename for the new Metal Gear prototype.
> They're probably already finished aiming the warhead they plan to
> use with Rex. These guys are pros. They're all experienced in
> handling and equipping weapons.
> (The guard bangs on the door.)
> Guard: Hey! Shut up in there willya!
> (The DARPA chief waves him away, and Snake comes out from his hiding
> place by the doorway.)
> Snake: But I thought that all nuclear watheads were equipped with safety
> measures. Some kind of detonation code that you have to input.
> DARPA chief: Oh, you mean PAL. Yes, of course, there is a PAL. It's set up
> so that you need to input two different passwords in order to
> launch the device.
> Snake: There are two passwords?
> DARPA chief: Yes. Baker knows one and I know one.
> Snake: Baker? The president of ArmsTech?
> DARPA chief: That's right. Each of us has to input our password or there can
> be no launch. But... they found out my password.
> Snake: You talked?
> DARPA chief: Psycho Mantis can read people's minds. You can't resist.
> Snake: Psycho Mantis?
> DARPA chief: One of the members of FOX-HOUND. He has psychic powers.
> Snake: ...This is bad...
> DARPA chief: It's just a metter of time before they get Baker's too.
> Snake: If they find out Baker's password...
> DARPA chief: Yes. They'll be able to launch a nuke anytime. But there is a
> way to stop the launch.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: The card keys.
> DARPA chief: They were designed by ArmsTech, the system developers as
> an emergency override. even without the passwords, you can just
> insert the card keys and engage the safety lock.
> Snake: And if I do that?
> DARPA chief: Yes. You can stop the launch.
> (The woman in the next cell hears this.)
> Woman: That card key... ?
> Snake: So where are the keys?
> DARPA chief: Baker should have them. Listen. You need three card keys. There
> are three different slots to put them in. You need to insert a
> card into each one of them.
> Snake: Okay three card keys. Do you know where they mught be keeping
> Baker?
> DARPA chief: Somewhere in the 2nd floor basement.
> Snake: 2nd floor basement?
> DARPA chief: I heard the guard say they moved him to an area that has a lot of
> electronic jamming.
> Snake: Any other clues?
> DARPA chief: Yes... they cemented over the entrances but but didn't have
> enough time to paint over them. Why don't you look for the areas
> where the walls are a different cover?
> (The DARPA chief gets up and fishes something out of his pocket.)
> DARPA chief: Here, take this. It's my ID card. It'll open any level one
> security door. It's called a PAN card. It works together with
> your body's own electrical field.
> Snake: Personal Area Network, huh?
> DARPA chief: It transmits data using the salts in your body as the
> transmission medium. As you approach the door's security devices
> they'll read the data stored in the card.
> Snake: And the doors will open automatically, gotcha. OK. I'm going to
> get you out of here.
> DARPA chief: Wait a minute.
> Snake: What is it?
> DARPA chief: You haven't heard of another way to disarm the PAL, have you?
> From your bosses or anyone.
> Snake: No.
> DARPA chief: Are you sure you haven't heard anything?
> Snake: I just said no.
> DARPA chief: So, does the White House plan to give in to the terrorists
> demands?
> Snake: That's their problem. It has nothing to do with my orders.
> DARPA chief: But... what about the Pentagon?
> Snake: Pentagon?
> (The DARPA chief grabs at his chest and starts to spasm.)
> DARPA chief: Nnnnnnghhhhhh!
> Snake: What is it!?
> DARPA chief: Ww... Why? Uuuuuughhhh!
> (The woman in the cell hears the chief cry out and becomes alarmed.
> She starts to bang on the wall and the door.)
> Woman: What's that!? Hey! What happened!?
> (After struggling a little bit longer the chief finally dies and
> slumps to the ground at Snake's feet. The woman stops banging on
> the door. Snake reaches down to feel the chief's pulse, nothing.)
> (Snake pulls out his binoculars and takes a look.)
MMK <Snake>: Yeah... yeah, keep that window open. Oh yeah. Now drop your towel. Come on...
> Campbell: It's the fastest way, but there's too much risk of being spotted by
> the enemy.
> Snake: I can't just knock on the door and ask them to let me in. One
> sentry on the left and one on the right. They're armed with "five
> five sixers" and pineapples...
GAVOK <Sweet Tooth>: HAHAHAHAHA! PINEAPPLE!
> (As the guard on the right approaches Snake puts back his binoculars
> and hides behind the crate again. Then he goes over to the left and
> pulls out his binoculars again.)
> Campbell: What about the air duct near the door?
> (Snake locates the duct but it is guarded, he pans up to the upper
> level of the facility.)
> Campbell: There should also be a duct on the second floor.
> (Snake looks across to the walkway on the second floor to find the
> vent but his view is blocked by the railing.)
> Snake: I can't see it from here.
WAND <Campbell>: *sigh* Snake, open your eyes.
VIPER <Snake>: Huh? Oh! There it is!
> (Snake lowers his binoculars and once again hides behind the crate.)
> Campbell: I'll let you decide the best COA. I'm counting on you
> Snake.
> (The game resumes and the player takes control. Eventually, Snake
> enters the vent on the second floor of the facility, he gets a codec
> call from Master Miller, his old instructor.)
GAVOK: He taught Snake how to write graphic novels about middle-aged Batman.
> Master: Snake, it's been a long time.
> Snake: Master? What are you doing here?
> Master: I quit being a drill instructor, so I moved out here for some
> peace and quiet. I'm in retirement just like you. Once in a while
> I still help train the Alaskan Scouts.
> Snake: Passing on the skills to a new generation, huh?
> Master: Campbell told me about the situation here. I thought I might be of
> some use.
> Snake: There's no one I'd rather have in a foxhole than you.
ZEMYLA: Don't ask, don't tell.
> Master: Well, I know lots about survival in a harsh environment. I've lived
> in Alaska longer than you,
WAND <Snake>: Yeah? I have clones.
(Gavok note: I'm referencing a comic that isn't even out yet. I'm so silly)
> so call me if you have any questions
> about the flora or fauna out here. My frequency is 141.80.
> (Snake is moving through the vent shafts and he sees two Genome Soldiers
> talking through one of the vent covers.)
> Genome 1: I moved the DARPA Chief to the cell in the 1st floor basement.
> Genome 2: What about the vent shaft cleaning?
> Genome 1: They just opened the vent covers. They're about to start spraying
> for rats.
> Snake: 1st floor basement ventilation shaft...
> Genome 1: Shut those covers as soon as they're done spraying. Also, keep
> your eye on that woman in the cell.
TBS <Genome 1>: Namely her posterior.
> Don't get careless now.
> Snake: Woman in the cell?
GAVOK: MMK?
MMK: Who is Jennifer Lopez.
GAVOK: Correct, the board is yours.
MMK: I'll take Vince Vaughn Co-Stars for $400.
> Genome 2: Did something happen?
TBS <Genome 1>: Somebody set us up the--
WAND: Don't.
> Genome 1: There's an intruder.
> Genome 2: Really?
> Genome 1: He's already done three people.
> Genome 2: He's killed three people?
ZEMYLA <Genome 1>: Well, two, really. One of them was just a cardboard cutout. The intruder's an idiot.
> Genome 1: Yeah. They say he's using stealth too.
> Genome 2: Stealth?
> Snake: There's an intruder besides me?
> Genome 1: Anyway, I want you to increase the security detail on the chief.
> (Snake finds the DARPA chief in his cell and drops down through a vent
> opening.)
VIPER: Where he landed on a trampoline and flew back into the vent.
> DARPA chief: Who... who, who's that?
GAVOK: Dammit, my DARPA chief is skipping again.
> Snake: I'm here to save you. You're the DARPA Chief, Donald Anderson,
> right?
> DARPA chief: You're here to save me, huh? What's your outfit?
MMK <Snake>: Tommy Hilfiger.
> Snake: I'm the pawn they sent here to save your worthless butt.
> DARPA chief: Really? It's true... You don't look like one of them. In that
> case, hurry up and get me out of here.
> Snake: Slow down.
TBS <chief>: Geeeeet... meeeeee... ouuuuut... of heeeeere.
> Don't worry. First I want some information... about
> the terrorists.
> DARPA chief: The terrorists?
> Snake: Do they really have the ability to launch a nuke?
> DARPA chief: What are you talking about?
> Snake: The terrorists are threatening the White House. They say if they
> don't accede to their demands they'll launch a nuclear weapon.
> DARPA chief: Sweet Jesus...
> Snake: Is it possible?!
GAVOK <chief>: What, Sweet Jesus? I guess if you dipped him in enough sugar...
> DARPA chief: ... It's possible. They... could launch a nuke.
> (The woman in the next cell here this bit of information and stops the
> sit-ups she was doing.)
> Snake: How do they plan to launch? I though this place was just for
> keeping the dismantled warheads. They shouldn't have access to
> a missile...
> DARPA chief: What I'm about to tell you is classified information. Okay? We
> were conducting exercises of a new type of experimental weapon.
> A weapon that will change the world.
ZEMYLA <chief>: It's a sword made out of a laser beam. It has the power to deflect bullets.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: A weapon with the ability to launch a nuclear attack from any
> place on the face of the earth. A nuclear equipped, walking
> battle tank.
> Snake: Metal Gear!? It can't be!
> DARPA chief: ... You knew!? Metal Gear is one of the most secret black
> projects! How did you know that?
> Snake: We've had a couple of run-ins in the past. So that's the reason
> you were here at this disposal site?
> DARPA chief: Why else would I come to a God-forsaken place like this.
MMK: Good gas prices?
> Snake: I had heard the Metal Gear project was scrapped.
> DARPA chief: On the contrary, it has grown into a huge joint project between
> ArmsTech and ourselves. We were going to use this exercise as
> raw data and then proceed to mass production. If it hadn't been
> for the revolution.
> Snake: Revolution... ?
> DARPA chief: Rex has fallen into the hands of terrorists.
GAVOK: Little does Speed realize that Racer X is in actuality his brother Rex Racer, ah!
> Snake: Rex?
> (A guard takes notice of the conversation in the cell and slowly creeps
> to the door.)
> DARPA chief: Metal Gear Rex, the codename for the new Metal Gear prototype.
> They're probably already finished aiming the warhead they plan to
> use with Rex. These guys are pros. They're all experienced in
> handling and equipping weapons.
> (The guard bangs on the door.)
GAVOK <chief>: Occupied!
> Guard: Hey! Shut up in there willya!
> (The DARPA chief waves him away, and Snake comes out from his hiding
> place by the doorway.)
> Snake: But I thought that all nuclear warheads were equipped with safety
> measures. Some kind of detonation code that you have to input.
> DARPA chief: Oh, you mean PAL. Yes, of course, there is a PAL. It's set up
> so that you need to input two different passwords in order to
> launch the device.
> Snake: There are two passwords?
> DARPA chief: Yes. Baker knows one and I know one.
> Snake: Baker? The president of ArmsTech?
MMK <chief>: No, the guy who makes my bread. He's a trusting guy, so I figured, what the hell.
> DARPA chief: That's right. Each of us has to input our password or there can
> be no launch. But... they found out my password.
> Snake: You talked?
> DARPA chief: Psycho Mantis can read people's minds. You can't resist.
> Snake: Psycho Mantis?
> DARPA chief: One of the members of FOX-HOUND. He has psychic powers.
> Snake: ...This is bad...
VIPER: But he comes with a free frogurt!
> DARPA chief: It's just a matter of time before they get Baker's too.
> Snake: If they find out Baker's password...
WAND: Then they can play as Samus in just her underwear.
> DARPA chief: Yes. They'll be able to launch a nuke anytime. But there is a
> way to stop the launch.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: The card keys.
> DARPA chief: They were designed by ArmsTech, the system developers as
> an emergency override. Even without the passwords, you can just
> insert the card keys and engage the safety lock.
> Snake: And if I do that?
> DARPA chief: Yes. You can stop the launch.
> (The woman in the next cell hears this.)
> Woman: That card key... ?
> Snake: So where are the keys?
GAVOK <chief>: In the couch cushions.
> DARPA chief: Baker should have them. Listen. You need three card keys. There
> are three different slots to put them in. You need to insert a
> card into each one of them.
> Snake: Okay three card keys. Do you know where they mught be keeping
> Baker?
> DARPA chief: Somewhere in the 2nd floor basement.
> Snake: 2nd floor basement?
ALL: SECOND FLOOR BASEMENT!!!
GAVOK: God!
> DARPA chief: I heard the guard say they moved him to an area that has a lot of
> electronic jamming.
> Snake: Any other clues?
MMK <chief>: There are these cartoony, blue paw prints.
> DARPA chief: Yes... they cemented over the entrances but but didn't have
> enough time to paint over them. Why don't you look for the areas
> where the walls are a different cover?
> (The DARPA chief gets up and fishes something out of his pocket.)
[Everyone shrieks and shields their eyes]
ALL: NOOO!
> DARPA chief: Here, take this. It's my ID card.
ALL: Phew.
> It'll open any level one
> security door. It's called a PAN card. It works together with
> your body's own electrical field.
> Snake: Personal Area Network, huh?
> DARPA chief: It transmits data using the salts in your body as the
> transmission medium. As you approach the door's security devices
> they'll read the data stored in the card.
> Snake: And the doors will open automatically, gotcha. OK. I'm going to
> get you out of here.
> DARPA chief: Wait a minute.
> Snake: What is it?
GAVOK <chief>: A measuring of time made up of sixty seconds.
> DARPA chief: You haven't heard of another way to disarm the PAL, have you?
> From your bosses or anyone.
> Snake: No.
> DARPA chief: Are you sure you haven't heard anything?
> Snake: I just said no.
> DARPA chief: So, does the White House plan to give in to the terrorists
> demands?
> Snake: That's their problem. It has nothing to do with my orders.
> DARPA chief: But... what about the Pentagon?
> Snake: Pentagon?
> (The DARPA chief grabs at his chest and starts to spasm.)
> DARPA chief: Nnnnnnghhhhhh!
> Snake: What is it!?
> DARPA chief: Ww... Why? Uuuuuughhhh!
TBS: My first guess would be all the cheeseburgers.
> (The woman in the cell hears the chief cry out and becomes alarmed.
> She starts to bang on the wall and the door.)
> Woman: What's that!? Hey! What happened!?
> (After struggling a little bit longer the chief finally dies and
> slumps to the ground at Snake's feet. The woman stops banging on
> the door. Snake reaches down to feel the chief's pulse, nothing.)
> Snake: Hmmmm...
MMK <Snake>: I bet I could get away with stealing his wallet.
> (Snake pulls out his binoculars and takes a look.)
MMK <Snake>: Yeah... yeah, keep that window open. Oh yeah. Now drop your towel. Come on...
> Campbell: It's the fastest way, but there's too much risk of being spotted by
> the enemy.
> Snake: I can't just knock on the door and ask them to let me in. One
> sentry on the left and one on the right. They're armed with "five
> five sixers" and pineapples...
GAVOK <Sweet Tooth>: HAHAHAHAHA! PINEAPPLE!
> (As the guard on the right approaches Snake puts back his binoculars
> and hides behind the crate again. Then he goes over to the left and
> pulls out his binoculars again.)
> Campbell: What about the air duct near the door?
> (Snake locates the duct but it is guarded, he pans up to the upper
> level of the facility.)
> Campbell: There should also be a duct on the second floor.
> (Snake looks across to the walkway on the second floor to find the
> vent but his view is blocked by the railing.)
> Snake: I can't see it from here.
WAND <Campbell>: *sigh* Snake, open your eyes.
VIPER <Snake>: Huh? Oh! There it is!
> (Snake lowers his binoculars and once again hides behind the crate.)
> Campbell: I'll let you decide the best COA. I'm counting on you
> Snake.
MMK <Campbell>: One dust bunny, two dust bunnies, three dust bunnies...
ZEM <Snake>: Stop that.
> (The game resumes and the player takes control. Eventually, Snake
> enters the vent on the second floor of the facility, he gets a codec
> call from Master Miller, his old instructor.)
GAVOK: He taught Snake how to write graphic novels about middle-aged Batman.
> Master: Snake, it's been a long time.
> Snake: Master? What are you doing here?
> Master: I quit being a drill instructor, so I moved out here for some
> peace and quiet. I'm in retirement just like you. Once in a while
> I still help train the Alaskan Scouts.
> Snake: Passing on the skills to a new generation, huh?
> Master: Campbell told me about the situation here. I thought I might be of
> some use.
> Snake: There's no one I'd rather have in a foxhole than you.
ZEMYLA: Don't ask, don't tell.
> Master: Well, I know lots about survival in a harsh environment. I've lived
> in Alaska longer than you,
WAND <Snake>: Yeah? I have clones.
(Gavok note: I'm referencing a comic that isn't even out yet. I'm so silly)
> so call me if you have any questions
> about the flora or fauna out here. My frequency is 141.80.
> (Snake is moving through the vent shafts and he sees two Genome Soldiers
> talking through one of the vent covers.)
> Genome 1: I moved the DARPA Chief to the cell in the 1st floor basement.
> Genome 2: What about the vent shaft cleaning?
> Genome 1: They just opened the vent covers. They're about to start spraying
> for rats.
VIPER <Genome 2>: Are they spraying for snakes as well?
ZEM <Genome 1>: Don't think so.
WAND <Snake>: Heheheheh.
> Snake: 1st floor basement ventilation shaft...
> Genome 1: Shut those covers as soon as they're done spraying. Also, keep
> your eye on that woman in the cell.
TBS <Genome 1>: Namely her posterior.
> Don't get careless now.
> Snake: Woman in the cell?
GAVOK: MMK?
MMK: Who is Jennifer Lopez.
GAVOK: Correct, the board is yours.
MMK: I'll take Vince Vaughn Co-Stars for $400.
> Genome 2: Did something happen?
TBS <Genome 1>: Somebody set us up the--
WAND: Don't.
> Genome 1: There's an intruder.
> Genome 2: Really?
> Genome 1: He's already done three people.
> Genome 2: He's killed three people?
ZEMYLA <Genome 1>: Well, two, really. One of them was just a cardboard cutout. The intruder's an idiot.
> Genome 1: Yeah. They say he's using stealth too.
> Genome 2: Stealth?
> Snake: There's an intruder besides me?
> Genome 1: Anyway, I want you to increase the security detail on the chief.
> (Snake finds the DARPA chief in his cell and drops down through a vent
> opening.)
VIPER: Where he landed on a trampoline and flew back into the vent.
> DARPA chief: Who... who, who's that?
GAVOK: Dammit, my DARPA chief is skipping again.
> Snake: I'm here to save you. You're the DARPA Chief, Donald Anderson,
> right?
> DARPA chief: You're here to save me, huh? What's your outfit?
MMK <Snake>: Tommy Hilfiger.
> Snake: I'm the pawn they sent here to save your worthless butt.
> DARPA chief: Really? It's true... You don't look like one of them. In that
> case, hurry up and get me out of here.
> Snake: Slow down.
TBS <chief>: Geeeeet... meeeeee... ouuuuut... of heeeeere.
> Don't worry. First I want some information... about
> the terrorists.
> DARPA chief: The terrorists?
WAND: OKAY! This is the last straw!
ZEM: Huh?
WAND: Most of the questions in this script is immediately followed by a repeat of the earlier question! Are all these people deaf or something?
[A short pause.]
MMK, GAVOK, & TBS: Deaf?
[WAND growls and pulls out a sword with intent to maim as he chases the LOONS around the theater.]
VID <over loudspeaker>: STOP THEM!
WF <over loudspeaker>: Time for a Prinny bombing, dood!
[Several penguins fall down from the sky, exploding and knocking the LOONS and WAND out of their chase.]
VID <over loudspeaker>: And where, pray tell, did you get THAT?
WF <over loudspeaker>: ...from a garage sale?
> Snake: Do they really have the ability to launch a nuke?
> DARPA chief: What are you talking about?
ZEM <Snake>: I'm talking about nuclear strikes! Geez!
[WAND and the LOONS return to their seats.]
> Snake: The terrorists are threatening the White House. They say if they
> don't accede to their demands they'll launch a nuclear weapon.
> DARPA chief: Sweet Jesus...
> Snake: Is it possible?!
GAVOK <chief>: What, Sweet Jesus? I guess if you dipped him in enough sugar...
> DARPA chief: ... It's possible. They... could launch a nuke.
> (The woman in the next cell here this bit of information and stops the
> sit-ups she was doing.)
> Snake: How do they plan to launch? I though this place was just for
> keeping the dismantled warheads. They shouldn't have access to
> a missile...
> DARPA chief: What I'm about to tell you is classified information. Okay? We
> were conducting exercises of a new type of experimental weapon.
> A weapon that will change the world.
ZEMYLA <chief>: It's a sword made out of a laser beam. It has the power to deflect bullets.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: A weapon with the ability to launch a nuclear attack from any
> place on the face of the earth. A nuclear equipped, walking
> battle tank.
> Snake: Metal Gear!? It can't be!
> DARPA chief: ... You knew!? Metal Gear is one of the most secret black
> projects! How did you know that?
> Snake: We've had a couple of run-ins in the past. So that's the reason
> you were here at this disposal site?
> DARPA chief: Why else would I come to a God-forsaken place like this.
MMK: Good gas prices?
GAVOK: Because it's there?
> Snake: I had heard the Metal Gear project was scrapped.
> DARPA chief: On the contrary, it has grown into a huge joint project between
> ArmsTech and ourselves. We were going to use this exercise as
> raw data and then proceed to mass production. If it hadn't been
> for the revolution.
> Snake: Revolution... ?
> DARPA chief: Rex has fallen into the hands of terrorists.
GAVOK: Little does Speed realize that Racer X is in actuality his brother Rex Racer, ah!
> Snake: Rex?
> (A guard takes notice of the conversation in the cell and slowly creeps
> to the door.)
> DARPA chief: Metal Gear Rex, the codename for the new Metal Gear prototype.
> They're probably already finished aiming the warhead they plan to
> use with Rex. These guys are pros. They're all experienced in
> handling and equipping weapons.
> (The guard bangs on the door.)
GAVOK <chief>: Occupied!
> Guard: Hey! Shut up in there willya!
> (The DARPA chief waves him away, and Snake comes out from his hiding
> place by the doorway.)
> Snake: But I thought that all nuclear warheads were equipped with safety
> measures. Some kind of detonation code that you have to input.
> DARPA chief: Oh, you mean PAL. Yes, of course, there is a PAL. It's set up
> so that you need to input two different passwords in order to
> launch the device.
> Snake: There are two passwords?
> DARPA chief: Yes. Baker knows one and I know one.
> Snake: Baker? The president of ArmsTech?
MMK <chief>: No, the guy who makes my bread. He's a trusting guy, so I figured, what the hell.
> DARPA chief: That's right. Each of us has to input our password or there can
> be no launch. But... they found out my password.
> Snake: You talked?
> DARPA chief: Psycho Mantis can read people's minds. You can't resist.
> Snake: Psycho Mantis?
> DARPA chief: One of the members of FOX-HOUND. He has psychic powers.
VIPER <Snake>: Now see, I thought he was TELEKINETIC.
> Snake: ...This is bad...
VIPER: But he comes with a free frogurt!
> DARPA chief: It's just a matter of time before they get Baker's too.
> Snake: If they find out Baker's password...
WAND: Then they can play as Samus in just her underwear.
> DARPA chief: Yes. They'll be able to launch a nuke anytime. But there is a
> way to stop the launch.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: The card keys.
> DARPA chief: They were designed by ArmsTech, the system developers as
> an emergency override. Even without the passwords, you can just
> insert the card keys and engage the safety lock.
> Snake: And if I do that?
> DARPA chief: Yes. You can stop the launch.
> (The woman in the next cell hears this.)
> Woman: That card key... ?
> Snake: So where are the keys?
GAVOK <chief>: In the couch cushions.
> DARPA chief: Baker should have them. Listen. You need three card keys. There
> are three different slots to put them in. You need to insert a
> card into each one of them.
WAND: My GOD. The show of intelligence here is absolutely ASTOUNDING.
ZEM: Sarcastic much?
WAND: Me? NEVER!
> Snake: Okay three card keys. Do you know where they mught be keeping
> Baker?
> DARPA chief: Somewhere in the 2nd floor basement.
> Snake: 2nd floor basement?
ALL: SECOND FLOOR BASEMENT!!!
GAVOK: God!
> DARPA chief: I heard the guard say they moved him to an area that has a lot of
> electronic jamming.
> Snake: Any other clues?
MMK <chief>: There are these cartoony, blue paw prints.
> DARPA chief: Yes... they cemented over the entrances but but didn't have
> enough time to paint over them. Why don't you look for the areas
> where the walls are a different cover?
> (The DARPA chief gets up and fishes something out of his pocket.)
[Everyone shrieks and shields their eyes]
ALL: NOOO!
> DARPA chief: Here, take this. It's my ID card.
ALL: Phew.
> It'll open any level one
> security door. It's called a PAN card. It works together with
> your body's own electrical field.
> Snake: Personal Area Network, huh?
> DARPA chief: It transmits data using the salts in your body as the
> transmission medium. As you approach the door's security devices
> they'll read the data stored in the card.
> Snake: And the doors will open automatically, gotcha. OK. I'm going to
> get you out of here.
> DARPA chief: Wait a minute.
> Snake: What is it?
GAVOK <chief>: A measuring of time made up of sixty seconds.
> DARPA chief: You haven't heard of another way to disarm the PAL, have you?
> From your bosses or anyone.
> Snake: No.
> DARPA chief: Are you sure you haven't heard anything?
> Snake: I just said no.
WAND: I'm trying to resist the urge, really I am...
> DARPA chief: So, does the White House plan to give in to the terrorists
> demands?
> Snake: That's their problem. It has nothing to do with my orders.
> DARPA chief: But... what about the Pentagon?
> Snake: Pentagon?
[WAND growls and rips the arm off of his seat.]
> (The DARPA chief grabs at his chest and starts to spasm.)
> DARPA chief: Nnnnnnghhhhhh!
> Snake: What is it!?
> DARPA chief: Ww... Why? Uuuuuughhhh!
TBS: My first guess would be all the cheeseburgers.
> (The woman in the cell hears the chief cry out and becomes alarmed.
> She starts to bang on the wall and the door.)
> Woman: What's that!? Hey! What happened!?
> (After struggling a little bit longer the chief finally dies and
> slumps to the ground at Snake's feet. The woman stops banging on
> the door. Snake reaches down to feel the chief's pulse, nothing.)
> Snake: Hmmmm...
MMK <Snake>: I bet I could get away with stealing his wallet.
> (Snake pulls out his binoculars and takes a look.)
MMK <Snake>: Yeah... yeah, keep that window open. Oh yeah. Now drop your towel. Come on...
> Campbell: It's the fastest way, but there's too much risk of being spotted by
> the enemy.
> Snake: I can't just knock on the door and ask them to let me in.
MMK <Campbell>: Just say you're the pizza guy. They'll let you right in.
> One
> sentry on the left and one on the right. They're armed with "five
> five sixers" and pineapples...
GAVOK <Sweet Tooth>: HAHAHAHAHA! PINEAPPLE!
> (As the guard on the right approaches Snake puts back his binoculars
> and hides behind the crate again. Then he goes over to the left and
> pulls out his binoculars again.)
> Campbell: What about the air duct near the door?
VIPER: Dude! Evil Overlord List!
> (Snake locates the duct but it is guarded, he pans up to the upper
> level of the facility.)
> Campbell: There should also be a duct on the second floor.
> (Snake looks across to the walkway on the second floor to find the
> vent but his view is blocked by the railing.)
ZEMYLA: Are we talking about the view from Snake's eyes or the view from
the POV camera behind him?
> Snake: I can't see it from here.
WAND <Campbell>: *sigh* Snake, open your eyes.
VIPER <Snake>: Huh? Oh! There it is!
> (Snake lowers his binoculars and once again hides behind the crate.)
> Campbell: I'll let you decide the best COA. I'm counting on you
> Snake.
MMK <Campbell>: One dust bunny, two dust bunnies, three dust bunnies...
ZEMYLA <Snake>: Stop that.
> (The game resumes and the player takes control. Eventually, Snake
> enters the vent on the second floor of the facility, he gets a codec
> call from Master Miller, his old instructor.)
GAVOK: He taught Snake how to write graphic novels about middle-aged Batman.
> Master: Snake, it's been a long time.
> Snake: Master? What are you doing here?
> Master: I quit being a drill instructor, so I moved out here for some
> peace and quiet. I'm in retirement just like you. Once in a while
> I still help train the Alaskan Scouts.
WAND: Like the Texas Rangers, except shittier.
> Snake: Passing on the skills to a new generation, huh?
> Master: Campbell told me about the situation here. I thought I might be of
> some use.
> Snake: There's no one I'd rather have in a foxhole than you.
ZEMYLA: Don't ask, don't tell.
> Master: Well, I know lots about survival in a harsh environment. I've lived
> in Alaska longer than you,
WAND <Snake>: Yeah? I have clones.
(Gavok note: I'm referencing a comic that isn't even out yet. I'm so silly)
> so call me if you have any questions
> about the flora or fauna out here. My frequency is 141.80.
> (Snake is moving through the vent shafts and he sees two Genome Soldiers
> talking through one of the vent covers.)
> Genome 1: I moved the DARPA Chief to the cell in the 1st floor basement.
ZEMYLA <Doyt>: Well, that was quite a bit more convenient than I could have
expected.
> Genome 2: What about the vent shaft cleaning?
> Genome 1: They just opened the vent covers. They're about to start spraying
> for rats.
VIPER <Genome 2>: Are they spraying for snakes as well?
ZEM <Genome 1>: Don't think so.
WAND <Snake>: Heheheheh.
> Snake: 1st floor basement ventilation shaft...
> Genome 1: Shut those covers as soon as they're done spraying. Also, keep
> your eye on that woman in the cell.
TBS <Genome 1>: Namely her posterior.
> Don't get careless now.
> Snake: Woman in the cell?
GAVOK: MMK?
MMK: Who is Jennifer Lopez.
GAVOK: Correct, the board is yours.
MMK: I'll take Vince Vaughn Co-Stars for $400.
> Genome 2: Did something happen?
TBS <Genome 1>: Somebody set us up the--
WAND: Don't.
> Genome 1: There's an intruder.
> Genome 2: Really?
> Genome 1: He's already done three people.
> Genome 2: He's killed three people?
ZEMYLA <Genome 1>: Well, two, really. One of them was just a cardboard cutout. The intruder's an idiot.
> Genome 1: Yeah. They say he's using stealth too.
> Genome 2: Stealth?
ZEMYLA: That's not fair! He should give her back to Lexx!
> Snake: There's an intruder besides me?
> Genome 1: Anyway, I want you to increase the security detail on the chief.
> (Snake finds the DARPA chief in his cell and drops down through a vent
> opening.)
VIPER: Where he landed on a trampoline and flew back into the vent.
> DARPA chief: Who... who, who's that?
GAVOK: Dammit, my DARPA chief is skipping again.
> Snake: I'm here to save you. You're the DARPA Chief, Donald Anderson,
> right?
> DARPA chief: You're here to save me, huh? What's your outfit?
MMK <Snake>: Tommy Hilfiger.
> Snake: I'm the pawn they sent here to save your worthless butt.
TBS <Snake>: That's why I have to attack the guards diagonally.
> DARPA chief: Really? It's true... You don't look like one of them. In that
> case, hurry up and get me out of here.
> Snake: Slow down.
TBS <chief>: Geeeeet... meeeeee... ouuuuut... of heeeeere.
> Don't worry. First I want some information... about
> the terrorists.
> DARPA chief: The terrorists?
WAND: OKAY! This is the last straw!
ZEMYLA: Huh?
WAND: Most of the questions in this script is immediately followed by a repeat of the earlier question! Are all these people deaf or something?
[A short pause.]
MMK, GAVOK, & TBS: Deaf?
[WAND growls and pulls out a sword with intent to maim as he chases the LOONS around the theater.]
VID <over loudspeaker>: STOP THEM!
WF <over loudspeaker>: Time for a Prinny bombing, dood!
[Several penguins fall down from the sky, exploding and knocking the LOONS and WAND out of their chase.]
VID <over loudspeaker>: And where, pray tell, did you get THAT?
WF <over loudspeaker>: ...from a garage sale?
> Snake: Do they really have the ability to launch a nuke?
> DARPA chief: What are you talking about?
ZEM <Snake>: I'm talking about nuclear strikes! Geez!
[WAND and the LOONS return to their seats.]
> Snake: The terrorists are threatening the White House. They say if they
> don't accede to their demands they'll launch a nuclear weapon.
> DARPA chief: Sweet Jesus...
> Snake: Is it possible?!
GAVOK <chief>: What, Sweet Jesus? I guess if you dipped him in enough sugar...
> DARPA chief: ... It's possible. They... could launch a nuke.
> (The woman in the next cell here this bit of information and stops the
> sit-ups she was doing.)
WAND: Yes, because whenever I'm captured by terrorists, my first priority is
*exercise*!
> Snake: How do they plan to launch? I though this place was just for
> keeping the dismantled warheads. They shouldn't have access to
> a missile...
> DARPA chief: What I'm about to tell you is classified information. Okay? We
> were conducting exercises of a new type of experimental weapon.
> A weapon that will change the world.
ZEMYLA <chief>: It's a sword made out of a laser beam. It has the power to deflect bullets.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: A weapon with the ability to launch a nuclear attack from any
> place on the face of the earth. A nuclear equipped, walking
> battle tank.
> Snake: Metal Gear!? It can't be!
> DARPA chief: ... You knew!? Metal Gear is one of the most secret black
> projects! How did you know that?
WAND <Snake>: I don't know. Maybe the briefing I had before I came here?
> Snake: We've had a couple of run-ins in the past. So that's the reason
> you were here at this disposal site?
> DARPA chief: Why else would I come to a God-forsaken place like this.
MMK: Good gas prices?
GAVOK: Because it's there?
> Snake: I had heard the Metal Gear project was scrapped.
> DARPA chief: On the contrary, it has grown into a huge joint project between
> ArmsTech and ourselves. We were going to use this exercise as
> raw data and then proceed to mass production. If it hadn't been
> for the revolution.
> Snake: Revolution... ?
> DARPA chief: Rex has fallen into the hands of terrorists.
GAVOK: Little does Speed realize that Racer X is in actuality his brother Rex Racer, ah!
> Snake: Rex?
> (A guard takes notice of the conversation in the cell and slowly creeps
> to the door.)
> DARPA chief: Metal Gear Rex, the codename for the new Metal Gear prototype.
> They're probably already finished aiming the warhead they plan to
> use with Rex.
VIPER <terrorist>: Here, Rex! Fetch the warhead!
> These guys are pros. They're all experienced in
> handling and equipping weapons.
> (The guard bangs on the door.)
GAVOK <chief>: Occupied!
> Guard: Hey! Shut up in there willya!
> (The DARPA chief waves him away, and Snake comes out from his hiding
> place by the doorway.)
> Snake: But I thought that all nuclear warheads were equipped with safety
> measures. Some kind of detonation code that you have to input.
> DARPA chief: Oh, you mean PAL. Yes, of course, there is a PAL. It's set up
> so that you need to input two different passwords in order to
> launch the device.
> Snake: There are two passwords?
> DARPA chief: Yes. Baker knows one and I know one.
> Snake: Baker? The president of ArmsTech?
MMK <chief>: No, the guy who makes my bread. He's a trusting guy, so I figured, what the hell.
> DARPA chief: That's right. Each of us has to input our password or there can
> be no launch. But... they found out my password.
> Snake: You talked?
GAVOK <interrogator>: If you tell me the password, I'll give you a Klondike Bar.
> DARPA chief: Psycho Mantis can read people's minds. You can't resist.
> Snake: Psycho Mantis?
> DARPA chief: One of the members of FOX-HOUND. He has psychic powers.
VIPER <Snake>: Now see, I thought he was TELEKINETIC.
> Snake: ...This is bad...
VIPER: But he comes with a free frogurt!
> DARPA chief: It's just a matter of time before they get Baker's too.
> Snake: If they find out Baker's password...
WAND: Then they can play as Samus in just her underwear.
> DARPA chief: Yes. They'll be able to launch a nuke anytime. But there is a
> way to stop the launch.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: The card keys.
ZEMYLA: So Snake is going to have to go down a long corridor to get a card key,
which he then takes back to near the entrance to open another corridor leading
to the exit?
[That was the most irritating part about Doom. -Zem]
> DARPA chief: They were designed by ArmsTech, the system developers as
> an emergency override. Even without the passwords, you can just
> insert the card keys and engage the safety lock.
> Snake: And if I do that?
> DARPA chief: Yes. You can stop the launch.
> (The woman in the next cell hears this.)
> Woman: That card key... ?
> Snake: So where are the keys?
GAVOK <chief>: In the couch cushions.
> DARPA chief: Baker should have them. Listen. You need three card keys. There
> are three different slots to put them in. You need to insert a
> card into each one of them.
WAND: My GOD. The show of intelligence here is absolutely ASTOUNDING.
ZEM: Sarcastic much?
WAND: Me? NEVER!
> Snake: Okay three card keys. Do you know where they mught be keeping
> Baker?
> DARPA chief: Somewhere in the 2nd floor basement.
> Snake: 2nd floor basement?
ALL: SECOND FLOOR BASEMENT!!!
GAVOK: God!
> DARPA chief: I heard the guard say they moved him to an area that has a lot of
> electronic jamming.
> Snake: Any other clues?
MMK <chief>: There are these cartoony, blue paw prints.
> DARPA chief: Yes... they cemented over the entrances but but didn't have
> enough time to paint over them. Why don't you look for the areas
> where the walls are a different cover?
VIPER <chief>: Also, you won't make a grunting noise when you push against it.
> (The DARPA chief gets up and fishes something out of his pocket.)
[Everyone shrieks and shields their eyes]
ALL: NOOO!
> DARPA chief: Here, take this. It's my ID card.
ALL: Phew.
> It'll open any level one
> security door. It's called a PAN card.
ZEMYLA: And as soon as he takes it, he turns into a satyr.
> It works together with
> your body's own electrical field.
> Snake: Personal Area Network, huh?
> DARPA chief: It transmits data using the salts in your body as the
> transmission medium. As you approach the door's security devices
> they'll read the data stored in the card.
> Snake: And the doors will open automatically, gotcha. OK. I'm going to
> get you out of here.
> DARPA chief: Wait a minute.
> Snake: What is it?
GAVOK <chief>: A measuring of time made up of sixty seconds.
> DARPA chief: You haven't heard of another way to disarm the PAL, have you?
> From your bosses or anyone.
> Snake: No.
> DARPA chief: Are you sure you haven't heard anything?
> Snake: I just said no.
WAND: I'm trying to resist the urge, really I am...
> DARPA chief: So, does the White House plan to give in to the terrorists
> demands?
> Snake: That's their problem. It has nothing to do with my orders.
> DARPA chief: But... what about the Pentagon?
> Snake: Pentagon?
[WAND growls and rips the arm off of his seat.]
> (The DARPA chief grabs at his chest and starts to spasm.)
> DARPA chief: Nnnnnnghhhhhh!
> Snake: What is it!?
> DARPA chief: Ww... Why? Uuuuuughhhh!
TBS: My first guess would be all the cheeseburgers.
> (The woman in the cell hears the chief cry out and becomes alarmed.
> She starts to bang on the wall and the door.)
> Woman: What's that!? Hey! What happened!?
> (After struggling a little bit longer the chief finally dies and
> slumps to the ground at Snake's feet. The woman stops banging on
> the door. Snake reaches down to feel the chief's pulse, nothing.)
> Snake: Hmmmm...
MMK <Snake>: I bet I could get away with stealing his wallet.
> (Snake pulls out his binoculars and takes a look.)
MMK <Snake>: Yeah... yeah, keep that window open. Oh yeah. Now drop your towel. Come on...
> Campbell: It's the fastest way, but there's too much risk of being spotted by
> the enemy.
VIPER <Snake>: Well, if I took the easy way out and got spotted, I'd look a right *CHEETAH*, wouldn't I? Eh? EH?
[Mass groaning.]
> Snake: I can't just knock on the door and ask them to let me in.
MMK <Campbell>: Just say you're the pizza guy. They'll let you right in.
> One
> sentry on the left and one on the right. They're armed with "five
> five sixers" and pineapples...
GAVOK <Sweet Tooth>: HAHAHAHAHA! PINEAPPLE!
> (As the guard on the right approaches Snake puts back his binoculars
> and hides behind the crate again. Then he goes over to the left and
> pulls out his binoculars again.)
> Campbell: What about the air duct near the door?
VIPER: Dude! Evil Overlord List!
> (Snake locates the duct but it is guarded, he pans up to the upper
> level of the facility.)
> Campbell: There should also be a duct on the second floor.
> (Snake looks across to the walkway on the second floor to find the
> vent but his view is blocked by the railing.)
ZEMYLA: Are we talking about the view from Snake's eyes or the view from
the POV camera behind him?
> Snake: I can't see it from here.
WAND <Campbell>: *sigh* Snake, open your eyes.
VIPER <Snake>: Huh? Oh! There it is!
> (Snake lowers his binoculars and once again hides behind the crate.)
> Campbell: I'll let you decide the best COA. I'm counting on you
> Snake.
MMK <Campbell>: One dust bunny, two dust bunnies, three dust bunnies...
ZEMYLA <Snake>: Stop that.
> (The game resumes and the player takes control. Eventually, Snake
> enters the vent on the second floor of the facility, he gets a codec
> call from Master Miller, his old instructor.)
GAVOK: He taught Snake how to write graphic novels about middle-aged Batman.
> Master: Snake, it's been a long time.
> Snake: Master? What are you doing here?
VIPER <Master>: I'm in your video game, helpin' you survive.
> Master: I quit being a drill instructor, so I moved out here for some
> peace and quiet. I'm in retirement just like you. Once in a while
> I still help train the Alaskan Scouts.
WAND: Like the Texas Rangers, except shittier.
> Snake: Passing on the skills to a new generation, huh?
> Master: Campbell told me about the situation here. I thought I might be of
> some use.
> Snake: There's no one I'd rather have in a foxhole than you.
ZEMYLA: Don't ask, don't tell.
> Master: Well, I know lots about survival in a harsh environment. I've lived
> in Alaska longer than you,
WAND <Snake>: Yeah? I have clones.
(Gavok note: I'm referencing a comic that isn't even out yet. I'm so silly)
> so call me if you have any questions
> about the flora or fauna out here. My frequency is 141.80.
> (Snake is moving through the vent shafts and he sees two Genome Soldiers
> talking through one of the vent covers.)
[MMK gets out a vent cover and holds it in front of his face.]
MMK <Genome 1, to GAVOK>: Any word from the warden?
GAVOK <Genome 2>: Hee hee hee! Let me try, let me try!
> Genome 1: I moved the DARPA Chief to the cell in the 1st floor basement.
ZEMYLA <Doyt>: Well, that was quite a bit more convenient than I could have
expected.
> Genome 2: What about the vent shaft cleaning?
> Genome 1: They just opened the vent covers. They're about to start spraying
> for rats.
VIPER <Genome 2>: Are they spraying for snakes as well?
ZEM <Genome 1>: Don't think so.
WAND <Snake>: Heheheheh.
> Snake: 1st floor basement ventilation shaft...
> Genome 1: Shut those covers as soon as they're done spraying. Also, keep
> your eye on that woman in the cell.
TBS <Genome 1>: Namely her posterior.
> Don't get careless now.
> Snake: Woman in the cell?
GAVOK: MMK?
MMK: Who is Jennifer Lopez.
GAVOK: Correct, the board is yours.
MMK: I'll take Vince Vaughn Co-Stars for $400.
> Genome 2: Did something happen?
TBS <Genome 1>: Somebody set us up the--
WAND: Don't.
> Genome 1: There's an intruder.
> Genome 2: Really?
> Genome 1: He's already done three people.
VIPER <Genome 2>: Really?
GAVOK <Genome 1>: ...and he was wearing nothing but an appropriately shaped shrub, so we can't find any trace of him anywhere.
VIPER <Genome 2>: Really?
GAVOK <Genome 1>: You're not listening to me, are you?
VIPER <Genome 2>: Not really.
> Genome 2: He's killed three people?
ZEMYLA <Genome 1>: Well, two, really. One of them was just a cardboard cutout. The intruder's an idiot.
> Genome 1: Yeah. They say he's using stealth too.
> Genome 2: Stealth?
ZEMYLA: That's not fair! He should give her back to Lexx!
> Snake: There's an intruder besides me?
> Genome 1: Anyway, I want you to increase the security detail on the chief.
> (Snake finds the DARPA chief in his cell and drops down through a vent
> opening.)
VIPER: Where he landed on a trampoline and flew back into the vent.
[The ending orchestral hit from "Snake Eater" plays.]
> DARPA chief: Who... who, who's that?
GAVOK: Dammit, my DARPA chief is skipping again.
> Snake: I'm here to save you. You're the DARPA Chief, Donald Anderson,
> right?
> DARPA chief: You're here to save me, huh? What's your outfit?
MMK <Snake>: Tommy Hilfiger.
> Snake: I'm the pawn they sent here to save your worthless butt.
TBS <Snake>: That's why I have to attack the guards diagonally.
> DARPA chief: Really? It's true... You don't look like one of them.
In that
> case, hurry up and get me out of here.
> Snake: Slow down.
TBS <chief>: Geeeeet... meeeeee... ouuuuut... of heeeeere.
> Don't worry. First I want some information... about
> the terrorists.
> DARPA chief: The terrorists?
WAND: OKAY! This is the last straw!
ZEMYLA: Huh?
WAND: Most of the questions in this script is immediately followed by a repeat of the earlier question! Are all these people deaf or something?
[A short pause.]
MMK, GAVOK, & TBS: Deaf?
[WAND growls and pulls out a sword with intent to maim as he chases the LOONS around the theater.]
VID <over loudspeaker>: STOP THEM!
WF <over loudspeaker>: Time for a Prinny bombing, dood!
[Several penguins fall down from the sky, exploding and knocking the LOONS and WAND out of their chase.]
VID <over loudspeaker>: And where, pray tell, did you get THAT?
WF <over loudspeaker>: ...from a garage sale?
> Snake: Do they really have the ability to launch a nuke?
> DARPA chief: What are you talking about?
ZEM <Snake>: I'm talking about nuclear strikes! Geez!
[WAND and the LOONS return to their seats.]
> Snake: The terrorists are threatening the White House. They say if they
> don't accede to their demands they'll launch a nuclear weapon.
> DARPA chief: Sweet Jesus...
VIPER <Snake>: No, the Fatman mark 3. We're saving the Sweet Jesus for Australia.
> Snake: Is it possible?!
GAVOK <chief>: What, Sweet Jesus? I guess if you dipped him in enough sugar...
> DARPA chief: ... It's possible. They... could launch a nuke.
> (The woman in the next cell here this bit of information and stops the
> sit-ups she was doing.)
WAND: Yes, because whenever I'm captured by terrorists, my first priority is
*exercise*!
> Snake: How do they plan to launch? I though this place was just for
> keeping the dismantled warheads. They shouldn't have access to
> a missile...
> DARPA chief: What I'm about to tell you is classified information. Okay?
MMK <Snake>: Okay.
We
> were conducting exercises of a new type of experimental weapon.
> A weapon that will change the world.
MMK <Snake>: AN EXPERIMENTAL WEAPON THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!?
ZEM <chief>: Oh, god...
ZEMYLA <chief>: It's a sword made out of a laser beam. It has the power to deflect bullets.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: A weapon with the ability to launch a nuclear attack from any
> place on the face of the earth. A nuclear equipped, walking
> battle tank.
> Snake: Metal Gear!? It can't be!
GAVOK <Snake>: They split up after the lead guitarist died!
> DARPA chief: ... You knew!? Metal Gear is one of the most secret black
> projects! How did you know that?
WAND <Snake>: I don't know. Maybe the briefing I had before I came here?
VIPER <chief>: Nope. Not a mention of it in the briefing. See? [shows WAND <Snake> the script]
WAND <Snake>: ...huh. My bad. Okay, my line is...
> Snake: We've had a couple of run-ins in the past. So that's the reason
> you were here at this disposal site?
> DARPA chief: Why else would I come to a God-forsaken place like this.
MMK: Good gas prices?
GAVOK: Because it's there?
> Snake: I had heard the Metal Gear project was scrapped.
> DARPA chief: On the contrary, it has grown into a huge joint project between
> ArmsTech and ourselves. We were going to use this exercise as
> raw data and then proceed to mass production. If it hadn't been
> for the revolution.
> Snake: Revolution... ?
VIPER <Guitar Wolf>: DA ROCK AN' *RAOOOOOOOOL* REVORUTIAAAAAAAAAAAN!
> DARPA chief: Rex has fallen into the hands of terrorists.
GAVOK: Little does Speed realize that Racer X is in actuality his brother Rex Racer, ah!
> Snake: Rex?
> (A guard takes notice of the conversation in the cell and slowly creeps
> to the door.)
> DARPA chief: Metal Gear Rex, the codename for the new Metal Gear prototype.
> They're probably already finished aiming the warhead they plan to
> use with Rex.
VIPER <terrorist>: Here, Rex! Fetch the warhead!
> These guys are pros. They're all experienced in
> handling and equipping weapons.
> (The guard bangs on the door.)
GAVOK <chief>: Occupied!
> Guard: Hey! Shut up in there willya!
> (The DARPA chief waves him away, and Snake comes out from his hiding
> place by the doorway.)
> Snake: But I thought that all nuclear warheads were equipped with safety
> measures. Some kind of detonation code that you have to input.
> DARPA chief: Oh, you mean PAL. Yes, of course, there is a PAL. It's set up
> so that you need to input two different passwords in order to
> launch the device.
WAND <Snake>: Jesus, no wonder people like NTSC better.
> Snake: There are two passwords?
> DARPA chief: Yes. Baker knows one and I know one.
> Snake: Baker? The president of ArmsTech?
MMK <chief>: No, the guy who makes my bread. He's a trusting guy, so I figured, what the hell.
> DARPA chief: That's right. Each of us has to input our password or there can
> be no launch. But... they found out my password.
> Snake: You talked?
GAVOK <interrogator>: If you tell me the password, I'll give you a Klondike Bar.
> DARPA chief: Psycho Mantis can read people's minds. You can't resist.
> Snake: Psycho Mantis?
> DARPA chief: One of the members of FOX-HOUND. He has psychic powers.
VIPER <Snake>: Now see, I thought he was TELEKINETIC.
> Snake: ...This is bad...
VIPER: But he comes with a free frogurt!
> DARPA chief: It's just a matter of time before they get Baker's too.
> Snake: If they find out Baker's password...
WAND: Then they can play as Samus in just her underwear.
> DARPA chief: Yes. They'll be able to launch a nuke anytime.
[VIPER giggles like a idiot.]
WAND: [sighs] What?
VIPER: Your lines worked perfectly with that. [giggles]
But there is a
> way to stop the launch.
> Snake: What?
> DARPA chief: The card keys.
ZEMYLA: So Snake is going to have to go down a long corridor to get a card key,
which he then takes back to near the entrance to open another corridor leading
to the exit?
[That was the most irritating part about Doom. -Zem]
> DARPA chief: They were designed by ArmsTech, the system developers as
> an emergency override. Even without the passwords, you can just
> insert the card keys and engage the safety lock.
> Snake: And if I do that?
> DARPA chief: Yes. You can stop the launch.
> (The woman in the next cell hears this.)
> Woman: That card key... ?
> Snake: So where are the keys?
GAVOK <chief>: In the couch cushions.
> DARPA chief: Baker should have them. Listen. You need three card keys. There
> are three different slots to put them in. You need to insert a
> card into each one of them.
WAND: My GOD. The show of intelligence here is absolutely ASTOUNDING.
ZEM: Sarcastic much?
WAND: Me? NEVER!
> Snake: Okay three card keys. Do you know where they mught be keeping
> Baker?
> DARPA chief: Somewhere in the 2nd floor basement.
> Snake: 2nd floor basement?
ALL: SECOND FLOOR BASEMENT!!!
GAVOK: God!
> DARPA chief: I heard the guard say they moved him to an area that has a lot of
> electronic jamming.
[VIPER hums some techno and raves.]
> Snake: Any other clues?
MMK <chief>: There are these cartoony, blue paw prints.
> DARPA chief: Yes... they cemented over the entrances but but didn't have
> enough time to paint over them. Why don't you look for the areas
> where the walls are a different cover?
VIPER <chief>: Also, you won't make a grunting noise when you push against it.
> (The DARPA chief gets up and fishes something out of his pocket.)
[Everyone shrieks and shields their eyes]
ALL: NOOO!
> DARPA chief: Here, take this. It's my ID card.
ALL: Phew.
> It'll open any level one
> security door. It's called a PAN card.
ZEMYLA: And as soon as he takes it, he turns into a satyr.
> It works together with
> your body's own electrical field.
> Snake: Personal Area Network, huh?
> DARPA chief: It transmits data using the salts in your body as the
> transmission medium. As you approach the door's security devices
> they'll read the data stored in the card.
> Snake: And the doors will open automatically, gotcha. OK. I'm going to
> get you out of here.
> DARPA chief: Wait a minute.
> Snake: What is it?
GAVOK <chief>: A measuring of time made up of sixty seconds.
> DARPA chief: You haven't heard of another way to disarm the PAL, have you?
> From your bosses or anyone.
> Snake: No.
> DARPA chief: Are you sure you haven't heard anything?
> Snake: I just said no.
WAND: I'm trying to resist the urge, really I am...
> DARPA chief: So, does the White House plan to give in to the terrorists
> demands?
> Snake: That's their problem. It has nothing to do with my orders.
> DARPA chief: But... what about the Pentagon?
> Snake: Pentagon?
[WAND growls and rips the arm off of his seat.]
> (The DARPA chief grabs at his chest and starts to spasm.)
> DARPA chief: Nnnnnnghhhhhh!
> Snake: What is it!?
> DARPA chief: Ww... Why? Uuuuuughhhh!
TBS: My first guess would be all the cheeseburgers.
> (The woman in the cell hears the chief cry out and becomes alarmed.
> She starts to bang on the wall and the door.)
> Woman: What's that!? Hey! What happened!?
> (After struggling a little bit longer the chief finally dies and
> slumps to the ground at Snake's feet. The woman stops banging on
> the door. Snake reaches down to feel the chief's pulse, nothing.)
VIPER <singing>: ...I went to take her hand, I couldn't feel a pulse...
> Snake: Hmmmm...
MMK <Snake>: I bet I could get away with stealing his wallet.
Hey. My name's Sherlock. I've been shadow-MiSTing for Quasispace for a while, but they're really not doing anything right now, so I thought I'd see what was going on at MOT. I see it's also pretty lax here, but you at least have some recent MiSTing activity.
So, yeah, I'm Sherlock. My avatar is a brownish tiger-like alien with human characteristics (human face, walks erect, etc). He is generally kind, but often gets angry if one of his friends is injured or made fun of. He is a master at his race's martial arts, which also utilizes ice magic. However, on Earth, the magic can't drain from the natural energy source of his home planet, so using it drains from his physical strength. His magic is powerful enough to create a field of absolute zero for a few seconds, but it would most likely leave his entire body numb and mostly inoperable for at least an hour. Otherwise, he is quite strong, and he is very agile. He can be distracted with any kind of unprocessed meat, and he is open to making puns and wisecracks. He is also very good at mocking abbreviations. He hates self-important people and is inclined to suddenly turn into a snowman in times of intense emotion or if he sneezes. He'll even have a carrot nose, somehow.
I hope I didn't leave anything out. Anyway, I hope to get to know you all, and I hope you will accept me as one of your own.
[Watches blankly as you come out of the dark with glowing eyes, holding hatchets and lengths of rope]