Welcome to Mystery Octagon Theater's message board, where we write our MiSTings. Please read these guidelines:
before you submit a MiSTing post, make sure that you've checked your spelling. Please, as a favor to your long-suffering editor, adhere to the MOT Style Guide as much as possible, DAMMIT.
MOT is usually peopled by six to eight self-insertions. To get into the theater, call dibs when a new episode begins.
How to MiST: when someone posts part of a 'fic to be worked on, reply to that message with your jokes. When a section has been thoroughly worked over, we move on.
please do not impersonate another user or post anonymously. Evil twins are strictly prohibited.
all comments, compliments, and criticism relating to our MiSTings are encouraged and welcome on this board.
we are usually up to our collective ass in interested newbies. To handle these individuals, there is Quasispace, also known as the MOT B-Team. If you're interested in writing for MOT, go there.
if you attempt to post and receive a "document contained no data" error message, do not hit the "send" button again. That error message means that your post made it to the network54.com server, but the server's return message was garbled. Simply reload the main board, and your post should be there. This is what usually causes the double-posts in here.
Updates [3/1/2005]: several eps are in the editing stage, and will go up when I next update the site.
The plan, such as it is, is for ep. 205 to be a MiSTing of the script for Metal Gear Solid. Nick is the Mad with TV's Austin as his lackey; theater meat includes Gavok, MMK, TBS, and Wanderer, with n00bs Viper and Zemyla. You may wish to get it started, monkeypants.
Admins: Thomas Wilde (Wanderer), the Black Snotling
Ow. Fuck. Ow. Fuck.
by
That... Fic... Ya' know, Wandy... When I first heard you say Dave&Dyne was the worst fic you guys had ever done; I thought you were joking. But now... But now... Ow. Fuck. Ow. Just... Ow. I had _no_ idea a non-lemon could ever be that painful. All in all; it ended up being much worse than most PJ fics. I used to think that was an impossibility; but you have proved me wrong. Thank you, all. Now, does anyone have any cyanide?
True, true. It could have been 'Deathscar.' *Shudders; takes own life* n/t
by
Note: If you don't know about Deathscar; count yourself lucky. But my point is; Deathscar was a lemon. Dave&Dyne wasn't. Deathscar = PJ + Tsunai + OH GOD THE DICKS. Anyway; sorry.
There's a reason I stopped MiSTing it halfway through. This fic broke me, plain and simple. Reading is one thing. But when you're MiSTing you have to read it in depth. After a while I just couldn't take it and had to stay away.
Gavok
Some guy I don't know made RPG sprites of me. The fuck?
>Some guy I don't know made RPG sprites of me. The fuck?
I'll take the flack for this one, mostly because it's the first real work I've done for the RPG. Over in Quasispace we're making a Quasispace RPG with RPGM2k, and I figured that Gavok and the MMK should be part of a prolouge to the game. It all kinda spiraled out of control at that point.
Oh, and there is a chance that we could include other MOT characters. Next time I'll play nice and ask permission first.
Don't try and take the blame, Lainer. I even considered asking him, and didn't. Very rude of me, it was. I apologize for overstepping my bounds... and like he said, I/we'll be sure to ask next time.
I'm the one who told Max how to get in touch with Gavok. I'm the one who directed him to Gavok's site so he'd have a reference when he made the sprite. I'm the one who said something along the lines of "If you want, I'll E-mail Gavok for permission myself." (Not that he knows me, either. It's just that I'm used to introducing myself to Ballad/MOT regulars by asking for permission.)
I'm the one who sat around waiting for Max to tell me to send the E-mail.
Sorry about that, Gavok.
Next time, I'll personally make sure permission is granted before starting, or at least before any significant amount of work has been done.
Len Hutchins, Achika Shannon, M'yl'ya Kyn'obi of Hyeruul (seriously), Padme Naberrie, and Darths Sidious, Maul and Vader in "Road Movie to Naboo" (hence the title of this post).
As I read the rules, you can write riffs, but only if you've been reading IFR for long enough to know the characters' voices. Also, you have to call it in advance if you want your character (in your case, Alair, I seem to recall that would be Krinn) to be in either the theatre or the booth. I *think* it's also considered polite for such first-timers to leave it to the judgment of the established writing crew, but that's more a matter of custom than of any real Iron Law of MiSTing.
Austin, and good day.
(Did I leave out anything important?)
I'm already at Quasispace and Krinn is Krinn's, not mine. I'm not interested in being in the theater but I would rather like to try riffing Hutchins, and I have read the character sheets.
There's really no limit to who wants to MST right now. Fact is, we were trying to encourage shadowMSTing from people (such as Zetaszol, for instance, who seemed to have disappeared after going all dramatic. Where are you? ^^;;). As long as the jokes are okay and done in good taste (no excessive author-bashing, etc.). Oh, and read the IFR style guide... we can always just edit out something we don't like. ^_^
Of course, you'll have to use the avatars already in the theater. No seats available as of now.
Handy list of Avatars:
Jonatan
MMK
NeoVid
Ranma X
Rebecca
S.D. Ryukage
Tango
Vidstudent
Let's see... ep. 113 is done, unless MMK wants to get his last licks in. Speaking of, MMK, how busy are you, and do you want someone else to take those end sketches off your hands?
Speaking of licking (heh heh heh), "Hopelessly Lost" is over at the IFR board, as mentioned above. Myself and Shady are the only MOT people who've represented, so go represent. It's Hutchins! How could you resist?
As for ep. 201, we'll get to that when we're good and ready. :)
I'd like to go over the last few installments (7 on), since I was unfortunately too busy to do much with some of the middle ones.
Before you ask, yes, I posted at QS, helped with the obscure riffs and editing... well, I figured my first priority was there, since I'd promised to help with those episodes first.
Anyways, I'll likely go in a frenzy of posting on those chapters tomorrow... I'd do one or two tonight, but I don't want to step on any toes. If you'd rather I didn't change it, that's okay, I'll just try to catch the next one.
I've got a half finished chapter sitting in my mail box that I've been trying to get a moment to go through. College work load seems to have gone up over the past two weeks...
I feel guilty only riffing like, two chapters. It would be cool if I could get to just one more, at least... I just haven't had shit for time recently.
I've sent a compiled draft to Wanderer and MMK for their approval, just to let you guys know...so if you have any last riffs, speak now or bugger off or something.
Any chance you could repost under-riffed segments of episode 113? You know, so that us lazy slackers don't unintentionally update old threads that were already compiled/editted/finalized?
Oh, and guys! Hutchins fic over at the IFR board! Free for all to riff! All welcome! :)
http://network54.com/hide/forum/51339
(Geeze, I thought he was easy to riff. ^^; Turns out Hopelessly Lost is a harder nut to crack, though.)
I've got ahold of the rough draft right now; if you wanna add riffs to it, I'll pass it to you as soon as I'm done (which won't be very long) and you can do your thing. If anyone else wants it after that, you can pass it along to them.
I'm not entirely sure I have your e-mail address, so... address? ^_^
In fact, looking at my email right now, may I just say: whoops. Uh, sorry about not prereading NH for you. I suck. ^_^
But suck as I may, I'll still get the rough copy to you ASAP. 'Kay?
Sure, no problem. ^_^ I'll email Wanderer about it, too, provided he doesn't reply to this first.
Don't worry about the New Haven chapter. I understand you guys can get busy in RL. :) No biggie. (Though a review would be nice, hint hint. Preferably on the IM board.)
...or at least, not since last I checked my email. I'm going to check it again later. ^_^ So, it's still good. Either send me your email addresses through the email or post them on this board and I'll send you guys (gals?) the copy after I add a few riffs... might also help out with the editting if I get nitpicky, but that's *if*. ^_^
MMK hasn't sent you the fic yet, good sir, because he sucks and is lame. ^_^
I still haven't gotten around to that last little bit of 113 yet; I keep *meaning* to, by damn, but it's so rare for me to actually be busy in real life that I've really forgotten how to go about it properly. You know how it is. ^_^
So, yes. Upon my finishing up, I will be sending it to Mark; eon and 'Mera can decide who gets it first after that and then have Mark send it to 'em.
Of course, *all* my schedules and plans sound good when they're in theory like that. ^^
Gone but not forgotten: the Otaku Group (possible eventual fodder)
by
So, on a whim, I was reading *all* the old posts on this board (so I could get an idea of when various MiSTings came to pass, and what was going on in the meantime, for use in the eventual episode guide), and I stumbled across something Shady said over a year ago:
<< I really *do* need to track down that UF ripoff again one of these days... >>
I don't remember if I said this at the time, but I think she's talking about "Otaku Rising" by J. Daedalus "Jon, Corinthian" Govoni and Mario "DigiCom" DiGiacomo. It features a cameo by the Wayward Son and a reference to the destruction of Worcester. It has Desslok as the villain (ironic contrast with SoS). It has two separate sequel continuities (Cor's mainline "Otaku Group" and DigiCom's variant "Otaku Files"). Best of all, DC himself was still on the Net not long before Shady's post (he'd recently acknowledged a shout-out I gave him at the end of one of my prose adaptations), and may still be, so we could ask him for permission (if I hadn't left his address in my other email account).
<< I was referring to 'Serendipity', by Philip Moyer. >>
Just because I rambled on about OR doesn't mean I was unprepared for the possibility I could be wrong. But I have to admit, I *was* kind of assuming I was right until and unless someone corrected me, and I thank you for doing so (gods know I could use it many a time).
<< Read. Twitch. Compare to UF. >>
My goofy meter broke on the line "Expository Dialogue, [name I've forgotten]. It has to go somewhere." Might be an interesting project at some later point.
Austin, and good day.
(Acknowledgements thanking the provisional government of Bajor. Is *that* why the Bajor that B6 orbits is [apparently] wormhole-less?)
It's the least funny funny thing ever, now, in "Yuffie" part six!
by
> (in the tunnel)
>
> Barret: Which door foo'!?
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
> Vincent: Shut up....
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice) Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
> Link: My dream's finally coming true!!!!
> Zelda: Help!!! Rape!!! RAPE!!!!
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
>
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes. Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!! It's
> da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
>
> (down in the chamber)
>
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon) Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
>
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid, is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
>
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
>
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
>
So if it's a half-assed job half-done, then is it... ah, forget it...
by
> (in the tunnel)
>
> Barret: Which door foo'!?
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you don't use any commas
because we need to save all our punctuation for other sentences
with far far too many exclamation points and question marks!
[gasps for breath]
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
> Vincent: Shut up....
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice) Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little
like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped
princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
R.JAK: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something
like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[R.JAK starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the
snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
> Link: My dream's finally coming true!!!!
> Zelda: Help!!! Rape!!! RAPE!!!!
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and they must climb it, for
climbing walls is what they must do, as the climbing is a
requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, and it can be
climbed, then they must climb it, so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
>
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
SAMAS: That's a rather strange location for a power switch...
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough
to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the
wall!
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your
sword with power!
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of
death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything
useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes. Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
EON <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
SIG: Tempting, but... I'll pass.
> It's
> da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: Oh boy. John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
>
> (down in the chamber)
>
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst!
Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
>
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid, is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
>
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He
only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
>
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
>
And yet another wonderful example of "humorous" rape. God, I hate this series.
by
> (in the tunnel)
>
> Barret: Which door foo'!?
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you don't use any commas
because we need to save all our punctuation for other sentences
with far far too many exclamation points and question marks!
[gasps for breath]
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
SIG: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA been choreographed.
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
> Vincent: Shut up....
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice) Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little
like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped
princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
R.JAK: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something
like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[R.JAK starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the
snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
> Link: My dream's finally coming true!!!!
> Zelda: Help!!! Rape!!! RAPE!!!!
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and they must climb it, for
climbing walls is what they must do, as the climbing is a
requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, and it can be
climbed, then they must climb it, so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
SAMAS: That's a rather strange location for a power switch...
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough
to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the
wall!
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your
sword with power!
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of
death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything
useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes. Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
EON <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
SIG: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
SIG: Tempting, but... I'll pass.
> It's
> da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: Oh boy. John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
>
> (down in the chamber)
>
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst!
Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ... rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
>
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid, is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He
only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
>
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you don't use any commas
because we need to save all our punctuation for other sentences
with far far too many exclamation points and question marks!
[gasps for breath]
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
SIG: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little
like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped
princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
R.JAK: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something
like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[R.JAK starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the
snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
> Link: My dream's finally coming true!!!!
> Zelda: Help!!! Rape!!! RAPE!!!!
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as
climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed,
as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall,
it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
SAMAS: That's a rather strange location for a power switch...
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough
to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the
wall!
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your
sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of
death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything
useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
EON <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
SIG: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
SIG: Tempting, but... I'll pass.
> It's
> da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: Oh boy. John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
>
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst!
Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ... rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
>
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
R.JAK: Speak for your goddamn self.
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He
only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
R.JAK <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you don't use any commas because we need to save all our punctuation for other sentences
with far far too many exclamation points and question marks! [gasps for breath]
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
SIG: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
ALL: Dun dun dun duuuunnn!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
R.JAK: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[R.JAK starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
SIG: Tonight on "Things People Don't Really Say in Real Life..."
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed,
as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
TBS: Looks like Barret is being possessed by the Dialogue of Chris(tm).
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
SAMAS: That's a rather strange location for a power switch...
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
SIG: Real creative there, lady.
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough
to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the
wall!
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your
sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
EON <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
SIG: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
{Was that spelling of Sephiroth a typo or just some new Dave and Dyne character? -M.Poa}
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
SIG: Ancients must be part frog. [Grimaces]
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
T.OGRE: This group of heroes' favorite move seems to be the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Special Skill...
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
SIG: Tempting, but... I'll pass.
> It's
> da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: It's the latest rage from Paris...
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: Oh boy. John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
>
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst!
Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
[SAMAS pauses.]
SAMAS: Why did I suddenly get the urge to ask "Pat, can I buy a vowel?"
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
>
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
R.JAK: Speak for your goddamn self.
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
R.JAK <Grahf>: The gun isn't loaded, numbnuts!
EON <Cid>: Oh. Then I'll take some bullets then.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Sure. Here you go.
[R.JAK <Grahf> mimics handing bullets to EON <Cid>, who mimics loading the gun.]
EON <Cid>: Okay, let's do this again.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Fuck.
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG <Barret>: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
[SAMAS fidgets and stands up.]
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence. SAMAS sits back again.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
R.JAK <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
Yeah, I'm screaming rape too...to my sensibilities
by
> (in the tunnel)
>
> Barret: Which door foo'!?
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you don't use any commas because we need to save all our punctuation for other sentences with far far too many exclamation points and question marks! [gasps for breath]
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
R.JAK: That's...erm...comfortable.
SIG: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
ALL: Dun dun dun duuuunnn!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
R.JAK: Our noble heroes...oy...
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
T.OGRE: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[T.OGRE starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
SIG: Tonight on "Things People Don't Really Say in Real Life..."
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
R.JAK: You know, saying "wee-wee" instead of "penis" actually DOES make the scene funnier.
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
TBS: Now kiss and make up!
SIG: Now COME ON! Sue his ass, Zelda!
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed,
as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
T.OGRE: I'm surprised that they didn't stop to have a peeing contest on it.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
TBS: Looks like Barret is being possessed by the Dialogue of Chris(tm).
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
R.JAK: What the hell? Can ANY woman confirm that?
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
SIG: Real creative there, lady.
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the wall!
R.JAK: Okay, now you're just being too damn sarcastic for my tastes.
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
TBS: Vincent, get some better characterization NOW!
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
TBS: Correction. WE'D be dead by now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
EON <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
SIG: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
T.OGRE <note>: The OTHER sun, dips**t.
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
SIG: Ancients must be part frog. [Grimaces]
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
T.OGRE: This group of heroes' favorite move seems to be the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Special Skill...
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
SIG: Tempting, but... I'll pass.
> It's da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: It's the latest rage from Paris...
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: Oh boy. John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst! Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
[SAMAS pauses.]
SAMAS: Why did I suddenly get the urge to ask "Pat, can I buy a vowel?"
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
SAMAS <Yuffie>: I had second thoughts! I don't wanna be a thief anymore!
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
T.OGRE: Speak for your goddamn self.
TBS: HEY! Cid is cool!
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
EON <Cid>: Well it WAS kinda hilarious.
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
R.JAK <Cid>: You got a good Sako TRG-21 on stock?
SIG <Grahf>: Erm...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Barrett Light Fifties or a nice Anti-Material Rifle?
SIG <Grahf>: Not really...
R.JAK <Cid>: Steyr Tactical Machine Pistol?
SIG <Grahf>: Afraid we're out of those, sir.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Avenger autocannons with that gatling barrel that...
SIG <Grahf>: ...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: Erm...Gyrojet?
SIG <Grahf>: Not in this area.
R.JAK <Cid>: Heavy bolter?
SIG <Grahf>: That's Warhammer weapons you're thinking about. Citan takes care of those.
(continue please)
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
R.JAK <Grahf>: The gun isn't loaded, numbnuts!
EON <Cid>: Oh. Then I'll take some bullets then.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Sure. Here you go.
[R.JAK <Grahf> mimics handing bullets to EON <Cid>, who mimics loading the gun.]
EON <Cid>: Okay, let's do this again.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Fuck.
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG <Barret>: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
EON: And it's time for you to BOOGIE! (dances)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
[SAMAS fidgets and stands up.]
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence. SAMAS sits back again.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
T.OGRE <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you don't use any commas because we need to save all our punctuation for other sentences with far far too many exclamation points and question marks! [gasps for breath]
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
R.JAK: That's...erm...comfortable.
SIG: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
[Ominous crackle of thunder]
ALL: Dun dun dun duuuunnn!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
R.JAK: Our noble heroes...oy...
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
T.OGRE: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[T.OGRE starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
SIG: Tonight on "Things People Don't Really Say in Real Life..."
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
R.JAK: You know, saying "wee-wee" instead of "penis" actually DOES make the scene funnier.
[Okay, I've read Sailor Moon vs Avalanche and now this, someone please tell me that Dave/Dyne don't pull this "joke" a third time... -Alair]
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
TBS: Now kiss and make up!
SIG: Now COME ON! Sue his ass, Zelda!
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed,
as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
T.OGRE: I'm surprised that they didn't stop to have a peeing contest on it.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
TBS: Looks like Barret is being possessed by the Dialogue of Chris (tm).
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
R.JAK: What the hell? Can ANY woman confirm that?
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
SIG: Real creative there, lady.
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the wall!
R.JAK: Okay, now you're just being too damn sarcastic for my tastes.
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
T.OGRE: Again, "Too. Much. Information".
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
[R.JAK looks to the left, pauses, and looks to the right]
R.JAK: I don't see him anywhere.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
TBS: Vincent, get some better characterization NOW!
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
TBS: Correction. WE'D be dead by now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
EON <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
SIG: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
T.OGRE <note>: The OTHER sun, dips**t.
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
SIG: Ancients must be part frog. [Grimaces]
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
T.OGRE: This group of heroes' favorite move seems to be the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Special Skill...
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
[Mmm, my Dragon Ball Z knowledge is a bit iffy at the finer points, but isn't "Solar Flare" just a dazzle attack, not an actual projectile? Anyone?]
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
[It's probably just as well, I think we've hit quota. -Alair]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
SIG: Tempting, but... no.
> It's da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: It's the latest rage from Paris...
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
SIG: You've been up to five exclamation marks, it's too late to eavesdrop.
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
SIG <Announcer>: And after a brief stint of blowing stuff up, Vegeta happily returns to being out of character.
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst! Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
[SAMAS pauses.]
SAMAS: Why did I suddenly get the urge to ask "Pat, can I buy a vowel?"
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
SAMAS <Yuffie>: I had second thoughts! I don't wanna be a thief anymore!
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
T.OGRE <Barret>: If it involves blowing up the planet you can forget about it.
SAMAS <Vegeta>: ... oh, poopie.
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
T.OGRE: Speak for your goddamn self.
R.JAK: HEY! Cid is cool!
TBS: Yeah, he's got that cool "Analyze" ability you can use to find out the monsters' weaknesses and he packs a mean hammer!
R.JAK: Wrong Cid.
TBS: Oh, well then he designed the Magi-Tek armors!
R.JAK: Still the wrong Cid.
TBS: He trained SeeDs to battle against the evil Sorceress Ultimecia?
R.JAK: Last chance.
TBS: Built machines to amplify the power of the crystals?
R.JAK: No.
TBS: Well then, this Cid sucks.
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
EON: And his theme song should have given him away.
[EON Starts humming]
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
EON: Well hey, it's still more description than Dav's gotten since this fic began.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
EON <Cid>: Well it WAS kinda hilarious.
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
R.JAK <Cid>: You got a good Sako TRG-21 on stock?
SIG <Grahf>: Erm...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Barrett Light Fifties or a nice Anti-Material Rifle?
SIG <Grahf>: Not really...
R.JAK <Cid>: Steyr Tactical Machine Pistol?
SIG <Grahf>: Afraid we're out of those, sir.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Avenger autocannons with that gatling barrel that...
SIG <Grahf>: ...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: Erm...Gyrojet?
SIG <Grahf>: Not in this area.
R.JAK <Cid>: Heavy bolter?
SIG <Grahf>: That's Warhammer weapons you're thinking about. Citan takes care of those.
(continue please)
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
R.JAK <Grahf>: The gun isn't loaded, numbnuts!
EON <Cid>: Oh. Then I'll take some bullets then.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Sure. Here you go.
[R.JAK <Grahf> mimics handing bullets to EON <Cid>, who mimics loading the gun.]
EON <Cid>: Okay, let's do this again.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Fuck.
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG <Barret>: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
EON <Barret>: Hey, why is 'dis this fuse thing sparklin?
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
EON: And it's time for you to BOOGIE! (dances)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
SIG: ... no. How should they know who Barret is?
[SAMAS fidgets and stands up.]
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence. SAMAS sits back again.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
T.OGRE <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
R.JAK <Gerudo, falsetto>: Eeeek! Naked Boogie Man!
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
And to think I liked this goofy shit before this...
by
> (in the tunnel)
>
> Barret: Which door foo'!?
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you do not use any of the both necessary commas and unnecessary commas because we need to save said commas as well as all of our punctuation for other sentences with far far too many exclamation points and question marks!
R.JAK: Thank you, Mojo Jojo.
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
R.JAK: That's...erm...comfortable.
T.OGRE: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
SIG: Hey, it worked for Darshu and Princess Shiela...
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
SIG <Vincent>: Rub it in, why don't ya...
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
[Ominous crackle of thunder]
ALL: Dun dun dun duuuunnn!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
[SIG sits up with a smug grin.]
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SIG: (eyetwitches) ...
R.JAK: Our noble heroes...oy...
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
T.OGRE: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[T.OGRE starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
SIG: (gnashing teeth) Tonight on "Things People Don't Really Say in Real Life..."
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
R.JAK: You know, saying "wee-wee" instead of "penis" actually DOES make the scene funnier.
SIG: (slowly simmering) ...
[Okay, I've read Sailor Moon vs Avalanche and now this, someone please tell me that Dave/Dyne don't pull this "joke" a third time... -Alair]
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
TBS: Now kiss and make up!
SIG: (nearly boiling over) Now COME ON! Sue his ass, Zelda!
R.JAK: I sense a deep feeling of hostility. Would you like to talk about it?
SIG: (glaring) You like catgirls. I like elfin maidens. Back off.
R.JAK: But don't you like cat--
SIG: Correction, *he* likes them more.
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed, as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
SIG: Vegeta, who was impaled by the grapple, died slowly, but not before reducing Link into a lump of mass so small that it would fit a thimble.
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
T.OGRE: I'm surprised that they didn't stop to have a peeing contest on it.
SIG: I'm surprised it was even mentioned by the story.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
TBS: Looks like Barret is being possessed by the Dialogue of Chris (tm).
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
R.JAK: What the hell? Can ANY woman confirm that?
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
SIG: Real creative there, "princess".
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the wall!
R.JAK: Okay, now you're just being too damn sarcastic for my tastes.
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
R.JAK: Bah. Black Mage does it better.
EON: But he can only do it once per day.
TBS <Vegeta>: I'm telling you, it's all glandular!
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
T.OGRE: Again, "Too. Much. Information".
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
[R.JAK looks to the left, pauses, and looks to the right]
R.JAK: I don't see him anywhere.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
TBS: Vincent, get some better characterization NOW!
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
TBS: Correction. WE'D be dead by now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
EON <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
SIG: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
[Everyone groans.]
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
T.OGRE <note>: The OTHER sun, dips**t.
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
EON: Or the second. Or at any point of this fic, for that matter...
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
SIG: Ancients must be part frog. [Grimaces]
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
T.OGRE: This group of heroes' favorite move seems to be the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Special Skill...
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
[Mmm, my Dragon Ball Z knowledge is a bit iffy at the finer points, but isn't "Solar Flare" just a dazzle attack, not an actual projectile? Anyone?]
Sig: Not to imply any deep-seated knowledge of Dragon Ball Z, but yes, it is not a projectile. And even if it is, Vegeta and everyone whose eyes weren't protected at that very moment the Solar Flare attack is executed would have been permanently blinded, considering Vegeta's tendency not to hold back -- but I'm just ranting...
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
[It's probably just as well, I think we've hit quota. -Alair]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
R.JAK: Tempting, but... no.
SIG: Let me get the Adamantium Paddle(TM) first.
> It's da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: It's the latest rage from Paris...
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
SIG: You've been up to five exclamation marks, it's too late to eavesdrop.
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
SIG <Announcer>: And after a brief stint of blowing stuff up, Vegeta happily returns to being out of character. (normal) Dammit.
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst! Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
[SAMAS pauses.]
SAMAS: Why did I suddenly get the urge to ask "Pat, can I buy a vowel?"
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
TBS: Two words -- Author's Favorite. No da?
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
SAMAS <Yuffie>: I had second thoughts! I don't wanna be a thief anymore!
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
T.OGRE <Barret>: If it involves blowing up the planet you can forget about it.
SAMAS <Vegeta>: ... oh, poopie.
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
T.OGRE: Speak for your goddamn self.
R.JAK: HEY! Cid is cool!
TBS: Yeah, he's got that cool "Analyze" ability you can use to find out the monsters' weaknesses and he packs a mean hammer!
R.JAK: Wrong Cid.
TBS: Oh, well then he designed the Magi-Tek armors!
R.JAK: Still the wrong Cid.
TBS: He trained SeeDs to battle against the evil Sorceress Ultimecia?
R.JAK: Last chance.
TBS: Built machines to amplify the power of the crystals?
R.JAK: No.
TBS: Well then, this Cid sucks.
SIG: He could be that kickass martial artist and heretical archm--
R.JAK: *Not* another word.
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
EON: And his theme song should have given him away.
[EON Starts humming]
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
EON: Well hey, it's still more description than Dav's gotten since this fic began.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
EON <Cid>: Well it WAS kinda hilarious.
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
R.JAK <Cid>: You got a good Sako TRG-21 on stock?
SIG <Grahf>: Erm...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Barrett Light Fifties or a nice Anti-Material Rifle?
SIG <Grahf>: Not really...
R.JAK <Cid>: Steyr Tactical Machine Pistol?
SIG <Grahf>: Afraid we're out of those, sir.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Avenger autocannons with that gatling barrel that...
SIG <Grahf>: ...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: Erm...Gyrojet?
SIG <Grahf>: Not in this area.
R.JAK <Cid>: Heavy bolter?
SIG <Grahf>: That's Warhammer weapons you're thinking about. Citan takes care of those.
R.JAK <Cid>: Not even a Fuser?
SIG <Grahf>: Sorry, no magestones available for the only one in stock I've got.
(continue please)
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
R.JAK <Grahf>: The gun isn't loaded, numbnuts!
EON <Cid>: Oh. Then I'll take some bullets then.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Sure. Here you go.
[R.JAK <Grahf> mimics handing bullets to EON <Cid>, who mimics loading the gun.]
EON <Cid>: Okay, let's do this again.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Fuck.
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG <Barret>: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
EON <Barret>: Hey, why is 'dis this fuse thing sparklin?
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
EON: And it's time for you to BOOGIE! (dances)
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
SIG: ... no. How should they know who Barret is?
[SAMAS fidgets and stands up.]
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence. SAMAS sits back again.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
T.OGRE <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
R.JAK <Gerudo, falsetto>: Eeeek! Naked Boogie Man!
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you do not use any of the both necessary commas and unnecessary commas because we need to save said commas as well as all of our punctuation for other sentences with far far too many exclamation points and question marks!
R.JAK: Thank you, Mojo Jojo.
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
[ALL winces.]
R.JAK: That's...erm...comfortable.
T.OGRE: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
SIG <shrugs>: Hey, it worked for Darshu and Princess Shiela...
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
SIG <Vincent>: Rub it in, why don't ya...
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
[*Ominous crackle of thunder*]
ALL: Dun dun dun duuuunnn!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG <Cop>: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
[SIG sits up with crossed arms and a smug grin.]
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SIG <eyetwitches>: ...
R.JAK: Our noble heroes...oy...
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
T.OGRE: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[T.OGRE starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
[SIG tightly grips the armrests.]
SIG <gnashes teeth>: Tonight on "Things People Don't Really Say in Real Life..."
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
R.JAK: You know, saying "wee-wee" instead of "penis" actually DOES make the scene funnier.
SIG <slowly simmrs>: ...
[Okay, I've read Sailor Moon vs Avalanche and now this, someone please tell me that Dave/Dyne don't pull this "joke" a third time... -Alair]
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
TBS: Now kiss and make up!
SIG <nearly boils over>: Now COME ON! Sue his ass, Zelda!
R.JAK: I sense a deep feeling of hostility. Would you like to talk about it?
SIG <glares>: You like catgirls. I like elfin maidens. Back off.
R.JAK: But don't you like cat--
SIG: Correction, *he* likes them more.
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed, as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
SIG: Vegeta, who was impaled by the grapple, died slowly, but not before reducing Link into a lump of mass so small that it would fit a thimble.
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
T.OGRE: I'm surprised that they didn't stop to have a peeing contest on it.
SIG: I'm surprised it was even mentioned by the story.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!! (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
TBS: Looks like Barret is being possessed by the Dialogue of Chris (tm).
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
R.JAK: What the hell? Can ANY woman confirm that?
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
SIG <snorts>: Real creative there, "princess".
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the wall!
R.JAK: Okay, now you're just being too damn sarcastic for my tastes.
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
R.JAK: Bah. Black Mage does it better.
EON: But he can only do it once per day.
TBS <Vegeta as BM>: I'm telling you, it's all glandular!
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG <chuckles>: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
T.OGRE: Again, "Too. Much. Information".
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
[R.JAK looks to the left, pauses, and looks to the right]
R.JAK: I don't see him anywhere.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
TBS: Vincent, get some better characterization NOW!
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!! Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
TBS: Correction. WE'D be dead by now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
SIG <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
EON: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
[Everyone else groans.]
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
T.OGRE <note>: The OTHER sun, dips**t.
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
EON: Or the second. Or at any point of this fic, for that matter...
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
SIG: Ancients must be part frog.
[SIG grimaces.]
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
T.OGRE: This group of heroes' favorite move seems to be the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Special Skill...
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
[Mmm, my Dragon Ball Z knowledge is a bit iffy at the finer points, but isn't "Solar Flare" just a dazzle attack, not an actual projectile? Anyone?]
SIG: Not to imply any deep-seated knowledge of Dragon Ball Z, but yes, it is not a projectile. And even if it is, Vegeta and everyone whose eyes weren't protected at that very moment the Solar Flare attack is executed would have been permanently blinded, considering Vegeta's tendency not to hold back -- but I'm just ranting...
EON <yawns>: No, please, do go on...
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON: Dude, you should've stayed away from the Kegare...
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
[It's probably just as well, I think we've hit quota. -Alair]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
R.JAK: Tempting, but... no.
SIG: Let me get the Adamantium Paddle(TM) first.
> It's da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: It's the latest rage from Paris...
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
SIG: You've been up to five exclamation marks, it's too late to do any stealth-related actions, much less eavesdrop.
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
SIG <Announcer>: And after a brief stint of blowing stuff up, Vegeta happily returns to being out of character.
[A beat.]
SIG: Dammit.
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst! Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
[SAMAS pauses.]
SAMAS: Why did I suddenly get the urge to ask "Pat, can I buy a vowel?"
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
TBS: Two words -- Author's Favorite. No da?
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
SAMAS <Yuffie>: I had second thoughts! I don't wanna be a thief anymore!
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
T.OGRE <Barret>: If it involves blowing up the planet you can forget about it.
SAMAS <Vegeta>: ... oh, poopie.
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
T.OGRE: Speak for your goddamn self.
R.JAK: HEY! Cid is cool!
TBS: Yeah, he's got that cool "Analyze" ability you can use to find out the monsters' weaknesses and he packs a mean hammer!
R.JAK: Wrong Cid.
TBS: Oh, well then he designed the Magi-Tek armors!
R.JAK: Still the wrong Cid.
TBS: He trained SeeDs to battle against the evil Sorceress Ultimecia?
R.JAK: Last chance.
TBS: Built machines to amplify the power of the crystals?
R.JAK: No.
TBS: Well then, this Cid sucks.
SIG: He could be that kickass martial artist and heretical archm--
R.JAK: *Not* another word.
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
EON: And his theme song should have given him away.
[EON Starts humming]
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
EON: Well hey, it's still more description than Dav's gotten since this fic began.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
EON <Cid>: Well it WAS kinda hilarious.
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
R.JAK <Cid>: You got a good Sako TRG-21 on stock?
SIG <Grahf>: Erm...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Barrett Light Fifties or a nice Anti-Material Rifle?
SIG <Grahf>: Not really...
R.JAK <Cid>: Steyr Tactical Machine Pistol?
SIG <Grahf>: Afraid we're out of those, sir.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Avenger autocannons with that gatling barrel that...
SIG <Grahf>: ...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: Erm...Gyrojet?
SIG <Grahf>: Not in this area.
R.JAK <Cid>: Heavy bolter?
SIG <Grahf>: That's Warhammer weapons you're thinking about. Citan takes care of those.
R.JAK <Cid>: Not even a Fuser?
SIG <Grahf>: Sorry, no magestones available for the only one in stock I've got.
(continue please)
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
R.JAK <Grahf>: The gun isn't loaded, numbnuts!
EON <Cid>: Oh. Then I'll take some bullets then.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Sure. Here you go.
[R.JAK <Grahf> mimics handing bullets to EON <Cid>, who mimics loading the gun.]
EON <Cid>: Okay, let's do this again.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Fuck.
> Cid: Bye! Bye! (blows Grahf's @$$ away)
> Cid: Damn this baby's powerful!!! Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG <Barret>: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
EON <Barret>: Hey, why is 'dis this fuse thing sparklin?
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
EON: And it's time for you to BOOGIE!
[EON dances.]
> Thief 2: Oh it's the Boogie Man!!!!
> Thief 3: I'm scared!!!!!
> Thief 1: He's gonna kidnap us!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
SIG: ... no. How should they know who Barret is?
[SAMAS fidgets and stands up.]
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence. SAMAS sits back again.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
T.OGRE <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
R.JAK <Gerudo, falsetto>: Eeeek! Naked Boogie Man!
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you do not use any of the both necessary commas and unnecessary commas because we need to save said commas as well as all of our punctuation for other sentences with far far too many exclamation points and question marks!
R.JAK: Thank you, Mojo Jojo.
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
[ALL winces.]
R.JAK: That's...erm...comfortable.
T.OGRE: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
SIG <shrugs>: Hey, it worked for Darshu and Princess Shiela...
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
SIG <Vincent>: Rub it in, why don't ya...
TBS <Vincent>: I was trying to be cool and aloof, damnit!
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
SIG: Well, almost. Actually, they kind of ended up wedged together inside of it.
EON <Vegeta>: Let's all go through quickly you say, great plan! I ought to blow up this stinkin' planet right now...
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
[*Ominous crackle of thunder*]
ALL: Dun dun dun duuuunnn!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG <Cop>: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
TBS: I thought they just ate magic shields, I mean, we never saw a naked Link come out from one now did we?
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot screams]
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
[SIG sits up with crossed arms and a smug grin.]
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
EON: As opposed to a nice and butch squeaky voice...
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
SIG <helpfully>: Now, about the "Making them pay"?
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SIG <eyetwitches>: ...
R.JAK: Our noble heroes...oy...
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
T.OGRE: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[T.OGRE starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
[SIG tightly grips the armrests.]
SIG <gnashes teeth>: Tonight on "Things People Don't Really Say in Real Life..."
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
R.JAK: You know, saying "wee-wee" instead of "penis" actually DOES make the scene funnier.
SIG <slowly simmers>: ...
[Okay, I've read Sailor Moon vs Avalanche and now this, someone please tell me that Dave/Dyne don't pull this "joke" a third time... -Alair]
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
TBS: Now kiss and make up!
SIG <nearly boils over>: Now COME ON! Sue his ass, Zelda!
R.JAK: I sense a deep feeling of hostility. Would you like to talk about it?
SIG <glares>: You like catgirls. I like elfin maidens. Back off.
R.JAK: But don't you like cat--
SIG: Correction, *he* likes them more.
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed, as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
TBS <Vegeta>: For one thing, Aeris would kick my f**king *$$. For another, Zelda would kick my f**king *$$. Any questions?
[EON raises his hand]
TBS <Vegeta>: Yes?
EON: Who are you and what have you done with the real Vegeta?
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
TBS <singing>: You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack, homeless on the streets giving hand jobs for crack...
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
SAMAS <confused>: Cheap?
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
SIG: Vegeta, who was impaled by the grapple, died slowly, but not before reducing Link into a lump of mass so small that it would fit a thimble.
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
T.OGRE: I'm surprised that they didn't stop to have a peeing contest on it.
EON: By this point, I'm just surprised they didn't try mating with it...
SIG: I'm surprised it was even mentioned by the story.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
[Am I the only one seeing a Darth Vader line here?]
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!!
TBS <confused>: An evil AHHHHHHHHH!!!?
> (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
T.OGRE: No, they're these grey hands that grab ahold of you and take you back to the begining of the labyrinth.
R.JAK: ... are you sure it's not an exercise machine?
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
TBS: Looks like Barret is being possessed by the Dialogue of Chris (tm).
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
R.JAK: What the hell? Can ANY woman confirm that?
COSMOS, KAO, and ALAIR <Over intercom>: No.
R.JAK: Oh, thank you.
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
R.JAK: Zelda, she knows what *you're* thinking!
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
SIG <snorts>: Real creative there, "princess".
R.JAK: Or, maybe not...
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the wall!
R.JAK: Okay, now you're just being too damn sarcastic for my tastes.
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
R.JAK: Bah. Black Mage does it better.
EON: But he can only do it once per day.
TBS <Vegeta as BM>: I'm telling you, it's all glandular!
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
SIG <Zelda>: Good.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG <chuckles>: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
T.OGRE: Again. Too. Much. Information.
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
[R.JAK looks to the left, pauses, and looks to the right]
R.JAK: Well, I don't see him in here anywhere.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
TBS: Thinking about it later, Link realized that it was funny because Vegeta had told him he was in Hell but he wasn't really in Hell. All he had to do find that out was check and make sure he wasn't in the story anymore.
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
TBS: Vincent, get some better characterization NOW!
SAMAS: Wow, that's practically a plan... I mean, most of what they've done up to now has been running around swearing and farting, and randomly raping, murdering, and utterly disgracing anyone who happened to get in their way.
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!!
TBS <Aeris>: Tee hee, I brought my Liberty Belle costume! How'd you know?
> Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
[*Lightning crashes ominously*, SIG shudders, the Zeek-Bot's screams are heard over the intercom again.]
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
TBS: Correction. WE'D be dead by now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
SIG <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
EON: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
[Everyone else groans.]
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
TBS: Hey! You solve the puzzle your way and we'll solve it ours, thank you very much!
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
T.OGRE <note>: The OTHER sun, dips**t.
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
EON: Or the second. Or at any point of this fic, for that matter...
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
SIG: Ancients must be part frog.
[SIG grimaces.]
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
EON: Oh come on, he's not dangerous unless they're showing an adult video!
TBS: What do you think they're doing with the first sun?
EON: Oh...
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
T.OGRE: This group of heroes' favorite move seems to be the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Special Skill...
[TBS holds up a sign reading "Hey, it's not as easy as it looks!"]
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
EON: Isn't Solar Flare just for dazzling your opponent?
SIG: Not to imply any deep-seated knowledge of Dragon Ball Z, but yes, it is not a projectile. And even if it is, Vegeta and everyone whose eyes weren't protected at that very moment the Solar Flare attack is executed would have been permanently blinded, considering Vegeta's tendency not to hold back -- but I'm just ranting...
R.JAK <yawns>: No, please, do go on...
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON <Zelda>: Apparantly I'm supposed to sacrifice all of you in an Aztec ritual... Cool.
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
[It's probably just as well, I think we've hit quota. -Alair]
[Then again... -Alair]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
R.JAK: Tempting, but... no.
SIG: Let me get the Adamantium Paddle(TM) first.
> It's da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
TBS <announcer>: Coming this Fall, only on Fox!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: It's the latest rage from Paris...
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
SIG: You've been up to five exclamation marks, it's too late to do any stealth-related actions, much less eavesdrop.
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
TBS: You know how when you're climbing the stairs and not looking, and you think there's another step when your foot hits against the ground a moment later then you expected it to and you feel really stupid for a sec?
R.JAK: ... yeah?
TBS: I wonder if that's how they feel all the time?
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
T.OGRE: John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
SIG <Announcer>: And after a brief stint of blowing stuff up, Vegeta happily returns to being out of character.
[A beat.]
SIG: Dammit.
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst! Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
[SAMAS pauses.]
SAMAS: Why did I suddenly get the urge to ask "Pat, can I buy a vowel?"
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
TBS: Two words -- Author's Favorite. No da?
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
SIG: And even if all the noise they've been making hasn't given them away, you'd think the smell would have...
TBS <Nabooru>: Hey, did something die up there or what?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
TBS: Okay thieves?
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
SAMAS <Yuffie>: I had second thoughts! I don't wanna be a thief anymore!
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
SIG <Yuffie>: You see, he's what we call "Special". Very very *Special*.
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
EON: Of course, if Vegeta's here then Cloud's going to be the last of your worries...
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
T.OGRE <Barret>: If it involves blowing up the planet you can just forget about it.
SAMAS <Vegeta>: ... oh, poopie.
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
T.OGRE: Speak for your goddamn self.
R.JAK: HEY! Cid is cool!
TBS: Yeah, he's got that cool "Analyze" ability you can use to find out the monsters' weaknesses and he packs a mean hammer!
R.JAK: Wrong Cid.
TBS: Oh, well then he designed the Magi-Tek armors!
R.JAK: Still the wrong Cid.
TBS: He trained SeeDs to battle against the evil Sorceress Ultimecia?
R.JAK: Last chance.
TBS: Built machines to amplify the power of the crystals?
R.JAK: No.
TBS: Well then, this Cid sucks.
SIG: He could be that kickass martial artist and heretical archm--
R.JAK: *Not* another word.
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
EON: And his theme song should have given him away.
[EON starts humming]
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
EON: Well hey, it's still more description than Dav's gotten since this fic began.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
EON <Fei>: This is for never coming to my ball games, Dad!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
EON <Cid>: Well it WAS kinda hilarious.
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
R.JAK <Cid>: You got a good Sako TRG-21 on stock?
SIG <Grahf>: Erm...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Barrett Light Fifties or a nice Anti-Material Rifle?
SIG <Grahf>: Not really...
R.JAK <Cid>: Steyr Tactical Machine Pistol?
SIG <Grahf>: Afraid we're out of those, sir.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Avenger autocannons with that gatling barrel that...
SIG <Grahf>: ...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: Erm...Gyrojet?
SIG <Grahf>: Not in this area.
R.JAK <Cid>: Heavy bolter?
SIG <Grahf>: That's Warhammer weapons you're thinking about. Citan takes care of those.
R.JAK <Cid>: Not even a Fuser?
SIG <Grahf>: Sorry, no magestones available for the only one in stock I've got.
(continue please)
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
TBS: I don't know, isn't that just about the same price as a headband?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
SAMAS: Remind me again that these are the heros.
TBS: These are the heros.
SAMAS: Damnit, it's not working!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
R.JAK <Grahf>: The gun isn't loaded, numbnuts!
EON <Cid>: Oh. Then I'll take some bullets then.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Sure. Here you go.
[R.JAK <Grahf> mimics handing bullets to EON <Cid>, who mimics loading the gun.]
EON <Cid>: Okay, let's do this again.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Fuck.
> Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG <Barret>: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
EON <Barret>: Hey, why is 'dis this fuse thing sparklin?
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
EON <Vegeta>: Nobody!
TBS <Nabooru>: Oh, all right then!
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
EON: And it's time for you to BOOGIE!
[EON dances.]
EON: ... come to think of it, what does the Boogie Man do anyways?
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
SIG: ... no. How should they know who Barret is?
[SAMAS fidgets and stands up.]
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence. SAMAS sits back again.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
TBS <Watson>: We've searched the stables, the sewers, the out houses. Not a bit of s**t in the city to be found!
SAMAS <Holmes>: This is indeed a most foul and trecherous plot...
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
T.OGRE <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
R.JAK <Gerudo, falsetto>: Eeeek! Naked Boogie Man!
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
TBS <Nabooru pouting>: You're not the real Boogie Man!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
EON: ... clevery hidden in the shadows of the railing.
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
Finally, the free time to return to this, and wish I was dead.
by Chimera
> (in the tunnel)
>
> Barret: Which door foo'!?
TBS <Barret>: Is it going to be door number one, door number two, or doooor number three?
[ALL start shouting at once]
EON: Door number one! NUMBER ONE!
SIG: Number two, all the way!
R.JAK: The box! Go for the box!
SAMAS: Number three! THREEEE!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Uh, er, um... the box!
TBS <Barret>: Congratulations! You've just won yo'self a lifetime supply of Bartweiser!
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Fuck! I knew I should've gone for door number three!
> Zelda: Let's go through the middle one but run as fast as
> you can because if you linger in one place for too long
> that Beamos will fire a laser at you!!!
SIG: You also have to make sure that you do not use any of the both necessary commas and unnecessary commas because we need to save said commas as well as all of our punctuation for other sentences with far far too many exclamation points and question marks!
R.JAK: Thank you, Mojo Jojo.
> Vegeta: Oh you mean like he's about to now?
> Zelda: S**t!! Run everybody!!!
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between the legs and
> runs)
[ALL winces.]
R.JAK: That's...erm...comfortable.
T.OGRE: Um, ow?
EON: That's GOTTA have been choreographed.
SIG <shrugs>: Hey, it worked for Darshu and Princess Shiela...
> Barret: Oh sheet that was close!!!
TBS <Terry Bogard>: Oh my sheet! GEYSER!!
> Vincent: (not paying attention, gets hit by the laser
> beam) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Vegeta: Serves you right for not paying attention!!!!!!!!!
EON: Thanks, helpful story!
> Vincent: Shut up....
SIG <Vincent>: Rub it in, why don't ya...
TBS <Vincent>: I was trying to be cool and aloof, damnit!
> Zelda: Through the door, quickly!!!
> (the six go through the middle door)
SIG: Well, almost. Actually, they kind of ended up wedged together inside of it.
EON <Vegeta>: Let's all go through quickly you say, great plan! I ought to blow up this stinkin' planet right now...
> Barret: Whew!!! We're safe at last!!!!
[*Ominous crackle of thunder*]
ALL: Dun dun dun duuuunnn!!!
> Zelda: Thank goodness! We should be safe for.... AHHHHH!!!
> (a Like Like grabs and swallows Zelda)
[EON makes siren noises.]
SIG <Cop>: Irony police! Pull over!
> Vegeta: Whoa!!!
> Link: Rip her clothes off!!!!
TBS: I thought they just ate magic shields, I mean, we never saw a naked Link come out from one now did we?
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot screams]
> Barret: Hey!! That's not a bad idea!!!
> Vincent: That would be an interesting site.
TBS: I dunno, there may already be a ripherclothesoff.com...
EON: Is that anything like cutoffmyfeet.com?
R.JAK: Nah, I think cutoffmyfeet.com falls in the "fortunately unique" category.
SIG: Testify.
> Zelda: (inside the Like Like) You perverts!!! When I get
> out of here, you'll be sorry!!!!
> Barret: Hurry Vincent!!! Destroy dat' monster so Zelda
> comes out naked!!!!
> Link: Naked Zelda!!! Naked Zelda!!!! Naked Zelda!!!
SAMAS: Our honorable heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
R.JAK: That's GOTTA be a set-up for a bad lemon somewhere.
[SIG sits up with crossed arms and a smug grin.]
> Vincent: (shoots it with his Outsider)
> Like Like: (in a gay squeaky voice)
EON: As opposed to a nice and butch squeaky voice...
> Oh poopy...
> (disintergrates)
EON: Fuck timing: fine humor is all about gay-bashing.
> Zelda: Oh that sucked!!!!!
SIG <helpfully>: Now, about the "Making them pay"?
> Link: I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!! (runs over to Zelda
> and begins raping her)
SIG <eyetwitches>: ...
R.JAK: Our noble heroes...oy...
SAMAS: If Zor the Man wrote lemons, I think they'd go a little like... this.
TBS <Zelda, writing>: Dear Penthouse, I'm the often-kidnapped princess of a small kingdom...
> Vegeta: Turn around guys!!! This could get ugly!!!!
T.OGRE: Well, if it's so ugly, then why don't you do something like... oh, I don't know... PULLING LINK OFF OF ZELDA???
[T.OGRE starts twitching violently.]
SAMAS: You know, its times like this that make me wonder why the snack bar isn't stocked with Valium.
[SIG tightly grips the armrests.]
SIG <gnashes teeth>: Tonight on "Things People Don't Really Say in Real Life..."
> Link: Heeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
> Zelda: If you don't stop raping me, I'm gonna blow off
> your wee wee!!!
> Link: No!!! Not my wee wee!! (gets off of her)
T.OGRE: Something they should teach ALL women how to do in self-defense class.
R.JAK: You know, saying "wee-wee" instead of "penis" actually DOES make the scene funnier.
SIG <slowly simmers>: ...
[Okay, I've read Sailor Moon vs Avalanche and now this, someone please tell me that Dave/Dyne don't pull this "joke" a third time... -Alair]
> Zelda: That's better!!!!!! If you EVER do that again
> you'll live to regret it.... BIG TIME!!!
> Link: Sorry...
TBS: Now kiss and make up!
SIG <nearly boils over>: Now COME ON! Sue his ass, Zelda!
R.JAK: I sense a deep feeling of hostility. Would you like to talk about it?
SIG <glares>: You like catgirls. I like elfin maidens. Back off.
R.JAK: But don't you like cat--
SIG: Correction, *he* likes them more.
> Zelda: Anyway, let's get to this wall over here. It can be
> climbed so let's climb it.
EON <Mojo Jojo>: For it is a wall, and thus they must climb it, as climbing walls is what one must do to a wall which can be climbed, as the climbing is a requirement for this wall, and as it is a wall, it therefore is climbable and must be climbed, and so says MOOOOOOOJO JOJO!!
TBS: Hey, doesn't Link have bombs?
T.OGRE: I think so, yeah...
TBS: ...and the wall is in their way, right?
T.OGRE: Yes, it is. What are you getting at?
TBS: Well, I just wanna know why they couldn't just...
[TBS jumps out of his seat.]
TBS: BREAK THE WALL DAAAAAAAAOWN!!!
SAMAS: You walked right into that.
T.OGRE: I know, I know...
[eonnote - tweaked the mojojojo riff un petit peu]
> (the six start climbing the wall)
> Vegeta: Hey kid, that MUST'VE taken guts to do!! Even I
> wouldn't be able to pull that off!!!
TBS <Vegeta>: For one thing, Aeris would kick my f**king *$$. For another, Zelda would kick my f**king *$$. Any questions?
[EON raises his hand]
TBS <Vegeta>: Yes?
EON: Who are you and what have you done with the real Vegeta?
> Link: Actually it was a sudden urge and...
> Vegeta: Shut up!! Your busting up my rhythm!!! (knocks
> Link off the wall)
EON: U rapping = ugly.
> Link: AHHHHHH!!!! (hits the floor) Owww! Ok?
TBS <singing>: You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack, homeless on the streets giving hand jobs for crack...
> Vegeta: Cheap loser!!!
SAMAS <confused>: Cheap?
> Link: Hey don't be so mean!!!! (Hookshots up the wall)
SIG: Vegeta, who was impaled by the grapple, died slowly, but not before reducing Link into a lump of mass so small that it would fit a thimble.
>
> Within seconds, the six heroes get to the top of the
> wall...
R.JAK: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if they all decide to spit off it.
T.OGRE: I'm surprised that they didn't stop to have a peeing contest on it.
EON: By this point, I'm just surprised they didn't try mating with it...
SIG: I'm surprised it was even mentioned by the story.
> Zelda: Okay, here, we need to reflect the sunlight on one
> of the suns to open that door.
> Barret: Hey! I just saw something!!!
TBS: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
> Vincent: I feel a presence in here...
[Am I the only one seeing a Darth Vader line here?]
> Aeris: It's because we're in here, dips**t!!!!
> Vincent: Not that kind of presence, I mean an evil....
> AHHHHHHHHH!!!
TBS <confused>: An evil AHHHHHHHHH!!!?
> (an invisble Wallmaster punches Vincent
> across the room, sending him smashing into the wall)
TBS: Isn't a Wallmaster some kind of exercise machine?
EON: In the Matrix, maybe.
T.OGRE: No, they're these grey hands that grab ahold of you and take you back to the begining of the labyrinth.
R.JAK: ... are you sure it's not an exercise machine?
> Ohhh.... my head...
> Barret: What was dat'!?!?!?
> Wallmaster: (punches Barret across the room and into
> another wall)
> Barret: That.... hurt!!!!
TBS: Looks like Barret is being possessed by the Dialogue of Chris (tm).
> Aeris: Vegeta hold me!!!
> Vegeta: With pleasure!!! (grabs her between her legs)
> Aeris: Ohhhhh, Vegeta!! That turns me on!!!!
R.JAK: What the hell? Can ANY woman confirm that?
COSMOS, KAO, and ALAIR <Over intercom>: No.
R.JAK: Oh, thank you.
[Actually, we have a LOT more females than that, may just want to chorus them. -Chimera]
> Zelda: (thinking to herself) Oh please...
R.JAK: Zelda, she knows what *you're* thinking!
> Link: I'm scared!!! Zelda, hold me!!!
> Zelda: No way you "Zelda molester"!!!!!
SIG <snorts>: Real creative there, "princess".
R.JAK: Or, maybe not...
> Link: Well I said I was... WAHHHHH!!!!
> Wallmaster: (punches Link into one of the sun faces on the
> wall)
> Link: S**T!!! I didn't think it would hurt THAT much!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: I mean, I was *only* getting punched hard enough to send me flying across the room into a metal plate on the wall!
R.JAK: Okay, now you're just being too damn sarcastic for my tastes.
> Vegeta: (thinking to himself) I sense he's near...
> Wallmaster: (charges at Vegeta from behind)
EON: Watch out Vegeta, incoming Mastercard Gold!
> Vegeta: (jumps over the Wallmaster) Now to get rid of you
> once and for all!! (Vegeta charges up a fireball and fries
> the Wallmaster with it)
TBS <Vegeta>: Hadoken!
SAMAS: I wouldn't joke about that, Snot. Capcom's crazy enough to do it...
R.JAK: Bah. Black Mage does it better.
EON: But he can only do it once per day.
TBS <Vegeta as BM>: I'm telling you, it's all glandular!
SIG: Hey, Vegeta actually did something in-character!
> Wallmaster: Ack!!! (dies)
SIG: Hah, now *there's* a meaty, dramatic part for you.
R.JAK: Only if you're Keanu Reeves.
> Zelda: You guys okay?
> Barret: I could be better...
> Vincent: Yes, I have to agree on that.
SIG <Zelda>: Good.
TBS <Vincent>: After all, last night was decidedly unsatisfactory.
[T.OGRE growls.]
TBS <Vincent>: ...in fact, it was the worst chicken casserole I have ever eaten.
SIG <chuckles>: You're running dry, admit it.
TBS: I can't help it! I'm getting dumb just watching this damn thing!
> Aeris: What about you, Link?
> Link: (dazed)
> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot! Your sword with power!
[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
> Link: (singing) I'm a little teapot short and stout!!!
> Here is my handle and here is my....
T.OGRE: Again. Too. Much. Information.
> Vegeta: (smacks him) SNAP OUT OF IT YOU RETARDED
> S**THEAD!!!!
> Link: Uhhhh... where am I?
> Vegeta: (sarcastically) Your in hell...
SIG: I wouldn't call that sarcasm so much as a simple statement of fact, but whatever.
[R.JAK looks to the left, pauses, and looks to the right]
R.JAK: Well, I don't see him in here anywhere.
> Link: You mean I died!?!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK <Link>: Oh, how I have longed for the sweet release of death!
> Zelda: He was being sarcastic you stupid fairy!!!!
> Link: Oh... sorry...
TBS: Thinking about it later, Link realized that it was funny because Vegeta had told him he was in Hell but he wasn't really in Hell. All he had to do find that out was check and make sure he wasn't in the story anymore.
> Zelda: Okay then, now we need to open the door. Barret,
> help me move the mirror around. Link, stand by each sun as
> we point the ray at them. The rest of you get ready to go
> through the door.
TBS: Vincent, get some better characterization NOW!
SAMAS: Wow, that's practically a plan... I mean, most of what they've done up to now has been running around swearing and farting, and randomly raping, murdering, and utterly disgracing anyone who happened to get in their way.
> Vegeta: If you don't mind, me an Aeris are gonna make out
> for a while.
R.JAK: Well, we certainally wouldn't want you to do anything useful, would we?
SIG: Would YOU argue with a guy who can destroy planets?
R.JAK: Point taken.
> Aeris: Oh Vegeta!!!!
> Zelda: Suit yourself!!!
TBS <Aeris>: Tee hee, I brought my Liberty Belle costume! How'd you know?
> Ready Barret?
> Barret: Yep...
> Zelda: Ready Link?
> Link: I'm ready for you baby!!!!
[*Lightning crashes ominously*, SIG shudders, the Zeek-Bot's screams are heard over the intercom again.]
> Zelda: I guess that means yes.
T.OGRE <Zelda>: ...as in, yes, I *am* going to have to cut off your genitals and make soup from them.
R.JAK: If Tiffa was here, she'd be dead right now.
TBS: Correction. WE'D be dead by now.
> Okay, Barret, help me move
> it to the fartest left.
> (Barret and Zelda move the mirror to the sun face farthest
> to the left. It makes a farting noise then a little note
> card pops out)
SIG <Barret>: "Red XIII was here"? What the...
EON: Well, they DID say "move it to the *fartest* left..."
[Everyone else groans.]
> Link: Hey a note!!!
> Vincent: Please read it.
> Link: It says "Use the Mirror Shield, you dips**t!!!"
TBS: Hey! You solve the puzzle your way and we'll solve it ours, thank you very much!
> Zelda: Oh yeah I forgot, we can use the Mirror Shield to
> reflect light!!!!
> Link: Okay here it goes!!! (shines light on the second sun
> and again a note pops out)
T.OGRE <note>: The OTHER sun, dips**t.
> Barret: Another note, it says "Look behind you"
> Voice: Ah ha ha haaaaaaaa!!!!
> Barret: Oh no please don't let it be him!!!
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: SEPHIORTH?!?
SIG: He's supposed to be dead.
TBS: It didn't stop him the first time.
EON: Or the second. Or at any point of this fic, for that matter...
> Vincent: It's a projection of Pee Wee Herman!!!!
[TBS snaps his fingers.]
TBS: I was so close, too...
> Aeris: (takes tongue out of Vegeta's throat) AHHHHHHHH!!!!
SIG: Ancients must be part frog.
[SIG grimaces.]
T.OGRE: NO MORE FRENCH JOKES- oh, that's not what you meant.
> Vegeta: What's he doing here!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Pee Wee Herman: Hi boys and girls!!! AH ha ha
> haaaaaaaaa!!!!
> Link: Gimmie outta here!!!! (rams the door but nothing
> happens)
EON: Oh come on, he's not dangerous unless they're showing an adult video!
TBS: What do you think they're doing with the first sun?
EON: Oh...
> Vegeta: Weak prick!!! Let me show you how it's done!!!!
> (fires another fireball at the door and it blows open)
> Vincent: Quick, through the door!!!
> (the six heroes get through the door)
T.OGRE: This group of heroes' favorite move seems to be the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Special Skill...
[TBS holds up a sign reading "Hey, it's not as easy as it looks!"]
> Vegeta: I'll take care of you!!! SOLAR FLARE!! (fires it
> at the projection and it disappears)
EON: Isn't Solar Flare just for dazzling your opponent?
SIG: Not to imply any deep-seated knowledge of Dragon Ball Z, but yes, it is not a projectile. And even if it is, Vegeta and everyone whose eyes weren't protected at that very moment the Solar Flare attack is executed would have been permanently blinded, considering Vegeta's tendency not to hold back -- but I'm just ranting...
R.JAK <yawns>: No, please, do go on...
> Link: Where are we?
> Zelda: SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hear voices!!!!!
EON <Zelda>: Apparantly I'm supposed to sacrifice all of you in an Aztec ritual... Cool.
SAMAS <Barret>: You think that's great? Tommyknockers on Brain Channel Two!
[Alair, we may be running out of "voices" references... -RoP]
[It's probably just as well, I think we've hit quota. -Alair]
[Then again... -Alair]
> Barret: Well spank ma' @$$ and call ma' Charley!!!
R.JAK: Tempting, but... no.
SIG: Let me get the Adamantium Paddle(TM) first.
> It's da' Gerudo b***hes!!!
TBS <announcer>: Coming this Fall, only on Fox!
> Vegeta: And they're the dragonballs!!!!! And what in the
> hell is that thief doing with my scouter on!?!?!?!?!?
R.JAK: It's the latest rage from Paris...
> Zelda: Keep it down!!!! Let's eavesdrop!!!
SIG: You've been up to five exclamation marks, it's too late to do any stealth-related actions, much less eavesdrop.
> Barret: I can't see!! I'm climbin' da' stairs!!!
TBS: You know how when you're climbing the stairs and not looking, and you think there's another step when your foot hits against the ground a moment later then you expected it to and you feel really stupid for a sec?
R.JAK: ... yeah?
TBS: I wonder if that's how they feel all the time?
> Vegeta: I'm coming too!! (grabs a sheet he found off of a
> statue)
SAMAS: Statuary by the people who brought you the Americanized version of Castlevania 4.
T.OGRE: John Ashcroft's going to have a fit, now.
> Aeris: Be careful!!
> Vegeta: You know I will!!!!
SIG <Announcer>: And after a brief stint of blowing stuff up, Vegeta happily returns to being out of character.
[A beat.]
SIG: Dammit.
>
> (down in the chamber)
EON <singing>: ...the mighty chamber...
T.OGRE: Now *you're* running dry.
EON <crying>: I have no more will to live!
> Theif 3: Oh great leader!!!! Since we will be going into
> battle soon, we need a battle cry!!! Could you please give
> us one?
> Cait's friend: Ummmm.... ummmmm....
TBS <holding a script and wearing a pair of glasses>: Psst! Your line is, "Tequila man!"
> Barret: What da' hell is dat' foo' doin' back!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Someone must have wished him back with the
> dragonballs!!!! S**T!!!!
[SAMAS pauses.]
SAMAS: Why did I suddenly get the urge to ask "Pat, can I buy a vowel?"
> Cait's friend: Ummm... (looks up and sees Vegeta)
> Vegeta: Crap!! He saw me!!!!
[EON starts humming the escape music to Metal Gear Solid.]
> Cait Sith: Vegeta!?!? That means Cloud and the rest of
> them are here too!!!
SIG: Of course, it's not like Vegeta's EVER arrogantly run off to do his own thing!
> Cait's friend: (points up to the ledge) Fejita man!!!
> The thieves: Fejita man!!!
> (down in the doorway)
> Cloud: Crap!!!! Cait's friend must have seen Vegeta!!!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: You can tell because he just reduced the country to a mushroom cloud the size of Germany.
T.OGRE <teeth gritted>: The wonders of exposition.
> Tifa: What do we do now?
> Dav: (draws Atma Weapon) All we can do is sit tight!!!!
> Red XIII: (farts again) Agreed!!!
> Cloud: (draws Ultima Weapon)
SIG: Is this a bad time to point out that the Atma Weapon and Ultima Weapon are the same thing, except that the former was mistranslated?
R.JAK: Yes.
TBS: Two words -- Author's Favorite. No da?
> Didn't we tell you to stop
> farting all the time!?!?!?!?
> Red XIII: Hey I had to okay!?!?
SIG: And even if all the noise they've been making hasn't given them away, you'd think the smell would have...
TBS <Nabooru>: Hey, did something die up there or what?
> (in the chamber)
> Nabooru: Okay thieves!!! That's our new battle cry!!
TBS: Okay thieves?
THIEF <over intercom>: Actually, it's 'Baby, you got an ass hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock!' But who am I to give them good material?
> Remember it!!!
> Yuffie: Wait!!! Nabooru!!!
> Nabooru: Yes Yuffie what is it?
SAMAS <Yuffie>: I had second thoughts! I don't wanna be a thief anymore!
> Yuffie: I know why Cait's friend said that!!!!!
> Nabooru: Why?
SIG <Yuffie>: You see, he's what we call "Special". Very very *Special*.
> Yuffie: He must have seen Vegeta!
> Nabooru: Who's this Vegeta character!?!?
> Yuffie: One of Cloud's new friends. If Vegeta is here,
> then Cloud's here also!!!!
EON: Of course, if Vegeta's here then Cloud's going to be the last of your worries...
> Nabooru: Who's Cloud?
> Yuffie: My former "boss" I shall say.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...rather than what I was originally going to say, which would probably make your hair fall out.
> Nabooru: Okay Yuffie, I'll take your word for it (looks up
> at the ledge). Hey!!! Whoever is up there better show
> themselves now before I send my forces after you!!!!
R.JAK: That threat isn't going to impress much of anybody after Phantom Menace.
> Vegeta: Yeah, like they're really gonna cause any harm!
> Barret: What do we do now, Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (notice the sheet he got off the statue) I have an
> idea!!!
T.OGRE <Barret>: If it involves blowing up the planet you can just forget about it.
SAMAS <Vegeta>: ... oh, poopie.
EON: Use... "sheet"... on "thousands of thieves."
SIG <Vegeta>: I don't think that'll work.
EON: Damn it! Where's that walkthru?!
> Outside of the Spirit Temple, our friend, Cid,
T.OGRE: Speak for your goddamn self.
R.JAK: HEY! Cid is cool!
TBS: Yeah, he's got that cool "Analyze" ability you can use to find out the monsters' weaknesses and he packs a mean hammer!
R.JAK: Wrong Cid.
TBS: Oh, well then he designed the Magi-Tek armors!
R.JAK: Still the wrong Cid.
TBS: He trained SeeDs to battle against the evil Sorceress Ultimecia?
R.JAK: Last chance.
TBS: Built machines to amplify the power of the crystals?
R.JAK: No.
TBS: Well then, this Cid sucks.
SIG: He could be that kickass martial artist and heretical archm--
R.JAK: *Not* another word.
> is starting
> to recover from his hangover...
> Cid: Ah crap!!! What the hell happened? (looks around and
> sees no one there) Hey!!! Where in the hell is
> everyone!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Voice: Do you want power?
R.JAK: No, it was "Dost thou desire the power?" He only said it about thirty times during the course of the game...
EON: And his theme song should have given him away.
[EON starts humming]
> Cid: Huh? What?
> Voice: Do you want power?
> Cid: Who are you!?!?
> Voice: I asked, do you want power?
> Cid: I guess...
T.OGRE <Cid, listless>: Yeah, I mean... it's a slow day, y'know, so... sure, I'll take power.
> (the voice reveals himself as Grahf, from earlier. He's
> all covered in smoke and blood and as a walking cast on
> his foot)
SIG <Grahf>: Don't let this description fool you. I'm a plot McGuffin, not a character.
EON: Well hey, it's still more description than Dav's gotten since this fic began.
> Grahf: You want to help your friends right?
> Cid: I would if I knew where they are!!!!!
> Grahf: They're battling the evil Gerudos in the Spirit
> Temple, just right over there!!!!
T.OGRE <Grahf>: No, not there, genius. Over. Further. No, look where I'm pointing... THERE.
SAMAS <Grahf>: Right behind that Temple-shaped rock!
> Cid: Hey wait a minute!!! You look familiar!!!! Yeah,
> you're the one that Fei character kicked across the
> desert!!!
EON <Fei>: This is for never coming to my ball games, Dad!
> Grahf: Yes, just bring up that story why don't ya'?
EON <Cid>: Well it WAS kinda hilarious.
> Cid: You were saying something about giving me power?
> Grahf: Ah yes! You see, I have a good selection of guns
> for you to buy. I have sub-machine guns, pistols,
> shotguns, peashooters, automatic rifles, rocket launchers,
> peeshooters, shitguns and other state of the art guns!!!
> So what'll it be?
R.JAK <Cid>: You got a good Sako TRG-21 on stock?
SIG <Grahf>: Erm...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Barrett Light Fifties or a nice Anti-Material Rifle?
SIG <Grahf>: Not really...
R.JAK <Cid>: Steyr Tactical Machine Pistol?
SIG <Grahf>: Afraid we're out of those, sir.
R.JAK <Cid>: How about one of those Avenger autocannons with that gatling barrel that...
SIG <Grahf>: ...no.
R.JAK <Cid>: Erm...Gyrojet?
SIG <Grahf>: Not in this area.
R.JAK <Cid>: Heavy bolter?
SIG <Grahf>: That's Warhammer weapons you're thinking about. Citan takes care of those.
R.JAK <Cid>: Not even a Fuser?
SIG <Grahf>: Sorry, no magestones available for the only one in stock I've got.
R.JAK <Cid>: An ethereal artifact Pancor Jackhammer with invisibility runes and a soul bond?
SIG <Grahf>: You sure don't look dead to me.
R.JAK <Cid>: True. Maybe a fine Glint of Cold Steel (TM) 'Rice Gun' particle cannon?
SIG <Grahf>: Ooh, JUST sold the last one to that Los Angelos highschool kid.
R.JAK <Cid>: Maybe a C-40R assault railgun- [pauses, looking up at SAMAS] Aheh. I think I'm perfect happy with good ol' Moppy.
(continue please)
[Not sure who asked to continue, since this'll be sure to be cut down massively, but hey, I aim to please... so to speak. -Chimera]
> Cid: Mmmmmm.... I kinda' like the shitgun and the
> peeshooter but I'll have to take an automatic rifle!!
T.OGRE: ...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what would happen if the NRA got into our elementary school system.
SAMAS: Or Peirs Anthony.
> Grahf: Good choice sir!!! That'll be 3000 gil!!!
> Cid: For a gun!?!?!?!?!?!?
TBS: I don't know, isn't that just about the same price as a headband?
> Grahf: Hey, I have to make a living too, you know!!!
> Cid: Lemme test it out first. Do you have any targets I
> can shoot at?
> Grahf: No I don't but...
> Cid: (aiming the rifle at Grahf) I just found one!!!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
SAMAS: Remind me again that these are the heros.
TBS: These are the heros.
SAMAS: Damnit, it's not working!
> Grahf: No! Wait! Stop!!
R.JAK <Grahf>: The gun isn't loaded, numbnuts!
EON <Cid>: Oh. Then I'll take some bullets then.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Sure. Here you go.
[R.JAK <Grahf> mimics handing bullets to EON <Cid>, who mimics loading the gun.]
EON <Cid>: Okay, let's do this again.
R.JAK <Grahf>: Fuck.
> Okay guys, I'm coming to
> the rescue!!! (runs into the Spirit Temple)
>
> (in the chamber)
SAMAS: Adam Hall is STILL trying to win a reprieve for his grandfather.
> Nabooru: I repeat!!! Whoever is up there, reveal
> themselves!!!!
> Barret: Are ya' sure dis' is gonna work foo'?
> Vegeta: Yes it will, trust me!!!
R.JAK <Barret>: Sorry, can't trust midgets, ever since this incident at the circus when I was a child, involving a tub of Crisco and two elephants in heat...
T.OGRE <Vegeta>: Midget...?
[ALL make explosion sound effect.]
> Link: (sneaks up the stairs) Here Barret, you'll need my
> Longshot and my Bombchu!!!
> Barret: Thanks foo'!!!
SIG <Barret>: I might not call you gay for a whole five minutes now!
EON <Barret>: Hey, why is 'dis this fuse thing sparklin?
> Nabooru: This is your last chance!!! I'll ask one more
> time!! Who is up there!?!?!?
EON <Vegeta>: Nobody!
TBS <Nabooru>: Oh, all right then!
> Barret: (has the sheet over his head with two holes
> punched out for the eyes) Whahahahahahahaha!!! It's me!!!
> Da' Boogie Man!!! Whahahahahahaha!! (hookshots to the
> platform in the air)
EON: And it's time for you to BOOGIE!
[EON dances.]
EON: ... come to think of it, what does the Boogie Man do anyways?
TBS: Well, it can hide in closets to kill you, and look like a psychiatrist for a cheap Twilight Zone-ish twist ending...
> Cait Sith: Whatta bunch of pussies!!! Don't they realize
> it's Barret under a cheap @$$ sheet!?!?!?
SIG: ... no. How should they know who Barret is?
[SAMAS fidgets and stands up.]
SAMAS: I'd like to buy a vowel.
[Silence. SAMAS sits back again.]
SAMAS: Yeah, on second thoughts, I might want to save my money for alcohol.
> Red XIII: That's Barret under that sheet!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!
TBS <Watson>: We've searched the stables, the sewers, the out houses. Not a bit of s**t in the city to be found!
SAMAS <Holmes>: This is indeed a most foul and trecherous plot...
> Barret: I'm da' Boogie Man!!! (longshots over to the chest
> that's in the big statue's left hand)
> Nabooru: (throws a ninja star at the chain of the
> hookshot, snapping it)
> Barret: (falls and smashes into the ground)
R.JAK: Please be dead. Please be dead. Please...
> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Oww!! Dat' hurt!!!!!
R.JAK: GodDAMN it!
SIG: I think I want to change my bet.
R.JAK: QUIET, you!
> Nabooru: Who are you!?!?!?!? Are you Cloud or Vegeta?
> Barret: I'm no sayian if dat's what ya' mean 'cause I'm
> da' Boogie Man!!! Ooga Booga!!!!
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Thief 1: The Boogie Man gonna eat us!!!
SAMAS <Thief 1>: Yay! And stastics show only 1 in 5 men do that for their women!
> Yuffie: Can't you see it's Barret under a sheet!?!?!?!?
> Barret: Who's Barret? I'm da' Boogie Man!!!! (steps on the
> back of the sheet and it rips in half, revealing Barret)
T.OGRE <deadpan>: Ah. Hah. Haaaaaa.
TBS: Ahh, vaudeville!
[EON plays a riff on a muted trumpet.]
R.JAK <Gerudo, falsetto>: Eeeek! Naked Boogie Man!
> Nabooru: Ah ha!!! I knew it!!! An imposter!!! Girls, get
> him!!!!
TBS <Nabooru pouting>: You're not the real Boogie Man!
> Barret: OH S**T!!! (drops the Bombchu and runs like hell
> toward the stairway where Link and the others are hiding)
EON: ... clevery hidden in the shadows of the railing.
SAMAS <Thief 1>: ...does this mean he's not gonna eat us?
> Thief 2: AHHHHHHHH!!! It's a Bombchu!!!!
> Thief 1: Split up so it doesn't hit us!!!! (the Gerudos
> split up into two groups)
> Goku: Damn!!! The Bombchu missed the Gerudos!!!!
> Red XIII: That's all we needed!!!!
SIG <Goku>: And we needed this how?
EON <Red XIII>: Watch out! They're returning fire with Bob-ombs!
>> Link: (dazed)
>> Aeris: Link? Are you okay? LINK!!!
>
>EON <singing>: Fill up your hearts! So you can shoot!
>Your sword with power!
>
>[eonnote: aaaaaahahahahahahahaha, who did this?]
That was me. Why do you ask?
--RoP Oniko Hakubi
"R to the O to the P, biznatch."
"Yuffie," part seven! I guess it's back to hell for us!
by
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
>
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him) Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
>
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!! (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!! (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him. He fires the
> arrow)
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (turns toward Link) Watch what ya'
> firin' at, foo'!!!!
> Link: Sorry...
>
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
> Dav: Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
> @$@%@%%@$%$%@$@$@$@^@$@$*$@@I@($^@($@($($^$$$^($$(($^$^$$$^@$^@($@$^(@$^@$^(@$^@($^@$^@$^@($^@$^(@$^(@$^($(!$^!$)@$!)!$@!_!@$!$@%&!$!$@&!@$&!%_&%&)%!@)%&!%!@%&!@%&!@%)@&!%!@%@!%&!@%&!%!&%)&!%!&)$#?$&!$#$!_$!G8g0bg14841$#$#$#$#!$!$!$)$^))$!!$^$)$!$$@@$$)!$@$&7727150578)%&!%)&!%!)!)%)!%&@%&@%&!%&*@%!@%&)!)%&%?%?%?%&!#%#!%&*#%?%&%&%&57!)%?%&!#_!%&_!%_!%!!%#_!#%_#%%!%!%)!%!)%&%&)%&)%&%)&)%&)%)%&)%&%&!_%!&!%_!)^%!%!)%!%)!%!)%)!%!#%!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
It's not as if I sit around all day clicking "Refresh"...
by
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
>
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him) Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics,
you know.
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these bitches?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
EON <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
>
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself
in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot
himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe!
THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
(about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him. He fires the
> arrow)
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (turns toward Link) Watch what ya'
> firin' at, foo'!!!!
> Link: Sorry...
>
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never
danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from
a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as
profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav: Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The
Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
> @$@%@%%@$%$%@$@$@$@^@$@$*$@@I@($^@($@($($^$$$^($$(($^$^$$$^@$^@($@$^(@$^@$^(@$^@($^@$^@$^@($^@$^(@$^(@$^($(!$^!$)@$!)!$@!_!@$!$@%&!$!$@&!@$&!%_&%&)%!@)%&!%!@%&!@%&!@%)@&!%!@%@!%&!@%&!%!&%)&!%!&)$#?$&!$#$!_$!G8g0bg14841$#$#$#$#!$!$!$)$^))$!!$^$)$!$$@@$$)!$@$&7727150578)%&!%)&!%!)!)%)!%&@%&@%&!%&*@%!@%&)!)%&%?%?%?%&!#%#!%&*#%?%&%&%&57!)%?%&!#_!%&_!%_!%!!%#_!#%_#%%!%!%)!%!)%&%&)%&)%&%)&)%&)%)%&)%&%&!_%!&!%_!)^%!%!)%!%)!%!)%)!%!#%!!!!!!!!!!!!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that
I've seen in my life.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
R.JAK: Link, what the hell are you *on*?
EON: The magic powder, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
SIG <Wakka>: That's "Macalania."
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting
around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a
note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in
the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehova's Witnesses.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs
from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other
riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You
don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it
to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR
IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMOSITION, DARN YOU!!
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
>
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him) Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics,
you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart...of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
EON <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
>
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself
in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot
himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe!
THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
R.JAK: Oh no, not the jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (turns toward Link) Watch what ya'
> firin' at, foo'!!!!
> Link: Sorry...
>
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never
danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from
a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as
profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The
Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that
I've seen in my life.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
R.JAK: Link, what the hell are you *on*?
EON: The magic powder, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
SIG <Wakko>: That's "Macalania."
TBS: [sings] Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting
around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a
note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in
the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehova's Witnesses.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs
from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other
riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You
don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it
to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR
IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMOSITION, DARN YOU!!
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
>
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him) Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
TBS <Rosebud>: Soon I'll be seeing thousands of little stuffed *me* all over shopping malls around the country...
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics,
you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart...of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already
paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
SIG: We're not going to think about why that particular song is associated with Ganon, right?
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
EON <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
>
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
R.JAK: Oh no, not the jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (turns toward Link) Watch what ya'
> firin' at, foo'!!!!
> Link: Sorry...
>
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never
danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from
a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
SIG: Shelock?
TBS: She's a psychic knife-weilding member of the X-men-
SAMAS: That's Psylocke.
TBS: Oh. Then it's a clear protective coating for woodwork-
T.OGRE: That's shelack.
[Additions? -Cosmos]
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
EON: They're being threaten by a hot dog?
TBS: Stop and think about it. Does anyone really know what's in them?
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as
profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
R.JAK: Quick thinking author. We almost had some sort of dramatic tension.
T.OGRE: Dramatic tension, no...
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
T.OGRE: ...mindlessly repetitive attempt at humor, yes.
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that I've seen in my life.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
EON <singing>: All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever...
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
SAMAS: Now, wait a minute and think carefully about that, Sephiroth, do you really want to merge spirits with the reject cast of failed Southpark wannabes?
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
R.JAK: Link, what the hell are you *on*?
EON: The magic powder, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
SIG <Wakko>: That's "Macalania."
TBS <singing>: Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehovah's Witnesses.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
[EON twitches.]
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it
to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
R.JAK: That would be '*was* such a whore'. Or it would be if death was any impediment to continued involvement in this asinine excuse for a plot.
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMOSITION, DARN YOU!!
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
R.JAK: The BETTER way to perform root canals.
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him) Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
TBS <Rosebud>: Soon I'll be seeing thousands of little stuffed *me* all over shopping malls around the country...
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics, you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart...of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already
paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
SIG: We're not going to think about why that particular song is associated with Ganon, right?
R.JAK: Well...not for long anyway...
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
ALL: Kaitty Cait!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
EON <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Fine, I'll go! And I'll NEVER LOOK BACK!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
(R.JAK twitches noticably)
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
R.JAK: It's the STORAGE jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (turns toward Link) Watch what ya'
> firin' at, foo'!!!!
> Link: Sorry...
SIG: Nice aim tho.
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
SIG: Shelock?
TBS: She's a psychic knife-weilding member of the X-men-
SAMAS: That's Psylocke.
TBS: Oh. Then it's a clear protective coating for woodwork-
T.OGRE: That's shelack.
TBS: Oh...then it's the guy that won public acclaim and criticism as the author of "The Manchurian Candidate" and led the development of the movie with Frank Sinatra.
(There is a long pause)
R.JAK: Erm...that's James Condon.
TBS: Yes...
R.JAK: How the ring-tailed, wooly hell did you get JAMES CONDON out of Shelock?
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
ALL: Awwww...
EON: Damn party pooper!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
EON: They're being threaten by a hot dog?
TBS: Stop and think about it. Does anyone really know what's in them?
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
T.OGRE: Too late. Still here.
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
TBS: Quick thinking. We almost had some sort of dramatic tension.
T.OGRE: Dramatic tension, no...
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
T.OGRE: ...mindlessly repetitive attempt at humor, yes.
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that I've seen in my life.
R. JAK: Maybe it's Hungarian.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
EON <singing>: All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever...
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
SAMAS: Now, wait a minute and think carefully about that, Sephiroth, do you really want to merge spirits with the reject cast of failed Southpark wannabes?
R.JAK: Maybe he'll just buy Junon and turn it into a theme-park again.
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
R.JAK: Neurotic little devil, isn't he?
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
TBS: Okay, what the hell is he *on*?
EON: The fairy dust, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
SAMAS <Link>: I'm an emotionally instable boy wearing a skirt!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
SIG <Wakko>: That's "Macalania."
TBS <singing>: Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
R.JAK: It IS a hard thing to understand, isn't it?
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehovah's Witnesses.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
[EON twitches.]
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it
to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
R.JAK: That would be '*was* such a whore'. Or it would be if death was any impediment to continued involvement in this asinine excuse for a plot.
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMOSITION, DARN YOU!!
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
R.JAK: The BETTER way to perform root canals.
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him) Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
SIG: Good riddance.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
TBS <Rosebud>: Soon I'll be seeing thousands of little stuffed *me* all over shopping malls around the country...
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics, you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart... of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already
paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
SIG: We're not going to think about why that particular song is associated with Ganon, right?
R.JAK: Well... not for long anyway...
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
ALL: Kaitty Cait!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
EON <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Fine, I'll go! And I'll NEVER LOOK BACK!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
[R.JAK twitches noticably.]
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
R.JAK: It's the STORAGE jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
EON <Cartman>: Why is it this 'fic always involved getting things going up my @$$???
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
SIG: Shelock?
TBS: She's a psychic knife-weilding member of the X-men-
SAMAS: That's Psylocke.
TBS: Oh. Then it's a clear protective coating for woodwork-
T.OGRE: That's shelack.
TBS: Oh... then it's the guy that won public acclaim and criticism as the author of "The Manchurian Candidate" and led the development of the movie with Frank Sinatra.
[Long pause.]
R.JAK: Erm...that's James Condon.
TBS: Yes...
R.JAK: How the ring-tailed, wooly hell did you get JAMES CONDON out of Shelock?
SIG: Probably out of Six Degrees of Dave & Dyne, but who'd play that?
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
ALL: Awwww...
EON: Damn party pooper!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
EON: They're being threaten by a hot dog?
TBS: Stop and think about it. Does anyone really know what's in them?
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
SIG: You know, something in that statement really bugs me.
R.JAK: And that is...?
SIG: Who'd buy a mangy cat anyway? Besides chinese meat bun sellers, that is...
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
T.OGRE: Too late. Still here.
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
TBS: Quick thinking. We almost had some sort of dramatic tension.
T.OGRE: Dramatic tension, no...
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
T.OGRE: ...mindlessly repetitive attempt at humor, yes.
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that I've seen in my life.
R. JAK: Maybe it's Hungarian.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
EON <singing>: All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever...
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
SAMAS: Now, wait a minute and think carefully about that, Sephiroth, do you really want to merge spirits with the reject cast of failed Southpark wannabes?
R.JAK: Maybe he'll just buy Junon and turn it into a theme-park again.
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
R.JAK: Neurotic little devil, isn't he?
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
TBS: Okay, what the hell is he *on*?
EON: The fairy dust, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
SAMAS <Link>: I'm an emotionally instable boy wearing a skirt!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
EON <Wakko>: That's "Macalania."
TBS <singing>: Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
SIG <bored>: Yay.
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
R.JAK: It IS a hard thing to understand, isn't it?
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
SIG: That only happens to those who have any. Suffice to say, Cid doesn't.
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
SIG: True, that...
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehovah's Witnesses.
TBS: Free water.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
[EON twitches.]
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it
to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
R.JAK: That would be '*was* such a whore'. Or it would be if death was any impediment to continued involvement in this asinine excuse for a plot.
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
SIG <Ruto>: Just remind Link to drop by *any* time for his *gift*.
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMOSITION, DARN YOU!!
SIG: Rauru doesn't have any, either.
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish...
by
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
R.JAK: The BETTER way to perform root canals.
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him) Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
SIG: Good riddance.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
TBS <Rosebud>: Soon I'll be seeing thousands of little stuffed *me* all over shopping malls around the country...
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics, you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart... of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already
paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
SIG: We're not going to think about why that particular song is associated with Ganon, right?
R.JAK: Well... not for long anyway...
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
ALL: Kaitty Cait!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
EON <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Fine, I'll go! And I'll NEVER LOOK BACK!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
[R.JAK twitches noticably.]
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
R.JAK: It's the STORAGE jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
EON <Cartman>: Why is it this 'fic always involved getting things going up my @$$???
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
SIG: Shelock?
TBS: She's a psychic knife-weilding member of the X-men-
SAMAS: That's Psylocke.
TBS: Oh. Then it's a clear protective coating for woodwork-
T.OGRE: That's shellac.
TBS: Oh... then it's the guy that won public acclaim and criticism as the author of "The Manchurian Candidate" and led the development of the movie with Frank Sinatra.
[Long pause.]
R.JAK: Erm...that's James Condon.
TBS: Yes...
R.JAK: How the ring-tailed, wooly hell did you get JAMES CONDON out of Shelock?
SIG: Probably out of Six Degrees of Dave & Dyne, but who'd play that?
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
ALL: Awwww...
EON: Damn party pooper!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
EON: They're being threaten by a hot dog?
TBS: Stop and think about it. Does anyone really know what's in them?
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
SIG: You know, something in that statement really bugs me.
R.JAK: And that is...?
SIG: Who'd buy a mangy cat anyway? Besides chinese meat bun sellers, that is...
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
T.OGRE: Too late. Still here.
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
TBS: Quick thinking. We almost had some sort of dramatic tension.
T.OGRE: Dramatic tension, no...
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
T.OGRE: ...mindlessly repetitive attempt at humor, yes.
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
EON: You know, goldfish have a memory span of three seconds. *Three seconds.* I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over. I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over. I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over...
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
TBS <Roman Moroni>: ...FARGING ICEHOLE!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that I've seen in my life.
R. JAK: Maybe it's Hungarian.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
EON <singing>: All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever...
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
SAMAS: Now, wait a minute and think carefully about that, Sephiroth, do you really want to merge spirits with the reject cast of failed Southpark wannabes?
R.JAK: Maybe he'll just buy Junon and turn it into a theme-park again.
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
R.JAK: Neurotic little devil, isn't he?
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
TBS: Okay, what the hell is he *on*?
EON: The fairy dust, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
SAMAS <Link>: I'm an emotionally instable boy wearing a skirt!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
EON <Wakko>: That's "Macalania."
TBS <singing>: Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
SIG <bored>: Yay.
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
R.JAK: It IS a hard thing to understand, isn't it?
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
SIG: That only happens to those who have any. Suffice to say, Cid doesn't.
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
SIG: True, that...
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehovah's Witnesses.
TBS: Free water.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
T.OGRE: Free internet access.
[All look at T.OGRE, who nods sagely.]
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
[EON twitches.]
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it
to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
R.JAK: That would be '*was* such a whore'. Or it would be if death was any impediment to continued involvement in this asinine excuse for a plot.
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
SIG <Ruto>: Just remind Link to drop by *any* time for his *gift*.
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMPOSITION, DARN YOU!!
SIG: Rauru doesn't have any, either.
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
I think I might be the first MSTier ever to use an actual Muppet Babies riff...
by
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
R.JAK: The BETTER way to perform root canals.
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him)
T.OGRE <Cait's friend>: Well, I've pretty much wasted my entire f**king life, haven't I?
> Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
SIG: Good riddance.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
TBS <Nabooru>: They'll bring something called... money!!!!
R.JAK <Yuffie>: Which we could just wish for.
TBS <Nabooru>: Right!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
EON: But dat's so cute, he tinks he has a choice.
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
TBS <Rosebud>: Soon I'll be seeing thousands of little stuffed *me* all over shopping malls around the country...
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics, you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart... of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already
paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
SIG: We're not going to think about why that particular song is associated with Ganon, right?
R.JAK: Well... not for long anyway...
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune
EON <Yuffie>: Let's see, it went 'dum dee dum, doh di don'? Nope... Or was it, 'tra dee da, la di to'?... Dang it!
> and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
ALL: Kaitty Cait!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
R.JAK <Haohmaru>: Come, let us destroy the evil one once and for all!
TBS <Vincent>: ...!
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
EON <Vincent>: Rubber duckey, check.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
EON <singing>: For purple mountain majesties, above the fruited plain...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
R.JAK <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
R.JAK <Vincent>: Upon hitting the ground, splatter like over ripe tomatoes.
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Fine, I'll go! And I'll NEVER LOOK BACK!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
SIG <Goku>: After all, it's not like I have any kind of moral prohibition against hurting people who really can't fight back. Being a hero's overrated anyways!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
SIG: And the narrator gets in on the action...
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
[R.JAK twitches noticably.]
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
EON <singing>: Dradle, dradle, dradle, I made you out of clay! Dradle, dradle, dradle; with dradle I will play!
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
SIG <Smiling eerily>: That's it! Get him again Zelda!
R.JAK: It's the STORAGE jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
EON <arrow>: It's because I'm gay, isn't it?
T.OGRE <Link>: What?!
EON <arrow>: Nothing, never mind! I'll be getting back to work, now!
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
EON <Cartman>: Why is it this 'fic always involved getting things going up my @$$???
[I don't think that's quite how the quote goes... -Alair]
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
TBS <voice>: Is everything all right in here?
T.OGRE <Cloud>, EON <Vegeta>, SAMAS <Link>: Yes Nanny!
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
EON: Cid?!
[Pause]
ALL: El Cid has come to rescue us!
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
ALL: Hey Cid.
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
SIG: Shelock?
TBS: She's a psychic knife-weilding member of the X-men-
SAMAS: That's Psylocke.
TBS: Oh. Then it's a clear protective coating for woodwork-
T.OGRE: That's shellac.
TBS: Oh... then it's the guy that won public acclaim and criticism as the author of "The Manchurian Candidate" and led the development of the movie with Frank Sinatra.
[Long pause.]
R.JAK: Erm...that's James Condon.
TBS: Yes...
R.JAK: How the ring-tailed, wooly hell did you get JAMES CONDON out of Shelock?
SIG: Probably out of Six Degrees of Dave & Dyne, but who'd play that?
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
[I like it -Alair]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
SIG <Cloud>: Okay fellas, that was a great slaughter of a hopelessly outmatched opponent. I'm proud of ya.
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
ALL: Awwww...
EON: Damn party pooper!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
EON: They're being threaten by a hot dog?
TBS: Stop and think about it. Does anyone really know what's in them?
T.OGRE <Nabooru>: Do you have any idea what this thing can do to your digestive system? Do you know how much undigested meat is in the average adult male's colon? Huh?! DO YOU?!!!
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
SIG: You know, something in that statement really bugs me.
R.JAK: And that is...?
SIG: Who'd buy a mangy cat anyway? Besides chinese meat bun sellers, that is...
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
T.OGRE: Too late. Still here.
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
TBS: Quick thinking. We almost had some sort of dramatic tension.
T.OGRE: Dramatic tension, no...
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
T.OGRE: ...mindlessly repetitive attempt at humor, yes.
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
EON: You know, goldfish have a memory span of three seconds. *Three seconds.* I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over. I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over. I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over...
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
TBS <Roman Moroni>: ...FARGING ICEHOLE!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that I've seen in my life.
R. JAK: Maybe it's Hungarian.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
EON <singing>: All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever...
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
TBS <Vincent>: ... why is everyone staring at me? ... I'm not planning your pitiful, agonizing, deaths even as I speak... no siree...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
SAMAS: Now, wait a minute and think carefully about that, Sephiroth, do you really want to merge spirits with the reject cast of failed Southpark wannabes?
R.JAK: Maybe he'll just buy Junon and turn it into a theme-park again.
EON <Sephiroth, singing>: I've seen a sun and a super nova... but there's nothing quite like Jenova.
TBS: It's the Sephiest place on earth!
[Ack, where can you find Fritz' fanfics these days? I need to look that one up... -Alair]
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
SAMAS: ... something tells me that Hell has one of those revolving glass doors.
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
R.JAK: Neurotic little devil, isn't he?
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
TBS: Okay, what the hell is he *on*?
EON: The fairy dust, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
SAMAS <Link>: I'm an emotionally unstable boy wearing a skirt!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
TBS <Dragon>: What about me? I've got a date in ten minutes!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
EON <Wakko>: That's "Macalania."
TBS <singing>: Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
SIG <bored>: Yay.
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
R.JAK: It IS a hard thing to understand, isn't it?
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
R.JAK: And so, Zelda drew the Sword of Power--
SIG: TM.
R.JAK: ... and made Cid's head exploded.
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
SIG: That only happens to those who have any. Suffice to say, Cid doesn't.
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
SIG: True, that...
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehovah's Witnesses.
TBS: Free water.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
R.JAK: Nice view.
T.OGRE: Free internet access.
[All look at T.OGRE, who nods sagely.]
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
[EON twitches.]
TBS <Cloud>: Sorry, we're not taking on any new members right now.
SIG <Rauru>: Oh, frightfully sorry then old chap. Carry on.
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
R.JAK: That would be '*was* such a whore'. Or it would be if death was any impediment to continued involvement in this asinine excuse for a plot.
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
SIG <Ruto>: Just remind Link to drop by *any* time for his *gift*.
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMPOSITION, DARN YOU!!
SIG: Rauru doesn't have any, either.
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
R.JAK: The BETTER way to perform root canals.
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him)
T.OGRE <Cait's friend>: Well, I've pretty much wasted my entire f**king life, haven't I?
> Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
SIG: Good riddance.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
TBS <Nabooru>: They'll bring something called... money!!!!
R.JAK <Yuffie>: Which we could just wish for.
TBS <Nabooru>: Right!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
EON: But dat's so cute, he tinks he has a choice.
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
TBS <Rosebud>: Soon I'll be seeing thousands of little stuffed *me* all over shopping malls around the country...
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics, you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart... of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
SIG: We're not going to think about why that particular song is associated with Ganon, right?
R.JAK: Well... not for long anyway...
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune
EON <Yuffie>: Let's see, it went 'dum dee dum, doh di don'? Nope... Or was it, 'tra dee da, la di to'?... Dang it!
> and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
ALL: Kaitty Cait!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
R.JAK <Haohmaru>: Come, let us destroy the evil one once and for all!
TBS <Vincent>: ...!
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
EON <Vincent>: Rubber duckey, check.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
EON <singing>: For purple mountain majesties, above the fruited plain...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
R.JAK <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
R.JAK <Vincent>: Upon hitting the ground, splatter like over ripe tomatoes.
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Fine, I'll go! And I'll NEVER LOOK BACK!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
SIG <Goku>: After all, it's not like I have any kind of moral prohibition against hurting people who really can't fight back. Being a hero's overrated anyways!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
SIG: And the narrator gets in on the action...
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
[R.JAK twitches noticably.]
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
EON <singing>: Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay! And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I will play!
[No, I'm not Jewish, but I thought the song needed neatening up. -z]
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
SIG <Smiling eerily>: That's it! Get him again Zelda!
R.JAK: It's the STORAGE jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
EON <arrow>: It's because I'm gay, isn't it?
T.OGRE <Link>: What?!
EON <arrow>: Nothing, never mind! I'll be getting back to work, now!
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
EON <Cartman>: Why is it everything in this 'fic has been either going into or coming out of my @$$???
[I don't think that's quite how the quote goes... -Alair]
[It's not. That's been bugging me too, actually. -z]
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
TBS <voice>: Is everything all right in here?
T.OGRE <Cloud>, EON <Vegeta>, SAMAS <Link>: Yes Nanny!
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
EON: Cid?!
[Pause]
ALL: El Cid has come to rescue us!
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
ALL: Hey Cid.
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
SIG: Shelock?
TBS: She's a psychic knife-weilding member of the X-men-
SAMAS: That's Psylocke.
TBS: Oh. Then it's a clear protective coating for woodwork-
T.OGRE: That's shellac.
TBS: Oh... then it's the guy that won public acclaim and criticism as the author of "The Manchurian Candidate" and led the development of the movie with Frank Sinatra.
[Long pause.]
R.JAK: Erm...that's James Condon.
TBS: Yes...
R.JAK: How the ring-tailed, wooly hell did you get JAMES CONDON out of Shelock?
SIG: Probably out of Six Degrees of Dave & Dyne, but who'd play that?
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
[I like it -Alair]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
SIG <Cloud>: Okay fellas, that was a great slaughter of a hopelessly outmatched opponent. I'm proud of ya.
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
ALL: Awwww...
EON: Damn party pooper!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
EON: They're being threaten by a hot dog?
TBS: Stop and think about it. Does anyone really know what's in them?
T.OGRE <Nabooru>: Do you have any idea what this thing can do to your digestive system? Do you know how much undigested meat is in the average adult male's colon? Huh?! DO YOU?!!!
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
SIG: You know, something in that statement really bugs me.
R.JAK: And that is...?
SIG: Who'd buy a mangy cat anyway? Besides chinese meat bun sellers, that is...
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
T.OGRE: Too late. Still here.
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
TBS: Quick thinking. We almost had some sort of dramatic tension.
T.OGRE: Dramatic tension, no...
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
T.OGRE: ...mindlessly repetitive attempt at humor, yes.
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
EON: You know, goldfish have a memory span of three seconds. *Three seconds.* I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over. I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over. I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over...
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
TBS <Roman Moroni>: ...FARGING ICEHOLE!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that I've seen in my life.
R. JAK: Maybe it's Hungarian.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
EON <singing>: All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever...
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
TBS <Vincent>: ... why is everyone staring at me? ... I'm not planning your pitiful, agonizing, deaths even as I speak... no siree...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
SAMAS: Now, wait a minute and think carefully about that, Sephiroth, do you really want to merge spirits with the reject cast of failed Southpark wannabes?
R.JAK: Maybe he'll just buy Junon and turn it into a theme-park again.
EON <Sephiroth, singing>: I've seen a sun and a super nova... but there's nothing quite like Jenova.
TBS: It's the Sephiest place on earth!
[Ack, where can you find Fritz' fanfics these days? I need to look that one up... -Alair]
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
SAMAS: ... something tells me that Hell has one of those revolving glass doors.
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
R.JAK: Neurotic little devil, isn't he?
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
TBS: Okay, what the hell is he *on*?
EON: The fairy dust, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
SAMAS <Link>: I'm an emotionally unstable boy wearing a skirt!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
TBS <Dragon>: What about me? I've got a date in ten minutes!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
EON <Wakko>: That's "Macalania."
TBS <singing>: Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
SIG <bored>: Yay.
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
R.JAK: It IS a hard thing to understand, isn't it?
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
R.JAK: And so, Zelda drew the Sword of Power--
SIG: TM.
R.JAK: ... and made Cid's head exploded.
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
SIG: That only happens to those who have any. Suffice to say, Cid doesn't.
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
SIG: True, that...
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehovah's Witnesses.
TBS: Free water.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
R.JAK: Nice view.
T.OGRE: Free internet access.
[All look at T.OGRE, who nods sagely.]
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
[EON twitches.]
TBS <Cloud>: Sorry, we're not taking on any new members right now.
SIG <Rauru>: Oh, frightfully sorry then old chap. Carry on.
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
R.JAK: That would be '*was* such a whore'. Or it would be if death was any impediment to continued involvement in this asinine excuse for a plot.
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
SIG <Ruto>: Just remind Link to drop by *any* time for his *gift*.
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMPOSITION, DARN YOU!!
SIG: Rauru doesn't have any, either.
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
> The Bombchu climbs up the statue and explodes, making the
> lower half of the mouth collapse...
R.JAK: The BETTER way to perform root canals.
> Cait's friend: (looks up to see the part of the mouth
> falling toward him)
T.OGRE <Cait's friend>: Well, I've pretty much wasted my entire f**king life, haven't I?
> Tequila man... (falls on Cait's friend
> and dies, again)
SAMAS: Farewell, noble Cait's Friend.
EON: May flights of worms sing thee to thy rest.
SIG: Good riddance.
> Nabooru: Yuffie!!! Take the dragonballs and the cat to
> Ganon's Castle. Our... buyers will meet you there!!!!
TBS <Nabooru>: They'll bring something called... money!!!!
R.JAK <Yuffie>: Which we could just wish for.
TBS <Nabooru>: Right!
> Cait Sith: I don't care if you threaten me, torture me or
> take my Dr. Pepper away, but I refuse to go anywhere with
> materia b***h!!!
EON: But dat's so cute, he tinks he has a choice.
> Nabooru: That's too bad, 'cause we have buyers that are
> gonna pay good money for you!!!!!
TBS <Rosebud>: Soon I'll be seeing thousands of little stuffed *me* all over shopping malls around the country...
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay for this, whore!!!!
T.OGRE: No, the buyers are going to pay for it. Basic economics, you know.
TBS: Deep in the heart... of darkest America, home of the brave, Sharkey says "Ha ha, you've already paid for this!"
> Nabooru: Yuffie, play this on my harp. It'll warp you
> directly to Ganon's Castle!!!! (plays the "Song of
> B***hes" on her harp)
SIG: We're not going to think about why that particular song is associated with Ganon, right?
R.JAK: Well... not for long anyway...
> Yuffie: Okay!!!! (plays the tune
EON <Yuffie>: Let's see, it went 'dum dee dum, doh di don'? Nope... Or was it, 'tra dee da, la di to'?... Dang it!
> and warps to Ganon's
> Castle along with Cait and the dragonballs)
> Cait Sith: Your gonna pay you worthless excuse for a whore
> or for anything for that matter!!!!!
> Yuffie: (shoves a bomb in Cait's mouth) Shuddup Kaitty!!!!
> Tifa: CAIT!!!!!!!!
ALL: Kaitty Cait!
> Vegeta: The dragonballs are gone again!!!! It's time to
> rid these b***hes of the Earth!!!!
T.OGRE <Goku>: Don't you mean, "Rid the earth of these b***hes?"
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Dyslexia damn my!
TBS: Dude, did you just swear in asterisks? I thought only Carrot could do that.
[T.OGRE looks appalled.]
T.OGRE: Oh great. This fic is contagious.
> Zelda: Agreed!!! You ready Vincent?
R.JAK <Haohmaru>: Come, let us destroy the evil one once and for all!
TBS <Vincent>: ...!
> Vincent: As I'll ever be.
EON <Vincent>: Rubber duckey, check.
> Zelda: You ready Link?
> Link: Yes ma'am!!!!
> Cloud: Okay guys, let's go!!!!
> Dav: Right!!! Everyone with swords take them out!!!!
>
> Dav and Cloud take out their swords...
EON <singing>: For purple mountain majesties, above the fruited plain...
SIG: Deploy the Amazing Compensation!
TBS <Cloud, sing-song>: Dav's got a dinky sword...
R.JAK <Dav>: I'm low on HP! It's not normally this small!
TBS <Cloud>: Riiiiiiight.
> Vincent: Barret, here's what we'll do. We'll jump off of
> this platform. While in mid-air, fire at as many Gerudos
> as possible.
TBS <Barret>: But my Bullet Time meter ain't refilled, foo'!
R.JAK <Vincent>: Upon hitting the ground, splatter like over ripe tomatoes.
> Barret: No prob, Bob!!!!
> Zelda: Link! Go help Barret and Vincent by shooting light
> arrows at the Gerudos!
> Link: You sure you don't need help here?
> Zelda: Don't worry about me just go!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Fine, I'll go! And I'll NEVER LOOK BACK!
> Link: Yes ma'am!!! (runs up to the ledge and gets ready to
> fire a light arrow)
EON: Okay, I'll have my elf ranger fire an arrow at the
thieves.
[EON mimes rolling some dice.]
SIG: One. You botch the shot, and end up shooting yourself in the foot.
EON: What the heck? He's an elf! How can an elf shoot himself in the foot with an arrow that's as big as he is?
SIG: Fine. You botch, and shoot yourself in the arm.
EON: ARGH!
> Vegeta: Kakaraught!!!! Let's fire some energy shots on
> these stupid, retarded lesbos!!!
SAMAS: So in his universe, being a "lesbo" is worse than being retarded.
R.JAK: Nice to know he's got his priorities crooked.
> Goku: Right!!! We'll fire when Vincent and Barret fire
> their guns!!!
SIG <Goku>: After all, it's not like I have any kind of moral prohibition against hurting people who really can't fight back. Being a hero's overrated anyways!
> Vincent: On the count of three.... 1...3!!! (Barret and
> Vincent jump off the ledge and start firing on the
> worthless Gerudos below)
SIG: And the narrator gets in on the action...
> Goku: Now Vegeta!!!! KA-ME-YEH-ME-HE!!!!
[R.JAK twitches noticably.]
T.OGRE: Oh, for the love of... It's Kamehameha, not Kameyehmehe! THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE!!
EON <singing>: Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay! And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I will play!
[No, I'm not Jewish, but I thought the song needed neatening up. -z]
> (fires it down on
> the Gerudos)
> Vegeta" GALIC GUN!!!! (fires it on the Gerudos)
> Link: I regret joining this piece of s**t group!!!
SIG <Link>: The hours were horrible, and there was no dental plan!
> (about
> to fire a light arrow when a jar hits him.
SIG <Smiling eerily>: That's it! Get him again Zelda!
R.JAK: It's the STORAGE jars again.
TBS: Lemon curry?
> He fires the
> arrow)
EON <arrow>: It's because I'm gay, isn't it?
T.OGRE <Link>: What?!
EON <arrow>: Nothing, never mind! I'll be getting back to work, now!
> Barret: Die you b***hes... (Link's light arrow goes up his
> @$$) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
EON <Cartman>: Why is it everything in this 'fic has been either going into or coming out of my @$$???
[I don't think that's quite how the quote goes... -Alair]
[It's not. That's been bugging me too, actually. -z]
> As the fighting continues, they hear a familiar voice...
TBS <voice>: Is everything all right in here?
T.OGRE <Cloud>, EON <Vegeta>, SAMAS <Link>: Yes Nanny!
>
> Cid: (running in firing his automatic rifle) I'm a
> maniac!!! Maniac!!!
EON <Cid, singing>: --on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never danced before!
> Everyone: CID!?!?!?!?!?
EON: Cid?!
[Pause]
ALL: El Cid has come to rescue us!
> Cid: Hey everyone!!!
ALL: Hey Cid.
> Dav: Where did you come from and where did you get that
> kick @$$ rifle!?!?
> Cid: Let's just say I.... "bought" it from someone
> outside!!!
TBS <Cid, evilly>: ...and lets just say I used... "money" from a... "job." BWAHAHAHAHA!!
> Aeris: Get'em Cid!!!!
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Feel the wrath of the
> almighty Cid! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (guns
> down a bunch of thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Red XIII: He's whooping @$$!!!!
> Cloud: No s**t, Shelock!!!
SIG: Shelock?
TBS: She's a psychic knife-weilding member of the X-men-
SAMAS: That's Psylocke.
TBS: Oh. Then it's a clear protective coating for woodwork-
T.OGRE: That's shellac.
TBS: Oh... then it's the guy that won public acclaim and criticism as the author of "The Manchurian Candidate" and led the development of the movie with Frank Sinatra.
[Long pause.]
R.JAK: Erm...that's James Condon.
TBS: Yes...
R.JAK: How the ring-tailed, wooly hell did you get JAMES CONDON out of Shelock?
SIG: Probably out of Six Degrees of Dave & Dyne, but who'd play that?
> Cid: You can't stop me!!!!! I'm king of the world!!!
SAMAS: Click. Click-click, click.
SIG <Cid>: Uh-oh.
[Optional riff I came up with. Next person, discard or not as you choose. -z]
[I like it -Alair]
TBS <Andrea Fox>: I'm flying, Jack! -- I mean Roger.
T.OGRE <Roger Fox>: Actually, I'd appreciate it if you *didn't* use my name.
> (shoots down the last of the thieves)
> Thieves: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Cid: Ah does that hurt?
> Barret: Good job, foo'!!!!
> Zelda: You were great!!!!
> Cid: Thanks you guys!!!
SIG <Cloud>: Okay fellas, that was a great slaughter of a hopelessly outmatched opponent. I'm proud of ya.
> Dav: We're gonna have to postpone the celebration for
> later. Nabooru's still alive and Yuffie still has Cait
> Sith and the dragonballs!
ALL: Awwww...
EON: Damn party pooper!
> Tifa: Problem #1 won't be hard to fix!!!! (walks over
> toward Nabooru, who's holding her leg from a gunshot
> wound)
> Nabooru: Hold it right there!!!
> Tifa: Why should I!?!?!?
> Nabooru: Because I have a wienie and I'm not afraid to use
> it!!!!
SIG: It isn't kosher! Look out!
R.JAK: *Nothing* about this 'fic is kosher.
TBS <Lady Sally>: Don't point that thing at me, young man.
> Red XIII: Be careful! It's an Oscar Meyer one!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!! It had to be an Oscar Meyer one didn't
> it!?!?
> Nabooru: That's right!!! The smart thing to do is to stay
> back!!!!
EON: They're being threaten by a hot dog?
TBS: Stop and think about it. Does anyone really know what's in them?
T.OGRE <Nabooru>: Do you have any idea what this thing can do to your digestive system? Do you know how much undigested meat is in the average adult male's colon? Huh?! DO YOU?!!!
> Cloud: Sorry b***h! We just don't have the time!!! (stabs
> Nabooru through the heart)
> Nabooru: Ack!!! (dies)
TBS: I hope that, when my time comes, my words can be as profound as Nabooru's.
> Vegeta: Where did that b***h go with the
> dragonballs!?!?!?!?
> Dav: I overheard she warped to Ganon's Castle with Cait
> Sith.
> Goku: Why there?
SAMAS <Dav>: Low taxes and easy access to retail outlets.
> Dav:Nabooru said there were buyers for the stuff Yuffie
> and the rest of the Gerudos stole and I believe she's
> gonna sell Cait Sith to these guys also!!!
SIG: You know, something in that statement really bugs me.
R.JAK: And that is...?
SIG: Who'd buy a mangy cat anyway? Besides chinese meat bun sellers, that is...
> Aeris: We have to get there and FAST!!!!
> Zelda: I can get us there before you can say "Mr. Poopy
> Pants!" (takes out her ocarina of time)
T.OGRE: Too late. Still here.
> Cid: Whoa!!! Cool!!! Can I see it real quick?
> Zelda: Yes but please hurry and be careful!!!
> Cid: You can count on me!!!! (drops the ocarina and it
> smashes)
R.JAK: Yes, we can count on you to f**k things up beyond recognition. [realizes what he just said] Great, now *I'm* doing it.
EON: I see Cid took his instrument handling lessons from The Who...
> Cid: Whoops....
> Red XIII; That made a cool sound!!!
> Zelda: What happened!?!?!?
> Cid: I had a tinsy winsy accident with your instrument...
> Zelda: That's okay, I can fix it in a heartbeat! (fixes
> the ocarina)
TBS: Quick thinking. We almost had some sort of dramatic tension.
T.OGRE: Dramatic tension, no...
> Cid: Cool!!! Give it here!!!!
> Cloud: Cid, stop fooling around!!! We need to get Cait and
> the dragonballs back!!!!
> Cid: Hold on a minute will ya'!?!?!? (drops the ocarina on
> purpose)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
T.OGRE: ...mindlessly repetitive attempt at humor, yes.
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
EON: You know, goldfish have a memory span of three seconds. *Three seconds.* I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over. I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over. I'd love to perform for an audience of goldfish. I could just keep telling them the same joke over and over...
> Cid: (takes the ocarina and smashes it)
> Zelda: STOP SMASHING MY OCARINA YOU
T.OGRE <Lucky Day>: ...son of a motherless goat!
R.JAK <Cartman>: ...donkey-raping shitbag!
TBS <Roman Moroni>: ...FARGING ICEHOLE!
EON <Cid>: Woah! Okay then.
TBS: SHINKUU MASH ON THE KEYBOARD TO EMULATE SWEARING!!!
T.OGRE: That's probably the second-longest censored swear word that I've seen in my life.
R. JAK: Maybe it's Hungarian.
SAMAS: ...F?
SIG: ...yeah, what the hell. There's probably an "F" up there.
SAMAS: All right!
> Red XIII: Whoa!!! Zelda pulled a Cid!!!
> Aeris: And a good one at that!!!!
> Vegeta: C'mon!!!! We don't have all day you know!!!!
> Zelda: Well then, let's get moving...
> Sephiroth: (appears in front of them) I'm gonna rule the
> world!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: I thought you were dead!
EON <Sephiroth>: Yeah, I get that a lot.
> Cid: Yeah yeah we all wanna rule the world!!!
EON <singing>: All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever...
> Vincent: ... Yes we sure do...
TBS <Vincent>: ... why is everyone staring at me? ... I'm not planning your pitiful, agonizing, deaths even as I speak... no siree...
> Sephiroth: I will become with the planet!!!
> Red XIII: You'll become one with compost if you don't shut
> up!!!!
> Sephiroth: Your spirits will merge with mine!!!
SAMAS: Now, wait a minute and think carefully about that, Sephiroth, do you really want to merge spirits with the reject cast of failed Southpark wannabes?
R.JAK: Maybe he'll just buy Junon and turn it into a theme-park again.
EON <Sephiroth, singing>: I've seen a sun and a super nova... but there's nothing quite like Jenova.
TBS: It's the Sephiest place on earth!
[Ack, where can you find Fritz' fanfics these days? I need to look that one up... -Alair]
> Wahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cloud: F**k off, fruitcake!!! (does Omnislash on his @$$)
> Sephiroth: Ah crap... I guess it's back to hell for me!!!
> (dies)
TBS <Sephiroth>: Ilpalazzo-sama ... once again I have failed you...
SAMAS: ... something tells me that Hell has one of those revolving glass doors.
> Dav: That's the last we'll see of him, hopefully.
EON <Claire>: The nightmare is finally over!
SAMAS: There's no way he could have survived that!
> Link: (looks over toward the wall) It's that snake
> again!!!
> Vegeta: Oh great! That's all we need!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: Don't you be cussing me out!
R.JAK: Neurotic little devil, isn't he?
> Goku: Snakes can't cuss people out, moron!!!
> Tifa: Damn correct!!
> Link: Than how come he's slithering at me?
> Zelda: BECAUSE SNAKES SLITHER YOU STUPID RETARD!!!!
> Link:...Oh, well I guess that explains it then!!!
> Snake: (slithers)
> Link: That's it!!! Your gonna pay!!! (starts chasing the
> snake)
TBS: Okay, what the hell is he *on*?
EON: The fairy dust, most likely.
> Snake: (slithers away toward his hole)
> Cloud: (grabs Link) Not this time fairy boy!!!
> Link: Ah man! Why can't I have any fun!?!?!?
> Barret: 'Cause ya' suck and ya' a foo'!!!
> Link: I'm not a foo'!!
SAMAS <Link>: I'm an emotionally unstable boy wearing a skirt!
> Zelda: Everyone shut up and let's go!!
> Vegeta: Yeah! I need those dragonballs back!!!
TBS <Dragon>: What about me? I've got a date in ten minutes!
> Cid: This is all too complicated! Screw you guys, I'm
> going home!!!
> Aeris: Hate to break it to you, Cid, but the only way out
> of here is the ocarina.
> Cid: The what?
> Aeris: The ocarina.
> Cid: The Macarena!?!?!?!?!? (starts doing the Macarena)
> Hey Macarena!!!
EON <Wakka>: That's "Macalania."
TBS <singing>: Dot is a nut so we call her Macadamia, she's cracked in the head and kooky in the brainia, each line of this song sounds pretty much the samia, oy, Macadamia!
SIG <bored>: Yay.
[Wakka, not Wakko. Wakko wasn't in FFX, but it would kick ass if he was... -RoPOH]
> Link: That looks like fun! Let me try!!!! (starts doing
> the Macarena)
> Red XIII: Oh my God...
> Cid: Hey Aeris, I'm doing the Macarena but I haven't
> warped yet!!!!
> Aeris: No!!! The OCARINA not the Macarena!!!
R.JAK: It IS a hard thing to understand, isn't it?
> Cid: Oh, well what's an ocarina?
> Zelda: My instrument that you kept breaking in the
> temple!!
> Cid: Oh yeah that thing!! (grabs the ocarina and smashes
> it)
R.JAK: And so, Zelda drew the Sword of Power--
SIG: TM.
R.JAK: ... and made Cid's head exploded.
> Dav: Don't start that s**t again!!!
SAMAS: It's like he read my mind.
T.OGRE: Amazing, isn't it?
> Zelda: I told you to stop breaking my ocarina you
> jack@$$!!!!! (kicks Cid in the nuts)
> Cid: Ack!!!!
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate!
SIG: That only happens to those who have any. Suffice to say, Cid doesn't.
> Tifa: Listen guys we can't be fooling around! We need to
> get Cait and the draginballs back quickly!
> Zelda: Okay guys! Hang on! Next stop, Ganon's Castle!!!
>
> Zelda plays the "Song of B***hes" on her ocarina and the
> crew warps to Ganon's Castle...
EON: You know, that could be a problem. I mean, you're sitting around playing the ocarina when all of a sudden you botch a note and end up transporting yourself to an ominous castle in the middle of nowhere.
SIG: I'd hate to be a minstrel.
SAMAS: Nah, they'd probably get hazard pay.
SIG: True, that...
>
> Zelda: We're here!!!
> Barret: Dis' is Ganon's castle!?!?
> Dav: What a crock of s**t! Why would Yuffie wanna come
> here!?!?
SIG: Good feng shui.
EON: No Jehovah's Witnesses.
TBS: Free water.
SAMAS: Cheap cable.
R.JAK: Nice view.
T.OGRE: Free internet access.
[All look at T.OGRE, who nods sagely.]
> Cloud: Maybe because Yuffie IS a crock of s**t!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!!
> Cloud: Hey that's Cait's line!!!
> Red XIII: Why are you using it then if it's Cait's line?
> Cloud: 'Cause I can and 'cause I feel like so shut
> up!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Crap! There's no way in!!!!!
> Link: There's a rainbow road that leads there.
> Aeris: I don't see a rainbow road.
EON: Oh, I think I remember this part. You need to get the Magic Herbs from Bahbmarli in order to see the bridge, and-- [notices the other riffers giving him strange looks] Never mind.
> Link: What do you mean you don't see it!?!? It's right
> over... Hey!! Where did the road go!?!?!?!?
> Zelda: I don't know!! Let me ask the sages!!! (closes her
> eyes) Oh sages, why have you taken down the rainbow road
> of good? Please, sages, if the dragonballs fall into those
> buyers' hands it's the end of the world as we know it!
R.JAK: They're SELLING the Dragon Balls?? What the FUCK? You don't just sell instant gratification!
> Rauru: (appears, drunk and singing) It's the end of the
> world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know
> it and I feel like s**t! (falls down in a drunken daze)
[EON twitches.]
TBS <Cloud>: Sorry, we're not taking on any new members right now.
SIG <Rauru>: Oh, frightfully sorry then old chap. Carry on.
> Zelda: That would explain why rainbow road is down! Rauru,
> how can you get drunk at a time like this!?!?
SIG <Rauru>: It's easy. First, I open the bottle, then I put it to my lips, and...
T.OGRE <Zelda>: Never mind.
> Rauru: Duhhh! Mee not drunk!! Mee never felt better in mee
> life.. Oh (barfs)
> Ruto: (runs up next to Rauru) You all right Mr. Rauru?
> Rauru: I'm... I'm... all right! Say you're a hotty! Wanna
> barf with me!?!? (barfs again)
SAMAS: Why, God? Why?
SIG: Well, they told the lion--
TBS: Dog.
SIG: Fine, *dog* -- he couldn't fart anymore. They obviously needed a new bodily function to take its place.
> Ruto: Hell no!!!
> Zelda: Ruto!!! Why is Rauru drunk!?!?!?
> Ruto: We had a party for the celebration of Nabooru's
> death! Nabooru, that hoe! She is such a whore!
R.JAK: That would be '*was* such a whore'. Or it would be if death was any impediment to continued involvement in this asinine excuse for a plot.
> Zelda: Never mind that!! We need the rainbow bridge and we
> need it now!!
> Ruto: Okay, okay hold your horses! (creates the rainbow
> road again) There!!!
> Zelda: Thank you Ruto. You've been most helpful!
> Ruto: Don't mention it!
SIG <Ruto>: Just remind Link to drop by *any* time for his *gift*.
> (Zelda disappears)
> Rauru: Duhh!!!! Hey baby!! Ya' need a waxing? I charge
> free!!
> Ruto: What are you talking about!?!?!?
> Rauru: Heh heh... wax... wax is funny!
> Ruto: Talk like a leader you drunken d**k! (kicks Rauru in
> the nuts)
TBS: Hey, he didn't disintegrate either! I PAID FOR TESTICULAR IMPACT-INDUCED DECOMPOSITION, DARN YOU!!
SIG: Rauru doesn't have any, either.
>
> The rainbow road once again appears...
SIG: Does it still have that one spot on the downhill slope where
you can take a massive shortcut by jumping off and landing on
the other side of the track?
[Just the relevant chunk of text; I was reminded that I meant to pick it up on my earlier swath of corrections, but somehow missed it in the excitement or lack thereof. -z]
TBS: Oh... then it's the guy that won public acclaim and criticism as the author of "The Manchurian Candidate" and led the development of the movie with Frank Sinatra.
[Long pause.]
R.JAK: Erm...that's Richard Condon.
TBS: Yes...
R.JAK: How the ring-tailed, wooly hell did you get RICHARD CONDON out of Shelock?
SIG: Probably out of Six Degrees of Dave & Dyne, but who'd play that?
"Yuffie," part ten and last! There are no winners... only survivors.
by
> Zelda thaws Barret out of the ice...
>
> Barret: Dat's better! Thanks, Zelda!
> Zelda: Don't mention it!!!!
> Link: What else could go wrong!?!?
> Dark Link: (appears out of nowhere) Ah ha! You have
> returned for a re-match against me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
> Link: Dark Link!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What the hell are you doing
> here!?!?!?
> Dark Link: Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious? I've been
> assigned to guard the dragon balls for the hot sexy leader
> of the Gerudos, Scarlet!
> Cid: Oh brother...
> Link: Go back to the Water Temple where you belong!!!!
> Dark Link: What if I don't want to? It'll be hard for you
> to defeat me because I can mimic every move you do!!!!!
> Link: Oh yeah? Can you mimic this?
> Dark Link: What?
> Link: (grabs Zelda and starts singing) Swing your partner
> 'round and 'round! Pick her up and throw her down! (picks
> her up between the legs and throws her down)
> Zelda: Oh Link!
> Link: (grabs Zelda's arms and continues singing) Slap your
> knees! Slap your thighs! Slap her @$$ then she'll slap
> mine! (songs done)
> Zelda: (slaps Link's @$$)
> Link: Spank it harder, baby!!!
> Dark Link: Oh, okay, you found out I can't mimic you when
> you sing gay songs and do gay dances!
> Link: Then go the hell! (beats the living s**t out of Dark
> Link with the Megaton Hammer)
> Dark Link: Oh.... poopy.... (dies)
> Red XIII: Now that that b.s. is over with, let's get the
> dragon balls!
>
> Zelda's party heads into the next room. Meanwhile in the
> tower...
>
> Captain Ginyu: Listen, you half cent whore! I'll only pay
> 400 Rupees and nothing more!!!!!
> Scarlet: Well, I want 100,000 Rupees and not one less!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Well go smack a dog!
> Scarlet: Go smack a pecan tree!
> Captain Ginyu: Go smack DiCrapio's mama!
> Scarlet: Go smack Winslut's dad!
> Cait Sith: (spits the grenade out) Why don't they just
> both shut the hell up!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Magnet stick on! Magnet stick off! Magnet stick
> on... (shoves the grenade back in Cait's mouth)
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmm!!!!!
> Yuffie: What? I can't hear you!?!?!?
> Scarlet: Yuffie! Gimmie your weapon! I'm gonna teach this
> guy a lesson on what happens when you mess with the
> Gerudos!!!!!
> Yuffie: Oh okay! (hands Scarlet her bra)
> Scarlet: Not your bra, you retard, your Conformer!!!
> Yuffie: No way! It's MY Conformer!
> Scarlet: Give it here now!!!
> Yuffie: No way! I won't let you take it!
> Scarlet: Hey Yuffie look! The Backstreet Boys are over
> there drooling over you!
> Yuffie: WHERE!?!?!? WHERE!?!?!?
> Scarlet: (grabs the Conformer) Stupid b***h! You'll fall
> for anything won't ya!!
> Yuffie: I'm not a b***h!
> Scarlet: Die Captain Poopoo! (swings the Conformer at
> Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: (breaks the Conformer into five pieces)
> Yuffie: My Conformer! It's broken! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
> Dav: (gets up the stairs first) Take it like the b***h you
> are, Yuffie!
> Captain Ginyu: Who are you!?!?!?
> Scarlet: Wha...wha...what's going on here!?!?
> Yuffie: YOU!?!?!?!? You call yourself a thief! I'm the
> best thief on this planet!
> Dav: First off, I'm a TREASURE hunter and second, a
> two-year old is better at stealing then you'll ever be,
> materia b***h!
> Cloud: That's telling her, Dav!!!
> Yuffie: Why you little... I'll finish you off! ALL
> CREATION!!!!
> Dav: (deflects it and it hits Scarlet in the pussy)
> Scarlet: (makes a groaning noise then dies)
> Yuffie; How did you deflect that!?!? That was my strongest
> move!!!
> Dav: Weak moves for a weak b***h!! You would be stronger
> if you hadn't spent so much time stealing materia!!!
> Yuffie: You'll still fall at the hands of the mighty
> Yuffie!!
> Dav: I don't think so, weak b***h! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!!
> Yuffie: AHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (gets sliced up into 20 pieces
> and dies)
> Cloud: Alright Dav!!!!
> Cait Sith: That's the way to kick a materia whore's
> @$$!!!!
> Vegeta: That was cool!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Vegeta!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Well, if it ain't Captain Ginyu of the GAYU
> FORCE!! Hahaahahaha!
> Captain Ginyu: Frieza will be thrilled to see your ugly
> face alive again!!!
> Vegeta: I see Freezer's become even more gay and stupid
> then before!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Your totally wrong...
> Vegeta: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: What's so funny!?!?
> Vegeta: I see you peed your pants!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Oh crap... I did!!!!
> (everyone laughs at him)
> Captain Ginyu: Stop laughing at me!!!
> (everyone continues to laugh)
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! I'm gonna get out of here but
> I'll return and get my revenge on all of you!!!!
> Goku: What a wuss!!!!
> Tifa: (unties Cait) Hey Cait, why the hell are you eating
> a grenade?
> Cait Sith: (takes the grenade out of his mouth and being
> sarcastic) Well since I was starving to death, I said to
> myself "Cait, if you don't eat something, your gonna die,"
> so I found a grenade and I was trying to eat it!
> Tifa: (shoves the grenade back into his mouth) That's
> nice! Now eat up!
> Cait Sith: (takes it back out) Some people are just plain
> f**kin' stupid!!!
> Vegeta: Let's go get my dragon balls back!!!
>
> Captain Ginyu flies off but in mid-air, gets hit by an
> on-coming comet. The comet smashes him through Zora's
> Domain and it collides, melting the ice there...
>
> King Zora: It's about time this place melted!!!! Ruto,
> push your old man in the water!!!!
> Ruto: I don't know, dad. I kinda' liked it frozen. I mean
> it was so peaceful and still.
> King Zora: Dammit, Ruto! Just push me into the water and
> then go to your room! No Discovery Channel for you
> tonight!!!
> Ruto: Ah crap!! (pushes King Zora over the edge)
> King Zora: (lands on an ice block) Ack! I'm getting too
> old for this!!
>
> Back at the castle...
>
> Zelda: We got the dragon balls back guys! Our mission is
> complete!
> Cloud: Plus we got all of our other stuff back!!
> Cait Sith: And I'm FINALLY free!!!!
> Vegeta: As a reward for all of you helping me retrieve my
> dragon balls, I'll allow for you to each get one wish!!
> Goku: Sorry, Vegeta, but I have to get back to my wife and
> Gohan. (looks at Vegeta's watch) Oh s**t! I'm 10 hours
> late for dinner! Well I'll see you all around some time!
> Bye!
> Zelda: Bye! Hey, Link, we should also be getting going!
> Dav: Must you leave so early?
> Zelda: I have a promise to fulfill! C'mon Link!!!!
> Link: Yeah baby!!!!!!
> Zelda: Bye!!!! (warps off to Link's house)
> Vincent: I, too, must go.
> Cid: Where are you going?
> Vincent: I have.... an errand to run.... I should be back
> by tonight... (flies off)
> Aeris: Where is going?
> Cloud: He better not go to that old guy's tool shed again!
> Last time we got a call a demon was in there doing the
> "whack a whack a ding dong" moaning out Yuffie's name!!!!
> Tifa: Eeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Well, I'm all for a caviar dinner so let's
> mosey.
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you
> say...
> Red XIII: We get the point already!!!
>
> While AVALANCHE and Vegeta made their way to the nearest
> caviar resturant, an alien ship was flying through the
> solar system...
>
> Visitor 1: Prepare for anal incision!
> Visitor 2: (opens up the butt crack) Eeeeewwwwwww!! It's
> infested!!!!
> Joe: (looking at a Playboy) Sweeeeeeeet!!!!!
> Visitor 2: God, if only I was a security guard for the
> Toys R Us back on our homeworld, I wouldn't have to stare
> up alien butt cracks!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeet!!! (flips the page and farts)
> Visitor 1: Ah s**t!! I almost stabbed myself with the anal
> probe!!!!
> Visitor 2: Just shut up and shove it up there!!!!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeeeetttttt!!!!
>
> In the now peaceful kingdom of Hyrule...
>
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh we've been saved!
> Guy 2: It's a miracle!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Vincent: (in Chaos form) Don't think your safe yet!! I
> am..... CHAOS!!!!
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh no! Run before we
> die!! Hahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: You shall not escape the wrath of.... CHAOS!!!
> Mwhahahahahahahaha!!!
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahaha!!! We're gonna die!!!
> Guy 1: (gets his head ripped off by Chaos)
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh no my head's gonna
> get ripped off also!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Vincent: You shall be slaughtered along with many gay
> people in this crappy kingdom of Hyrule!!!!
>
> Back at Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Vegeta has summoned the
> dragon so everyone can make their wish...
>
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you get one wish.
> Vegeta: I wish for a better sex life with Aeris!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Aeris: Yeah baby!!!!
> Barret: I wish I could beat Cloud and Vegeta in Goldeneye!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cloud: I wish Barret would shut up, sit down and eat
> tacos!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Barret: (sitting down and starts eating tacos) You foo'
> Cloud!
> Cait Sith: I wish for a lifetime supply of caviar!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (dozens of huge
> barrels appear behind him)
> Red XIII: I wish that everyone who calls me a crossbreed
> would get constipated for a month!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Paperboy: Message for a "Mr. Crossbreed!"
> Red XIII: Curses of steal! With a caviar meal! Give this
> worker of the nation! A month of constipation!!!
> Paperboy: What are you talking.... AHH!!! My stomach!!!! I
> need to poop!!!!!! (runs to the bathroom)
> Tifa: I wish that Cloud and I would have passionate love
> with me every night for the rest of our lives!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!
> Dav: I wish that Yuffie will never be able to be wished
> back to this dimension ever again!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cid: I want chicken! I want liver! Meow mix! Meow mix!
> Please deliver!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (hears a door bell)
> Aeris: I'll get it!!! (opens the door)
> Delivery Guy: Yeah, I'm hear to deliver some chicken,
> liver and two boxes of Meow mix to a Mr. Highwind. That'll
> be 2000 gil!!!!
> Aeris: Oh Cid!!!!!!!
> Cid: Wait a second! That wasn't my wish! I wish for Kate
> Winslit to come back!!
> Dragon: You've already made a wish.
> Cid: (flicks off the dragon)
> Dragon: (blows fire at Cid and burns his @$$ up)
> Cid: Owwwwwww!! M'kay?
> Cloud: Here's your money and I'll take the stuff!!!
> Delivery Guy: Thank you! (gets back in his crappy car)
> Aeris: I wish that my upcoming birth will be completely
> successful!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. Now I must depart.
> (the dragon disappears and the dragon balls, once again,
> are separated to the four corners of the earth)
> Cloud: Your gonna have a baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Aeris: Yep! I'm hoping ot's a girl!
> Cid: You better hope it doesn't have Fejita's brains OR
> looks!!!
> Vegeta: You goddamn piece of f**kin' s**t!!! I'll fry you
> to pieces.... at Goldeneye! C'mon Cloud!!!
> Cid: C'mon Barret, let's kick these guy's sorry @$$s....
> Barret?
> Barret: Not now foo'! I'm still eatin' tacos!!!!
>
> THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Zelda thaws Barret out of the ice...
>
> Barret: Dat's better! Thanks, Zelda!
> Zelda: Don't mention it!!!!
> Link: What else could go wrong!?!?
SIG: Well, you could find out your girlfriend has the clap...
> Dark Link: (appears out of nowhere) Ah ha! You have
> returned for a re-match against me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
T.OGRE: Or that could happen.
> Link: Dark Link!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What the hell are you doing
> here!?!?!?
TBS <Dark Link>: I tripped down a Dark flight of stairs and my Dark girlfriend laughed at me. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
> Dark Link: Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious? I've been
> assigned to guard the dragon balls for the hot sexy leader
> of the Gerudos, Scarlet!
SAMAS: I'm confused. Is this bottom of the barrel scraping, or just a unconventional attraction?
> Cid: Oh brother...
> Link: Go back to the Water Temple where you belong!!!!
> Dark Link: What if I don't want to? It'll be hard for you
> to defeat me because I can mimic every move you do!!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: Even the ones I did at that Salsa championships last spring? That got me first place?
R.JAK <Dark Link>: ESPECIALLY those.
T>OGRE <Link>: Aw, fuck!
> Link: Oh yeah? Can you mimic this?
> Dark Link: What?
> Link: (grabs Zelda and starts singing) Swing your partner
> 'round and 'round! Pick her up and throw her down! (picks
> her up between the legs and throws her down)
[ALL cringe heavily]
TBS: U GROPIN': AWFUL
T.OGRE: Jesus, he's doing it too?!
> Zelda: Oh Link!
> Link: (grabs Zelda's arms and continues singing) Slap your
> knees! Slap your thighs! Slap her @$$ then she'll slap
> mine! (songs done)
> Zelda: (slaps Link's @$$)
> Link: Spank it harder, baby!!!
R.JAK: Oy.
SAMAS: You know, Zelda seems to be pretty forgiving to someone who date-raped her earlier.
R.JAK: Thank you Akanepuff, now that memory I was trying to repress is coming back up again. Bitch.
SAMAS <Angry manga cross on his helmet>: No problem.
> Dark Link: Oh, okay, you found out I can't mimic you when
> you sing gay songs and do gay dances!
EON: Hey, whaddaya think I am, a member of the fuckin' Ginyu Force?!
> Link: Then go the hell! (beats the living s**t out of Dark
> Link with the Megaton Hammer)
> Dark Link: Oh.... poopy.... (dies)
> Red XIII: Now that that b.s. is over with, let's get the
> dragon balls!
>
> Zelda's party heads into the next room. Meanwhile in the
> tower...
TBS <Cap.Ginyu>: Yuffie, I am your father.
SIG <Yuffie>: Well, just when I think my life can't get any worse...
>
> Captain Ginyu: Listen, you half cent whore! I'll only pay
> 400 Rupees and nothing more!!!!!
> Scarlet: Well, I want 100,000 Rupees and not one less!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Well go smack a dog!
> Scarlet: Go smack a pecan tree!
SAMAS: Now this is a mature debate. Please excuse me while I disembowel myself.
> Captain Ginyu: Go smack DiCrapio's mama!
> Scarlet: Go smack Winslut's dad!
> Cait Sith: (spits the grenade out) Why don't they just
> both shut the hell up!?!?!?
T.OGRE: Because arguing and exchanging childish insults are FUN!
> Yuffie: Magnet stick on! Magnet stick off! Magnet stick
> on... (shoves the grenade back in Cait's mouth)
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmm!!!!!
> Yuffie: What? I can't hear you!?!?!?
SIG: Boy, with villans like this, who needs heroes?
> Scarlet: Yuffie! Gimmie your weapon! I'm gonna teach this
> guy a lesson on what happens when you mess with the
> Gerudos!!!!!
> Yuffie: Oh okay! (hands Scarlet her bra)
R.JAK <Yuffie>: Shall I autograph it for you?
> Scarlet: Not your bra, you retard, your Conformer!!!
> Yuffie: No way! It's MY Conformer!
> Scarlet: Give it here now!!!
> Yuffie: No way! I won't let you take it!
> Scarlet: Hey Yuffie look! The Backstreet Boys are over
> there drooling over you!
TBS: Eww...
EON: What? She's only sixteen!
> Yuffie: WHERE!?!?!? WHERE!?!?!?
> Scarlet: (grabs the Conformer) Stupid b***h! You'll fall
> for anything won't ya!!
> Yuffie: I'm not a b***h!
> Scarlet: Die Captain Poopoo! (swings the Conformer at
> Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: (breaks the Conformer into five pieces)
SIG: 'Cause he's just that cool, to break a four-pointed shuruiken in five pieces.
> Yuffie: My Conformer! It's broken! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
> Dav: (gets up the stairs first) Take it like the b***h you
> are, Yuffie!
> Captain Ginyu: Who are you!?!?!?
SAMAS <Dav>: I'm Batman!
> Scarlet: Wha...wha...what's going on here!?!?
> Yuffie: YOU!?!?!?!? You call yourself a thief! I'm the
> best thief on this planet!
> Dav: First off, I'm a TREASURE hunter and second, a
> two-year old is better at stealing then you'll ever be,
> materia b***h!
EON: She's living in... No wait, that's been done.
> Cloud: That's telling her, Dav!!!
> Yuffie: Why you little... I'll finish you off! ALL
> CREATION!!!!
> Dav: (deflects it and it hits Scarlet in the pussy)
[ALL fall silent. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot screams]
T.OGRE: What the fuck was that?
SIG: That looks damn painful.
KAO <Over the intercom>: You're damn right it's damn painful!
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
EON: But should the force of the blast just rip her legs off?
SAMAS: Maybe. But why the fucking crotch?! It's not like women have balls. Puff
COSMOS <Over the intercom>: It does hurt, yours are just more vunerable.
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
> Scarlet: (makes a groaning noise then dies)
> Yuffie; How did you deflect that!?!? That was my strongest
> move!!!
R.JAK: Because I'm a FUCKING MARY SUE who won't sell a spitball shot!
SIG <Wanderer>: LOOK AT ME, I'M A FANFIC WRITER!
> Dav: Weak moves for a weak b***h!! You would be stronger
> if you hadn't spent so much time stealing materia!!!
> Yuffie: You'll still fall at the hands of the mighty
> Yuffie!!
> Dav: I don't think so, weak b***h! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!!
> Yuffie: AHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (gets sliced up into 20 pieces
> and dies)
T.OGRE: Boooring! And this is supposed to be the final fight?
> Cloud: Alright Dav!!!!
> Cait Sith: That's the way to kick a materia whore's
> @$$!!!!
> Vegeta: That was cool!!!
TBS <Vegeta>: So cool, in fact, that I'll eat you with butter now.
> Captain Ginyu: Vegeta!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Well, if it ain't Captain Ginyu of the GAYU
> FORCE!! Hahaahahaha!
> Captain Ginyu: Frieza will be thrilled to see your ugly
> face alive again!!!
> Vegeta: I see Freezer's become even more gay and stupid
> then before!!!!
EON: You know, I think I would be able to predict this ficto about three lines!
> Captain Ginyu: Your totally wrong...
> Vegeta: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: What's so funny!?!?
> Vegeta: I see you peed your pants!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Oh crap... I did!!!!
> (everyone laughs at him)
ALL <Cats>: HA HA HA HA.
> Captain Ginyu: Stop laughing at me!!!
> (everyone continues to laugh)
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! I'm gonna get out of here but
> I'll return and get my revenge on all of you!!!!
TBS <Ginyu>: Ginyu Force, RETREAT!!! Oh wait, it's just me... See ya!
> Goku: What a wuss!!!!
> Tifa: (unties Cait) Hey Cait, why the hell are you eating
> a grenade?
R.Jak <Cait Sith>: It's Jane Fonda's latest diet! All I do is eat one grenade a day, then the pounds fall off in weeks!
> Cait Sith: (takes the grenade out of his mouth and being
> sarcastic) Well since I was starving to death, I said to
> myself "Cait, if you don't eat something, your gonna die,"
> so I found a grenade and I was trying to eat it!
> Tifa: (shoves the grenade back into his mouth) That's
> nice! Now eat up!
> Cait Sith: (takes it back out) Some people are just plain
> f**kin' stupid!!!
ALL: Speak for yourself.
> Vegeta: Let's go get my dragon balls back!!!
>
> Captain Ginyu flies off but in mid-air, gets hit by an
> on-coming comet. The comet smashes him through Zora's
> Domain and it collides, melting the ice there...
>
> King Zora: It's about time this place melted!!!! Ruto,
> push your old man in the water!!!!
> Ruto: I don't know, dad. I kinda' liked it frozen. I mean
> it was so peaceful and still.
> King Zora: Dammit, Ruto! Just push me into the water and
> then go to your room! No Discovery Channel for you
> tonight!!!
> Ruto: Ah crap!! (pushes King Zora over the edge)
> King Zora: (lands on an ice block) Ack! I'm getting too
> old for this!!
>
> Back at the castle...
>
> Zelda: We got the dragon balls back guys! Our mission is
> complete!
R.JAK <Zelda>: And our hit total is 200! We've got a medal, people!
[ALL cheer. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
R>JAK: And can someone please shut him up?!
> Cloud: Plus we got all of our other stuff back!!
> Cait Sith: And I'm FINALLY free!!!!
> Vegeta: As a reward for all of you helping me retrieve my
> dragon balls, I'll allow for you to each get one wish!!
T.OGRE: I wish for a decent booker.
SAMAS: I wish the MMK would stop call me Jigglypuff.
EON: I wish I had a donut.
R.JAK: I wish I got that Quistis plushie I saw today...
> Goku: Sorry, Vegeta, but I have to get back to my wife and
> Gohan. (looks at Vegeta's watch) Oh s**t! I'm 10 hours
> late for dinner! Well I'll see you all around some time!
> Bye!
T.OGRE: The next day, Goku was found at the family home, hanging by his shoulders from meat hooks, disemboweled, castrated and legless. Chi-Chi couldn't take it anymore.
> Zelda: Bye! Hey, Link, we should also be getting going!
> Dav: Must you leave so early?
> Zelda: I have a promise to fulfill! C'mon Link!!!!
> Link: Yeah baby!!!!!!
SAMAS <Link>: Now I can have sex with her without it being called rape! Happy day!
> Zelda: Bye!!!! (warps off to Link's house)
> Vincent: I, too, must go.
> Cid: Where are you going?
> Vincent: I have.... an errand to run.... I should be back
> by tonight... (flies off)
SIG: Yeah, for HOJO. [singing] Vincent and Hojo sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
[Awkward pause]
T.OGRE: Oh yuck!
TBS: You sick fuck!
> Aeris: Where is going?
> Cloud: He better not go to that old guy's tool shed again!
> Last time we got a call a demon was in there doing the
> "whack a whack a ding dong" moaning out Yuffie's name!!!!
> Tifa: Eeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
TBS: No, that was Racewing, he fucked up the incantation.
T.OGRE: What the fuck was Racewing doing in the fanfic?!
TBS: In the fanfic?
> Cait Sith: Well, I'm all for a caviar dinner so let's
> mosey.
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you
> say...
> Red XIII: We get the point already!!!
>
> While AVALANCHE and Vegeta made their way to the nearest
> caviar resturant, an alien ship was flying through the
> solar system...
>
> Visitor 1: Prepare for anal incision!
> Visitor 2: (opens up the butt crack) Eeeeewwwwwww!! It's
> infested!!!!
> Joe: (looking at a Playboy) Sweeeeeeeet!!!!!
> Visitor 2: God, if only I was a security guard for the
> Toys R Us back on our homeworld, I wouldn't have to stare
> up alien butt cracks!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeet!!! (flips the page and farts)
> Visitor 1: Ah s**t!! I almost stabbed myself with the anal
> probe!!!!
> Visitor 2: Just shut up and shove it up there!!!!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeeeetttttt!!!!
>
> In the now peaceful kingdom of Hyrule...
>
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh we've been saved!
> Guy 2: It's a miracle!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
SIG <Guy 1>: Now we're safe to enjoy our nitrous oxide! Hahahahhahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: (in Chaos form) Don't think your safe yet!! I
> am..... CHAOS!!!!
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh no! Run before we
> die!! Hahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: You shall not escape the wrath of.... CHAOS!!!
> Mwhahahahahahahaha!!!
SAMAS <Vincent>: You bastards, you left the gas on! Mwahahahahaha!!
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahaha!!! We're gonna die!!!
> Guy 1: (gets his head ripped off by Chaos)
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh no my head's gonna
> get ripped off also!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Vincent: You shall be slaughtered along with many gay
> people in this crappy kingdom of Hyrule!!!!
EON <Vincent>: No-one can take that much laughing!
> Back at Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Vegeta has summoned the
> dragon so everyone can make their wish...
>
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you get one wish.
> Vegeta: I wish for a better sex life with Aeris!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
EON <Shen-Long>: Why do 85% of these people's wishes involve sex?
> Aeris: Yeah baby!!!!
> Barret: I wish I could beat Cloud and Vegeta in Goldeneye!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SAMAS <Cloud>: Hey, Barret, we think Goldeneye sucks shit now, let's play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
TBS <oddly cheerful>: I'll play as Mai Shiranui! She's beautiful, smart and funny, and her special moves kick ass, and she's the sexiest girl around, even sexier than the Dead or Alive girls!
[A familiar red thong falls down into TBS's lap. He takes a sniff at it.]
TBS: Woo hoo, used, just the way I like 'em! <wears the panties on his head>
> Cloud: I wish Barret would shut up, sit down and eat
> tacos!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Barret: (sitting down and starts eating tacos) You foo'
> Cloud!
EON <Barret>: Tacos give me gas!
> Cait Sith: I wish for a lifetime supply of caviar!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (dozens of huge
> barrels appear behind him)
> Red XIII: I wish that everyone who calls me a crossbreed
> would get constipated for a month!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Paperboy: Message for a "Mr. Crossbreed!"
> Red XIII: Curses of steal! With a caviar meal! Give this
> worker of the nation! A month of constipation!!!
> Paperboy: What are you talking.... AHH!!! My stomach!!!! I
> need to poop!!!!!! (runs to the bathroom)
> Tifa: I wish that Cloud and I would have passionate love
> with me every night for the rest of our lives!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Hey, you copied my wish! I'll kill you now!
> Dav: I wish that Yuffie will never be able to be wished
> back to this dimension ever again!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SIG: Fucking dubbie.
EON: Well, that's a relief for them. I wonder what dimension she might end up in?
[An feminine shadow zips past the screen]
> Cid: I want chicken! I want liver! Meow mix! Meow mix!
> Please deliver!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (hears a door bell)
> Aeris: I'll get it!!! (opens the door)
> Delivery Guy: Yeah, I'm hear to deliver some chicken,
> liver and two boxes of Meow mix to a Mr. Highwind. That'll
> be 2000 gil!!!!
> Aeris: Oh Cid!!!!!!!
> Cid: Wait a second! That wasn't my wish! I wish for Kate
> Winslit to come back!!
> Dragon: You've already made a wish.
> Cid: (flicks off the dragon)
> Dragon: (blows fire at Cid and burns his @$$ up)
> Cid: Owwwwwww!! M'kay?
> Cloud: Here's your money and I'll take the stuff!!!
> Delivery Guy: Thank you! (gets back in his crappy car)
> Aeris: I wish that my upcoming birth will be completely
> successful!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. Now I must depart.
TBS: Sometime later, Aeris gave birth to a bouncing baby girl, who promptly blew her and Vegeta to pieces, then grew up to rule the universe with an iron fist. The end.
> (the dragon disappears and the dragon balls, once again,
> are separated to the four corners of the earth)
> Cloud: Your gonna have a baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Aeris: Yep! I'm hoping ot's a girl!
> Cid: You better hope it doesn't have Fejita's brains OR
> looks!!!
> Vegeta: You goddamn piece of f**kin' s**t!!! I'll fry you
> to pieces.... at Goldeneye! C'mon Cloud!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: But I wanna play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
T.OGRE: Snot, shut the fuck up.
TBS: Ooookay...
> Cid: C'mon Barret, let's kick these guy's sorry @$$s....
> Barret?
> Barret: Not now foo'! I'm still eatin' tacos!!!!
>
> THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Zelda thaws Barret out of the ice...
>
> Barret: Dat's better! Thanks, Zelda!
> Zelda: Don't mention it!!!!
> Link: What else could go wrong!?!?
SIG: Well, you could find out your girlfriend has the clap...
> Dark Link: (appears out of nowhere) Ah ha! You have
> returned for a re-match against me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
T.OGRE: Or that could happen.
> Link: Dark Link!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What the hell are you doing
> here!?!?!?
TBS <Dark Link>: I tripped down a Dark flight of stairs and my Dark girlfriend laughed at me. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
> Dark Link: Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious? I've been
> assigned to guard the dragon balls for the hot sexy leader
> of the Gerudos, Scarlet!
SAMAS: I'm confused. Is this bottom of the barrel scraping, or just a unconventional attraction?
> Cid: Oh brother...
> Link: Go back to the Water Temple where you belong!!!!
> Dark Link: What if I don't want to? It'll be hard for you
> to defeat me because I can mimic every move you do!!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: Even the ones I did at that Salsa championships last spring? That got me first place?
R.JAK <Dark Link>: ESPECIALLY those.
T>OGRE <Link>: Aw, fuck!
> Link: Oh yeah? Can you mimic this?
> Dark Link: What?
> Link: (grabs Zelda and starts singing) Swing your partner
> 'round and 'round! Pick her up and throw her down! (picks
> her up between the legs and throws her down)
[ALL cringe heavily]
TBS: U GROPIN': AWFUL
T.OGRE: Jesus, he's doing it too?!
> Zelda: Oh Link!
> Link: (grabs Zelda's arms and continues singing) Slap your
> knees! Slap your thighs! Slap her @$$ then she'll slap
> mine! (songs done)
> Zelda: (slaps Link's @$$)
> Link: Spank it harder, baby!!!
R.JAK: Oy.
SAMAS: You know, Zelda seems to be pretty forgiving to someone who date-raped her earlier.
R.JAK: Thank you Akanepuff, now that memory I was trying to repress is coming back up again. Bitch.
SAMAS <Angry manga cross on his helmet>: No problem.
> Dark Link: Oh, okay, you found out I can't mimic you when
> you sing gay songs and do gay dances!
EON: Hey, whaddaya think I am, a member of the fuckin' Ginyu Force?!
> Link: Then go the hell! (beats the living s**t out of Dark
> Link with the Megaton Hammer)
> Dark Link: Oh.... poopy.... (dies)
> Red XIII: Now that that b.s. is over with, let's get the
> dragon balls!
>
> Zelda's party heads into the next room. Meanwhile in the
> tower...
TBS <Cap.Ginyu>: Yuffie, I am your father.
SIG <Yuffie>: Well, just when I think my life can't get any worse...
>
> Captain Ginyu: Listen, you half cent whore! I'll only pay
> 400 Rupees and nothing more!!!!!
> Scarlet: Well, I want 100,000 Rupees and not one less!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Well go smack a dog!
> Scarlet: Go smack a pecan tree!
SAMAS: Now this is a mature debate. Please excuse me while I disembowel myself.
> Captain Ginyu: Go smack DiCrapio's mama!
> Scarlet: Go smack Winslut's dad!
> Cait Sith: (spits the grenade out) Why don't they just
> both shut the hell up!?!?!?
T.OGRE: Because arguing and exchanging childish insults are FUN!
> Yuffie: Magnet stick on! Magnet stick off! Magnet stick
> on... (shoves the grenade back in Cait's mouth)
TBS <singing>: Don't put a Yuffie on a plate; she'll use her magnet to escape.
SIG: Boy, with villans like this, who needs heroes?
> Scarlet: Yuffie! Gimmie your weapon! I'm gonna teach this
> guy a lesson on what happens when you mess with the
> Gerudos!!!!!
> Yuffie: Oh okay! (hands Scarlet her bra)
R.JAK <Yuffie>: Shall I autograph it for you?
> Scarlet: Not your bra, you retard, your Conformer!!!
> Yuffie: No way! It's MY Conformer!
> Scarlet: Give it here now!!!
> Yuffie: No way! I won't let you take it!
> Scarlet: Hey Yuffie look! The Backstreet Boys are over
> there drooling over you!
TBS: Eww...
EON: What? She's only sixteen!
> Yuffie: WHERE!?!?!? WHERE!?!?!?
> Scarlet: (grabs the Conformer) Stupid b***h! You'll fall
> for anything won't ya!!
> Yuffie: I'm not a b***h!
> Scarlet: Die Captain Poopoo! (swings the Conformer at
> Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: (breaks the Conformer into five pieces)
SIG: 'Cause he's just that cool, to break a four-pointed shuruiken in five pieces.
> Yuffie: My Conformer! It's broken! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
> Dav: (gets up the stairs first) Take it like the b***h you
> are, Yuffie!
> Captain Ginyu: Who are you!?!?!?
SAMAS <Dav>: I'm Batman!
> Scarlet: Wha...wha...what's going on here!?!?
> Yuffie: YOU!?!?!?!? You call yourself a thief! I'm the
> best thief on this planet!
> Dav: First off, I'm a TREASURE hunter and second, a
> two-year old is better at stealing then you'll ever be,
> materia b***h!
EON: She's living in... No wait, that's been done.
> Cloud: That's telling her, Dav!!!
> Yuffie: Why you little... I'll finish you off! ALL
> CREATION!!!!
> Dav: (deflects it and it hits Scarlet in the pussy)
[ALL fall silent. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot screams]
T.OGRE: What the fuck was that?
SIG: That looks damn painful.
KAO <Over the intercom>: You're damn right it's damn painful!
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
EON: But should the force of the blast just rip her legs off?
SAMAS: Maybe. But why the fucking crotch?! It's not like women have balls. Puff
COSMOS <Over the intercom>: It does hurt, yours are just more vunerable.
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
> Scarlet: (makes a groaning noise then dies)
> Yuffie; How did you deflect that!?!? That was my strongest
> move!!!
R.JAK: Because I'm a FUCKING MARY SUE who won't sell a spitball shot!
SIG <Wanderer>: LOOK AT ME, I'M A FANFIC WRITER!
> Dav: Weak moves for a weak b***h!! You would be stronger
> if you hadn't spent so much time stealing materia!!!
> Yuffie: You'll still fall at the hands of the mighty
> Yuffie!!
> Dav: I don't think so, weak b***h! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!!
> Yuffie: AHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (gets sliced up into 20 pieces
> and dies)
T.OGRE: Boooring! And this is supposed to be the final fight?
TBS: And she didn't even get to decapitate herself. Dammit.
> Cloud: Alright Dav!!!!
> Cait Sith: That's the way to kick a materia whore's
> @$$!!!!
> Vegeta: That was cool!!!
TBS <Vegeta>: So cool, in fact, that I'll eat you with butter now.
> Captain Ginyu: Vegeta!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Well, if it ain't Captain Ginyu of the GAYU
> FORCE!! Hahaahahaha!
> Captain Ginyu: Frieza will be thrilled to see your ugly
> face alive again!!!
> Vegeta: I see Freezer's become even more gay and stupid
> then before!!!!
EON: You know, I think I would be able to predict this ficto about three lines!
> Captain Ginyu: Your totally wrong...
> Vegeta: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: What's so funny!?!?
> Vegeta: I see you peed your pants!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Oh crap... I did!!!!
> (everyone laughs at him)
ALL <Cats>: HA HA HA HA.
> Captain Ginyu: Stop laughing at me!!!
> (everyone continues to laugh)
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! I'm gonna get out of here but
> I'll return and get my revenge on all of you!!!!
TBS <Ginyu>: Ginyu Force, RETREAT!!! Oh wait, it's just me... See ya!
> Goku: What a wuss!!!!
> Tifa: (unties Cait) Hey Cait, why the hell are you eating
> a grenade?
R.Jak <Cait Sith>: It's Jane Fonda's latest diet! All I do is eat one grenade a day, then the pounds fall off in weeks!
> Cait Sith: (takes the grenade out of his mouth and being
> sarcastic) Well since I was starving to death, I said to
> myself "Cait, if you don't eat something, your gonna die,"
> so I found a grenade and I was trying to eat it!
> Tifa: (shoves the grenade back into his mouth) That's
> nice! Now eat up!
> Cait Sith: (takes it back out) Some people are just plain
> f**kin' stupid!!!
ALL: Speak for yourself.
> Vegeta: Let's go get my dragon balls back!!!
>
> Captain Ginyu flies off but in mid-air, gets hit by an
> on-coming comet. The comet smashes him through Zora's
> Domain and it collides, melting the ice there...
>
> King Zora: It's about time this place melted!!!! Ruto,
> push your old man in the water!!!!
> Ruto: I don't know, dad. I kinda' liked it frozen. I mean
> it was so peaceful and still.
> King Zora: Dammit, Ruto! Just push me into the water and
> then go to your room! No Discovery Channel for you
> tonight!!!
TBS: NO MAMMALS? WAAAAH!
> Ruto: Ah crap!! (pushes King Zora over the edge)
> King Zora: (lands on an ice block) Ack! I'm getting too
> old for this!!
>
> Back at the castle...
>
> Zelda: We got the dragon balls back guys! Our mission is
> complete!
R.JAK <Zelda>: And our hit total is 200! We've got a medal, people!
[ALL cheer. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
R>JAK: And can someone please shut him up?!
> Cloud: Plus we got all of our other stuff back!!
> Cait Sith: And I'm FINALLY free!!!!
> Vegeta: As a reward for all of you helping me retrieve my
> dragon balls, I'll allow for you to each get one wish!!
T.OGRE: I wish for a decent booker.
SAMAS: I wish the MMK would stop call me Jigglypuff.
EON: I wish I had a donut.
R.JAK: I wish I got that Quistis plushie I saw today...
> Goku: Sorry, Vegeta, but I have to get back to my wife and
> Gohan. (looks at Vegeta's watch) Oh s**t! I'm 10 hours
> late for dinner! Well I'll see you all around some time!
> Bye!
T.OGRE: The next day, Goku was found at the family home, hanging by his shoulders from meat hooks, disemboweled, castrated and legless. Chi-Chi couldn't take it anymore.
> Zelda: Bye! Hey, Link, we should also be getting going!
> Dav: Must you leave so early?
> Zelda: I have a promise to fulfill! C'mon Link!!!!
> Link: Yeah baby!!!!!!
SAMAS <Link>: Now I can have sex with her without it being called rape! Happy day!
> Zelda: Bye!!!! (warps off to Link's house)
> Vincent: I, too, must go.
> Cid: Where are you going?
> Vincent: I have.... an errand to run.... I should be back
> by tonight... (flies off)
SIG: Yeah, for HOJO. [singing] Vincent and Hojo sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
[Awkward pause]
T.OGRE: Oh yuck!
TBS: You sick fuck!
> Aeris: Where is going?
> Cloud: He better not go to that old guy's tool shed again!
> Last time we got a call a demon was in there doing the
> "whack a whack a ding dong" moaning out Yuffie's name!!!!
> Tifa: Eeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
TBS: No, that was Racewing, he fucked up the incantation.
T.OGRE: What the fuck was Racewing doing in the fanfic?!
TBS: In the fanfic?
> Cait Sith: Well, I'm all for a caviar dinner so let's
> mosey.
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you
> say...
> Red XIII: We get the point already!!!
>
R.JAK: No you don't. You thumb-heads couldn't get a point if you were hosed down with point pheromones and dropped into a field of points at the height of point mating season.
> While AVALANCHE and Vegeta made their way to the nearest
> caviar resturant, an alien ship was flying through the
> solar system...
>
> Visitor 1: Prepare for anal incision!
> Visitor 2: (opens up the butt crack) Eeeeewwwwwww!! It's
> infested!!!!
> Joe: (looking at a Playboy) Sweeeeeeeet!!!!!
> Visitor 2: God, if only I was a security guard for the
> Toys R Us back on our homeworld, I wouldn't have to stare
> up alien butt cracks!
EON: Remember, "Klaatu barada nikto" is Reticulian for "Squeal like a pig, boy!"
[T.OGRE powerbombs EON, just because.]
> Joe: Sweeeeeeet!!! (flips the page and farts)
> Visitor 1: Ah s**t!! I almost stabbed myself with the anal
> probe!!!!
> Visitor 2: Just shut up and shove it up there!!!!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeeeetttttt!!!!
>
> In the now peaceful kingdom of Hyrule...
>
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh we've been saved!
> Guy 2: It's a miracle!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
SIG <Guy 1>: Now we're safe to enjoy our nitrous oxide! Hahahahhahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: (in Chaos form) Don't think your safe yet!! I
> am..... CHAOS!!!!
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh no! Run before we
> die!! Hahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: You shall not escape the wrath of.... CHAOS!!!
> Mwhahahahahahahaha!!!
SAMAS <Vincent>: You bastards, you left the gas on! Mwahahahahaha!!
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahaha!!! We're gonna die!!!
> Guy 1: (gets his head ripped off by Chaos)
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh no my head's gonna
> get ripped off also!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Vincent: You shall be slaughtered along with many gay
> people in this crappy kingdom of Hyrule!!!!
EON <Vincent>: No-one can take that much laughing!
> Back at Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Vegeta has summoned the
> dragon so everyone can make their wish...
>
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you get one wish.
> Vegeta: I wish for a better sex life with Aeris!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
EON <Shen-Long>: Why do 85% of these people's wishes involve sex?
> Aeris: Yeah baby!!!!
> Barret: I wish I could beat Cloud and Vegeta in Goldeneye!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SAMAS <Cloud>: Hey, Barret, we think Goldeneye sucks shit now, let's play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
TBS <oddly cheerful>: I'll play as Mai Shiranui! She's beautiful, smart and funny, and her special moves kick ass, and she's the sexiest girl around, even sexier than the Dead or Alive girls!
[A familiar red thong falls down into TBS's lap. He takes a sniff at it.]
TBS: Woo hoo, used, just the way I like 'em! <wears the panties on his head>
> Cloud: I wish Barret would shut up, sit down and eat
> tacos!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Barret: (sitting down and starts eating tacos) You foo'
> Cloud!
EON <Barret>: Tacos give me gas!
> Cait Sith: I wish for a lifetime supply of caviar!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (dozens of huge
> barrels appear behind him)
> Red XIII: I wish that everyone who calls me a crossbreed
> would get constipated for a month!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Paperboy: Message for a "Mr. Crossbreed!"
> Red XIII: Curses of steal! With a caviar meal! Give this
> worker of the nation! A month of constipation!!!
> Paperboy: What are you talking.... AHH!!! My stomach!!!! I
> need to poop!!!!!! (runs to the bathroom)
> Tifa: I wish that Cloud and I would have passionate love
> with me every night for the rest of our lives!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Hey, you copied my wish! I'll kill you now!
> Dav: I wish that Yuffie will never be able to be wished
> back to this dimension ever again!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SIG: Fucking dubbie.
EON: Well, that's a relief for them. I wonder what dimension she might end up in?
[An feminine shadow zips past the screen]
> Cid: I want chicken! I want liver! Meow mix! Meow mix!
> Please deliver!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (hears a door bell)
> Aeris: I'll get it!!! (opens the door)
> Delivery Guy: Yeah, I'm hear to deliver some chicken,
> liver and two boxes of Meow mix to a Mr. Highwind. That'll
> be 2000 gil!!!!
EON <Frank>: It's Baxter!
> Aeris: Oh Cid!!!!!!!
> Cid: Wait a second! That wasn't my wish! I wish for Kate
> Winslit to come back!!
> Dragon: You've already made a wish.
> Cid: (flicks off the dragon)
> Dragon: (blows fire at Cid and burns his @$$ up)
> Cid: Owwwwwww!! M'kay?
> Cloud: Here's your money and I'll take the stuff!!!
> Delivery Guy: Thank you! (gets back in his crappy car)
> Aeris: I wish that my upcoming birth will be completely
> successful!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. Now I must depart.
TBS: Sometime later, Aeris gave birth to a bouncing baby girl, who promptly blew her and Vegeta to pieces, then grew up to rule the universe with an iron fist. The end.
> (the dragon disappears and the dragon balls, once again,
> are separated to the four corners of the earth)
> Cloud: Your gonna have a baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Aeris: Yep! I'm hoping ot's a girl!
> Cid: You better hope it doesn't have Fejita's brains OR
> looks!!!
> Vegeta: You goddamn piece of f**kin' s**t!!! I'll fry you
> to pieces.... at Goldeneye! C'mon Cloud!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: But I wanna play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
T.OGRE: Snot, shut the fuck up.
TBS: Ooookay...
> Cid: C'mon Barret, let's kick these guy's sorry @$$s....
> Barret?
> Barret: Not now foo'! I'm still eatin' tacos!!!!
>
> THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
R.JAK: And about damn time, too.
> Zelda thaws Barret out of the ice...
>
> Barret: Dat's better! Thanks, Zelda!
> Zelda: Don't mention it!!!!
> Link: What else could go wrong!?!?
SIG: Well, you could find out your girlfriend has the clap...
> Dark Link: (appears out of nowhere) Ah ha! You have
> returned for a re-match against me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
T.OGRE: Or that could happen.
SAMAS: "Evil" palette-swapped characters: If they're good
enough for Capcom, then damn it, they're good enough for you!
TBS <Earthworm Jim>: Saaaaay... we're opposites, right? So if
I hate losing, you must hate winning!
EON <Evil Jim>: Oh please, I'm not going to fall for *that* one...
> Link: Dark Link!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What the hell are you doing
> here!?!?!?
TBS <Dark Link>: I tripped down a Dark flight of stairs and my Dark girlfriend laughed at me. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
> Dark Link: Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious? I've been
> assigned to guard the dragon balls for the hot sexy leader
> of the Gerudos, Scarlet!
SAMAS: I'm confused. Is this bottom of the barrel scraping, or just a unconventional attraction?
> Cid: Oh brother...
T.OGRE: ...where art thou?
> Link: Go back to the Water Temple where you belong!!!!
> Dark Link: What if I don't want to? It'll be hard for you
> to defeat me because I can mimic every move you do!!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: Even the ones I did at that Salsa championships last spring? That got me first place?
R.JAK <Dark Link>: ESPECIALLY those.
T>OGRE <Link>: Aw, fuck!
> Link: Oh yeah? Can you mimic this?
> Dark Link: What?
[EON and TBS look at each other and nod solemnly.]
T.OGRE: Well, it's nice to know that you two learned your-
TBS <Dark Link>: Dear GOD, man, I don't think I WANT to mimic
that! Geez, that poor Bombchu...
[T.OGRE facepalms.]
T.OGRE <muttering>: I don't even know why I bother...
> Link: (grabs Zelda and starts singing) Swing your partner
> 'round and 'round! Pick her up and throw her down! (picks
> her up between the legs and throws her down)
[ALL cringe heavily]
TBS: U GROPIN': AWFUL
T.OGRE: Jesus, he's doing it too?!
> Zelda: Oh Link!
> Link: (grabs Zelda's arms and continues singing) Slap your
> knees! Slap your thighs! Slap her @$$ then she'll slap
> mine! (songs done)
> Zelda: (slaps Link's @$$)
> Link: Spank it harder, baby!!!
R.JAK: Oy.
SAMAS: You know, Zelda seems to be pretty forgiving to someone who date-raped her earlier.
R.JAK: Thank you Akanepuff, now that memory I was trying to repress is coming back up again. Bitch.
SAMAS <Angry manga cross on his helmet>: No problem.
> Dark Link: Oh, okay, you found out I can't mimic you when
> you sing gay songs and do gay dances!
EON: Hey, whaddaya think I am, a member of the fuckin' Ginyu Force?!
> Link: Then go the hell! (beats the living s**t out of Dark
> Link with the Megaton Hammer)
TBS <Homer Simpson>: Stupid evil clone! You go squish now!
> Dark Link: Oh.... poopy.... (dies)
> Red XIII: Now that that b.s. is over with, let's get the
> dragon balls!
>
> Zelda's party heads into the next room. Meanwhile in the
> tower...
TBS <Cap.Ginyu>: Yuffie, I am your father.
SIG <Yuffie>: Well, just when I think my life can't get any worse...
>
> Captain Ginyu: Listen, you half cent whore! I'll only pay
> 400 Rupees and nothing more!!!!!
> Scarlet: Well, I want 100,000 Rupees and not one less!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Well go smack a dog!
> Scarlet: Go smack a pecan tree!
SAMAS: Now this is a mature debate. Please excuse me while I disembowel myself.
> Captain Ginyu: Go smack DiCrapio's mama!
> Scarlet: Go smack Winslut's dad!
EON: Go smack my bitch up.
> Cait Sith: (spits the grenade out) Why don't they just
> both shut the hell up!?!?!?
T.OGRE: Because arguing and exchanging childish insults are FUN!
> Yuffie: Magnet stick on! Magnet stick off! Magnet stick
> on... (shoves the grenade back in Cait's mouth)
TBS <singing>: Don't put a Yuffie on a plate; she'll use her magnet to escape.
EON: Cait Sith made of steel, Yuffie has a... um, grenade.
SIG: Boy, with villans like this, who needs heroes?
> Scarlet: Yuffie! Gimmie your weapon! I'm gonna teach this
> guy a lesson on what happens when you mess with the
> Gerudos!!!!!
> Yuffie: Oh okay! (hands Scarlet her bra)
R.JAK <Yuffie>: Shall I autograph it for you?
> Scarlet: Not your bra, you retard, your Conformer!!!
> Yuffie: No way! It's MY Conformer!
> Scarlet: Give it here now!!!
> Yuffie: No way! I won't let you take it!
> Scarlet: Hey Yuffie look! The Backstreet Boys are over
> there drooling over you!
TBS: Eww...
EON: What? She's only sixteen!
> Yuffie: WHERE!?!?!? WHERE!?!?!?
> Scarlet: (grabs the Conformer) Stupid b***h! You'll fall
> for anything won't ya!!
> Yuffie: I'm not a b***h!
EON <singing>: The only things you wanna see are kitsch, and the
only thing you wanna be is rich, and your little pink up-turned
nose begins to twitch, I know you know you're just a little
bitch!
> Scarlet: Die Captain Poopoo! (swings the Conformer at
> Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: (breaks the Conformer into five pieces)
SIG: 'Cause he's just that cool, to break a four-pointed shuruiken in five pieces.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: Next time I'm buying an American-made ultimate
weapon!
> Yuffie: My Conformer! It's broken! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
> Dav: (gets up the stairs first) Take it like the b***h you
> are, Yuffie!
> Captain Ginyu: Who are you!?!?!?
SAMAS <Dav>: I'm Batman!
> Scarlet: Wha...wha...what's going on here!?!?
> Yuffie: YOU!?!?!?!? You call yourself a thief! I'm the
> best thief on this planet!
> Dav: First off, I'm a TREASURE hunter and second, a
> two-year old is better at stealing then you'll ever be,
> materia b***h!
EON: She's living in... No wait, that's been done.
> Cloud: That's telling her, Dav!!!
> Yuffie: Why you little... I'll finish you off! ALL
> CREATION!!!!
SIG: All Creation: The other other *other* other beam Super.
> Dav: (deflects it and it hits Scarlet in the pussy)
[ALL fall silent. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot screams]
T.OGRE: What the fuck was that?
SIG: That looks damn painful.
KAO <Over the intercom>: You're damn right it's damn painful!
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
EON: But should the force of the blast just rip her legs off?
SAMAS: Maybe. But why the fucking crotch?! It's not like women have balls. Puff
COSMOS <Over the intercom>: It does hurt, yours are just more vunerable.
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
> Scarlet: (makes a groaning noise then dies)
> Yuffie; How did you deflect that!?!? That was my strongest
> move!!!
R.JAK: Because I'm a FUCKING MARY SUE who won't sell a spitball shot!
SIG <Wanderer>: LOOK AT ME, I'M A FANFIC WRITER!
> Dav: Weak moves for a weak b***h!! You would be stronger
> if you hadn't spent so much time stealing materia!!!
> Yuffie: You'll still fall at the hands of the mighty
> Yuffie!!
> Dav: I don't think so, weak b***h! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!!
SIG: For great ju-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Yuffie: AHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (gets sliced up into 20 pieces
> and dies)
T.OGRE: Boooring! And this is supposed to be the final fight?
TBS: And she didn't even get to decapitate herself. Dammit.
> Cloud: Alright Dav!!!!
> Cait Sith: That's the way to kick a materia whore's
> @$$!!!!
> Vegeta: That was cool!!!
TBS <Vegeta>: So cool, in fact, that I'll eat you with butter now.
> Captain Ginyu: Vegeta!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Well, if it ain't Captain Ginyu of the GAYU
> FORCE!! Hahaahahaha!
TBS: Isn't that a brand of beans?
EON: That's Goya.
TBS: Oh. Then it must be the Raging Demon in the Street Fi-
T.OGRE: Stop it. NOW.
TBS: You fascist.
> Captain Ginyu: Frieza will be thrilled to see your ugly
> face alive again!!!
> Vegeta: I see Freezer's become even more gay and stupid
> then before!!!!
EON: You know, I think I would be able to predict this ficto about three lines!
> Captain Ginyu: Your totally wrong...
> Vegeta: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: What's so funny!?!?
> Vegeta: I see you peed your pants!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Oh crap... I did!!!!
> (everyone laughs at him)
ALL <Cats>: HA HA HA HA.
SAMAS <voice-over>: Uncontrolled bladder contractions affect
millions of overpowered villians each year...
> Captain Ginyu: Stop laughing at me!!!
> (everyone continues to laugh)
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! I'm gonna get out of here but
> I'll return and get my revenge on all of you!!!!
TBS <Ginyu>: Ginyu Force, RETREAT!!! Oh wait, it's just me... See ya!
> Goku: What a wuss!!!!
> Tifa: (unties Cait) Hey Cait, why the hell are you eating
> a grenade?
R.Jak <Cait Sith>: It's Jane Fonda's latest diet! All I do is eat one grenade a day, then the pounds fall off in weeks!
> Cait Sith: (takes the grenade out of his mouth and being
> sarcastic) Well since I was starving to death, I said to
> myself "Cait, if you don't eat something, your gonna die,"
> so I found a grenade and I was trying to eat it!
> Tifa: (shoves the grenade back into his mouth) That's
> nice! Now eat up!
> Cait Sith: (takes it back out) Some people are just plain
> f**kin' stupid!!!
ALL: Speak for yourself.
> Vegeta: Let's go get my dragon balls back!!!
>
> Captain Ginyu flies off but in mid-air, gets hit by an
> on-coming comet.
SAMAS: Boy, what are the odds, huh?
SIG: Pretty good, considering the fact that this *is* a world
where people routinely pull celestial objects out of orbit
just to get rid of a few soldiers...
> The comet smashes him through Zora's
> Domain and it collides, melting the ice there...
>
> King Zora: It's about time this place melted!!!!
TBS <Zora>: Now I can stop spraying all these aerosol cans!
SIG: Although with the way Red XIII was acting, you'd
think global warming would've kicked in ages ago.
Ruto,
> push your old man in the water!!!!
> Ruto: I don't know, dad. I kinda' liked it frozen. I mean
> it was so peaceful and still.
> King Zora: Dammit, Ruto! Just push me into the water and
> then go to your room! No Discovery Channel for you
> tonight!!!
TBS: NO MAMMALS? WAAAAH!
> Ruto: Ah crap!! (pushes King Zora over the edge)
> King Zora: (lands on an ice block) Ack! I'm getting too
> old for this!!
>
> Back at the castle...
>
> Zelda: We got the dragon balls back guys! Our mission is
> complete!
R.JAK <Zelda>: And our hit total is 200! We've got a medal, people!
[ALL cheer. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
R.JAK: And can someone please shut him up?!
> Cloud: Plus we got all of our other stuff back!!
> Cait Sith: And I'm FINALLY free!!!!
SIG: Cait, considering how many gamers despise you, most people
couldn't give you away if they tried.
> Vegeta: As a reward for all of you helping me retrieve my
> dragon balls, I'll allow for you to each get one wish!!
T.OGRE: I wish for a decent booker.
SAMAS: I wish the MMK would stop call me Jigglypuff.
EON: I wish I had a donut.
R.JAK: I wish I got that Quistis plushie I saw today...
> Goku: Sorry, Vegeta, but I have to get back to my wife and
> Gohan. (looks at Vegeta's watch) Oh s**t! I'm 10 hours
> late for dinner! Well I'll see you all around some time!
> Bye!
T.OGRE: The next day, Goku was found at the family home, hanging by his shoulders from meat hooks, disemboweled, castrated and legless. Chi-Chi couldn't take it anymore.
> Zelda: Bye! Hey, Link, we should also be getting going!
> Dav: Must you leave so early?
> Zelda: I have a promise to fulfill! C'mon Link!!!!
> Link: Yeah baby!!!!!!
SAMAS <Link>: Now I can have sex with her without it being called rape! Happy day!
> Zelda: Bye!!!! (warps off to Link's house)
> Vincent: I, too, must go.
> Cid: Where are you going?
R.JAK <Patrick Bateman>: I have to go return some videos.
[EON plays an ominous chord on The Anachronistic Keyboard. (tm)]
> Vincent: I have.... an errand to run.... I should be back
> by tonight... (flies off)
SIG: Yeah, for HOJO. [singing] Vincent and Hojo sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
[Awkward pause]
T.OGRE: Oh yuck!
TBS: You sick fuck!
> Aeris: Where is going?
> Cloud: He better not go to that old guy's tool shed again!
> Last time we got a call a demon was in there doing the
> "whack a whack a ding dong" moaning out Yuffie's name!!!!
> Tifa: Eeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
TBS: No, that was Racewing, he fucked up the incantation.
T.OGRE: What the fuck was Racewing doing in the fanfic?!
TBS: In the fanfic?
> Cait Sith: Well, I'm all for a caviar dinner so let's
> mosey.
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you
> say...
> Red XIII: We get the point already!!!
>
R.JAK: No you don't. You thumb-heads couldn't get a point if you were hosed down with point pheromones and dropped into a field of points at the height of point mating season.
> While AVALANCHE and Vegeta made their way to the nearest
> caviar resturant, an alien ship was flying through the
> solar system...
TBS: It's the attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet
near Mars!
[*DING!*]
TBS: Eleventh hour Weird Al reference, bay-bee!
>
> Visitor 1: Prepare for anal incision!
> Visitor 2: (opens up the butt crack) Eeeeewwwwwww!! It's
> infested!!!!
> Joe: (looking at a Playboy) Sweeeeeeeet!!!!!
> Visitor 2: God, if only I was a security guard for the
> Toys R Us back on our homeworld, I wouldn't have to stare
> up alien butt cracks!
EON: Remember, "Klaatu barada nikto" is Reticulian for "Squeal like a pig, boy!"
[T.OGRE powerbombs EON, just because.]
SAMAS: You have to wonder, though: What could you possibly
learn from an anal probe?
> Joe: Sweeeeeeet!!! (flips the page and farts)
> Visitor 1: Ah s**t!! I almost stabbed myself with the anal
> probe!!!!
> Visitor 2: Just shut up and shove it up there!!!!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeeeetttttt!!!!
>
> In the now peaceful kingdom of Hyrule...
>
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh we've been saved!
> Guy 2: It's a miracle!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
SIG <Guy 1>: Now we're safe to enjoy our nitrous oxide! Hahahahhahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: (in Chaos form) Don't think your safe yet!! I
> am..... CHAOS!!!!
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh no! Run before we
> die!! Hahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: You shall not escape the wrath of.... CHAOS!!!
> Mwhahahahahahahaha!!!
SAMAS <Vincent>: You bastards, you left the gas on! Mwahahahahaha!!
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahaha!!! We're gonna die!!!
> Guy 1: (gets his head ripped off by Chaos)
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh no my head's gonna
> get ripped off also!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Vincent: You shall be slaughtered along with many gay
> people in this crappy kingdom of Hyrule!!!!
EON <Vincent>: No-one can take that much laughing!
TBS <Guy>: ...
EON <Vincent>: What?
TBS <Guy>: Dude, your line!
EON <Vincent>: Huh? Oh, right. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Back at Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Vegeta has summoned the
> dragon so everyone can make their wish...
>
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you get one wish.
> Vegeta: I wish for a better sex life with Aeris!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
EON <Shen-Long>: Why do 85% of these people's wishes involve sex?
TBS: ...and so Vegeta was transformed into a vibrator.
> Aeris: Yeah baby!!!!
> Barret: I wish I could beat Cloud and Vegeta in Goldeneye!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SAMAS <Cloud>: Hey, Barret, we think Goldeneye sucks shit now, let's play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
TBS <oddly cheerful>: I'll play as Mai Shiranui! She's beautiful, smart and funny, and her special moves kick ass, and she's the sexiest girl around, even sexier than the Dead or Alive girls!
[A familiar red thong falls down into TBS's lap. He takes a sniff at it.]
TBS: Woo hoo, used, just the way I like 'em! <wears the panties on his head>
> Cloud: I wish Barret would shut up, sit down and eat
> tacos!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Barret: (sitting down and starts eating tacos) You foo'
> Cloud!
EON <Barret>: Tacos give me gas!
> Cait Sith: I wish for a lifetime supply of caviar!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (dozens of huge
> barrels appear behind him)
> Red XIII: I wish that everyone who calls me a crossbreed
> would get constipated for a month!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Paperboy: Message for a "Mr. Crossbreed!"
> Red XIII: Curses of steal! With a caviar meal! Give this
> worker of the nation! A month of constipation!!!
TBS: ...and then Red XIII throws his staff down to earth, and
it strikes the paperboy, and... wait, that's something else.
Sorry, my bad.
> Paperboy: What are you talking.... AHH!!! My stomach!!!! I
> need to poop!!!!!! (runs to the bathroom)
> Tifa: I wish that Cloud and I would have passionate love
> with me every night for the rest of our lives!!!!
R.JAK: So that would mean that she would end up having sex with
*herself* and Cloud, but that would mean... [pauses] Ick.
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Hey, you copied my wish! I'll kill you now!
> Dav: I wish that Yuffie will never be able to be wished
> back to this dimension ever again!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SIG: Fucking dubbie.
SAMAS: Now how come nobody ever thought of doing *that* in Dragon
Ball?
EON: Well, that's a relief for them. I wonder what dimension she might end up in?
[An feminine shadow zips past the screen]
> Cid: I want chicken! I want liver! Meow mix! Meow mix!
> Please deliver!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (hears a door bell)
> Aeris: I'll get it!!! (opens the door)
> Delivery Guy: Yeah, I'm hear to deliver some chicken,
> liver and two boxes of Meow mix to a Mr. Highwind. That'll
> be 2000 gil!!!!
EON <Frank>: It's Baxter!
> Aeris: Oh Cid!!!!!!!
> Cid: Wait a second! That wasn't my wish! I wish for Kate
> Winslit to come back!!
> Dragon: You've already made a wish.
> Cid: (flicks off the dragon)
> Dragon: (blows fire at Cid and burns his @$$ up)
> Cid: Owwwwwww!! M'kay?
> Cloud: Here's your money and I'll take the stuff!!!
> Delivery Guy: Thank you! (gets back in his crappy car)
> Aeris: I wish that my upcoming birth will be completely
> successful!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. Now I must depart.
TBS: Sometime later, Aeris gave birth to a bouncing baby girl, who promptly blew her and Vegeta to pieces, then grew up to rule the universe with an iron fist. The end.
> (the dragon disappears and the dragon balls, once again,
> are separated to the four corners of the earth)
R.JAK: "Once again"? They weren't separated the *first* time,
or the time after *that*...
> Cloud: Your gonna have a baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Aeris: Yep! I'm hoping ot's a girl!
> Cid: You better hope it doesn't have Fejita's brains OR
> looks!!!
> Vegeta: You goddamn piece of f**kin' s**t!!! I'll fry you
> to pieces.... at Goldeneye! C'mon Cloud!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: But I wanna play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
T.OGRE: Snot, shut the fuck up.
TBS: Ooookay...
> Cid: C'mon Barret, let's kick these guy's sorry @$$s....
> Barret?
> Barret: Not now foo'! I'm still eatin' tacos!!!!
>
> THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Zelda thaws Barret out of the ice...
>
> Barret: Dat's better! Thanks, Zelda!
> Zelda: Don't mention it!!!!
> Link: What else could go wrong!?!?
SIG: Well, you could find out your girlfriend has the clap... or any other VD that I'm too lazy to bother mentioning...
> Dark Link: (appears out of nowhere) Ah ha! You have
> returned for a re-match against me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
T.OGRE: Or that could happen.
SAMAS: "Evil" palette-swapped characters: If they're good
enough for Capcom, then damn it, they're good enough for you!
TBS <Earthworm Jim>: Saaaaay... we're opposites, right? So if
I hate losing, you must hate winning!
EON <Evil Jim>: Oh please, I'm not going to fall for *that* one...
> Link: Dark Link!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What the hell are you doing
> here!?!?!?
TBS <Dark Link>: I tripped down a Dark flight of stairs and my Dark girlfriend laughed at me. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
> Dark Link: Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious? I've been
> assigned to guard the dragon balls for the hot sexy leader
> of the Gerudos, Scarlet!
SAMAS: I'm confused. Is this bottom of the barrel scraping, or just a unconventional attraction?
SIG: Don't insult the barrel, Puffy.
> Cid: Oh brother...
T.OGRE: ...where art thou?
> Link: Go back to the Water Temple where you belong!!!!
> Dark Link: What if I don't want to? It'll be hard for you
> to defeat me because I can mimic every move you do!!!!!
T.OGRE <Link>: Even the ones I did at that Salsa championships last spring? That got me first place?
R.JAK <Dark Link>: ESPECIALLY those.
T>OGRE <Link>: Aw, fuck!
> Link: Oh yeah? Can you mimic this?
> Dark Link: What?
[EON and TBS look at each other and nod solemnly.]
T.OGRE: Well, it's nice to know that you two learned your-
TBS <Dark Link>: Dear GOD, man, I don't think I WANT to mimic
that! Geez, that poor Bombchu...
[T.OGRE facepalms.]
T.OGRE <muttering>: I don't even know why I bother...
> Link: (grabs Zelda and starts singing) Swing your partner
> 'round and 'round! Pick her up and throw her down! (picks
> her up between the legs and throws her down)
[ALL cringe heavily]
TBS: U GROPIN': AWFUL
T.OGRE: Jesus, he's doing it too?!
SIG: Kill him, Zelda... You know you want to...
> Zelda: Oh Link!
> Link: (grabs Zelda's arms and continues singing) Slap your
> knees! Slap your thighs! Slap her @$$ then she'll slap
> mine! (songs done)
> Zelda: (slaps Link's @$$)
> Link: Spank it harder, baby!!!
SIG: Use the Adamantium Paddle, dammit!
R.JAK: Oy.
SAMAS: You know, Zelda seems to be pretty forgiving to someone who date-raped her earlier.
R.JAK: Thank you Akanepuff, now that memory I was trying to repress is coming back up again. Bitch.
SAMAS <Angry manga cross on his helmet>: No problem.
> Dark Link: Oh, okay, you found out I can't mimic you when
> you sing gay songs and do gay dances!
EON <Link>: Hey, whaddaya think I am, a member of the fuckin' Ginyu Force?!
> Link: Then go the hell! (beats the living s**t out of Dark
> Link with the Megaton Hammer)
TBS <Homer Simpson>: Stupid evil clone! You go squish now!
> Dark Link: Oh.... poopy.... (dies)
> Red XIII: Now that that b.s. is over with, let's get the
> dragon balls!
>
SIG: The fanfic's not over yet, though.
> Zelda's party heads into the next room. Meanwhile in the
> tower...
TBS <Cap.Ginyu>: Yuffie, I am your father.
SIG <Yuffie>: Well, just when I think my life can't get any worse...
>
> Captain Ginyu: Listen, you half cent whore! I'll only pay
> 400 Rupees and nothing more!!!!!
> Scarlet: Well, I want 100,000 Rupees and not one less!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Well go smack a dog!
> Scarlet: Go smack a pecan tree!
SAMAS: Now this is a mature debate. Please excuse me while I disembowel myself.
> Captain Ginyu: Go smack DiCrapio's mama!
> Scarlet: Go smack Winslut's dad!
EON: Go smack my bitch up.
> Cait Sith: (spits the grenade out) Why don't they just
> both shut the hell up!?!?!?
T.OGRE: Because arguing and exchanging childish insults are FUN!
> Yuffie: Magnet stick on! Magnet stick off! Magnet stick
> on... (shoves the grenade back in Cait's mouth)
TBS <singing>: Don't put a Yuffie on a plate; she'll use her magnet to escape.
EON: Cait Sith made of steel, Yuffie has a... um, grenade.
SIG: Boy, with villans like this, who needs heroes?
> Scarlet: Yuffie! Gimmie your weapon! I'm gonna teach this
> guy a lesson on what happens when you mess with the
> Gerudos!!!!!
> Yuffie: Oh okay! (hands Scarlet her bra)
R.JAK <Yuffie>: Shall I autograph it for you?
> Scarlet: Not your bra, you retard, your Conformer!!!
> Yuffie: No way! It's MY Conformer!
> Scarlet: Give it here now!!!
> Yuffie: No way! I won't let you take it!
> Scarlet: Hey Yuffie look! The Backstreet Boys are over
> there drooling over you!
TBS: Eww...
EON: What? She's only sixteen!
> Yuffie: WHERE!?!?!? WHERE!?!?!?
> Scarlet: (grabs the Conformer) Stupid b***h! You'll fall
> for anything won't ya!!
> Yuffie: I'm not a b***h!
EON <singing>: The only things you wanna see are kitsch, and the
only thing you wanna be is rich, and your little pink up-turned
nose begins to twitch, I know you know you're just a little
bitch!
SIG: Word.
> Scarlet: Die Captain Poopoo! (swings the Conformer at
> Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: (breaks the Conformer into five pieces)
SIG: 'Cause he's just that cool, to break a four-pointed shuruiken in five pieces.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: Next time I'm buying an American-made ultimate
weapon!
> Yuffie: My Conformer! It's broken! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
> Dav: (gets up the stairs first) Take it like the b***h you
> are, Yuffie!
> Captain Ginyu: Who are you!?!?!?
SAMAS <Dav>: I'm Batman!
> Scarlet: Wha...wha...what's going on here!?!?
> Yuffie: YOU!?!?!?!? You call yourself a thief! I'm the
> best thief on this planet!
> Dav: First off, I'm a TREASURE hunter and second, a
> two-year old is better at stealing then you'll ever be,
> materia b***h!
EON: She's living in... No wait, that's been done.
> Cloud: That's telling her, Dav!!!
> Yuffie: Why you little... I'll finish you off! ALL
> CREATION!!!!
SIG: All Creation: The other other *other* other beam Super.
> Dav: (deflects it and it hits Scarlet in the pussy)
[ALL fall silent. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot screams]
T.OGRE: What the fuck was that?
SIG <wincing>: ...That looks damn painful.
KAO <Over the intercom>: You're damn right it's damn painful!
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
EON: But should the force of the blast just rip her legs off?
SAMAS: Maybe. But why the fucking crotch?! It's not like women have balls. Puff
COSMOS <Over the intercom>: It does hurt, yours are just more vunerable.
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
> Scarlet: (makes a groaning noise then dies)
> Yuffie; How did you deflect that!?!? That was my strongest
> move!!!
R.JAK: Because I'm a FUCKING MARY SUE who won't sell a spitball shot!
SIG <Wanderer>: LOOK AT ME, I'M A FANFIC WRITER!
> Dav: Weak moves for a weak b***h!! You would be stronger
> if you hadn't spent so much time stealing materia!!!
> Yuffie: You'll still fall at the hands of the mighty
> Yuffie!!
> Dav: I don't think so, weak b***h! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!!
SIG: For great ju-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Yuffie: AHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (gets sliced up into 20 pieces
> and dies)
T.OGRE: Boooring! And this is supposed to be the final fight?
TBS: And she didn't even get to decapitate herself. Dammit.
> Cloud: Alright Dav!!!!
> Cait Sith: That's the way to kick a materia whore's
> @$$!!!!
> Vegeta: That was cool!!!
TBS <Vegeta>: So cool, in fact, that I'll eat you with butter now.
> Captain Ginyu: Vegeta!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Well, if it ain't Captain Ginyu of the GAYU
> FORCE!! Hahaahahaha!
TBS: Isn't that a brand of beans?
EON: That's Goya.
TBS: Oh. Then it must be the Raging Demon in the Street Fi-
T.OGRE: Stop it. NOW.
TBS: You fascist.
> Captain Ginyu: Frieza will be thrilled to see your ugly
> face alive again!!!
> Vegeta: I see Freezer's become even more gay and stupid
> then before!!!!
EON: You know, I think I would be able to predict this fic to about three lines!
> Captain Ginyu: Your totally wrong...
> Vegeta: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: What's so funny!?!?
> Vegeta: I see you peed your pants!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Oh crap... I did!!!!
> (everyone laughs at him)
ALL <Cats>: HA HA HA HA.
SAMAS <voice-over>: Uncontrolled bladder contractions affect millions of overpowered villians each year...
> Captain Ginyu: Stop laughing at me!!!
> (everyone continues to laugh)
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! I'm gonna get out of here but
> I'll return and get my revenge on all of you!!!!
TBS <Ginyu>: Ginyu Force, RETREAT!!! Oh wait, it's just me... See ya!
> Goku: What a wuss!!!!
> Tifa: (unties Cait) Hey Cait, why the hell are you eating
> a grenade?
R.JAK <Cait Sith>: It's Jane Fonda's latest diet! All I do is eat one grenade a day, then the pounds fall off in weeks!
SIG: Weeks? Pull the pin off, and shed them pounds in seconds -- along with the rest, of course.
> Cait Sith: (takes the grenade out of his mouth and being
> sarcastic) Well since I was starving to death, I said to
> myself "Cait, if you don't eat something, your gonna die,"
> so I found a grenade and I was trying to eat it!
> Tifa: (shoves the grenade back into his mouth) That's
> nice! Now eat up!
> Cait Sith: (takes it back out) Some people are just plain
> f**kin' stupid!!!
ALL: Speak for yourself.
> Vegeta: Let's go get my dragon balls back!!!
>
> Captain Ginyu flies off but in mid-air, gets hit by an
> on-coming comet.
SAMAS: Boy, what are the odds, huh?
SIG: Pretty good, considering the fact that this *is* a world where people routinely pull celestial objects out of orbit just to get rid of a few soldiers...
> The comet smashes him through Zora's
> Domain and it collides, melting the ice there...
>
> King Zora: It's about time this place melted!!!!
TBS <Zora>: Now I can stop spraying all these aerosol cans!
SIG: Although with the way Red XIII was acting, you'd
think global warming would've kicked in ages ago.
Ruto,
> push your old man in the water!!!!
> Ruto: I don't know, dad. I kinda' liked it frozen. I mean
> it was so peaceful and still.
> King Zora: Dammit, Ruto! Just push me into the water and
> then go to your room! No Discovery Channel for you
> tonight!!!
TBS: NO MAMMALS? WAAAAH!
> Ruto: Ah crap!! (pushes King Zora over the edge)
> King Zora: (lands on an ice block) Ack! I'm getting too
> old for this!!
>
R.JAK: So, what was that pointless scene supposed to achieve?
T.OGRE: Fic padding.
> Back at the castle...
>
> Zelda: We got the dragon balls back guys! Our mission is
> complete!
R.JAK <Zelda>: And our hit total is 200! We've got a medal, people!
[ALL cheer. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
R.JAK: And can someone please shut him up?!
> Cloud: Plus we got all of our other stuff back!!
> Cait Sith: And I'm FINALLY free!!!!
SIG: Cait, considering how many gamers despise you, most people couldn't give you away if they tried.
> Vegeta: As a reward for all of you helping me retrieve my
> dragon balls, I'll allow for you to each get one wish!!
T.OGRE: I wish for a decent booker.
SAMAS: I wish the MMK would stop call me Jigglypuff.
EON: I wish I had a donut.
R.JAK: I wish I got that Quistis plushie I saw today...
SIG: I wish this crappy fanfic would be over already.
> Goku: Sorry, Vegeta, but I have to get back to my wife and
> Gohan. (looks at Vegeta's watch) Oh s**t! I'm 10 hours
> late for dinner! Well I'll see you all around some time!
> Bye!
T.OGRE: The next day, Goku was found at the family home, hanging by his shoulders from meat hooks, disemboweled, castrated and legless. Chi-Chi couldn't take it anymore.
> Zelda: Bye! Hey, Link, we should also be getting going!
> Dav: Must you leave so early?
> Zelda: I have a promise to fulfill! C'mon Link!!!!
> Link: Yeah baby!!!!!!
SAMAS <Link>: Now I can have sex with her without it being called rape! Happy day!
> Zelda: Bye!!!! (warps off to Link's house)
SIG: Afterwards, a charred, unrecongizable lump of a corpse was found in the outskirts of Hyrule. Only through DNA testing was the remains identified as belonging to a certain Link, supposedly a hero of Hyrule...
> Vincent: I, too, must go.
> Cid: Where are you going?
R.JAK <Patrick Bateman>: I have to go return some videos.
[EON plays an ominous chord on The Anachronistic Keyboard. (tm)]
> Vincent: I have.... an errand to run.... I should be back
> by tonight... (flies off)
SIG: Yeah, for HOJO. [singing] Vincent and Hojo sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
[Awkward pause]
T.OGRE: Oh yuck!
TBS: You sick fuck!
SIG <very evil grin>: I know.
> Aeris: Where is going?
> Cloud: He better not go to that old guy's tool shed again!
> Last time we got a call a demon was in there doing the
> "whack a whack a ding dong" moaning out Yuffie's name!!!!
> Tifa: Eeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
SIG: Called it.
TBS: No, that was Racewing, he fucked up the incantation.
T.OGRE: What the fuck was Racewing doing in the fanfic?!
TBS: In the fanfic?
SIG: ...
> Cait Sith: Well, I'm all for a caviar dinner so let's
> mosey.
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you
> say...
> Red XIII: We get the point already!!!
>
R.JAK: No you don't. You thumb-heads couldn't get a point if you were hosed down with point pheromones and dropped into a field of points at the height of point mating season.
> While AVALANCHE and Vegeta made their way to the nearest
> caviar resturant, an alien ship was flying through the
> solar system...
TBS: It's the attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet
near Mars!
[*DING!*]
TBS: Eleventh hour Weird Al reference, bay-bee!
>
> Visitor 1: Prepare for anal incision!
> Visitor 2: (opens up the butt crack) Eeeeewwwwwww!! It's
> infested!!!!
> Joe: (looking at a Playboy) Sweeeeeeeet!!!!!
> Visitor 2: God, if only I was a security guard for the
> Toys R Us back on our homeworld, I wouldn't have to stare
> up alien butt cracks!
EON: Remember, "Klaatu barada nikto" is Reticulian for "Squeal like a pig, boy!"
[T.OGRE powerbombs EON, just because.]
SAMAS: You have to wonder, though: What could you possibly learn from an anal probe?
SIG: Well, if you want to gather crap right from the source...
> Joe: Sweeeeeeet!!! (flips the page and farts)
> Visitor 1: Ah s**t!! I almost stabbed myself with the anal
> probe!!!!
> Visitor 2: Just shut up and shove it up there!!!!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeeeetttttt!!!!
>
> In the now peaceful kingdom of Hyrule...
>
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh we've been saved!
> Guy 2: It's a miracle!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
SIG <Guy 1>: Now we're safe to enjoy our nitrous oxide! Hahahahhahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: (in Chaos form) Don't think your safe yet!! I
> am..... CHAOS!!!!
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh no! Run before we
> die!! Hahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: You shall not escape the wrath of.... CHAOS!!!
> Mwhahahahahahahaha!!!
SAMAS <Vincent>: You bastards, you left the gas on! Mwahahahahaha!!
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahaha!!! We're gonna die!!!
> Guy 1: (gets his head ripped off by Chaos)
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh no my head's gonna
> get ripped off also!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Vincent: You shall be slaughtered along with many gay
> people in this crappy kingdom of Hyrule!!!!
EON <Vincent>: No-one can take that much laughing!
TBS <Guy>: ...
EON <Vincent>: What?
TBS <Guy>: Dude, your line!
EON <Vincent>: Huh? Oh, right. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Back at Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Vegeta has summoned the
> dragon so everyone can make their wish...
>
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you get one wish.
> Vegeta: I wish for a better sex life with Aeris!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
EON <Shen-Long>: Why do 85% of these people's wishes involve sex?
TBS: ...and so Vegeta was transformed into a vibrator.
SIG: Rotary or jackhammer?
TBS: Does it matter?
> Aeris: Yeah baby!!!!
> Barret: I wish I could beat Cloud and Vegeta in Goldeneye!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SAMAS <Cloud>: Hey, Barret, we think Goldeneye sucks shit now, let's play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
TBS <oddly cheerful>: I'll play as Mai Shiranui! She's beautiful, smart and funny, and her special moves kick ass, and she's the sexiest girl around, even sexier than the Dead or Alive girls!
[A familiar red thong falls down into TBS's lap. He takes a sniff at it.]
TBS: Woo hoo, used, just the way I like 'em! <wears the panties on his head>
[SIG peers at the rafters suspiciously.]
> Cloud: I wish Barret would shut up, sit down and eat
> tacos!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Barret: (sitting down and starts eating tacos) You foo'
> Cloud!
EON <Barret>: Tacos give me gas!
> Cait Sith: I wish for a lifetime supply of caviar!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (dozens of huge
> barrels appear behind him)
> Red XIII: I wish that everyone who calls me a crossbreed
> would get constipated for a month!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Paperboy: Message for a "Mr. Crossbreed!"
> Red XIII: Curses of steal! With a caviar meal! Give this
> worker of the nation! A month of constipation!!!
TBS: ...and then Red XIII throws his staff down to earth, and
it strikes the paperboy, and... wait, that's something else.
Sorry, my bad.
> Paperboy: What are you talking.... AHH!!! My stomach!!!! I
> need to poop!!!!!! (runs to the bathroom)
> Tifa: I wish that Cloud and I would have passionate love
> with me every night for the rest of our lives!!!!
R.JAK: So that would mean that she would end up having sex with *herself* and Cloud, but that would mean... [pauses] Ick.
EON: Hey, Cloud's not complaining about that detail.
TBS: Double the pleasure, double the fun.
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Hey, you copied my wish! I'll kill you now!
EON: So, does this mean that Cloud's going to turn into a vibrator too?
SIG: Nah. Tifa made the wish, so she turns into a blow-up doll.
TBS: You mean she isn't already?
> Dav: I wish that Yuffie will never be able to be wished
> back to this dimension ever again!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SIG: Fucking dubbie.
SAMAS: Now how come nobody ever thought of doing *that* in Dragon Ball?
EON: Well, that's a relief for them. I wonder what dimension she might end up in?
[An feminine shadow zips past the screen.]
SIG <blinks>: Huh? Must be my imagination...
> Cid: I want chicken! I want liver! Meow mix! Meow mix!
> Please deliver!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (hears a door bell)
> Aeris: I'll get it!!! (opens the door)
> Delivery Guy: Yeah, I'm hear to deliver some chicken,
> liver and two boxes of Meow mix to a Mr. Highwind. That'll
> be 2000 gil!!!!
EON <Frank>: It's Baxter!
> Aeris: Oh Cid!!!!!!!
> Cid: Wait a second! That wasn't my wish! I wish for Kate
> Winslit to come back!!
> Dragon: You've already made a wish.
> Cid: (flicks off the dragon)
> Dragon: (blows fire at Cid and burns his @$$ up)
R.JAK & SIG: Oh... My... God...
SIG: It *IS* Skrib in a cameo. No wonder...
> Cid: Owwwwwww!! M'kay?
> Cloud: Here's your money and I'll take the stuff!!!
> Delivery Guy: Thank you! (gets back in his crappy car)
> Aeris: I wish that my upcoming birth will be completely
> successful!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. Now I must depart.
TBS: Sometime later, Aeris gave birth to a bouncing baby girl, who promptly blew her and Vegeta to pieces, then grew up to rule the universe with an iron fist. The end.
SIG <sniffling>: That'll be sooo cool...
> (the dragon disappears and the dragon balls, once again,
> are separated to the four corners of the earth)
R.JAK: "Once again"? They weren't separated the *first* time, or the time after *that*...
SIG: Shhh. Don't mess up the story. They're pretty disturbed to begin with...
> Cloud: Your gonna have a baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Aeris: Yep! I'm hoping ot's a girl!
> Cid: You better hope it doesn't have Fejita's brains OR
> looks!!!
> Vegeta: You goddamn piece of f**kin' s**t!!! I'll fry you
> to pieces.... at Goldeneye! C'mon Cloud!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: But I wanna play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
T.OGRE: Snot, shut the fuck up.
TBS: Ooookay...
> Cid: C'mon Barret, let's kick these guy's sorry @$$s....
> Barret?
> Barret: Not now foo'! I'm still eatin' tacos!!!!
>
> THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
R.JAK: And about damn time, too.
SIG: There goes the last of the exclamation points.
"But I NEED my spleen!" "Come on! You don't know what it's FOR!"
by
> Zelda thaws Barret out of the ice...
>
> Barret: Dat's better! Thanks, Zelda!
> Zelda: Don't mention it!!!!
> Link: What else could go wrong!?!?
SIG: Well, you could find out your girlfriend has the clap... or any other VD that I'm too lazy to bother mentioning...
> Dark Link: (appears out of nowhere) Ah ha! You have
> returned for a re-match against me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
T.OGRE: Or that could happen.
SAMAS: "Evil" palette-swapped characters: If they're good enough for Capcom, then damn it, they're good enough for you!
TBS <Earthworm Jim>: Saaaaay... we're opposites, right? So if I hate losing, you must hate winning!
EON <Evil Jim>: Oh please, I'm not going to fall for *that* one...
> Link: Dark Link!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What the hell are you doing
> here!?!?!?
TBS <Dark Link>: I tripped down a Dark flight of stairs and my Dark girlfriend laughed at me. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
> Dark Link: Isn't it obvious, Captain Obvious? I've been
> assigned to guard the dragon balls for the hot sexy leader
> of the Gerudos, Scarlet!
SAMAS: I'm confused. Is this bottom of the barrel scraping, or just a unconventional attraction?
SIG: Don't insult the barrel, Puffy.
> Cid: Oh brother...
T.OGRE: ...where art thou?
MMK <over speaker, singing> IIIIIIIIIIIII am a man of constant sorroooooooow...
R.JAK: (covering ears) You HAD to say that, didn't you, Ogre?
> Link: Go back to the Water Temple where you belong!!!!
> Dark Link: What if I don't want to? It'll be hard for you
> to defeat me because I can mimic every move you do!!!!!
TBS <Link>: Even the ones I did at that Salsa championships last spring? That got me first place?
EON <Dark Link>: ESPECIALLY those.
TBS <Link>: Aw, fuck!
> Link: Oh yeah? Can you mimic this?
> Dark Link: What?
[EON and TBS look at each other and nod solemnly.]
SAMAS: Well, it's nice to know that you two learned your-
TBS <Dark Link>: Dear GOD, man, I don't think I WANT to mimic that! Geez, that poor Bombchu...
[SAMAS facepalms.]
SAMAS <muttering>: I don't even know why I bother...
> Link: (grabs Zelda and starts singing) Swing your partner
> 'round and 'round! Pick her up and throw her down! (picks
> her up between the legs and throws her down)
[ALL cringe heavily]
TBS: U GROPIN': AWFUL
T.OGRE: Jesus, he's doing it too?!
SIG: Kill him, Zelda... You know you want to...
> Zelda: Oh Link!
> Link: (grabs Zelda's arms and continues singing) Slap your
> knees! Slap your thighs! Slap her @$$ then she'll slap
> mine! (songs done)
SIG: Use the Adamantium Paddle, dammit!
R.JAK: Oy.
SAMAS: You know, Zelda seems to be pretty forgiving to someone who date-raped her earlier.
R.JAK: Thank you Akanepuff, now that memory I was trying to repress is coming back up again. Bitch.
SAMAS <Angry manga cross on his helmet>: No problem.
> Dark Link: Oh, okay, you found out I can't mimic you when
> you sing gay songs and do gay dances!
EON <Link>: Hey, whaddaya think I am, a member of the fuckin' Ginyu Force?!
> Link: Then go the hell! (beats the living s**t out of Dark
> Link with the Megaton Hammer)
TBS <Homer Simpson>: Stupid evil clone! You go squish now!
> Dark Link: Oh.... poopy.... (dies)
> Red XIII: Now that that b.s. is over with, let's get the
> dragon balls!
SIG: The fanfic's not over yet, though.
> Zelda's party heads into the next room. Meanwhile in the
> tower...
TBS <Captain Ginyu>: Yuffie, I am your father.
SIG <Yuffie>: Well, just when I think my life can't get any worse...
> Captain Ginyu: Listen, you half cent whore! I'll only pay
> 400 Rupees and nothing more!!!!!
> Scarlet: Well, I want 100,000 Rupees and not one less!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Well go smack a dog!
> Scarlet: Go smack a pecan tree!
SAMAS: Now this is a mature debate. Please excuse me while I disembowel myself.
> Captain Ginyu: Go smack DiCrapio's mama!
> Scarlet: Go smack Winslut's dad!
EON: Go smack my bitch up.
(techno music starts playing)
SIG: I think we're losing it...
> Cait Sith: (spits the grenade out) Why don't they just
> both shut the hell up!?!?!?
T.OGRE: Because arguing and exchanging childish insults are FUN!
> Yuffie: Magnet stick on! Magnet stick off! Magnet stick
> on... (shoves the grenade back in Cait's mouth)
TBS <singing>: Don't put a Yuffie on a plate; she'll use her magnet to escape.
EON: Cait Sith made of steel, Yuffie has a... um, grenade.
SIG: Boy, with villans like this, who needs heroes?
SAMAS: Dude...this is Cait Sith. No one likes Cait Sith.
> Scarlet: Yuffie! Gimmie your weapon! I'm gonna teach this
> guy a lesson on what happens when you mess with the
> Gerudos!!!!!
T.OGRE: You get insulted about your sexual heritage using stars of James Cameron's cash cow "Titanic"?
> Yuffie: Oh okay! (hands Scarlet her bra)
> Scarlet: Not your bra, you retard, your Conformer!!!
R.JAK <Yuffie>: That IS my Conformer? How do you think I keep my breasts tiny?
> Yuffie: No way! It's MY Conformer!
> Scarlet: Give it here now!!!
> Yuffie: No way! I won't let you take it!
> Scarlet: Hey Yuffie look! The Backstreet Boys are over
> there drooling over you!
TBS: Eww...
EON: What? She's only sixteen!
SAMAS: Damn pedophiles, the lot of them.
> Yuffie: WHERE!?!?!? WHERE!?!?!?
> Scarlet: (grabs the Conformer) Stupid b***h! You'll fall
> for anything won't ya!!
> Yuffie: I'm not a b***h!
EON <singing>: The only things you wanna see are kitsch, and the only thing you wanna be is rich, and your little pink up-turned nose begins to twitch, I know you know you're just a little bitch!
SIG: Word.
> Scarlet: Die Captain Poopoo! (swings the Conformer at
> Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: (breaks the Conformer into five pieces)
SIG: 'Cause he's just that cool, to break a four-pointed shuruiken in five pieces.
SAMAS <Yuffie>: Next time I'm buying an American-made ultimate weapon!
> Yuffie: My Conformer! It's broken! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
> Dav: (gets up the stairs first) Take it like the b***h you
> are, Yuffie!
> Captain Ginyu: Who are you!?!?!?
R.JAK <Dav>: I'm the first one in, last one out. Line up your asses for the ritual kicking, playas!
> Scarlet: Wha...wha...what's going on here!?!?
> Yuffie: YOU!?!?!?!? You call yourself a thief! I'm the
> best thief on this planet!
> Dav: First off, I'm a TREASURE hunter and second, a
> two-year old is better at stealing then you'll ever be,
> materia b***h!
EON: She's living in... No wait, that's been done.
SAMAS: It has?
EON: Well...I dunno...it's been so long...
> Cloud: That's telling her, Dav!!!
> Yuffie: Why you little... I'll finish you off! ALL
> CREATION!!!!
SIG: All Creation: The other other *other* other beam Super.
> Dav: (deflects it and it hits Scarlet in the pussy)
[ALL fall silent. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot screams]
T.OGRE: What the fuck was that?
SIG <wincing>: ...That looks damn painful.
KAO <Over the intercom>: You're damn right it's damn painful!
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
EON: But should the force of the blast just rip her legs off?
SAMAS: Maybe. But why the fucking crotch?! It's not like women have balls. Puff
COSMOS <Over the intercom>: It does hurt, yours are just more vunerable.
[Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
> Scarlet: (makes a groaning noise then dies)
> Yuffie; How did you deflect that!?!? That was my strongest
> move!!!
R.JAK: Because he's a FUCKING MARY SUE who won't sell a spitball shot like THAT!
SIG <Wanderer>: LOOK AT ME, I'M A FANFIC WRITER!
> Dav: Weak moves for a weak b***h!! You would be stronger
> if you hadn't spent so much time stealing materia!!!
> Yuffie: You'll still fall at the hands of the mighty
> Yuffie!!
> Dav: I don't think so, weak b***h! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!!
SIG: For great ju-
T.OGRE: NO.
R.JAK: He is the just-
T.OGRE: NO.
SAMAS: With liberty and ju-
T.OGRE: NO! NO NO NO!
EON: You are a really sensit-
T.OGRE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> Yuffie: AHhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (gets sliced up into 20 pieces
> and dies)
SIG: And this is the final fight...thanks for watching.
TBS: And she didn't even get to decapitate herself. Dammit.
> Cloud: Alright Dav!!!!
> Cait Sith: That's the way to kick a materia whore's
> @$$!!!!
> Vegeta: That was cool!!!
SIG <Vegeta>: So cool, in fact, that I'll eat you with butter now.
R.JAK <Vegeta>: Let's have SEX now! Ha ha ha!
> Captain Ginyu: Vegeta!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: Well, if it ain't Captain Ginyu of the GAYU
> FORCE!! Hahaahahaha!
TBS: Isn't that a brand of beans?
EON: That's Goya.
TBS: Oh. Then it must be the Raging Demon in the Street Fi-
ALL: WILL YOU SHUT *UP*?!?
TBS: Apostates...every one of you.
> Captain Ginyu: Frieza will be thrilled to see your ugly
> face alive again!!!
> Vegeta: I see Freezer's become even more gay and stupid
> then before!!!!
EON: You know, I think I would be able to predict this fic to about three lines!
> Captain Ginyu: Your totally wrong...
> Vegeta: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: What's so funny!?!?
> Vegeta: I see you peed your pants!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Oh crap... I did!!!!
> (everyone laughs at him)
ALL <Cats>: HA HA HA HA.
SAMAS <voice-over>: Uncontrolled bladder contractions affect millions of overpowered villians each year...
> Captain Ginyu: Stop laughing at me!!!
> (everyone continues to laugh)
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! I'm gonna get out of here but
> I'll return and get my revenge on all of you!!!!
TBS <Ginyu>: Ginyu Force, RETREAT!!! Oh wait, it's just me... See ya!
> Goku: What a wuss!!!!
> Tifa: (unties Cait) Hey Cait, why the hell are you eating
> a grenade?
R.JAK <Cait Sith>: It's Jane Fonda's latest diet! All I do is eat one grenade a day, then the pounds fall off in weeks!
SIG: Weeks? Pull the pin off, and shed them pounds in seconds -- along with the rest, of course.
> Cait Sith: (takes the grenade out of his mouth and being
> sarcastic) Well since I was starving to death, I said to
> myself "Cait, if you don't eat something, your gonna die,"
> so I found a grenade and I was trying to eat it!
R.JAK: See, like I was *SAYING*. Geez.
> Tifa: (shoves the grenade back into his mouth) That's
> nice! Now eat up!
> Cait Sith: (takes it back out) Some people are just plain
> f**kin' stupid!!!
ALL: Speak for yourself.
> Vegeta: Let's go get my dragon balls back!!!
>
> Captain Ginyu flies off but in mid-air, gets hit by an
> on-coming comet.
SAMAS: Boy, what are the odds, huh?
SIG: Pretty good, considering the fact that this *is* a world where people routinely pull celestial objects out of orbit just to get rid of a few soldiers...
> The comet smashes him through Zora's
> Domain and it collides, melting the ice there...
>
> King Zora: It's about time this place melted!!!!
TBS <Zora>: Now I can stop spraying all these aerosol cans!
SIG: Although with the way Red XIII was acting, you'd
think global warming would've kicked in ages ago.
Ruto,
> push your old man in the water!!!!
> Ruto: I don't know, dad. I kinda' liked it frozen. I mean
> it was so peaceful and still.
> King Zora: Dammit, Ruto! Just push me into the water and
> then go to your room! No Discovery Channel for you
> tonight!!!
TBS: NO MAMMALS? WAAAAH!
> Ruto: Ah crap!! (pushes King Zora over the edge)
> King Zora: (lands on an ice block) Ack! I'm getting too
> old for this!!
T.OGRE: So, what was that pointless scene supposed to achieve?
SAMAS: A zen-like quality.
> Back at the castle...
>
> Zelda: We got the dragon balls back guys! Our mission is
> complete!
R.JAK <Zelda>: And our hit total is 200! We've got a medal, people!
[ALL cheer. Over the intercom, the Zeek-Bot continues to scream]
R.JAK: And can someone please shut him up?!
> Cloud: Plus we got all of our other stuff back!!
> Cait Sith: And I'm FINALLY free!!!!
SIG: Cait, considering how many gamers despise you, most people couldn't give you away if they tried.
> Vegeta: As a reward for all of you helping me retrieve my
> dragon balls, I'll allow for you to each get one wish!!
T.OGRE: I wish for a decent booker.
SAMAS: I wish the MMK would stop call me Jigglypuff.
EON: I wish I had a donut.
R.JAK: I wish I got that Quistis plushie I saw today...
TBS: I wish for a decent alternative to plastic, but we all can dream...
> Goku: Sorry, Vegeta, but I have to get back to my wife and
> Gohan. (looks at Vegeta's watch) Oh s**t! I'm 10 hours
> late for dinner! Well I'll see you all around some time!
> Bye!
T.OGRE: The next day, Goku was found at the family home, hanging by his shoulders from meat hooks, disemboweled, castrated and legless. Chi-Chi couldn't take it anymore.
> Zelda: Bye! Hey, Link, we should also be getting going!
> Dav: Must you leave so early?
> Zelda: I have a promise to fulfill! C'mon Link!!!!
> Link: Yeah baby!!!!!!
SAMAS <Link>: Now I can have sex with her without it being called rape! Happy day!
R.JAK: I swear...I'm going to stop asking questions about logic...
> Zelda: Bye!!!! (warps off to Link's house)
SIG: Afterwards, a charred, unrecongizable lump of a corpse was found in the outskirts of Hyrule. Only through DNA testing was the remains identified as belonging to a certain Link, supposedly a hero of Hyrule...
> Vincent: I, too, must go.
> Cid: Where are you going?
R.JAK <Patrick Bateman>: I have to go return some videos.
[EON plays an ominous chord on The Anachronistic Keyboard. (tm)]
> Vincent: I have.... an errand to run.... I should be back
> by tonight... (flies off)
SIG: Yeah, for HOJO. [singing] Vincent and Hojo sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
[Awkward pause]
T.OGRE: Oh yuck!
TBS: You sick fuck!
SIG <very evil grin>: I know.
> Aeris: Where is going?
> Cloud: He better not go to that old guy's tool shed again!
> Last time we got a call a demon was in there doing the
> "whack a whack a ding dong" moaning out Yuffie's name!!!!
> Tifa: Eeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
SIG: Called it.
TBS: No, that was Racewing, he fucked up the incantation.
T.OGRE: What the fuck was Racewing doing in the fanfic?!
TBS: In the fanfic?
SIG: ...
> Cait Sith: Well, I'm all for a caviar dinner so let's
> mosey.
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you
> say...
> Red XIII: We get the point already!!!
R.JAK: No you don't. You thumb-heads couldn't get a point if you were hosed down with point pheromones and dropped into a field of points at the height of point mating season.
SIG: I thought you said you'd...
R.JAK: Hey look! Aspirin! (he swallows another bottle)
TBS: That can't be good for the gastric system.
> While AVALANCHE and Vegeta made their way to the nearest
> caviar resturant, an alien ship was flying through the
> solar system...
TBS: It's the attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars!
[*DING!*]
TBS: Eleventh hour Weird Al reference, bay-bee!
> Visitor 1: Prepare for anal incision!
> Visitor 2: (opens up the butt crack) Eeeeewwwwwww!! It's
> infested!!!!
> Joe: (looking at a Playboy) Sweeeeeeeet!!!!!
> Visitor 2: God, if only I was a security guard for the
> Toys R Us back on our homeworld, I wouldn't have to stare
> up alien butt cracks!
EON: Remember, "Klaatu barada nikto" is Reticulian for "Squeal like a pig, boy!"
[T.OGRE powerbombs EON, just because.]
SAMAS: You have to wonder, though: What could you possibly learn from an anal probe?
SIG: Well, if you want to gather crap right from the source...
> Joe: Sweeeeeeet!!! (flips the page and farts)
> Visitor 1: Ah s**t!! I almost stabbed myself with the anal
> probe!!!!
> Visitor 2: Just shut up and shove it up there!!!!
> Joe: Sweeeeeeeeetttttt!!!!
>
> In the now peaceful kingdom of Hyrule...
SAMAS: The same scene was being played out, only with Walkmen.
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh we've been saved!
> Guy 2: It's a miracle!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
SIG <Guy 1>: Now we're safe to enjoy our nitrous oxide! Hahahahhahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: (in Chaos form) Don't think your safe yet!! I
> am..... CHAOS!!!!
> Guy 1: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh no! Run before we
> die!! Hahahahaha!!!
> Vincent: You shall not escape the wrath of.... CHAOS!!!
> Mwhahahahahahahaha!!!
SAMAS <Vincent>: You bastards, you left the gas on! Mwahahahahaha!!
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahaha!!! We're gonna die!!!
> Guy 1: (gets his head ripped off by Chaos)
> Guy 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh no my head's gonna
> get ripped off also!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Vincent: You shall be slaughtered along with many gay
> people in this crappy kingdom of Hyrule!!!!
EON <Vincent>: No-one can take that much laughing!
TBS <Guy>: ...
EON <Vincent>: What?
TBS <Guy>: Dude, your line!
EON <Vincent>: Huh? Oh, right. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
> Back at Tifa's Seventh Heaven, Vegeta has summoned the
> dragon so everyone can make their wish...
T.OGRE: I thought it was one wish in...
R.JAK: Samas, if you will...
(SAMAS takes out a comically sized mallet and bonks T.OGRE on the head, knocking him out.)
R.JAK: Thank you.
SAMAS: 'Sno problem.
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you get one wish.
> Vegeta: I wish for a better sex life with Aeris!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
EON <Shen-Long>: Why do 85% of these people's wishes involve sex?
TBS: ...and so Vegeta was transformed into a vibrator.
SIG: Rotary or jackhammer?
TBS: Does it matter?
> Aeris: Yeah baby!!!!
> Barret: I wish I could beat Cloud and Vegeta in Goldeneye!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SAMAS <Cloud>: Hey, Barret, we think Goldeneye sucks shit now, let's play Capcom vs. SNK 2!
TBS <oddly cheerful>: I'll play as Mai Shiranui! She's beautiful, smart and funny, and her special moves kick ass, and she's the sexiest girl around, even sexier than the Dead or Alive girls!
[A familiar red thong falls down into TBS's lap. He takes a sniff at it.]
TBS: Woo hoo, used, just the way I like 'em!
[TBS wears the panties on his head as the others peer at the rafters suspiciously.]
> Cloud: I wish Barret would shut up, sit down and eat
> tacos!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Barret: (sitting down and starts eating tacos) You foo'
> Cloud!
EON <Barret>: Tacos give me gas!
> Cait Sith: I wish for a lifetime supply of caviar!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (dozens of huge
> barrels appear behind him)
R.JAK: And lo, did the entire house stink up.
> Red XIII: I wish that everyone who calls me a crossbreed
> would get constipated for a month!!!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Paperboy: Message for a "Mr. Crossbreed!"
> Red XIII: Curses of steal! With a caviar meal! Give this
> worker of the nation! A month of constipation!!!
TBS: ...and then Red XIII throws his staff down to earth, and it strikes the paperboy, and... wait, that's something else.
Sorry, my bad.
> Paperboy: What are you talking.... AHH!!! My stomach!!!! I
> need to poop!!!!!! (runs to the bathroom)
> Tifa: I wish that Cloud and I would have passionate love
> with me every night for the rest of our lives!!!!
R.JAK: So that would mean that she would end up having sex with *herself* and Cloud, but that would mean...
(SAMAS bonks R.JAK with the hammer.)
R.JAK: OW! GEEZ! MY FRICKIN' HEAD!
EON: Hey, Cloud's not complaining about that detail.
TBS: Double the pleasure, double the fun.
SIG: Yes...that's nice.
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
> Cloud: Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!
SAMAS <Vegeta>: Hey, you copied my wish! I'll kill you now!
EON: So, does this mean that Cloud's going to turn into a vibrator too?
SIG: Nah. Tifa made the wish, so she turns into a blow-up doll.
TBS: You mean she isn't already?
> Dav: I wish that Yuffie will never be able to be wished
> back to this dimension ever again!!!
R.JAK <Dragon>: Okay...now that's just fucking munchkin-like.
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted.
SIG: Fucking dubbie.
SAMAS: Now how come nobody ever thought of doing THAT in Dragon Ball?
EON: Well, that's a relief for them. I wonder what dimension she might end up in?
[An feminine shadow zips past the screen.]
SIG <blinks>: Huh? Must be my imagination...
> Cid: I want chicken! I want liver! Meow mix! Meow mix!
> Please deliver!!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. (hears a door bell)
> Aeris: I'll get it!!! (opens the door)
> Delivery Guy: Yeah, I'm hear to deliver some chicken,
> liver and two boxes of Meow mix to a Mr. Highwind. That'll
> be 2000 gil!!!!
EON <Frank>: It's Baxter!
> Aeris: Oh Cid!!!!!!!
> Cid: Wait a second! That wasn't my wish! I wish for Kate
> Winslit to come back!!
> Dragon: You've already made a wish.
> Cid: (flicks off the dragon)
> Dragon: (blows fire at Cid and burns his @$$ up)
R.JAK & SIG: Oh... My... God...
SIG: It *IS* Skrib in a cameo. No wonder...
> Cid: Owwwwwww!! M'kay?
> Cloud: Here's your money and I'll take the stuff!!!
> Delivery Guy: Thank you! (gets back in his crappy car)
> Aeris: I wish that my upcoming birth will be completely
> successful!
> Dragon: Your wish has been granted. Now I must depart.
TBS: Sometime later, Aeris gave birth to a bouncing baby girl, who promptly blew her and Vegeta to pieces, then grew up to rule the universe with an iron fist. The end.
SIG <sniffling>: That'll be sooo cool...
> (the dragon disappears and the dragon balls, once again,
> are separated to the four corners of the earth)
R.JAK: Well, about damn time...
> Cloud: Your gonna have a baby!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Aeris: Yep! I'm hoping ot's a girl!
> Cid: You better hope it doesn't have Fejita's brains OR
> looks!!!
> Vegeta: You goddamn piece of f**kin' s**t!!! I'll fry you
> to pieces.... at Goldeneye! C'mon Cloud!!!
SAMAS <Cloud>: But I wanna make love to Tifa!
R.JAK <Vegeta> Screw that! GOLDENEYE FIRST!
> Cid: C'mon Barret, let's kick these guy's sorry @$$s....
> Barret?
> Barret: Not now foo'! I'm still eatin' tacos!!!!
>
> THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TBS: And about damn time, too.
SIG: There goes the last of the exclamation points.
ALL: FUCK YOU, FUTURE GENERATIONS!!!!!!!
T.OGRE: (woozy) Wha...huh...?
I just noticed that the 112 draft doesn't have them, except for the opener. Not only does it not have the closing sketch (I'm not pushing, Flipendo; just saying, is all), it doesn't have sketches between the chapters (which IMO it kind've needs).
And 113 will probably need some sketch-breaks as well; at a rough estimate, one between the prologue and the Yuffie, and one about every three chunks' worth during that main attraction [*] (so, one in between what were posted as chunks three and four, and one cushioning chunk seven from one of its neighbors).
This is just my suggestion for the setup; if anyone comes up with a better arrangement, I'll withdraw my comments. As it says in the attribution, if Wanderer's *not* in charge (as he says), then I'm in *anti*-charge. (I mention this because he, and somebody else whose opinion I respect, have both reminded me for the umpteenth time of my tendency to talk like I thought I was handing down my opinions on sanctified scrolls, a tendency so insidious that I never know I'm doing it until it's pointed out to me afterward, and even then, I'm hard put to recognize just *when* I did it. But like Peter David, I digress.)
You'll also notice that I don't suggest any content for the sketches themselves. This is because I truly don't have anything to suggest, or at least because I'm keen to see what people come up with.
Austin, and good day.
(On an unrelated note, the buttons for the "suit up" function are still carrying their labels from "Day of the Ballad" days, so I'm posting this by shooting rather than by slapping Linna. Should this be changed to unify the motifs, or preserved as a bit of archeology?)
Under the description for this episode it says something to the effect of, "I've read this thing six times and I *still* can't figure out the plot!" Do you ("you" meaning "whoever is in charge, 'in charge' meaning 'the guy who takes the credit'") actually want a plot synopsis, or is that just there for comedic purposes?
"Yuffie," part nine! It's back and with a "vengence!"
by
> At the base of the tower...
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967. Ah crap! They're spoiled!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
> Zelda: L-I-N-K!!!!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh......!!!!!!!!
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!! The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$
> ^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&
> ^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%c
> c67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
>
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom. The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
>
> Recoom: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (dies)
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can! And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem! Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
>
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me
> out or taking the remote away from me when I wanna watch
> the Dukes!!!
> Zelda: I'm gonna thaw him out, so live with it!!!
> Cid: Oh crap!
> At the base of the tower...
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
TBS <John Merrick>: I bet my nose.
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967. Ah crap! They're spoiled!
TBS: BARF!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
???: [sings] Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...
[Of the people in the theatre, who'd be most likely to sing that one? -z]
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
EON <Mojo Jojo>: And the voices coming from outside of the tower belong to people outside of the tower, and the people outside of the tower have voices coming into the tower to the ears of...MOOOOOOOOOOOOJO JOJO!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
EON: We should've been trying to make a Dave and Dyne drinking game.
R.JAK: We'd be in alcoholic comas by now.
EON: But at least we wouldn't be watching the fic!
[Pause while ALL think this over.]
???: Yousa points well took.
R.JAK: GODDAMNIT, NO FUCKING GUNGONICS!
???: Whoa. Okay.
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
SIG <Buttape3>: I like poop, and so do my cats!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
[*boomlet*]
T.OGRE: ...the hell?
R.JAK: I'd have to go and check, but I think that was the goofy-meter exploding in self-defense.
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
SAMAS <George>: Martha's going to put on some rhythms she understands. Sacre du Printemps, maybe.
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
> Zelda: L-I-N-K!!!!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh......!!!!!!!!
R.JAK <woodenly>: Help! I've fallen. And I can't get up!
SIG: Y'know, actually, that woman was reliving a real-life experience, so I can understand if she was reluctant to put much emotion into--
R.JAK: Forgetaboutit.
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!! The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
TBS: And he still -- didn't -- disintegrate! I want my money back!
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$
> ^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&
> ^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%c
> c67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
>
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom. The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
>
TBS: And melting him to a crisp!
> Recoom: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (dies)
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
TBS <sheriff>: These dipsticks are the good guys?
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
[ALL facefault.]
R.JAK: Boy. Just when you thought there weren't any taboos they hadn't broken yet.
[T.OGRE twitches.]
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
T.OGRE: But will your dildo save you from a power-bombing?
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
[R.JAK opens his mouth to speak--]
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
R.JAK: Nice preemptive strike, but it won't save you.
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can! And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
TBS: Dude. *Hutchins* doesn't do it *that* blatantly.
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem! Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
>
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
SAMAS: Can nobody in this fic recognize sarcasm when they hear it?
R.JAK: It's supposed to be funny.
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
EVIL BLACK FURBY: You're the Ass Master!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
EON: Homophobia, sexism, and now racism.
R.JAK: Your point?
EON: It's a Jack Chick comic. All that's missing is the Devil in cardinal's robes going "HAW HAW HAW!"
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me
> At the base of the tower...
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
TBS <John Merrick>: I bet my nose.
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
EON <Vegeta, lisping>: And who's your interior designer? Girlfriend, you have got to know that chenille couches are so overdone!
[Notices the other riffers staring at him.]
EON: What? Don't look at me like that!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
TBS <Link>: Okay, okay, so I'm moonlighting as a Keebler. I gotta pay the bills *somehow*.
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967. Ah crap! They're spoiled!
TBS: BARF!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
???: [sings] Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...
[Of the people in the theatre, who'd be most likely to sing that one? -z]
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
EON <Mojo Jojo>: And the voices coming from outside of the tower belong to people outside of the tower, and the people outside of the tower have voices coming into the tower to the ears of...MOOOOOOOOOOOOJO JOJO!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
T.OGRE: He's not the only one who's going to need Rehab by the end of this fic. [winces as R.JAK dry-swallows a bottle of asprin]
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
EON: We should've been trying to make a Dave and Dyne drinking game.
R.JAK: We'd be in alcoholic comas by now.
EON: But at least we wouldn't be watching the fic!
[Pause while ALL think this over.]
???: Yousa points well took.
R.JAK: GODDAMNIT, NO FUCKING GUNGONICS!
???: Whoa. Okay.
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
SIG <Buttape3>: I like poop, and so do my cats!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
[SAMAS makes a wipcrack noise.]
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
[*boomlet*]
T.OGRE: ...the hell?
R.JAK: I'd have to go and check, but I think that was the goofy-meter exploding in self-defense.
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
EON: I'm stunned. That was in-character. Or at least a nearly verbatim line.
SAMAS: Why is that so stunning? The guy has obviously watched the show.
EON: Yeah, but his attention span is about twice as long as I thought for him to retain that much dialague.
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
SAMAS <George>: Martha's going to put on some rhythms she understands. Sacre du Printemps, maybe.
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
> Zelda: L-I-N-K!!!!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh......!!!!!!!!
R.JAK <woodenly>: Help! I've fallen. And I can't get up!
SIG: Y'know, actually, that woman was reliving a real-life experience, so I can understand if she was
reluctant to put much emotion into--
R.JAK: Forgetaboutit.
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!! The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
TBS: And he still -- didn't -- disintegrate! I want my money back!
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$
>
^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&
> ^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%c
> c67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
>
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom.
R.JAK: Uh-oh. They're gaining Dragonball characteristics by osmosis.
> The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
>
TBS: And melting him to a crisp!
> Recoom: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (dies)
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
TBS <sheriff>: These dipsticks are the good guys?
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
[ALL facefault.]
R.JAK: Boy. Just when you thought there weren't any taboos they hadn't broken yet.
[T.OGRE twitches.]
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
T.OGRE: But will your dildo save you from a power-bombing?
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
[R.JAK opens his mouth to speak--]
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
R.JAK: Nice preemptive strike, but it won't save you.
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can! And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
TBS: Dude. *Hutchins* doesn't do it *that* blatantly.
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem! Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
>
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
SAMAS: Can nobody in this fic recognize sarcasm when they hear it?
R.JAK: It's supposed to be funny.
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
EVIL BLACK FURBY: You're the Ass Master!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
EON: Homophobia, sexism, and now racism.
R.JAK: Your point?
EON: It's a Jack Chick comic. All that's missing is the Devil in cardinal's robes going "HAW HAW HAW!"
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me
> At the base of the tower...
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
TBS <John Merrick>: I bet my nose.
EON: I see your nose and raise you two rabbit bottoms.
SAMAS: I see your rabbit bottoms and raise you a dog tookus.
SIG: I see your dog tookus and raise you...
[SIG pauses dramatically.]
SIG: ...a pig's hind flank.
EON: I fold.
SAMAS: Me too.
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
EON <Vegeta, lisping>: And who's your interior designer? Girlfriend, you have got to know that chenille couches are so overdone!
[Notices the other riffers staring at him.]
EON: What? Don't look at me like that!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
EON: Sure it looks ugly, but the Room bonuses are really up
there.
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
TBS <Link>: Okay, okay, so I'm moonlighting as a Keebler. I gotta pay the bills *somehow*.
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967. Ah crap! They're spoiled!
TBS: BARF!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
T.OGRE: You'd think he would have learned his lesson after
eating half a box of mothballs.
SIG <Cid>: I thought they were jawbreakers!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
EON <Link>: I am MIGHTY!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: It's made of styrofoam, Link.
EON <Link>: Don't crush my mighty hopes, damn you!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
???: [sings] Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...
[Of the people in the theatre, who'd be most likely to sing that one? -z]
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
TBS <Recoom>: Of all the days to wear my butter boots...
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
SAMAS: Eh, it's probably Diabolik on his cell phone.
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
EON <Mojo Jojo>: And the voices coming from outside of the tower belong to people outside of the tower, and the people outside of the tower have voices coming into the tower to the ears of...MOOOOOOOOOOOOJO JOJO!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
TBS: So elves are just midget clones of Pee-Wee Herman? Huh...
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
T.OGRE: He's not the only one who's going to need Rehab by the end of this fic. [winces as R.JAK dry-swallows a bottle of asprin]
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
SAMAS: Three words, Dav: Aura of Smooth.
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
EON: We should've been trying to make a Dave and Dyne drinking game.
R.JAK: We'd be in alcoholic comas by now.
EON: But at least we wouldn't be watching the fic!
[Pause while ALL think this over.]
???: Yousa points well took.
R.JAK: GODDAMNIT, NO FUCKING GUNGONICS!
???: Whoa. Okay.
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
TBS: I think Cid speaks for us all.
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
SIG <Buttape3>: I like poop, and so do my cats!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
TBS <Recoom>: Hey Chase. I just realized something.
SIG <Chase>: What's that?
TBS <Recoom>: We're the only two characters in Dragon Ball
that can't fly.
SIG <Chase>: Well... shit.
SAMAS: That true?
SIG: I don't know, but it would be funny as hell if it was...
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
[SAMAS makes a wipcrack noise.]
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
[*boomlet*]
T.OGRE: ...the hell?
R.JAK: I'd have to go and check, but I think that was the goofy-meter exploding in self-defense.
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
EON: I'm stunned. That was in-character. Or at least a nearly verbatim line.
SAMAS: Why is that so stunning? The guy has obviously watched the show.
EON: Yeah, but his attention span is about twice as long as I thought for him to retain that much dialague.
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
SAMAS <George>: Martha's going to put on some rhythms she understands. Sacre du Printemps, maybe.
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
[ALL boo.]
EON <announcer>: Are you having trouble with your feet?
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
EON: I like music.
T.OGRE: I like steel chairs.
R.JAK: I like aspirin.
[Etc.]
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
> Zelda: L-I-N-K!!!!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh......!!!!!!!!
R.JAK <woodenly>: Help! I've fallen. And I can't get up!
SIG: Y'know, actually, that woman was reliving a real-life experience, so I can understand if she was
reluctant to put much emotion into--
R.JAK: Forgetaboutit.
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!!
TBS <Dav>: There HAS to be another reason why you lick yourself!
> The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
TBS: And he still -- didn't -- disintegrate! I want my money back!
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$
>
^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&
> ^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%c
> c67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
TBS: So it's attack based on the former WCW manager in drag
talking about continuity?
>
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom.
R.JAK: Uh-oh. They're gaining Dragonball characteristics by osmosis.
> The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
>
TBS: And melting him to a crisp!
SIG: ...and to top it all off, he goes right through the septic
tank! Boy, that's going to be a pain to fix...
> Recoom: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (dies)
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
TBS <sheriff>: These dipsticks are the good guys?
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
SAMAS <Vincent>: Fine. See if I ever act dramatic around you
people again. Philistines.
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
[ALL facefault.]
R.JAK: Boy. Just when you thought there weren't any taboos they hadn't broken yet.
[T.OGRE twitches.]
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
T.OGRE: But will your dildo save you from a power-bombing?
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: He's going to bring in the BIGGER PHALLIC WEAPON OF
DOOM!! (tm)
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
[R.JAK opens his mouth to speak--]
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
R.JAK: Nice preemptive strike, but it won't save you.
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
TBS <Zelda>: ...will go out for an Orange Julius while you do
the hard stuff.
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can! And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
TBS: Dude. *Hutchins* doesn't do it *that* blatantly.
SAMAS: Okay, I think I get it. Dav traded in his Aura of
Smooth for some Deus Ex Machinas.
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem!
TBS <Author>: It's good to be the king.
> Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
>
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
SAMAS: Can nobody in this fic recognize sarcasm when they hear it?
R.JAK: It's supposed to be funny.
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
EVIL BLACK FURBY: You're the Ass Master!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
EON: Homophobia, sexism, and now racism.
R.JAK: Your point?
EON: It's a Jack Chick comic. All that's missing is the Devil in cardinal's robes going "HAW HAW HAW!"
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me
> At the base of the tower...
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
TBS <John Merrick>: I bet my nose.
EON: I see your nose and raise you two rabbit bottoms.
SAMAS: I see your rabbit bottoms and raise you a dog tookus.
SIG: I see your dog tookus and raise you...
[SIG pauses dramatically.]
SIG: ...a pig's hind flank.
EON: I fold.
SAMAS: Me too.
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
EON <Vegeta, lisping>: And who's your interior designer? Girlfriend, you have got to know that chenille couches are so overdone!
[Notices the other riffers staring at him.]
EON: What? Don't look at me like that!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
EON: Sure it looks ugly, but the Room bonuses are really up there.
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
TBS <Link>: Okay, okay, so I'm moonlighting as a Keebler. I gotta pay the bills *somehow*.
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967. Ah crap! They're spoiled!
SIG: Those are really old cookies you got there...
TBS: BARF!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
T.OGRE: You'd think he would have learned his lesson after
eating half a box of mothballs.
SIG <Cid>: I thought they were jawbreakers!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
EON <Link>: I am MIGHTY!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: It's made of styrofoam, Link.
EON <Link>: Don't crush my mighty hopes, damn you!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
SIG: [sings] Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...
[Of the people in the theatre, who'd be most likely to sing that one? -z]
[I like Radiohead. -Sig]
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
TBS <Recoom>: Of all the days to wear my butter boots...
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
SAMAS: Eh, it's probably Diabolik on his cell phone.
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
EON <Mojo Jojo>: And the voices coming from outside of the tower belong to people outside of the tower, and the people outside of the tower have voices coming into the tower to the ears of...MOOOOOOOOOOOOJO JOJO!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
SIG: E.T. as an elf. What an interesting image.
R.JAK: ...Never, *ever*, mention E.T. in the vicinity of crappy 'fics. *Again*.
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
TBS: So elves are just midget clones of Pee-Wee Herman? Huh...
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
T.OGRE: He's not the only one who's going to need Rehab by the end of this fic. [winces as R.JAK dry-swallows a bottle of asprin]
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
SAMAS: Three words, Dav: Aura of Smooth.
SIG: Don't worry, Dav. I'm sure Zelda won't give Like the time of day after what he just did to her.
T.OGRE: Don't count on it.
SIG: Whose side are you on?
T.OGRE: Just stating an eventuality, that's all.
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
T.OGRE <Link>: What point am I supposed to have proven again?
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
EON: We should've been trying to make a Dave and Dyne drinking game.
R.JAK: We'd be in alcoholic comas by now.
EON: But at least we wouldn't be watching the fic!
[Pause while ALL think this over.]
TBS: Yousa points well took.
R.JAK: GODDAMNIT, NO FUCKING GUNGONICS!
TBS: Whoa. Okay.
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
TBS: I think Cid speaks for us all.
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
TBS <Buttape3>: I like poop, and so do my cats!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
TBS <Recoom>: Hey Chase. I just realized something.
SIG <Chase>: What's that?
TBS <Recoom>: We're the only two characters in Dragon Ball
that can't fly.
SIG <Chase>: Well... shit.
SAMAS: That true?
SIG: No, but it would be really funny as hell if it was...
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
[SAMAS makes a wipcrack noise.]
SIG: This is the badass Cloud from Kingdom Hearts.
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
[*boomlet*]
T.OGRE: ...the hell?
R.JAK: I'd have to go and check, but I think that was the goofy-meter exploding in self-defense.
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
SIG <Vincent>: .............Who'd want to copy you morons???
EON: Any reason why you picked Vincent from the cast of deranged loonies we've got assembled here?
SIG: He threatened to hurt Cid.
EON: I see.
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
EON: I'm stunned. That was in-character. Or at least a nearly verbatim line.
SAMAS: Why is that so stunning? The guy has obviously watched the show.
EON: Yeah, but his attention span is about twice as long as I thought for him to retain that much dialague.
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
SAMAS <George>: Martha's going to put on some rhythms she understands. Sacre du Printemps, maybe.
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
[ALL boo.]
EON <announcer>: Are you having trouble with your feet?
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
EON: I like music.
T.OGRE: I like steel chairs.
R.JAK: I like aspirin.
[Etc.]
SIG: I like to burn the flesh from the bones of everyone in this fic, capture their freshly released souls, defile them through the thirty-two paths of the three veils of negative existence, and offer them up to Lord Chaos to gain favor in his eyes and thus find a quick and harrowing road to power far surpassing anything that has been possessed by human hands!
[The others move several seats away from SIG.]
SIG: Should've kept my mouth shut...
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
> Zelda: L-I-N-K!!!!!!!
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh......!!!!!!!!
R.JAK <woodenly>: Help! I've fallen. And I can't get up!
SIG: Y'know, actually, that woman was reliving a real-life experience, so I can understand if she was
reluctant to put much emotion into--
R.JAK: Forgetaboutit.
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
SIG: At this point, I'm surprised that Zelda wasn't giving Recoom a medal.
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!!
TBS <Dav>: There HAS to be another reason why you lick yourself!
> The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
TBS: And he still -- didn't -- disintegrate! I want my money back!
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$
>
^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&
> ^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%c
> c67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
TBS: So it's attack based on the former WCW manager in drag
talking about continuity?
>
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom.
R.JAK: Uh-oh. They're gaining Dragonball characteristics by osmosis.
> The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
>
TBS: And melting him to a crisp!
SIG: ...and to top it all off, he goes right through the septic
tank! Boy, that's going to be a pain to fix...
SIG: And what was Dav doing the whole time?
EON: Staring at Red XIII who was licking himself.
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
SIG: So *that's* who Joe is.
T.OGRE: Like we even care.
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
TBS <sheriff>: These dipsticks are the good guys?
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
SAMAS <Vincent>: Fine. See if I ever act dramatic around you people again. Philistines.
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
[ALL facefault.]
R.JAK: Boy. Just when you thought there weren't any taboos they hadn't broken yet.
[SIG growls.]
[T.OGRE twitches.]
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
SIG: ...*Again*??? By the three gods...
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
T.OGRE: But will your dildo save you from a power-bombing?
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: He's going to bring in the BIGGER PHALLIC WEAPON OF
DOOM!! (tm)
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
[R.JAK opens his mouth to speak--]
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
R.JAK: Nice preemptive strike, but it won't save you.
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
TBS <Zelda>: ...will go out for an Orange Julius while you do
the hard stuff.
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
SIG: He writes for Adult Swim.
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can! And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
TBS: Dude. *Hutchins* doesn't do it *that* blatantly.
SAMAS: Okay, I think I get it. Dav traded in his Aura of Smooth for some Deus Ex Machinas.
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem!
TBS <Author>: It's good to be the king.
> Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
>
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
SAMAS: Can nobody in this fic recognize sarcasm when they hear it?
R.JAK: It's supposed to be funny.
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
[Everyone else looks at SIG.]
SIG: What? What?
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
EVIL BLACK FURBY: You're the Ass Master!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
EON: Homophobia, sexism, and now racism.
R.JAK: Your point?
EON: It's a Jack Chick comic. All that's missing is the Devil in cardinal's robes going "HAW HAW HAW!"
SIG: Compared to Jack Chick, this fic is an improvement.
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me
<< 1) Check the style guide, would you? It's SIG <singing>, not SIG: [sings]. >>
I may have done it wrong in the first place, in which case I'm sorry and will do better in future.
<< 2) That's not Radiohead. That's Garbage. I want to say it's "Dog New Tricks," but I could be wrong; I know it's off the first album, though. >>
"Most of what 'everyone knows' is wrong. The rest is just misunderstood." (Bruce Wayne to Sue Linden, "Black Orchid" by Neil Gaiman, quoted from memory because I can't be bothered digging through my comics collection)
TBS: A giant hand was clenched there, so the tower did'nt have any premature...oik!
[T.OGRE bends TBS into a pretzel]
T.OGRE: Take your phallic imagery elsewhere!
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
TBS <John Merrick>: I bet my nose.
EON: I see your nose and raise you two rabbit bottoms.
SAMAS: I see your rabbit bottoms and raise you a dog tookus.
SIG: I see your dog tookus and raise you...
[SIG pauses dramatically.]
SIG: ...a pig's hind flank.
EON: I fold.
SAMAS: Me too.
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
EON <Vegeta, lisping>: And who's your interior designer? Girlfriend, you have got to know that chenille couches are so overdone!
[Notices the other riffers staring at him.]
EON: What? Don't look at me like that!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
SIG <Link>: I'm a sensitive soul in turmoil! Pity me!
EON: Sure it looks ugly, but the Room bonuses are really up there.
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
EON: They didn't know that this place was Recoom's private stable.
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
TBS <Link>: Okay, okay, so I'm moonlighting as a Keebler. I gotta pay the bills *somehow*.
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
R.JAK <Cid>: From up your butt, foo'!
EON: Dang!
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967. Ah crap! They're spoiled!
SIG: Those are really old cookies you got there...
T.Ogre: Old enough to have shaken hands with Andy Warhol, maybe.
TBS: BARF!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
T.OGRE: You'd think he would have learned his lesson after
eating half a box of mothballs.
SIG <Cid>: I thought they were jawbreakers!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
SAMAS <Link>: I told you, I'm an ELF, not a fairy! I don't flutter about granting people's fucking wishes!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
EON <Link>: I am MIGHTY!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: It's made of styrofoam, Link.
EON <Link>: Don't crush my mighty hopes, damn you!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
EON: [sings] You think you're special, you do, I can see it in your eyes...
SIG: [sings] Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...
[Of the people in the theatre, who'd be most likely to sing that one? -z]
[I like Radiohead. -Sig]
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
TBS <Recoom>: Of all the days to wear my butter boots...
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
SIG <Recoom>: Maybe you should have though of me before you coating the steps with Teflon!
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
SAMAS: Eh, it's probably Diabolik on his cell phone.
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
EON <Mojo Jojo>: And the voices coming from outside of the tower belong to people outside of the tower, and the people outside of the tower have voices coming into the tower to the ears of...MOOOOOOOOOOOOJO JOJO!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
TBS: Winning a hollow victory?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
SIG: E.T. as an elf. What an interesting image.
R.JAK: ...Never, *ever*, mention E.T. in the vicinity of crappy 'fics. *Again*.
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
TBS: So elves are just midget clones of Pee-Wee Herman? Huh...
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
T.OGRE: He's not the only one who's going to need Rehab by the end of this fic. [winces as R.JAK dry-swallows a bottle of asprin]
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
R.JAK: Why is everyone here so fucking sad?
SAMAS: Three words, Dav: Aura of Smooth.
SIG: Don't worry, Dav. I'm sure Zelda won't give Like the time of day after what he just did to her.
T.OGRE: Don't count on it.
SIG: Whose side are you on?
T.OGRE: Just stating an eventuality, that's all.
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
R.JAK <Link, plummy english accent>: You can't treat me like this! I was created by Shigeru Miyamoto!!
T.OGRE<Vegitta>: I can blow up planets.
R.JAK <Link>: But you don't have an ounce of class to make it look good. not to mention you take simply AGES to do it.
SIG <Dav>: Now now, we still have to teach those cads, the Ginyu force a lesson. Shall we put our differences aside for just a few minutes, my good sirs?
TBS: Dav and Dyne done by PG Wodehouse, Ladies and gentlemen.
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
T.OGRE <Link>: What point am I supposed to have proven again?
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
EON: We should've been trying to make a Dave and Dyne drinking game.
R.JAK: We'd be in alcoholic comas by now.
EON: But at least we wouldn't be watching the fic!
[Pause while ALL think this over.]
TBS: Yousa points well took.
R.JAK: GODDAMNIT, NO FUCKING GUNGONICS!
TBS: Whoa. Okay.
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
TBS: I think Cid speaks for us all.
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
TBS <Chaos>: CHAOS SMASH!
R.JAK: Tarts have feelings too!
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
T.OGRE <Undertaker>: All my tarts want is a little respect, and they'll get it if I have to wring it out of each and every one of your necks!
EON: [sings] Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
SIG <Chase>: Whilst screaming as humanely loud as possible!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
TBS <Buttape3>: I like poop, and so do my cats!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
TBS <Recoom>: Hey Chase. I just realized something.
SIG <Chase>: What's that?
TBS <Recoom>: We're the only two characters in Dragon Ball
that can't fly.
SIG <Chase>: Well... shit.
SAMAS: That true?
SIG: No, but it would be really funny as hell if it was...
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
[SAMAS makes a whipcrack noise.]
SIG: This is the badass Cloud from Kingdom Hearts.
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
R.JAK <Link>: But I can't...
SAMAS <Goku>: GODAMMIT, JUST DO IT!
R.JAK <Link>: Woah! OK! [mimes throwing the boulder onto SIG]
SIG <Goku>: ARRRGH! MY SPLEEN!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
[*boomlet*]
T.OGRE: ...the hell?
R.JAK: I'd have to go and check, but I think that was the goofy-meter exploding in self-defense.
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
SIG <Vincent>: .............Who'd want to copy you morons???
EON: Any reason why you picked Vincent from the cast of deranged loonies we've got assembled here?
SIG: He threatened to hurt Cid.
EON: I see.
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
T.OGRE: [sings] You look so good to me...
EON: I'm stunned. That was in-character. Or at least a nearly verbatim line.
SAMAS: Why is that so stunning? The guy has obviously watched the show.
EON: Yeah, but his attention span is about twice as long as I thought for him to retain that much dialague.
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
SAMAS <George>: Martha's going to put on some rhythms she understands. Sacre du Printemps, maybe.
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
[ALL boo.]
EON <announcer>: Are you having trouble with your feet?
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
SIG <Chase>: I didn't win the Flaming Feet dancing championship seven times in a row to be chewed out by you ingrates!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
EON: I like music.
T.OGRE: I like steel chairs.
R.JAK: I like aspirin.
[Etc.]
SIG: I like to burn the flesh from the bones of everyone in this fic, capture their freshly released souls, defile them through the thirty-two paths of the three veils of negative existence, and offer them up to Lord Chaos to gain favor in his eyes and thus find a quick and harrowing road to power far surpassing anything that has been possessed by human hands!
[The others move several seats away from SIG.]
SIG: Should've kept my mouth shut...
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
R.JAK <Cid>: In fact, there he goes, over the horizon! Come back here, you yellow bellied corporate logo!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
R.JAK <Zelda>: You're not Recoom! You're DARK Destructoid Gray Rhino King in disguise!
Sig <Gray Rhino King>: Arrrgh! My clever disguise has been seen through! Now I have to kill you in the name of DARK!
R.JAK <woodenly>: Help! I've fallen. And I can't get up!
SIG: Y'know, actually, that woman was reliving a real-life experience, so I can understand if she was
reluctant to put much emotion into--
R.JAK: Forgetaboutit.
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
SIG: At this point, I'm surprised that Zelda wasn't giving Recoom a medal.
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!!
TBS <Dav>: There HAS to be another reason why you lick yourself!
> The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
SAMAS: Where's Kikaida when you need him?
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
ALL: WOOOOO!
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
TBS: And he still -- didn't -- disintegrate! I want my money back!
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$
>
^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&
> ^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%c
> c67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
TBS: So it's attack based on the former WCW manager in drag
talking about continuity?
>
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom.
R.JAK: Uh-oh. They're gaining Dragonball characteristics by osmosis.
> The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
>
TBS: And melting him to a crisp!
SIG: ...and to top it all off, he goes right through the septic
tank! Boy, that's going to be a pain to fix...
SIG: And what was Dav doing the whole time?
EON: Staring at Red XIII who was licking himself.
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
SIG: So *that's* who Joe is.
T.OGRE: Like we even care.
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
TBS <Mr.Crotch>: Thank you Mr. Highwind, I'll be sure to stand out long and proud for you!
T.OGRE: OK, that's it!
[T.OGRE powerbombs TBS through a flaming, barbed wire wrapped table.]
TBS: [sings dazedly] London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down...
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
TBS <sheriff>: These dipsticks are the good guys?
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
SAMAS <Vincent>: Fine. See if I ever act dramatic around you people again. Philistines.
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
[ALL facefault.]
R.JAK: Boy. Just when you thought there weren't any taboos they hadn't broken yet.
[SIG growls.]
[T.OGRE twitches.]
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
SIG: ...*Again*??? By the three gods...
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
T.OGRE: But will your dildo save you from a power-bombing?
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: He's going to bring in the BIGGER PHALLIC WEAPON OF
DOOM!! (tm)
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
T.OGRE: You bought a slurpee from there earlier, you idiot!
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
[R.JAK opens his mouth to speak--]
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
R.JAK: Nice preemptive strike, but it won't save you.
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
TBS <Zelda>: ...will go out for an Orange Julius while you do
the hard stuff.
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Yeah, I had an extra life in my stock! Ain't that something?
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
SIG: He writes for Adult Swim.
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can! And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
TBS: Dude. *Hutchins* doesn't do it *that* blatantly.
SAMAS: Okay, I think I get it. Dav traded in his Aura of Smooth for some Deus Ex Machinas.
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem!
TBS <Author>: It's good to be the king.
> Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
>
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
SAMAS: Can nobody in this fic recognize sarcasm when they hear it?
R.JAK: It's supposed to be funny.
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
[Everyone else looks at SIG.]
SIG: What? What?
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
SAMAS <Link>: D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
EVIL BLACK FURBY: You're the Ass Master!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
T>OGRE <Zelda>: It's not that, it's just that it's a box of decades old Twinkies! It's so old, you can see Superman plastered over the box!
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
EON: Homophobia, sexism, and now racism.
R.JAK: Your point?
EON: It's a Jack Chick comic. All that's missing is the Devil in cardinal's robes going "HAW HAW HAW!"
SIG: Compared to Jack Chick, this fic is an improvement.
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
SIG <Link>: Now I have to take a shower and scrub myself. Care to join me, Zelda?
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
SAMAS: No, he's just doing his GIR impression.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me
/** This is a revised and corrected version. I'm not doing this for anyone's sake, mind you. I just forgot a couple of riffs I wanted to put in. ...C'mon, anyone would feel dumber after reading this drivel. Oh, and I [hate] you too. -Sig **/
> At the base of the tower...
TBS: A giant hand was clenched there, so the tower did'nt have any premature...oik!
[T.OGRE bends TBS into a pretzel]
T.OGRE: Take your phallic imagery elsewhere!
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
TBS <John Merrick>: I bet my nose.
EON: I see your nose and raise you two rabbit bottoms.
SAMAS: I see your rabbit bottoms and raise you a dog tookus.
SIG: I see your dog tookus and raise you...
[SIG pauses dramatically.]
SIG: ...a pig's hind flank.
EON: I fold.
SAMAS: Me too.
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
EON <Vegeta, lisping>: And who's your interior designer? Girlfriend, you have got to know that chenille couches are so overdone!
[Notices the other riffers staring at him.]
EON: What? Don't look at me like that!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
SIG <Link>: I'm a sensitive soul in turmoil! Pity me!
EON: Sure it looks ugly, but the Room bonuses are really up there.
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
EON: They didn't know that this place was Recoom's private stable.
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
TBS <Link>: Okay, okay, so I'm moonlighting as a Keebler. I gotta pay the bills *somehow*.
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
R.JAK <Cid>: From up your butt, foo'!
EON: Dang!
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967. Ah crap! They're spoiled!
SIG: Those are really old cookies you got there...
T.Ogre: Old enough to have shaken hands with Andy Warhol, maybe.
TBS: BARF!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
T.OGRE: You'd think he would have learned his lesson after eating half a box of mothballs.
SIG <Cid>: I thought they were jawbreakers!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
SAMAS <Link>: I told you, I'm an ELF, not a fairy! I don't flutter about granting people's fucking wishes!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
EON <Link>: I am MIGHTY!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: It's made of styrofoam, Link.
EON <Link>: Don't crush my mighty hopes, damn you!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
EON <singing>: You think you're special, you do, I can see it in your eyes...
SIG <singing>: Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...
/** Okay, so I goofed the ref on the first try. ^^;;; I can't believe I missed the ref, considering I have the Version 2.0 album ripped to MP3. Yeah, I like Garbage too. -Sig **/
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
TBS <Recoom>: Of all the days to wear my butter boots...
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
SIG <Recoom>: Maybe you should have though of me before you coating the steps with Teflon!
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
SAMAS: Eh, it's probably Diabolik on his cell phone.
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
EON <Mojo Jojo>: And the voices coming from outside of the tower belong to people outside of the tower, and the people outside of the tower have voices coming into the tower to the ears of...MOOOOOOOOOOOOJO JOJO!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
TBS: Winning a hollow victory?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
SIG: E.T. as an elf. What an interesting image.
R.JAK: ...Never, *ever*, mention E.T. in the vicinity of crappy 'fics. *Again*.
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
TBS: So elves are just midget clones of Pee-Wee Herman? Huh...
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
T.OGRE: He's not the only one who's going to need Rehab by the end of this fic.
[T.OGRE winces as R.JAK dry-swallows a bottle of asprin]
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
R.JAK: Why is everyone here so fucking sad?
SAMAS: Three words, Dav -- Aura of Smooth.
SIG: Don't worry, Dav. I'm sure Zelda won't give Keebler-boy here the time of day after raping her.
T.OGRE: Don't count on it.
SIG: Whose side are you on?
T.OGRE: Just stating an eventuality, that's all.
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
R.JAK <Link, plummy english accent>: You can't treat me like this! I was created by Shigeru Miyamoto!!
T.OGRE <Vegeta>: I can blow up planets.
R.JAK <Link>: But you don't have an ounce of class to make it look good. not to mention you take simply AGES to do it.
SIG <Dav>: Now now, we still have to teach those cads, the Ginyu Force, a lesson. Shall we put our differences aside for just a few minutes, my good sirs?
TBS: Dav and Dyne done by PG Wodehouse, ladies and gentlemen.
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
T.OGRE <Link>: What point am I supposed to have proven again?
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
EON: We should've been trying to make a Dave and Dyne drinking game.
R.JAK: We'd be in alcoholic comas by now.
EON: But at least we wouldn't be watching the fic!
[Pause while ALL think this over.]
TBS: Yousa points well took.
R.JAK: GODDAMNIT, NO FUCKING GUNGONICS!
TBS: Whoa. Okay.
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
TBS: I think Cid speaks for us all.
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
TBS <Chaos>: CHAOS SMASH!
R.JAK: Tarts have feelings too!
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
T.OGRE <Undertaker>: All my tarts want is a little respect, and they'll get it if I have to wring it out of each and every one of your necks!
EON <singing>: Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
SIG <Chase>: Whilst screaming as humanely loud as possible!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
TBS <Buttape3>: I like poop, and so do my cats!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
TBS <Recoom>: Hey Chase. I just realized something.
SIG <Chase>: What's that?
TBS <Recoom>: We're the only two characters in Dragon Ball that can't fly.
SIG <Chase>: Well... shit.
SAMAS: That true?
SIG <shrugging>: No, but it would be really funny as hell if it was...
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
[SAMAS makes a whipcrack noise.]
SIG: This *is* the badass Cloud from Kingdom Hearts.
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
R.JAK <Link>: But I can't...
SAMAS <Goku>: GODAMMIT, JUST DO IT!
R.JAK <Link>: Woah! OK!
[R.JAK mimes throwing the boulder onto SIG.]
SIG <Goku>: ARRRGH! MY SPLEEN!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
[*boomlet*]
T.OGRE: ...the hell?
R.JAK: I'd have to go and check, but I think that was the goofy-meter exploding in self-defense.
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
SIG <Vincent>: .............Who'd want to copy you morons???
EON: Any reason why you picked Vincent from the cast of deranged loonies we've got assembled here?
SIG: He threatened to hurt Cid.
EON: I see.
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
T.OGRE <singing>: You look so good to me...
EON: I'm stunned. That was in-character. Or at least a nearly verbatim line.
SAMAS: Why is that so stunning? The guy has obviously watched the show.
EON: Yeah, but his attention span is about twice as long as I thought for him to retain that much dialague.
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
SAMAS <George>: Martha's going to put on some rhythms she understands. Sacre du Printemps, maybe.
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
[ALL boo.]
EON <announcer>: Are you having trouble with your feet?
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
SIG <Chase>: I didn't win the Flaming Feet dancing championship seven times in a row to be chewed out by you ingrates!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
EON: I like music.
T.OGRE: I like steel chairs.
R.JAK: I like aspirin.
[Etc., until...]
SIG: I like to burn the flesh from the bones of everyone in the vicinity, capture their freshly released souls, defile them through the thirty-two paths of the three veils of negative existence, and offer them up to Lord Chaos to gain favor in his eyes and thus find a quick and harrowing road to power far surpassing anything that has been possessed by human hands!
[The others move several seats away from SIG.]
SIG: Should've kept my mouth shut...
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
R.JAK <Cid>: In fact, there he goes, over the horizon! Come back here, you yellow bellied corporate logo!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
R.JAK <Zelda>: You're not Recoom! You're DARK Destructoid Gray Rhino King in disguise!
Sig <Gray Rhino King>: Arrrgh! My clever disguise has been seen through! Now I have to kill you in the name of DARK!
R.JAK <woodenly>: Help! I've fallen. And I can't get up!
SIG: Y'know, actually, that woman was reliving a real-life experience, so I can understand if she was
reluctant to put much emotion into--
R.JAK: Forgetaboutit.
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
SIG: At this point, I'm surprised that Zelda didn't give Recoom a medal.
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!!
TBS <Dav>: There HAS to be another reason why you lick yourself!
> The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
SAMAS: Where's Kikaida when you need him?
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
ALL: WOOOOO!
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
TBS: And he still -- didn't -- disintegrate! I want my money back!
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%cc67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
TBS: So it's attack based on the former WCW manager in drag talking about continuity?
>
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom.
R.JAK: Uh-oh. They're gaining Dragonball characteristics by osmosis.
> The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
>
TBS: And melting him to a crisp!
SIG: ...and to top it all off, he goes right through the septic tank! Boy, that's going to be a pain to fix...
SIG: And what was Dav doing the whole time?
EON: Staring at Red XIII, who was licking himself.
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
SIG: So *that's* who Joe is.
T.OGRE: Like we even care.
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
EON <Vegeta>: Mike Krots? Doesn't he live in Springfield?
TBS <Mr.Crotch>: Thank you Mr. Highwind, I'll be sure to stand out long and proud for you!
T.OGRE: OK, that's it!
[T.OGRE powerbombs TBS through a flaming, barbed wire wrapped table.]
TBS <singing, dazedly>: London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down...
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
TBS <sheriff>: These dipsticks are the good guys?
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
SAMAS <Vincent>: Fine. See if I ever act dramatic around you people again. Philistines.
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
[ALL facefault.]
R.JAK: Boy. Just when you thought there weren't any taboos they hadn't broken yet.
[SIG growls.]
[T.OGRE twitches.]
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
SIG: ...*Again*??? By the three gods...
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
T.OGRE: But will your dildo save you from a power-bombing?
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: He's going to bring in the BIGGER PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
T.OGRE: You bought a slurpee from there earlier, you idiot!
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
[R.JAK opens his mouth to speak--]
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
R.JAK: Nice preemptive strike, but it won't save you.
SIG: Actually, thrice now, but who cares?
SAMAS: You kept count?
SIG: It's either that or the plot.
EON: What plot?
SIG: Point.
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
TBS <Zelda>: ...will go out for an Orange Julius while you do
the hard stuff.
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
R.JAK <Link>: Yeah, I had an extra life in my stock! Ain't that something?
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
SIG: He writes for Adult Swim.
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can! And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
TBS: Dude. *Hutchins* doesn't do it *that* blatantly.
SAMAS: Okay, I think I get it. Dav traded in his Aura of Smooth for some Deus Ex Machinas.
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem!
TBS <Author>: It's good to be the king.
> Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
>
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
SAMAS: Can nobody in this fic recognize sarcasm when they hear it?
R.JAK: It's supposed to be funny.
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
[Everyone else looks at SIG.]
SIG: What? What?
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
SAMAS <Link>: D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
EVIL BLACK FURBY: You're the Ass Master!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
T>OGRE <Zelda>: It's not that, it's just that it's a box of decades old Twinkies! It's so old, you can see Superman plastered over the box!
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
EON: Homophobia, sexism, and now racism.
R.JAK: Your point?
EON: It's a Jack Chick comic. All that's missing is the Devil in cardinal's robes going "HAW HAW HAW!"
SIG: Compared to Jack Chick, this fic is an improvement.
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
SIG <Link>: Now I have to take a shower and scrub myself. Care to join me, Zelda?
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
SAMAS: No, he's just doing his GIR impression.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me
In which many other things happen and I crave chalupas.
by
> At the base of the tower...
TBS: A giant hand was clenched there, so the tower did'nt have any premature...oik!
[T.OGRE bends TBS into a pretzel]
T.OGRE: Take your phallic imagery elsewhere!
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
TBS <John Merrick>: I bet my nose.
EON: I see your nose and raise you two rabbit bottoms.
SAMAS: I see your rabbit bottoms and raise you a dog tookus.
SIG: I see your dog tookus and raise you...
[SIG pauses dramatically.]
SIG: ...a pig's hind flank.
EON: I fold.
SAMAS: Me too.
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
R.JAK <Vegeta, lisping>: And who's your interior designer? Girlfriend, you have got to know that chenille couches are so overdone!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
SIG <Link>: I'm a sensitive soul in turmoil! Pity me!
EON: Sure it looks ugly, but the Room bonuses are really up there.
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
EON: They didn't know that this place was Recoom's private stable.
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
TBS <Link>: Okay, okay, so I'm moonlighting as a Keebler. I gotta pay the bills *somehow*.
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
R.JAK <Dav>: I did not give you permission to produce cookies from thin air, young man!
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967.
SIG: Those are really old cookies you got there...
T.OGRE: Old enough to have shaken hands with Andy Warhol, maybe.
> Ah crap! They're spoiled!
EON: Like MOST children born before that date.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
T.OGRE <Cloud>: You'd think he would have learned his lesson after eating half a box of mothballs.
SIG <Cid>: I thought they were jawbreakers!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
SAMAS <Link>: I told you, I'm an ELF, not a fairy! I don't flutter about granting people's fucking wishes!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
EON <Link>: I am MIGHTY!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: It's made of styrofoam, Link.
EON <Link>: Don't crush my mighty hopes, damn you!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
EON <singing>: You think you're special, you do, I can see it in your eyes...
SIG <singing>: Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...
/** Okay, so I goofed the ref on the first try. ^^;;; I can't believe I missed the ref, considering I have the Version 2.0 album ripped to MP3. Yeah, I like Garbage too. -Sig **/
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
TBS: Ah...highbrow comedy. Gotta love it...
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
SIG: Maybe you should have though of that before coating the steps with Teflon.
R.JAK: Look on the bright side. At least you can grill eggs on them and not have them get charred.
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
SAMAS: Eh, it's probably Diabolik on his cell phone.
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
EON <Mojo Jojo>: And the voices coming from outside of the tower belong to people outside of the tower, and the people outside of the tower have voices coming into the tower to the ears of...MOOOOOOOOOOOOJO JOJO!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
TBS: Winning a hollow victory?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
SIG: E.T. as an elf. What an interesting image.
R.JAK: ...Never, EVER, mention E.T. in the vicinity of this! I cried like a BABY whenever I watched it!
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
TBS: So elves are just midget clones of Rowan Atkinson?
EON: Cool.
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
T.OGRE: He's not the only one who's going to need Rehab by the end of this fic.
[T.OGRE winces as R.JAK dry-swallows a bottle of asprin]
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
SIG: Don't worry, Dav. I'm sure Zelda won't give Keebler-boy here the time of day after raping her.
SAMAS: Don't count on it.
SIG: Whose side are you on?
SAMAS: Just stating an eventuality, that's all.
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
R.JAK <Link, plummy english accent>: You can't treat me like this! I was created by Shigeru Miyamoto!!
T.OGRE <Vegeta>: I can blow up planets.
R.JAK <Link>: But you don't have an ounce of class to make it look good. not to mention you take simply AGES to do it.
SIG <Dav>: Now now, we still have to teach those cads, the Ginyu Force, a lesson. Shall we put our differences aside for just a few minutes, my good sirs?
TBS <random kid>: KISS TUBBY! KISS TUBBY!
SAMAS: Dav and Dyne done by PG Wodehouse, ladies and gentlemen.
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
T.OGRE <Link>: What point am I supposed to have proven again?
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
EON: We should've been trying to make a Dave and Dyne drinking game.
R.JAK: We'd be in alcoholic comas by now.
EON: But at least we wouldn't be watching this...
[Pause while ALL think this over.]
TBS: Yousa points well took.
R.JAK: GODDAMNIT, NO FUCKING GUNGONICS!
TBS: Whoa. Okay.
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
TBS: I want a goddamn pony too, but did I ever get it? NO! I got a HARLEY!
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
TBS <Chaos>: CHAOS SMASH!
R.JAK: Tarts have feelings too!
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
T.OGRE <Undertaker>: All my tarts want is a little respect, and they'll get it if I have to wring it out of each and every one of your necks!
EON <singing>: Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
SIG: Whilst screaming as humanely loud as possible!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
TBS <Buttape3>: I like poop, and so do my cats!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
TBS <Recoom>: Hey Chase. I just realized something.
SIG <Chase>: What's that?
TBS <Recoom>: We're the only two characters in Dragon Ball that can't fly.
SIG <Chase>: Well... shit.
SAMAS: That true?
SIG <shrugging>: No, but it would be really funny as hell if it was...
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
[SAMAS makes a whipcrack noise.]
SIG: This IS the badass Cloud from Kingdom Hearts.
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
R.JAK <Link>: But I can't...
SAMAS <Goku>: GODAMMIT, JUST DO IT!
R.JAK <Link>: Woah! OK!
[R.JAK mimes throwing the boulder onto SIG.]
SIG <Goku>: ARRRGH! MY SPLEEN!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
[*boomlet*]
T.OGRE: ...the hell?
R.JAK: I'd have to go and check, but I think that was the goofy-meter exploding in self-defense.
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
SIG <Vincent>: .............Who'd want to copy you morons?
EON: Any reason why you picked Vincent from the cast of deranged loonies we've got assembled here?
SIG: He threatened to hurt Cid.
EON: I see.
R.JAK: Ah, he's just moody. He does that all the time.
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
T.OGRE <singing>: You look so good to me...
EON: I'm stunned. That was in-character.
ALL: That's nice...
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
SAMAS <George>: Martha's going to put on some rhythms she understands. Sacre du Printemps, maybe.
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
[ALL boo.]
EON <announcer>: Are you having trouble with your feet?
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
SIG <Chase>: I didn't win the Flaming Feet dancing championship seven times in a row to be chewed out by you ingrates!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
EON: I like Ike.
T.OGRE: I like swords.
R.JAK: I like coffee. I like tea. I like the Java jive and it likes me.
SIG: I like to burn the flesh from the bones of everyone in the vicinity, capture their freshly released souls, defile them through the thirty-two paths of the three veils of negative existence, and offer them up to Lord Chaos to gain favor in his eyes and thus find a quick and harrowing road to power far surpassing anything that has been possessed by human hands!
MMK <over intercom>: I like elephants.
[*WHUMP*!]
TBS: Dude, there's something on your head.
SIG: (under elephant) No kidding...
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
R.JAK <Cid>: In fact, there he goes, over the horizon! Come back here, you yellow bellied corporate logo!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
R.JAK <Zelda>: You're not Recoom! You're DARK Destructoid Gray Rhino King in disguise!
Sig <Gray Rhino King>: Arrrgh! My clever disguise has been seen through! Now I have to kill you in the name of DARK!
R.JAK <woodenly>: Help! I've fallen. And I can't get up!
SIG: Y'know, actually, that woman was reliving a real-life experience, so I can understand if she was
reluctant to put much emotion into--
R.JAK: Shoo! Do not meddle me with your logic of feminine actions!
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
SIG: At this point, I'm surprised that Zelda didn't give Recoom a medal.
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!!
TBS <Dav>: There HAS to be another reason why you lick yourself!
> The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
SAMAS: Where's Kikaida when you need him?
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
ALL: WOOOOO!
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
TBS: And he still -- didn't -- disintegrate! I want my money back!
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%cc67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
EON: She pulled WHAT?
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
TBS: So it's attack based on the former WCW manager in drag talking about continuity?
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom.
R.JAK: Uh-oh. They're gaining Dragonball characteristics by osmosis.
> The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
TBS: And melting him to a crisp!
SIG: ...and to top it all off, he goes right through the septic tank! Boy, that's going to be a pain to fix...
SIG: And what was Dav doing the whole time?
EON: Staring at Red XIII, who was licking himself.
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
SIG: So *that's* who Joe is.
R.JAK: He wasn't the chocobo guy?
SIG: No, man. The camel.
R.JAK: Oh...
(there is a long pause. R.JAK looks to SIG again.)
R.JAK: (whispered) I knew that bastard had a bad affect on the kids.
SIG: Yes he did.
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
EON <Vegeta>: Mike Krots? Doesn't he live in Springfield?
TBS <Mr.Crotch>: Thank you Mr. Highwind, I'll be sure to stand out long and proud for you!
T.OGRE: OK, that's it!
[T.OGRE powerbombs TBS through a flaming, barbed wire wrapped table.]
TBS <singing, dazedly>: London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down...
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
TBS <sheriff>: These dipsticks are the good guys?
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
R.JAK: Erm...yeah...that's nice...
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
SAMAS <Vincent>: Fine. See if I ever act dramatic around you people again. Philistines.
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
[ALL facefault.]
R.JAK: Boy. Just when you thought there weren't any taboos they hadn't broken yet.
[SIG growls.]
[T.OGRE twitches.]
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
SIG: ...*Again*??? By the three gods...
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
SIG: And the scene grinds to a halt as everyone realizes the dildo was a dramatic plot point...
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
T.OGRE: But will your dildo save you from a power-bombing?
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: He's going to bring in the BIGGER PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
T.OGRE: You bought a slurpee from there earlier, you idiot!
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
[R.JAK opens his mouth to speak--]
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
R.JAK: Nice preemptive strike, but it won't save you.
SIG: Actually, thrice now, but who cares?
SAMAS: You kept count?
SIG: It's either that or the plot.
EON: What plot?
SIG: Point.
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
TBS <Zelda>: ...will go out for an Orange Julius while you do the hard stuff.
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
EON: Yes, and now that his manhood has been violated, he's going to shoot himself.
T.OGRE: The tragic irony...
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
TBS: Okay...girl gets raped two hours earlier...and now she's offering a night of passion. Is there any girl who's actually LIKE that?
R.JAK: In Belariath, yes. Real life...no.
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can!
R.JAK <Author>: And Doc Thinker has me at gunpoint for the moment.
> And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
TBS: Dude. Hutchins doesn't do it THAT blatantly.
SAMAS: So much for a Deus Ex Machinas.
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
R.JAK: And thus ends another cameo.
ALL: (weakly) Yaaaay.
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem!
TBS: It's good to be the king.
> Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
R.JAK <Ramza>: Oh! A floodgate!
T.OGRE <Ginyu>: Get the FUCK away from there!
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
SAMAS: Can nobody in this fic recognize sarcasm when they hear it?
R.JAK: Why YES. That's what makes it SO UNIQUE among other literary works! And it provides some CLASSY DIALOGUE!
SAMAS: Oh...okay...just asking...thought it was unintentional.
(pause)
R.JAK: It WAS unintentional, meathead.
SAMAS: Oh yeah...sarcasm...
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
[Everyone else looks at SIG.]
SIG: What? What?
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
SAMAS <Link>: D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
EVIL BLACK FURBY: You're the Ass Master!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
T.OGRE <Zelda>: It's not that, it's just that it's a box of decades old Twinkies! It's so old, you can see Superman plastered over the box!
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
EON: Homophobia, sexism, and now racism.
R.JAK: Your point?
EON: It's a Jack Chick comic. All that's missing is the Devil in cardinal's robes going "HAW HAW HAW!"
SIG: What about the faceless guy on the throne?
EON: Erm...
T.OGRE: Or that blatantly stereotypical heathen mocking scripture?
EON: Well...
R.JAK: What about references to Isis, Horus, and Set?
EON: LOOK! I was just SAYING...
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
SIG <Link>: Now I have to take a shower and scrub myself. Care to join me, Zelda?
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
SAMAS: No, he's just doing his GIR impression.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me
In which I make riffs, and everyone else dies of suprise.
by SAMAS
> At the base of the tower...
TBS: A giant hand was clenched there, so the tower didn't have any premature...oik!
[T.OGRE bends TBS into a pretzel]
T.OGRE: Take your phallic imagery elsewhere!
>
> Vegeta: What crappy decorations! I bet a donkey's @$$
TBS <John Merrick>: I bet my nose.
EON: I see your nose and raise you two rabbit bottoms.
SAMAS: I see your rabbit bottoms and raise you a dog tookus.
SIG: I see your dog tookus and raise you...
[SIG pauses dramatically.]
SIG: ...a pig's hind flank.
EON: I fold.
SAMAS: Me too.
> fairy boy's house has better decorations in it then this!
R.JAK <Vegeta, lisping>: And who's your interior designer? Girlfriend, you have got to know that chenille couches are so overdone!
> Red XIII: It probably has no decorations!
> Link: Stop making fun of me!
SIG <Link>: I'm a sensitive soul in turmoil! Pity me!
EON: Sure it looks ugly, but the Room bonuses are really up there.
> Vegeta: It's at least better than this s**t Canon Dork put
> in here!
EON: They didn't know that this place was Recoom's private stable.
> Red XIII: You have a point there...
> Cloud: It even smells bad!
TBS <Link>: Okay, okay, so I'm moonlighting as a Keebler. I gotta pay the bills *somehow*.
> Barret: It's comin' from da' foo' Cid!!!
> Cid: Hey! I do not smell! (takes a cookie and eats it)
> Dav: Where did you get those cookies!?!?
R.JAK <Dav>: I did not give you permission to produce cookies from thin air, young man!
> Cid: They were laying beside a dead b***h so I took them!
EON <Stan>: Oh my God, they killed Tiffa!
SAMAS <Kyle>: You bastards!
TBS: You know she's gonna kill you for that, right?
SAMAS: If it comes before the end of this fic, I'll die happy.
> Dav: You moron! Look at the expiration date on the bottom
> of the package!
> Cid: (looks on the bottom of the package) It says... eat
> before September 1967.
SIG: Those are really old cookies you got there...
T.OGRE: Old enough to have shaken hands with Andy Warhol, maybe.
> Ah crap! They're spoiled!
EON: Like MOST children born before that date.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Goku: I thought you knew they were spoiled!
> Cid: How would I know!?!?!?!?!? I don't look at the
> packages!
EON <Barret>: They're green and brown, Foo!
SIG <Cid>: I thought they were mint chocolate chip!
EON <Barret>: But the package says "Sugar Cookies!"
T.OGRE <Cloud>: You'd think he would have learned his lesson after eating half a box of mothballs.
SIG <Cid>: I thought they were jawbreakers!
> Link: Don't feel too bad. I don't either.
> Cid: Go to hell, fairy boy!
SAMAS <Link>: I told you, I'm an ELF, not a fairy! I don't flutter about granting people's fucking wishes!
> Link: (goes down the stairs and lifts up the huge stone
> blocking the light section entrance) Hey look guys! I can
> pick this up!
EON <Link>: I am MIGHTY!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: It's made of styrofoam, Link.
EON <Link>: Don't crush my mighty hopes, damn you!
> Tifa: (sarcastically) Yeah...
> Vincent: Your special now...
EON <singing>: You think you're special, you do, I can see it in your eyes...
SIG <singing>: Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special, I thought you should know...
/** Okay, so I goofed the ref on the first try. ^^;;; I can't believe I missed the ref, considering I have the Version 2.0 album ripped to MP3. Yeah, I like Garbage too. -Sig **/
> Link: Yeah I know!
> (in the tower)
> Chase: Dammit, Recoom! Can't you go one flight of stairs
> without falling?
> Recoom: No... (gets up but falls down the stairs again)
> WAHHHH!
TBS: Ah...highbrow comedy. Gotta love it...
> Chase: (dodges Recoom by inches) Goddammit! You almost
> flattin' me!!!!
> Recoom: Sorry... It hard for me...
SIG: Maybe you should have though of that before coating the steps with Teflon.
R.JAK: Look on the bright side. At least you can grill eggs on them and not have them get charred.
> Chase: Dude, shut up! I hear voices coming from outside of
> the tower!
SAMAS: Eh, it's probably Diabolik on his cell phone.
> Recoom: Look Chase! They're people outside of the tower!
EON <Mojo Jojo>: And the voices coming from outside of the tower belong to people outside of the tower, and the people outside of the tower have voices coming into the tower to the ears of...MOOOOOOOOOOOOJO JOJO!
> Chase: What the hell is that one gay @$$ elf doing holding
> up that huge stone!?!?
TBS: Winning a hollow victory?
> Recoom: I don't like elves Chase! Every Christmas they
> kidnap you, take you up on their airplane and put metal
> sticks up your butt!
SIG: E.T. as an elf. What an interesting image.
R.JAK: ...Never, EVER, mention E.T. in the vicinity of this! I cried like a BABY whenever I watched it!
> Chase: Those are the visitors you retard, and they fly
> spaceships, not planes!!!!
> Recoom: Oh, then what are elves?
> Chase: Elves are those tiny little people with pointy ears
> that dance around and spank their own @$$s!!!!!!
TBS: So elves are just midget clones of Rowan Atkinson?
EON: Cool.
> Recoom: Oh, I get the difference! I always get confused
> between those two!!!!
> Chase: Remind me to send you to Rehab when this job's
> done!
T.OGRE: He's not the only one who's going to need Rehab by the end of this fic.
[T.OGRE winces as R.JAK dry-swallows a bottle of asprin]
> Recoom: Uh, okay Chase, I will!
> Chase: Shut up and let's listen to what these people have
> to say!
> (back down at the base of the tower)
> Zelda: Stop being a damn showoff you stupid d**k!
> Link: I'm doing it for you, baby cakes!
> Dav: Man!!! Link likes Zelda! Now I can't get a date with
> her!
SIG: Don't worry, Dav. I'm sure Zelda won't give Keebler-boy here the time of day after raping her.
SAMAS: Don't count on it.
SIG: Whose side are you on?
SAMAS: Just stating an eventuality, that's all.
> Zelda: What did you say?
> Dav: I said Link can go suck a cow's @$$!!!!!
> Link: Hey!
> Zelda: (in disappointment) Oh... well yes, he can.
> Link: HEY!!!!
R.JAK <Link, plummy english accent>: You can't treat me like this! I was created by Shigeru Miyamoto!!
T.OGRE <Vegeta>: I can blow up planets.
R.JAK <Link>: But you don't have an ounce of class to make it look good. not to mention you take simply AGES to do it.
SIG <Dav>: Now now, we still have to teach those cads, the Ginyu Force, a lesson. Shall we put our differences aside for just a few minutes, my good sirs?
TBS <random kid>: KISS TUBBY! KISS TUBBY!
SAMAS: Dav and Dyne done by PG Wodehouse, ladies and gentlemen.
> Vegeta: You can drop it now! You've proven your invisible
> point!
> Link: What's that mean?
> Red XIII: It means you haven't proven your point.
T.OGRE <Link>: What point am I supposed to have proven again?
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!
EON: We should've been trying to make a Dave and Dyne drinking game.
R.JAK: We'd be in alcoholic comas by now.
EON: But at least we wouldn't be watching this...
[Pause while ALL think this over.]
TBS: Yousa points well took.
R.JAK: GODDAMNIT, NO FUCKING GUNGONICS!
TBS: Whoa. Okay.
> Cid: I want some goddamn tea!!!! I want some goddamn
> hash!!!! I wanna watch the goddamn Dukes!!!
TBS: I want a goddamn pony too, but did I ever get it? NO! I got a HARLEY!
EON <Harley Quinn>: Well, I do my best, Mistah C!
> Vincent: Mind if you keep your speech down?
> Cid:Shut the hell up! Your tarts suck and so does your
> girlfriend!!!!
> Vincent: Grrrrrrrrrrr... DON'T EVER INSULT MY TARTS
> AGAIN!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos)
TBS <Chaos>: CHAOS SMASH!
R.JAK: Tarts have feelings too!
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!! (runs like hell)
> Vincent: Whahahahahahahaha! I'll teach you to respect my
> tarts!
T.OGRE <Undertaker>: All my tarts want is a little respect, and they'll get it if I have to wring it out of each and every one of your necks!
EON <singing>: Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'
> Cid: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> (back in the tower)
> Recoom: I hate tarts! They taste like s**t!
> Chase: Let's take this opportunity to attack while they're
> still arguing!
SIG: Whilst screaming as humanely loud as possible!
> Recoom: I ate tarts once while I was watching soap operas!
> They tasted like cat poop! I hate tarts! They suck!
TBS <Buttape3>: I like poop, and so do my cats!
> Chase: OK!! You've made your point! Now shut up and let's
> get going! (jump out of the window)
TBS <Recoom>: Hey Chase. I just realized something.
SIG <Chase>: What's that?
TBS <Recoom>: We're the only two characters in Dragon Ball that can't fly.
SIG <Chase>: Well... shit.
SAMAS: That true?
SIG <shrugging>: No, but it would be really funny as hell if it was...
> (at the base of the tower)
> Vincent: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I shall chop of your
> wee wee!
> Cid: Noooooo! Not my wee wee!!!!!!!!
> Cloud: Knock it off you two! You guys are starting to piss
> me off!!!!
> Vincent and Cid: ....Sorry....
[SAMAS makes a whipcrack noise.]
SIG: This IS the badass Cloud from Kingdom Hearts.
> Aeris: You better be!!!
> Link: Hey guys, I can't hold this thing much longer! You
> think you could give me a hand here?
> Goku: You lifted it up, you put it down!
R.JAK <Link>: But I can't...
SAMAS <Goku>: GODAMMIT, JUST DO IT!
R.JAK <Link>: Woah! OK!
[R.JAK mimes throwing the boulder onto SIG.]
SIG <Goku>: ARRRGH! MY SPLEEN!
> Link: But I'll drop it on myself!!!!
> Barret: At least we'd get some peace an' quiet!!!!
> (suddenly Chase comes down and chops the block to pieces
> with his super dildo)
[*boomlet*]
T.OGRE: ...the hell?
R.JAK: I'd have to go and check, but I think that was the goofy-meter exploding in self-defense.
> Chase: Stop right there, imposters!!!!! I can't allow you
> to go any further!!
SIG <Vincent>: .............Who'd want to copy you morons?
EON: Any reason why you picked Vincent from the cast of deranged loonies we've got assembled here?
SIG: He threatened to hurt Cid.
EON: I see.
R.JAK: Ah, he's just moody. He does that all the time.
> Dav: Who are you guys!?!?!?
> Chase: My name is... CHASE!!! (does his gay dance)
> Recoom: My name is Recoom, it rhymes with doom and you'll
> be hurting all too soon! Surly, I am a man of many
> talents!!! (does his gay dance)
T.OGRE <singing>: You look so good to me...
EON: I'm stunned. That was in-character.
ALL: That's nice...
> Chase: We are...
> Chase and Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!!! (does another gay
> dance)
SAMAS <George>: Martha's going to put on some rhythms she understands. Sacre du Printemps, maybe.
> Link: What s**tty dancing!
[ALL boo.]
EON <announcer>: Are you having trouble with your feet?
> Zelda: Yeah, Ganondorf could do his victory dance better
> than that!!!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha!!! That little elf just said our
> dancing sucked!!!
> Chase: We don't like people insulting our dancing!!
SIG <Chase>: I didn't win the Flaming Feet dancing championship seven times in a row to be chewed out by you ingrates!
> Recoom, she may be a big breasted hotty, but you know the
> rules... anyone who insults our dancing...DIES!!! One more
> thing, if you don't finish her in five seconds, no TV for
> another week!
> Recoom: Oh okay! I like soap operas!!!
EON: I like Ike.
T.OGRE: I like swords.
R.JAK: I like coffee. I like tea. I like the Java jive and it likes me.
SIG: I like to burn the flesh from the bones of everyone in the vicinity, capture their freshly released souls, defile them through the thirty-two paths of the three veils of negative existence, and offer them up to Lord Chaos to gain favor in his eyes and thus find a quick and harrowing road to power far surpassing anything that has been possessed by human hands!
MMK <over intercom>: I like elephants.
[*WHUMP*!]
TBS: Dude, there's something on your head.
SIG: (under elephant) No kidding...
> Cid: You faggit!!!!!
> Recoom: Your next after the hotty!!!
> Cid: (sarcastically) Whoa! I'm so scared that Smoking Joe
> Camel on my cigarette carton is gonna run away!!!
R.JAK <Cid>: In fact, there he goes, over the horizon! Come back here, you yellow bellied corporate logo!
> Recoom: Shut up! (turns to Zelda) This outta be fun!
> Hahahahahaha!!! (charges at Zelda)
> Zelda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Link: ZELDA!!! (jumps in front of her)
> Zelda: Link, NO!!!!!
> Recoom: This is my Recoom boom! (rams Link right through
> the wall, sending him flying out the castle)
R.JAK <Zelda>: You're not Recoom! You're DARK Destructoid Gray Rhino King in disguise!
Sig <Gray Rhino King>: Arrrgh! My clever disguise has been seen through! Now I have to kill you in the name of DARK!
R.JAK <woodenly>: Help! I've fallen. And I can't get up!
SIG: Y'know, actually, that woman was reliving a real-life experience, so I can understand if she was
reluctant to put much emotion into--
R.JAK: Shoo! Do not meddle me with your logic of feminine actions!
> Zelda: L-----I-----N-----K!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Recoom: Now I call that... THE MISSING LINK!!
> Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
SIG: At this point, I'm surprised that Zelda didn't give Recoom a medal.
> Red XIII: That was pretty corny!! (starts licking himself)
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Barret: Ya' disgusting crossbreed! Why da' ya' lick
> yourself!!
> Red XIII: 'Cause I can!!!!!!
> Dav: I can't believe it!!!
TBS <Dav>: There HAS to be another reason why you lick yourself!
> The fairy boy had enough
> courage to risk himself for Zelda!!!
> Cid: Amazing!!! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go
> outside and have a smoke!
> Recoom: Hahahahahahaha! Your not going anywhere!!!
> (charges at Cid)
> Cid: Oh s**t!!!!
SAMAS: Where's Kikaida when you need him?
> Zelda: Oh no you don't!! (counters Recoom's charge with a
> kick in the nuts)
ALL: WOOOOO!
> Recoom: Ohhhh..... that.... hurt.....
TBS: And he still -- didn't -- disintegrate! I want my money back!
> Zelda: I'll make you pay for what you did to Link you
> #%$$#&$@@$@&@$&@$@$@$@$@%@$^%#@$&$#$^**#%&@%@#%&&@$&@$@&$@$535w447fv46D#U^D%FF%&%#@^%*@@%^24247@&@$&&@$@&^&$^%#**#&%#%*%#Ggfg(*&$$($(^^((^%)&%^%($%?%%^&$??#*$((*&*)%&$$@@#%^*))_*&^$^%@@$$@#%^*&*(^)(^%I$#%@$#!$@#%%^#VCVC ^%^%^#$%$^^%^%%cc67CV$*$$^$$^*$^$^$^$^ %&$$$64646^&^$($^($^($^1!!!!!!
> (beats the living crap out of Recoom)
> Tifa: Whoa! Zelda pulled another Cid!!!!
EON: She pulled WHAT?
> Zelda: (jumps up in the air) And now to finish you off!
> PRINCESS CANON FLARE!!!
TBS: So it's attack based on the former WCW manager in drag talking about continuity?
> Zelda fires her newly learned skill down at Recoom.
R.JAK: Uh-oh. They're gaining Dragonball characteristics by osmosis.
> The
> blast blows Recoom right through the floor and through the
> rock the castle is standing on, plumming him into the
> fiery pits below.
TBS: And melting him to a crisp!
SIG: ...and to top it all off, he goes right through the septic tank! Boy, that's going to be a pain to fix...
SIG: And what was Dav doing the whole time?
EON: Staring at Red XIII, who was licking himself.
> Cid: Ah s**t! That was close! But at least Smokin' Joe is
> still here!!!
> Smoking Joe Camel: That's what you think! I got so scared
> I peed my pants! I'm outta here! (runs away)
SIG: So *that's* who Joe is.
R.JAK: He wasn't the chocobo guy?
SIG: No, man. The camel.
R.JAK: Oh...
(there is a long pause. R.JAK looks to SIG again.)
R.JAK: (whispered) I knew that bastard had a bad affect on the kids.
SIG: Yes he did.
> Cid: Ah, fudge you, you stupid camel!! Run home to your
> mommy, you coward!!!! (throws his cigarette carton on the
> ground and starts stomping it)
> Smoking Joe Camel: I'm not gonna see my mommy! I'm going
> to Disneyworld!
> Cid: You b*****d!!!
> Vegeta: Who are you talking to!?!?
> Cid: (sarcastically) I'm talking to my crotch! Hi Mr.
> Crotch! I see your not doing very well today! Are you
> sick? Well, Uncle Cid will take care of you!!!
EON <Vegeta>: Mike Krots? Doesn't he live in Springfield?
TBS <Mr.Crotch>: Thank you Mr. Highwind, I'll be sure to stand out long and proud for you!
T.OGRE: OK, that's it!
[T.OGRE powerbombs TBS through a flaming, barbed wire wrapped table.]
TBS <singing, dazedly>: London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down...
T.OGRE: That's not me gettin at'cha, that's (Scoots back on one leg) GAAAWWD getting at'cha!
> Vegeta: Why are you telling your crotch to run home and
> calling him a coward!?!?!?!?
> Cid: I wasn't talking to my crotch you moron!
> Vegeta: Shut up you retarded dips**t!!!
TBS <sheriff>: These dipsticks are the good guys?
> Cloud: Both of you shut up! We'll resolve this with a game
> of Goldeneye but right now we have to kick this guy's
> sorry @$$!!!
> Dav: Let's go!!!!
> Chase.......
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Da' foo' is scared
> stiff!
R.JAK: Erm...yeah...that's nice...
> Goku: He's probably afraid Zelda will kick his butt like
> she did to Recoom!
> Red XIII: Whatta chicken!
> Chase: That's not it!!! I'm still amazed that this women
> defeated a person with a power level over 5000 times of
> hers!!!!
> Vincent: Amazing things happen... you can't explain it...
> Everyone: SHUT UP, VINCENT!!!!
> Vincent: Oh....poopy....
SAMAS <Vincent>: Fine. See if I ever act dramatic around you people again. Philistines.
> Chase: Well then, I see I have no choice but to kill this
> hot, sexy women and rape her dead body with my dildo!
[ALL facefault.]
R.JAK: Boy. Just when you thought there weren't any taboos they hadn't broken yet.
[SIG growls.]
[T.OGRE twitches.]
> UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (charges at Zelda, swinging his
> dildo around)
> Zelda: Oh s**t, not again!!!
SIG: ...*Again*??? By the three gods...
> Chase: Prepare to feel the wrath... OF THE MIGHTY DILDO!!!
> Hahahaha!
> Dav: Go smack your grandma you pervert! (blocks Chase and
> knocks him to the ground)
> Chase: Ah s**t! That actually hurt!
> Dav: Is that all you got!?!?!?
> Chase: I'm just warming up! (charges at Dav)
> Aeris: Sorry bucko, but your dildo days are through!
> (grabs the dildo from Chase and breaks it in half)
SIG: And the scene grinds to a halt as everyone realizes the dildo was a dramatic plot point...
> Chase: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY DILDO! MY DILDO! MY
> PRECUIOS DILDO!! It's gone! It's gone! I can't believe
> it's gone! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
> Tifa: Now women everywhere can rejoice! (does her chain of
> limit breaks on Chase)
> Chase: I'll be back... and next time... WITH A MORE
> POWERFUL DILDO!! (dies)
T.OGRE: But will your dildo save you from a power-bombing?
[TBS gasps.]
TBS: He's going to bring in the BIGGER PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
> Cid: That takes care of those @$$ monkeys!!!!
> Goku: Not quite... there's still Captain Ginyu and two
> others!
> Vegeta: The other two aren't here, Kakaraught! They're at
> the nieghborhood K-Mart on the other side of town!!!!
> Barret: Dis' town has da' K-Mart!?!?!?!?
T.OGRE: You bought a slurpee from there earlier, you idiot!
> Cid: ALL RIGHT!!! FREE PARKING!
> Cloud: Calm down you horny brutes! We still have a mission
> to complete!!!
> Red XIII: And how many times has that line been said
> through out this fic?
[R.JAK opens his mouth to speak--]
> Cloud: I dunno, probably a billion or something!
R.JAK: Nice preemptive strike, but it won't save you.
SIG: Actually, thrice now, but who cares?
SAMAS: You kept count?
SIG: It's either that or the plot.
EON: What plot?
SIG: Point.
> Vincent: I suggets we split into two groups...
> Zelda: Good idea! Goku, Dav, Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta and Aeris
> will go up the tower while Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid
> and I...
TBS <Zelda>: ...will go out for an Orange Julius while you do the hard stuff.
> Link: (stumbles into the room) Wait...for...me... oh
> my....@$$...
> Zelda: LINK! YOUR ALIVE!!!!
EON: Yes, and now that his manhood has been violated, he's going to shoot himself.
T.OGRE: The tragic irony...
> Link: That's right! I'm back and with a vengence!!
> Zelda: Your my hero, Link!! I PROMISE you and I will make
> hot love tonight!!
> Link: WHOO! HOOOO! YEAH BABY!!!
> Dav: (all heartbroken) Oh poopy...
TBS: Okay...girl gets raped two hours earlier...and now she's offering a night of passion. Is there any girl who's actually LIKE that?
R.JAK: In Belariath, yes. Real life...no.
SAMAS(to SIG): Told 'ya.
> Zelda: Your coming with us to get the dragon balls from
> the water section of the castle! Let's split up gang!
> Freddy: (from Scooby Doo) Hey! That's my line! Let's split
> up gang!
> Cloud: Why did the author have to put a s**tty character
> in this fic!?!?
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Cause I can!
R.JAK <Author>: And Doc Thinker has me at gunpoint for the moment.
> And besides, I like Scooby
> Doo but hate Freddy! If you guys want, you can kill him!
> That's why I put him in the fic!
TBS: Dude. Hutchins doesn't do it THAT blatantly.
SAMAS: So much for a Deus Ex Machinas.
> Cid: Ah cool!!!!
> Red XIII: I'll vaporize him with my Ultra sonic vaporizing
> fart canon blast!!!
> Barret: I'll blow da' damn foo's brains out!?!?!?
> Freddy: Oh crap...
> Dav: Ready Cloud?
> Cloud: Yep, die fruitcake!!! (all of them gang up on
> Freddy and he dies)
R.JAK: And thus ends another cameo.
ALL: (weakly) Yaaaay.
> Tifa: That was fun!! Thanks Dave! You've helped me let out
> a lot of stress!
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: No problem!
TBS: It's good to be the king.
> Back to the fic!!!
>
> Zelda and her party head for the water section of the
> castle while Goku and his party head for the tower to
> defeat Captain Ginyu, Scarlet and Yuffie. Meanwhile in the
> water part of the castle...
R.JAK <Ramza>: Oh! A floodgate!
T.OGRE <Ginyu>: Get the FUCK away from there!
> Cid: Damn! It's freezing in here!
> Red XIII: (sarcastically) Really? I thought it was 200
> degrees in here!
> Link: Well if you think that there's something wrong with
> your body temperature!!!
SAMAS: Can nobody in this fic recognize sarcasm when they hear it?
R.JAK: Why YES. That's what makes it SO UNIQUE among other literary works! And it provides some CLASSY DIALOGUE!
SAMAS: Oh...okay...just asking...thought it was unintentional.
(pause)
R.JAK: It WAS unintentional, meathead.
SAMAS: Oh yeah...sarcasm...
> Red XIII: Shows how stupid you are, fairy boy!!!!!!!
> Link: Hey! Shut the hell up!
> Zelda: Watch your step!!! It's slippery!!!
[Everyone else looks at SIG.]
SIG: What? What?
> Vincent: Thanks for the warning.... AHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into a wall)
> Barret: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Da' foo'
> slllliiiiipppppppeeeeedddd!! (slips and slams into a wall)
SAMAS/EON/TBS(sing): We're sliiipin' on the ice! Just sliiiipin' on the ice!
> Link: Whatta bunch of wienies... WAHHHHHH! (slips and
> slams into the ice cicle wall covering the blue flame)
SAMAS <Link>: D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!
> Red XIII: (sees falling icicles) INCOMING!!!!!!
> Cid: Ah crap!
> Barret: (icicle goes up his @$$) AHHHHHHH! Da' icicle went
> up ma' @$$!!!
EVIL BLACK FURBY: You're the Ass Master!
> Cid: Serves ya' right you goddamn monkey!!!!
> Barret: Tea drinkin' faggit!!!!!!
> Zelda: Enough! Both of you!
> Barret: (getting up and holding his @$$) Hey look! It's a
> treasure chest!
> Zelda: Don't open that chest!!!!
> Barret: Why not? Is da' boogie man gonna jump out and
> attack me?
T.OGRE <Zelda>: It's not that, it's just that it's a box of decades old Twinkies! It's so old, you can see Superman plastered over the box!
> Zelda: NO BARRET!!!!
> Cid: Just let'em! It's the only way he can learn!
> Barret: Shuddap foo'! (opens the chest) AHHHHHH! (gets
> frozen)
> Cid: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now it's a
> monkey popsicle!!!
EON: Homophobia, sexism, and now racism.
R.JAK: Your point?
EON: It's a Jack Chick comic. All that's missing is the Devil in cardinal's robes going "HAW HAW HAW!"
SIG: What about the faceless guy on the throne?
EON: Erm...
T.OGRE: Or that blatantly stereotypical heathen mocking scripture?
EON: Well...
R.JAK: What about references to Isis, Horus, and Set?
EON: LOOK! I was just SAYING...
> Zelda: I tried to worn him...
> Link: Stuff happens!
> Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "S**t happens!" instead!?!?!?!?!?!?
> Link: S**t happens!
SIG <Link>: Now I have to take a shower and scrub myself. Care to join me, Zelda?
> Cid: That's better!!!!!
> Barret: Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
> Red XIII: It looks like he cussing you out, Cid.
SAMAS: No, he's just doing his GIR impression.
> Cid: Ah let'em! He ain't gonna do a thing about it!
> Zelda: I'll thaw him!!!
> Cid: Can't you wait another five hours or so!?!?!? I'm
> enjoying my time without that f**kin' monkey cussing me