Welcome to Mystery Octagon Theater's message board, where we write our MiSTings. Please read these guidelines:
before you submit a MiSTing post, make sure that you've checked your spelling. Please, as a favor to your long-suffering editor, adhere to the MOT Style Guide as much as possible, DAMMIT.
MOT is usually peopled by six to eight self-insertions. To get into the theater, call dibs when a new episode begins.
How to MiST: when someone posts part of a 'fic to be worked on, reply to that message with your jokes. When a section has been thoroughly worked over, we move on.
please do not impersonate another user or post anonymously. Evil twins are strictly prohibited.
all comments, compliments, and criticism relating to our MiSTings are encouraged and welcome on this board.
we are usually up to our collective ass in interested newbies. To handle these individuals, there is Quasispace, also known as the MOT B-Team. If you're interested in writing for MOT, go there.
if you attempt to post and receive a "document contained no data" error message, do not hit the "send" button again. That error message means that your post made it to the network54.com server, but the server's return message was garbled. Simply reload the main board, and your post should be there. This is what usually causes the double-posts in here.
Updates [3/1/2005]: several eps are in the editing stage, and will go up when I next update the site.
The plan, such as it is, is for ep. 205 to be a MiSTing of the script for Metal Gear Solid. Nick is the Mad with TV's Austin as his lackey; theater meat includes Gavok, MMK, TBS, and Wanderer, with n00bs Viper and Zemyla. You may wish to get it started, monkeypants.
Admins: Thomas Wilde (Wanderer), the Black Snotling
Progress report for the MMK!
by
Okay, I've now got the two rough copies in colour!
And there are now three and ... a fifth panels drawn! (But those you ain't going to get to see until I put it all together. ^_^)
Did I spoony anything up horribly? ^_^
And, yeah, I always tack on those copyright notices whenever I draw a pic of someone else's character online. Just letting people know the character ain't mine. ^_^
Do you think maybe we could continue this through the e-mail? Just because I don't want to take up anymore of MOT's precious time and space. ^_^ (No, I'm not being sarcastic. ^_^)
Looks good to *me*, I say! Of course I'm biased, but nonetheless! :)
by
Feel free to take it to email (multimediocreknight@yahoo.com), yes. This way not only will it avoid cluttering the MOT board, but when it's done it'll come as a surprise to people. :)
...I was going to suggest instead to take it to the Ballad of Shame and Wasted lives, but you're right. If it goes through the e-mail, it'll be a surprise for everyone. ^_^
-Skylark "Why is Hitler driving a truck on the cover of _Why Did The Underwear Cross The Road_?" Starflower
If you want fan art, I can give it a try. Just don't expect to see anything really quickly cause right now I'm not very inspired, and when I'm not inspired, my work is pretty sub-standard. And I don't like doing sub-standard work for people. ^_^
Appearance:
Pseudo-goth/hacker. He's of average build with green eyes and brown hair done Heero Yui style. He wears Citan Uzuki style glasses, fingerless gloves, a gray duster with the Draconis Combine symbol sewn on the back, dark gray t-shirt, red camo cargo pants, standard issue combat boots, two Sternsnacht Pythons (basically resembling Desert Eagles) holstered crosswise on each hip, and an ammo backpack with spare ammo.
Like the MOT profile says, he'd be more of a badass if anyone took him seriously.
Just one thing (that may/probably will make me sound totally out of things, but anyways) what *is* the Draconis Combine symbol? I'm fairly certian draconis means dragon, or something like that, right? (Everything else I can find on my own, so I'm good to go there. ^_^)
And... uh, yeah, I think that's it. For the moment, anyway. ^_^
-Skylark "Damn, I wanna PS2 and a copy of Xenogears!" Starflower
Sure. Why not? I did make an offer over there once, but no one seemed interested. If people want me to attempt to draw their characters, like I told R.Jak, all ya gotta do is ask. ^_^
Because there's a few characters (fiction and RPG, pretty much) that I've come up with and would like to see in art, but my artist-friend hasn't gotten around to more than the beginnings of a sketch for one, so... ^^
Basically, I'd like to request one or two pictures, but I'd rather do it via e-mail since they'd be massively OT for the Ballads. Either e-mail me, or post and I'll e-mail you, kay? ^_^
The rough copy is almost finished (the lighter the lines, the rougher they are ^_^), but I'll let you decide if it's right. (As it turns out, I didn't need the info about the dragon ^^;, but I'll draw a back view anyway. Any excuse to draw a dragon, I say. ^_^)
http://starbit.freeservers.com/RJak1stRough.jpg
And just because I know it's hard to read, the text says, "R.Jak (P.O.A*)" and the little star goes to "Pending Owner's Approval :)". And also, because I know it's hard to see the face in that scanning:
http://starbit.freeservers.com/RJakHeadRough.jpg
And a couple of important things I'd forgotten to ask the first time ^^;, does he look too old or too young? And do the guns go over or under the duster?
And, uh, yeah, I think that's all. ^_^
And do you mind if I take this to e-mail now, because I was kinda hoping to, you know, let this thread die. ^^;
>
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan! Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT! They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
>
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle. Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him) I like
> soap operas!
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit, some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch, a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila, a year supply of
> hair care products, the "Pleasure Machine 2000", a
> mastered Shiva materia, the cat, a grenade, a magnet, and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
>
Let me be the first to brave -- the Wrath of the Dildo
by
>
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan! Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT! They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
SAMAS: Well. *She* sure recovered quickly from being *date-raped*!
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
EON <Professor Treacherous Cockroach>: No, that's just what they'd *expect* me to do.
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
TBS: Wah! No testicle-kicking!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
>
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle. Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
EON: At NERV, Ritsuko discovers lobster sticks to magnet.
TBS: [sings] You got a Yuffie and you got a magnet, Yuffie has materia but don't you grab it...
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
TBS <Butt-Head>: Hey Beavis, look -- words.
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
T.OGRE: This fic is reading my mind again.
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
SIG <Zarbon>: Frankly, I think Team Rocket has a much better routine.
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
TBS: Hey! This is Chase with the dildo that they mentioned earlier!
SAMAS: That's nice. Wake me when I care.
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him)
R.JAK: Lucky b*****d.
[R.JAK coughs for a minute or two, then spits up a giant wad of asterisks.]
R.JAK: FUCK! [pause] Much better.
> I like
> soap operas!
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
EON: Shouldn't Guldo -- oh, I'm sorry, *Goldo* be dead?
SAMAS: If you're going to split hairs, the entire fucking Ginyu Force should be dead, except for Captain Ginyu, who should be a frog. Puff.
R.JAK: Don't think about it. It can only lead to head-explody.
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Recoom will be played by Fighter.
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit, some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch, a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila, a year supply of
> hair care products, the "Pleasure Machine 2000", a
> mastered Shiva materia, the cat, a grenade, a magnet, and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
TBS: --Mum.
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
TBS: Magnet's made of iron, Yuffie made of meat.
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
R.JAK: Look in mirrors much, Cait?
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
EVIL BLACK FURBY: Somebody's baking brownies.
R.JAK: What the--?
TBS: Must have followed me from the apartment.
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
SAMAS: I'm not even going to ask.
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
>
No dude, it's the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
by
>
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan!
TBS <Max>: Does it involve wanton destruction?
SIG <Sam>: We can only hope.
> Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT! They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
R.JAK: Which is why you took it upon yourself to save Zelda five
times, defeat Ganon three times and rescue no less than half a
dozen mystical countries... [grumbles]
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
SAMAS: Well. *She* sure recovered quickly from being *date-raped*!
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
EON <Guard 2>: Now stand there and do nothing like a good
expendable character!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
EON <Professor Treacherous Cockroach>: No, that's just what they'd *expect* me to do.
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
SAMAS: How about Windows or Linux cookies?
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
SIG: They have strict orders to kill anyone who impersonates a
Girl Scout.
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
T.OGRE: Fight choreography by Lex Luger.
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
TBS: Wah! No testicle-kicking!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
>
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle.
TBS <Max>: This place reeks of adventure and excitement, Sam!
SIG <Sam>: I thought it was this tuna fish sandwich I found
crawling with life in my coat pocket.
> Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
EON: At NERV, Ritsuko discovers lobster sticks to magnet.
TBS: [sings] You got a Yuffie and you got a magnet, Yuffie has materia but don't you grab it...
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...and look! The magnet pulled out this pin,
too! Isn't that... uh-oh...
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
TBS <Butt-Head>: Hey Beavis, look -- words.
EON: WOOO!! NUMBERS!!
SAMAS: Conceptual representations of specific amounts of things or
ideas RULE.
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
SIG: Evidently you haven't seen *those* dojinshis...
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
T.OGRE: This fic is reading my mind again.
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself.
EON <singing>: I'm a man of wealth and taste...
> I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
SIG <Zarbon>: Frankly, I think Team Rocket has a much better routine.
EON: ...and yet, the announcer loves it.
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
SAMAS: He's in the restroom, isn't he?
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
TBS: Hey! This is Chase with the dildo that they mentioned earlier!
SAMAS: That's nice. Wake me when I care.
[A loud shattering noise echoes throughout the theatre.]
TBS: What was that?
R.JAK: Oh, just the last few shards of my faith in humanity's
ability to communicate a tale intelligently through the written
word. I'm surprised they lasted this long, actually...
TBS: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought it was something
valuable!
[TBS turns his attention back to the screen while R.JAK glares
daggers at him.]
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him)
R.JAK: Lucky b*****d.
[R.JAK coughs for a minute or two, then spits up a giant wad of asterisks.]
R.JAK: FUCK! [pause] Much better.
> I like
> soap operas!
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
EON, TBS: WHAT??
T.OGRE: THAT'S *IT!!*
[Insert original retribution here. Or delete this entirely. Whatever...]
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
SAMAS: The Dave and Dyne Saga: Starring Solomon Grundy as Chase!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
EON: Shouldn't Guldo -- oh, I'm sorry, *Goldo* be dead?
SAMAS: If you're going to split hairs, the entire fucking Ginyu Force should be dead, except for Captain Ginyu, who should be a frog. Puff.
R.JAK: Don't think about it. It can only lead to head-explody.
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
TBS: Hey, I just realized something... a dildo with that much Destrucity
can only be the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
T.OGRE: The Big Phallic Weapon of Doom?
TBS: No, the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm) It's all in caps
and has a little (tm) at the end.
T.OGRE: ...right.
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Recoom will be played by Fighter.
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
SIG <Scarlet>: ...at censored anime on the Cartoon Network, and
it gets rid of the painted-on bikinis and poor redubbing.
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit, some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch, a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila, a year supply of
> hair care products, the "Pleasure Machine 2000", a
> mastered Shiva materia, the cat, a grenade, a magnet, and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
TBS: I've got one. Who *booked* this crap?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
TBS: --Mum.
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
TBS: Magnet's made of iron, Yuffie made of meat.
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
R.JAK: Look in mirrors much, Cait?
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
EVIL BLACK FURBY: Somebody's baking brownies.
R.JAK: What the--?
TBS: Must have followed me from the apartment.
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
SIG <Recoom>: Wait, there's a winner, and a winner is-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
SAMAS: I'm not even going to ask.
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
>
>
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
TBS <Link>: We can't cross yet!
T.OGRE <Barret>: Why not?
TBS <Link>: There's a bunch of chickens on the road! We have to wait for them to cross first!
<ALL stare at TBS>
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan!
TBS <Max>: Does it involve wanton destruction?
SIG <Sam>: We can only hope.
> Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT! They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
SAMAS <Dav>: You actually say "Oh poopy"? I can no longer be seen with you.
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
R.JAK: Which is why you took it upon yourself to save Zelda five times, defeat Ganon three times and rescue no less than half a dozen mystical countries... [grumbles]
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
SAMAS: Well. *She* sure recovered quickly from being *date-raped*!
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
EON <Guard 2>: Now stand there and do nothing like a good expendable character!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
EON <Professor Treacherous Cockroach>: No, that's just what they'd *expect* me to do.
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
SAMAS: How about Windows or Linux cookies?
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
SIG <Guard 1>: My god! It's a fictional character acting horribily out of character!
EON <Guard 2>: He's right! It's just like he came form my blackest nightmares!
SIG <Guard 1>: I'm cold. Hold me.
EON <Guard 2>: There there, there there.
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
SIG: They have strict orders to kill anyone who impersonates a Girl Scout.
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
T.OGRE: Fight choreography by Lex Luger.
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
TBS: Wah! No testicle-kicking!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
>
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle.
TBS <Max>: This place reeks of adventure and excitement, Sam!
SIG <Sam>: I thought it was this tuna fish sandwich I found crawling with life in my coat pocket.
> Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
SIG: He died, remember?
SAMAS: Try not to remember. It's just too painful.
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
EON: At NERV, Ritsuko discovers lobster sticks to magnet.
TBS: [sings] You got a Yuffie and you got a magnet, Yuffie has materia but don't you grab it...
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...and look! The magnet pulled out this pin, too! Isn't that... uh-oh...
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
TBS <Butt-Head>: Hey Beavis, look -- words.
EON: WOOO!! NUMBERS!!
SAMAS: Conceptual representations of specific amounts of things or ideas RULE.
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
SIG: Evidently you haven't seen *those* dojinshis...
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
T.OGRE: This fic is reading my mind again.
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself.
EON <singing>: I'm a man of wealth and taste...
> I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
SIG <Zarbon>: Frankly, I think Team Rocket has a much better routine.
EON: ...and yet, the announcer loves it.
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
SAMAS: He's in the restroom, isn't he?
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
TBS: Hey! This is Chase with the dildo that they mentioned earlier!
SAMAS: That's nice. Wake me when I care.
[A loud shattering noise echoes throughout the theatre.]
TBS: What was that?
R.JAK: Oh, just the last few shards of my faith in humanity's ability to communicate a tale intelligently through the written word. I'm surprised they lasted this long, actually...
TBS: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought it was something valuable!
[TBS turns his attention back to the screen while R.JAK glares daggers at him.]
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him)
R.JAK: Lucky b*****d.
[R.JAK coughs for a minute or two, then spits up a giant wad of asterisks.]
R.JAK: FUCK! [pause] Much better.
> I like
> soap operas!
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
EON, TBS: WHAT??
T.OGRE: THAT'S *IT!!*
[Insert original retribution here. Or delete this entirely. Whatever...]
[I must be tired, as all I can think up is a double chokeslam. Yep, I'm tired. :( ]
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
SAMAS: The Dave and Dyne Saga: Starring Solomon Grundy as Chase!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
EON: Shouldn't Guldo -- oh, I'm sorry, *Goldo* be dead?
SAMAS: If you're going to split hairs, the entire fucking Ginyu Force should be dead, except for Captain Ginyu, who should be a frog. Puff.
R.JAK: Don't think about it. It can only lead to head-explody.
[My god, what have I done? I unleashed head explody on the masses! ^_^ ]
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
TBS: Hey, I just realized something... a dildo with that much Destrucity can only be the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
T.OGRE: The Big Phallic Weapon of Doom?
TBS: No, the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm) It's all in caps and has a little (tm) at the end.
T.OGRE: ...right.
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Recoom will be played by Fighter.
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
SIG <Scarlet>: ...at censored anime on the Cartoon Network, and it gets rid of the painted-on bikinis and poor redubbing.
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit, some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch, a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila, a year supply of
> hair care products, the "Pleasure Machine 2000", a
> mastered Shiva materia, the cat, a grenade, a magnet, and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
TBS: I've got one. Who *booked* this crap?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
TBS: --Mum.
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
TBS: Magnet's made of iron, Yuffie made of meat.
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
R.JAK: Look in mirrors much, Cait?
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
EVIL BLACK FURBY: Somebody's baking brownies.
R.JAK: What the--?
TBS: Must have followed me from the apartment.
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
SIG <Recoom>: Wait, there's a winner, and a winner is-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
SAMAS: I'm not even going to ask.
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
>
>
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
TBS <Link>: We can't cross yet!
T.OGRE <Barret>: Why not?
TBS <Link>: There's a bunch of chickens on the road! We have to wait for them to cross first!
<ALL stare at TBS>
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan!
TBS <Max>: Does it involve wanton destruction?
SIG <Sam>: We can only hope.
> Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT! They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
SAMAS <Dav>: You actually say "Oh poopy"? I can no longer be seen with you.
SIG <Random Guard>: Hey! We *can* here you from right here!
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
R.JAK: Which is why you took it upon yourself to save Zelda five times, defeat Ganon three times and rescue no less than half a dozen mystical countries... [grumbles]
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
SAMAS: Well. *She* sure recovered quickly from being *date-raped*!
SIG: She'll probably withold the order to make Link an eunuch the moment they return to Hyrule.
[Everyone else flinches.]
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
T.OGRE <Guard 1>: *Nobody* makes Austin refs on *my* shift!
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
EON <Guard 2>: Now stand there and do nothing like a good expendable character!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
EON <Professor Treacherous Cockroach>: No, that's just what they'd *expect* me to do.
SAMAS <Goku>: They're not bugs! They're features.
TBS <Link>: Undocumented Features?
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
SAMAS: How about Windows or Linux cookies?
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
SIG <Guard 1>: My god! It's a fictional character acting horribily out of character!
EON <Guard 2>: He's right! It's just like he came form my blackest nightmares!
SIG <Guard 1>: I'm cold. Hold me.
EON <Guard 2>: There there, there there.
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
SIG: They have strict orders to kill anyone who impersonates a Girl Scout.
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
T.OGRE: Fight choreography by Lex Luger.
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
TBS: Wah! No testicle-kicking!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
>
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle.
TBS <Max>: This place reeks of adventure and excitement, Sam!
SIG <Sam>: I thought it was this tuna fish sandwich I found crawling with life in my coat pocket.
> Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
SIG: He died, remember?
SAMAS: Try not to remember. It's just too painful.
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
EON: At NERV, Ritsuko discovers lobster sticks to magnet.
TBS: [sings] You got a Yuffie and you got a magnet, Yuffie has materia but don't you grab it...
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...and look! The magnet pulled out this pin, too! Isn't that... uh-oh...
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
SIG <Scarlet>: Put on some clothes, and clean up that mangy cat!
[Everyone else retches.]
R.JAK: I never knew you had it in you.
SIG: Me neither. [shudders]
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
TBS <Butt-Head>: Hey Beavis, look -- words.
EON: WOOO!! NUMBERS!!
SAMAS: Conceptual representations of specific amounts of things or ideas RULE.
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
SIG <Scarlet>: Didn't I tell you to clean up--
SAMAS: STOP. THAT.
SIG: ...Sorry, this fic is getting to me.
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
SIG: Evidently you haven't seen *those* dojinshis...
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
T.OGRE: This fic is reading my mind again.
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself.
EON <singing>: I'm a man of wealth and taste...
> I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
SIG <Zarbon>: Frankly, I think Team Rocket has a much better routine.
EON: ...and yet, the announcer loves it.
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
SAMAS: He's in the restroom, isn't he?
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
TBS: Hey! This is Chase with the dildo that they mentioned earlier!
SAMAS: That's nice. Wake me when I care.
[A loud shattering noise echoes throughout the theatre.]
TBS: What was that?
R.JAK: Oh, just the last few shards of my faith in humanity's ability to communicate a tale intelligently through the written word. I'm surprised they lasted this long, actually...
TBS: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought it was something valuable!
[TBS turns his attention back to the screen while R.JAK glares daggers at him.]
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him)
R.JAK: Lucky b*****d.
[R.JAK coughs for a minute or two, then spits up a giant wad of asterisks.]
R.JAK: FUCK! [pause] Much better.
> I like
> soap operas!
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
EON, TBS: WHAT??
T.OGRE: THAT'S *IT!!*
[Insert original retribution here. Or delete this entirely. Whatever...]
[I must be tired, as all I can think up is a double chokeslam. Yep, I'm tired. :( ]
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
SAMAS: The Dave and Dyne Saga: Starring Solomon Grundy as Chase!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
EON: Shouldn't Guldo -- oh, I'm sorry, *Goldo* be dead?
SAMAS: If you're going to split hairs, the entire fucking Ginyu Force should be dead, except for Captain Ginyu, who should be a frog. Puff.
R.JAK: Don't think about it. It can only lead to head-explody.
[My god, what have I done? I unleashed head explody on the masses! ^_^ ]
SIG: They let Vegeta keep the Dragon Balls. What else do you expect?
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
TBS: Hey, I just realized something... a dildo with that much Destrucity can only be the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
T.OGRE: The Big Phallic Weapon of Doom?
TBS: No, the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm) It's all in caps and has a little (tm) at the end.
T.OGRE: ...right.
SIG: Is that like the Megaweapon?
EON: DON'T DISS THE MEGAWEAPON!!!
SIG: Okay, okay...
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Recoom will be played by Fighter.
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
SIG <Scarlet>: ...at censored anime on the Cartoon Network, and it gets rid of the painted-on bikinis and poor redubbing.
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit, some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch, a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila, a year supply of
> hair care products, the "Pleasure Machine 2000", a
> mastered Shiva materia, the cat, a grenade, a magnet, and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
TBS: I've got one. Who *booked* this crap?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
TBS: --Mum.
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
TBS: Magnet's made of iron, Yuffie made of meat.
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
SIG: A true sign of an Evil Overlord. [nods sagely]
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
SIG: Not that it takes any effort to do, mind you.
R.JAK: Look in mirrors much, Cait?
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
EVIL BLACK FURBY: Somebody's baking brownies.
R.JAK: What the--?
TBS: Must have followed me from the apartment.
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
SIG <Recoom>: Wait, there's a winner, and a winner is-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
SIG <Chase>: Oh, and look out for the--
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
SIG <Chase>: Too late. Never mind.
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
SAMAS: I'm not even going to ask.
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
>
TBS <singing>: o/~ Recoom and Chase / climbed down the stairs / to fetch the Dragon Balls! / Racoom fell down / and Chase then frowned / as he smacked Racoom with his dildo! / La la la lala la la / La lala la la la la / La lala lala la la / as he smacked Racoom with his dildo! o/~
[Stunned silence.]
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
TBS <Link>: We can't cross yet!
T.OGRE <Barret>: Why not?
TBS <Link>: There's a bunch of chickens on the road! We have to wait for them to cross first!
R.JAK: Damn chickens.
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan!
TBS <Max>: Does it involve wanton destruction?
SIG <Sam>: We can only hope.
> Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT!
T.OGRE: You mean...GO splat or THEY go...?
SAMAS: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
> They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
SAMAS <Dav>: You actually say "Oh poopy"? I can no longer be seen with you.
SIG <Random Guard>: Hey! We CAN hear you from right here!
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
R.JAK: Which is why you took it upon yourself to save Zelda five times, defeat Ganon three times and rescue no less than half a dozen mystical countries... [grumbles]
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
SAMAS: Well. SHE sure recovered quickly from being date-raped!
SIG: She'll probably withold the order to make Link an eunuch the moment they return to Hyrule.
[Everyone else flinches.]
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
T.OGRE <Guard 1>: Nobody makes Austin refs on MY shift!
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
EON <Guard 2>: Now stand there and do nothing like a good expendable character!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
EON: And make sure you gad about!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
EON <Professor Treacherous Cockroach>: No, that's just what they'd *expect* me to do.
SAMAS <Goku>: They're not bugs! They're features.
TBS <Link>: Undocumented Features?
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
SAMAS: How about Windows or Linux cookies?
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
SIG: That's redundant.
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
R.JAK: Round trip?
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
SIG <Guard 1>: My god! It's a fictional character acting horribily out of character!
EON <Guard 2>: He's right! It's just like he came form my blackest nightmares!
SIG <Guard 1>: I'm cold. Hold me.
EON <Guard 2>: There there, there there.
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
T.OGRE: They have strict orders to kill anyone who impersonates a Girl Scout?
R.JAK: Sometimes...being a Girl Scout is reason enough.
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
T.OGRE: Fight choreography by Lex Luger.
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
TBS: Wah! No testicle-kicking!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
EON: A DBZ character complaining about time. I find this hilarious.
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
>
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle.
TBS <Max>: This place reeks of adventure and excitement, Sam!
SIG <Sam>: I thought it was this tuna fish sandwich I found crawling with life in my coat pocket.
> Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
SIG: He died, remember?
SAMAS: Actually, I'd prefer to choose what I remember or not..
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
EON: At NERV, Ritsuko discovers lobster sticks to magnet.
TBS: [sings] You got a Yuffie and you got a magnet, Yuffie has materia but don't you grab it...
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...and look! The magnet pulled out this pin, too! Isn't that... uh-oh...
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
SIG <Scarlet>: Put on some clothes, and clean up that mangy cat!
[Everyone else retches.]
R.JAK: I never knew you had it in you.
SIG: Me neither. [shudders]
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
TBS <Butt-Head>: Hey Beavis, look -- words.
EON: WOOO!! NUMBERS!!
SAMAS: Conceptual representations of specific amounts of things or ideas RULE.
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
SIG <Scarlet>: Didn't I tell you to clean up--
SAMAS: STOP. THAT.
SIG: ...Sorry, it's just...
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
SIG: Evidently you haven't seen THOSE dojinshis...
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
(ALL pause)
T.OGRE: Rufus had a CAT?
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
R.JAK: Yeah! You should have given Palmer more responsibility, you goddamn hussy!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
TBS: Mystery guest, sign in please!
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself.
EON <singing>: I'm a man of wealth and taste...
> I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
R.JAK: Geez...now these people were dorks when they were in character. I'm not looking forward to this.
SIG <Zarbon>: Frankly, I think Team Rocket has a much better routine.
EON: ...and yet, the announcer loves it.
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
SAMAS: He's in the restroom, isn't he?
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
TBS: Your moves are lame! Get off the stage!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
TBS: Hey! This is Chase with the dildo that they mentioned earlier!
SAMAS: That's nice. Wake me when I care.
[A loud shattering noise echoes throughout the theatre.]
TBS: What was that?
R.JAK: Oh, just the last few shards of my faith in humanity's ability to communicate a tale intelligently through the written word. I'm surprised they lasted this long, actually...
TBS: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought it was something valuable.
R.JAK: Yes. Good thing that.
[Long pause as TBS turns his attention back to the screen while R.JAK glares daggers at him.]
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him)
R.JAK: Lucky b*****d.
[R.JAK coughs for a minute or two, then spits up a giant wad of asterisks.]
R.JAK: FUCK! [pause] Much better.
> I like soap operas!
TBS: Why...who doesn't?
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
SAMAS: Yes! They watch MANLY shows about KNITTING!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
EON, TBS: WHAT??
T.OGRE: THAT'S *IT!!*
[Insert original retribution here. Or delete this entirely. Whatever...]
[I must be tired, as all I can think up is a double chokeslam. Yep, I'm tired. :( ]
[You know...when we run jokes to the ground...we become as worse as the author.
...
...
Just a thought...^_^ -rJ]
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
SIG: If only the Klingons had better anger management theorems.
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
SAMAS: The Dave and Dyne Saga: Starring Solomon Grundy as Chase!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
EON: Shouldn't Guldo -- oh, I'm sorry, *Goldo* be dead?
SAMAS: If you're going to split hairs, the entire fucking Ginyu Force should be dead, except for Captain Ginyu, who should be a frog. Puff.
R.JAK: Don't think about it. It can only lead to head-explody.
[My god, what have I done? I unleashed head explody on the masses! ^_^ ]
SIG: They let Vegeta keep the Dragon Balls. What else do you expect?
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
TBS: Hey, I just realized something... a dildo with that much Destrucity can only be the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
T.OGRE: The Big Phallic Weapon of Doom?
TBS: No, the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm) It's all in caps and has a little (tm) at the end.
T.OGRE: ...right.
SIG: Is that like the Megaweapon?
EON: DON'T DISS THE MEGAWEAPON!!!
SIG: Okay, okay...
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Recoom will be played by Fighter.
R.JAK: ...after he had been forcibly injected estrogen and dressed in form fitting spandex.
EON: Enjoy!
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
SIG <Scarlet>: ...at censored anime on the Cartoon Network, and it gets rid of the painted-on bikinis and poor redubbing.
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
R.JAK: I was a poet. Then I got a gold-painted spoon and quit out of disgust.
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit,
SIG: A couple of wallabies, Coca-Cola memorabilia from the Seventies, A Gary Coleman Bobbing Head Doll...
> some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch,
T.OGRE: Autographed Triple Triad cards of Quistis Trepe and Irvine Kinneas...
EON: A stuffed and mounted Tonberry engaged in mortal combat with a stuffed and mounted moogle...
> a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila,
SAMAS: A two-year subscription to Hsu and Chan's Video Game Computer Programming Weekly.
TBS: Including CD-ROM pictures of scantily clad women disguised as a tutorial.
> a year supply of hair care products,
R.JAK: Supplied by Paul Brown of Hawaii.
> the "Pleasure Machine 2000",
TBS: The severed head of Mike O'Malley.
T.OGRE: Bronzed, of course.
TBS: Of course.
> a mastered Shiva materia,
EON: A mastered Vishnu, Krishna, and Ganesh Materias to complete the set.
> the cat, a grenade, a magnet,
SIG: Scarecrow's brain.
R.JAK: Also bronzed.
SIG: No...pewter. Gives a nicer sheen.
> and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
TBS: I've got one. Who *booked* this crap?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
TBS: --Mum.
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
R.JAK: And that's not including shipping and handling.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
TBS: Magnet's made of iron, Yuffie made of meat.
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
T.OGRE: Ah...the trials of a soap opera addict.
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
SIG: A true sign of an Evil Overlord. [nods sagely]
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
R.JAK <Captain Ginyu>: HEY! That cat flipped me off!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
SIG: Not that it takes any effort to do, mind you.
R.JAK: (flatly) Look in mirrors much, Cait?
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
T.OGRE <Groucho>: Make that THREE hard boiled eggs.
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
EVIL BLACK FURBY: Somebody's baking brownies.
R.JAK: What the--?
TBS: Must have followed me from the apartment.
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
SIG <Recoom>: Wait, there's a winner, and a winner is-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
SIG <Chase>: Oh, and look out for the--
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
SIG <Chase>: Too late. Never mind.
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
SAMAS: I'm not even going to ask.
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
TBS <singing>: o/~ Recoom and Chase / climbed down the stairs / to fetch the Dragon Balls! / Racoom fell down / and Chase then frowned / as he smacked Racoom with his dildo! / La la la lala la la / La lala la la la la / La lala lala la la / as he smacked Racoom with his dildo! o/~
[Stunned silence.]
I don't like soap operas. Does this make me a bad person?
by
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
TBS <Link>: We can't cross yet!
T.OGRE <Barret>: Why not?
TBS <Link>: There's a bunch of chickens on the road! We have to wait for them to cross first!
R.JAK: Damn chickens.
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
EON <Dav>: Hey Link, what about you?
SAMAS <Link>: Well, I WAS going to say I saw a rubber ducky, but I changed my mind.
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan!
TBS <Max>: Does it involve wanton destruction?
SIG <Sam>: We can only hope.
> Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT!
T.OGRE: You mean...GO splat or THEY go...?
SAMAS: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
> They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
SAMAS <Dav>: You actually say "Oh poopy"? I can no longer be seen with you.
SIG <Random Guard>: Hey! We CAN hear you from right here!
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
TBS <Dav>: Because you're delicious and taste good with ketchup! ...Wait, did I say that out loud?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
R.JAK: Which is why you took it upon yourself to save Zelda five times, defeat Ganon three times and rescue no less than half a dozen mystical countries... [grumbles]
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
SAMAS: Well. SHE sure recovered quickly from being date-raped!
SIG: She'll probably withold the order to make Link an eunuch the moment they return to Hyrule.
[Everyone else flinches.]
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
T.OGRE <Guard 1>: Nobody makes Austin refs on MY shift!
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
EON <Guard 2>: Now stand there and do nothing like a good expendable character!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
SIG <Turnbull>: Go?
R.JAK <Seedling>: No.
SIG <Turnbull>: ...Go?
R.JAK <Seedling>: No.
SIG <Turnbull>: ...Now?
R.JAK <Seedling>: Go.
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
EON: And make sure you gad about!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
EON <Professor Treacherous Cockroach>: No, that's just what they'd *expect* me to do.
SAMAS <Goku>: They're not bugs! They're features.
TBS <Link>: Undocumented Features?
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
SAMAS: How about Windows or Linux cookies?
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
SIG <Link>: ...for my characterization! That's it!
T.OGRE <Guard>: Awww, poor girl! Have a tenner.
SIG <Link>: Cool!
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
SIG: That's redundant.
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
R.JAK: Round trip?
SAMAS: It's Spawn and Kain!
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
SIG <Guard 1>: My god! It's a fictional character acting horribily out of character!
EON <Guard 2>: He's right! It's just like he came form my blackest nightmares!
SIG <Guard 1>: I'm cold. Hold me.
EON <Guard 2>: There there, there there.
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
T.OGRE: They have strict orders to kill anyone who impersonates a Girl Scout?
R.JAK: Sometimes...being a Girl Scout is reason enough.
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
T.OGRE: Fight choreography by Lex Luger.
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
TBS: Wah! No testicle-kicking!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
SIG <Cloud>: All right, "Move out or something." How's that?
SAMAS <Cid>: Don't mock me!
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
EON: A DBZ character complaining about time. I find this hilarious.
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
EON: They're his "special" cookies.
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle.
TBS <Max>: This place reeks of adventure and excitement, Sam!
SIG <Sam>: I thought it was this tuna fish sandwich I found crawling with life in my coat pocket.
> Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
SIG: He died, remember?
SAMAS: Actually, I'd prefer to choose what I remember or not..
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
EON: At NERV, Ritsuko discovers lobster sticks to magnet.
TBS: [sings] You got a Yuffie and you got a magnet, Yuffie has materia but don't you grab it...
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...and look! The magnet pulled out this pin, too! Isn't that... uh-oh...
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
SIG <Scarlet>: Put on some clothes, and clean up that mangy cat!
[Everyone else retches.]
R.JAK: I never knew you had it in you.
SIG: Me neither. [shudders]
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
TBS <Butt-Head>: Hey Beavis, look -- words.
EON: WOOO!! NUMBERS!!
SAMAS: Conceptual representations of specific amounts of things or ideas RULE.
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
SIG <Scarlet>: Didn't I tell you to clean up--
SAMAS: STOP. THAT.
SIG: ...Sorry, it's just...
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
T.OGRE: So Scarlet's so lazy of a leader, she has to have others do the hearing for her?
EON <Scarlet>: You guys are my eyes and ears. Literally.
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
SIG: Evidently you haven't seen THOSE dojinshis...
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
(ALL pause)
T.OGRE: Rufus had a CAT?
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: Of course, now that I've told you that, I'm going to have to kill you now.
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
R.JAK: Yeah! You should have given Palmer more responsibility, you goddamn hussy!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
TBS: Mystery guest, sign in please!
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself.
EON <singing>: I'm a man of wealth and taste...
> I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
R.JAK: Geez...now these people were dorks when they were in character. I'm not looking forward to this.
SIG <Zarbon>: Frankly, I think Team Rocket has a much better routine.
EON: ...and yet, the announcer loves it.
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
SAMAS: He's in the restroom, isn't he?
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
EON: As opposed to his elegant, moving dance.
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
TBS: Your moves are lame! Get off the stage!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
TBS: Hey! This is Chase with the dildo that they mentioned earlier!
SAMAS: That's nice. Wake me when I care.
[A loud shattering noise echoes throughout the theatre.]
TBS: What was that?
R.JAK: Oh, just the last few shards of my faith in humanity's ability to communicate a tale intelligently through the written word. I'm surprised they lasted this long, actually...
TBS: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought it was something valuable.
R.JAK: Yes. Good thing that.
[Long pause as TBS turns his attention back to the screen while R.JAK glares daggers at him.]
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him)
R.JAK: Lucky b*****d.
[R.JAK coughs for a minute or two, then spits up a giant wad of asterisks.]
R.JAK: FUCK! [pause] Much better.
> I like soap operas!
TBS: Why...who doesn't?
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
SAMAS: Yes! They watch MANLY shows about KNITTING!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
EON, TBS: WHAT??
T.OGRE: THAT'S *IT!!*
[Insert original retribution here. Or delete this entirely. Whatever...]
[I must be tired, as all I can think up is a double chokeslam. Yep, I'm tired. :( ]
[You know...when we run jokes to the ground...we become as worse as the author.
...
...
Just a thought...^_^ -rJ]
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
SIG: If only the Klingons had better anger management theorems.
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
SAMAS: The Dave and Dyne Saga: Starring Solomon Grundy as Chase!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
EON: Shouldn't Guldo -- oh, I'm sorry, *Goldo* be dead?
SAMAS: If you're going to split hairs, the entire fucking Ginyu Force should be dead, except for Captain Ginyu, who should be a frog. Puff.
R.JAK: Don't think about it. It can only lead to head-explody.
[My god, what have I done? I unleashed head explody on the masses! ^_^ ]
SIG: They let Vegeta keep the Dragon Balls. What else do you expect?
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
TBS: Hey, I just realized something... a dildo with that much Destrucity can only be the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
T.OGRE: The Big Phallic Weapon of Doom?
TBS: No, the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm) It's all in caps and has a little (tm) at the end.
T.OGRE: ...right.
SIG: Is that like the Megaweapon?
EON: DON'T DISS THE MEGAWEAPON!!!
SIG: Okay, okay...
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Recoom will be played by Fighter.
R.JAK: ...after he had been forcibly injected estrogen and dressed in form fitting spandex.
EON: Enjoy!
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
SIG <Scarlet>: ...at censored anime on the Cartoon Network, and it gets rid of the painted-on bikinis and poor redubbing.
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
R.JAK: I was a poet. Then I got a gold-painted spoon and quit out of disgust.
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit,
SIG: A couple of wallabies, Coca-Cola memorabilia from the Seventies, A Gary Coleman Bobbing Head Doll...
> some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch,
T.OGRE: Autographed Triple Triad cards of Quistis Trepe and Irvine Kinneas...
EON: A stuffed and mounted Tonberry engaged in mortal combat with a stuffed and mounted moogle...
> a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila,
SAMAS: A two-year subscription to Hsu and Chan's Video Game Computer Programming Weekly.
TBS: Including CD-ROM pictures of scantily clad women disguised as a tutorial.
> a year supply of hair care products,
R.JAK: Supplied by Paul Brown of Hawaii.
> the "Pleasure Machine 2000",
TBS: The severed head of Mike O'Malley.
T.OGRE: Bronzed, of course.
TBS: Of course.
> a mastered Shiva materia,
EON: A mastered Vishnu, Krishna, and Ganesh Materias to complete the set.
> the cat, a grenade, a magnet,
SIG: Scarecrow's brain.
R.JAK: Also bronzed.
SIG: No...pewter. Gives a nicer sheen.
> and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
TBS: I've got one. Who *booked* this crap?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
EON <Scarlet>: I watch meaningful dramas based upon real situations featuring likably flawed charaters in a deeply fleshed out world! It's a nice escape from this one!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
TBS: --Mum.
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
R.JAK: And that's not including shipping and handling.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
TBS: Magnet's made of iron, Yuffie made of meat.
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
T.OGRE: Ah...the trials of a soap opera addict.
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
SIG: A true sign of an Evil Overlord. [nods sagely]
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
R.JAK <Captain Ginyu>: HEY! That cat flipped me off!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
SAMAS: Fear his Aura of Recoom! (tm)
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
SIG: Not that it takes any effort to do, mind you.
R.JAK: (flatly) Look in mirrors much, Cait?
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
T.OGRE <Groucho>: Make that THREE hard boiled eggs.
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
EVIL BLACK FURBY: Somebody's baking brownies.
R.JAK: What the--?
TBS: Must have followed me from the apartment.
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
SIG <Recoom>: Wait, there's a winner, and a winner is-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
SIG <Chase>: Oh, and look out for the--
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
SIG <Chase>: Too late. Never mind.
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
SAMAS: I'm not even going to ask.
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
TBS <singing>: o/~ Recoom and Chase / climbed down the stairs / to fetch the Dragon Balls! / Racoom fell down / and Chase then frowned / as he smacked Racoom with his dildo! / La la la lala la la / La lala la la la la / La lala lala la la / as he smacked Racoom with his dildo! o/~
[Stunned silence.]
> Zelda: The road should be there now so let's cross and
> finish what we came to do!
TBS <Link>: We can't cross yet!
T.OGRE <Barret>: Why not?
TBS <Link>: There's a bunch of chickens on the road! We have to wait for them to cross first!
R.JAK: Damn chickens.
> Tifa: I see the road...
> Dav: And I see two Gerudo guards guarding the entrance!!!!
EON <Dav>: Hey Link, what about you?
SAMAS <Link>: Well, I WAS going to say I saw a rubber ducky, but I changed my mind.
> Link: CRAP!!!! What do we do?
> Cloud: I have a plan!
TBS <Max>: Does it involve wanton destruction?
SIG <Sam>: We can only hope.
> Dav and I will be on either side of
> these rocks. Link, you go on Rainbow Bridge and lure the
> guards out here. When you do, SPLAT!
T.OGRE: You mean...GO splat or THEY go...?
SAMAS: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
> They'll be gone
> before they can say "Oh poopy"!
SAMAS <Dav>: You actually say "Oh poopy"? I can no longer be seen with you.
SIG <Random Guard>: Hey! We CAN hear you from right here!
> Link: Okay but... hey!!! Why do I have to be the bait?
TBS <Dav>: Because you're delicious and taste good with ketchup! ...Wait, did I say that out loud?
> Cid: If you wanna be a hero kid now's your chance to prove
> yourself!
> Link: This hero thing sucks @$$!!!
R.JAK: Which is why you took it upon yourself to save Zelda five times, defeat Ganon three times and rescue no less than half a dozen mystical countries... [grumbles]
> Cid: Hey, s**t happens!
> Zelda: Link, if you do this favor, I'll...you know...
SAMAS: Well. SHE sure recovered quickly from being date-raped!
SIG: She'll probably withold the order to make Link an eunuch the moment they return to Hyrule.
[Everyone else flinches.]
> Link: HELL YA!!!!!
> Guard 1: What the hell was that!?!?
T.OGRE <Guard 1>: Nobody makes Austin refs on MY shift!
> Link: Oh s**t!!
> Guard 2: Probably just a peacock or something. Don't let
> it distract you from your duty as a Gerudo guard!
EON <Guard 2>: Now stand there and do nothing like a good expendable character!
> Guard 1: Yes ma'am!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: Quiet down you little prick! You almost got us
> seen!
> Link: Sorry...
> Dav: You ready Link?
> Link: No...
SIG <Turnbull>: Go?
R.JAK <Seedling>: No.
SIG <Turnbull>: ...Go?
R.JAK <Seedling>: No.
SIG <Turnbull>: ...Now?
R.JAK <Seedling>: Go.
> Goku: Too bad! Now here, take these girl scout cookies I
> took from a dead Gerudo. Make it look like your selling
> them!
EON: And make sure you gad about!
> Link: (looks inside the box) No way! There's a cockroach
> in here!
EON <Professor Treacherous Cockroach>: No, that's just what they'd *expect* me to do.
SAMAS <Goku>: They're not bugs! They're features.
TBS <Link>: Undocumented Features?
> Cloud: Just get your sorry @$$ moving on that bridge!
> Link: Dammit!!!! (walks onto the bridge)
> Barret: Whatta foo'! He couldn't foo' nobody wit' dos'
> cookies!
SAMAS: How about Windows or Linux cookies?
> Tifa: Quiet! Your gonna give us away!
> Guard 1: You there! Stop! Who are you!?!? You have no
> business here!!
> Link: (in a girl voice) Hi ladies! I'm selling this box of
> girl scout cookies to raise money for my... uh... for
> my...
SIG <Link>: ...for my characterization! That's it!
T.OGRE <Guard>: Awww, poor girl! Have a tenner.
SIG <Link>: Cool!
> Dav: (whispers) Stupid retarded mother who is mentally
> ill!
SIG: That's redundant.
> Link: Yeah that's it! For my stupid retarded mother...
> HEY!!!
> Dav and Cloud: (snickering)
> Guard 2: We're not interested now scram!
> Guard 1: Wait! I am kind of hungry! I'll by the box! How
> much?
> Link: Uh...
> Cloud: 2 Rupees, plus a free ticket to hell!
> Link: 2 Rupees plus you get a bonus prize, a free first
> class ticket to hell!!
R.JAK: Round trip?
SAMAS: It's Spawn and Kain!
> Guard 1: Cool! It's a deal!
> Link: Here you go then! Oh and I'm not really a girl scout
> cookie seller. I am Link, your worst nightmare! Nah nah
> nah nah nah nah nah! (runs toward Cloud and Dav)
SIG <Guard 1>: My god! It's a fictional character acting horribily out of character!
EON <Guard 2>: He's right! It's just like he came form my blackest nightmares!
SIG <Guard 1>: I'm cold. Hold me.
EON <Guard 2>: There there, there there.
> Guard 2: An imposter! Get him!
T.OGRE: They have strict orders to kill anyone who impersonates a Girl Scout?
R.JAK: Sometimes...being a Girl Scout is reason enough.
> Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (dives behind a rock)
> Guard 1: He dove behind that rock!
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock! (elbows the guard in the face)
T.OGRE: Fight choreography by Lex Luger.
> Guard 2: What the...!?!?!?
> Dav: (elbows the other guard in the face) That'll teach
> them to mess with us!!
TBS: Wah! No testicle-kicking!
> Vegeta: All right, we did it! Now let's storm the castle
> and get my dragonballs back!
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey...
> Cid: Damn again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't you say
> "Move out" or something!?!?
SIG <Cloud>: All right, "Move out or something." How's that?
SAMAS <Cid>: Don't mock me!
> Cloud: Why the hell do you always complain about what I
> say!?!?
> Cid: 'Cause your sayin' it like a wimp!!
> Goku: We don't have time for this you two!!!!!!
EON: A DBZ character complaining about time. I find this hilarious.
> Tifa: He's right you know! We have a mission to complete!
> Cloud: Right! Let's go!
> Cid: (looks back and sees the cookies) Whoa! They left the
> cookies behind! I'll take these in case I get hungry!
> (picks up the bag of cookies and follows the rest of the
> team into the castle)
EON: They're his "special" cookies.
> AVALANCHE and crew run across the rainbow bridge and into
> Ganon's Castle.
TBS <Max>: This place reeks of adventure and excitement, Sam!
SIG <Sam>: I thought it was this tuna fish sandwich I found crawling with life in my coat pocket.
> Meanwhile, in the room with the boss key
> in it...
>
> Scarlet: He's late! Where is Ganondorf!?!?
SIG: He died, remember?
SAMAS: Actually, I'd prefer to choose what I remember or not..
> Yuffie: (playing with a magnet and a grenade) Magnet
> sticks on! Magnet sticks off! Magnet sticks on! Magnet
> sticks off! Hey, Scarlet, look! The magnet sticks to the
> grenade! Pretty cool huh?
EON: At NERV, Ritsuko discovers lobster sticks to magnet.
TBS: [sings] You got a Yuffie and you got a magnet, Yuffie has materia but don't you grab it...
SAMAS <Yuffie>: ...and look! The magnet pulled out this pin, too! Isn't that... uh-oh...
> Cait Sith: (tied up in chains) It took you this long to
> figure that out!?!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Shut up!
> Scarlet: Stop playing with the merchandise!!!
SIG <Scarlet>: Put on some clothes, and clean up that mangy cat!
[Everyone else retches.]
R.JAK: I never knew you had it in you.
SIG: Me neither. [shudders]
> Yuffie: Ah crap! (puts the magnet and grenade in her
> pocket)
> Scarlet: Yuffie, I gonna ask you something.
> Yuffie: What? (starts playing with a scouter) Hey!
> Numbers! Numbers are cool!
TBS <Butt-Head>: Hey Beavis, look -- words.
EON: WOOO!! NUMBERS!!
SAMAS: Conceptual representations of specific amounts of things or ideas RULE.
> Scarlet: I said stop playing with the merchandise!
SIG <Scarlet>: Didn't I tell you to clean up--
SAMAS: STOP. THAT.
SIG: ...Sorry, it's just...
> Yuffie: I can't ANY freedom can I?
> Scarlet: Would you shut up and listen to me!?!?!? Alright,
> Yuffie, I've been heard a rumor that Nabooru was planning
> a rebellion against me. Is this true?
T.OGRE: So Scarlet's so lazy of a leader, she has to have others do the hearing for her?
EON <Scarlet>: You guys are my eyes and ears. Literally.
> Cait Sith: Yeah Materia b***h! Please do tell your whore
> leader here the truth!
> Scarlet: Shut up you Shinra traitor!!!!!! At least I've
> HAD sex, unlike you!
SIG: Evidently you haven't seen THOSE dojinshis...
> Cait Sith: You never were much of a "pleasure machine"
> that Rufus said you were! In fact, he said you once
> sprayed it all over his cat and it took a month to get the
> stickiness out!
(ALL pause)
T.OGRE: Rufus had a CAT?
> Yuffie: Eeeeewwwwww! GROSS-NESS!
> Scarlet: How did you know about that, cat!?!?!?
> Cait Sith: I already told you, Rufus told me. Plus, I AM a
> spy you know!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: Of course, now that I've told you that, I'm going to have to kill you now.
> Scarlet: We should have never put you in charge of the spy
> department!
R.JAK: Yeah! You should have given Palmer more responsibility, you goddamn hussy!
> Cait Sith: Hey, s**t happens!
> Scarlet: I shall terminate you cat!
> Cait Sith: Oh s**t!!!
> (Scarlet is about to strike Cait Sith when someone stops
> her)
> Voice: Stop! What do you think your doing to my
> merchandise!?!?
TBS: Mystery guest, sign in please!
> Scarlet: YOUR merchandise!?!?!?
> Yuffie: Wh...wh...who... are you!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: (of the Ginyu Force, also from Dragon Ball
> Z) Allow me to introduce myself.
EON <singing>: I'm a man of wealth and taste...
> I am Captain Ginyu, of
> the famous squadron known as the (Recoom and Chase, two
> other members of the Ginyu Force, appear behind Captain
> Ginyu)
> Recoom, Captain Ginyu and Chase: THE GINYU FORCE! (they do
> their gay @$$ dance)
R.JAK: Geez...now these people were dorks when they were in character. I'm not looking forward to this.
SIG <Zarbon>: Frankly, I think Team Rocket has a much better routine.
EON: ...and yet, the announcer loves it.
> Scarlet: ... Where's Ganondorf!?!?
> Captain Ginyu: Ganondorf had... other matters to attend to
> so he won't be joining us!
SAMAS: He's in the restroom, isn't he?
> Yuffie: ... the magnet sticks to the grenade!
> Chase: I am Chase! (does his gay @$$ dance)
> Recoom: My name's Recoom! (does his stupid retarded dance)
EON: As opposed to his elegant, moving dance.
> Cait Sith: What s**tty dancing!
TBS: Your moves are lame! Get off the stage!
> Chase: Hey! That toy cat can talk!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!!
> Chase: Don't talk to me cat or you'll feel the wrong end
> of my secret weapon... the dildo! (pulls out his giant
> dildo)
TBS: Hey! This is Chase with the dildo that they mentioned earlier!
SAMAS: That's nice. Wake me when I care.
[A loud shattering noise echoes throughout the theatre.]
TBS: What was that?
R.JAK: Oh, just the last few shards of my faith in humanity's ability to communicate a tale intelligently through the written word. I'm surprised they lasted this long, actually...
TBS: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought it was something valuable.
R.JAK: Yes. Good thing that.
[Long pause as TBS turns his attention back to the screen while R.JAK glares daggers at him.]
> Cait Sith: Ah s**t! I'm blind again!
> Recoom: (ignoring the B.S. going on behind him)
R.JAK: Lucky b*****d.
[R.JAK coughs for a minute or two, then spits up a giant wad of asterisks.]
R.JAK: FUCK! [pause] Much better.
> I like soap operas!
TBS: Why...who doesn't?
> Cait Sith: Men don't watch soap operas you faggit!
SAMAS: Yes! They watch MANLY shows about KNITTING!
> Recoom: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say! (starts
> charging at Cait Sith)
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
> Captain Ginyu: Hold it, Recoom! Your forgetting
> something...
> Recoom: Uh what?
EON, TBS: WH-
T.OGRE: You know, that's become a lame running joke.
EON: It has?
T.OGRE: Yes, it has. You know who else makes lame running jokes?
TBS: Who else?
T.OGRE: The author. So when *you* do one, you're that much closer to the author.
[A beat.]
EON, TBS: AAAAAHHHH!!!
[T.OGRE leans back in his chair, looking extremely self-satisfied.]
[Insert original retribution here. Or delete this entirely. Whatever...]
[I must be tired, as all I can think up is a double chokeslam. Yep, I'm tired. :( ]
[You know...when we run jokes to the ground...we become as worse as the author.
...
...
Just a thought...^_^ -rJ]
[Good idea, rJak! Lets take it... and BETTERIZE it! -RoP]
> Captain Ginyu: That toy cat is part of the goods we're
> buying! Don't destroy it no matter how much it pisses you
> off!
> Recoom: Oh all right. But when we buy it, can I use it as
> my stuffed animal?
> Captain Ginyu: Do what ever you want!
> Recoom: Yeah! I've always wanted a stuffed animal to
> squeeze when I'm mad!
SIG: If only the Klingons had better anger management theorems.
> Cait Sith: Oh.........crud......
> Chase: Whahahahahahahahahaha!! (smashes the table)
SAMAS: The Dave and Dyne Saga: Starring Solomon Grundy as Chase!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Enough! We have technology to
> purchase!
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: You can smash Goldo's Ricky Martin CDs when we get
> back to base!
EON: Shouldn't Guldo -- oh, I'm sorry, *Goldo* be dead?
SAMAS: If you're going to split hairs, the entire fucking Ginyu Force should be dead, except for Captain Ginyu, who should be a frog. Puff.
R.JAK: Don't think about it. It can only lead to head-explody.
[My god, what have I done? I unleashed head explody on the masses! ^_^ ]
SIG: They let Vegeta keep the Dragon Balls. What else do you expect?
> Chase: Sweet! (swings his dildo around and smacks Cait
> Sith into a wall)
TBS: Hey, I just realized something... a dildo with that much Destrucity can only be the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm)
T.OGRE: The Big Phallic Weapon of Doom?
TBS: No, the BIG PHALLIC WEAPON OF DOOM!! (tm) It's all in caps and has a little (tm) at the end.
T.OGRE: ...right.
SIG: Is that like the Megaweapon?
EON: DON'T DISS THE MEGAWEAPON!!!
SIG: Okay, okay...
> Cait Sith: Goddamn it!
> Captain Ginyu: Chase! Watch where swing that! You could
> have damaged the cat!
> Chase: So?
> Captain Ginyu: So, if we damage him they may charge extra!
> Scarlet and Yuffie: Mmmmm...
> Chase: Sorry...
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Recoom will be played by Fighter.
R.JAK: ...after he had been forcibly injected estrogen and dressed in form fitting spandex.
EON: Enjoy!
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up! Anyway, so what do you have for us
> to purchase?
> Scarlet: First off we have these brand new things that my
> fellow stealer, Yuffie, stole from her friends! You put
> them over your ear and look...
SIG <Scarlet>: ...at censored anime on the Cartoon Network, and it gets rid of the painted-on bikinis and poor redubbing.
> Chase: Some new scouters! We need some!
> Scarlet: Your familiar with such devices?
> Recoom: I had a scouter and I broke it and I became a
> pouter!
> Chase: Shut up, pee brain!
> Cait Sith: This guy thinks he's a poet!
R.JAK: I was a poet. Then I got a gold-painted spoon and quit out of disgust.
> Captain Ginyu: What else do you have?
> Scarlet: We have a spear, a vaccine for rabies, a silicon
> implant care kit,
SIG: A couple of wallabies, Coca-Cola memorabilia from the Seventies, A Gary Coleman Bobbing Head Doll...
> some classic episodes of the Dukes of
> Hazards, a gold watch,
T.OGRE: Autographed Triple Triad cards of Quistis Trepe and Irvine Kinneas...
EON: A stuffed and mounted Tonberry engaged in mortal combat with a stuffed and mounted moogle...
> a cassette tape on how to talk like
> Mr. T., three dozen bottles of tequila,
SAMAS: A two-year subscription to Hsu and Chan's Video Game Computer Programming Weekly.
TBS: Including CD-ROM pictures of scantily clad women disguised as a tutorial.
> a year supply of hair care products,
R.JAK: Supplied by Paul Brown of Hawaii.
> the "Pleasure Machine 2000",
TBS: The severed head of Mike O'Malley.
T.OGRE: Bronzed, of course.
TBS: Of course.
> a mastered Shiva materia,
EON: A mastered Vishnu, Krishna, and Ganesh Materias to complete the set.
> the cat, a grenade, a magnet,
SIG: Scarecrow's brain.
R.JAK: Also bronzed.
SIG: No...pewter. Gives a nicer sheen.
> and,
> of course, the seven dragon balls of Earth! Any
> intelligent questions?
TBS: I've got one. Who *booked* this crap?
> Recoom: Yeah, I have one.
> Scarlet: What?
> Recoom: Do you like soap operas?
> Scarlet: I don't watch that trash on TV!!!!!!! It totally
> sucks!
EON <Scarlet>: I watch meaningful dramas based upon real situations featuring likably flawed charaters in a deeply fleshed out world! It's a nice escape from this one!
> Recoom: I like soap operas!
> Scarlet: Good for you!
TBS: --Mum.
> Chase: Shut up, Recoom!
> Captain Ginyu: ENOUGH!!!!!! Where are the dragon balls?
> Scarlet: There in the water section of this castle.
> Captain Ginyu: How much will this cost?
> Scarlet: Well, considering if everything was okay I'd say
> about 500 Rupees.
R.JAK: And that's not including shipping and handling.
> Chase: 500!?!?!? You gotta be s**ting me!
> Scarlet: But because you damaged the cat the price is now
> 1500 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: That's a rip off! We won't pay 1 Rupee of
> it!
> Yuffie: Not even for this magnet and grenade?
TBS: Magnet's made of iron, Yuffie made of meat.
> Chase: What do you think we are, stupid?
> Cait Sith: Yeah...
> Chase: Shut up, cat or you'll feel the wrath of my dildo!
> Cait Sith: Yuck! It has Scarlet fluid on it!
> Yuffie: Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
> Captain Ginyu: Quiet! All of you!
> Recoom: Why? Is there a soap opera on?
> Captain Ginyu: That's it! No TV for a week!
> Recoom: Ah but, boss, that's not fair!
T.OGRE: Ah...the trials of a soap opera addict.
> Chase: Being a Ginyu member isn't fair most of the time
> either but you don't seem to complain about that!
> Recoom: It's because I get free cable!
SIG: A true sign of an Evil Overlord. [nods sagely]
> Cait Sith: You mean life as a jack@$$ isn't fair and you
> don't complain about it?
> Recoom: Nope!
> Captain Ginyu: That cat as a lot of nerve talking like
> that to us!!!
R.JAK <Captain Ginyu>: HEY! That cat flipped me off!
> Scarlet: Just ignore him! He's always like this!
> Chase: Let's kick his @$$ boss!
> Recoom: Yeah! Let's make him watch soap operas for a year!
> Captain Ginyu: Remind me to emit you at Rehab when this
> job is done, Recoom.
SAMAS: Fear his Aura of Recoom! (tm)
> Recoom: Oh, okay!
> Cait Sith: (thinking to himself) These guys are so stupid
> they even make Yuffie look smart!
SIG: Not that it takes any effort to do, mind you.
R.JAK: (flatly) Look in mirrors much, Cait?
> Scarlet: Listen! When you purchase the cat you can beat
> the s**t out of him as much as you want but not until
> then! I want 1500 Rupees for this stuff!
> Captain Ginyu: 250 Rupees!
> Scarlet: 250!?!?!? All of this stuff is worth at LEAST
> twice as much, if not, more! 1400 Rupees!
> Captain Ginyu: 400 Rupees!
> Recoom: (farts)
T.OGRE <Groucho>: Make that THREE hard boiled eggs.
> Chase: Ah s**t, Recoom, did you fart!?!?
> Recoom: I don't fart! I watch soap operas!
> Hahahahahahahahaha! (farts again)
EVIL BLACK FURBY: Somebody's baking brownies.
R.JAK: What the--?
TBS: Must have followed me from the apartment.
> Chase: Dammit Recoom!! You're not getting anymore chili
> either!
> Recoom: That's my favorite food! (lets a loud, sloppy
> fart)
> Chase: Ah! Christ!
> Captain Ginyu: Both of you, shut up! Now go and get the
> dragon balls from the water section of this castle!
> Chase: Yes sir! (picks up his dildo)
> Recoom: (picking his nose) Hold on a minute! I'm trying to
> pick a winner here!
SIG <Recoom>: Wait, there's a winner, and a winner is-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Captain Ginyu: I said go get them, NOW!
> Recoom: Uh... okay... but can I have my TV privileges
> back?
> Captain Ginyu: UURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
> Recoom: I'll go now! (follows Chase down to the base of
> the tower)
> (on the stairs)
> Chase: Hurry up, slow poke! We don't have all day!
SIG <Chase>: Oh, and look out for the--
> Recoom: I'm coming! I'm coming! Just hold on a...
> WAHHHHHH! (tumbles down the stairs)
SIG <Chase>: Too late. Never mind.
> Chase: Damn! This is the eighth time you've fallen down
> stairs this week!
> Recoom: My feet are slick!
SAMAS: I'm not even going to ask.
> Chase: That's a piss poor excuse, bucko! (smacks Recoom
> over the head with his dildo)
> Recoom: That hurt, Chase!
> Chase: Too bad! Now you heard the boss. We need to get the
> dragon balls from the water section so stop farting around
> and let's go!!!!!!
>
> Recoom and Chase continue down the stairs...
TBS <singing>: o/~ Recoom and Chase / climbed down the stairs / to fetch the Dragon Balls! / Racoom fell down / and Chase then frowned / as he smacked Racoom with his dildo! / La la la lala la la / La lala la la la la / La lala lala la la / as he smacked Racoom with his dildo! o/~
[Stunned silence.]
... it's a case, in my opinion, of a teenaged fanboy with an immature sense of humor who seems to have decided that shows like South Park were funny because of the gratuitous swearing and violence and not because of the subtle social satire enclosed within each of them.
Like I said, though, that's just my opinion.
Dragomorph
"Actually, the scary thing is that he seems to regard it as a work of art. O_o"
That's what I get for not hitting "Refresh" more often
by
Yeah, it's impressive. I was particularly impressed by the cold-blooded theft from at least one Brosnan-era Bond film. And the way he manages to all but scream "Rally Vincent" in our ears without actually calling her by name.
<< Are we going to hit it? (Or wait for 6, or...) >>
I'd favor waiting for 06, but making mention of 05's existence. Of course, if 06 comes out before we get to 05, then the two of them immediately go onto the queue, but two chapters' worth of Eyrie at a time is plenty, I'd say.
Austin, and good day.
(Because "Fall of the Malakim" establishes that Self-Indulgence is under Gluttony, that's why.)
The good part is, this is a less-self-promoting chapter. Gryphon starts the chapter having had the crap kicked out of him, and then gets into an adventure involving, for the most part, original characters, and his supporting cast isn't quite as dependent on him. He writes Sakura very well, for the most part. Plus, hey, actual conflict near the end there.
Still, there's Hutchins Chutzpah™ to be had here. Sakura's now his student (which means she'll be a master of Ler Drit the moment she kicks Gryphon awake in the morning), he tosses in a few more unnecessary crossovers (Crazy Taxi, Gunsmith Cats, and I'm almost positive he swiped Gryphon's car garage lock, stock, and tomahawk from Clive Cussler), and Gryphon can still do no wrong. I'm pretty sure we could MiST it.
I'll agree with Austin and Shady, though: wait 'til 6 before we hit 5. Two chapters of Hutchins at a time is damn well enough.
<< Still, there's Hutchins Chutzpah™ to be had here. Sakura's now his student (which means she'll be a master of Ler Drit the moment she kicks Gryphon awake in the morning), >>
...dude, when Racey sees that, he's going to have 12 kittens and a biplane. In, as Jan would say, an enclosed envelope.
<< he tosses in a few more unnecessary crossovers (Crazy Taxi, >>
Jeez, I completely missed that.
<< Gunsmith Cats, >>
Now that, I got. As I at least meant to say, even though he carefully avoided using Rally's name, he was about as subtle as a flying mallet when it came to dropping clues.
<< and I'm almost positive he swiped Gryphon's car garage lock, stock, and tomahawk from Clive Cussler), >>
I'll take your word for it. I haven't read enough Cussler to say one way or the other.
<< and Gryphon can still do no wrong. I'm pretty sure we could MiST it. >>
It'd been so long, I'd almost forgotten abut two distinct effects that reading an Eyrie fic alwas has on me:
1) I am fighting to stay awake during every sentence. This(these) dude(s) ramble(s) on forever. And ever. And ever...
2) There is always, ALWAYS something in there that makes me get damn near *angry* in what is otherwise just a harmless little piece of fluff. Today's "somethings": Ryu's reaction to the news that Sakura was around (has this man even *played* Alpha 3? Come on.) and... (strains to get it out) the fact that Sakura's apprenticeship was *her own decision*.
Oh my God. My eyes bugged out when I read the "Hai, Gryphon-sensei!" And whoa, look at this, Sakky and our little heroboy share such a core common interest.
Way to *go*, Hutchins. I've got to give it to you: you don't self-insert in the same inane way that most folks like Ryoga or Dave&Dyne do... on, no. When you masturbate through *your* prose, you do it with *class*. And without the tissue of weak justification that most (futilely) use to clean up afterwards. No, no, you just *roll around in it*! WONDERFUL! Why didn't *I* think of that?
(rant mode off)
I think I'm going to take a nap now. If I say anything more, I'll probably be told to "get a life" or something.
-Racewing
If I have to suffer through Sakura "popping the question" to Gryphon, I'm taking the next flight to Worchester. It's not that far...
<< I'll probably be told to "get a life" or something.
>>
No, reserve that epithet for the guy who thought "Transbelvia" sounded familiar and decided to see (on Google Groups) whence Griffy ganked it.
Turns out to be from a couple different Bat-family books. The Huntress (pre- or post-Crisis wasn't clear from the message I read) got into a bit of Balkan fun involving Transbelvia and its neighbor Krasna-Volny; the other message that mentioned the place said that Robin (Tim Drake) once faced a young Transbelvian martial-arts prodigy who was collecting every single-blow finishing technique known to DCU martial artists.
So a riff already suggests itself for when (and if) we get to Battle 05, and if nobody else uses it, I will:
[somebody]: "Transbelvia"? Is that anywhere near Ruritania?
[somebody else]: Or Latveria? Or Symkaria?
[somebody else entirely]: Or Sylgravia and Borduria?
[yet another]: I say it's over the border from Markovia.
[sound of crickets chirping] Okay, maybe not that clever. Or maybe *too* clever, I dunno.
<< Of course, I rooted for the Doom Foundation back in the day, but still.... >>
'Sokay. It's why I asked; I was fully aware I might be milking the joke too hard. Latveria it is (at least if I'm the one who ends up writing the riff).
Out of curiosity, though: who here recognizes all the nations cited in the full version?
Ruritania: wasn't that the made-up country? I seem to remember an email forward going around about it, or something similar.
Latveria: Dr. Doom. Nuff said.
Symkaria: home of the Silver Sable, that chick Spider Man is occasionally seen with.
"Sylgravia and Borduria" come from the comic Tintin, although I think the first name was actually spelled "Syldavia" in that comic. (Syldavia, by the way, was the first nation to send a rocket to the moon in that comic as well.)
From an update to Eyrie's What's New page, date-stamped today:
"Sometimes dormant projects come back to life when you least expect them to; this time it's Street Fighter: Warrior's Legacy's turn. Here's Battle 05: Just Another Weekend on the Job."
More cold-blooded theft from Brosnan-era Bond films, a half-assed attempt at *explaining* why the boys aren't facing any legal fallout from the Great Plane Robbery, Barbara Mawdsley takes over (off-camera) from Miles Messervy, Gryph *oh-so-casually* mentions that a certain Chicago bounty hunter/gunsmith (who shall remain nameless but shall be name-dropped nonetheless) provides him and Zoner with small arms (and taught them everything she knows about how to conduct yourself in a car chase)... I probably could've just said "It's Eyrie" and left it at that, actually. Anyway, I've given you fair-warning.
Austin, and good day.
(Because "Fall of the Malakim" establishes that Self-Indulgence is under Gluttony, that's why.)
First of all, I see that you all have great points.
But I want to get it clear that I meant Quasispace no offense. I'm sorry for any misunderstanding.
Also, it wasn't like I was planning to do a small part, get my "credit," and leave. Fuck. You guys really need to relax on how you judge people. I actually WANTED to do other stuff rather than just ditch it, but I figured that since you wouldn't want me now, YOU guys would want me to leave anyway, rather than stick around.
I HAVE read the fucking style guide, and I HAVE read your fucking mists. I admit! I'm a newbie! FINE! Laugh all you want. You don't want me here, and I'm sorry for making such a big mistake in even trying to join with you.
Asswholes? Jackasses? Fine. I see I don't have to be SO damn respectful around here. I only asked for the taming of language because I was told to be mature during message posting, but to be insane in misting. Fine. I guess it doesn't really matter (Shade, ahem, ahem).
I would back up and try to start over, but you guys don't even fucking care. Fine. I understand. I'll try and stay away from you guys. Won't even give me a fucking chance.
By the way, Mark, thanks for being a nice guy. At least I met SOMEONE who wasn't a total asswhole. ^_^
What was supposed to be an innocent request from my brother, escalated into something unecessary. For the love of God, the rest of you guys PLEASE don't respond. Yung-I is the kind of person who doesn't let go if YOU don't, and he will respond. That may not seem like a big deal (and is shouldn't), but for the interests of time, Wilde, please delete all his posts. After all, I'm willing to bet that this will get even more out of hand with the vengeful muthas willing to respond with flames, just as Yung-I will bitch back. Whichever admins (I'm too lazy to check) see this message first, please fulfill my request.
For the rest of you, please keep silent, and let it pass. Besides, this is a MiSTing forum, not the first Ballad.
Those of you on the first Ballad who know about the Starflower/Contra identity conflicts, keep your mouth shut and don't accuse me of posing as my brother. I had the newbie talk with Wilde a long time ago.
[ADMIN] Hey, why don't you tell us what to do again? I like that!
by Wanderer
Seriously, though.
Yung. That uncomfortable sensation you feel at the back of your throat is your foot pressing against your tonsils, and with every post of yours I've seen, you're pushing it further in. Shut up, sit down, take ten deep breaths, and realize that you're whining. Then act to remedy that. Otherwise, Quasispace is going to jump up and down on your neck.
Pei. Yung has made his own mess. Allow him to take responsibility for his own actions. If he really is that stubborn, then he's *really* playing in the wrong sandbox.
Shade. As I have said before, *I* am this board's Designated Asshole. If I need an understudy, I'll give you a jingle. Until then, please nurse the black, bitter brew that is your heart quietly, and to yourself.
The rest of you. I'll be deleting the rest of Yung's rants here, save this one, in the morning. If you must comment, do me a favor, all me droogs and little brothers, and keep the flame low, hm? This is already stupid enough without dragging gratuitous insults into it.
hey, it appears that everybody wants the bigger piece of cake! however i would rather be the egalitarian and say that everyone is equally an asshole--you all are palette swap assholes with ``different`` attacks like one gets the akai shinkuu asshole, ushiro asshole-ken or shinkuu fused sentences, yadayada hmm! shosh
Comments on "Pokemon MASTER"; and shameless self-promotion
by
I've read through the rough draft of your MSTing of "Pokemon MASTER" that I recently noticed on the MOT page, and I'd like to make some comments on it. Originally, somehow feeling slightly uneasy that I hadn't kept riffing with you like Alicia and Rick R. Mortis, I had thought about trying to contribute something to the MSTing, but I finally soothed myself with the thought that comments from a reader might be as significant in a one-shot way. I don't get many comments myself; I think that accounts for why I jumped on the chance to respond to the comment of a WPI student who had read the UF2 MSTing.
Since I said I was going to make comments, I should get started on them. All in all, I found this MSTing enjoyable. The riffing did seem to progress from being focused strongly on responding to the story to dropping in more of the MOT's apparent signature multi-line mini-scenes as the MSTing went on, but I could call that a way of pulling the audience in. Curiously, the one riff that definitely stuck enjoyably in my mind was the Peanuts reference "Play me, trade me, forget me, who cares?"
While Pokemon is one more of the many things I've never quite gotten around to really understanding, I could more or less follow the story itself and find it just a bit of a surprise. I had first thought it would be unrelentingly (but ridiculously) bleak, but it seemed to wind up with a posturing (if equally ridiculous) way-coolness. (I've actually been working on a solo MSTing of my own with a similar touch of ridiculous way-coolness. If it shows up in the next SVAM update, you may see what I mean.)
As for the shameless self-promotion I mentioned, I've managed to set up a small personal web page with episode guides for the MSTings I've worked on, including one for UF2. I've tried to add links from that guide to the personal pages of all the authors, but some of the links given in the text files don't work. If you don't see your page mentioned, you can tell me and I'll add it. As for the page itself, it's at <http://homepage.mac.com/krpalmer/>.
I want to wish all of you good luck with the "Hopelessly Lost" multi-group MSTing. I had thought about trying to be included in that, but having to move kept me from being able to really read the Improficroast page and get acquainted with that group in the way that I was at least minimally acquainted with MOT after I read "Street Fighter: Warrior's Legacy."
"Yuffie," part five. It's the Open House Gerudo Dance Party!
by
Shade, sweetie, if there's bastardry to be done on this board, *I'll* do it. If I need your help, I'll let you know. 'Kay? Kay.
^_^
========
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple. Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
>
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!! In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!? Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
> Thief 2: Oh poopy... (stops dancing)
> Yuffie: (starts to dance)
> Cait Sith: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm
> blind!!!!!!!!!
> Nabooru: YUFFIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Yuffie: Sorry... (stops dancing)
> Cait Sith: That's better!!!!!!
> Yuffie: (rips her shirt open) Suck 'em Kaitty!!!!
> Cait Sith: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!!!!!!
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
>
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!! This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
>
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking! He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
> Thief 3: Who's Miller?
> Thief 4: My mom's appendix.
> Thief 3: EEEWWWWWWWWWW!!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
>
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
>
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!? (looks
> toward Link)
> Link: Oh yeah, blame the fairy boy!!!!!
> Dav: Hahahahahahaha!!!!
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that? (looks
> toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
> Barret: It's okay, foo'. We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right... we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!! (slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you. Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
>
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
>
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
>
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
>
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Thief 3: Oh thank you!!! I'll be sure to tell her!!!
> Dav: Whatta pervert!!!
> Cloud: Damn correct!!!!
>
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple. Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
SAMAS: Wedge Antilles?
>
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!! In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans
than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on
a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!? Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
> Thief 2: Oh poopy... (stops dancing)
> Yuffie: (starts to dance)
> Cait Sith: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm
> blind!!!!!!!!!
R.JAK: Lucky you.
> Nabooru: YUFFIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Yuffie: Sorry... (stops dancing)
> Cait Sith: That's better!!!!!!
> Yuffie: (rips her shirt open) Suck 'em Kaitty!!!!
> Cait Sith: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!!!!!!
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out
of the question, then.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
>
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!! This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
>
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking! He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: ONLY *TEN CENTS* A MINUTE?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Ti-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Thief 3: Who's Miller?
> Thief 4: My mom's appendix.
> Thief 3: EEEWWWWWWWWWW!!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was
a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
>
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
>
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
> (looks
> toward Link)
> Link: Oh yeah, blame the fairy boy!!!!!
> Dav: Hahahahahahaha!!!!
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the
Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks
> toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes
them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get
out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
> Barret: It's okay, foo'. We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right... we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's
clothing again, Ramza?
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
(slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you. Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
>
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
>
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
R.JAK: Dav, do you know what "TMI" means?
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
>
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
>
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple. Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
SAMAS: Wedge Antilles?
SIG: Sarah Conner?
>
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!! In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy 'fic!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans
than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on
a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!? Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
> Thief 2: Oh poopy... (stops dancing)
> Yuffie: (starts to dance)
> Cait Sith: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm
> blind!!!!!!!!!
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
>
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!! This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
>
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking! He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: ONLY *TEN CENTS* A MINUTE?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Ti-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Thief 3: Who's Miller?
> Thief 4: My mom's appendix.
> Thief 3: EEEWWWWWWWWWW!!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was
a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
>
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
>
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
> (looks
> toward Link)
> Link: Oh yeah, blame the fairy boy!!!!!
> Dav: Hahahahahahaha!!!!
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the
Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks
> toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes
them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get
out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
> Barret: It's okay, foo'. We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right... we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's
clothing again, Ramza?
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
(slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you. Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
>
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
>
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
R.JAK: Dav, do you know what "TMI" means?
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
>
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
>
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
<Thrasher> I think I swallowed my tongue ring! </Thrasher>
by Gavok
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple.
EON: Okay, okay! Hehe. Get this: AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku and Vegita enter this Spirit Temple. Now the bartender...
T.OGRE: You know what? I've heard this one before.
EON: Oh.
> Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
SAMAS: Wedge Antilles?
SIG: Sarah Conner?
>
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!! In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy 'fic!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans
than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on
a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!? Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
TBS <Panther King>: Don't make me get... the duct tape.
TBS: STELLAAA!!!!!!!
SAMAS: KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
T.OGRE: GANDAAALF!!!
EON: Why couldn't I have been the one to fill your dark soul... WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
>
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!!
SIG <Cait>: The type of leader who can spit out his gum and smack it away. Who can toss a towel around his back and catch it. The type of leader with long, blonde hair and a light blue singlet. The type of leader who can defeat all challengers with his Fisherman's Suplex!
> This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
>
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking! He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: ONLY *TEN CENTS* A MINUTE?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Ti-
T.OGRE: NO.
> Thief 3: Who's Miller?
> Thief 4: My mom's appendix.
> Thief 3: EEEWWWWWWWWWW!!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!!
EON <Thief 3>: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't want to hear it!
> You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
T.OGRE: She's a member of GAG. Gays Against Gays.
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was
a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
>
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
>
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
> (looks
> toward Link)
> Link: Oh yeah, blame the fairy boy!!!!!
> Dav: Hahahahahahaha!!!!
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the
Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks
> toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes
them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get
out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
> Barret: It's okay, foo'. We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right... we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's
clothing again, Ramza?
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
SAMAS <Ramza>: Take THAT subspace!
R.JAK <Link>: Shut up.
SAMAS <Ramza>: No.
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
(slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you. Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
TBS <Vegita>: I say we take the Maze of Death.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death?! Why don't we just take the tunnel?
TBS <Vegita>: That tunnel could lead to ANYWHERE. I say we take the maze.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death.
TBS <Vegita>: Yep. That's the one.
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
>
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
>
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
R.JAK: Dav, do you know what "TMI" means?
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
>
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
>
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
R.JAK <Goku>: You're not allowed to say that.
SIG <Cloud>: Huh?
EON <Vegita>: You're only allowed to ask "How can he be alive?!" after you blow him up and he's still standing when the smoke clears.
SIG <Cloud>: Oh. Well now I know.
R.JAK and EON <Goku and Vegita>: And knowing is half the battle!
ALL <singing>: D! B! Zeeeeee!
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
Where the hell's Bruce Willis? I PAID FOR BRUCE WILLIS!
by
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple.
EON: Okay, okay! Get this. AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku and Vegita enter this Spirit Temple. Now the bartender...
T.OGRE: You know what? I've heard this one before.
EON: Oh.
> Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
R.JAK: By baking a nice big cake with vanilla frosting.
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!! In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy group!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
T.OGRE: THRILL at the non-setiquor references to pop stars!
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!? Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
TBS <Panther King>: Don't make me get... the duct tape.
TBS: STELLAAA!!!!!!!
SAMAS: KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
T.OGRE: GANDAAALF!!!
EON: Why couldn't I have been the one to fill your dark soul... WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
T.OGRE: ALL of us?
TBS <Dragon>: No. *POOF*!
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!!
SIG <Cait>: The type of leader who can spit out his gum and smack it away. Who can toss a towel around his
back and catch it. The type of leader with long, blonde hair and a light blue singlet. The type of
leader who can defeat all challengers with his Fisherman's Suplex!
R.JAK: They need Funaki with a hair extension?
> This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
EON <Dragon>: Well, at least you ain't wishing for frilly panties like that pig guy.
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking! He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
T.OGRE: YAAAAAAY!
(the group looks to T.OGRE)
T.OGRE: I mean that's HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Time?
SAMAS: Yes, very insightful.
SIG: I thought so too.
SAMAS: And I will probably have to kill you now.
T.OGRE: What sort of half-assed woman would bother to name her expendable organs? It...
R.JAK: No.
T.OGRE: But she said she...
R.JAK: No...
T.OGRE: Does she have a pancreas named Lenny?
R.JAK: NO!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
T.OGRE: She's a member of GAG. Gays Against Gays.
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif 4 who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
R.JAK <Leader>: HELLOOOOOO LADIES!
TBS <Thief>: Morton Downey Junior! BACK FROM THE DEAD!
R.JAK <Leader>: Suck my armpit, MURDERER! SUCK MY ARMPIT!
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
SIG: And the bartender...
T.OGRE: We went over this.
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
> (looks toward Link)
> Link: Oh yeah, blame the fairy boy!!!!!
> Dav: Hahahahahahaha!!!!
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
R.JAK: Yes. He has people making witty alterations in his name but it didn't stop him from grossing lots of money in "The Beach".
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
TBS: Talk about an anal-oriented fic, folks.
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar
SIG: Only people with a weak power level think he hits people with jars.
> (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
T.OGRE: Instead of just killing them as he does in the non-Saban version.
> Barret: It's okay, foo'. We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right...
ALL: He's ALWAYS right!
> we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
TBS <Ramza>: No, man. An Arabian! I sold him Alma and Agrias for thirty camels!
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's clothing again, Ramza?
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
SAMAS <Ramza>: Take THAT subspace!
R.JAK <Link>: Shut up.
SAMAS <Ramza>: No.
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
(slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
TBS: (standing up) It's PUBLIC DOMAIN, you silicone infested BITCH!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you.
SAMAS: And Fred and Daphne go...(points)...thataway.
> Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
TBS <Vegita>: I say we take the Maze of Death.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death?! Why don't we just take the tunnel?
TBS <Vegita>: That tunnel could lead to ANYWHERE. I say we take the maze.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death.
TBS <Vegita>: Yep. That's the one.
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
R.JAK: Christ...now I'm smelling it from here.
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
T.OGRE <Cloud>: And even then, you have to apply for a license signed by the Ministry of Health, the Surgeon General, and the Farrelly Brothers.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
T.OGRE: Who?
R.JAK: That Minnesotan guy.
T.OGRE: Right...
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
SAMAS: And whatever you do, DO NOT SCREAM LIKE A LEEETLE WOMAN!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
R.JAK: I dunno. I never had tits.
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits
R.JAK: Hey! Stop tapping into my mind!
> and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
(R.JAK blinks.)
SIG: This guy know what "TMI" means?
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUUUN...
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
R.JAK <Goku>: You're not allowed to say that.
SIG <Cloud>: Huh?
EON <Vegita>: You're only allowed to ask "How can he be alive?!" after you blow him up and he's still standing when the smoke clears.
SIG <Cloud>: Oh. Well now I know.
R.JAK and EON <Goku and Vegita>: And knowing is half the battle!
ALL <singing>: D! B! Zeeeeee!
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
(long pause)
T.OGRE <Dav>: Saaaaaay...you don't think CAIT'S responsible for this, do you?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
SIG: (groaning) Sweet Jesus Flutie...
MMK <from the booth>: GODDAMMIT! That's *MY* line!
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
R.JAK: Hell, I'd say shoot the bastard.
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple.
EON: Okay, okay! Get this. AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku and Vegita enter this Spirit Temple. Now the bartender...
T.OGRE: You know what? I've heard this one before.
EON: Oh.
> Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
R.JAK: By baking a nice big cake with vanilla frosting.
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!!
EON <Nabooru>: Thieves, lackeys, panhandlers, lend me
your wallets!
> In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead
SAMAS: Because that's what leaders usually do.
> our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
TBS <random thief>: Call me now fer free psychic
advise!
EON <random thief>: No sushi tonight?
R.JAK <random thief>: I like shorts! They're comfy and
easy to wear!
T.OGRE <random thief>: Look at me! Follow me! Don't
rely on me!
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy group!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
T.OGRE: THRILL at the non-setiquor references to pop stars!
EON: I think the author is going for "Guilt by Association".
T.OGRE: For which side though?
EON: ... point.
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
TBS: 'Cuzz they're thieves, you see. It's FUNNY, damn you!
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: That's not how you warm up a frozen--
T.OGRE: Don't you dare!
TBS: Awwww....
> Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
TBS <Panther King>: Don't make me get... the duct tape.
EON: They must really be awful thieves, the one sword between them and whatnot.
EON <Yuffie, narration>: In my dreams, I am a ballerina. I sweep across the stage, as light as a feather! The audiance watches, not a whisper to be heard. All eyes are fixed upon me, dancing as if I was flying through the clear blue sky...
[Beat]
SAMAS: Okay, who bet on eonsinger again?
EON: No, I'm fine. Really.
TBS: STELLAAA!!!!!!!
SAMAS: KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
T.OGRE: GANDAAALF!!!
EON: Why couldn't I have been the one to fill your dark soul... WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
SIG: 15 exclamation marks... Does anything really deserve 15 exclamation marks?
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
R.JAK: Remind me what Cait Sith has to do with the Dragon Balls again.
TBS: Absolutely nothing.
R.JAK: So why are they having him make the wish then?
TBS: Because this way his wish can fulfill our zaniness quotient for the next few chapters.
R.JAK: Right... just checking.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
EON <singing>: Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
EON <Yuffie>: So, we're just gonna let him screw us over then?
R.JAK <Nabooru>: Yeah, pretty much.
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
T.OGRE: ALL of us?
TBS <Dragon>: No. *POOF*!
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
EON <chanting>: Oooooh, The Master wishes that you'd make up your mind so he can get back to trying to score!
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!!
SIG <Cait>: The type of leader who can spit out his gum and smack it away. Who can toss a towel around his
back and catch it. The type of leader with long, blonde hair and a light blue singlet. The type of
leader who can defeat all challengers with his Fisherman's Suplex!
R.JAK: They need Funaki with a hair extension?
> This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
EON <Dragon>: Well, at least you ain't wishing for frilly panties like that pig guy.
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
SIG: I before E, except after C. Come on, say it with me author...
EON: Uh, dude? The fic can't hear you.
SIG: ... I know that.
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking!
SIG: Mistaken, that would be having been... Mistaking, in the act of making a mistake... Describes everyone in the fic, really.
> He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
EON: YAAAAAAY!
[The group looks to EON]
EON: I mean that's HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Time?
SAMAS: Yes, very insightful.
SIG: I thought so too.
SAMAS: And I will probably have to kill you now.
T.OGRE: What sort of half-assed woman would bother to name her expendable organs? It...
R.JAK: No.
T.OGRE: But she said she...
R.JAK: No...
T.OGRE: Does she have a pancreas named Lenny?
R.JAK: NO!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
T.OGRE: She's a member of GAG. Gays Against Gays.
EON: Closely affiliated with the Log Cabin Republicans.
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif 4 who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
TBS <voice from doorway>: Because I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
R.JAK <Leader>: HELLOOOOOO LADIES!
TBS <Thief>: Morton Downey Junior! BACK FROM THE DEAD!
R.JAK <Leader>: Suck my armpit, MURDERER! SUCK MY ARMPIT!
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
SIG: And the bartender...
T.OGRE: We went over this.
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
SAMAS: Two of them, half and half you see.
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
TBS: Shouldn't it be "I pity da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar?"
T.OGRE: Yes, now be quiet.
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
T.OGRE: Hey wait, he just laughed maniacally...
TBS: Does that mean he's going to explode in a pile of gore?
EON: If he just reintroduces himself... we can only hope.
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
R.JAK: Yes. He has people making witty alterations in his name but it didn't stop him from grossing lots of money in "The Beach".
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
EON <Link>: And I'll bet that's not all you'd like to do it, is it Tiger?
[Pause]
EON: Well look, someone's got to say it.
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
TBS: Talk about an anal-oriented fic, folks.
EON: Now why could that be?
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
TBS: No, jars.
EON <Link>: Oh, I knew that. Thanks.
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar
SIG: Only people with a lower power level think he hits people with jars.
> (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
R.JAK: How nice, in their last few moments on earth Barret finally recognizes his true feelings...
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
T.OGRE: Instead of just killing them as he does in the non-Saban version.
SIG: Yet more proof of how bad dubbing can warp a young mind.
> Barret: It's okay, foo'.
SAMAS <Barret>: We sent the money American Express!
> We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
SIG: So, why don't they just get rid of him?
R.JAK: Huh?
SIG: Well, they just 'needed' him to show them where the Spirit Temple was, right? If they're so homophobic, why are they keeping him around still?
R.JAK: You're just going to hurt yourself if you keep on thinking about this. [aside] Make that a twenty.
TBS: Right.
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right...
ALL: He's ALWAYS right!
> we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
TBS <Ramza>: No, man. An Arabian! I sold him Alma and Agrias for thirty camels!
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's clothing again, Ramza?
TBS <Ramza>: I'm still just trying to figure out how she knew... and that's none of your business!
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
SAMAS <Ramza>: Take THAT subspace!
R.JAK <Link>: Shut up.
SAMAS <Ramza>: No.
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........!
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
> (slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
T.OGRE: It occurs to me that the villians have a much lower bystander bodycount than the heros so far in this fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
TBS: (standing up) It's PUBLIC DOMAIN, you silicone infested BITCH!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you.
SAMAS: And Fred and Daphne go...(points)...thataway.
> Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
TBS <Vegita>: I say we take the Maze of Death.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death?! Why don't we just take the tunnel?
TBS <Vegita>: That tunnel could lead to ANYWHERE. I say we take the maze.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death.
TBS <Vegita>: Yep. That's the one.
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
R.JARK <Red XIII>: But it's my thing! My only thing! I'm nothing without my flatulence, nothing!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
R.JAK: Christ...now I'm smelling it from here.
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
EON <between slightly on edge bursts of laughter>: Funny?!
T.OGRE <Cloud>: And even then, you have to apply for a license signed by the Ministry of Health, the Surgeon General, and the Farrelly Brothers.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
R.JAK <Tifa>: Open it, quick!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
T.OGRE: Who?
R.JAK: That Minnesotan guy.
T.OGRE: Right...
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
SAMAS: And whatever you do, DO NOT SCREAM LIKE A LEEETLE WOMAN!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
R.JAK: I dunno. I never had tits.
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits
R.JAK: Hey! Stop tapping into my mind!
> and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
(R.JAK blinks.)
SIG: This guy know what "TMI" means?
TBS <Dav>: In fact... where is Aeris?
T.OGRE: No, just *no*.
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUUUN...
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
R.JAK <Goku>: You're not allowed to say that.
SIG <Cloud>: Huh?
EON <Vegita>: You're only allowed to ask "How can he be alive?!" after you blow him up and he's still standing when the smoke clears.
SIG <Cloud>: Oh. Well now I know.
R.JAK and EON <Goku and Vegita>: And knowing is half the battle!
ALL <singing>: D! B! Zeeeeee!
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
(long pause)
T.OGRE <Dav>: Saaaaaay...you don't think CAIT'S responsible for this, do you?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
SIG: (groaning) Sweet Jesus Flutie...
MMK <from the booth>: GODDAMMIT! That's *MY* line!
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
R.JAK: Hell, I'd say shoot the bastard.
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple.
EON: Okay, okay! Get this. AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku and Vegita enter this Spirit Temple. Now the bartender...
T.OGRE: You know what? I've heard this one before.
EON: Oh.
> Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
R.JAK: By baking a nice big cake with vanilla frosting.
T.OGRE: With sprinkles?
R.JAK: No.
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!!
EON <Nabooru>: Thieves, lackeys, panhandlers, lend me
your wallets!
> In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead
SAMAS: Because that's what leaders usually do.
> our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
TBS <random thief>: Call me now fer free psychic
advise!
EON <random thief>: No sushi tonight?
R.JAK <random thief>: I like shorts! They're comfy and
easy to wear!
T.OGRE <random thief>: Look at me! Follow me! Don't
rely on me!
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy group!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
T.OGRE: THRILL at the non-setiquor references to pop stars!
EON: I think the author is going for "Guilt by Association".
T.OGRE: For which side though?
EON: ... point.
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
TBS: 'Cuzz they're thieves, you see. It's FUNNY, damn you!
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: That's not how you warm up a frozen--
T.OGRE: Don't you dare!
TBS: Awwww....
> Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
TBS <Panther King>: Don't make me get... the duct tape.
EON: They must really be awful thieves, the one sword between them and whatnot.
EON <Yuffie, narration>: In my dreams, I am a ballerina. I sweep across the stage, as light as a feather! The audience watches, not a whisper to be heard. All eyes are fixed upon me, dancing as if I was flying through the clear blue sky...
[Beat]
SAMAS: Okay, who bet on eonsinger again?
EON: No, I'm fine. Really.
TBS: STELLAAA!!!!!!!
SAMAS: KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
T.OGRE: GANDAAALF!!!
EON: Why couldn't I have been the one to fill your dark soul... WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
SIG: 15 exclamation marks... Does anything really deserve 15 exclamation marks?
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
R.JAK: Remind me what Cait Sith has to do with the Dragon Balls again.
TBS: Absolutely nothing.
R.JAK: So why are they having him make the wish then?
TBS: Because this way his wish can fulfill our zaniness quotient for the next few chapters.
R.JAK: Right... just checking.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
EON <singing>: Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
EON <Yuffie>: So, we're just gonna let him screw us over then?
R.JAK <Nabooru>: Yeah, pretty much.
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
T.OGRE: ALL of us?
TBS <Dragon>: No. *POOF*!
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
EON <chanting>: Oooooh, The Master wishes that you'd make up your mind so he can get back to trying to score!
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!!
SIG <Cait>: The type of leader who can spit out his gum and smack it away. Who can toss a towel around his
back and catch it. The type of leader with long, blonde hair and a light blue singlet. The type of
leader who can defeat all challengers with his Fisherman's Suplex!
R.JAK: They need Funaki with a hair extension?
> This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
SIG <Cait Sith>: ...capri pants!
R.JAK <Cait Sith>: ...mullets!
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
EON <Dragon>: Well, at least you ain't wishing for frilly panties like that pig guy.
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
SIG: I before E, except after C. Come on, say it with me author...
EON: Uh, dude? The fic can't hear you.
SIG: ... I know that.
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking!
SIG: Mistaken, that would be having been... Mistaking, in the act of making a mistake... Describes everyone in the fic, really.
> He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
EON: YAAAAAAY!
[The group looks to EON]
EON: I mean that's HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Time?
SAMAS: Yes, very insightful.
SIG: I thought so too.
SAMAS: And I will probably have to kill you now.
T.OGRE: What sort of half-assed woman would bother to name her expendable organs? It...
R.JAK: No.
T.OGRE: But she said she...
R.JAK: No...
T.OGRE: Does she have a pancreas named Lenny?
R.JAK: NO!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
T.OGRE: She's a member of GAG. Gays Against Gays.
EON: Closely affiliated with the Log Cabin Republicans.
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif 4 who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
TBS <voice from doorway>: Because I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
R.JAK <Leader>: HELLOOOOOO LADIES!
TBS <Thief>: Morton Downey Junior! BACK FROM THE DEAD!
R.JAK <Leader>: Suck my armpit, MURDERER! SUCK MY ARMPIT!
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
SIG: And the bartender...
T.OGRE: We went over this.
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
SAMAS: Two of them, half and half you see.
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
TBS: Shouldn't it be "I pity da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar?"
T.OGRE: Yes, now be quiet.
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
T.OGRE: Hey wait, he just laughed maniacally...
TBS: Does that mean he's going to explode in a pile of gore?
EON: If he just reintroduces himself... we can only hope.
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
R.JAK: Yes. He has people making witty alterations in his name but it didn't stop him from grossing lots of money in "The Beach".
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
EON <Link>: And I'll bet that's not all you'd like to do it, is it Tiger?
[Pause]
EON: Well look, someone's got to say it.
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
TBS: Talk about an anal-oriented fic, folks.
EON: Now why could that be?
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
TBS: No, jars.
EON <Link>: Oh, I knew that. Thanks.
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar
SIG: Only people with a lower power level think he hits people with jars.
> (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
R.JAK: How nice, in their last few moments on earth Barret finally recognizes his true feelings...
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
T.OGRE: Instead of just killing them as he does in the non-Saban version.
SIG: Yet more proof of how bad dubbing can warp a young mind.
> Barret: It's okay, foo'.
SAMAS <Barret>: We sent the money American Express!
> We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
SIG: So, why don't they just get rid of him?
R.JAK: Huh?
SIG: Well, they just 'needed' him to show them where the Spirit Temple was, right? If they're so homophobic, why are they keeping him around still?
R.JAK: You're just going to hurt yourself if you keep on thinking about this. [aside] Make that a twenty.
TBS: Right.
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right...
ALL: He's ALWAYS right!
> we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
SAMAS: ...how old are you? The new craze is seeing how many you can pack into a _________
[svennernote: pulling a TOTAL blank here. Someone think of something to put in there, please?}
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
TBS <Ramza>: No, man. An Arabian! I sold him Alma and Agrias for thirty camels!
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's clothing again, Ramza?
TBS <Ramza>: I'm still just trying to figure out how she knew... and that's none of your business!
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
SAMAS <Ramza>: Take THAT subspace!
R.JAK <Link>: Shut up.
SAMAS <Ramza>: No.
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........!
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
> (slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
T.OGRE: It occurs to me that the villians have a much lower bystander bodycount than the heros so far in this fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
TBS: (standing up) It's PUBLIC DOMAIN, you silicone infested BITCH!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you.
SAMAS: And Fred and Daphne go...(points)...thataway.
> Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
TBS <Vegita>: I say we take the Maze of Death.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death?! Why don't we just take the tunnel?
TBS <Vegita>: That tunnel could lead to ANYWHERE. I say we take the maze.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death.
TBS <Vegita>: Yep. That's the one.
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
R.JARK <Red XIII>: But it's my thing! My only thing! I'm nothing without my flatulence, nothing!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
R.JAK: Christ...now I'm smelling it from here.
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
EON <between slightly on edge bursts of laughter>: Funny?!
T.OGRE <Cloud>: And even then, you have to apply for a license signed by the Ministry of Health, the Surgeon General, and the Farrelly Brothers.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
R.JAK <Tifa>: Open it, quick!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
T.OGRE: Who?
R.JAK: That Minnesotan guy.
T.OGRE: Right...
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
SAMAS: And whatever you do, DO NOT SCREAM LIKE A LEEETLE WOMAN!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
R.JAK: I dunno. I never had tits.
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits
R.JAK: Hey! Stop tapping into my mind!
> and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
(R.JAK blinks.)
SIG: This guy know what "TMI" means?
TBS <Dav>: In fact... where is Aeris?
T.OGRE: No, just *no*.
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUUUN...
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
R.JAK <Goku>: You're not allowed to say that.
SIG <Cloud>: Huh?
EON <Vegita>: You're only allowed to ask "How can he be alive?!" after you blow him up and he's still standing when the smoke clears.
SIG <Cloud>: Oh. Well now I know.
R.JAK and EON <Goku and Vegita>: And knowing is half the battle!
ALL <singing>: D! B! Zeeeeee!
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
(long pause)
T.OGRE <Dav>: Saaaaaay...you don't think CAIT'S responsible for this, do you?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
SIG: (groaning) Sweet Jesus Flutie...
MMK <from the booth>: GODDAMMIT! That's *MY* line!
SIG: Whoa. OK.
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
R.JAK: Hell, I'd say shoot the bastard.
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple.
EON: Okay, okay! Get this. AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku and Vegita enter this Spirit Temple. Now the bartender...
T.OGRE: You know what? I've heard this one before.
EON: Oh.
> Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
R.JAK: By baking a nice big cake with vanilla frosting.
T.OGRE: With sprinkles?
R.JAK: No.
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!!
EON <Nabooru>: Thieves, lackeys, panhandlers, lend me
your wallets!
> In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead
SAMAS: Because that's what leaders usually do.
SIG <Nabooru>: Until all are one!
> our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
TBS <random thief>: Call me now fer free psychic advise!
EON <random thief>: No sushi tonight?
R.JAK <random thief>: I like shorts! They're comfy and easy to wear!
T.OGRE <random thief>: Look at me! Follow me! Don't rely on me!
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy group!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
T.OGRE: THRILL at the non-setiquor references to pop stars!
EON: I think the author is going for "Guilt by Association".
T.OGRE: For which side though?
EON: ...point.
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
SAMAS <random thief>: So it *was* what you meant, then?
SIG <Nabooru>: I... ARGGGH!!!
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
TBS: 'Cuzz they're thieves, you see. It's FUNNY, damn you!
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: That's not how you warm up a frozen--
T.OGRE: Don't you dare!
TBS: Awwww....
> Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
TBS <Panther King>: Don't make me get... the duct tape.
EON: They must really be awful thieves, the one sword between them and whatnot.
EON <Yuffie, narration>: In my dreams, I am a ballerina. I sweep across the stage, as light as a feather! The audience watches, not a whisper to be heard. All eyes are fixed upon me, dancing as if I was flying through the clear blue sky...
[Beat]
SAMAS: Okay, who bet on eonsinger again?
EON: No, I'm fine. Really.
TBS: STELLAAA!!!!!!!
SAMAS: KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
T.OGRE: GANDAAALF!!!
EON: Why couldn't I have been the one to fill your dark soul... WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
SIG: 15 exclamation marks... Does anything really deserve 15 exclamation marks?
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
R.JAK: Remind me what Cait Sith has to do with the Dragon Balls again.
TBS: Absolutely nothing.
R.JAK: So why are they having him make the wish then?
TBS: Because this way his wish can fulfill our zaniness quotient for the next few chapters.
R.JAK: Right... just checking.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
EON <singing>: Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
EON <Yuffie>: So, we're just gonna let him screw us over then?
R.JAK <Nabooru>: Yeah, pretty much.
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
T.OGRE: ALL of us?
TBS <Dragon>: No. *POOF*!
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
EON <chanting>: Oooooh, The Master wishes that you'd make up your mind so he can get back to trying to score!
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!!
SIG <Cait>: The type of leader who can spit out his gum and smack it away. Who can toss a towel around his
back and catch it. The type of leader with long, blonde hair and a light blue singlet. The type of
leader who can defeat all challengers with his Fisherman's Suplex!
R.JAK: They need Funaki with a hair extension?
> This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
SIG <Cait Sith>: ...capri pants!
R.JAK <Cait Sith>: ...mullets!
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
EON <Dragon>: Well, at least you ain't wishing for frilly panties like that pig guy.
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
SIG: I before E, except after C. Come on, say it with me author...
EON: Uh, dude? The fic can't hear you.
SIG: ...I know that.
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking!
SIG: Mistaken, that would be having been... Mistaking, in the act of making a mistake... Describes everyone in the fic, really.
> He's gonna wish Hitler back!!!
EON: YAAAAAAY!
[The group looks to EON]
EON: I mean that's HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Time?
SAMAS: Yes, very insightful.
SIG: I thought so too.
SAMAS: And I will probably have to kill you now.
T.OGRE: What sort of half-assed woman would bother to name her expendable organs? It...
R.JAK: No.
T.OGRE: But she said she...
R.JAK: No...
T.OGRE: Does she have a pancreas named Lenny?
R.JAK: NO!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
SIG: I guess Nabooru is the token Jew.
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
T.OGRE: She's a member of GAG. Gays Against Gays.
EON: Closely affiliated with the Log Cabin Republicans.
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif 4 who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
TBS <voice from doorway>: Because I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
>
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
R.JAK <Leader>: HELLOOOOOO LADIES!
TBS <Thief>: Morton Downey Junior! BACK FROM THE DEAD!
R.JAK <Leader>: Suck my armpit, MURDERER! SUCK MY ARMPIT!
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
SIG: And the bartender...
T.OGRE: We went over this.
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
SAMAS: Two of them, half and half you see.
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
TBS: Shouldn't it be "I pity da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar?"
T.OGRE: Yes, now be quiet.
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
T.OGRE: Hey wait, he just laughed maniacally...
TBS: Does that mean he's going to explode in a pile of gore?
EON: If he just reintroduces himself... we can only hope.
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
R.JAK: Yes. He has people making witty alterations in his name but it didn't stop him from grossing lots of money in "The Beach".
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
EON <Link>: And I'll bet that's not all you'd like to do it, is it Tiger?
[Pause]
EON: Well look, someone's got to say it.
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
TBS: Talk about an anal-oriented fic, folks.
EON: Now why could that be?
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
TBS: No, jars.
EON <Link>: Oh, I knew that. Thanks.
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar
SIG: Only people with a lower power level think he hits people with jars.
> (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
R.JAK: How nice, in their last few moments on earth Barret finally recognizes his true feelings...
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
T.OGRE: Instead of just killing them as he does in the non-Saban version.
SIG: Yet more proof of how bad dubbing can warp a young mind.
> Barret: It's okay, foo'.
SAMAS <Barret>: We sent the money American Express!
> We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
SIG: So, why don't they just get rid of him?
R.JAK: Huh?
SIG: Well, they just 'needed' him to show them where the Spirit Temple was, right? If they're so homophobic, why are they keeping him around still?
R.JAK: You're just going to hurt yourself if you keep on thinking about this. [aside] Make that a twenty.
TBS: Right.
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right...
ALL: He's ALWAYS right!
> we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
SAMAS: ...how old are you? The new craze is seeing how many you can pack into a _________
[svennernote: pulling a TOTAL blank here. Someone think of something to put in there, please?}
{I'd suggest an electric car, but I've never really seen that done before. ^_^; -M.Poa}
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
TBS <Ramza>: No, man. An Arabian! I sold him Alma and Agrias for thirty camels!
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's clothing again, Ramza?
TBS <Ramza>: I'm still just trying to figure out how she knew... and that's none of your business!
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
SAMAS <Ramza>: Take THAT subspace!
R.JAK <Link>: Shut up.
SAMAS <Ramza>: No.
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
[TBS takes out a water pistol and squirts at the screen.]
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........!
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
> (slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
T.OGRE: It occurs to me that the villians have a much lower bystander body count than the heroes so far in this fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
TBS: (standing up) It's PUBLIC DOMAIN, you silicone infested BITCH!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you.
SAMAS: And Fred and Daphne go...(points)...thataway.
R.JAK <Zelda>: Meanwhile, Kenny goes outside and connects the generator while we wait inside this room here, eating milk and cookies.
> Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
TBS <Vegita>: I say we take the Maze of Death.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death?! Why don't we just take the tunnel?
TBS <Vegita>: That tunnel could lead to ANYWHERE. I say we take the maze.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death.
TBS <Vegita>: Yep. That's the one.
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
SIG: Fat chance.
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: But it's my thing! My only thing! I'm nothing without my flatulence, nothing!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
R.JAK: Christ...now I'm smelling it from here.
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
EON <between slightly on edge bursts of laughter>: Funny?!
T.OGRE <Cloud>: And even then, you have to apply for a license signed by the Ministry of Health, the Surgeon General, and the Farrelly Brothers.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
R.JAK <Tifa>: Open it, quick!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
T.OGRE: Who?
R.JAK: That Minnesotan guy.
T.OGRE: Right...
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
SAMAS: And whatever you do, DO NOT SCREAM LIKE A LEEETLE WOMAN!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
SIG <Tifa>: I gotta find a restroom! I gotta find a restroom.
[A pause. SIG <Tifa> looks down.]
SIG <Tifa>: Too late...
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
R.JAK: I dunno. I never had tits.
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits
R.JAK: Hey! Stop tapping into my mind!
> and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
(R.JAK blinks.)
SIG: This guy know what "TMI" means?
TBS <Dav>: In fact... where is Aeris?
T.OGRE: No, just *no*.
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUUUN...
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
R.JAK <Goku>: You're not allowed to say that.
SIG <Cloud>: Huh?
EON <Vegita>: You're only allowed to ask "How can he be alive?!" after you blow him up and he's still standing when the smoke clears.
SIG <Cloud>: Oh. Well now I know.
R.JAK and EON <Goku and Vegita>: And knowing is half the battle!
ALL <singing>: D! B! Zeeeeee!
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
(long pause)
T.OGRE <Dav>: Saaaaaay...you don't think CAIT'S responsible for this, do you?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
SIG: (groaning) Sweet Jesus Flutie...
MMK <from the booth>: GODDAMMIT! That's *MY* line!
SIG: Whoa. OK.
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
R.JAK: Hell, I'd say shoot the bastard.
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple.
EON: Okay, okay! Get this. AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku and Vegita enter this Spirit Temple. Now the bartender...
T.OGRE: You know what? I've heard this one before.
EON: Oh.
> Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
R.JAK: By baking a nice big cake with vanilla frosting.
T.OGRE: With sprinkles?
R.JAK: No.
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!!
EON <Nabooru>: Thieves, lackeys, panhandlers, lend me
your wallets!
> In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead
SAMAS: Because that's what leaders usually do.
> our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
???: What have they got against Scarlet?
???: I guess Snake-Eyes pushed her too far.
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
TBS <random thief>: Call me now fer free psychic
advise!
EON <random thief>: No sushi tonight?
R.JAK <random thief>: I like shorts! They're comfy and
easy to wear!
T.OGRE <random thief>: Look at me! Follow me! Don't
rely on me!
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy group!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
T.OGRE: THRILL at the non-setiquor references to pop stars!
EON: I think the author is going for "Guilt by Association".
T.OGRE: For which side though?
EON: ... point.
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
TBS: 'Cuzz they're thieves, you see. It's FUNNY, damn you!
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: That's not how you warm up a frozen--
T.OGRE: Don't you dare!
TBS: Awwww....
> Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
TBS <Panther King>: Don't make me get... the duct tape.
EON: They must really be awful thieves, the one sword between them and whatnot.
EON <Yuffie, narration>: In my dreams, I am a ballerina. I sweep across the stage, as light as a feather! The audience watches, not a whisper to be heard. All eyes are fixed upon me, dancing as if I was flying through the clear blue sky...
[Beat]
SAMAS: Okay, who bet on eonsinger again?
EON: No, I'm fine. Really.
TBS: STELLAAA!!!!!!!
SAMAS: KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
T.OGRE: GANDAAALF!!!
EON: Why couldn't I have been the one to fill your dark soul... WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
SIG: 15 exclamation marks... Does anything really deserve 15 exclamation marks?
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
R.JAK: Remind me what Cait Sith has to do with the Dragon Balls again.
TBS: Absolutely nothing.
R.JAK: So why are they having him make the wish then?
TBS: Because this way his wish can fulfill our zaniness quotient for the next few chapters.
R.JAK: Right... just checking.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
EON <singing>: Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
EON <Yuffie>: So, we're just gonna let him screw us over then?
R.JAK <Nabooru>: Yeah, pretty much.
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
T.OGRE: ALL of us?
TBS <Dragon>: No. *POOF*!
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
???: We could wish for the fic to end.
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
EON <chanting>: Oooooh, The Master wishes that you'd make up your mind so he can get back to trying to score!
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!!
SIG <Cait>: The type of leader who can spit out his gum and smack it away. Who can toss a towel around his
back and catch it. The type of leader with long, blonde hair and a light blue singlet. The type of
leader who can defeat all challengers with his Fisherman's Suplex!
R.JAK: They need Funaki with a hair extension?
> This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
???: Cait Sith, plushy angel of vengance.
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
SIG <Cait Sith>: ...capri pants!
R.JAK <Cait Sith>: ...mullets!
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
EON <Dragon>: Well, at least you ain't wishing for frilly panties like that pig guy.
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
SIG: I before E, except after C. Come on, say it with me author...
EON: Uh, dude? The fic can't hear you.
SIG: ... I know that.
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking!
SIG: Mistaken, that would be having been... Mistaking, in the act of making a mistake... Describes everyone in the fic, really.
> He's gonna wish Hitler
> back!!!
EON: YAAAAAAY!
[The group looks to EON]
EON: I mean that's HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Time?
SAMAS: Yes, very insightful.
SIG: I thought so too.
SAMAS: And I will probably have to kill you now.
T.OGRE: What sort of half-assed woman would bother to name her expendable organs? It...
R.JAK: No.
T.OGRE: But she said she...
R.JAK: No...
T.OGRE: Does she have a pancreas named Lenny?
R.JAK: NO!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
T.OGRE: She's a member of GAG. Gays Against Gays.
EON: Closely affiliated with the Log Cabin Republicans.
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif 4 who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
TBS <voice from doorway>: Because I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
???: Oh great, it's Rinoa Frigging Heartly.
???: Why not drag FF8 in? We have enough crap as it is.
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
R.JAK <Leader>: HELLOOOOOO LADIES!
TBS <Thief>: Morton Downey Junior! BACK FROM THE DEAD!
R.JAK <Leader>: Suck my armpit, MURDERER! SUCK MY ARMPIT!
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
SIG: And the bartender...
T.OGRE: We went over this.
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
SAMAS: Two of them, half and half you see.
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
TBS: Shouldn't it be "I pity da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar?"
T.OGRE: Yes, now be quiet.
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
T.OGRE: Hey wait, he just laughed maniacally...
TBS: Does that mean he's going to explode in a pile of gore?
EON: If he just reintroduces himself... we can only hope.
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
R.JAK: Yes. He has people making witty alterations in his name but it didn't stop him from grossing lots of money in "The Beach".
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
EON <Link>: And I'll bet that's not all you'd like to do it, is it Tiger?
[Pause]
EON: Well look, someone's got to say it.
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
???: Link is... THE RUNNING MAN!
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
TBS: Talk about an anal-oriented fic, folks.
EON: Now why could that be?
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
TBS: No, jars.
EON <Link>: Oh, I knew that. Thanks.
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar
SIG: Only people with a lower power level think he hits people with jars.
???: No, if it was Vegita, he would have charged up for three episodes, thrown the jar and then gotten beat up.
> (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
???: A dimension not of sightm not of sound but of crap.
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
R.JAK: How nice, in their last few moments on earth Barret finally recognizes his true feelings...
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
T.OGRE: Instead of just killing them as he does in the non-Saban version.
SIG: Yet more proof of how bad dubbing can warp a young mind.
> Barret: It's okay, foo'.
SAMAS <Barret>: We sent the money American Express!
> We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
SIG: So, why don't they just get rid of him?
R.JAK: Huh?
SIG: Well, they just 'needed' him to show them where the Spirit Temple was, right? If they're so homophobic, why are they keeping him around still?
R.JAK: You're just going to hurt yourself if you keep on thinking about this. [aside] Make that a twenty.
TBS: Right.
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right...
ALL: He's ALWAYS right!
> we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
SAMAS: ...how old are you? The new craze is seeing how many you can pack into a _________
[svennernote: pulling a TOTAL blank here. Someone think of something to put in there, please?}
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
TBS <Ramza>: No, man. An Arabian! I sold him Alma and Agrias for thirty camels!
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's clothing again, Ramza?
TBS <Ramza>: I'm still just trying to figure out how she knew... and that's none of your business!
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
SAMAS <Ramza>: Take THAT subspace!
R.JAK <Link>: Shut up.
SAMAS <Ramza>: No.
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........!
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
> (slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
T.OGRE: It occurs to me that the villians have a much lower bystander bodycount than the heros so far in this fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
TBS: (standing up) It's PUBLIC DOMAIN, you silicone infested BITCH!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you.
SAMAS: And Fred and Daphne go...(points)...thataway.
> Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
TBS <Vegita>: I say we take the Maze of Death.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death?! Why don't we just take the tunnel?
TBS <Vegita>: That tunnel could lead to ANYWHERE. I say we take the maze.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death.
TBS <Vegita>: Yep. That's the one.
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
R.JARK <Red XIII>: But it's my thing! My only thing! I'm nothing without my flatulence, nothing!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
R.JAK: Christ...now I'm smelling it from here.
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
EON <between slightly on edge bursts of laughter>: Funny?!
T.OGRE <Cloud>: And even then, you have to apply for a license signed by the Ministry of Health, the Surgeon General, and the Farrelly Brothers.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
R.JAK <Tifa>: Open it, quick!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
T.OGRE: Who?
R.JAK: That Minnesotan guy.
T.OGRE: Right...
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
???: Yes, this is.
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
SAMAS: And whatever you do, DO NOT SCREAM LIKE A LEEETLE WOMAN!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
R.JAK: I dunno. I never had tits.
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits
R.JAK: Hey! Stop tapping into my mind!
> and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
(R.JAK blinks.)
SIG: This guy know what "TMI" means?
TBS <Dav>: In fact... where is Aeris?
T.OGRE: No, just *no*.
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
???: Listen very carefully, for this is the plot. This is so important that it has to be shouted so everyone within earshot can clearly hear each and every word.
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUUUN...
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
???: He has crossed the border from tacky and is now passed into kitch.
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
R.JAK <Goku>: You're not allowed to say that.
SIG <Cloud>: Huh?
EON <Vegita>: You're only allowed to ask "How can he be alive?!" after you blow him up and he's still standing when the smoke clears.
SIG <Cloud>: Oh. Well now I know.
R.JAK and EON <Goku and Vegita>: And knowing is half the battle!
ALL <singing>: D! B! Zeeeeee!
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
(long pause)
T.OGRE <Dav>: Saaaaaay...you don't think CAIT'S responsible for this, do you?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
SIG: (groaning) Sweet Jesus Flutie...
MMK <from the booth>: GODDAMMIT! That's *MY* line!
SIG: Whoa. OK.
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
R.JAK: Hell, I'd say shoot the bastard.
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
> AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku, and Vegeta enter the Spirit
> Temple.
EON: Okay, okay! Get this. AVALANCHE, Link, Zelda, Goku and Vegita enter this Spirit Temple. Now the bartender...
T.OGRE: You know what? I've heard this one before.
EON: Oh.
> Meanwhile, in another part of the temple, the
> Gerudos are preparing for the arrival of their new rebel
> leader...
R.JAK: By baking a nice big cake with vanilla frosting.
T.OGRE: With sprinkles?
R.JAK: No.
> Nabooru: Okay fellow thieves!!!!
EON <Nabooru>: Thieves, lackeys, panhandlers, lend me
your wallets!
> In a few minutes, a new
> leader will lead
SAMAS: Because that's what leaders usually do.
SIG <Nabooru>: Until all are one!
> our glorious rebellion against Scarlet!
EON: What have they got against Scarlet?
TBS: I guess Snake-Eyes pushed her too far.
> Before I have Yuffie and that cat summon the dragon, does
> anyone wanna say something before we begin?
TBS <random thief>: Call me now fer free psychic advise!
EON <random thief>: No sushi tonight?
R.JAK <random thief>: I like shorts! They're comfy and easy to wear!
T.OGRE <random thief>: Look at me! Follow me! Don't rely on me!
SIG <random Thief>: I want out of this crappy group!
EON <Nabooru>: Nice try, but no, you slut.
> Thief 4: Turn on the radio, Nabooru!!!!!!
> Thief 2: Yeah!!! Let's listen to Brittney Spears
> songs!!!!!
> Thief 3: How about Shania Twain?
T.OGRE: THRILL at the non-setiquor references to pop stars!
EON: I think the author is going for "Guilt by Association".
T.OGRE: For which side though?
EON: ...point.
> Nabooru: That's not not what I meant...
SAMAS <random thief>: So it *was* what you meant, then?
SIG <Nabooru>: I... ARGGGH!!!
> Thief 3: Let's party girls!!!!! (music starts playing and
> the Thieves start dancing to the song "Steal my Sunshine")
TBS: 'Cuzz they're thieves, you see. It's FUNNY, damn you!
SIG: I've seen hyperactive children with longer attention spans than this.
EON <announcer>: Your dance is incredible! It's like sunshine on a cloudy day!
> Nabooru: Ack! Whatta you girls doing?!?!?!?!?
TBS <Nabooru>: That's not how you warm up a frozen--
T.OGRE: Don't you dare!
TBS: Awwww....
> Stop dancing
> to this sorry excuse for a song before I get the sword
> out!!!!!
TBS <Panther King>: Don't make me get... the duct tape.
EON: They must really be awful thieves, the one sword between them and whatnot.
EON <Yuffie, narration>: In my dreams, I am a ballerina. I sweep across the stage, as light as a feather! The audience watches, not a whisper to be heard. All eyes are fixed upon me, dancing as if I was flying through the clear blue sky...
[Beat]
SAMAS: Okay, who bet on eonsinger again?
EON: No, I'm fine. Really.
TBS: STELLAAA!!!!!!!
SAMAS: KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
T.OGRE: GANDAAALF!!!
EON: Why couldn't I have been the one to fill your dark soul... WITH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
SIG: 15 exclamation marks... Does anything really deserve 15 exclamation marks?
SAMAS: I would if I could.
SIG: I'd say something, but I don't want a miniature spatula sticking out of the back of my head for it.
> Nabooru: Enough both of you!!!! Okay, cat, wish us a new
> leader and don't try anything stupid!!!!!
SIG <Cait Sith>: Damn. I guess lighting myself on fire is out of the question, then.
R.JAK: Remind me what Cait Sith has to do with the Dragon Balls again.
TBS: Absolutely nothing.
R.JAK: So why are they having him make the wish then?
TBS: Because this way his wish can fulfill our zaniness quotient for the next few chapters.
R.JAK: Right... just checking.
> Cait Sith: Yeah yeah we all wanna try something stupid...
EON <singing>: Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan...
> (goes into another room with the dragon balls)
>
> Cait Sith summons the eternal dragon...
TBS: So that's what they call it these days???
EON <Yuffie>: So, we're just gonna let him screw us over then?
R.JAK <Nabooru>: Yeah, pretty much.
> Dragon: I am the Eternal Dragon. You have summoned me,
> therefore, you can make one wish.
T.OGRE: ALL of us?
TBS <Dragon>: No. *POOF*!
> Cait Sith: Mmmmmmmmmm.... let's see here....
> uh....mmmmm.... uh...
> Dragon: Would you hurry up? You're interuppting my date!!!
SIG: You know, this Shen Long sounds suspiciously like a certain Dragon scribe that I know...
EON <chanting>: Oooooh, The Master wishes that you'd make up your mind so he can get back to trying to score!
> Cait Sith: Hold your scales I'm thinking!!!!!! (thinks to
> himself) Mmmm... the Gerudos want a leader that can lead
> their rebellion but who......(evil grin comes over his
> face) I know the perfect leader!!!!!
SIG <Cait>: The type of leader who can spit out his gum and smack it away. Who can toss a towel around his back and catch it. The type of leader with long, blonde hair and a light blue singlet. The type of leader who can defeat all challengers with his Fisherman's Suplex!
R.JAK: They need Funaki with a hair extension?
> This'll teach those
> f**kin' Gerudo lesbos to mess with Cait Sith!
T.OGRE: Cait Sith, plushy angel of vengance.
> Dragon: Do you have a wish?
> Cait Sith: Yes I do! I want you to bring back...
SIG <Cait Sith>: ...capri pants!
R.JAK <Cait Sith>: ...mullets!
TBS <Cait Sith>: ...disco!
EON <Dragon>: Well, at least you ain't wishing for frilly panties like that pig guy.
> A few minutes later...
>
> Thief 2: Ooooo... this is so exciting!!!! I hope he wishes
> Gondi back!!!
SAMAS: Who??
TBS: Haven't you been paying attention? It's "What?"
EON, SIG: WHAT?
TBS: See?
[SAMAS sighs. T.OGRE growls.]
> Theif 3: King Author would be a good leader!!!!!
SIG: I before E, except after C. Come on, say it with me author...
EON: Uh, dude? The fic can't hear you.
SIG: ...I know that.
> Theif 1: It's King Arthur you b***h!!!!!
> Theif 4: You girls are mistaking!
SIG: Mistaken, that would be having been... Mistaking, in the act of making a mistake... Describes everyone in the fic, really.
> He's gonna wish Hitler back!!!
EON: YAAAAAAY!
[The group looks to EON]
EON: I mean that's HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!
> Nabooru: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?
> Thief 4: Uh... I said he's gonna wish Miller back!!
SIG: What if Miller took over the world? Would historians call his reign Miller Time?
SAMAS: Yes, very insightful.
SIG: I thought so too.
SAMAS: And I will probably have to kill you now.
T.OGRE: What sort of half-assed woman would bother to name her expendable organs? It...
R.JAK: No.
T.OGRE: But she said she...
R.JAK: No...
T.OGRE: Does she have a pancreas named Lenny?
R.JAK: NO!
> Thief 2: No you didn't!!! You said he was gonna wish back
> Hitler!!!
> Thief 4: Uh oh...
> Nabooru: Don't EVER say that guy's name in my presence
> again!!!!! (draws her sword out)
EON: Bring me my longsword, ho!
SIG: I guess Nabooru is the token Jew.
> Theif 4: Oh your sexiness!!!!! I'm so sorry!!! Please
> forgive me!!!!
> Nabooru: Maybe God would forgive an ugly whore like you
> but I won't!!!!! (stabs her in the leg with her sword)
> Theif 4: Ack!!!!!
SAMAS: Oh, so one of the thieves is Cathy.
> Yuffie: I hope he wishes Tinky Winky back!!!!!!
> Theif 1: You like that gay show?
T.OGRE: She's a member of GAG. Gays Against Gays.
EON: Closely affiliated with the Log Cabin Republicans.
> Yuffie: It's good education!!!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> Nabooru: What's so funny?
EON <Cait Sith>: Oh, you just reminded me of that one
Newgrounds.com animation with the Teletubbies... man, that was a riot!
> Cait Sith: Your new rebel leader... has arrived!!!!
> Theif 2: Oh did you wish Gondi back?
> Cait Sith: No...
> Theif 3: He wished back King Arthur!!!!
> Cait Sith: Nope!
> Theif 4: (holding her leg) He wished Hitler back!!!!
> Nabooru: B***h!!! (kills the thief)
SIG: Of course, since it was Theif 4 who said it, she got off lucky.
> Cait Sith: Not quite but he's just as good as all of those
> other leaders!!!!
SAMAS <Cait Sith>: ...and he's 97 percent fat-free!
TBS <voice from doorway>: Because I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me!
> Yuffie: Who did you wish back?
> Cait Sith: I present you, your new rebel leader!!!!!
T.OGRE: Oh great, it's Rinoa Frigging Heartly.
R.JAK: Why not drag FF8 in? We have enough crap as it is.
> Nabooru, Yuffie and the other thieves look toward the
> doorway, full of excitement as the new leader walks out...
R.JAK <Leader>: HELLOOOOOO LADIES!
TBS <Thief>: Morton Downey Junior! BACK FROM THE DEAD!
R.JAK <Leader>: Suck my armpit, MURDERER! SUCK MY ARMPIT!
> Elsewhere in the Spirit Temple, AVALANCHE and crew walk
> in...
SIG: And the bartender...
T.OGRE: We went over this.
> Cloud: That's weird!! The outside looks like a house from
> Sector 7 slums but the inside it's half-way descent!!!
TBS: So it's partially transformed into a old corridor shooter?
SAMAS: Two of them, half and half you see.
> Zelda: Be careful you guys. They're traps everywhere!!!
> Barret: (a flying jar hits him in the head) Owwwww!!!
> Who's da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar!?!?!?
TBS: Shouldn't it be "I pity da' foo' who hit me with dat' jar?"
T.OGRE: Yes, now be quiet.
EON: Was it the elves, or the monkey with the gun?
SIG: My money's on those weird beatniks.
T.OGRE: Hey wait, he just laughed maniacally...
TBS: Does that mean he's going to explode in a pile of gore?
EON: If he just reintroduces himself... we can only hope.
> Link: What's so funny!?
> Dav: You just admitted you're gay!!!!!
> Link: I am not gay!!!!!
> Cloud: Yeah, that's what DiCrapio said and look at
> him!!!!!
R.JAK: Yes. He has people making witty alterations in his name but it didn't stop him from grossing lots of money in "The Beach".
SIG: This 'fic makes Kevin Smith's movie career look like the Rainbow Coalition's sensitivity training videos...
> Barret: I outta pound ya' @$$ in da' ground!!!!!
EON <Link>: And I'll bet that's not all you'd like to do it, is it Tiger?
[Pause]
EON: Well look, someone's got to say it.
> Link: Oh s**t.....
> Tifa: Run Link...
SAMAS: Link is... THE RUNNING MAN!
> Link: You...you're concern for me?
> Tifa: ....before I shove Aeris' Princess Guard up your
> @$$!!!!
TBS: Talk about an anal-oriented fic, folks.
EON: Now why could that be?
> Link: (snaps his fingers) Rats!!!!
TBS: No, jars.
EON <Link>: Oh, I knew that. Thanks.
> Goku: (a jar hits him in the head) Who did that?
SAMAS: Considering where it hit, I'm suprised he noticed.
> (looks toward Vegeta)
> Vegeta: What are you looking at, Kakaraught!?!?
> Goku: You just threw a jar at me didn't you!?!?!?!?
> Vegeta: If I was gonna throw something at you, it wouldn't
> something weak and pathetic like a jar
SIG: Only people with a lower power level think he hits people with jars.
> (a jar hits him in
> the head) WHO THE F**K JUST HIT ME WITH THAT
> JAR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (looks toward Barret and Link)
> Link: Don't look at me!!!!!
> Barret: I wouldn't throw da' jar at ya' foo'!!!!
> Vegeta: UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (charges up
> energy)
> Link: OH F**K!!!!!!
> Barret: We done for!!!!!!!
EON: I wouldn't worry about it. Considering how long it takes them to power up in the show, you've got plenty of time to get out of there...
> Vegeta: See you jack@$$s........in the next dimension!!!!
R.JAK: A dimension not of sightm not of sound but of crap.
> Link and Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We don't wanna die! We
> don't wanna die!!
R.JAK: How nice, in their last few moments on earth Barret finally recognizes his true feelings...
> Zelda: WAIT!!!!!!!
> Vegeta: What!?!?!?
> Zelda: These jars are flying by themselves. No one is
> throwing them at any of you guys!!!!!!!
> Vincent: ..........
R.JAK: My sentiments exactly.
> Vegeta: Crap! Just when I was about to blow them into the
> next dimension!!!
T.OGRE: Instead of just killing them as he does in the non-Saban version.
SIG: Yet more proof of how bad dubbing can warp a young mind.
> Barret: It's okay, foo'.
SAMAS <Barret>: We sent the money American Express!
> We all wanna send da' fairy boy
> into da' next dimension!
> Red XIII: Damn correct!!!!
SIG: So, why don't they just get rid of him?
R.JAK: Huh?
SIG: Well, they just 'needed' him to show them where the Spirit Temple was, right? If they're so homophobic, why are they keeping him around still?
R.JAK: You're just going to hurt yourself if you keep on thinking about this. [aside] Make that a twenty.
TBS: Right.
> Dav: Well now that's solved I suggest we find those Gerudo
> b***hes and get our stuff back!!!!!!
> Aeris: Dav's right...
ALL: He's ALWAYS right!
> we're just wasting time here
> accusing each other of throwing jars at each other.
> Zelda: So then, what's keeping us?
T.OGRE: Artificial preservatives.
[EON rimshots.]
> Ramza: Hey guys! Wait for me!!!!! (runs into the Spirit
> Temple)
R.JAK: ...and yet *another* RPG character that will have absolutely no bearing on the so-called "plot" appears in the literary train wreck that is the Dave and Dyne Saga.
T.OGRE: This story reminds me of college students trying to cram themselves into a telephone booth, for some odd reason.
SAMAS: ...how old are you? The new craze is seeing how many you can pack into a suitcase.
[svennernote: pulling a TOTAL blank here. Someone think of something to put in there, please?}
{I'd suggest an electric car, but I've never really seen that done before. ^_^; -M.Poa}
(How's that? -z)
> Cloud: Oh great...
> Ramza: Don't forget about me!!!!!
> Red XIII: How could we?
> Link: How did you get here!?
> Ramza: Some Arabian person gave me a ride here!!!!
> Aeris: Arabian person!?!?!?!? You mean a Gerudo?
TBS <Ramza>: No, man. An Arabian! I sold him Alma and Agrias for thirty camels!
> Ramza: Well when she found out I was hiding in her cart,
> she told me I was a little prick and to get the hell out
> of her cart and she kicked my exposed @$$ clear across the
> desert and......
SIG: "Exposed ass?" Have you been borrowing Ashley Riot's clothing again, Ramza?
TBS <Ramza>: I'm still just trying to figure out how she knew... and that's none of your business!
> Link: Do you know when to shut up!?!?!?!?!?
> Ramza: No......
SAMAS <Ramza>: Take THAT subspace!
R.JAK <Link>: Shut up.
SAMAS <Ramza>: No.
> Vegeta: Beat it, squirt!!!!
[TBS takes out a water pistol and squirts at the screen.]
> Goku: Yeah! Little pricks like you don't belong here.
SIG <Vincent>: ..........!
> Ramza: Why are you guys so mean to me?
> Dav: 'Cause we can be!!!!!! JUSTICE SLASH!!!!
EON <Brider>: He is the Justice, not you.
> (slashes
> Ramza's @$$ to pieces with his Atma Weapon)
R.JAK: So much for that pointless cameo.
SIG: Cool. Ramza got an early exit out of this 'fic.
T.OGRE: It occurs to me that the villians have a much lower bystander body count than the heroes so far in this fic.
> Red XIII: Well, now since that little nuiscence is dead
> and won't bother us anymore I suggest we continue our
> mission.
> Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!!!!
> Tifa: That's Cait's line!!!!
TBS: (standing up) It's PUBLIC DOMAIN, you silicone infested BITCH!
> Zelda: We should split into two groups. If one group, by
> any chance, happens to get caught, the other group can
> rescue them.
R.JAK: Now there's a statement that inspires confidence...
> Vincent: That is a wise idea.
SIG <Vincent>: Actually, it sucks, but hey, I get to have decent lines...
> Zelda: Okay then, Barret, Vincent, Aeris, Vegeta and I
> will take that tunnel over there, while the rest of you
> take that elevator block in back of you.
SAMAS: And Fred and Daphne go...(points)...thataway.
R.JAK <Zelda>: Meanwhile, Kenny goes outside and connects the generator while we wait inside this room here, eating milk and cookies.
> Don't engage the
> Gerudos unless they attack first. Let's go!!!!!
TBS <Vegita>: I say we take the Maze of Death.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death?! Why don't we just take the tunnel?
TBS <Vegita>: That tunnel could lead to ANYWHERE. I say we take the maze.
EON <Zelda>: The Maze of Death.
TBS <Vegita>: Yep. That's the one.
> Barret: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' like a wimp! Can't ya'
> say "Let's find and kick da' Gerudos' @$$s"!!!!!
> Zelda: What Barret said!!!!
> (the team splits into their two groups and begin their
> search for the Gerudos, Cait Sith and the dragon balls)
EON: ...and a clean restroom.
SIG: Fat chance.
> On the elevator block, Cloud, Tifa, Goku, Red XIII, and
> Dav Cole reach the top and walk down a tunnel...
SAMAS: ...and are eaten by a Grue. The end.
SIG: *** YOU HAVE DIED. ***
EON: ...Stop that.
> Red XIII: In the tunnel! The mighty tunnel! The lion farts
> tonight! (lets a big fart out)
> Dav: Ah c'mon!!! That's getting old!!!
R.JAK <Red XIII>: But it's my thing! My only thing! I'm nothing without my flatulence, nothing!
> Red XIII: What is? That song or the farts? (farts again)
> Dav: Both!!!!!!
R.JAK: Christ...now I'm smelling it from here.
> Goku: Dude, your gonna put a hole in the ozone layer if
> you keep doing that!!!
> Cloud: He's right, Red. It's now a law that says you can
> only fart if you have to or in situation where it's real
> funny.
EON <between slightly on edge bursts of laughter>: Funny?!
T.OGRE <Cloud>: And even then, you have to apply for a license signed by the Ministry of Health, the Surgeon General, and the Farrelly Brothers.
> Red XIII: (farts again) Was that funny?
> Tifa: No.
> Dav: Hey! I see a door!
R.JAK <Tifa>: Open it, quick!
> Goku: (opens the door) S**t!!! The Gerudos are out
> there!!!!
> Dav: Oh poopy!!!!!!
SIG: Additional dialogue by Dr. Clayton Forrester.
T.OGRE: Who?
R.JAK: That Minnesotan guy.
T.OGRE: Right...
> Cloud: Crap!!!!!
TBS: Yes, this is.
> Tifa: Did they see you?
> Goku: I don't think so.
> Cloud: Just stay put for now!
SAMAS: And whatever you do, DO NOT SCREAM LIKE A LEEETLE WOMAN!
> Tifa: I have to pee! I have to pee!
> Dav: You just went ten minutes ago!!!
SIG <Tifa>: I gotta find a restroom! I gotta find a restroom.
[A pause. SIG <Tifa> looks down.]
SIG <Tifa>: Too late...
> Tifa: I didn't go!! How would you like it if you had to
> pee on a cactus with an Ancient b***h making fun of your
> big tits!?!?!?
R.JAK: I dunno. I never had tits.
> Dav: First of all, I don't have tits
R.JAK: Hey! Stop tapping into my mind!
> and second I wouldn't
> mind if Aeris was watching me pee!!!!!!
(R.JAK blinks.)
SIG: This guy know what "TMI" means?
TBS <Dav>: In fact... where is Aeris?
T.OGRE: No, just *no*.
> Goku: Quiet guys!!! The Gerudos are discussing something!
R.JAK: Listen very carefully, for this is the plot. This is so important that it has to be shouted so everyone within earshot can clearly hear each and every word.
> Red XIII: Probably about ways on how to become better
> b***hes!!!
> Goku: Yeah probably but it never hurts to listen.
> Dav: Or is it.....
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUUUN...
> In the chamber with the huge statue, the Gerudos are
> "worshipping" their new rebel leader...
EON <singing>: Bow down before the one you serve...
> Thief 2: Oh great and glorious leader!!! Tell me, how many
> licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
> Cait's friend: (has a cheesy @$$ gold-colored Burger King
> crown on with gold colored wrapping paper around his
> shoulders plus a large Deku stick in his right hand)
SAMAS: He has crossed the border from tacky and is now passed into kitch.
> Tequila man!!!
> Thief 2: Oh that explains everything!!! Thank you oh
> glorious leader!!!!
> Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
> Cloud: Did I just hear who I think I heard?
> Tifa: Well, if you heard a tequila holic
SIG: Tequilaholic: It's like being a chocoholic, but with booze.
> that always says
> "Tequila man!" and goes by the name Cait's friend, then
> yes, you did hear what you thought you heard.
> Cloud: How can he be alive!?!?!?
R.JAK <Goku>: You're not allowed to say that.
SIG <Cloud>: Huh?
EON <Vegita>: You're only allowed to ask "How can he be alive?!" after you blow him up and he's still standing when the smoke clears.
SIG <Cloud>: Oh. Well now I know.
R.JAK and EON <Goku and Vegita>: And knowing is half the battle!
ALL <singing>: D! B! Zeeeeee!
> Goku: Maybe he was wished back with the dragon balls.
> Cloud: But who would be retarded enough to wish him, of
> all people, back!?!?
(long pause)
T.OGRE <Dav>: Saaaaaay...you don't think CAIT'S responsible for this, do you?
> Tifa: It was either Cait Sith or the materia whore!!
> Cloud: Probably Yuffie, that desperate b***h!! She is such
> a s**tty person!!!!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Tifa & Cloud: That's Cait's line!!!!
SIG: (groaning) Sweet Jesus Flutie...
MMK <from the booth>: GODDAMMIT! That's *MY* line!
SIG: Whoa. OK.
> Thief 3: Oh glorious leader! My girlfriend's friend,
> Chase, is harrasing her with his dildo. What should she
> say to him?
R.JAK: Hell, I'd say shoot the bastard.
EON: Wait, why does the *guy* have a--
T.OGRE: Eon, that train of thought can only end in tragedy.
Can't I just guest write for ONE little part of the misting? You really don't have to use such language, guys. I only want to guest write, but I don't want to go on to Quasispace...I don't want to do the newbie stuff. I want to do a little misting with YOU guys, because you guys are doing the REAL stuff, and I just want to do this. But if I have to wait, then fine. I'll just wait for the next episode. It's just that Mark said it was open season, so I thought MAYBE I can do this, ok? You don't have to call me a jackass. ^_^
Are you suggesting that there's something wrong with Quasispace?
by
Listen, man, we Quasispacers have been welcoming you with open arms here. We're trying VERY HARD not to be judgemental about ya. Besides, just because we're "newbies" doesn't make us any less of a MiSTing crew than MOT. I think the fact that we've all been working together on a MiSTing like this with what I feel are excellent results is a good indicator of this. Besides, have you even READ any of the Quasispace material? Because let me tell you, we're just as capable as anybody of producing quality stuff. (Or rather they, since I just made my acquaintance, having paid attention to the MOT guidelines, hint hint.)
Quit being so elitist. Otherwise, people WILL call you a jackass anyway, whether you like it or not.
Dragomorph
"Who wonders why she's even bothering with this anyway"
If you're a newbie around here, you *go to the newbie MSTing group*. Duh.
You can't just go: "I want to MST with you guys so that's what I'm doing."
You have no say in whether or not you can riff at MOT. Especcially since you fucked up recently.
It's fairly obvious that you don't know what the hell you're doing, so stop demanding that they let you riff with them, just so you can say: "Hey! I riffed with the big-leagues at MOT! Isn't that cool?!"
And you can't just say that you'll wait for the next episode. It says, very clearly, at the top of the board that they aren't accepting anyone else into MOT. They didn't put that up there to see how many people bought it. They means that *no one else* can join. That means you.
Jackass.
By the way, there're things I like to call line-breaks. Maybe you should use 'em some time.
-Shade
Who's gonna look really stupid if they end up letting her stay.
[Note: Pardon the overly technical and formal writing here; it's a habit I got into to try and avoid misinterpretation when I'm ranting.]
> Can't I just guest write for ONE little part of the misting?
Let me get this straight. You want to guest write for one part of the MST. In other words, you want to write a riff or two and get your name on the credits, and then *not do anything else at MOT ever*? Doesn't make sense.
> You really don't have to use such language, guys.
If you can't handle the language, get the fuck away from the Ballad. Ahem.
> I only want to guest write, but I don't want to go on to Quasispace...I don't want to do the newbie stuff. I want to do a little misting with YOU guys, because you guys are doing the REAL stuff, and I just want to do this.
...pray, define 'REAL stuff' in this context. Quasispace is new compared to MOT, but that hardly makes its MSTings 'fake'. If they're being done for a reason other than solely personal gratification (i.e., writing comedy, giving C&C in a format other than the usual) and getting posted online, they're 'real'.
> But if I have to wait, then fine. I'll just wait for the next episode. It's just that Mark said it was open season, so I thought MAYBE I can do this, ok? You don't have to call me a jackass. ^_^
First rule: have tough skin if you're going to hang out here. We're pretty much all bastards to some extent. (Especially AoD, but that's a given.)
Mark did say it was open season on Dave and Dyne, and it is - to a certain extent. Quasispace has *specifically been invited* to MST, something that should indicate MOT, at least, doesn't see it as 'fake' in any way. Various people who are more IFR regulars than MOT regulars are joining in as well, since Wanderer put out the allcall for riffers.
An allcall on Dave and Dyne *does not* translate into 'we're canceling the rule that no newbies can join MOT'. What it *means* is 'if you've riffed here before, or riffed with Quasispace/IFR, feel free to join in this time'.
More, common sense indicates that before you riff with a group, you would at least get a feel for how *they* riff. In this context, that translates as *reading the fucking style guide* and preferably past MSTings too, to see which avatars can riff. Given the huge riffer lists for the past few episodes and the fact that only six to eight avatars have been riffing any given fic, one can reasonably assume that only certain avatars are allowed to speak in each MST.
A last note... your comment about how you didn't want us to not take you seriously because you're 15? *Age doesn't matter*. We range from ... what, 13 to 30 here? Give or take? If I started up with MOT (on It Isn't Raizo This Time) last year at age *12*, 15 isn't going to mean a damned thing unless you *act* like it does.
<< I hereby relinquish my title of "Old Man" to you, O Djinn Knight of <insert catchword here>. >>
Not a problem. You can't help your age. You can help getting *older*, as Humpty Dumpty pointed out to Alice, but I wouldn't want anyone here to do so. (Amazingly enough, given some of the things I've said about him, not even Sunny.)
I suppose you've redeemed yourself with your post above (below, now, I suppose). I have to admit, though, I'm still a little insulted that you think Quasispace is beneath you. Your riffs weren't *that* funny. :)
And if you still want to seem hardcore, start your own damn MiSTing group. I mean, hell, *I* did it. It can't be that hard.
A pinch of self-effacing modesty can go a long way, kid.
I don't know whether to give him the customary boot to the head or to cuddle him to my breast and say "Go, little youth, and sin no more." Maybe I can cuddle then boot. Yeah...that's what I'm gonna do. Come here, you...
Hi to you all! I'm rather confused on what the next mst is.
by
*Note: I am NOT a newbie to this sort of thing. I know I shouldn't introduce myself here, but I NEED the attention here. I don't want to be waiting forever having someone reply to me if I had say, emailed them. Email is seen as junk, and it takes forever for some people to see it. Also, I don't want any fakey replies, like, "Oh, no we can't, too many, sorry, BLAH BLAH BLAH!" I just want to do this once, okay? It can't hurt? And, as lame as it sounds, I NEED this.
Hello!!!! Hi. Im a 15 year old drama student in Arizona. I've done some acting, like improvisation, and some abstract plays, as well as your monologues and duet acting scenes. I'm *PROUD* to say that I'm the only Asian in my theatre troop. Okay, by now, you're probably thinking, "Um, I don't care..." But, I am only giving myself an improptu introduction...wasn't that the rule? Can't be rude! O_^
So, I want to be a guest writer for your next misting. Why? Because my theatre instructor told me it would good to do some satirical work, and misting would be okay. It would be great credentials for drama school, because a big chunk of comedic theater is making references, trying to think up some jokes, and basically interacting with the audience to make them laugh and have a good time.
Misting, I believe, would be a good way to do so. I've written several comedic monologues and satirical essays. I also am familiar with anime (okay, that sounds really lame, but you *do* have to be familiar with the stuff you write, right? Hey, that rhymes!). I am familiar with all sorts; the fake hokey stuff you get in America, manga, the real Japanese, and international animes!
Also, I have the time and dedication to this sort of thing, So I am really quite flexible. I've done some "independent" misting, and I'm pretty familiar with the "Mary Sue" other stereotypes you get in fanfics. So, if you want to talk, then email me!
What's so special about Asians? And what's so scary about your real name? It's not like there's a shortage of us doing that around the Net. ^_-
Anyway, I'm not in charge here, but there are a few places other than MOT you can hop on to. Quasispace is one. The link's on top. The other is ImproFicRoast (the link is also on top), our version of MOT over at Indie Madnesse. We're getting started to MST Eyrie's Hopelessly Lost in a wild IFR/MOT/Elmer Studios crossover. Feel free to drop by and contribute riffs once we start... just introduce yourself there first before you do. ^^
Oh, and as far as I know, Wanderer pretty much declared open season on the current Dave and Dyne MSTing. However, since you're new here, maybe you'd like to hang around first, try to get into the flow of things, and maybe post a few riffs on the chapters being MSTed. (No assurances they'll get in the final edit, though, but that's a given on all the jokes...)
Word of warning though: your intro could have used without the NOTE: first paragraph. IMO, you came off as whiny, pushy, and/or smart-alecky. That tends to irk off some of the people here. You don't get in by acting like a know-it-all or cry out "Look at me! Look at me!" I don't know how to explain it, but you *can* be accepted as a guest writer here without posting an attention-getter. You just have to act reasonable and mature when dealing with others... yet insane when you MST. ^_^
Of course, I'm nowhere near in charge around here. :P
Oh, and I'd like to take a look at some of those Mstings and comedic writings you've mentioned. Do you have a web site link? If you're interested in writing humor in general (and since you've done improv theater), why not drop by Indie Madnesse (http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net/)? It's an improvisational fanfiction writing website (with some anime-based stories). All writers are welcome. [/plug]
The preceding plug was brought to you by I Can't Believe It's Not Toast!
You're looking to sign up because you need the experience for *drama school*? Do you get bonus points for driving the admissions committee insane?
"Hi, guys. This is a PJ 'fic I helped MiST!"
"AAAIIEEE!!"
Anyway, it's like Mark said. Quasispace, one link down and listen for the screaming. While the dividing line between the B-Team and the "A-Team," as it were (dibs on being Murdock!), is remarkably fucking thin these days, since "Dave and Dyne" is an emergency situation, they're still expressly set up for newbie purposes.
Good luck with drama school, by the way. If you make it, you're apparently looking to have a weird-ass pedigree.
By the way, do you know Pei? I only ask because he, too, is an Asian kid living in Arizona who visits my site religiously.
Thomas Wilde
a.k.a. Wanderer
just like crosstown traffic
I'm a Christian too, but this is America, so I have FREEDOM OF RELIGION. That means I can worship your site, right?!?!?! Thomas Wilde is my freakin' SAVIOR, so you all best back the F!K off, bitch!!!
Disclaimer: I'm juuuuuuuust kidding. I like Elsewhere, but not to the point of obsession. It may or may not seem in poor taste as a Christian to joke about it, but that's what I'm here for.