CLOWN PRINCESBrits love "taking the piss" and we aren't the only ones. All over the world there are wise-cracking smart-arses who reckon they are funnier than you or I. And they are probably right...though we would never admit it.
Here we give them the chance to prove it with some of the dumbest, dirtiest, smirkiest jokes
...in the world.
Eventually there will be age categories so people don't get offended. For now ANYTHING goes!
Well: almost anything...
Here are a few examples to start the old ball rolling...
American Badass - Captain Ed Toner
I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I like
big cars, big cigars and
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family,
not some mid-level
functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it
away to crack addicts
squirting out babies.
I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think
playing with guns doesn't
make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts
for a reason. I think
I'm better than the homeless. I don't think being a
minority makes you noble or
victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a
homophobe or a misogynist.
I am not tolerant of others because they are different.
I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets,
I'll still want to see
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that if you are
selling me a Big Mac,
you do it in English. I like my porn with or without
silicon. I don't use the excuse
"it's for the children" as a Shield for unpopular
opinions or actions. I want to
know when MTV became such crap. I think getting a hummer
is sex, and every
is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per
I know what the definition lying of is. I think Oprah's
eyes are way too far
apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the
Internet. I didn't think
the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back
safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy
Osborne, Ice-T or Marilyn
Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn't give
you any more
enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. I don't want
to eat or drink anything
with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
believe everyone has a
right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do
it in their schools.
think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes
are Newt Gingrich, John
Wayne, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman. I
creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes
movies more interesting and
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know
wrestling is fake, but I
still think The Rock could kick my butt. I think global
warming is junk science.
I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty
years in the desert after
getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any
witches or been persecuted by
the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-Phuck-up
Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh. I think you
can respect and admire
women while mentally undressing them. I believe a
self-righteous liberal with a
cause is more dangerous than a Play Station. I want to
know which church is it
exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches.
I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen
puts her tongue. I think
the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if
you're running from them. I
thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still
kiss my backside.
I worry about dying before I get even.
I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm
waiting at a stop-light, and
I'm pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is
glad she no longer lives
in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada.
figured out Bruce Willis
was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it
anyway. I think turkey
I want somebody to explain to me exactly
why it's wrong to point
out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers
the police eventually
pull out of the car are gonna be a gang-banging hommies
or vatos. I believe
that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it
takes a parent.
tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they
are a political statement. I like hard women, hard
liquor and a hard bowel
movement first thing in the morning. I believe you don't
have to speak with a
lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
admit that the only movies
that ever made me cry was Sand of Iwo Jima and Ole
Yeller. I didn't realize Dr.
Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not conform
or compromise just to
keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw
my soft drink can in
the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more
steps and I crush my
cigarettes out on the curb. Making love is fine, but
sometimes I wanna get laid.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how
desperately the mainstream
media would like the world to believe otherwise.
Yes, I'm a bad American
The Eye Drop Method - Pete Disbrey(A true story)
Several years ago a fellow cruise ship tour manager and myself were enjoying
a few cocktails at the bar and we became aware that our friendly bartender's
patience had finally expired with a certain passenger. (How many frigging
bowls of peanuts and more ice do you need?) To dispose of this unwanted
guest, a bottle of eye drops were miraculously produced from the bartender's
"Accidentally" during the next refill some of the eye drops fell into said
pax drink. Result, pax not seen for two days. Mexican two step syndrome.
of the other passengers were relieved to get off the ship.
This farewell was often used, especially on disembarkation morning prior to
(For Jock humour you can visit our resident Scottish funnyman Doug Healy by CLICKING HERE
The end of the Olympics - King Kangaroo
Now that the Olympics are over and we are no longer the centre of the
universe (although we've always been pretty bloody close to it) it's
time to get back to normal so:
1) You can stop smiling now.
2) Same goes for being nice to everyone.
3) People looking confused or lost whilst holding maps can be ignored as
4) People with foreign accents can be made fun of.
5) People wearing big ID badges around their necks should be told they
6) Same goes for wearing the official SOCOG volunteer gear. It's
get over it.
7) The Sydney 2000 t-shirts that sold at the Olympic Park Megastore for
bucks last Friday are now being sold at Paddys Market at 3 for $10.
8) Chants of "Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi" will not be tolerated.
have sanctioned the use of violence against anyone who does. Expect to
the frequent sound of Police gunfire alot over the next week or two as
those who have forgotten the Olympics are over are subtlely reminded.
9) Expect to hear the frequent sound of Police gunfire again anyway.
10) Wearing a tracksuit emblazoned with the name of some forgotten
ex-Soviet Union dictatorship will no longer give you preferential entry
into the best clubs in town. (Though I do have a few Krygystan ones
for sale at $14.95 for both shirt & pants, purely for novelty value of
11) You don't have to watch Archery, Shooting, Greco-Roman Wrestling,
Equestrian, Synchronised Swimming, Badminton, Hockey, Sailing, Tai Kwan
etc etc ever again (at the very least not for another 4 years anyway.
Though I'm sure the Greco-Roman Wrestling will always go down well with
local denizens in Oxford St in one form or another.)
12) Trains will again start derailing and City Rail staff can go back to
being their normal surly selves. "Mind your step Ladies and Gentlemen"
be replaced by the familiar refrain of "The 5:28 to Berowra is delayed
45 minutes and will now not be stopping at this station. Cityrail
apologizes for the inconveniance but realizes that as you have no real
alternatives you'll just have to put up with it. Ha ha ha ha ha......."
13) Ditto for the planes.
14) And the buses.
15) All the homeless people who were trucked out to "hospitality camps"
will start reappearing in the inner city now that all the tv cameras
gone and Frank Sartor & Bob Carr admit to everyone "Yes, of course we
only hiding them while the Olympics were on. Whaddaya bloody think?!?!"
16) All the new street plants will not be replaced.
17) There will be public hangings of anybody found wearing the
a) Australian flag capes.
b) Australian flag caps & hats.
c) Australian flag t-shirts.
d) Australian flag flags.
18) No one will use the Superdome, the Hockey stadium, the Baseball
stadium, the Equestrian centre or the Archery & Shooting ranges again.
19) It will take you an hour & a half to drive 10km, not the 15 minute
trips you've been blissfully enjoying for the last 2.5 weeks.
20) You'll never feel as un-selfconcious singing the national anthem or
Waltzing Mathilda in a full subway car with complete strangers ever
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