CLOWN PRINCES

American Badass - Captain Ed Toner

I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I like big cars, big cigars and big tits.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist.

I am not tolerant of others because they are different. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I like my porn with or without silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a Shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month.
I know what the definition lying of is. I think Oprah's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I didn't think the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osborne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools.

I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Newt Gingrich, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes movies more interesting and Iraqis deader.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock could kick my butt. I think global warming is junk science.

I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-Phuck-up already.

Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Play Station. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches.

I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my backside.

I worry about dying before I get even. I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada.

I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks.

I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be a gang-banging hommies or vatos. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent.

I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.

I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was Sand of Iwo Jima and Ole Yeller. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps and I crush my cigarettes out on the curb. Making love is fine, but sometimes I wanna get laid.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Yes, I'm a bad American

The Eye Drop Method - Pete Disbrey(A true story)

Several years ago a fellow cruise ship tour manager and myself were enjoying a few cocktails at the bar and we became aware that our friendly bartender's patience had finally expired with a certain passenger. (How many frigging bowls of peanuts and more ice do you need?) To dispose of this unwanted guest, a bottle of eye drops were miraculously produced from the bartender's waistcoat pocket.

"Accidentally" during the next refill some of the eye drops fell into said pax drink. Result, pax not seen for two days. Mexican two step syndrome. Many of the other passengers were relieved to get off the ship. This farewell was often used, especially on disembarkation morning prior to a long flight.

The end of the Olympics - King Kangaroo
Now that the Olympics are over and we are no longer the centre of the universe (although we've always been pretty bloody close to it) it's time to get back to normal so:
1) You can stop smiling now.
2) Same goes for being nice to everyone.
3) People looking confused or lost whilst holding maps can be ignored as per usual.
4) People with foreign accents can be made fun of. 5) People wearing big ID badges around their necks should be told they look like dicks.
6) Same goes for wearing the official SOCOG volunteer gear. It's finished, get over it.
7) The Sydney 2000 t-shirts that sold at the Olympic Park Megastore for $60 bucks last Friday are now being sold at Paddys Market at 3 for $10.
8) Chants of "Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi" will not be tolerated. Police have sanctioned the use of violence against anyone who does. Expect to hear the frequent sound of Police gunfire alot over the next week or two as those who have forgotten the Olympics are over are subtlely reminded.
9) Expect to hear the frequent sound of Police gunfire again anyway.
10) Wearing a tracksuit emblazoned with the name of some forgotten tinpot ex-Soviet Union dictatorship will no longer give you preferential entry into the best clubs in town. (Though I do have a few Krygystan ones still for sale at $14.95 for both shirt & pants, purely for novelty value of course.)
11) You don't have to watch Archery, Shooting, Greco-Roman Wrestling, Equestrian, Synchronised Swimming, Badminton, Hockey, Sailing, Tai Kwan Do etc etc ever again (at the very least not for another 4 years anyway. Though I'm sure the Greco-Roman Wrestling will always go down well with the local denizens in Oxford St in one form or another.)
12) Trains will again start derailing and City Rail staff can go back to being their normal surly selves. "Mind your step Ladies and Gentlemen" will be replaced by the familiar refrain of "The 5:28 to Berowra is delayed by 45 minutes and will now not be stopping at this station. Cityrail apologizes for the inconveniance but realizes that as you have no real alternatives you'll just have to put up with it. Ha ha ha ha ha......."
13) Ditto for the planes.
14) And the buses.
15) All the homeless people who were trucked out to "hospitality camps" will start reappearing in the inner city now that all the tv cameras have gone and Frank Sartor & Bob Carr admit to everyone "Yes, of course we were only hiding them while the Olympics were on. Whaddaya bloody think?!?!"
16) All the new street plants will not be replaced.
17) There will be public hangings of anybody found wearing the following:
a) Australian flag capes.
b) Australian flag caps & hats.
c) Australian flag t-shirts.
d) Australian flag flags.
18) No one will use the Superdome, the Hockey stadium, the Baseball stadium, the Equestrian centre or the Archery & Shooting ranges again.
19) It will take you an hour & a half to drive 10km, not the 15 minute trips you've been blissfully enjoying for the last 2.5 weeks.
20) You'll never feel as un-selfconcious singing the national anthem or Waltzing Mathilda in a full subway car with complete strangers ever again.

For Jock humour you can visit our resident Scottish funnyman Doug Healy by CLICKING HERE

CLICK HERE for The Duke.

To join the circus CLICK HERE