This was an email I sent to a friend, but I thought I could just share the info with you all as well. Whatever time you have for prayers, please spend some of it on me and Matt...
There's been more turbulence. After we made up and things were going okay, Matt had a change of heart. He's decided he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know if he loves me. I told him if he didn't know what he wanted and didn't know if he loved me then he doesn't want me or love me. Turns out, there is a woman he's interested in though he promises he hasn't been sexually involved with her. He just likes her.
The good news is Jesus loves me. I have Him. I realized that my life is always going to be hard. I'm never going to have it easy. I'm dead tired, but I'm going to be able to survive. His love will bear me up. My goal now is to just be working so I can keep my home. Matt is going to help me so I won't be demanding alimony from him. He says he still cares about me and wants to make sure I'm okay. I love him so much. I hate to letting him go. I can't hate him. I've made so many damn sins in my life I'd be dead now if God held a grudge against me.
I'm done with men. I started dating at eighteen and all I've ever got was a world of hurt. At 38, having a home and some peace in my life is a thousand times more important to me than having a husband. I'll go to my grave inlove with Matt. I refuse to recover so I can start dating again. Yech. No more.
Carla
For such a self assured womwan I am surprised in your reponses to the turbulance in your life. Take the need for having a man in your life and if love occurs well accept it as it is but don't chase it or demand it!
Carla.......Sometimes words of comfort and prayers of guidence are all that we can come up with in times of need. To say that "all will work out for the best" just doesn't feel the right thing to say!!! A heart that is broken is not so easily mended when love is involved. Been there, done that, and burned the T-shirt!!! Yes, the Lord should be upper most in your heart right now, the heart sure does hurt, in the most human sense. Jesus sure will help you to keep your "insight" but what I am concerned about now is the hurt you are feeling. To find out that there maybe "someone" else is especially hard to handle. You want to love and be loved in the most special way and to find out that there is someone or something else that is "breaking" that love feeling is so very crushing. The perfect love Jesus has for us is beyond our understanding, but it sure does feel good that someone could go through so much pain and sorrow to love you so much. That kinda love will never be found on this earthly plane. Keep that love you have in your heart and never loose it. From what I've read from your posts you have a very sincere love. Never, never let that go! To say "you'll find someone" maybe true, but it doesn't make the hurt and pain go away. But please know that prayers of love and protection surround you. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Hey Tevita,
Thank you for caring. I confuse many people. I don't always act the way they expect me to. Okay, that sounds snooty, it's not meant to be. I know you're surprised at me, but you gotta think about it from my perspective. I started dating at 18. Twenty years later I'm yet again being crushed by my true love. I can't tell you how much I still love Matt. I'm hoping for a miracle. I'm hoping God will just slap him hard and he'll spontaneously see what a good woman he has in me and just fall in love with me all over again. I don't want another man. I'm tired of getting to know someone, falling for him, then having my whole world tossed into a giant heap of ruins when he decides I'm not really what he was looking for. I thought Matt was a lifer. I was sure we'd go to our graves together. I mean, we're married! Was I wearing this ring for nothing? Was I suppose to believe I was only a experiment? This just isn't the same as being dumped after a few dates. My husband whom I love and trusted with my life is leaving me! What do I have to look forward to in dating again? Getting a new husband someday and hoping he doesn't abandon me? Forget it!
I'm sorry, this board really isn't intended for marital issues like this. I have no friends I can talk to. Strange, I know. But, I was a janitor who slept during the day and worked nights. Then, I took care of my mom who was homebound and needed looking after around the clock. Now, I'm going back to being a janitor. Matt was the friend I talked to. My best friend next to Jesus. I'm really, really at a lost here. So, I'm ranting here with you people. If it's inappropriate, you know I'll stop without any hard feelings...
Hey Kevin and Myra,
Thank you for caring, too. God bless you both. For that matter, God bless everyone in this forum... :^)
I can't begin to say that I know how you feel, but I know it's tough.
Don't give up on us men just yet. The incredibly thoughtless actions of one, forgive my harshness, dosn't mean we're all like that. I've had my own "moments", but have found that I'm in the best place possible, with the best wife that I could have. If I had left, what kind of even more screwed-up situation would I have gotten myself into? Pretty bad, probably. Matt may yet discover how good of a woman he has in you. That may take him some time in the midst of his new situation. Y'know, the "you made your bed, now lay in it" thing. He may then come back, looking for your forgiveness. You should try to decide before then if you would be willing to have him back. Just don't be a floor-mat, or set yourself up for the same hurt again later.
If you and Matt just aren't to be, don't give up on love. God said that it isn't good for us to be alone. We need each other to be a complete person.
I don't want to sound too rough, but you being Christian and Matt not may be a huge issue. Even the best non-Christian man may not carry the same value on marriage that a Christian should.
You're a good woman, for all that I've seen, and God has a perfect plan for you. I believe that that includes someone to grow old with. Follow His lead, and let yourself be open to what He puts before you. Don't let this drive you away from the best thing God has for you in the future.
Carla, I am sorry about the loss of someone you loved so much and gave your life for. Apparently, at this time, it is better to let him go than try to lie to yourself. At least, he finally came out and admitted it. (I too am a divorcee of years ago, she left me)
You do need time to heal and draw closer to God. I hope we are helpful to you and serving your needs at this time.
Believe me, I haven't had an easy life myself. I feel I fall way short of God's glory too often. I sometimes imagine God the Father and Jesus sitting there shaking their heads at me and saying "I don't know...I just don't know about this guy. Sad, so sad."
But I know better. Jesus is different. He is fully man and fully God. So he does have a perspective that is very good, yet it scares me a little. I feel like the ones who said "You are a hard man, you reap where you do not sow...."
May God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit give you peace and a full and happy life.
