Although conservatism is in & of itself the first sign/symptom of senility, there are many symptoms that help to diagnose the life-threatening malady known as conservatism. The following is a short list of those symptoms/traits:
A Conservative HATES :
...children,minorities,the poor,the elderly,the handicapped,gays,oral sex,the Clinton's,surpluses,each other,deodorant,truth/facts,peace/freedom,fresh air/water,low fuel prices,buck-toothed gerbils,pedophilia/necrophilia statutes,John McCain & Jim Jeffords,people who don't hate who & what they hate,education(especially phonics, hystory, & science!),diversity,uncooperative sheep,toothpaste,a genetically inherited instinct for cannibalism that causes them to have constant uncontrollable urges to "toss-salads",declaring wars on countries they have not sold weapons to,indoor plumbing,people who say Nascar is not a sport & the ability to turn left real fast does not make you an athlete,forgetting that bidets are not fountains,the cancellation of HEE HAW,changing underwear,their lack of reflection in mirrors,garlic,silver bullets,exorcisms,crosses that are'nt burning,I.Q. tests,the Dixie Chicks, all of the Baldwin brothers with the exception of the one who was born for the role of Barney Rubble,sharing,caring,bare-chested statues,whistle-blowers,thinking for themselves,pretzels,mouthwash,that nobody believes they saw bigfoot/aliens/Elvis,courtesy,tipping,OB-GYNs not being able to spread their love for other women,Grenada,admitting/accepting responsibilty,that God neglected to tell anyone else that he wanted Pat Robertson to run for President,equality,Cindy Sheehan,Martin Sheen,Tim Robbins,Al Franken,me...
...women,stem cell research,"fuzzy" math,real conservatives(a.k.a. Libertarians),shampoo,their track record on recessions,their responsibility for the Great Depression,funding the Veterans Administration,finding out that "he with the most toys at the end...dies",the fact that Ronald Reagan...as a President...was a great actor,counting chads in Florida,not counting chads in New Mexico,affordable prescription drugs,reading,researching,Ronnie Earle,Jimmy Carter,Larry Flynt,Jane Fonda,the Kerry's,Eleanor Clift,file-sharing,trees,the lack of nukes in outer space,Bu****'s tortured rendition of "My Pet Goat" being interrupted by a national security issue,preparing for flu season,that they have to use butt-plugs to stave-off the effects of Alzheimers,Cubans over 12 yrs. of age,that their mascot is a lumbering safari transit with a gargantuan organic "felch" straw...
...change,dissent,dissertation,dissidence,federal intrusion on states rights,states rights that don't support their claims/goals/morality/interests,confiding to their girlfriends/boyfriends/favorite barnyard animals that they have conservative penises,that their most vociferous spewers of derision are relegated to regurgitating their morose misconceptions on A.M. radio,that they have to wear sheets to hide their identities,that tornadoes are seemingly attracted to the style of homes they prefer to live in,that poor pure of heart Halliburton was fined an ungodly 7.5 MILLION$ for merely overcharging the U.S. MILITARY a paltry 67 million $ for "services received"...the bulk of which was for the oil/fuel Halliburton extracted/pillaged from Iraq, & shipped to Kuwaait for refining & then sold/overcharged to our military...all at U.S. taxpayers expense in April of '04...and they're still over there liberating to this day...at our expense(well, ours & the soldiers/human shields who have given their lives to protect Halliburton),the Kyoto Treaty, the United Nations,the Social Security Administration,Heinz ketchup,being a Secret Service Agent responsible for Boy George II's safety during a bike ride,people who don't sign "loyalty oaths",Vaseline spiked with sand,use of the Civil Defense alert system when their is an attack on U.S. soil,Michael Moore,David Brock,Paul O'Neil,Joe Wilson,James Carville,that the Bu**** Administration/regime will be regarded hystorically as the most corrupt/inept administration since...Gee Sr.'s administration...which was slightly less corrupt/inept as the Reagan/Bush admin....which was slightly less corrupt/inept as the Nixon admin...etc.,low unemployment rates,illegal immigrants intruding on the lucrative street corner flower/produce markets,that illegal immigrants are intruding on the lucrative lawn maintenance industry,drugs...except, apparently,Oxycontin & Vicodin,the Geneva Convention articles regarding torture/prisoner abuse,subscribing to the World Court for fear that Herr Bu**** & Co. may face charges as war criminals,any discourse that betrays the fact that...throughout the so-called "Clinton recession", candidate "Yoonior" proclaimed the economy he would inherit from Clinton would generate trillions of $...more than enough to defray the cost of his hand-out to his campaign donors/corporations...possibly because...any in-depth discussion pertaining to this matter might cause one to ponder...were Bushpuppet's economic advisors too inept to recognize the economy they were touting/hoping to inherit was in a state of recession...or were they just lying?,considering that aerosols,automobiles,& the industrial age could possibly have any effect on the frequency/intensity/duration of cyclical climatic change,reasoning,compromising,people who lack greed,"Big Government" they did'nt create/are in charge of,"pork-barrel projects" that don't benefit their constituents,that the Moon was'nt made of cheese for them to profit from,illumination of their correlations to fascism/the Whig Party,Howard Stern,Harriet Miers,Bu****'s uncanny resemblance to Alfred E. Newman,intellectuals,professors,dung beetles,pesticides,everyone whose families immigrated to the U.S. after theirs did,future criminal black babies,allowing the citizenry of this country a fraction of the privacy protection(s) they afford their own Administration,the seldom discussed disparaging correlations betwixt two of their most highly regarded martyrs/luminaries...Reagan & Heston, in that...
A.) Both were upstaged by Simians on film.
and...
B.) Both, while in positions of power/authority,rendered ideology that was readily absorbed by their followers (Nascar/wrestling fans,rednecks,fascists,country musicians,etc.), an ideology they developed while suffering from Alzheimers a.k.a. "brain death".
,Copernicus,adoption,children who shy-away from pictures of aborted fetuses being thrust in their face while they walk to school, sharing combs(especially with Herr Wolf****z!), "cuttin'-n-runnin'" too soon before election time,the New York Times, that he/she/it has to wake-up at 5:00 a.m. to watch Turd Nugent kill turkeys on T.V.,...
D'oh...did I forget to mention...surfing the tubular internet, pretzels, feeding poor schoolchildren with tax dollars that could be used for bombs, the irony of supporting DICK-N-BUSH to restore honor & dignity, that they were reared as children in the "Young Republicolon/NAMBLA Induction Center" hence their resonating like brown jugs on "Hee Haw" when parachuting nude, that God did not give them the wisdom/authority to determine when an acorn is an oak tree, a caterpillar is a butterfly, a tadpole is a frog, or an embryo is a viable human entity, that for all the males of their species,that Ford Excursions are bigger than Chevy Republi-burbans, that all the RepubliKLAN party leaders can be contacted rather easily with an Ouija board{<especially Barbara Olsen!}, but doing so would violate the "Patriot Act", that Reagan's legacy was thrown-out in his last diaper,uncooperative pages,the guilt they feel everytime they hear the song "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places" while cruising airport restrooms, children who just won't accept they can't afford insurance, that owning a Harley no more makes you a man than does owning a gun make you a patriot...
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