No, nothing's cracked, and yes, due to the nature of the hydraulic lifters, all the valves are closed. The lack of oil is due to the fact the thing hasn't run in almost thirty years.
Here's the problem:
Note the debris at the lower rail, just below the springs. Debris does not belong in an engine. Goopy oil, sure, carbon, even, but not pieces of things.
Those pieces are bits of black plastic- the valve seals.
One or more valve seals have self-destructed from age or bad oil or both, and have crumbled off the valve stem. Presumably I'd find more debris in the oil pan.
Now, I can start and run the thing without them- all they do is control how much oil is drawn down the valve guides and into either the intake or exhaust stream. At worst, the car would smoke and foul plugs, but it's not immediately fatal like a spun bearing or flat cam lobe.
It IS possible to fix it. There's a number of tricks to pulling the spring retainers while the head is still attached to the block. It's not easy nor much fun, but it's possible. Heck, I even have at least two bags of valve seals stashed away.
It just depends on how much time I want to put into it right now...