I've suggested to my WS from time to time that it would be nice to get another piece of jewelry. He always joked before the A that he'd get something when the engagement ring is paid off. When this all happened, the A, I suggested it would be a nice gesture if he were to buy me something and he made this joke again. I bluntly reminded him that he spent enough on the OW/A to pay off the balance of my ring 3 times over and he was never to make this joke again...it was barely funny before, now it was just sickening.
For some reason this issue of money spent is really sticking in my head as something I can't forget. And, this morning I got so angry about it that I thought of something really creative. Sell the stupid ring, that is completely meaningless and only a reminder of promises now broken. Then I'd have some money to buy myself something with - since he can't afford anything having spent all our money on the A. I don't know what I'd buy. I've never spent that much on myself unless it was a necessity like a car. I can probably only get half of what he paid for it and he'd think it was a waste - but he spent twice that on the OW and I know that was a waste!
Ok, I get it life isn't fair, but there's got to be some sense of payback - there will never be enough, but some small sense of it would be nice. Some sense that I didn't get totally shafted.
It came as sort of a spiteful thought. But, the ring apparently had much more meaning to me as a symbol of love and commitment than it did to him. I'm not sure he'd be hurt at all. If he looks hurt, maybe I'll keep it for the sake of healing. But, at a minimum I think that I just won't wear it any more.
Has anyone done something like this with their rings? Would I regret it later on?
Hello ForgandForg Hope, Firstly you are not spiteful.. saying that makes me want to tell you how wonderful you are. Second, you have a good idea and one that I and wife had for a while about melting down our old wedding rings and having them made up into something else (There is a local goldsmith who can do this for us). Third, symbols like rings can be very powerful and be physical reminders of emotional/ mental changes in our hearts/ minds. Lastly.. Hope.. You are still fighting yourself here I feel - Let it go. Let it go.. Let it go.. Please don't punish yourself by clinging so desperately to the ideas that you can solve everything and make it all fine. Please live in reality and learn to love and live with it all. You are clearly a person with such a strong and loving heart - I know this from seeing you here. Just for today please do me a favour and go out and walk around and breathe and just feel alive and well and happy. Let a little bit of sunshine into your heart dear lady.
Then.. think about making a symbol about the ring and talk to your dear hubby and see if he can get the point. Share the nitty gritty of your thoughts and particularly yoru feelings with him. Let him know even the bad feelings you have - Learn to be close and deep with him. Learn to find reality with him. Love him and your family.
may you be contented and happy Hope, sooner rather than later
Yes, we are one couple who did get rid of our wedding rings and got an entirely new set. It was my WS idea due in part because I quit wearing my wedding ring on D-Day. He always kept his on, but I took mine off. It was too painful and was a trigger to look at it.
He traded in both of our rings and bought me a bigger diamond and downgraded his--all on his own. I had nothing to do with the decision and he just brought them home to me with apologies and pleading for me to wear this set of rings. This occured about 4 months after D-Day. It ends up that seeing me not wearing my original set was a painful trigger for him, while wearing it was the same for me.
I had a friend make a comment about the ring just being a "Kobe Bryant apology". That hurt because honestly, it wasn't about the size of the diamond, and I'd rather have my original small diamond back and have never had the affair happen. However, it does help in the sense of a new, fresh start. However, we are changing everything to get that start. We changed phone numbers, email addys, and bought a new home in our current neighborhood so the kids don't have to change schools. It has all helped us both.
Ok, I rambled more than you asked for--sorry. I give you a "yes" vote--it won't solve things, but it's a good place to start, or at least it was for me. ((hugs))
Rings do play a huge part in what a marriage and commitment are suppossed to be. This is where I am on this....
My H lost his first ring while playing golf in the earlier part of our marriage...he didn't wear one for many years. I had mine and wore it all of the time. When my H left us two years before I found out of the affair-(this was when the physical part started)I thought that because he didn't have his ring it jinxed us. I wanted new rings then because I thought the rings were a big part in keeping us together. It had a blessing that was to mean something. So, we got new rings-while I thought everything was going good, he was in the beginning of the physical affair-I thought he was getting out of his mid-life crisis. The rings are beautiful.
When I found out of the affair I didn't want the rings. He bought them while he was sleeping with someone else. It was wrong. BUT, I can now look at my ring and it means more to me than ever now. It represents the true meaning of our vows...thru good times and in bad.....we have made it through a difficult time. The worst I can ever imagine that we will go through. It represents strength and a new love. A more mature love. I don't look at my ring and think of the bad anymore. I look at it everyday and think to myself, wow I can't believe what we have been thru, I am still married to the man I have always loved.
Wierd how these things affect you. I stopped wearing my wedding ring on D Day and put it back on, on and off depending on how I felt week to week. Sometimes I wanted it there, sometimes I couldn't bear to look at it. I have a new (cheap) ring I wear in its place sometimes. Somehow having something there that doesn't have the same triggers and is more "disposable" mirrors how I feel about the relationship.
I'm going through the wear it/don't wear it right now. H stopped wearing it when the A started and I never noticed. He told me about the A and I stopped wearing mine and put it with his. Then, as his A continued, because I felt alone, I wore it around my neck to remind me that someone, at one time, thought me loveable, but I didn't tell H. When he spotted it around my neck, his first repsone was that it was creepy. When I explained why, he said it was sweet.
Then, a few weeks ago, I stopped weating it. He told me the A was not going to end and I flung the ring at him, telling him to give it to the OW. He told me to stop being overdramatic and gave it back. Without his knowledge, I took it off the chain and returned it to where his was (I wasn't being dramatic when I threw it, I meant it). Well, he just recently noticed I wasn't wearing it and asked why. I told him it hurt too much. He never asked where it was.
As for whether I would wear ours if we get back together, I am torn. Part of me sees it as part of our vows - for better or worse - as they were blessed at our ceremony. But, they are also a reminder of a marriage that didn't work and, if we get back together, it will be a different marriage and deserves a different symbol. It would also be a sign of a fresh start.
If we get back together, though, there will be a new snag when it comes to his wearing a ring. He has changed career paths and will be in a job where others knowing he is married (i.e. bad guys) could put me in danger (i.e. they know he has a weakness that could be expolited). My uncle was a cop who never wore a wedding band or had family pics at work for just that reason. So, there is real possibility he may never wear my ring again. But, because of what we are going through now, I think I would insist on the compromise of him wearing his in dress uniform. It is an important symbol, IMHO.
I'm typing this out w/out having had my first pot of coffee Hope, so my apologies if it's fuzzy.
My H didn't tell me he threw away his ring after DDay, I think because he didn't want to deal with anymore tears of regret from me. I was also terrified of him having a revenge A since he went away to his remote job for 2 weeks at a time and had confided in several girls at the local espresso shop about my infidelity, and told me they'd been flirty. I had in my head that at least if he was wearing his ring it would make it harder for him to have a revenge A. Stupid thought, since it didn't stop me from cheating....either he had integrity of self or he didn't. Anyway...
He went w/out a ring for the first year and I didn't push it. I finally figured out it wasn't "lost" and accepted that, because of all I'd put him through. Of course his ring meant nothing to him.
He didn't push for new ones, and I told him I wanted to keep mine. In part because we were incredibly broke at the time and I didn't feel justified in getting anything new for myself, and in part because I felt very strongly about my ring and the past it represented. I knew the person I was when he put those rings (engagement and wedding) on my finger, and I had hope I could have that character of person BACK that I had when I promised him he'd be my one and only forever. I didn't want to give that up.
We ended up getting him another ring, I think it was at the 2 year mark if memory serves me right. We picked it out together and he was positive about the experience. It was very healing for us both, I think. And it was a nicer ring since our finances had improved.
Another thing he did as soon as our finances improved was buy a new cell phone for himself, and then we bought a new truck for him too. He wanted the practical older 4 door truck but I pushed for the nicer newer extended cab because it looked nicer and was faster, and I knew he'd always wanted a faster truck that he was excited to get it...but he'd never been able to afford it because he sacrificed for his family. I was hoping to take away some of the resentment for that.
We also moved to another neighborhood where no one knew our history, and he ended up with a new job where no one knew, and both of those moves have been very healing for us. I "feel" like a new woman, and it's nice to be able to live that role completely and not worry what others are thinking in the back of their minds about me.
Buying the house was because there was no room for the twins in the current house though, not because of the A's, and his new job was not conciously sought out because of the A, it was the result of his previous job taking a turn for the worse, none of it A related. But both have been great turns on our road of healing and I'm thankful for them.
You're angry right now Hope, I can hear it in your voice. You're entitled to that. My H was really angry for a LONG time. But don't stay that way too long, ok? It can eat away at you, hun.
Tiffany and I have both been wearing new wedding bands since the end of last year. We put the old ones in our firesafe box. They represent part of our history which we would both do well not to forget, and not to repeat. So, we don't want to destroy them or sell them.
I posted about getting our new wedding bands a while ago...here's a link to the post.
I am one who threw her wedding ring away..5 years ago..
My H lost his ring on the golf course...about the time the long term A started...I suggested that he get a new ring when he was in the middle of his A...he turned white...I knew there was something going on that was a confirmation for me...he has never expressed an interest in a new ring so neither have I.
Right now I wear a variety of rings ...on my left hand but no wedding ring...
I have the diamond that my H gave me for an engagement ring ...took the stone and reset it as a pinky ring..but hardly wear it...
Hope many women trade their diamond in for a larger stone..the diamond is bought by their H for an anniversary or special event so there is still the meaning involved...
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I'm going to try not to make this sound negative...here's my story. D-day 1 was october 2003...I kept my ring on as did he. In December of 2004 after 2 more d-days...I think - we traded my anniversary ring in and we bought him a new ring and me new rings. I loved them! Beautiful rings! We definitely upgraded into a style that suited me better.
In February of 2006 I found out he was still in communication with OW (d-day5) and I took my rings off and put them away. He didn't notice for over 2months and when he did notice he hit the roof...berated me for the entire day (Easter). It took me until July of 2006 before I put them back on. The anniversary ring felt tainted...this ring...it is beautiful but no longer holds that 'special' feeling.
Everyone is different...you do for you....what YOU feel is right!
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
Ok...my story is negative. I still have a lot of anger and pain. But here it goes.
The early morning of December 17th, 2005 (2 days before my Bday) my H admitted to his A. I took the ring off and threw it at him as hard as I could. It landed (I think) behind the big screen tv and I have never seen it since then. I know he has it somewhere but I have not asked for it. I wore that ring through EVERYTHING. I never took it off except when I was dealing with groundbeef (in making hamburger patties or meatballs). That ring was the thing I would feel for whenever I felt nervious or anxious about something. When H was not there, I would twirl my ring around my finger and felt his presence even when he was not there (Dr. appointments, family situations, new job, etc.). Even when I was driving in my car I would think about him and twirl my ring around my finger. I was so proud to wear that ring. My daughter would admire it and ask me if that ring would be hers the day I die (of course it would be hers). The sad thing is that my daughter has not even questioned why I don't wear it anymore. My gut tells me that she knows something from H and my "discussions". The funny thing now is that H wears his ring all the time. I think it has fused to his finger. In the past he lost his first ring. Then the second ring, he would take off and on. I would find it here and there, and he would give me excuses as to why he took it off. To this day I do believe why he would take it off in the past. His job requires him to work with his hands and sometimes there are wires involved. But I also believe that taking it off became too comfortable for him whereas for me, I felt naked without it.
If my M moves foward, I know that I do not want a ring anymore. He can offer me another piece of jewelry, but I don't want a ring. A ring is a symbol of fidelity and to me wearing one now feels like.....a lie (not sure if that's the right word). But that is just me and how my little brain works. Sorry to ramble on.
Thanks for all of the input! It really helped to hear that everyone had one story or another. Oh...I just want to throw it out the window - and some of you did! Ha, ha! It made me so happy to hear that! If it fits him, I'm going to make him wear MY wedding band. The one he gave me when he made the now broken committment that the ring stood for.
And I have worn them and sometimes I take them off. They are off right now and I think that's the way they are going to stay for awhile.
Hope - thank you for your post. It has provoked an interesting strand and I'm sure will generate discussion for my wife and I. Laura, thank you for yours too - you give this FWS hope for the future.
As I said, I am an FWS, and I have not taken my ring off, pretty much from the day I got it to the present. I kept it on through the A. While that sickens me to think about now, I know that I kept it on very intentionally. Through the fog, it was still a beacon that helped bring me home. I could not take it off.
As for my wife, the BS, she made a very moving gesture with a ring not terribly long after D-Day. When she was pregnant, she had to take off her wedding and engagement rings (which are fused together)because they fit very tightly, and she didn't want them to have to get cut off. We got her a silver thumb ring with an inscription on it ("I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine"). She wore it on her ring finger as, in essence, a pregnancy wedding ring. Then after our child was born, she switched it to her thumb, where she has worn it for years. After D-Day, she took off the thumb ring and gave it to me. She told me that she wanted me to wear the ring until we could have a recommittment ceremony, when I had earned her back. At that time, I could take the ring, which I wear on my pinky next to my wedding ring, and return it to her. It was this this part of the story which is why I call myself "recommitted."
It is now many months later. I continue to wear the ring on my pinky. I feel the weight of it, and the meaning. It carries with it my marriage and our children, and is infused with meaning. It is slightly too large for my pinky, so I have to hold my hand a little differently to make sure I never lose it. That is a bit uncomfortable, but a slight reminder of the discomfort I caused. My wife's gesture was so meaningful. I cannot wait to give her back the ring, as that will mean we have come so far. And at the same time, I know that ultimately, I will miss having it on too. I think this idea of a different kind of ring during our period of recovery has been very important, and it is something others might want to think about.
As for my wife's ring, she has had temptations to take it off too. It is complicated - we can't really melt it down, as my grandfather - who was one of the most sincere, well meaning gentlemen one could come across - gave it out of deepest love for my grandmother. I know it is hard sometimes for my wife, but it makes me so proud that she still wears it - proud of her for the courage that takes, and pride in myself, that a woman so beautiful, inside and out, would wear my ring, even after what I did.
To all of you, may your recommittments come true, and be lasting, and may your FWS' earn the rings that come with them, whether they are the originals or not.
My H wore his ring all through the A. However on d day (2000) I took mine off and the longer I left it off the more repulsed I was towards it. I started throwing around comments that I wanted new rings for my 30th wedding Anv. in 2003. We started looking but the wedding Anv. came and I still hadn't made up my mind whether I wanted one or not. A jeweller examined H's ring and the diamond was actually chipped. A few months after our 30th wedding Anv. we had H's ring melted down and my diamond put in the new ring they constructed and I bought a new one. Since he is the one that tarnished our marriage I told him that the diamond I had wasn't tarnished and I expected him to keep it as a clean symbol for the rest of our marriage.
Hope, I like your idea of him wearing MY ring. I could see it being a true test of his commitment to me (if we ever get to that place again, sigh) if he wore it with his dog tags (though he has lost those once too. Silly man ). It would be a nice reminder that there is someone out there who is committed to him and who is committed to in return).
We got news one on our last anniversary. I dont wear the old ones. They have no meaning. They once represented our fidelity and love for one another...since he cheated and broke those vows they are useless. One day I will trade them in or have something else made. Right now I am not ready to do that.
When I took my old rings off my WH was also furious. Why is that? My WH was also taking his off prior to d-day. So why does he get mad when I dont wear mine? I didnt break our vows, he did <shaking head in disbelief>.
Eventually I think I would like a recommittment ceremony. I am not ready now and wont be for several years, if we make it that long, lol. But it would be nice if things do work out.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Jetta,
Part of your post jumped out at me. You said that your H couldn't wear his ring at work because of the work he does. That was the same issue my H had when he worked at his remote job. He worked for a natural gas operation facility and a lot of work he did maintaining the facility involved wiring or working with machinary that could catch his ring and tear his finger clean off. So he would take off his ring and put it on his keychain and put it back on when he was on the plane ride home.
It used to bother me when I was going through that paranoid state I described earlier, afraid of a Revenge A, but after I felt more secure in our M it didn't matter to me and I understood his reasons for not wearing it....even though he went out to dinner in the evenings to the camps where cooks supplied meals, and it was co-ed, I knew my H was devoted to me and the M and it didn't matter if he had a piece of gold on his finger telling everyone else or not. Totally different mindset than when I felt insecure about our M because I'd almost driven him away for good.
The truth is ring or no ring, if somebody wants to cheat, they will. My exH didn't wear his ring and after dday I made him put it on and wear it 24/7 while I took mine off and put them in a drawer. They are still in that drawer and I can't part with them.
He was still continuing in the affair after dday even with the ring on his hand. He still hand sex in my bed. It isn't about the ring, it isn't about the vows.....it is about the person whom you thought you could trust who lied and deceived you.
In fact, affairs hurt just as much when there are no wedding vows and people are living together in a relationship rather than married and exchanged vows.
What I am trying to say is that when you break it down the rings had nothing to do with it. I know it hurts to look at them now, just as it hurt me to look at wedding pictures or to look at the bed they had sex in, but to me it is more a trigger than anything else. You look at the ring and remember its symbolism and the memories that it holds and that hurts.
Don't get rid of something now that you may regret later. Meaning that if you aren't trading the ring in on a new one that represents a newer stronger marriage being rebuilt, then perhaps you should wait. If you really really think it will make you feel better than I would wait a few months and if you still feel exactly the same way then pawn it and go spend the money on whatever you decide.
Hope my rambling made sense, I just got back from out of town and am a bit tired.
It's true. It doesnt matter if the WS wears a ring or not. The ring will not keep them from cheating. To some single OWs it may even represents a challenge. For me, it is the meaning that goes with the ring that is upsetting and hurtful. Rings are a symbol of fidelity and love, as stated in my wedding vows. Those vows have been broken, and the ring is a reminder of that, a trigger of sorts. That's why so many of us take them off. They are tainted and tarnished and no longer hold the meaning they once did. It is painful to wear them, or even look at them after d-day.
The new rings do not hold the same meaning...I accepted them graciously because my WH wanted to buy them for me. To me, they are just a gift...no special meaning attached to them at all.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Thanks kid....I think holding on to the ring for a while is probably a good idea. I can always decide to sell it later. I'm just not wearing it for now.
There's something about looking at them as a trigger or getting a new one and it being a reminder that its not the original its like its always a trigger. Maybe holding onto the old one is the better idea.
Well thanks everyone for giving me ideas and knowing I'm not alone in these thoughts. You've been very helpful.
My H came to me not long after dday and gave me a beautiful pair of diamond earrings! He then said they were worth more than he had spent on the other women. He felt this was one way he could "show" me the remorse he felt for what he had done. I have always felt a bit funny about them, but not enough so as to not wear them.
About a year after dday my H asked if I would marry him again! So a few days before our thirtyfirst anniversary, I didn't even want to do it on the same day, we said new vows to each other and got new rings. I had stopped wearing mine the moment he told me everything. I also had him throw his in the trash because he wore his while he was with others. I couldn't stand the thought of ever seeing or touching his ring again! It was trash so out with the trash it went!!!!
Next October we will celebrate our 37th anniversary. We celebrate the second date not the first. We are one of the lucky couples here who have made life together better than ever!
It has been a long hard road with many pot holes along the way. The man I am married to is not the man I married thirysix years ago. This man is a man of strength and character. I am proud of and admire this man. He is a man who sees and admits his faults and works hard to overcome them. He is growing in Christ everyday. We both thank God everyday for the man he is today, not who he was yesterday, or who he might be tomorrow. We take it one day at a time, that is all any of us can do.
He has this quote on his mirror so he can see it every morning...
I may not be the man I should be or the man, with Christ's help, I someday will be, but thank God I am not the man I used to be!
Martin Luther King Jr.
Life is good, It's been awhile BT and I say Hi to everyone!!!!
Lynndie
The other day he asked me when I stopped wearing my rings. I was glad he even noticed. I told him they were a trigger for how he spent more on his A than on the ring and it just made me sick to look at it. We had a conversation about it a little later and I got over it. I've been wearing the ring again. I'm a little like Lynndie, I want to make him take his ring off for symbolic reasons, but for practical reasons it just doesn't seem to make sense that he walk around without a ring.
My h can't wear his ring at work either. When he first went to this new plant I wondered why because I had never heard of that before since he worked in the office area. I wanted him to wear it because I thought it would somehow keep all the women away. Now, I figure that no matter if he wears it or not, anything can happen. I can only hope that he has changed, that he sees what he almost lost because of the poor choices he made and he knows what the boundaries are. So far, I think I can trust what he says by what his actions are. I am also gaining confidence in who we are as individuals and as a couple.
Unusually both myself and my W had engagement rings (although hers more expensive than mine). My WS kept her rings on throughout the A, which I don't know what that means (if anything) and has kept them on ever since. After DD1 (an ONS) I decided to send my (white gold) engagement ring in to the jewellers to be polished and cleaned and rhodium plated etc, so that it would be "as new". For some reason my engagement ring has always been slightly closer to my heart than my wedding band - possibly because it was chosen by her for me, rather than plain, or perhaps because it is a more private symbol (people don't instinctively think that the ring on my right hand [I swapped hands once we married] has meaning) between us.
However, DD2 (the A) came while the ring was still at the jewellers. They've called to let me know its ready to collect now. I haven't gone yet - I'll go next week - but even when I do, I don't think I can wear it. My WS doesn't know I feel like this yet.
As for my wedding band, I'm surprised no-one has commented much on the issue of people noticing. I don't want everyone to know that my marriage is falling apart, not if it can be salvaged. I don't think I could cope with someone asking me why I wasn't wearing it.
I don't think anyone notices when you stop wearing a wedding band or, maybe, they don't feel comfortable commenting. I haven't worn mine on my finger for months, yet it was noticably around my neck for half that time. I have had no one comment. I could joke that it is because computer engineers don't notice that type of things (that's where I work), but I have to admit that it hurts that no one has noticed. It is like no one cares if you are married or values the institution anymore.
Then again, if I saw someone without their usual ring, I don't know what I would say to them.
I went without mine for about 18 months. No one commented on it to me, except my wife. She asked me to put it back on when I took it off, then again a couple months later, but that was it. I thought for certain my mother would notice, but she didn't. In the mean time it was sent to a jeweler and enlarged because it was always a little too tight.
I've noticed other people not wearing theirs at times, but I don't normally ask about it. I guess it doesn't take much to realize that there are either problems in the relationship or there is a simple explaination. If it's the former, then most people would feel uncomfortable talking to you about that.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Jun 16, 2007 10:27 AM
Either its at the jewelers getting cleaned or that's what I'd say. It's sort of like asking - how are you doing...you just say "fine". You don't say - I caught my husband in an affair and it broke my heart, I thought I'd really sock it to him and get back at him by taking off my ring! You say - its at the jewelers getting cleaned.
sometimes this whole thing seems so unreal and ridiculous...
or since your likely on the affair diet and have lost weight you could always say you have to get it resized since it has been falling off your finger. They don't need to know the part about the affair diet, let them think you earned the slim and trim physique the old fashion way.
yah... I was on that diet and my ring did feel funny. But, I switched back to finding comfort in food and have regained most of what I lost. But, your statement for most others probably holds true!
My W took her wedding and engagement rings off the day she told me she was "ending" our M (about a week before she started cheating on me with the OW and a month before D-day). I kept them in a box. She started wearing them again after she came back.
I wore mine the whole time.
I had thought that if our story ended in divorce, I would wear mine on a chain around my neck, like Frodo and the One Ring, LOL.
I'm right with you, sista. I am thinking of selling my engagement ring/wedding band set to get some money. Personally, I don't think that I will regret selling them. I regret wasting all these years on him. If you didn't read my post, I was informed that Ohio has a girlfriend, a woman he was going to marry 20 years ago, living with him. She is still married and has two children from two different men. Ohio was going to marry her when she was pregnant with her first child, the father ran off when he found out she was pregnant. They never did for some reason. Ten years ago, she came back into his life and I told him to choose me or her. He cut off all contact with her, supposedly. I think now that he continued to contact her behind my back because of some unexplained cell phone calls and such and how it is "coincidental" that back in April he went to CA to visit and she just "happened" to be there. I found out from one of his co-workers that he was talking about her one month after he left me and the kids, so I think he has been in contact for quite some time, even before my affair occurred.
I would ditch them and get some money for yourself and spend it on yourself. He told that same co-worker that he was TIRED of living for everyone else and that he was going to start LIVING for himself. Take a page from his book and spoil yourself with your money. If down the road things between you and your WS mend, then you could always buy new ones and make new vows, if you are ever to that point.
Just my opinion, something that I will probably do myself (sell the rings that is).
I give you a "yes" vote--it won't solve things, but it's a good place to start, or at least it was for me. ((hugs))
