Not sure if any of you other than Sunflower will remember me. For those who do.. I just wanted to let them know that, as of last friday, my wife is now a resident of a care facility.. that's just another name for a Nursing Home. It's killing me.... married my college sweetheart 28 years ago.... and now... I can't even take care of her. And.. as much as I was concerned that I might stray.... nope.. so far so good....
This message has been edited by Old_Missouri_Mule on Aug 26, 2007 11:42 PM
I just wanted to acknowledge you for taking the step for getting the proper care for your wife. A friend of mine is watching her father feel responsible for taking care of his wife, but he is so distraught that he is not doing it so well, which means ultimately she's not getting the care she needs.
I don't know your story but I am glad to hear that you have not strayed. It is a little hard to hear that you still worry about it, but the other side is that maybe its because you worry about it that you are able to stay focused even in such a challenging situation.
Thank you for sharing this...even to someone who doesn't know about you, your story has many messages and I thank you for sharing them.
I do remember you, and your love and loyalty to your W.
I am so sorry things have progressed in this way. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, you are only human and your ability to give her the medical care she now requires is not a failing in you. She is very lucky to have such a wonderful husband.
I, too, remember you. How are the kids doing with this new development? Don't you have one child who is still pretty young? This must be a very difficult time for all of you. Situations like this would test the reserves of most people, I admire your strength and courage. I admire the obvious love you have for your wife.
No one needs to remind you to take it one day and one step at a time - no doubt you're are a master at that by now - but just know we care and the loving thoughts and prayers of many are with you each step of the way.
I'm sorry that the MS has progressed like this. I always hope for the best to happen. I'm glad that you haven't strayed or done anything to feel that you've betrayed her or yourself. I'm wondering what wisdom you can share about this struggle with a need for companionship. I've heard some people say that through this they developed an even deeper relationship with their spouse than ever before, simply because the situation allows them to learn a new way of relating that goes mere beyond words and tangible interaction. Has that happened for you and your wife?
Thanks for posting the update. Even if it's not the best news, it's good to hear that you're making it through this nightmare.
You will never know how much your story touched my heart. I lived through a very hard time frame when my mom left dad for her best friend's H. My dad was retired for a few years because of a hereditary disease which is very similar to MS.I know the heartache of infidelity and the awful responsibility of finding suitable care for my dad when he desperately needed it. Watching the disease hit him hard physically and mentally with the added trauma of the infidelity was very painful for me to watch.
Knowing that there are people who have integrity and are devoted in good times and bad is heart warming. My mom used me in her path to exit the marriage. She cried to me continuously about feeling guilty about her inability to care for dad. I used to reassure her that it was OK to have some one take care of his physical needs and put him in a nursing home. The truth about her guilt came out when she moved out with OM and I was left with a physically and mentally broken dad. I thank God for the 24 hour care he had in the home even though at times nurses worried about his suicidal state of mind.
My H lived through this pain and heartache with me but wasn't too understanding. I thought it was because I had more of a bond with my parents than he did. However in the year 2000, 6 years after my parents split, our d day was uncovered. My H understood my mom because he was lurking around too. 2002 my dad died and today my mom is battling a serious disease of her own. She is still with OM even though this has taken quite a toll on each of them.
I have 2 grown children and they do not know about my H's roving. We have worked overtime on our marriage for the last 7 years.
I know what a disease of this magnitude can do to loved ones. The hereditary disease has taken 2 bothers of mine at the ages of 40, my dad and is debilitating a young niece and other family members right now.
I know one fact for sure and that no matter what stage your wife is at she will feel your love, loyalty and devotion when ever you are near her. People like you are the kind of people I admire and respect. The self respect and self worth you will gain from being the rock your wife so desperately needs is priceless. You are a good person so be proud of yourself and hold your head high. The help you are getting with her physical needs will free you up to be the loving H she needs.
David, you knew this day was coming, but it sure doesn't make it any easier, does it. I'm sorry. I admire your strength of character and devotion you're showing to your wife. She is so blessed to have you by her side.
How are the kids handling it? Is J upset, or does she understand? You and your W are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you posted.
Thank you all so much for your kind replies. I guess those twins are growing like weeks, huh Sunflower? J is doing as well as a 14 year old girl can do with her mom in a nursing home. She's grown up with the knowledge that it would eventually happen, but the reality is far worse than expectation. I've been keeping her very busy with the Community Theater group.... since she is so incredibly small for her age... it seems to be an excellent way for her to cope.. and it helps me to keep my mind on other things. That being said..... sometimes I find myself crying for no reason... I mean, I'll be fine.. going about my normal everyday life, when I will suddenly and unexpectedly start crying. It's so hard to watch her deteriorate....
TomJ asked: I'm wondering what wisdom you can share about this struggle with a need for companionship. I've heard some people say that through this they developed an even deeper relationship with their spouse than ever before, simply because the situation allows them to learn a new way of relating that goes mere beyond words and tangible interaction. Has that happened for you and your wife?
Tom, I'm not sure that I am the person to ask about wisdom. I struggle every day just to cope with watching W's deterioration. I have tried to keep myself busy with other interests... especially Church and Community Theater. I won't lie and say that the thought of having intimacy hasn't crossed my mind from time to time.... but every time I have those thoughts, I find that I am filled with the most intense sense of guilt. I feel guilt in the fact that I can still walk, feed myself, drive, and even wipe my own backside. Why didn't I come down with this disease? Why did it happen to her? Then I feel guilt simply because ... in my mind at least.... when I ask God why it happened to W..... that I am also asking.. why not someone else. Nobody deserves to have this.. or any other.. disease.
Yes.. in many ways this disease has brought us closer together. But, it has also separated us from one another... physically. God, how I miss holding her in my arms .... making love with her. Talking with our priest has given me a great deal of comfort, but I also know that it's up to ME to see this through to the end. Someday, when the Lord calls her home, at least I will be able to consider entering into some other relationship .. one that hasn't been tainted.
I think coming here, and reading the posts of others has helped me more than any of you know. When my mind .. my thoughts.. start to wander in areas that would mean betrayal on my part.. I come here. I can only guess the pain.. the sense of betrayal.. and yet, the sense of forgiveness and healing that you all go through every day. Please know... that your kindness.. your generosity, has been a source of strength for me.
Although I have neither been betrayed nor have I been the betrayer.. I pray that nobody objects to my presence here. You have all been a gift from God to me.
David,
I can sense your pain in your posts, and I'm so sorry for your hurt...the immense guilt you feel whenever you question why it was S who was afflicted...you need to be kinder to yourself, David. You are carrying a heavy burden on your shoulders now, and feeling those things isn't a blemish on your character. It's a testament to your human nature.
I am thankful that you come here to read on occasion. You aren't a bad man for feeling tempted, especially with the depth of lonliness you are feeling right now. But I sensed that in our chats, dear David, and that was one of the main reasons I urged you to post here awhile ago....I think so many people don't realize the destruction that comes along with betrayal of marriage vows...they can think about how hard it would be, but mentally realizing is so different than the hurt that sears through a heart when a spouse betrays; and I never could have sufficiently explained that to you and have you hear it the way you can hear it in the posts here on this board from Betrayed Spouses.
Friend, I have worried about you and what you've been dealing with these past couple years. You are so kind and giving, and also reaching such a vulnerable place, that it concerned me greatly that you would "slip". I never wanted you to feel the guilt and self-loathing I have felt as a person who revoked her marital vows.
Thank you for having the courage to post here and show your vulnerable nature. You haven't done anything wrong, anything to be ashamed of, in your marriage. And you should wear that faithfulness as a badge of honor.
Future blessings to you and your precious family,
Sun
