Hi everyone, Ive been gone for a while but now I find myself in need of all of you infinite wisdom again. I try to live a very boring life but end up in the most messes. So heres a question I bet you all have never heard before.
I gave my fiance the boot about 2 months ago and had gotten over the worst of the greiving process. He didn't make it easy with the constant phone calls and stopping by just to see how I was etc. I was keeping my distance and really getting myself together and feeling pretty good.
Now as you remember we own a business together so we have to work together at least 25% of the time putting contracts together etc. so we have to see each other.
I am planning to transition myself out of this business so in the meantime I just started a new job full time but I am still working with him evenings and saturdays.
He has been gradually getting closer and coming around more as a friend which I missed that side of him very badly because we were very good friends before we became romantically involved.
He came over a couple of saturdays and worked so we ended up having dinner and watching a movie and each time he went home afterwards.
The question is this.... I came home after work and found he had moved back into my house. I was so stunned I couldnt even say anything. What the heck is this???? Has anyone else had anything like this happen??? Suggestions please??
Thanks dancin-gal, I know your probably right, but this sends me to a new level of hurt, you know what I mean?
I miss my best friend and now he's going to make it impossible to even have that.
It's like having to go through it all over again, and Im already so weak. Just too darn tired.
I needed to hear you say that, because the more I think about it the more angry Im getting and thats a good thing because thats when I stick to my guns and do whats best for me(especially when it doesnt feel good at the time). And being angry at this point is the only way I can gather the strength.
Dont quite know exactly how Im going to handle this yet, but thanks for getting me back on track!
that's totally crazy. i can't even believe he had the nerve to do that. where was he living before. Stick to you guns. I agree with Pat he is taking advantage of you
He was living at his mothers house. I guess he thinks I will just let him stay to avoid conflict. I'm still so stunned I cant seem to get my bearings. I have to be strong and be able to deal with the blow up that will no doubt take place when I let him know this isnt going to fly but I made it worse by not saying something the minute I realized it. He's been here 4 days, my schedule was crazy and I had alot to think about getting set up in the new job so I just didnt deal with it. He had dinner made when I got home 2 of the nights.
This is so bizarre I still cant believe its not some stupid dream.
We have been getting along as really good friends and that all. We agreed to stay civil after we broke up because of the work situation and it had been going well.
We had been getting closer but just as friends as far as I could tell, I was really comfortable, but we never talked about getting back together at all, so this came out of the blue.
This is really bad. I can't imagine asking him to do it the first time and then having to ask/tell him again! He has really put you in a bad position by not COMMUNICATING with you. Maybe you can think of this as an opportunity to improve your friendship. I'm not exactly sure how, because he's been there for 4 days. But I think that if you follow the straight talk with no emotion or judgement that you will be fine being truthful and authentic in expressing your needs and feelings.
Something like..."We need to talk about you moving in without talking to me and why I let you stay here without telling you how uncomfortable I am with it. This whole issue was born out of not communicating. And here "we" are not communicating again."
He will be validated to know that you missed the friendship that you had with him earlier in your relationship. Reinforcing that you enjoy that and want to continue that will help both of you move forward without anger.
Oh dear...he may be embarrassed to return to his mother's house. Is there anyway that you can move to another location? Then he would have a clear boundary of it being your place vs. "our" house. Help him come up with a story to tell his mom so he can go back with his head held high.
Conflict is an opportunity to improve your relationship - it doesn't have to involve anger, yelling, and bitterness. That can be managed if one of us - usually me- takes on the role of setting the emotion aside. I Prepare myself, envision my self as calm and in control. I make my goal to have a solid conversation. I guess I'm saying don't make your goal to get him out, make it to improve communication and you might find that he comes up with a plan to leave.
Our last conversation went really well. He asked if I was going to blow up. I told him that I was prepared and me intent was not to blow up, scream, yell, or cry. I told him, that I was tired, losing weight, and felt fragile so no guarantees. But, we could stop if I started to lose it. Several times in the conversation I had to put my hand on his knee and tell him to stop so I could take a deep breath. To give you a framework for the intensity of the conversation, I was giving him space to tell me about a second affair although I didn't know it at the time. I thought he may have talked to more people on the phone, I didn't realize he had two girlfriends in the time frame that I had thought he'd been with just one person. I didn't cry, I didn't yell at him, and we are in a better place for it.
I hope you have a good conversation with him and that it helps to build your friendship rather than leave you more emotionally drained. Good luck....
Hi, we haven't met before but I used to come here a lot. Would not have got through it without the wonderful people on this site.
Your post caught my eye because I have dealt with this one, the wrong way, and many times I've thought about what I could have done differently. That one didn't cheat on me, he was abusive though.
So anyway, my thoughts on what I would do differently if I could go back:
I would grab some boxes, throw everything in them and either leave him a note or tell him to his face, "Hey, I found these things around the house and figured you wanted them."
Say it nicely and leave it at that. Play dumb. He would be instantly 'unmoved' in and then what could he do? Ask you why you packed up his stuff? What stuff? This is yours, I didn't think you'd want to leave it HERE. Play dumb. He has only been there for 4 days so he hasn't really moved in.
Throw all his stuff in boxes and put it on the porch to put back in his car. Heck of a hint I'd say.
And, I doubt that would end the relationship, but he would definitely know that he overstepped his boundaries. And you would still be the nice guy!
Hope this helps and don't wait any longer or it WILL be too late. I know. It turned into 10yrs of he$$.
There are people who do not have a 'normal' understanding of boundaries. An affair might be considered a boundary issue. There are cases where a wayward spouse doesn't seem to understand that the affair is not acceptable.
Moving in to a person's home without first discussing it is a major boundary issue.
While my wife holds responsiblity for her participation in her affair, the OM was a boundary violator. He put my wife in the position of having to reject his advances in ways that went beyond 'normal' romantic advances. When she expressed any desire to not participate, or when he sensed any reluctance on her part, we would either ignore it or address it in a manipulative way.
As a neighbor, he had done this with me as well. One time (long before D-day) I went to his house to ask to borrow some planks to use as supports for a project I was working on. He offered to help, which I accepted, but he soon was taking over my project. At the time I didn't enforce my boundaries on him, I avoided the confrontation, and he did not dp the project like I wanted it done. In hindsight I should have told him so and said that I only wanted his help. However, it seemed 'easier' to get him out of there by letting him "finish", then tearing it apart and redoing it myself.
I don't think you're in a situation like that. You have to face this directly and stand up for what you want. You could start by asking him what his intentions are in moving in, because it sounds a lot like he might be trying to rekindle the relationship. However, you should defend and require the living situation that you want, whether or not you're interested in the eventual resumption of the relationship.
The only thing strange going on, IMFO, is his bold assumption that just because you have treated him pleasantly he can move back into YOUR home. That kind of arrogance and false assumption is frightening to me.
I would say that you have several options.
1. Change the locks (or rekey them) while he is gone, and then leave all his belongings on the porch.
2. Tell him that you do not appreciate his moving back, UNASKED, into YOUR home and that you want the keys back and him out NOW.
3. Tell him to get out or you will call the police and have him removed.
4. Present him with a bill for rent--make it exorbitant.
5. Tell him that if he has a problem being honest with his mother about why you kicked him out in the first place, then he has his reason why you don't want him as a fiance or roommate--you can't trust him to be honest and above-board.
I'm sure there are other scenarios. The bottom line is that he has shown tremendous gall in moving in without your permission. Do you want to be a patsy for him? Do you feel used? Why do you feel you must protect him? What kind of a friend is he to you, really, if he treats you with so little consideration?
Just my fairy cents' worth and a huge empowering fairy hug,
