The History
12 years ago my H had an A. I had done a slow spiral into depression that neither one of us noticed to the point of withdrawing from both him and my kids. He blamed me for his loneliness and isolation, told me he didn't know if he loved me, thought he married me to spite his mother, I was a bad housekeeper, I was a bad mother, etc. and when OW showed him attention....yada yada yada. He did the fence sitting thing for 6 months and I was on an emotional roller coaster the entire time. I finally got to the point (after he brought her into our bed while the kids and I were visiting my dying grandfather) that I could not endure the emotional devastion any longer and demanded a divorce. Gave him the choice of mediation or attorneys and he chose mediation. On the day we walked into the mediators office (also a psycholigist) he claimed he loved me and did not want a divorce and wanted to work through things. I blew a gasket right there in the office and said absolutely no more. The mediator did her job and calmed me down. Scheduled separate appointments with us and came to the determination that we could possible work things out.
(I was skeptical at best because we had done MC and both IC and it went nowhere. Everytime we had a session things seemed to take a step forward and then he would talk with OW and we would take two steps back.) Dr. managed to talk me into one last try and told him that he absolutely could not continue seeing OW in any way or this would not work and that he had sworn to her during a private session that our marriage was more important to him than OW. After that appointment as we were walking back to the car he told me that he couldn't just end it abruptly because he couldn't hurt her like that and I would have to deal with them being friends. Bam, kicked in the gut again. At the next session Dr. told him that he absolutely could not be friends with OW, that once he had crossed the line there was no going back to friendship, that he could not communicate with OW in any way, that he had to behave as if she did not exisit, and if he would not write a letter right then and there ending the relationship that she was putting her mediators hat back on and we were proceding with the divorce. He wrote the letter, she had me add my thoughts (he sure didn't like that and she mailed it. We worked with Dr. and got through the anger, distrust, and all the after effects of an A to build a stonger, happier marriage.
Fast forward to 09/02/07.
He was sent to Australia in November for a six week TDY to fill a position while the company we both work for looked for a replacement. Well, here we are today and he is still in AUS as they never found a replacement. In March I went over for three weeks and things were great and he only had about 3 weeks left. Then the replacement they had lined up fell through and they asked him to stay till the end of Sept. He came home in May for 10 days and things felt "off" but I just attributed it to jet lag and stress. The kids and I went over in June for the summer. Things were still "off". I kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. We both work for the same company and I was assisting on the project during my stay. The expats over there had developed a routine of having dinner or drinks together several times a week as they are all over there without their families. Aussies would join off and on as family committments allowed, except for one that was at every gathering and an outrageous flirt to boot. It did not take me long to figure out who the OW was. Little things told the tale, and one evening when I said "I Love You" he could not look me in the eye and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek with no verbal response. Finally I confronted him and told him that I needed to know if he loved me, in he wanted to be married, and if he did then he needed to end the relationship with the OW immediately (in writing) and get into IC. He started in with the all the same reasons as before with the loneliness and isolation being caused by distance this time, but that he had been unhappy for quite a while. I stopped him in his tracks and told him that was BS, that I would not tolerate him trying to assauge his guilt or justify his behaivor by blaming me this time. There was no justification for his cheating and that I ignored it as long as I thought it was no more that a physical convienience after a long spearation from me, but that when it started affecting our relationship and it had to end. I told him that when I got on the plane to come back to the States I was either going to go wait for himself to get sorted or get on with my life alone, but if I was going to wait for he could not have continued involvement with the OW (who also works in the office). On the day I left he affirmed that he did love me and wanted me to wait for him.
Trust now being an issue, a couple of days before I left I arranged to have any e-mails they sent to each other forwarded to me. Well you guessed it, he is continuing on with her. I started IC when I got home. Although I have not decided to divorce yet because I truly feel he has issues with being on his own (like separation anxiety that puppies get where they pee on the floor and chew everything up when you leave them alone ;0) that the A is a symptom of deeper issues that he and he alone can deal with, they really have little to do with me. Unless he starts IC to deal with those issues I will divorce him.
I have decided that should I continue this marriage that it will be on my terms and I will hold his feet to the fire. There will be a post nup this time as I want him to know that if this EVER happens again the first warning he has that I know something is going on is when he gets served with divorce papers and the post nup will outline he can expect in a divorce. He will have to support me emotionally, which he has not done in the past, in my battle with depression. Although I have been mostly on an even keel the loss of my father and some issues with our daughter have caused some dips.
Today
I started the conversation with H last night that regardless of what was going on that I loved him and would be there to support him through his personal journey. That I too had issues to deal with and I had a journey to make on my own. That I thought that after the last affair we were so involved with trying to save “us” that we neglected to follow through on our individual issues that had lead him to the first A. I reiterated my love and support for him and told him that wherever his personal journey took him that I would be there to support him through it and that individually we had issues to resolve and that I didn’t believe we could successfully work on “us” until each came to the end of our journeys. I said that I believed that he loved me and that through to the end, whether we decided to stay together or go down separate paths, and that I wanted it to be a mutual decision not made out of anger or guilt so that ultimately we could remain friends. I told him I was concerned about him because what I was seeing was self destructive behavior by both him and OW, not just personally, but professionally also. We talked about her statements to me regarding her qualifications to provide advice and counsel and the company policy of referring people to EAP immediately for personal issues. He said they were talking as friends, not in a work capacity, but told me that he now could see that advice given at time may have been more in her own self interest than his. I responded that even if they were talking as friends, with her responsibilities as HR contact she put her job at risk my not referring him to EAP. All the advice and self help books she could give him are not an adequate substitute for a trained professional. He said he recognized that he was on a self destructive path, obviously with his personal life, but also professionally, that recently the Staffing Manager for the region expressed concern about after hours activities and types of establishments that some of the expat group, including him, was frequenting and that word of those activities had reached the office.
He opened up and said that he wasn’t necessarily questioning his love for me, that is was more the depth, or level, of his love.
He brought up several things in the conversation that gives me pause for thought.
20 years ago, the first year our first child was born he developed a friendship, now what I would term an emotional affair, with a co-worker and he felt that he could have crossed the line then but did not. I was aware of the “friendship” and had my concerns and addressed them at that time which I think stopped it from going any further. I asked him to think hard about what was going on in our relationship during that time and he replied that he could see now where I might have been going through some post partum depression. (I think that and all the attention the baby demanded took attention away from him and he was feeling neglected.) I asked him to think hard about what he was feeling at and around all three “relationships”. He asked for more insight and I said I did not want to influence his therapy and those were things he needed to discover on his own, but that I thought all three were related.
He brought up and incident from before we were married where he almost broke up with me. He had concerns about our different views on religion and a few other things that I can’t remember right now. We discussed these things and about 6 months later he asked me to marry him. He said that he thinks he made a bad decision at that point not breaking up. I have not discussed this with him yet but will during our next conversation, but the circumstances surrounding that was that he had spent the weekend back home (we were in college at the time) and just informed his parents that he was not moving home for the summer to work but getting a job with the University. I remember this because that was the first time I realized that his parents did not approve of me or our relationship. On the surface they were really nice and welcoming to me so it came as quite a shock. I discussed this with two of my friends because I was trying to figure out why the sudden turn around and doubts about us and they both replied His parents!
He also talked about him having a need to address issues with his family that he knows his relationship with them is not good, especially him Mom and sister, and that he needed to work on that I therapy also.
He is digging deep within himself to find answers for why he can do the things he has done, not only to me, but to himself, when what he has done and is doing goes against all of his core values.
I have always said everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason this is happening is for him to discover the root of his issues and evolve into a better man.
As long as he continues to look for and answer the hard questions I will continue to support him through his personal journey regardless of what is going on Down Under. I believe that the A will die a natural death as he finds those answers. We are on different paths right now and I hope at the end it will become one again.
But through all of this I need to teach myself to put me first. That I am just as deserving as those I love and care about. That I DESERVE as much love and consideration as I give those I love. I need believe that I am the awesome, strong, loving person that everyone says I am. Again, maybe the reason this is happening is so that I can reconcile with my inner child and truly become happy with myself.
Your story is amazing and you are an amazing woman.
There are some similarities with my story in that I also put a lot of importance on H working through his own demons in IC (as I did myself). However in my story, H couldn't do it, he tried for a few months and then quit. He wanted only MC and because we'd been through that route before after DDAY #2, I knew it would most likely not lead to the epiphany I thought he should make about his own actions and their motivations. After a lot of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I could not go on that path again after trying a number of months after dday#3... I saw he wasn't making any real effort... just waiting for me to "come around". I decided to divorce.
Chris you sound so mature and strong and you must really love your husband deeply to give him so many chances. I wish you well and I hope your H gets a clue and figures himself out.
I enjoyed talking to you on chat. Hope to do so again.
Thanks for the compliments. We have been exchanging e-mails this morning. I am really refraining from giving my opinions about what I think his issues are. But in asking questions maybe he kind find the answers he needs. Even though I know the A is still going he really seems to be doing some soul searching.
Chris:Reply
What did you have and what does your answer tell you about what is going on now?
H: Reply
Sent: Friday, September 07, 2007 9:13 AM
I suppose I was afraid of being alone. I knew my relationship with Liz would not last. And maybe I realized what I already had.
Chris: Question
Sent: Fri Sep 07 06:46:11 2007
I have a question that has never really been answered. Last time, what made you change your mind? I mean, I was done! I was to a point where I was out the door and walking down the street in my mind. Yet at Susan's you made one last plea. And to be honest with you she had to do a lot of convincing to make me change my mind. That has always confused me.
Just wanted you to know how sorry I am that things did not work out for you. I hope you are or will get to a better place in your life. We are early on in this process and I am not getting my hopes up, in fact I am starting to have doubts of my own about wanting to stay married because of what I am learning about myself.
