The address works, it's me who doesn't!! I have not been able to get to my email for far too long. My kids have been keeping me way too busy and I am long overdue for time to myself!
Writing you back is on my to do list, but know you are always in my heart. You and Sunshine YOUR beautfiul wife!!!!
How about a post from you. Your wisdom is much missed my OLD buddy!
Have I ever told you that meeting you in person was one of my most cherished memories. You are sucn an incredible person Dave. Both my H and I talk about you often and agree you are one of the most honorable,kind, decent, wise and loving peopel wwe know. We both are honored to call you our friend.
It's been a long rough spring and summer for personal issues outside of recovery. However much of what I learned during the recovery process I was able to apply to those issues.
One HUGE ray of hope and joy occurred June 18th...although unplanned and the father and his family not being involved, our daughter gave birth to a beautiful little girl. They are living with us while "mom" does college and works, as she is not yet prepared to be on her own. This is Sunshine's first grandchild and my fourth, however my other three live in Texas. Being able to watch her grow and change daily is not something I can describe with words.
Doesn't matter how bad the day is, one smile from that little munchkin and the stresses of the world pale in significance. And since Sunshine and I don't have children together ( I said "our daughter", "mom" is actually one of two stepdaughters), she is the closest we will come to having a child of our own.
Besides, the little one was a good excuse for me to dust off an old hobby, photography to be exact. In the Navy I used to do my own black and white film and print developing. In 1972 I had a Minolta SRT 101 and it was a constant companion.
As I received a small inheritance last year I invested in some semi-professional digital equipment to include:
Canon Digital Rebel XTi 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera with an EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 Lens
Canon EF 70-300mm f/4.5-5.6 DO IS USM Lens
Canon EF 28-135mm f/3.5-5.6 IS USM Standard Zoom Lens
Canon EF 85mm f/1.8 USM Telephoto Lens
Canon EF-S 17-55mm f/2.8 IS USM Lens
Canon EF-S 60mm f/2.8 Macro USM Lens
Canon EF 50mm f1.4 USM Medium Telephoto Lens
And ofcourse all the filters, lens hoods, ect. that goes with the lenses.
I have had the camera less than two weeks and have started an extended college campus digital photography class at the local high school. In the class we have not yet taken any photos. I have had the camera less than two weeks and don't know yet what I am doing, but have gotten some decent shots of flowers, but the portraits require some learning. I can't wait until somebody is old enough to sit alone as I can really exploit the depth of field capabilites of the lenses.
And yes, I really did take the following in the last 10 days. The purple flower at a neighbors, the rose at a recently watered garden at the local court house, the sunflower and milkweed (I think, somebody who knows plants can correct me) along the area highways.
Rett, I hope this finds everyone doing well...
Dave
P.S. To the old lady that calls me her friend, my dearest El...you forget we are brother and sister in our souls. When I arrived here five plus years ago...I would have never thought I would meet and know such a wonderful person as you. I never thought my marriage would or could be saved...and I never thought I could feel this good about life, in my life...not ever again.
Thanks Sis!!!
Dave
This message has been edited by Subbster51 on Sep 26, 2007 2:24 PM This message has been edited by Subbster51 on Sep 26, 2007 2:20 PM
Oh my goodness Dave, I don't know who is more beautiful: The darling granddaughter or the flowers! You have a real gift. I'm happy for you that you're getting a chance to pursue that interest.
And kudos to you and Sunshine for being such supportive parents (and grandparents). Your granddaughter is going to have such an awesome idea of what "family" is, by what you two are providing for her and her mama. Ah, the memories you are making.
Congrats Dave on a beautiful granddaughter,its good to see you!
I am very happy for you and Sunshine,please say hi for me!
El,how are you lady? Long time no type,hope you are doing well!
I seem to be the main resident of Deeper Healing these days so I don't post here much but I am so glad to see you both here in one thread!
You two will always be in my mind and heart in a special place reserved for the treasured.
Great photos. Your grand daughter is a cutie. Isn't it wonderful the way those little ones melt ones heart. I fully understand what you are saying as my grand kids have got me through many rough days.
Amber and I are doing fine also. I am looking forward to chatting sometime.
Nope...no singing...can't carry a tune in a dump truck, besides, it keeps Jordan awake. I do find myself humming a great deal though, and am learning a new language, thanks to Jordan.
I gave up singing after a member of my last audience blew coffee all over the computer screen and not sure what else. Good to be harassed by another of my favorite people though. (LMAO)
We have a new one now. The screen is larger, flat and ummmm... dry.
Lots of personal, non-A related stuff swirling around in my life. Crazy times. Watch your email.
A minor example - I work with a drama queen and find that while the old Susan would have been caught up in the drama/trauma/politics of the day, the new one thinks "obviously you don't know what a real crisis is" and just trys to avoid the fallout. So in some ways, this new, stronger, armored Susan is a good thing.
In other ways, I'm convinced that 2 years of anxiety attacks had some sort of impact (long term, hopefully not permanant) where I can go from zero to high anxiety at AMAZING speed. Never had anxiety issues pre-A, but stressful events (everything from suspense in a movie, to really heavy/bad traffic (with a wack-o drive thrown in, not just a normal commute), to family issues one encounters in the normal course of a life can cause that tightness/nauseua that accompanies anxiety -
- okay, it's been 6 1/2 years... my life in on my chosen path and I continue along my path blessed in a million ways. Have I crossed some threshold and now live with an internal system hot-wired to anxiety?
I don't have actual attacks, but I feel them coming on and can "talk myself down" So I research anxiety and PTSD and long term effects and I find studies that address memory loss, general spaciness, but no real path to addressing anxiety as an unnatural response to normal life activities long after the initial cause of the anxiety has gone away...
Other than that, I'm fine
(Don't blow it out of perspective, it's a small part of my life maybe once a week or maybe 2-3 times a month, just an unnerving one that I seek to understand. El and Rooster were my partners in anxiety, but any old timers lurking who might have ideas, I'd love to hear from you)
I can't answer your question because I'm only 5 months from Dday. But, it just struck a chord with me because I was literally wondering about the anxiety effect on the long term just the other day. I was wondering if somehow I was getting addicted to the roller coaster high and lows of emotion. Or wanting to have a reason to be mad and not communicating until I was ready to blow up? Is that rush of negative energy, the endorphin build to a fight or flight situation attractive? It's like someone said then needed to be angry in the face of their spouse so they could stay strong, and I want so badly to feel strong. Was I causing them to happen?
And, with that thought, I thought I would experiment to see if I could stop them from happening by managing the communication so that I didn't have that build up. Oh...and I decided to actually use the anti-depressants that I got.
I'm not recommending that you take meds or suggesting that you are addicted or causing these, by the way, just sort of processing. I think I'm just trying to get control over a natural process that's not really in my control. But, I'm a control freak and feeling or being out of control is not a place I manage very well. Welcome to the human race.
An unlikely theory, but I thought I'd throw it out there for you to consider, you'll know best if its worthy or rubbish. I hadn't had anything that I would characterize as anxiety prior to the divorce of my first H. And, even then I would have said I was just a little worked up, took a deep breath...or 10, and wondered if that's what it meant to feel anxious. Now I know it is anxiety and I can classify those feelings as such. Like you were saying I recognize them. So one thought is that in the past I had the same emotional responses but I didn't appropriately classify them because they were so far and few between and unrealted to each other. Simply recognizing it for what it is makes me notice how often I respond that way. I have more reasons to do it more consistently now. The logic is that with less reasons it should go away. Which is not what seems to be happening for you. Even though its reduced to 2-3 times a month, that is still relatively frequent, as you suggest, its not "normal". But, it may be, however, that you are just more aware of it and if the triggers for it are not affair related you may just be responding as you did naturally before the affair but before the affair you didn't classify it as such. An awareness thing.
Then my final theory from a clinical point of view is that someone I knew had a brain tumor and it causes a seizure. And, one of the biggest concerns was medicating to prevent another seizure, because once the brain "learned" to respond to situations or conditions with a seizure it was more apt to do it again. So the effort was to prevent it from practicing that response. I think this is a probable explanation, that the brain got so practiced and sensitive to triggers of rising emotional states that it just goes from 0 to 60 because it can now.
Just a couple of ideas. But, thanks for bringing this up it was a fleeting thought for me a few days ago and your post made me consider it a little more deeply, remind me what I'm doing - its hard to stay focused sometimes when I'm working on so many different issues - me, him, us, anxiety, depression, getting through the day, work issues, supporting friends through their issues...etc, etc.
"But, it may be, however, that you are just more aware of it and if the triggers for it are not affair related you may just be responding as you did naturally before the affair but before the affair you didn't classify it as such. An awareness thing."
My first anxiety attack was like NOTHING I'd ever felt. I thought I was dying - heart pounding, couldn't breath.. Anxiety was a totally foreign feeling. It was something new. Even in my job, I'm paid to stay calm and logical amid panic and chaos (and now the occasional drama queen) No, this is something new and unwelcome and at least for me, lingering.
As for meds, my Dr. prescribed Xanax that I took as needed. My first bottle had 50 and I took about 25 over the first year. The last 25 (+/-) I carried with me for the next year telling myself I could take one if it got worse -- this is how I think I learned to talk myself down from an actual attack. That half bottle was a life saver for me... literally.
yah.. I have only been anxious and been able to stop it before it turned to a full attack. That happened to my friend and she hyperventilated. It was really scary. It took hours and drugs for her to get calmed down. Seeing that really scared me, I can't imagine going through it. Well, I hope others report in that it eventually mellows with time.
