I'm still around, I come in here almost everyday and read posts, but with the exception of Len's post about his car troubles I can't seem to respond to anyone. I find it hard to read someone's post then try to write a response. I think to myself, what kind of advice can I give to someone? I can't seem to process my own emotions let alone try to help someone else through a struggle in their life.

I'm battling with myself at this point. I'm working on my self esteem although I don't seem to be winning that battle. I never thought of myself as a person that needed someone else's opinion of me to feel good, but yet now for some reason, I do need outside validation. I catch myself feeling jealous of others, which I absolutely hate! Not only do I find myself jealous, but I also find myself to be very bitter. I witnessed a wedding this past week, and throughout the wedding I thought to myself, how long will it be before the lies start between the two of these people. I don't have trust in people anymore. I always wonder what someone's motivation is when they do something nice for me, or when they pay me a compliment. I feel almost paranoid around people, fearing that if I open up, even just a little, that I will be hurt.

I can say for the most part, I do laugh now, and I have come out of the funk I was in concerning eating and sleeping, but I have a long row to hoe.

Dawn

Do not ever hesitate to come here and write when you need to or want to. It is not about giving advice - it is about sharing your thoughts, feelings - if that includes advice, great. If not, great too. It is just good to have a community of people who understand what you are feeling.

And, I sure understand everything you have written - just check out my posting name. From the outside, I look like a person who has a perfect life - great H, M, kids and career. A young woman who works for me told me I was her role model. What a fraud! I felt good about myself because of what other people thought, not what I thought. And, with H's As, the delusions came tumbling down.

And, like you, I also look around at other people,wondering whose lives have been touched/wrecked by A's and whose will be wrecked in the future. I look at my own wedding as a lamb going to slaughter and feel the same about others. Now that I have experienced A, it seems like every book, movie, TV show is about the subject and I can always tell if the writer has been there and or is just giving the glib Hollywood version of the devastation.

At the same time that I relate to what you have written, I am cautiously and slowly moving to a more optimistic position. With lots of therapy and a remorseful H, I am beginning to believe that life can be good again - never the same but in fact, better than the immature, fairy tale view of marriage that I held on to despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. I have also learned intellectually that self esteem can only come from you - no one can fill that empty place in yourself but you. Now, I just have to believe it emotionally. So every Friday, I truck off to the IC and try to incorporate what I am learning into my behavior. And I am gradually moving a little closer to the person I want to be - happy within myself and sharing my M with someone I love, not sacrificing myself to that M. There are huge setbacks, when I think that I am forever damaged and should just give up the hope of ever being healthy. But, that passes and I get back on the twisting turning road to self esteem.

Please continue to post. Would love to hear your story and how you are feeling.

Wow another name from the past!
Good to see your post, I still remember you and the many conversations we had.
As I mentioned in the El thread I don't get over to open that much anymore,I seem to have taken root in Deeper Healing and I also try to help some of the newcomers in Healing Heart.
So it seems today I was fortunate to see your name along with El's and Subbsters!
I am so sorry you are still hurting in the selfesteem part, I am really having a hard time too.
What you wrote and how you descibed it could have came right outta my mouth,but we will get better I am confident of that!

Good to see you,
James