After almost 2 years since d-day, I have been telling H for over 2 months that I want a divorce. He has been sleeping on the couch for two weeks, but thats about all I can get him to budge. The cycle is like this:
I tell him I want a divorce, he tells me he doesn't, but doesn't do the things I need for me/us to heal
We don't speak for a day or two
He begins small talk with me
In another day or two we are carying on our regular lives with kids etc. except no intimacy of any kind at all
Another day or two pass, i tell him I want a divorce
So at the urging of my therapist, last Friday I tell him I need to sit down and talk about a separation plan. He sits down to talk and tells me he can't make plans to separate because that is not what he wants. We rehash things for about an hour, he actually gets somewhat emotional, which he hasn't really done with me (although he was HIGHLY emotional with OW). But in the end I get if you want me to read one of those books (infidelity/forgiveness books) leave it out for me. He just doesn't get that he needs to WANT to do these things for true reconcilliation to happen. Which is basically what I tell him and I go away pissed.
The next day I make a separation plan and write him a letter and leave it for him to read, which he does and does not say a word to me.
Tuesday I left him the book "How do I forgive you?" by Janis Abrahams Spring. There is a wonderful chapter on what the wrong doer needs to do to be granted forgiveness. He takes teh book. I also took back the separation letter I had given to him two days before.
Wednesday after we had been home by ourselves all day, he decides the best time to bring this up is while we are on a 20 minute car ride together. He wanted to know why I left the book and took back the letter. What does that mean? I told him the two acts have nothing to do with one another. I took back the letter because if he didn't feel the need to discuss it then he didn't need to have it and I left the book because it was me holding out hope yet once again. I asked if he had read any of it, he said no, too busy Tue during the day/looking for job, too tired Tue night, needed to get the lawn cut Wed afternoon. I told him excuses like usual.
We got home Wed and I didn't speak to him for the rest of the night, Thursday I got the kids off to school and then left around 11 am just saying I'm going out and then came home around 3:30. Giving him no explanation for my where-abouts. We have not said more than 2 words to each other since.
So I ask, why wont he just leave, he obviously does not want to make this work. He has done alot of nice surface stuff, but nothing more. Like Cal's H a year of IC and no further insight into his actions. Because he doesn't open up there either, he just went as part of the reconciliation deal.
Sometimes I feel like he wont just go because he doesn't have any better options. I mean more than that.
It's hard to know what his motivations are. It could be that since he doesn't want the marriage to end, he feels he is working toward that by not doing anything. In addition, since you said he isn't doing the things need for reconcilation, he is in a state of the doldrums, where he feels so overwhelmed that he can't start anything. You really need to find out from him why he isn't taking any action on either front.
However, while part of the problem is that he isn't making it easy, you really have more control over this than you're acknowledging. If you want the marriage to move to separation, I suggest that you do that... separate. Find a cheap place to live and go there. For example, I once needed an inexpensive place to live on a temporary basis. I consulted the classified ads in a local paper and contacted several potential people who had spare bedrooms to rent. I ended up find a very nice situation with a garage apartment and a roommate (who I'd never met prior to this). I think it cost me about $200/mo, with all utilities included. I didn't need to sign a lease or anything, so when I needed to end that arrangement I was able to do so right away. There are other, even more creative ways to affect a separation.
However, I get a sense that you're not sure that you want this either. I guess you need to understand why you're not doing more to work on separation if that's what you truly want. If you want reconcilation, maybe you should work on a reconcilation plan AND a separation plan. In other words, you could give you husband a clear idea of what you expect from him (even if that only means that he shows initiative and follow through to make reconcilation happen), and you start planning and doing what you need for separation in the event that he falls far short of those expectations.
I certainly understand the frustration of a xWS who is not putting in the effort of reconcilation. I think we all want them to show a real drive and purpose for full confession, making restitution, and showing commmitment to the marraige. Anything less leaves us doubtful that their efforts are anything more than damage control.
I am sorry your H is acting similar to mine and you are going through the same things. My WH won't leave either! My IC suggested that I do what I did last year, pack up his stuff and drop it off at our business to show him I mean business. He doesnt think you are serious because he is still there! He doesnt want to go because more than likely, like my WH, he thinks in time it will all just blow over and things will just get back to normal because they do for awhile. He more than likely he thinks it's you not being able to get over the A, not the fact that he hasnt really done anything to prove he has changed or to help you get over it. He did surface stuff, like my WH, no deep down change. They feel we should be happy with that and when we are not, it's OUR fault! That's what they mean when they say that the WS "doesnt get it". If they did they would do whatever it takes, not just they are. Actions speak louder than words.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I know I could be doing more, such as moving out myself, but I have three young (12, 11 & 7) children and I want them to live with me. The area I live in is soooo expensive. I couldn't get an apartment for the 4 of us for less than $2000 a month. I'm a stay at home mom and that is an incredible amount of money for me. I realize I send him mixed signals (separation letter/forgiveness book) because I really don't want to divorce. I want to reconcile, but H has not done the necessary work. I want him to want to do the work. But with each passing day/week/month/year I am seeing that he is not going to change.
He does just want to move forward and have me forget what has happened. According to him I'm supposed to believe that it will never happen again because he says it wont. He will never put himself, me or the kids through this again. This from a man who said we could renew our wedding vows in the two weeks between d-day 1 & 2, the man who swore to me 1/2 way through his affair when almost caught, that he would never cheat on me because he loves me so much and would not do that to me! I'm supposed to now believe him for some reason or another, he can't give any other reason other than he says so! What a crock!
You say you want a divorce, and then ask why he won't leave. It seems to me that what you want is an "easy out", and well...as a SAHM with three kids, who wants her kids to live with her and to somehow be able to afford all that...there's nothing easy about any of that.
I'm not entirely sure you really want him to leave, maybe you really want to be able to trust him. Maybe while you say you want him to leave, you'd rather have true reconciliation?
I'd suggest that either you truly work toward learning to trust your husband again - and I mean work toward it together (probably in counseling) or you begin developing a true "exit plan" for yourself.
edited to add: either way, it ain't gonna be easy!
This message has been edited by Dubld on Sep 28, 2007 4:35 PM
David I usually really respect and appreciate what you have to say. However, I feel a bit of annimosity towards me in your post.
Yes I want reconciliation not divorce. I am not looking for an easy way out. The fact that I gave up a career to raise our children and can now not find a job that will pay enough for me to move our kids out of the home they have lived in since birth, should not be my total burden to bare. H is the one who stepped outside of the marriage, so yes I expect HIM to move out.
I have been trying to trust H again, he is the one not working on it. How do I trust a man whose only reasoing for having an affair is that I gained to much weight and don't keep the house clean enough and just expects me to believe he wont do it again. How do you begin to trust that person. We were in MC for a year and a half tried 3 different C's. The first two pretty much told me I should leave him. So we went to a 3rd, we worked with her for almost a year, she worked harder with us and we did make some progess but always slipped back because H, who is passive aggresive many times stated he would do something and then did not.
Trust is not the only issue. I am emotionally battered by the fact that he shared an emotional bond with this woman. I don't know how to get past that either. There is work to be done there also, and again on his part. He is the one who thought that no damage would be done by his relationship with her.
I take exception to your view of me not working hard enough and looking for an easy way out.
I see how it is more complex than the situation that I described. I agree that finding a place at an affordable cost to you is more than a little difficult. It sounds like separation is something that can only happen with major changes in your lifestyle, unless he agrees to leave.
As David suggested and I'm sure you realize, separation and divorce will mean that you will probably need to find employment that pays a wage. Of course, it will also mean that you will not be at home during working hours, so there will need to be adjustments for you. I think the first place to focus might be to find employment (or to prepare to find employment through education and training). If you work toward separation, then you will let your husband see the seriousness that you are approaching this problem. If it's clear to him that you are preparing to leave in the event that he continues to be a non-starter or failure at reconciliation, then he will a better opportunity to focus on his efforts.
I don't know if your husband will respond or not. It sounds like he's in a malaise and poor mindset that allows him to avoid working on solutions to the problems. My wife went through some of that too. She needed to learn to focus on the solutions rather than the problems and to stop emphasizing the "pain" of what she had to do rather than the gain of doing it.
Lisa, I think you may be reading into what I wrote quite a lot.
I really thought my post was pretty straight-forward, and sure...maybe a little "blunt", but I certainly mean you no disrespect, nor do I have any animosity toward you.
I kinda figured that you really desire reconciliation, not divorce. I guess I was kinda "testing" you a little in that regard, and your response only confirms it my suspicion. So, first, I would suggest that you make the mental decision to take divorce "off the table", and especially quit speaking in those terms to your husband. It's just not productive.
My wife is also a SAHM. I have total respect and admiration for the value that you, no doubt, bring to your home. I have no doubt that you work hard - probably harder than I do - every day of your life. Being an engaged, responsible, caring SAHM does require a lot of physical and emotional energy. I am sure of that!
You probably know that your husband's so-called "reasons" for having an affair are just (very weak) blame-shifting, and not valid reasons, or even half-way reasonable excuses at all. We can all come up with a ton of excuses for why we don't like the place we find ourselves, but most of the fingers still end up pointing back at us, no matter how hard we twist. I also shared an emotional bond with the OW. That bond turned out to be bondage - enslavement, and it was painful to get out from all the wreckage when it all came crashing down. But you know what, it was never about my wife. It was about me - and my weaknesses, my moral failures, my selfishness. Sure, I made up excuses and tried to pass off some of the problems to my wife, but I was the person who made the choices. I recently read that "sin is in the choice". When we own up to our choices, then we can repent of our sin and move forward with life. But not until then.
So, here's me cheering you on. I want to be an encouragement to you, and while sometimes the way I do it might seem strange, I earnestly mean you absolutely no disrespect. I hope and pray you and your husband will be able to move forward with reconciliation.
David I appreciate your follow up posting, I apologize if I "snapped".
Your openess about your A is more than I have gotten from my H in two years. H just keeps dangleing the carrot and I keep reaching for it but never seem get it. I'm not even sure how to approach him anymore. My C who used to be our MC does not beleive that he will change. As many times as I say "He does not get it" my C says "You, Lisa, do not get it, he is not going to change". So I feel it is time to start accepting that I will never get from H what I need and will essentially need to heal on my own.
I wish I could take divorce off the table, but I cannot live like this any longer. Always feeling I am not worth the effort, which I have told him numerous times and it just not seem to matter.
I am trying to mentally get my strength up for the long road ahead. I have also enrolled in college and with any luck I will finish my degree in 2 years. Though I cannot wait another 2 years for resolution of this situation. Going back to school will help me two fold, I think completion of my degree will be a big boost to my self esteem and will also help me obtain employment that will support myelf and the kids. I really don't want their lifestyle to have to change too much. Their parents not being together will be devistating enough for them.
Maybe along the way my H can do some serious self reflection and see his issues and feel comfortable enough to share these with me. Maybe if he ever reaches that point there can be some serious discussion of reconciliation, but not until then.
Thank you all for the time and effort you put into responding to posts. It seems there are FWS on this board who put more thought into my marital situation than my H does. How sad is that!
When a child is not behaving in a respectful manner toward you, you give them a consequence. If you keep giving them a consequence and then never follow through you are sending them the message that it is okay to disrespect you as nothing will happen. If you set boundaries and then there are consequences to their actions, suddenly their behaviour starts to change and they realize you will not put up with their disrespect.
Apply this theory to your H. As long as you are half in and half out of the door, I think you will find that he will get away with the least amount of effort he has to expend. I only say this because of your post of his behavior and what he has done in the past <dr phil - the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour>.
If you want to seperate, and I'm not convinced that is a point you are at yet, then you need to put seperation on the table, leave it there and start going about with the process of dividing things. He will know you are serious and will see your progress. That may or may not scare him into realizing how close he is to losing you, but it will certainly send him <and you> the message that you will be okay no matter what happens <seperation or marriage>.
If you want to stay married, then I think you need to quite "threatening" him with seperation and throw it completely off the table and put both feet forward. If every time you get fed up or mad or frustrated, you mention the "d" word, then he won't put in much effort either - why should he if you will just end up leaving.
I know this affair business is tough crap and it hurts like hell. Seperation won't be easy and I agree with Tom in that you may wish to begin looking at furthering your education and providing a financially stable future for your children in the event of divorce. Also, you getting out and meeting people through attending school may be a great esteem booster and very healthy for you.
I guess I'm on another part of the fence, in that I think divorce shouldn't be taken off the table until the reconciliation moves forward to the point where it IS off the table.
I'm not saying that he should be constantly threatened with it, like a whip dangled in front of a pack animal, but rather that it should be understood that someday in the future when you reach the end of your limit of patience for his inaction, then you might exercise it. There is a period between D-day and the outcome of the reconciliation (success or failure) where the BS MUST be in "wait and see" mode. In fact, the very opportunity for there to be any outcome other than divorce is, in my opinion, a miraculous act of grace on the part of the BS.
That's not to say that a WS who is open to reconciliation doesn't also do something good. However, in the face of the affair there is little (if any) real justification for the WS refuses to work on reconciliation, while the BS who wants a divorce after discovery of the affair is completely justified.
I don't understand why my wife struggled with doing the difficult but necessary steps of reconciliation (i.e. confession, restitution, and repentance) any more than why Lisa's husband is struggling with those things now. However, she has no more control over her husband's actions now than she did during the affair. All she can do is to communicate to him that his actions (or lack of them) is offensive to her.
Tom I read your post and I agree with the way you put it and I realize my post didn't convey that.
I agree that divorce can never truly be "off the table" until the WS has earned the right for that. You said it better than I. The "D" word shouldn't be used as a means of threat, but rather as a meaningful conversation expressing your feelings. I see a difference between the two.
That's it exactly, isn't it? If the BS is throwing out the D word as a threat s/he never means to follow up on, then it is just that, an empty threat. But if a WS knows that the BS MUST see change, or s/he will exercise the right to D after the betrayal, then the D word is seen as just one option for the BS, not an empty threat. Perhaps some WS don't understand that and need to understand that a A is a WS choice that justifies BS divorcing over.
After all, just as a WS chose to have an A, a BS CHOOSES to stay, or not.
I'm sorry your H refuses to take you and your needs seriously.
Whenever I discusssed the possibility of divorce with my wife, it was in the context of something that could happen if ran out of patience in her inaction. My patience was somewhat driven by my circuimstances (i.e. children at home) and somewhat driven by my own desire for reconcilation.
I think many WS struggle with "picking themselves up" to "finish the race". I don't know what drives this, but I think it's something we all struggle with... the failure to do those things that are needed and important for reconciling relationships. What forms that stumbling block? Are we afraid to admit we are wrong? Do we think that not admitting it is somehow going to keep the people we've offended from knowing it? Do we fail to act because it gives control to the one we've offended, and we don't want to loose that control?
Whatever it is, it seems like something that Lisa's husband is struggle with, at least based on what I can see from her posts. If he truly wants to reconcile, and isn't doing the work, then why not? Most of us are lead to conclude that he doesn't really want reconcilation, but when I relate this to my own experience, I'd say my wife wanted reconciliation, but she was afraid to test the waters of giving me control through vulnerability, transparency, honesty. She'd try, but it was more lip service than real. She had to reach a point where she could finally see that the half-baked effort wasn't go to do the trick. Part of that was knowing that divorce (for me) was still on the table. I wonder if Lisa's husband is going through the same process.
Excellent point, Tom. Perhaps he felt no sense of control as a child, so now as an adult he fears giving up a sense of control. Of course, no irony that he gave up control of his marriage by having an A.
I guess this is something that Lisa can try to discuss with him. Perhaps if he truly does want to reconcile, he will be willing to discuss this and do some serious thinking on the subject.
Tom, from what you are saying about your W, I think my H is in the same place. What was the catalyst for change in your W? I know you said it took two years for her to finally "get it". Were you closer at that time to ending the marriage than at any other stage? I just do not believe there is anything else I can do to encourage my H to take that good long look at himself and make some discoveries about his behaviors.
I think you left that book out for him. I just read the part on ambivalence. That's been a focus for me lately. Realizing that my H is committed and I am ambivalent. Rather than have him read the whole book, maybe you can focus him on reading a pertinent chapter or pages? It may be less overwhelming. Or, it can be an opening for a discussion rather than an accusation of everything he is doing wrong or all of the work he has to do - which may or may not be your intent but is likely what he is afraid of seeing if he reads the book. Personally, I think he should read the whole dang book, he should want to! But, sometimes baby steps is easier for people, especially if they are confused or traumatized - keeping things small and simple is easier. I hope for your sake that he is willing to at least take on baby step.
I don't think I could get my H to read a book. So after reading it myself, I told my H that I read about ambivalence in this book and I realized that I was not fully committed to the recovery. That I didn't feel safe enough yet and that I wasn't even sure what else he could do. That maybe I just needed more time to pass to build a long term trust. I also realized that I still have some open issues that I haven't pressed to get resolved. So I communicated those to him and he's working on getting them resolved.
I also liked the part about decision making with the head, heart, gut, and groin. My Heart and groin say stay. My Head says go and my gut is unrealiable, untrusted, misunderstood. It gives me a better sense of understanding why I am ambivalent or where the conflict is within my own head.
My H was willing to work on things straight out. NC, communicate, answer questions. He had problems with the whole telling the truth thing, but I think we've got past that now. I can't imagine the pain and frustration that you are in continuing on and on. I dearly hope he comes aroung soon, you deserve a break.
Again Tom, excellent post. I can even see where my WH struggles with this as well. Maybe he does want to reconcile but is too afraid to give up his demons. The demons are his comfort...without the pot he has to face reality for what it is. That has to be hard. BUT, and this is a big but...if you never face those fears, you risk losing everything you hold dear...your spouse, your marriage, and your family. One must weigh the odds. Without the fear of consequences (D or separation) for ones actions/inaction what incentive does one have to face their fears? You said it so well! One must be willing to follow through with it (D or separation) if nothing changes or take it off the table. Perhaps it should have never been put on the table until one was ready and prepared to follow through in the first place because empty threats never work, as my IC pointed out to me. When I packed up my WH's clothes and dropped them off in front of our business, I showed him that I was serious, and it was not an empty threat. Once again...actions (on both sides) speaks louder than words.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I know I have thrown out the D word a lot in the past and do realize it was previously seen as an empty threat. And I guess it was because I never acted on it. I've always just hoped and prayed that he would begin to understand what I need and take that initiative, but he didn't/doesn't.
I don't want this to end up a messy divorce. I want to be able to remain friends, or maybe just not turn into enemies. I guess, just as I wanted a fairytale marriage, I am looking for a fairytale divorce. One where everything is amicable and there is no fighting and no screwing each other over, and most of all the kids not getting hurt at all. But in reality I know that we cannot have a "perfect" divorce.
I don't want to have to throw him out. I wanted to be able to sit and rationally discuss how we would handle a seperation. But he cannot face that reality, he cannot face the reality of needing to do a lot of work in order to save this marriage either. He just wants to sweep it under the rug and not face his actions and I cannot live like this anymore.
So I guess the ball is in my court. I either need to accpet that he is not going to change or I need to move forward with the seperation plans on my own.
I think TomJ has some words on this subject. I seem to remember his saying that he gave his wife a time limit on how long he was willing to wait until for her to do the work that he needed her to do to show that she was remorseful and wanted their marriage. TomJ, help! Correct me if I am wrong about this, please.
Sometimes when a WS sees that a BS means business and is planning on ending the marriage and takes steps to show the WS that s/he is serious, the actions the BS take are enough to make the WS sit up and decide whether or not s/he wants to do the work s/he needs to do to save the marriage.
Perhaps not making idle threats, but concrete plans, will be what you need to do to make your H take you seriously. I guess you know that the only way to find out is to follow through on your words.
Just talking to a lawyer will help you know your rights. Your H knowing that you are talking to lawyer(s) might be enough for him to see that you mean business. Regardless, it would be good for you and your peace of find to find out what your rights are and to make a plan for you and your children for the future.
We always use to say that if anything happened to our relationship neither of us wanted it to end messy. Words are just words. In reality, I discovered there is no such thing as a perfect divorce. There are always bad feelings, by one, the other or both.
It is a highly emotional time and seems rather illogical for it to just flow smoothly. My best suggestion (from somebody who has been there and done it) is that if you decide it is what you want to do, prepare for the worst, ugliest divorce you can imagine. That way no matter what happens you will be ready, and if it goes well you will be pleasantly surprised rather than peaved he didn't live up to his end of the bargain.
Have you discussed the divorce option with a lawyer and perhaps a counsellor?
>I either need to accept that he is not going to change or I need to move forward with the separation plans on my own.
I disagree. Even though I've said those exact words. You don't ever have to accept that he will not change. He should change for a lot of reasons, but most important is that the way he is living is not doing him or anyone he cares about any good.
Besides, since some change is inevitable, we should at least try to make change a positive force in our lives.
>I think TomJ has some words on this subject. I seem to remember his saying that he gave his wife a time limit on how long he was willing to wait until for her to do the work that he needed her to do to show that she was remorseful and wanted their marriage.
Close, but not quite right. I never gave her a firm time limit. I only told her that my patience was wearing thin, and that she clearly had a problem since she wasn't doing the things that even she had said she should do and would do, and not doing them was sending a message that I didn't think she wanted to send. I told her that I couldn't predict when my impatience would get the best of me and force me to end it. But I think she understood that I was getting closer to that point than ever before. I also told her that once I made that decision, there was a good chance that I wasn't going to be able to allow any further opportunities for her.
Also, it was a process that took place over many years. By year 2-3 the constant circle of emotions exacerbated by a tale that didn't make sense had taken it's toll, and I essentially uncovered the truth for myself, then showed her. That was like another D-day. Then later the full frustration of unmet expectations then new forms of lying and deception (much less critical than her lies about infidelity) came to a point where on several occasions over the course of a couple of years took us to conversations where I explained my feelings, that the path we were on was clearly taking me to a place where the marriage was going to need to end to preserve myself, and that it was her decisions and behaviors that were taking us there.
There was a point where I think she finally understood that SHE was the reason, not anyone or anything else, that we were on that path. I don't think I had to convince her that I wasn't bluffing or anything along the lines that this wasn't a threat. In fact, I remember telling her that I wasn't trying to threaten her with divorce, but that she needed to know that our marriage was on a path where this would be the outcome unless she made changes on her part. I also pointed to the responsibilities that I had in the process too, but me purpose for having this conversation with her was to address the primary issue putting us on that track.
I recall a crisis moment... I don't remember what I told her was coming next, but it was a step toward ending the relationship, and she sought out a counselor who finally, for the first time, held HER accountable for restoring the relationship. In fact, my wife sought the counselor out on the premise that she had a problem with lying that needed resolved, because it was destroying her marriage. She told the counselor about the affair too, but her first goal was to stop telling lies.
I think how my wife introduced herself to the counselor (as person with lying issues) had as much importance on the type of counsel she received as much as the attitudes and views as the counselor. I wonder if the prior counselors, hearing they were dealing with someone over infidelity, automatically assumed that part of the problems were due to the betrayed spouse, even when they didn't say so. If so, I can see where this in turn affected how much they held my wife accountable for her actions, especially her actions in recovery.
Lisa, maybe you can short circuit the process from what you can learn through my situation. I don't know if what you're going through is a close parallel to mine, and even if it is, I don't know how much you can do to make your husband see that the problem is him, not someone or something else. However, when the wayward spouse finally takes full responsibility for cleaning up the mess they've created through their affair, the difference can be night and day. Sure, the betrayed party has to carry their load in granting forgiveness and giving their spouse grace in the walk down the road of reconciliation. However, given that the road couldn't be started without the first opportunity I afforded my wife by the initial grace of allowing for reconciliation, the responsibility was fully in her hands. When she finally took that responsibility, our recovery changed completely.
Tom, I do see my situation somewhat similar to yours. My H is a liar, not just over the A stuff, but other things also, and not just to me. In the last few month he has admitted that he will lie and deceive as to not make himself look bad or to avoid confrontation. The problem is he'll acknowledge it one day and then in the next conversation become defensive about me bringing it up. He has no plans, to my knowledge, to seek counseling regarding this issue. When he was previously in IC and he discussed a particular situation with the C, she told him that sutuation was not that "bad", but did not try to look at the bigger picture. That was H's take on it anyway. He no longer sees that counselor (or any other).
I like the way in which you handled your situation by not giving a fixed timeframe, but letting your W know that you are loosing patience and can't say when you'll have had enough. I'm not sure how to handle where I am at, since I have already put D on the table for the 100th time, but am now serious. I don't think I can go back and give it more time without loosing my credibility.
I have had a consultation with an atorney and have been discussing it my IC. I think I am going to try and s/w him and let him know that I have had a consultation with a lawyer. If he chooses to take the situation more seriously and does some soul searching and seld discovery and get back into C then GREAT, but if not I have started to get myself set up to seperate.
I agree that there are things I too must do to make reconcilliation work. And I am willing to work on my marriage and give it another chance but at this point I think he needs to put in some effort before I fully commit myself back to the marriage again.
Kim I will take your advice and prepare for the worst so that I am not let down once again.
Just had an IC appointment myself today. While I have only mentioned the D word once to my WH (on d-day 2), my IC also feels that my WH is not taking me seriously either. What does it take to get through to someone who is so passive-aggressive and addicted to drugs? The only thing I can conclude is to uphold your boundaries. I, for one, know that is much easier said than done. ((((hugs))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
