I've come to realize that the problem in my marriage is me. I say this because 90% of the time when were fine and happy go lucky it's because I'm not bringing up his A. It's only the times when we fight or i'm feeling down that I create a problem by bringing up the A or me quietly dwelling on the A. I use his A as a cruch. It's my reason to feel sorry for myself. When anything is wrong that's when the A comes to mind. I wonder if he never had his A what would I blame our problems on? See it's so easy, he's given me a "scape goat" This isn't fair to either of us.

Does anyone else feel this way? We have so many other problems in our lives and it's just so easy for me to throw out the A Card.

I know we have had many problems prior to his A and many after. It's so hard to separate what damage the A brought to our marriage and what we brought to the marriage ourselves(individually).

It's so hard to differentiate between our marital can of worms and the A.

I truely don't think they are one of the same.

I just feel at this point if I could just put his A behind us and not bring it up our lives could actually move forward.

I don't know everything is always so crazy, I've been praying constantly and I feel so much better. I almost don't even care about his affair it's almost gone from my heart. I just don't want to let go of the hurt. The pain has become such a good friend to me. I feel like I'm keeping the pain around for my own needs. I need to let it go to better my life, my family, my Husband, my children.

I'm just feeling loney, I want to say goodbye to what has become a very close friend. I just don't know how to say the final goodbyes.

Does that make any sense to anyone.
God Bless and Love you all

I really just yearn to love unconditionally again. With all of me, thats what I want I want that I love you feeling back so bad?




This message has been edited by sweetgrace on Sep 29, 2007 7:00 PM
This message has been edited by sweetgrace on Sep 29, 2007 6:58 PM




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I wanted to move this post over here to get some feed back from FWS's Have you gone through these feelings or did you BS go throught this. I'm feeling so lost right now.

It sounds as if you are coming to the end of a long road through a dark forest. A doe stands on the edge of a forest enshrouded in the chill and the shadows looking out at the meadow buttered in sunshine yearning for the taste of the sweet, dew covered grass, she takes a few tenative steps out into the sunshine. At the first sound or movement signaling danger she darts back into the the protective arms of the forest. Yet she waits, then ventures out again, this time a little further, and back to the forest's protection at the first signal of danger. And again, and again. Until she realizes that what she perceived as danger signals are just the normal sounds of life around her. At last she can allow herself to venture to the middle of the meadow, where the grass is sweetest, and bask in the sunshine and enjoy what she has been yearning for and in doing so finds that the grass is deep and offers her comfort and protection of a different kind.

<<I almost don't even care about his affair it's almost gone from my heart.>> Yoa have reached the edge of the forest.

<<I just don't want to let go of the hurt. The pain has become such a good friend to me. I feel like I'm keeping the pain around for my own needs.>> Your pain is your protection, it is what you have known for too long.

<<I need to let it go to better my life, my family, my Husband, my children.>> The deep, sweet grass and sunshine are waiting to nourish and protect you

Remember that conflicts in a marriage are normal, but because of the A you see them as danger signals, but in letting go of your pain you will find protection from new pain in loving your family, wholly and unconditionally.

Laura,

I hope you don't mind, I edited out some of the forum stuff I don't think you meant to copy.

Ami

Let me first try to address this by an example.....

If you are wearing a low cut shirt and walking in an unsafe area, is it your fault if you are raped? Does it make a difference if you were deliberately walking down that road, or if you were dropped off there because you got in a fight with your boyfriend in the car on the way somewhere else? Does it make a difference if you are a prostitute taking a night off that ended up in the wrong place?

My point is this......YOU cannot be held responsible for the detrimental actions of somebody else who decided he should let a nuclear blast go off in your marriage! Do NOT accept the blame for this. He had a choice if he was unhappy - he could have told you, he could have filed for divorce - he didn't give you a choice and he put your life at risk by having sex with somebody else.

In marriage we all have faults. Nobody is perfect. Those faults do not cause somebody to have an affair. Do not confuse marital problems pre-affair with being on equal par with an affair. The difference is in one word "choice". Unless you drove him to her door and ordered him to have sex.....then I don't see how you could be responsible.

Most BS look at themselves after dday with a fine tooth comb and find a million reasons to doubt this and ourselves. That is a very normal reaction after dday. Own your marital mistakes fine, but don't take on the extra burden of owning the affair - that rests squarely on the shoulders of the selfish person who caused the damage.

Hugs
Kid

Repeat after me "the affair is NOT my fault"