I read Lisa's post about why her H won't just leave. I have asked the same question to H and to myself. I have come to the following conclusions for me (they are pathetically sad):

1) I don't want to be the bad guy for my kids
2) I don't want to raise my kids alone or share the job with a step-mom
3) I don't want to maintain the household "go wrongs" by myself
4) I like having a man around for security reasons
5) I will still feel sad with or without him, so I rather be sad with him. At
least I have some company to do things with when we get the chance (and the
kids have their dad around and are happy. Why cause more unhappiness in someone
else's lives).
6) I don't want to go out into the dating world and start all over again. At least
not with my kids around (plus I don't and will never trust anyone again as long
as I live).
7) The money situation is a lot better with both of us together.
8) He deals with the cars (and dogs)
9) We do get along as friends...more like room mates for me.
10) I think he is around for the same reasons

My reasons aren't in any particular order. It just is what it is at the moment. Maybe it's a good thing that I have these reasons because you never know what "time" can do. Maybe it will hurt less as the years go by. Maybe it will be the same, or maybe we will eventually go our own ways when we are both ready to.


Just today, I was thinking back to Dday and how horrible that whole, dark time was. I am so glad that each day makes that time go further away. It was so ugly, dark, and painful....so raw. It still hurts, but it is now a memory, at least for now. I say for now because I am at the point where I just don't want to deal with it anymore as well. I have tried to deal/talk to H but it goes no where. What's the point? I am living with it, I have accepted it, and I'm tired.

H doesn't talk about it, and I can't force him to feel or know what to do. It is what it is and that's about all I can say. I know that one day, because the A has not been dealt with to the core, another possible A may happened. I am just hoping that if it does, he will leave me instead of lying about it.


The sad reality of where my M is at the moment. Other then that, life is good. I am grateful for that.

Jetta

From somebody who has done the seperation/divorce thing I would like to address some of your points. I know the biggest hurdle that needs to be gotten over is the fear of the unknown and I clearly see myself in some of your sentences.


1) I don't want to be the bad guy for my kids

Some would argue that staying in an unhappy and lifeless marriage is being the bad guy. Your children see your marriage as the example of what normal marriage should look like.

2) I don't want to raise my kids alone or share the job with a step-mom

In 20 years none of that will matter and you will be older, and likely still unhappy. The worst for me was wondering if I would look back in 10 years and regret my decision. I'm at year 6 and I am more comfortable and confident in my decision every year although I don't have children.


3) I don't want to maintain the household "go wrongs" by myself

So find a very handy friend. I didn't know much about the go wrongs in my house but I learned and when I can't handle the big jobs or the scary jobs (like electrical) I have a male friend that comes and fixes it for me. Him and his wife have been a godsend!


4) I like having a man around for security reasons

This is the easiest - GET A DOG! or a good alarm system

5) I will still feel sad with or without him, so I rather be sad with him. At least I have some company to do things with when we get the chance (and the
kids have their dad around and are happy. Why cause more unhappiness in someone else's lives).

You may feel sad at first, but that goes away. The more time you spend working on YOU the better off you will feel.

6) I don't want to go out into the dating world and start all over again. At least not with my kids around (plus I don't and will never trust anyone again as long
as I live).

I doubt this is true. Don't paint everybody with the same brush. In time you will accept what has happened and put it in the very back of your mind. Dating is kind of ugly and scary, but if it is then just don't date. I haven't really dated in the past year and I am doing great. I don't really need a man in my life.


7) The money situation is a lot better with both of us together.

Is it? You may be better off with alimony and child support. Plus your household expenses (ie food bills etc) will go down.

8) He deals with the cars (and dogs)

Ahhaaa so you have a dog. Good keep him and get rid of something else lol. Once again, find a friend or family member willing to help with cars. Have the kids get more involved with the dog.


9) We do get along as friends...more like room mates for me.

I prefer friends I can trust not to hurt me!


10) I think he is around for the same reasons

And what if one day he just decides to leave. Then you will have no choice but to look at the above and figure out how you can live without him.


I'm not trying to encourage you to divorce or anything, I just want you to know that alot of the above are fears we all have when facing life's changes. I lived and I'm happy. I promise it really isn't that bad!

I'm speaking as someone who has been in those shoes. I also stayed because I did not want to raise my three sons without a father in the house. I only have one thing to say :"It's better for a kid to come from a broken home than to live in one." My only regret now is that I wasted my time with this emotionally retarded man.

moncoucou....I'd like to hear your story.
there are many here who are staying/have stayed merely for children's sake.
Are you interested in sharing with us?

Denise

"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"

No words of wisdon Jetta, just sending (((((BIG HUGS)))).

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha