I can't recall a time that I have ever asked for help. But I am asking now. I need to know how to stop thinking of the OW. Has anyone been in this situation before? I have come with no ideas how to end this.

Laura

Laura, My H needs to use the computer so I have limited time here. However, I did a quick on-line search about trying to stop obsessing over something and found this link:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Anxiety/anxieties/5ocd/whatodo.htm


O.k. - I'm hoping that this comes through o.k. Sometimes, when I paste a link it gets kind of weird with the other text I add afterwards.

I looked briefly through this site, Laura, and I think there might be some practical help/guidelines to help you through this. I would disregard the last step, though, since it suggests that directly facing the "stressor" can be helpful. You've already tried that and learned it is NOT a good way to go. The other suggestions hopefully will have better results for you.

Fairyfriend may also have ideas/resources about working through obsession because of her personal experience with OCD.

Hugs to you and best wishes on getting through this. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

I found two techniques worked well.

FIRST - the stop technique

Everytime a thought comes into your head that shouldn't be there you say (outloud works best) STOP. Everytime it keeps reappearing you simply say STOP and then you think of a certain prearranged image that you like such as a beach or a waterfall, etc.

SECOND - you lock things away in a drawer

You visualize your brain as a filing cabinet. Everytime a thought enters that you don't want to be there you close your eyes and visualize putting it into one of the drawers and locking that drawer with a key. Once a day you sit down and allow yourself to close your eyes, open the drawer and think about that thought for a set amount of time (5 minutes on an egg timer etc) and then you put that thought back and lock the drawer again. If you find once a day isn't enough to open the drawer then you could do it twice a day and gradually try to reduce it to one.

I found both of these techniques extremely helpful in my recovery.


Kid

Laura,

The two most valuable techniques that we OCD folks use involve Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Response Prevention. You can read up about them, but most often they are worked on with a therapist; however, I think you do not have OCD, but rather are focussing on the OW for whatever reasons.

If you have not yet gone to Peggy Vaughan's site, dearpeggy.com, and read what she has to say about the BS obsessing on the OW and comparing herself to OW, I strongly suggest that you do so. Perhaps you are obsessing on OW because you have not let yourself deal with the issues surrounding her. Perhaps you are stuck feeling that somehow the OW must be better in some way than you are. Of course that is just fallacious thinking. Remind yourself that OW played a ROLE, and she could have been any woman who was willing to get involved with a married man. There is nothing inherently special about her. NOTHING!!!

I know I had to work through my issues to accept that not only is my H's OW NOT better than me, in fact, she can not compare to me if for no other reason than I have boundaries and I respect marriage as an institution. There are many other reasons why I am "better" than her, but that one alone is HUGE.

I am sorry you are hurting. Have you shared your pain and your fears with your H?

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

edited for typo

Laura, I feel that I have learned to focus on ME more.  This is not selfish but it is a good place to start from when the world seems to be out of control (which it is in many ways!).  I have also used the "stop" approach mentioned by Kid as this is a way of halting the circular obsession and bringing it home to my own skin.  I realise now I have to be happy in me if I am to be any use to anyone else.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Hi Laura,

I'm sorry that you are going through this and understand the torment that you are going through. Not sure if this will help you, but I use to spend a lot of time battling in my head about OW and it has taken me a bit of time to get to an okay place. Sometimes I still think about OW, but I do a lot of self talking to get myself away from there.

OW lives very close to us, within walking distance, my H talks about her, brings her name up in conversation, won't have NC and still talks to and texts her, right now I can just roll my eyeballs at it. One of my favorites is "your so alike", hold back the puke. I think similar to your situation, if I can recall correctly, he would like us to all be friends. (fat chance of this happening, I can say that I'm a very reasonable person and extremely forgiving, but I have anger and resentment towards this person).

In the beginning, when I wasn't too sure of what was going on, I walked by her house, it just happened to be on my walking path, so I mustered the courage to knock on her door and ask her to go for a walk. He kept telling me their just friends, so I thought I'd like to meet this friend and get to know her. We walked a couple of times together after that. After some discovery, I realized she wasn't on the up and up.

Well, fast forward, long story short, I have stopped driving by her house to see if she is home, if I walk by on my walks, I keep looking forward and just don't care. At times, I've just had to tell myself to STOP. I've had to make the decision that this is not healthy for me, she is not a nice person and as nice and sweet as my H makes her out to be, I know that she is needy and manipulative. Putting a lot of time and energy towards her is not helping me or my M and why give her that power over me. I'm not perfect, I get angry and upset at times, but most of the time I ask myself why and how will it help.

I apologize if this has turned into a little bit of venting, but ask yourself how will your obsessing help you and your M, your time and energy can be put to more useful needs. I hope this helps a bit.

take care,
BH

Laura,

All the suggestions made in this thread are wonderful and likely to be at least some what helpful, but in my opinion, until NC is firmly and rigidly in place, and OW is really and truly out of your life, you are likely to continue to obsess about her. I honestly don't think we can help you, because you seem determine to believe that she can still have a place in your life. I have to be honest, I never know when you are actually being honest with us about things, and if you can not be honest with us, you are probably not being honest with yourself.

Ami

Ami,

I have been honest with everything I have said here. I also will tell you that I am sitting here crying because of what you have said. I know and I have said that I have been so confused thru this whole thing. I have never asked for help and the first time I do, you make me feel like I shouldn't be here. That somehow I don't deserve any help because I can't get through all of this and I write what I feel at the time. I shouldn't have written half of what I did here, I should have written it in a journal, kept it to myself.
For the first time I saw what I was doing was hurting me. For the first time. That is why I was asking for help. I am seeing this woman for what she really is. And that hurts too because I made her out to be someone else just to help me get through all of the hurt. I see so much now and I will say that I give my husband some credit to that because he is the one who opened my eyes to see what she is really like.

I am sorry. Sorry for so many things said here. Sorry that I have made people think that I am crazy. You know, I think I have hit the bottom. I can't stop crying right now. I'm sorry.

((((((((((Laura)))))))))))

I know you're hurting terribly right now. If I may ask it of you, please just stop for a minute and take some very deep breaths.

O.k., now: Laura, I feel you spinning out of control...not only from what Ami said, and not only from the obsession issue...the entire A trauma sounds like its still in some ways in initial panic mode. Laura, IMHO, you are trying desperately to cope with a severe serving of PTSD. We all have it to some degree. The rollercoaster ride keeps making it revisit. But you've been in emotional overdrive for so long now.

First things first. Ami is a wonderful woman who has many wonderful insights and thankfully! has shared her experiences and hard-earned wisdom here on the boards. It doesn't mean she is always right. None of us are. She gave an opinion. And you know what? This time, it wasn't something you agreed with. Its o.k. She may have misunderstood something within the imperfect world of communication - especially on-line communication without the nuances of facial expression and inflection. That happens to all of us. Even if she got what you were saying, and stated an opinion that you don't agree with, that shouldn't send you over an emotional cliff.

I say this with a lot of love, Laura, because I tend to do the same sort of thing. So very much of who I've been in my life has to do with how I think people perceive me. Part of our recovery, I think, has to do with finding solid, individual footing of who we are as individuals. Not seeing ourselves as our husbands' wives, or our kids' mom, but seeing ourselves. Learning our boundaries. And not necessarily taking on other people's views of us if they don't feel right.

YOU know you were honest in your thoughts and feelings. You can tell Ami, "sorry, girl. You got it wrong. This is how I'm feeling. This is where I'm at. Perhaps you have another view, but I know myself better than anyone. I respectfully disagree with your opinion."

The first time I got disagreed with/challenged at HH, I was stunned. Couldn't understand where it was coming from. And it hurt. But it had never been the intention of that particular poster to hurt me. She was being honest and just had a very different view on my feelings. I struggled emotionally with that for a long time. It doesn't mean I wasn't cared for here. It certainly doesn't mean I should leave HH. But part of this journey is finding a way to see ourselves independently. This particular poster offered me the insight of another perspective. Did I look at myself from her perspective? Yes, when she raised her alternative view. Did I agree with it in the end? No. That's o.k. - for her and for me.

I don't know if this makes any sense, Laura. Even though I'm a relative newbie in comparison to others, I feel I know Ami well enough to know she meant no harm. If she made a mistake, she'll own it. If its an opinion she DOES hold, she's as human as any of us and may be wrong. Ami doesn't define you. You do.

((Laura)) We all know the rollercoaster here. We ride it ourselves daily, at different speeds and different intensities. I'm wondering if you see yourself on the coaster. There have been so many different posts from you where you share your pain, and then you graciously come back and share your successes. When you share your successes, there is a sound in your "voice" of having coming to the end of the coaster ride. I don't know when this doggone thing ever really stops. But I'm wondering if some of your pain comes from hoping that your hurt is finally over because you've discovered some new way of coping, only to find its a momentary rise in the rollercoaster and there is still healing happening?

My suggestion for the day if the opportunity is there: curl up with a pillow and a blanket and hold you. You are working so hard and you're tired. Love you. Understand that you are very cared for here by ALL of us. I hope this made some sense. I wish for you true, true inner peace. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Laura,
Please don't be upset with anything Ami said. I understand where she was coming from. It's frustrating to give you advice about taking healing one step at a time instead of trying to light-speed method you seem to want to try, because when you reach a roadblock it's like you plummet all the way to the bottom again and all progress has vanished.

This is a process, it's not something that happens in one "aha" moment. My H and I took many forward steps and then fell backwards again, and it took awhile....but when we stepped backwards we had to look at the progress that was made.

And when we had good days we had to revel in them and enjoy them and note what we were doing "right", but to realize that there would be bad days still ahead and it didn't mean the end of the M necessarily.

You don't have all of the answers Laura, and it seems like you are finally coming to that realization. But in the process, you need to listen to what the long-term posters here say, even if it's not necessarily what you want to hear. Maybe if you come back and reread what Ami said later when you're not so upset and emotionally raw you'll hear what she says and see the wisdom in it.

Try taking some babysteps instead of re-inventing the wheel. I think you'll find some comfort in the babysteps and less havoc and emotional upheavel.

Blessings,
Sun

I think what is happening to me is that it has finally come to and end with her and I can let my feelings out and not have to worry that my husband will defend her. I can't explain what I was feeling when I read what Ami had written. I know what I was thinking though. That Ami is right. That I'm not being honest with myself. And that hurt. What she said was exactly true but at the time I wrote those things, I really thought that was how I was feeling. So, in seeing that I wasn't being true to myself really hit home this morning. The tears just came. It wasn't like the others that I have shed. It was like part of me finally let go of something. That I saw, I really saw what I was doing. It was an awakening of sorts and as sad as it was this morning, I can now say that I'm glad Ami wrote what she did.
I also tried what Kid said to do by saying stop outloud. It sounded weird talking to myself and it worked along with me making myself think of something else. It is going to hard to do. But I am ready.

Thank you for helping
Laura

Laura,

Ami is a wise woman indeed. I know sometimes reading what others write hurts, but sometimes what others write is exactly what we need to read even if it doesn't feel like it is at the time we read it.

You know this healing process often consists of two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes we take baby steps, and other times we make huge strides forward. What is most important is that we keep moving--preferably forward. You, Laura, are moving forward. Growth isn't easy, and sometimes it downright hurts, but in the end, it is what is best for us.

Huge encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

"I think what is happening to me is that it has finally come to and end with her and I can let my feelings out and not have to worry that my husband will defend her. I can't explain what I was feeling when I read what Ami had written. I know what I was thinking though. That Ami is right. That I'm not being honest with myself. And that hurt. What she said was exactly true but at the time I wrote those things, I really thought that was how I was feeling. So, in seeing that I wasn't being true to myself really hit home this morning. The tears just came. It wasn't like the others that I have shed. It was like part of me finally let go of something. "


Laura....I think what Ami is trying to say to you is stop trying to pretend that everything is fixed and that all is fine now that you have come to realize.......and just let it happen. Don't try to force yourself to be okay or to fix this. Stop working so hard at trying to be okay and just be.

I understand where Ami is coming from I think. You build yourself and your recovery up so high and then all of a sudden you come crashing down to a point that is almost equivalent to another dday. Instead of taking baby steps and making progress, you are trying for leaps and bounds and then you come crashing down alot harder.

If humpty dumpty was on a 3 foot wall as opposed to a 10 foot wall it wouldn't have taken all the kings horses and all the kings men to put him back together again

Kid

You all are so right. I can also see where I have thought everything was good and then come back even hours later to say that my marriage is over. I am just now starting to see the pattern. I didn't see it earlier because I didn't want to admit that we were falling apart still. I didn't want to admit that my Husband hurt me like he did. I never thought he would do that. Although I can talk about it without the anger and not as much hurt in the heart because time has gone by it still hurts.
I wanted to be the one that could say we made it all these years and never had to go thru that. But, I can't. And that bothers me. Alot. I have to let go of the perfect picture of us that I made out. Another thing I had to admit is that I knew he wasn't happy for a long time. I think the kids put a lot of stress on him and I could see that something was wrong way before the affair took place. I thought that if I loved him enough for both of us everything would be fine. We never talked about this. We never talked about anything. We got married young, started our family a couple years later and then grew up. Maybe even grew apart. The thing that sticks out in my mind is that he use to say to me that our sex life is the best thing we had. I also remember telling him that isn't the only thing that should keep us together. And that would be the end of it with me feeling like that is all we had.
I can say today, without a doubt, that isn't all we have. We have grown from all of this and talk about anything. I look back and wonder how the heck we made it this far. I think for a long time we both just exsisted. We loved each other but not like today. Today that love is real. I know it is real because it isn't easy. It takes work.
I am letting myself feel the pain of all the years I feel I lost. Even though they were good, they could have been great. "if only" we had known.
So, I have lots of soul searching. And letting go of the perfect world that never existed. I am choosing to keep the good memories in the part of our lives. I have learned that we can't move forward if we keep going back to the past.
And it is time to see the OW for what she really is. A woman who knew a man was married and even admitted to me that she told him she was never involved with a married man before but still went after him. I was too afraid of losing my H so I let myself think she didn't hurt me. When in fact, she hurt me to my soul. She hurt my kids. She hurt our family. She, along with my h, destroyed a part of me that I may never totally get back. The weird thing is I thought I would hate her or not even like her at this point but I'm not sure if I feel anything twords her besides feeling the hurt she has caused. We have talked about her enough and had her in our lives for so long that getting rid of her was long over due.

Laura

The opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference.

All I know is whenever anyone needs help Ami can't resist and for that I am eternally grateful.

Laura, life is about making decisions. It has been suggested to you many times that therapy is something that has helped many of us.

I hope you will realize that by posting here the only thing you can count on is that many kind people will take the time to offer you their opinion. However, it is you who are utimately responsible for your own healing.

Ami writes because she cares about everyone, including you.

However, sometimes the love and concern of Healing Hearts is not enough. Rather than write posts that you later apologize for, I hope you will put some of that time and energy into doing your own healing work. A professional therapist can work wonders when one truly wants help.

EL

Ami,

I know you were trying to get me to see things. The timing of everything being said was what I needed. I think those tears had been held in for so long that it took something to be said. I have been hiding. I was trying to make everyone feel like they hadn't done anything wrong-that they didn't hurt me-I didn't want them to see how much-so I thought I could rise above it-it worked for awhile but it came crashing down hard. I needed my Husband to see that she wasn't this great person he had made her out to be before I could really let it all go.
When I cried the tears just came with all sadness. I want to say it was a good cry because it was then that I realized what I had been doing to myself and I knew then I was going to be ok-that I can start over and really take a look at myself and not be ashamed. I am having a hard time with going to a therapist. I went to one a long time ago and told myself that I would never go back. If I did I would somehow be letting myself down. Because I said I would never go back to that state of mind. So, I am working on me right now to get myself to that place where it will ok to go.

I want to say thank you Ami. I think if the words weren't said than I wouldn't be where I am today and that is better than yesterday.

Laura

Laura,

The one thing I have learned and sorry this is short ..(.am traveling and meeting friends in 5 minutes)

Never say never... Therapy may help you now where it didn't before... and a new IC may be best...


((((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Laura,

I am glad that you are making progress. Please don't give up on IC. You are NOT a failure. Your H is the one who failed you. I have had several IC therapists at different times in my life. Only one of them failed me. I do NOT feel like a failure because I have gone for therapy. Rather I see going as a gift I give to myself and to my family to help me be the person I want to be for my sake and the sake of my loved ones.

Encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend