Has anyone who has truly reconciled had to agree to disagree on certain issues that they and their spouse could not see eye to eye on?

My latest issue that I can't accept is that my H resents that I told OW's H. He has moved from resentment to acceptance that I did it, but says I had no right to tell him because it was really only out of revenge, not out of concern for the man. I admit I primarily did it out of revenge.

OW threatened me with a restraining order, because I left her 2-3 nasty voicemails, one of which I told her I hoped she would kill herself. Which I know was not my finest hour. My H also feels I really didn't have the right to harass her. The harassment consisted of 3-4 voice messages on her cell and work phone and 2 e-mails to her secret e-mail account staing that I know about her and H's relationship and that it better be over or I would contact her H. She then initiated e-mail contact with me to tell me my H called her and that she wants me and my H to leave her and her H alone. We then e-mailed back and forth about 5 times over 2 days each doing a little info gathering and it ended with her threatening me with a restraining order if any of "our" phone #s come up on any of her caller ID's or if there are any e-mails to any of her or her H's accounts from any of our accounts. She will assume it is me contacting them and she has already contacted an attorney who will get a court order against me. I flipped out at the time and H defended her threatening me. My sister talked me out of any further contact with her, so the e-mails ended. But I stewed for about 2 weeks and spur of the moment got in my car and drove the hour to her house and told her H. I do not regret it one bit. I only regret that because OW was home at the time it did not go smoothly and the words came out rather abruptly instead of sympathetically towards him.

I feel by my H not being able to see my pain and acknowledge that I did not do anything so horrible he is choosing her feelings over mine. I know that this is in the past (2 years) but I just can't get past the feelings of him not being sympathetic to me.

I know this is long and rambling, but I can't let it go. please whack me with the 2X4 if needed.

Lisa

My H had defended the OW and called her his friend until the other day and it has been 2 1/2 years. He finally saw her as she really is and couldn't go on hurting me anymore. It has been a long road but we have been making some progress now that he really doesn't want anything to do with her.

My feeling is that in the early post D Day period, we are more than a little bit insane and can't blame ourselves for any of the crazy things we do or say. It is hard for anyone who has not been a WS to understand that kind of insanity so your H's reaction is not surprising.

Maybe you could help your H understand how you felt. Do you have any regrets about what you did? If you do, maybe you could let him know...but if you don't, don't pretend you do. Regardless, do not feel bad - we all know that out of control feeling. I think that what you did is not as important as getting H to understand the craziness. He does not have to agree with what you did, but understanding where it came from may help.

I also believe that the H of a WS has a right to know...we did not have to face that issue because OW were not married but I know that my H would have agreed with yours.

My H and I have areas of disagreement in all aspects of our life - that is just the reality of M. I no longer believe in the fantasy of M as two people thinking as one. Disagreeing is OK but listening to eachother and understanding where eachother is coming from is important to our recovery.

Not sure if that helps at all.

Lisa,

You were right to contact the OW's H... even if out of revenge.
I am not sure that 5 years ago justing finding out about the A whether I would be able to get complete thoughts out if I were talking to the OW's H and she were there.. the rage I felt couldn't be contained when I talked to the OW...and Lisa I said something similar to the OW...if not worst. Do I regret saying what I said...NO because that is how I felt that day and I needed OW to know how I felt.

the OW reacted with self righteousness by saying she would get a restraining order, because she feels she is not doing anything wrong and unfortunately she would be able to get one. There is no right or wrong in the eyes of the law until you are before the judge.

Your H is still in the fog of the A..where OW did NOTHING wrong...My H called OW and apologized to her that I called her ... it still hurts me that he felt more about her feelings than mine ... but that is water over the dam now, he is with me and NOT her. It has taken my H many sessions with the IC to understand me and my feelings .

I wish there was a magic wand and we could get our FWS to fully understand our rage over the A.. IT was their selfish act that caused our rage...and until they can understand why they had the A... can they begin to understand what happen to us.

(((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Lisa,

I know two years seems a long time, but sometimes WS take more years than that to yank their heads completely out of the fog. Like Pat's H was, yours is still concerned with OW thinking he is a good guy. Your telling her H made him feel like she would think he was a bad guy for not stopping you from telling her H.

Dumb isn't it, but there you are. Your H needs to do more work on himself to discover for himself why he was upset with you and why OW's opinions matter to him. When he comes completely out of the fog, he will be remorseful for giving you the impression that her opinions matter more than yours. In a twisted way, you see, it isn't really about HER feelings; it's about your H's feelings. He doesn't want to feel like a bad guy.

Anyway, I do understand how you feel. I am certain that every BS has had the feeling that the WS was more concerned about OP's feelings that about the BS' feelings for as long as the WS was still in the fog.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Huge comforting fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

edited to add: It's all about maintaining the fantasy. In real life your H may feel like a bad guy to YOU (my H felt this way) because of the way he treated you. If he can just keep up the fantasy of at least having OW think he is a good guy, then he can maintain his feeling that he is not a bad guy. Does that make sense?

What I think Lisa is that you need your H to understand your feelings, and since he clearly doesnt you feel this is blocking R to some degree? Would talking to an MC that validates your feelings help to explain this to your H? My IC has told me over and over again that part of R and part of healing is feeling that our WS has some understanding of the pain they and the OP have caused. If the BS doesnt feel the WS "gets it" it can block R to some extent. Maybe MC is a way the two of you can help resolve the problem. It is worth a shot if you ask me.

Im sorry...I know it hurts. My WH still has no ill feelings whatsoever about his OW...still thinks OW did nothing wrong cause she was single. He even defended OW's "friend" when she theratened to sue me for slander awhile back. <Sigh>

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha