As I read what everyone has wrote and have been taking everything in-I'm like this machine that wants as much information that I can get now-I still find myself protecting my H. My first reaction when someone says that he has let me down or he is the one who hurt me, is no he didn't. But, (and here is where Ami's adivice is starting to work)if I am going to be true to myself, then I have to say yes, he did. And that hurts. He did hurt me and he did let me down. The only thing that is making this a little easier is that I know how sorry he is for doing it and I know he loves me now. I also know that it hasn't been easy on him either.
So, I know I have some healing to do in that part but does it ever go away knowing that the person you loved did let you down or will it always stay with you? I guess that is part of the fairytale that I have to let go. That he isn't Mr. Perfect like I made him out to be. And that is my fault because no one can be perfect.
I know I love him more than anything still. Although it isn't like before-it's a deeper love.
This is so hard. It seems when I start looking at one thing it rolls into another and another and another. I think I should be writing things in a journal to keep track of what I work thru.
Any suggestions on how to not let it roll into too much at once?
I belong to an online OCD group. One of the issues we discuss is A LOT how to stop thoughts. The concensus is that we can not stop them, but we can teach ourselves to just let the thoughts come and not to give them overimportance. Maybe this is where you are now--having unwanted thoughts but not sure of how to deal with them.
Perhaps what you are trying to protect is NOT your H, but your dreams, your fairytale version of H. It is so, so difficult for us to let go of unrealistic dreams, isn't it?
I do agree that journaling might be good for you. You can get your thoughts down on paper and then read them later. You will begin to see what thoughts were unrealistic, and what thoughts you need to work more on, and how you are growing in wisdom.
If you are not in IC, I strongly suggest that you at least think about going. A good therapist can really help you to see what unrealistic thoughts you may have and how to stop having them, or at least deal rationally with them.
In the midst of this second round with the OW (that is now over)my husband suggested that I go talk to someone. He wasn't mean or saying I was crazy but genuinly concerned about me. What I am afraid of is what if I'm not upfront with therapist, in that meaning I find myself making myself out to be better off than what I really am because I don't want anyone to think that something is wrong with me. And as I am writing this, I find it funny (not really)that something probably is wrong or I wouldn't have to talk to someone. Isn't that what a therapist is there for?
Is it easier to talk to a man or woman therapist? I think I would be embarrassed to talk to a man about certain things that we have gone thru. I don't know....
I feel like I am going way to fast right now....My head is spinning with things that need to be figured out. I am one to think think think until it is figured out but I find that I am mentally exhausted after a while and then I don't think about it at all and the cycle starts over.
As you progress thru this ...YOU have to be honest with whom ever you choose for an IC... I see a man and thus far haven't had a problem speaking to him... would a woman be better at times for some discussions I will say YES..
Interview some IC's and see who you click with... you have to be able to open up and tell the IC your true feelings. You will have to be honest about your H and his actions... what you feel about the A the OW and look at why you wanted the OW to be your friend...
Laura your H isn't a bad person...he made some bad decisions... if our H's were bad none of us would be here .. we would be divorced and closed the book on this chapter of our lives.
((((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I grew up believing that therapy was for people who couldn't solve their own problems. Had I not been so quick to judge, I could've taken care of personal issues in my life that have haunted me or that I've dragged around with me that have kept me from being really, truly happy.
That doesn't mean I'm damaged goods, or a freak, or crazy or psycho. Everyone has experiences in their lives that help shape who they are and how they process future experiences. I had a very "bizarre" childhood: mom was very loving, dad was emotionally abusive and probably has borderline personality disorder. It was a very disfunctional family. I grew up in a lot of fear and evolved into a person with little self-esteem. Its not my "fault" that I evolved that way. I was a product of my circumstances.
Going to therapy isn't about owning up to what a screwed up person I was/am. It was an opportunity to closely look at where I am now, why I'm here and how to find my way out in a way that paves a road towards a more healthy, happy, healed life.
You (and all of us here) have been through a major trauma: betrayal by our spouses. Not only is that a difficult event to live through emotionally. It also brings up, whether we know it or not, a lot of our individual issues. So my self esteem problems really went into overdrive when confronted with an H who decided to be with an OW. Not only has our therapist helped with me understanding that the A isn't about something lacking in me, the therapist has also helped me with understanding, coping and relearning self esteem.
It is imperative to be brutally honest with yourself and your therapist. Otherwise, you'd be throwing money and time in the toilet. But the benefits to doing this are HUGE. Please understand that doesn't mean therapy is fun or exciting. I've come out 8 times out of 10 having cried. There is almost always a revelation that is helpful...or at least a perspective I hadn't considered before.
Please try and get out of the mindset that there is some big moment of healing and release. Its a journey, a process, maybe one that even lasts a lifetime. Savor the good days. Be aware there will still be bad days.
As for gender preference, we went with female IC's and a female MC. I had a little trouble with trusting H with anyone female...especially if they were going to be alone in a room for an hour! But in the beginning, I also feared that a male therapist might have an "old boys" attitude that would condone an A. In the end, H's female IC has helped him a lot. I think you should listen to your inner voice about who you'd be most comfortable with. Its important that you find someone versed in counseling infidelity issues and that you "click" on some level with them.
One last thing: I also sort of went into therapy thinking that the therapist would certainly be on "my side" because what my H had done was so bad. That is not the role of a therapist. They are there to try and help you understand what happened and why, to see the patterns of behavior that work and don't work.
I hope that helps, Laura. If you can find the right therapist, I really think this could be a huge step towards finding some peace in your soul. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Ditto what BlueIris said about IC. I was brought up by a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" father (he had been a Marine Corp. Drill Sgt, if that tells you what I was up against! ) and only "crazy" people went to "shrinks" and you can overcome anything if you just set your mind to it, yada, yada, yada!
In any event, I generally walk out of my IC sessions emotionally exhausted! But it is that exhausted feeling you have after doing a good day's work! My therapist is 82 years old and male. I have not had problems talking openly with him about anything and I think that is greatly due to his open and frank approach with me. One thing I like about this gentleman is that he will push me hard and will not let me talk circles around a point, or "wiggle off the hook". There have been two occasions now where I have yelled at him and he yelled right back! And it felt good to be in a loud, yelling, in your face confrontation with someone because my H won't fight with me, he just withdraws.
What it all comes down to is feeling comfortable with whoever you choose. Just remember that they are there to steer you in the right direction and it is their job to push you if you won't let yourself be steered. Don't worry if you are not comfortable with the 1st therapist you see. Be willing to walk away and try someone else. Don't stay with a therapist because you think you might hurt their feelings. You would let a surgeon you were uncomfortable with perform brain surgery on you, would you? Think of the therapist as a virtual brain surgeon.
And I can't reiterate enough that IC is a slow journey and requires patience, you progress in inches, not miles. You may have AHA! moments, but there will not be one individual moment where EVERYTHING is all right again.
((((Laura)))) Good luck and you are not crazy! Just human like the rest of us in this world. And remember that "Sanity is but a state of mind!"
Just re. seeing an IC. I've done this a few times. In my first M, my H and I saw someone for MC - a pastoral counsellor. Later when I was trying to sort out whether I was staying or leaving I saw another IC (also a pastoral counsellor). Years later I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship (psychiatrist) for a few months and sought out an IC to help me get out. I have sen an IC intermittently as I have been working out stuff as a BS. Of these 4, only 1 (the psychiatrist) was useless. The others were all compassionate and challenging experiences that helped me. It's hard to take the first step to see an IC, that's the hardest step - seeing one who helps you is a gift. It may help you Laura. Sometimes you seem so certain of yourself and then you crash. MM
Just had to tell Blue Iris that I could have written your entire post, word for word, thought for thought. Only difference is that H sees a male IC.
I am constantly reminded of how much we all share, both in terms of the pain of today and the hurts of our pasts. It would be really interesting to see if there is a difference in the psychological profiles of BS who stay and work it out vs. those who walk away.
Current Topic - I find myself protecting my H still
) and only "crazy" people went to "shrinks" and you can overcome anything if you just set your mind to it, yada, yada, yada!