I thought maybe I could say something about why a WS may choose an A rather than the more compassionate route of leaving a M if that is what they are intent on doing. It was my situation about 25 years ago.
I married too young to my first boyfriend but who I did not actually love him. He loved me and I thought in a very niave way that that meant he was the one that had been chosen for me. I was deeply religious and very conservative in my understanding about a lot of things. I was unhappy throughout my 5 year M but divorce was seen as immoral in my church. My family would have a lot of difficulty accepting such a decision from me especially since my H was accepted by them especially when he joined the church. The difficulty for me was that I cared about my H but I felt trapped by M and my upbringing. On the otherhand I also wondered if I should make do. I was sitting on a fence and the longer I was there the more desperate and angry I felt and the more vulnerable I was to feeling something for someone else. I did not see the A coming - it wasn't even in the realm of possibilities for me as something I would ever do. Often people on this site say they would never do such a thing or they aren't that kind of person. From my perspective that is actually a risk factor. It allows you to be blind to what might actually be obvious - a growing attraction to someone else. And no, I wasn't seduced. I fell "in love" with someone else.
As difficult as it is to have an A in my experience its much harder to leave a M even if you think you should - listen to the struggles people on this site have with thinking its what they should do. It's a tortuous decision and you don't just slip into it step by step. You do with an A - you break the boundaries often quite gradually, step by step.
My A was a wake-up call. It was a clear shout that I could not keep on sitting on the fence - I had to commit even if I was unhappy or leave. It still took me another 8 months from dday. It was so hard to make that decision not because of him but because I had to face why I married in the first place, and deal with that angst of being an independent adult.
The other thing is that for many people who have an A it's not actually an exit A - they may think it is, they may intend it, but something calls them back, sometimes its the love between the WS and the BS that got buried.
Thank you for your honesty and for telling your story. I can certainly understand much more how someone in your spot, young, confused, feeling trapped, could find herself in an A. What is much more difficult is the person who genuinely loves his/her spouse. I guess in that case, it is a question perhaps of that person not understanding, much less having firm boundaries in place.
When I tell my H that I don't believe he loved during the 4+ years his A lasted, he gets upset and disagrees with me, insisting that he DID love me even though his bad behavior said otherwise. I guess that is the question most of us grapple with: How can a WS who claims to love the BS cheat?
The answer goes right back to the WS and the problems and faulty thinking that goes along with the WS' problems.
I don't agree with you that even people who say they wouldn't cheat could find themselves cheating because I believe that those of us who have strong, firm boundaries in place will uphold them. Does that mean we are never attracted to other people? Heavens no! It just means that we make the CONSCIOUS decision not to do anything about the attraction, just to let it go for the sake of our loved ones and our self-esteem.
I'm just not sure what to think of this post. It seems like somewhat of a cop-out more than a reasonable explanation. The whole "I didn't really love you, so I had an affair" is just a weak excuse, and no real reason at all. I used it, but as FF aptly said, it only speaks of the WS's mentality and misunderstanding of themself. It seems to me that you had a diminished capacity for love (and therefore a predisposition for waywardness) even when you first married, and the end result was predictably an affair.
Further, the reader is left without the understanding of whether you ultimately decided to reconcile your marriage or abandon it.
Most troubling to me is your assertion that "just leaving" is more compassionate than committing adultery. To me, that's like trying to pick the lessser of two evils. Neither is a good or easy or compassionate choice. Both choices are weak, selfish (or at least not self-sacrificing), and very destructive.
Personally, I was not contemplating either choice. I just gave in to my selfish desires, with no thought to what my choices would do to anyone else, or even to myself.
I think I might have introduced the idea that leaving a marriage is more compassionate than commiting adultery. I see how that is a bit of a misnomer.
First of all, it was mentioned in the context of Kid's experience of finding her husband in bed with the other woman. This is a horrific and terribly traumatic experience, possibly done because he wanted out of the marraige. In comparing this to the choice of simply facing her one day and telling her he wanted a divorce, I suggested that the latter was "more compasionate". I guess that's not the right words. I think less hurtful is more appropriate. Both hurt, both are hard to deal with. I suppose if he had asked for a divorce there might have been some attempts to put the marriage back together before going forward with a divorce. Who knows if they would have been successful, but the process could have at least prepared both spouses for the trauma of divorce.
There are many BS's who might feel they are in a similar situation, where they believe that the relationship isn't going to recover. Would they feel they have fallen short of their commitments if they were to finally ask for the divorce? I don't think they should, since they have reasonable grounds, but I can see where many would have second thoughts. Either way, choosing an affair in the midst of those feelings is still much more destructive than choosing the divorce.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Oct 24, 2007 1:02 PM
Ok, Tom. I understand a little better now where the concept of "compassion" came from, and that leaving a marriage might be less destructive -even in some ways possibly more responsible - than having an affair. I can see the logic in that.
I guess either method is a little like comparing the choice of apples with oranges, when what is really desired would be passion fruit.
I think when an affair is an exit affair, informing your mate that you want a divorce is a lot more honest and with what we now know about recovery, more compassionate. Since no one who has not walked in our shoes can imagine the pain, it is impossible to imagine what the horror of adultery is all about.
I know in our case I asked H why he didn't just choose to leave me, dumbfounded he responded cause I love you. Yeah sure, so just have an affair or four.
MM your honest evaluation and examing of your own history was very heartfelt and helpful for me. It is a question one of many... I have often pondered.
I guess there are ALL sorts of reasons for an affair. The one common denominator, it seems is the inability to communicate ones needs or desires.
What a difference in those who have suffered the pain of adultery. We who are here have learned the essential need to express our feelings and thoughts. Our differences of opinions have often taught us how to express our differening opininons with respect to one another's feelings.
Thanks MM for an honest thought provoking and heartfelt healing post.
You don't fall out of love with somebody, you fall out of lust.
I have to agree that sounds like an awful weak excuse for having an affair. Affairs are about what is wrong with the person, not about what is wrong with the marriage. One has to wonder (since you didn't really say) how much work you have done on you to determine what really caused the affair.
Also, I believe that having walked the very painful path to recovery I can clearly and unequivocally state that I would never do this to another. I am not capable of causing this kind of destruction and hurt. No that isn't a "risk factor" in my case, its the truth. I've been down the road and I would never ever put somebody else on this path knowingly. Perhaps somebody who has no concept of infidelity and denies ever being able to do that is a "risk factor" but I believe anybody who has been there and done that has a different thought process.
Perhaps the fact that you had an affair and walked away from your first marriage changes your viewpoint on this.
Just my two cents which is worth more in Canadian than US now
Kid
This message has been edited by Canuck_Kid on Oct 24, 2007 7:31 PM
>I believe anybody who has been there and done that has a different thought process.
For what it's worth, the OM in my wife's affair was newly betrayed, 5-6 months into 'recovery', if you can call it that. He had filed for divorce about 2 months after D-day, then pulled the action from the court one month after my D-day. I have wondered if his affair was his way of gaining an emotional advantage because from what I know about his actions leading up to this, he was doing everything he could to leave her with no parental rights and no financial assets from the marriage.
But I agree, anyone who has some experience in this area ought to have a lot more wisdom about it than someone who has none. It's just that some people use the knowledge for good, while others (such as the aforementioned OM) use it for evil.
I understand that we all have flaws and are capable of sinning.
After H's A, we had many versions of the possible "Why's" however none of them were stand up reasons and all turned out to be excuses. The real why was hidden deep in his insecurities.
One of our first versions of why OW had the A was just as you explained. H thought she was trying to exit her relationship with her boyfriend she had for 4 years prior to the A. We don't know if OW's relationship survived the A or if she married the guy nor do we care.
After in-depth communicating I did understand how H willingly allowed himself to partake in this kind of ego trip. I was 18 and H was 22 when we married. I was pregnant but H had asked me to marry him long before so in my books he wanted to marry me before the news of the upcoming baby. I had been in relationships before meeting H and they were what I would call committed even though I was very young. H had relationships before us also but they are what you would call relationships of convenience and open dating if they so wanted. He was also very influenced by peer pressure and his parents. His stud best friend fooled around on his girlfriend constantly and was so cool in H's books.
His immaturity in this area set the stage for an uncommitted attitude towards our marriage. His motto was as long as I didn't find out or he didn't have intercourse it was OK. He even tried the Clinton excuse on d day but admitted to actual intercourse later on.
I would wager a guess. If marriage problems would be brought to the forefront instead of denying them and acting inappropriately they could be fixed before a selfish act occurred.
We can neatly label so many aspects of life. However the honest truth lies deeper than the label.
I bet you have evaluated that action many times and have come up with the conclusion that at least it got you out of a relationship you didn't want. However the price paid by the two of you probably got very complex before it was done and over with.
Tom when I said "been there done that" I meant those that have actually spent time introspectively looking at themselves and growing from the process, not somebody who walks away and buries all feelings and emotions.
Thanks MM for your post. My feeling is that the sense of being loved and cared for and intimate with someone in a marriage is what makes it work and if you did not feel that then the heart is out of the marriage.
I am wondering how you found a new heart to the marriage? And was it still there but buried etc?
My heart was never in the M even at the beginning. I broke up the relationship even before M but my BF at the time begged me to reconsider which I did - it was a big mistake because it ended in a marriage I did not commit to. People do not always marry for love. The counsellor I had at the time between my A and leaving said to me that I had to live with the pain of what I was feeling, that I had to be patient and when I came to a decision I would know. I don't know if that was his general view or a view that was specific to me but it did reflect how it was for me. There was a minor argument at some point between my H and I, the argument was of no significance but something emotional in me just shifted and I knew the M was over - that i had come to the decision.
Sometimes when I have read your comments I have wondered if that is what will happen for you, will the decision to leave or to stay just be there. I spent a lot of time thinking and thinking about what to do, I was in weekly therapy for months and months, - I think all of it prepared me (I knew in every way that I was going it alone - my family didn't abandon me but they did not support my decision, the church excommunicated me) but I think the decision itself seemed to come on an emotional level. It was certain and unshakeable
In my second marriage, the decision about whether to work on reconciliation has also been emotional and definite in the same way though much more painful. The first day I heard myself saying to him if you know in your heart that you love me stil, I will try to work this out with you. I had no idea I was going to say that.
I don't in any way mean that these heavy decisions should be emotional ones - for many people they should absolutely not be. I think it depends on who you are, and the issue. Sometimes I've been very aware of my emotional self and been absolutely firm from a rationale perspective in saying no about something -
MM
Jerry - I just realised there was something in your note that I didn't respond to and really want to. I found the heart to work it out in my second M (where I am the BS)for a couple of reasons. - I found compassion for my H as the WS, not for having the A, but for his misery. I think finding compassion for him (not just blame and anger which I also felt) was key for me (I tried to see what his life and the A had looked like emotionally for him). The other reason was love - we both felt it right at the very beginning from d-day and were surprised by it. It was very buried. We were having serious problems for at least 10 years. There was one A, but there were other boundary breaking issues on his part during that time. We were both surprised by love - if it weren't there I would have walked away but I made a commitment to myself early in this marriage (knowing that marriages can end) that I would do my part for this marriage because I loved him at the beginning of it. That mattered to me because I made the marriage vows in good faith with a sincere heart.
I think that biases me in everything that I write to you. I wonder what your W felt during those 17years. I wonder why she would keep doing it and what it did to her self esteem, integrity, dignity etc. I wonder what she felt when you knew. I wonder why she remains faithful to you when you have separated from her. I feel something for her because of the last set of notes you wrote a few weeks ago. She must see what her actions did to you and the only reason I can see for her willingness to be faithful to you right now after what she did, and seeing your deep and abiding hurt, is that she loves you, and you love her. Her actions now are telling you much more about who she is now than her past actions.
Thank you MM - You really did respond very well to me on that - I felt you understand me and how it is here. Your reponse has lifted my heart and given me a bit of hope - It is very dark here and dawn has not started but it will in about half an hour - Sometimes the opening of the sun can bring a feeling of renewal and refreshment I find, just like having an understanding like yours for me I feel.
may you be safe and well, contented and happy - and your H and all those around you
