(((Jetta)))
I hear your torment, I am so sorry you are hurting so much. As I read your post I wondered what it was that you were looking for from your H. I don’t know whether he gets it or not, so to help I thought I would compile a list of some of the things “I” felt were/are necessary to determine if your spouse truly gets it or not.
1. A profound understanding of the dramatic wrong they committed.
Now this does not mean they look sorry, or that we as the BS have empathy for what we believe must be going through their head, but that they convey to you in words and deeds. Meaning they are willing to discuss every aspect of the A with you as you need. When they see your pain, they have compassion and do not shy away from it, but own it as something they caused. They discuss their introspection into what lead to the A in the present and what in their past, ie growing, past relationships, how these helped to make infidelity something acceptable under certain conditions (they should understand those conditions and explain them to you and how they view it now differently and why, and not just because they had an affair).
2. True empathy for your pain.
Not only are they willing to witness it, but they should encourage your sharing of it with them. When you do, they should validate the pain to the point that they understand as much as possible exactly what you are feeling each and every time they are with your pain.
3. An understanding that it will take as long as it takes.
Not just understanding, but a desire to be there to the end, no matter how bad it gets.
4. Total accountability.
This should come from them, because they want to, not because you need it, but because they want to regain trust.
5. Radical Honesty.
On every front, you can not be too honest.
6. You must be able to see from them a gradual building of sound boundaries that protect them against a repeat performance.
And Jetta, this has nothing to do with whether they are getting enough at home.
7. A willingness to seek help that comes from them not the BS.
Counseling, Marriage encounters, books, articles, etc…
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Now what about the BS.
We have responsibilities too.
1. An understanding that we have been hurt to the very depths of our being and to allow ourselves to hurt.
We as BS, pressure ourselves to get over it, because lets face it, we just don’t want to feel this way anymore. But we must embrace the pain, and allow the pain its rightful due. We should hurt, we have darn good reason to. Nothing to be ashamed of, or shy away from, or see as a weakness.
2. An understanding that it is going to take along time, and let it take its course by not forcing ourselves to walk on broken legs.
So many BS, Mwa included, want to be strong and see themselves as different from others. We believe we have some super human power to heal quicker, when the truth is we have no such magical ability. We are no different from any other hurt BS.
3. That healing has to do with personal growth, and is in the end, a solitary journey.
Having a remorseful WS is beneficial to the healing of the marriage, but it has nothing to do with the BS. Our healing is our responsibility and we must own it and take charge of it. We have to face our inner demons too, examine our past just as much as the WS does. Understand our views of relationships and where they are unrealistic, and if still in the marriage discuss all of this with our remorseful WS. If not still in the marriage then a counselor or spiritual leader will be helpful.
4. A willingness to seek help.
Counseling, Marriage encounters, books, articles, etc…
When reconciling…
Both the BS and the WS must recomit to the marriage at some point. It needs to be something that lays out expectations of both husband and wife in plane speak.
Most of all, couples reconciling need to work at restoring intimacy. This does not mean just physical intimacy. Intimacy has so many levels, and if these are met restoring the physical aspect will not be as difficult.
But Jetta, in my opinion, the physical part is just plan hard no matter what. I attacked this with a vengeance, as if I were at war with the disgust, images, and fear. We all have to find our way. But as I said if you and your WS have worked, that means both of you working together this is not a onesided thing, on all the other areas of intimacy that will help in the physical somewhat.
I have some excellent articles on intimacy just email me for them
